adult stepson with BPD now living at home

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi,

I  am married (3 years) to a man who has an adult son with BPD who is now living with us.  I find myself living with tremendous anxiety as he is so awful to his father and explosions are frequent. I never know what to expect when I get home after work and weekends can be exhausting.  I do not want to leave my husband who is a very good and caring man so I am looking for ideas on how I can best deal with this difficult situation.  So far, my stepson has not targeted me with rages,  only with emotional meltdowns which I have so far been able to diffuse.  Thanks for any support, ideas you can send my way.

[susie182]

Hi,

I  am married (3 years) to a man who has an adult son with BPD who is now living with us.  I find myself living with tremendous anxiety as he is so awful to his father and explosions are frequent. I never know what to expect when I get home after work and weekends can be exhausting.  I do not want to leave my husband who is a very good and caring man so I am looking for ideas on how I can best deal with this difficult situation.  So far, my stepson has not targeted me with rages,  only with emotional meltdowns which I have so far been able to diffuse.  Thanks for any support, ideas you can send my way.

[livednlearned]

Hi susie182,

Living with an adult BPD stepchild is so challenging, I really feel your pain.

Is your BPD stepson living with you temporarily, or is this something that will be indefinite?

How does your husband respond to the explosions?

You must have some skill to be able to diffuse the meltdowns. Have you found anything in particular that works? Maybe we can brainstorm together some things your husband might try when his son becomes explosive.

Glad you found the site. These are challenging dynamics to handle alone. It helps to have friends willing to walk the path with you 

LnL

[susie182]

Thanks LnL - I finally figured out how to post this. I hope step-parents living with adult BPD children can help me sort through this situation. i hope we can all learn and support each other.  It's challenging!

[livednlearned]

In my situation, it is D20 who is bipolar/BPD. She is a junior in college, and lived with us for the last two summers.

One thing you could look for with your H is whether he does what we refer to here as JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). This is like throwing a flame on gasoline for someone prone to emotional dysregulation.

It won't stop the explosions altogether, but it may prevent things from getting worse.

Another skill is for your H to validate his son's emotions. I found the Lundstroms' book I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better to be very helpful. There is a section on asking validating questions that did two things -- they validated D20's feelings and also nudged her to be responsible for solving her own problems, which are often of her own making. Honestly, this is a super easy skill to understand intellectually, but very hard to do consistently and well. You will probably be the emotional leader with this skill   and it's also one that you might find useful with your H.

Has their been physical abuse? If so, how did H respond?

[susie182]

There has been some physical abuse like throwing things at my H and pushing him leaving bruises, but generally it is verbal.  I think my H is doing a good job defusing the outbursts and my general way of dealing with things is to stay out of the way.  I make it very clear that I won't come between them,  but that can be very isolating for me.  Sometimes I really miss my H's attention.  The jealously can be pretty intense.  My daughter also sets off my stepson.  They are the same age and if my H pays attention to her there is usually an explosion that evening. When H and I took a day to move her into an apartment, my stepson rages for 3 days. One time my husband and I were going to go away for a weekend which set off an explosion of suicidal thoughts and outbursts.  When my stepson gets really bad suicide is brought up, complete with knives brandished etc.  It's pretty scary.  Thanks for the suggestion of the book.  I'll certainly take a look.  One of the things that troubles me the most is that my H does not want to talk about this very much.  I am so glad to have this support group so that I can express my concerns without having them invalidated or ignored.

[livednlearned]

One time my husband and I were going to go away for a weekend which set off an explosion of suicidal thoughts and outbursts.  When my stepson gets really bad suicide is brought up, complete with knives brandished etc.  It's pretty scary.

Shari Manning's book Loving Someone with BPD and Valerie Porr's book Overcoming BPD could be helpful for this, too. One (can't remember which) has a section on how to deal with suicidal ideation using a skill called SET (support, empathy, truth). Most of us do not have the skills to handle a suicidal loved one -- it's one of the most complicated violent acts and the way to respond is often counter-intuitive.

One of the things that troubles me the most is that my H does not want to talk about this very much.

You will probably have to be the emotional leader. Being the step parent complicates this.

And if you come from a dysfunctional home, you may be accustomed to keeping a lid on things. Some of the trickiness in these relationships is taking inventory of our own stuff, and paying attention to our values -- how much growth and stretching we are willing to take on in the interest of making things healthy for us and our loved ones.

[susie182]

It's so true that the basic feeling in our house is to do what we can to not elicit an outburst.  My husband really walks on eggshells for him.  He (H) is finally learning how to validate instead of trying to "fix" things.  And yes, I do come from a very dysfunctional home.  The biggest trouble I have is that my childhood was dominated by a violent male (older brother) so I am working on not being triggered by the tension in my new home.  I have spent years working on my own "stuff" and have come a long way.  I went back into therapy recently so that I can better cope with the new situation.  The more I read, the better I feel.  I am less anxious when I know I have tools I can use.  I will definitely look into the books you suggest.

How are you managing?  Is your SD back in school yet?  Are you getting a break?  Do you feel constant tension in your home,  like an outburst could happen at any time?  Have you found ways of lessening the tension that you feel in such an environment?  So far I am not a target of SS episodes but that can change at any moment.  Have you been on the other end of an outburst?  What has been your best strategy? 

What I would love is to feel comfortable in my own home,  but I wonder if this is even a possibility.

[livednlearned]

my childhood was dominated by a violent male (older brother) so I am working on not being triggered by the tension in my new home.

I have the exact same back story  My older brother was violent and abusive, and the trauma from that relationship is where my triggers with D20 come from. I can only imagine how much worse it must be for you having your SS be a carbon copy of abusive male behavior.

D20 is not violent, nor is she explosive. Her thing is that she has no boundaries, and cannot tolerate being alone, so when she's living with us, that means I have very little time alone with SO. I find her boundary busting with me to be so chronic that it reminds me exactly what it was like to try and avoid my brother.

I went back into therapy recently so that I can better cope with the new situation.

I had to do this, too. I did have a small breakthrough this summer -- SO and D20 were talking, not to me or even about me. They weren't even doing anything that bothered me, but for some reason I felt this intense rage that was so overwhelming I had to go for a walk by myself to cool off. And while I was out walking, I realized that D20 made me feel like I was fighting for scarce resources, similar to how I felt with my brother. In my family of origin, neither of my parents put any effort into protecting me, and I felt the same rage toward SO that I felt toward my parents.

It was all there, a perfect diagram of old hurts.

I'm still trying to understand it and learn how to heal feelings that are so old and difficult to access.

How are you managing?  Is your SD back in school yet?  Are you getting a break?

Getting a check on my emotions did help me manage better. SD is also back at school, and what a difference that makes! Part of her dynamic is to blow up SO's phone with constant texting and phone calling, and I'm learning to walk away when it triggers me and also to have boundaries around it when possible. D20 likes me, but even so, she does not like when I take her dad away from her (sounds like you experience this even more dramatically with your SS).

For example, when D20 lived here, it was almost intolerable for her to be left at home when SO and I went out for a nice dinner. Inevitably there would be nonstop texting and SO would get worried and want to come straight home.

I began to say no to going out if the phone was coming with us. I have to admit I didn't handle this well initially, and we went through a rough patch while we adjusted to the new dynamic with D20. Eventually, I recognized that it was more effective to use the BPD skills with SO and not expect him to be able to problem solve when his own emotions were so jacked up. I think he was too enmeshed in the unhealthy dynamic to see a possible solution, so I chose to model the skills instead of trying to negotiate with him. Sometimes, that meant choosing to take care of myself even if it bothered him.

Now, he is roughly a B+ at turning off the phone when we are in bed, when we go for hikes, and when we go out for dinner. He has also started to head D20 off at the pass by talking to her on the phone during his commute home, so he doesn't find himself entangled in long conversations with her while he is with me.

Other boundaries I had to enforce: D20 does not come into my bathroom or into my bedroom, or into my home office. Only people who are actively cooking can be next to the stove. She asks me if she can hug me, and if I say yes, they have to be brief. I do not text her.

I also make an effort to spend quality time with her, like walking the dog before SO gets home, or going to see a movie together. When we are together, I keep things pleasantly detached while showing an interest in her life, and validate her to a point. She can actually become emotionally aroused if I validate her too much so I have learned where the line is, and that helps steady things.

She's trying hard and I feel compassion for her. I also care a lot about myself -- someone has to and it might as well be me 

Do you feel constant tension in your home,  like an outburst could happen at any time? Have you found ways of lessening the tension that you feel in such an environment?  So far I am not a target of SS episodes but that can change at any moment.  Have you been on the other end of an outburst?  What has been your best strategy?

I think your situation is more severe in the sense it involves real violence, toward others and toward himself (suicide). As a step parent, you are in a tricky situation. I am trying to imagine what I would do if D20 were a physical threat... .I think I would find a time when SO was even tempered and tell him I have a safety plan for myself if the violence ever swung my way. "I do not allow people to hurt me, and if I feel I am not safe, I will do xyz to protect myself. I want to share this with you so that if that time comes, you can support me doing what I feel is best for my safety." Or whatever it is that you would do, including calling 911.

It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured by a BPD loved one, and your H is in the deep end on this. He may think he knows how to handle his son, but at best he is part of the loss of control SS feels when his moods dysregulate. It is codependence  and it gives us a false sense of control that can be very hard to let go of.

You probably know in your heart that SS needs a deadline for when he moves out, and I also know how difficult that is to say as a step parent.

Sometimes it is easiest to start with the small stuff and work your way up. Be a role model for your H by putting your well-being and safety first. Look for opportunities to help H skill up. Read everything you can and put phrases in his toolkit that he can use with SS.

I am finally FINALLY! at the point with SO where he is doing his own boundary setting with both of his girls. D20 is BPD/bipolar, but D23 has her own issues. He has made a lot of slow progress, taking baby steps, turning the ship around one degree at a time.

I didn't mean to write so much! I guess I had some things to get out 

Thanks for listening.

[susie182]

I appreciate that you wrote so much!  You are really helping me see that H can get better at dealing with SS if I model behavior.  I find it interesting that if you validate your D20 too much it sets her off.  I think maybe it's because she feels it is not honest.  But it seems like my SS can't get enough.  He has had some DBT training which helps him, and when he blows up around me he will sometimes apologize.  He says that he doesn't want to be this way and that he needs help but that nobody is helping him.  My husband "helps" so much that it is an enmeshed relationship.  The only boundary my husband seems to have is that SS can't get violent with him.  SS is 26 and is financially dependent on H.  The goal is for him to move out in March, after taking a CPA exam (he hasn't worked much at all, but finally got his college degree after 8 years). He lived in CO before coming to stay with us and said he wanted to go back this fall to avoid the winters here but he keeps moving the date back.  He is also talking now about staying near us for part of the year and in CO for part of the year.  This concerns me.  He is so dependent on his dad that I worry I will never get to have a normal relationship with my H. 

I am impressed with you convincing your H to leave the phone home - even at a B+ level. My H would never do that.  He is very concerned about SS suicide threats and dangerous behaviors.  My SS may not call much but he would text and then there would be a high probability of a meltdown when we got home. If SS feels abandoned, the explosions can go on and off for days before settling down. Maybe over time we can get there.  When my H does anything for my D,  SS really has a hard time.  One day in August we planned a "birthday party" for my dog who turned 14 and had been in poor health almost all year.  My SS was so jealous he kept his dad busy the whole day so that H was not available to be with us to celebrate.  SS was jealous of my dog!  Because H has almost no boundaries with SS,  it makes the situation very difficult.  I admit that I was really annoyed with SS over that one. (And H too!) Truth be told, I am annoyed at SS a lot.

One of the good things (I think) is that my husband just retired and is spending more time with SS.  Again, more validation that his dad loves him.  But also, more time for codependence to strengthen. Sigh. 

I totally understand how you can get set off by the fighting for scarce resources.  The old stuff is what makes me feel so insecure at home.  SInce I never knew when my brother would explode (and parents were all about him,  I was the good child and got much less attention) I am sensitive to the same feelings my current situation brings up.  I know I can't "fix" SS behavior,  but I can try to stop feeling so anxious all the time.  I have started reading the book you suggested (Loving Someone with ... ." ) and it is really helping.  I feel stronger knowing that I have more tools to protect myself against explosions and more ways I can bring down escalating emotions. This helps my anxiety when I am at work because I am not always wondering what I'll be walking into when I get home. Gotta say that I always breathe a sigh of relief when SS car is not in the driveway.

Since I can't change SS behavior and my H is codependent, my priority is taking care of myself.  I have had friends and my daughter tell me I am not in an environment that is healthy for me. No kidding.  But I love my H very much and I have not yet been a direct target (except for the odd "I hate you, you don't care about me" statement)  I am mainly concerned with relieving as much of my own anxiety as possible.  I will be able to stay in this relationship if I can manage that.
How do you manage your anxiety? 

Thanks, as always, for listening. 

[livednlearned]

H can get better at dealing with SS if I model behavior.

That has certainly been my experience. D20 has had psychotic episodes and suicidal ideation, and went through a transgender phase (identity disturbance). I think he hit an emotional high water mark with her and has never really processed those feelings. Whereas I came into the relationship with an outsider perspective and was able to see that D20 has adult abilities and strengths he overlooks. One discrete skill that had a big impact is asking D20 validating questions. Or just asking her for her opinion, period. SO would get into rescue/save/lecture mode with her and I would interject, "I wonder what D20 thinks about that." It helped to flick a switch in D20 that she has competencies and capabilities and her opinion matters, which helps her build an identity as someone who can do things, and think things, loosening that death grip of dependence she has on her dad.

I find it interesting that if you validate your D20 too much it sets her off.  I think maybe it's because she feels it is not honest.

It's more like it heightens her already building emotional arousal. For example, she was having an incident with her mom, who was insisting D20 drive 6 hours after working all day. If I validate how D20 feels about something, especially something that involves interpersonal complexities, and keep doing it, her hunger for validation and strong emotions can build and build. Maybe she starts to attach to me like a mother figure (her own mom has BPD traits too). I learned from reading that the goal is to create a validating environment, and I feel I've done that. The key is to recognize when a situation requires other skills, like SET (support, empathy, truth), or even a little detachment.

it seems like my SS can't get enough.  He has had some DBT training which helps him, and when he blows up around me he will sometimes apologize.  He says that he doesn't want to be this way and that he needs help but that nobody is helping him.

A big part of BPD is the desperate aversion to self-reliance. D20 is like this, too. She wants other people to fix and solve and rescue and save, and then gets angry when she is treated like she can't do anything. James Masterson's book In Search of the Real Self explains that this dynamic originates between 18-36 months when the child is trying to individuate -- a scary but exciting prospect -- and cannot get the reassurance or parental soothing required to increase confidence that exploration is ok, and encouraged. It's one theory, at least. It certainly helps to explain why D20 acts like she wants independence and is terrified of it at the same time, making for a very confusing emotional state.

My husband "helps" so much that it is an enmeshed relationship.  The only boundary my husband seems to have is that SS can't get violent with him.

 

An important boundary! You may be able to help him develop a boundary for the suicidal ideation, too. My SO crumples completely with the suicidal ideation, which I completely understand. I will not do it justice here, but there are some good explanations about why it's important to have a boundary with SI. SO has a hybrid approach where he will drive 6 hours to D20 at college, AND he will insist that experts get involved. This was a hard-won victory because SO is a physician and was getting too involved with D20's medication regime, and his own distress about the seriousness of the meds was affecting her. I could see that the two of them cannot have a conversation about that particular topic without intense triggering (for both), and suggested he take a step back and rethink how best to support her, since his own emotions were flooding, making it hard for her to stay grounded. I basically took her side   because in her own way she was telling him to butt out.

SS is 26 and is financially dependent on H.  The goal is for him to move out in March, after taking a CPA exam (he hasn't worked much at all, but finally got his college degree after 8 years).

This is messy stuff for a step parent. I'm in the same situation with SO and have had to tread carefully. You may have to build up to things by demonstrating your own boundaries. Yours will be specific to you and what you are willing to take on with your H. For me, to get to a place where I could comfortably set boundaries with SO, we had to build a lot of trust and I had to demonstrate that I understood BPD to the extent that believing in D20 is actually important to her well-being. I think a lot of people have a hard time asserting boundaries AND doing so in a validating, empathetic way. I know it's been a learning curve for me!

He lived in CO before coming to stay with us and said he wanted to go back this fall to avoid the winters here but he keeps moving the date back.  He is also talking now about staying near us for part of the year and in CO for part of the year.  This concerns me.  He is so dependent on his dad that I worry I will never get to have a normal relationship with my H.

 

I understand. I really had to find a middle way. I couldn't be rigid or inflexible (or strident) with SO. I had to focus on my relationship with D20 and express my belief in her capabilities without triggering too much attachment (I don't have the skills to handle a dependent bond with her). And then, if things felt like too much, I needed an escape hatch to fill my cup. Like time with friends, or vacations, or other kinds of self care independent of what was happening with D20.

Truth be told, I am annoyed at SS a lot.

It is hard to tolerate a grown adult who has child-like emotional responses. 

I never knew when my brother would explode (and parents were all about him,  I was the good child and got much less attention) I am sensitive to the same feelings my current situation brings up.

I completely identify with this. My brother dominated the family. He was volatile, abusive, violent, misogynistic, and relentless. It took me decades to recognize it for what it was: domestic violence. My parents are emotionally immature and were ineffective to the point of negligence when it came to managing him. I feel for them -- I can't imagine having a child like him. I also have a lot of healing to do because of their incompetence.

Gotta say that I always breathe a sigh of relief when SS car is not in the driveway.

I have turned my own car around on occasion when I came home to see D20's car. Once, I saw her drive home and snuck into the garage, leaving in my own car the moment she walked in the door   Not proud of it, and I also have compassion for myself. As one expert in BPD writes, these are not just difficult relationships, they are the most difficult.

How do you manage your anxiety? 

Like it's a full-time job 

I have a mindfulness app on my phone. I took a mindfulness-based stress reduction class and meditate twice a day. More as necessary. I use noise-canceling headphones when I want to create total peace in the house, and retreat to my office or bedroom when I want time alone. I had a really active social life when D20 was here and exercised and ate healthy, regular meals, just to make sure I was covering all bases.

A friend recommended that I go see a polarity therapist, and despite being totally skeptical, I went and it was strangely (and mysteriously) helpful. I guess the idea is that emotions can get "stuck" in our muscles and energy healers can help release those blockages. I have no idea how it works, and honestly, am happy not knowing. A bunch of emotions came out and I found D20 a little easier to handle, at least temporarily. I've also been told EMDR is helpful if there are PTSD-level triggers and am looking into that. At this point, I will try just about anything. Last summer, we took a week-long holiday together, just SO and I (with chronic texting and phone calls from D20... .), then I stayed for a second week to see friends on my own. I'm beginning to realize that our relationship will have this... .issue... .for a long time and am learning to radically accept it.

I also allow myself to feel irritated. I vent to friends, I come here to vent, I look for strategies and read books and try to feel compassion. I've read two or three books written by women with BPD and both helped me feel compassion. Anything that increases my compassion does tend to take the edge off things. I also had a countdown calendar, counting the days until I went away, or until D20 went back to college.

She will be here for Thanksgiving, and again for 4 weeks at Christmas. It's probably my own anxiety, but I plan for her visits like a military operation. I have a massage planned, visits with friends, and changed the way we do the holidays so that there are lots of people playing board games, making wood-fired pizza, friends dropping by. This is so I don't sit at the dinner table watching her latch onto SO, sticking by his side like velcro, triggering all my stuff. I have a neighbor two doors down and she lets me come over, sit on the porch, and vent when I need space.

Like you, I want things to work long-term with SO. I love him, he's the best friend and partner I've ever had, and what a loss to lose him over this. So I put in effort and try to be patient and be the emotional leader.

Your H doesn't know better, so he does what he does. When you introduce new skills that work, even though they won't cure SS's BPD, he may start to skill up, too. In a strange way, navigating these rocky waters has brought SO and I much closer than we might otherwise would. He was scared before. I think now he feels like it's hard work and he has a plan.

Guys seem to love plans 

[susie182]

I had no clue that a desperate aversion to self-reliance was part of BPD.  That just explains so much!   I have seen it in SS over and over.  He gets an apartment, then leaves it over and over again.  My husband, a very frugal man,  has conniptions about this because of the costs of so many broken leases.  There are many explosions when money comes into play. SS has had jobs and he quits. It is like he is a 17 year old skater boy living in our basement.  And he gets furious when H tries to convince him to get a job or implies that he is not a grown man.

So D20 went through a transgender phase? SS is almost fully transitioned from female to male.  This just adds another layer to the complexity of his feelings.  I read that an invalidating environment plus emotional sensitivity can cause BPD.  SS's mom has BPD too and when he was a very young child,  she had sole custody.  (Horror story to H who was accused of all sorts of terrible things and taken to court.  He finally got sole custody of SS.) So I can see where the desperate aversion to self-reliance and an invalidating environment comes into play.  To make matters even more complicated,  my H is from a Central American country and came to the US at 22.  He grew up in a very conservative way so when SS first came out as gay (before realizing he was trans) my H did not react well. (This happened well before I met him.) More invalidation for SS.  According to H, that's when the real behavioral issues emerged.  H has come so far.  He accepts and supports SS in his gender change as do I.  But I think those first reactions from him way back have impacted SS tremendously.

My H and I both worry about SS ability/willingness to be self-reliant.  I know my H feels strongly that once the transition is complete, SS can get a good job and start taking care of himself.  Maybe this is possible but I think he will be in the basement for quite a while.  I don't want to be discouraging to H,  but he is so focused on the transgender issues that he doesn't pay close attention to the BPD issues.  Perhaps I am too pessimistic,  but I think the BPD will continue to have a major impact on our lives. 

I too have to step back a bit when SS latches on to me.  He sees me as a mother figure and relishes family dinners.  He has called me at work to rescue him when he flipped out at his dad and jumped out of the car they were in.  He frequently asks me to intercede when he and his dad are fighting.  I am usually spared the threats of suicide and the self-harm he inflicts upon himself in front of his dad who has no idea what to do.  Like your SO, my H completely falls apart when the suicide threats get unleashed.  One time he flew from the East Coast to CO because SS was distraught.  Once when they were living together (H was a visiting professor and I stayed home).  SS took a selfie with a rope around his neck and sent it to his dad.  There must be some safe way of putting a boundary around these suicide threats. Add those experiences with the rates of suicide for transgendered people and my husband is almost paralyzed when SS plays that card.   

I am a little concerned that because H is now retired, and SS has no job and they are spending tons of time together, that when separation happens,  it will be a huge mess.  SS is adamant that he doesn't want to live with his parents but his behavior says otherwise. Do you ever feel like D20 is bound to live with you and SO for many years?  I have been able to radically accept SS living with us for now,  but I can also see a time when it will be obvious he needs to go and won't be able to without a significant push from H - which I am not confident that he can deliver.

Boundary setting is the main subject when I visit my therapist.  What have you learned about it?  Growing up the boundaries were fuzzy at best,  so this has been an ongoing issue for me.  I anticipate that sometime SS will turn his ire on me and I will have to have a plan in place.  I have a den that is all mine and no one is allowed in unless invited.  I can maintain that as a safe space and hopefully protect that as a boundary.  It's a work in progress.  How do you set boundaries with compassion?

I hear you about the military campaign.  I always have a plan when I go home from work.  I am always cheerful when I greet H and SS no  matter what I feel at the moment.  I do a lot of knitting which soothes my anxiety (it's great for mindfulness when it's complicated and great for self-soothing when it's easy).  I have also noticed that SS and H both feel better when i am on the couch knitting. It may be some kind of maternal archetype.  At the holidays (ALWAYS a mess)  I have a knitting project ready to go.  One Christmas I spent the day cooking only to have the two of them erupt into a fight and SS threw dinner on the floor.  That Christmas I ate by myself.  Gotta say though, the food was good!  So, I understand the need to plan.  I acknowledge the possibility of an episode when returning home, or planning an event, and have a back up plan. 

One of the things I find most difficult with H is that because he is so tired from dealing with SS emotions, he has little patience for any negativity from me.  This leaves me feeling invalidated myself!  If I am calm,  I can tell him of my feelings,  but he gets overwhelmed easily and withdraws emotionally.  Sometimes I am angry or frustrated or hurt.  I would like to get to a point with him where I can express all my feelings and not get punished for them.  (Too much like childhood.  Good girls don't get angry.) Another good reason for therapy.  Sometimes I just want to feel l like it is all about me!  Then I try to tell myself that it is a process and  try to explore feelings of compassion for both SS and H.  But that doesn't always make me feel better.  I have a couple of wonderful friends I can vent to,  but sometimes they tell me I  should leave the situation and I love my husband too much to do that.  Do you have friends telling you to leave as well?  How do you explain to them that you are not staying out of a desire to punish yourself,  but because you prefer the relationship with your SO to being without him regardless of the difficult circumstances?

You are so right about these being the most difficult relationships.  I will keep reading, and learning form others.  Thank you for all your support and insight. 

[livednlearned]

SS took a selfie with a rope around his neck and sent it to his dad.

 

How awful for your SS to feel that way, and for your H to experience the photo  

It was a similar kind of incident that made me realize SO is himself emotionally traumatized. D20's suicidal distress triggers a PTSD type response in SO. Just the hint of her being upset makes him anxious, and he goes into rescue mode, then D20 regresses into a needy, angry role.

I noticed that SO's way of responding to D20 when she is distressed regresses her further. Even some of his regular interactions with her seem to elicit a childlike response.

One day, SO was talking about D20 and his voice broke a little, and he said "I love all my kids, but when D20 was a little kid she was my favorite. She would snuggle into my arms and would come running to greet me when I came through the door." It made me realize that SO, unwittingly, probably has a dynamic with D20 where she plays a role in his emotional needs, especially because he was in a loveless (abusive) marriage. Being BPD, D20 may have (also unwittingly) played the role of emotional support, giving her dad what she thought he wanted, which was a dependent child. And now they are both frustrated by it, and don't know how to do it any other way.

I do not get in the middle of their dynamic because there is no way that will end well, not for me and not for D20. Instead, when we are all together, I will model the skills I think work best. When SO gets into lecture mode, I will say, "I wonder what D20 thinks." Or if it feels ok to joke a little, I'll say, ":)20, you must have an opinion about your own life." She also sees me gently teasing SO about things that, to summarize, represent his codependency. I will say, Who needs the Internet when you have SO   and D20 loves it. She loves to have a way to tease him about things that are hard for her, and keep it light.

But when she wants to gang up on SO, I don't engage. If your SS has a BPD mom, he may be so accustomed to the Karpmann drama triangle (worth looking up) that he expects triangulation all the time. Meaning, H is the persecutor, you are the rescuer, SS is the victim (people with BPD tend to see themselves in this role no matter what). I worked really really hard to stay out of that triangle, usually by coaching her. "I can see you are really upset, and I would feel the same way. Is this something you can talk to your therapist about? I want to hear how you feel and am here to listen. I'm also not as skilled as your therapist and don't want to give you advice that might be contrary to what your T recommends." This actually generated some trust, because D20's mom is always telling her what to do (like go shopping when she's sad, or telling people who offend her to F off). I validate how she feels and let her know I am a good listener, and then coach her to solve her own problems with people trained to help. It also demonstrates that I believe she is capable of handling this.

I'm not sure if your SS is familiar with this site, but there is website called the Trevor Project, which is an online chat forum for transgender people. I learned about it from my T, and told D20 about it once. Her own T had mentioned it, and I can see on our browser history that D20 visited the site almost everyday when she was here.

There must be some safe way of putting a boundary around these suicide threats. Add those experiences with the rates of suicide for transgendered people and my husband is almost paralyzed when SS plays that card.

Same with SO  

As step parents, I think the best we can do is support our spouses. When D20 was suicidal last spring, SO drove 6 hours to see her. Part of me was thinking that he could instead validate how she was feeling, and praise her for reaching out to friends and family, as well as her psychiatrist (who called SO, with D20s permission). I also felt that they need to work this out together, and my role is to support him and validate how he feels. No one else does.

Do you ever feel like D20 is bound to live with you and SO for many years?  I have been able to radically accept SS living with us for now,  but I can also see a time when it will be obvious he needs to go and won't be able to without a significant push from H - which I am not confident that he can deliver.

I do worry about this.

As a step parent, I think the best we can do is read about BPD and learn the skills. Use them with your SS and when you are successful, point it out to your H. When you praise SS, when you show confidence he is doing something independent, when you reassure him that you support him even when he does something on his own, it helps him feel competent and capable -- which is actually a scary feeling. Some BPD in-patients will backslide when they are institutionalized when people start to focus on how well they are doing, because it elicits high levels of stress and a concern that people will abandon them if they begin to do things independently. I took this to heart, and began to validate those complex feelings when I compliment D20. "I admire how you did abc, and how you did it on your own. It's hard to do that, I know I would feel xyz. It gave me some confidence to try this thing that was frankly a little intimidating to me, and I couldn't wait to tell you about it."

Boundary setting is the main subject when I visit my therapist.  What have you learned about it?  I anticipate that sometime SS will turn his ire on me and I will have to have a plan in place.  I have a den that is all mine and no one is allowed in unless invited.  I can maintain that as a safe space and hopefully protect that as a boundary.  It's a work in progress.  How do you set boundaries with compassion?

Boundaries have been tough for me too. I had to learn on the job   with the SO-D20 dynamic. And boundaries are, in general, a work in progress for me. My experience is that boundaries are much easier to discuss when people are calm. When D20 arrived, I was frankly shocked at how SO rolled over and let her do whatever she wanted, including to his body. I am not exaggerating when I say D20 will hug him 50-60 times a day. SO comes in the door, D20 grabs him and hugs him, hard and long. He tries to put his stuff down and move, she hangs on harder. He tries to hold her arms down and tells her he needs to use the bathroom, she hangs onto him as he walks. He'll go to the fridge, she moves in front of him to hug him. He cooks at the stove, she is there, hugging.

It. Drives. Me. Crazy.

I was showing SO how to do something on his phone, and was threading my arms through his, standing behind him. D20 saw this, got up from across the room, and came running toward him to hug him, while I was embracing him. It's hard to describe this kind of thing, but when it's happening, it's just so weird. Same feeling when I walk into my bedroom and see D20 cuddling the dog on my side of the bed. I know half of the intense rocket-level feelings are mine. I also know that D20 needs boundaries, and if I want her to recognize them, I have to consistently assert them.

With people who have BPD, you have to have boundaries that you can assert. Telling D20 to not do something is an invitation for her to test them. So boundary work is a bit exhausting and just like with a little kid, you have to be consistent, even if you feel guilty or uncomfortable.

An example is D20 wanting to cuddle and hug her dad while SO and I watch TV. D20 does not watch the same shows, and spends her time looking at things on Facebook, laughing out loud, wanting to show us things. If SO and I are cuddling or engrossed in something, she will get up, go to the end of the couch (where SO is sitting) and try to hang off him. Once she tried to sit on his lap. At first, I was beside myself internally, and kinda ambushed SO one night when we were out having dinner. That did not go well! I realized I had to calmly state my boundary and be gentle with him about D20s behavior. "I notice you seemed uncomfortable the other night when D20 was hugging you during Game of Thrones. It was a long hug and seemed to kind of annoy you." Then I let him agree  

If we are on the same page, it makes it easier for me to say how I feel. At first, I expected him to assert MY boundaries for D20, and that was semi-successful. He would say to D20, "Short hug, ok?" And then hold her arms to the side. He might say, "I want to spend time with you and talk about your day. I also see you as an adult, and when you hug me that hard, it feels confusing." Same thing with holding hands -- D20 would always try to hold his hand when they were out walking the dog.

And then, last summer, I realized I needed to take ownership and assert some of these boundaries for myself. D20 has no sense of personal space, which, because I was physically beaten as a kid, is hard for me. So I started to assert this boundary directly, "I'm excited that you want to learn how to cook and it's nice to be able to chat and talk while we're cooking. I am also not someone who is comfortable being physically close and need this much space between us. Otherwise, I have a hard time focusing on the conversation and hearing what you have to say."

Same thing for being in the bedroom or my bathroom. It took a lot of boundary work to get D20 on the same page. Even now she will drag the dog to the door after SO and I go to sleep, and concoct some reason that we have to open the door and let her in. For a while, she would drag the dog to the door and just curl up with him   She does that when I'm in my home office. I'm now able to say, "Ok, shoo. I'm not able to concentrate when people are outside my door. I wish I wasn't so easily distracted, but there you have it. If you let me finish up, I'll have more time to sit down and hear how your day went."

One of the things I find most difficult with H is that because he is so tired from dealing with SS emotions, he has little patience for any negativity from me.  This leaves me feeling invalidated myself!  If I am calm,  I can tell him of my feelings,  but he gets overwhelmed easily and withdraws emotionally

 

Oof. I can really identify with this  

This is why I started to use BPD skills with SO. When D20 stays with us, my time with SO drops by, like, 75 percent. And SO gets exhausted and tense. I decided that D20 living with us means guaranteed therapy for me. I also line up the week to make sure that my needs come first. If I expect my needs to be met by SO, I'll be disappointed. And I also realize that there is this old pain deep down, connected to my family of origin. In a way, D20 is a gift that has helped me work on those feelings. The more work I've done on this, the less triggered I feel, altho the feelings are definitely still present.

The truth is, SO's world of pain is overwhelming, and I decided to focus on my own well-being so he has a safe haven. There are things I still expect, like when we are intimate or go to dinner, the phone goes away. D20 does not come into my bedroom or bathroom.

I also notice that I wake up with a full cup every morning, and my entire job is to keep that cup full. If I need to talk to SO about something, I try to do it early, when I'm not as depleted. I also try to present him with a plan, carefully thought out, so he is not expected to solve something for him (common for codependent types). I tell him how I feel, and what I plan to do, and how he can participate.

I have a couple of wonderful friends I can vent to,  but sometimes they tell me I  should leave the situation and I love my husband too much to do that.  Do you have friends telling you to leave as well?  How do you explain to them that you are not staying out of a desire to punish yourself,  but because you prefer the relationship with your SO to being without him regardless of the difficult circumstances?

Most people don't understand BPD, so it's hard to get support from regular civilians   I don't talk to friends who tell me to leave, because leaving is not an option. If I really need to vent, I see a therapist. And come here. Honestly, you will learn skills that make you much more emotionally adept than your friends. I've also realized that these challenges require therapist-level skills, and if I want to keep my friendships as friendships, I cannot expect them to provide what they are not trained to do.

Reading about BPD was so helpful. I started to do anything I could that increased my skills and increased my compassion. I applied those skills to SO and D20. I came here to learn and get support from people. I would encounter something challenging and get feedback, then go try that in my situation. I read and read and read, and then read some more. I chatted with SO about things, validating him, pointing out small wins, supporting him emotionally, slipping in observations and eventually earned his trust when it came to D20. He saw her getting better, and he saw me being on his team. He also saw me taking care of myself, eventually without animosity or resentment (not easy... .) and began to miss me and ask for my opinion about how to deal with D20.

It's a balancing act for sure, but there is a path forward. It's hard work, and maybe all we will get is the satisfaction of growing as a person, because there are no guarantees other than that, in my mind. Everything else is a bonus.

[ForeverDad]

Will your husband join you in counseling?  While he may listen to you — to an extent — hearing observations, ideas and strategies from an objective and emotionally neutral expert may encourage him to make improvements on how he deals with his son with a goal to reduce the family discord.

BPD behaviors are more evident the closer they are.  Living in your household, SS likely feels he can act out more than he would in public.  Is there a valid reason he lives in the home?  Also, suicidal threats can indicate two reasons, control/manipulating or real suicidal thoughts.  Which is more likely, do you think?  Has he actually/seriously tried to commit suicide?

If you ask a professional about suicidal talk, they will likely tell you to report it to the emergency responders, let them make a determination.  Of course, expect your SS to Deny to the responders that he said those things, so be sure to have documentation to disprove his Denials, whether texts, emails or recordings.  There may eventually be bills for repeated calls, but if he has to pay those charges AKA consequences, he may refrain from further suicidal remarks.  Um, a type of tough love.

I'm not heartless but I can only think that your husband ought to be looking out more for his mate's peace/safety and comparatively less for an acting-out adult child with significant issues.

[susie182]

Sadly, my husband won't go to therapy at all.  It's a big victory that he is going to NAMI meetings.   

I had a terrible weekend with H.  SS was fine.  H is freaking out about SS not being able to be self-reliant but he supports him and continually bails him out.  He feels like he is keeping his S alive for "one more day".  So husband has started talking about taking a year to work away from home (he just came back from a 2 year sabbatical  - near SS- so I am really sensitive to this) to pay off SS student loans!  I find myself feeling deep animosity toward SS.  I have tried to tell H a few tidbits about BPD but it seems to do more harm than good.  I feel like taking an emotional break from them for a while.  I'm not sure what that would look like,  but my own daughter needed me emotionally this weekend and I didn't have it to give her.  This is not OK.  I can't be giving everything to SS and H and leaving out D. I am just so drained.

Wow that hugging thing sounds infuriating.  No phone when you are intimate with H?  My H won't be intimate with me when SS is in the house which is almost always.  H's behavior is sometimes more infuriating than SS. 

I spent some time thinking about leaving the situation, living on my own, etc, but I realized I would miss H too much despite it all.  He is the kindest man I know, and has other wonderful qualities but this thing with SS makes me crazy.  He is such an enabler is baffles me.  It's the suicide threats that keep him from being firmer with SS.  H is just terrified of this.  The transgender thing just makes it worse.  SS does not shy away from spitting out statistics about suicide rates of trans people and that the average life expectancy being 30. 

I have been doing a lot of reading and that is helping me be less anxious about being at home with SS.  I no longer groan when I see his car in the driveway which is big progress. And being here and getting to hear from you all is so helpful. 

I am now looking for ways to keep my cup even half full.  I am not sleeping well these days and I have morning tasks that must get done.  Then it's off to work which should be a nice emotional break but it just makes me tired.  I suggested to H Sunday noght that I could work part time and he went off the rails - so worried that we wouldn't have enough money.  I told him I was just opening the topic for discussion, but it didn't matter.  He couldn't be rational about it. 

So this week it's mostly H frustration.  Since educating H seemed to have backfired,  I guess I just have to educate myself for my own benefit.  Any ideas about how not to get furious at H for his enabling behavior while keeping out of their relationship?  SS doesn't hug like your horrible situation, but he takes attention completely away from me by talking about plans for the future etc.

I am tired.