Needing help with frequent breakups

[go kart]

Hi, I don't really know where to start, I've been in a relationship now for 2 years, the past 12 months have been like hell on earth, I love this woman so much but just don't know what to do next... .

 when we first met we were both just friends neither of us really looking for a relationship, the more we talked the more she opened up and told me she'd had a rough up bringing, she'd been sexually abused at a young age, her parents have never really been there for her, has very little contact with them or her siblings, she'd then been in a marriage of 17 years, he was abusive towards her especially the last 7 years after she'd cheated on him, she carries a lot of guilt over this as she feels it ruined her kids lives the toll the divorce took on them.

. anyway taking all this on board we continue talking and getting closer until we end up in a relationship, the road there seem a bit up and down with her making advances and taking huge steps forward only to retreat and take giant steps backwards.

 once settled into a relationship we took things very slowly to start with and I have to say we had some absolute magical times... .I can hand on heart say I love this woman with everything I've got, the closer we've got the more I'd see silly over reactions for simple things and on more than one occasion I've said "grow up" the silly over reactions slowly got worse to point she'd threaten to kill herself, she'd say that she could see I'd had enough and without me life wasn't worth living, she'd tell me to leave and keep telling me I could do better, all I'd do is reassure her how much I loved her and tell her I don't want anyone else and these abwords I'll still stand by.

Things the lady 12 to 18 months have got progressively worse, this started when we had our first holiday abroad together, I booked a beautiful suite in Mexico and just wanted to spoil her rotten... .she acted selfishly forwards me for the first 4 days, not really respecting any of my wishes or allowing us to do anything I'd like to do, I pulled her to one side one lunch time, I said "this holiday is for both of us it's not all about you, please realise that There's things I'd like to do, she was quiet the rest of the day, that evening we agreed we could eat where I wanted for a change, on the way there we were walking along a very busy resort path with lots of nicely dressed couples and families all out for the evening, she stopped in the middle of the path, lifted her skirt and removed her underwear in front of everyone, when asked what she was doing, she replied I'm doing this for you, it's not all about me you know, I turn around and walked back to our room, she followed me telling me what I could do to her in some lewd sex crazed manner which left me feeling sick... .we barely spoke the rest of the holiday,

on returning home she asked for space, this lasted 4 weeks with little to no contact, I contacted her one day asking for my things and she asked to try again so we did, we've probably broke up 10 times since the longest time is 3 months and the shortest about 5 days, always when I've done something nice, like a holiday, weekend away, once because I helped set her up in business, another because I proposed, another time because I brought her a gym membership, and now a week ago after being on holiday for 2 weeks where we barely had a cross word.

each time she messages me says that I can do better and that she's setting me free, each time its final, each time she blocks me from all forms of contact... .I got to a point earlier this year where I was convinced I was going mad so went to a psychiatrist, after talking through everything the psychiatrist said she thinks she has BPD and that I should walk away... .

 the most innocent things get twisted and turned against me, the patterns are always the same, she'll come back, she's amazing, she makes plans for our future, she'll set a date and tell everyone we're getting married, we're gonna live together again, sex, love, affection in abundance and slowly it changes to the point I'm left feeling rejected, things that were said one day are now contradicted or denied, she'll admit she needs help but then it's me that needs it... .

 where do I go now? Will she be back? When will it really be over? She says" you know I always come back" what if she doesn't?  Any help would be much appreciated

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there!

My own situation is very close to your story, I know how you feel you are loosing your mind, feeling very hurt and at the same time loving this woman to pieces.

Some therapist say "run", and that's part of the stigma of BPD. It's not easy or drastic to make an improvement, so therapist who are not deeply commited with the human part of their job, just can't see the point in making the effort. But WE love them. So we have what it takes to commit to make things in a different way.

Stick around this place, take a step back, and learn a radical different way to look at things inside a relationship. The more you learn, the more sense it makes. We are here to listen, and we've gone through the same things. You are not alone, and the only thing to do is not giving up.

Have you read about BPD? Do you have support people in your life? Are the kids already on their own?

The next step could be reading some of the basic tools here. One of the most important realizations is that this is who she is, it's not something you are doing wrong, is not that you are not meant for each other. It is only that you still haven't learned how her mind works. Now it seems completelly erratic, but it's not.

So, you love her, and you are going to make this better in the long run, you can do it. And you have to be prepared to navigate through the times that it will seem not to be working, because it does.

You wrote a great 1st post, very detailed. Keep writing and asking questions, hundreds of people here have tips that have helped me in my relationship (3 years with 2 kids).

You've come to the right place.

[go kart]

I'd just like to say thanks for taking the time to read and reply, thank you for your advise, I'm going to work my way through the whole site, the information on here is priceless,  quitting isn't an option for me, I love her to bits, yeah life has its ups and downs but the good times with her are the best and they out weigh everything else, I just wish she could see how much she means to me

[amusement park]

My situation is very similar to yours. We've been married 5 years and she has filed for divorce 6 times. Knee jerk reactions. Arguments, file for divorce. Very impulsive. I'm the best, I'm the worst. All symptoms of BPD. We are currently separated once again in middle of 6th divorce. I love her wholeheartedly as well. I'm in counseling learning to cope. I've learned to not take her abuse personally, to show more sympathy, empathy and be more validating. Also I'll do my best to center my thoughts between emotional and logical, I believe the term is whole minded.These are tools you can learn on this website.
Good luck and best wishes to you!

[go kart]

Thanks again for you words of support, my only fear is what if she doesn't come back, I know that shes always come back so far but does there ever come a point where she'll mean it?

[pearlsw]

Hi go kart, Sorry to hear what you have been going through. I myself know the pain of someone who turns a relationship on and off like a light switch. I have suffered through over a hundred break ups by my calculation. In fact, doing my calculation, and pointing it out to my husband, helped him to see we have a problem because that is not "normal" at all. Period. (But read carefully about whether you want to talk to her about this possibility - that she is BPD)

I think the best thing you can possibly do, no matter what, is to review all of the lessons here by step. No matter what, if you improve your communication skills things will be better - even if it just makes things more clear in your head. You can't change her, but you can change your approach to this. Toss out all you thought you knew about relationships and start fresh. Prepare yourself with tools of mindfulness because you will need to slow down and watch your reactions so you can handle the stuff that can be thrown at you at times.

I really hate long discussions but my husband had a day long meltdown yesterday and I had to keep it together (while wanting to fall apart inside) and stay calm and supportive. It is really not fair of a psychiatrist to tell you to walk away. That is one of the advantages of being in this space. We get why you love your partner and want to support your ability to be together if that is your choice, or to leave if that is your choice someday.

Take care!

[IsThisThingOn]

Go Kart,

I really dont have much advice to offer... .but I have plenty of   to give. It's hard and it hurts. You're at the right place to receive the support and sounding board we all need once in a while.

I have a question for both pearlsw and Amusement Park:

When your SO's break things off... .do you wait them out? What tools do you use to try and get to a resolution? What have you found works?

Very curious as to your responses on this... .I am currently, as of yesterday, in the middle of yet another break up. I havent handled it well in the past. Actually, pretty sure I did everything wrong.  Since we have been doing SO well, it's my goal to try and come to a resolution using the skills and tools as well as what has been tried and true by other members experiences.  I just posted about my current situation about an hour ago.

I think your responses will also possibly help Go Kart in their situation.  Not trying to "thread-jack" your thread, Go Kart.  Trying to see what has worked for others in hopes it can possibly benefit our situations as well

[pearlsw]

Hi folks, Saw this, lemme see what I can add... .

"I have a question for both pearlsw and Amusement Park:

"When your SO's break things off... .do you wait them out? What tools do you use to try and get to a resolution? What have you found works?

Very curious as to your responses on this... .I am currently, as of yesterday, in the middle of yet another break up. I havent handled it well in the past. Actually, pretty sure I did everything wrong.  Since we have been doing SO well, it's my goal to try and come to a resolution using the skills and tools as well as what has been tried and true by other members experiences.  I just posted about my current situation about an hour ago.

I think your responses will also possibly help Go Kart in their situation.  Not trying to "thread-jack" your thread, Go Kart.  Trying to see what has worked for others in hopes it can possibly benefit our situations as well"

It gets pretty complicated because this is 6-7 year story. The breakups were numerous, painful, and confusing. The ones before we lived together were longer,  shocking, and uncertain. After we lived together they were unsettling, reality damaging, and just cruel. It forced me into a weird space where I felt I had two lives. One with him and one not. I literally did not know how to live my life and felt beyond my limits.

After a certain amount of them you see patterns. I realized it was when he hit an emotional overload point and he would just pull the plug to ease his pain. He broke for any number of real reasons and no reasons, in my mind. On the one hand I totally believed him, on another I had my doubts because he would always take it back directly or indirectly by just going on with life. Now that I see it, he loves me very deeply but is afraid to lose me. When his emotions get too high he tosses me out in the garbage. Then he'd come back, pick me up, polish me off and bring me back indoors. But I still felt like tossed garbage. He is so overwhelmed with shame and guilt he could barely talk about it afterwards so things were hard to resolve. I wanted the dynamic to stop. I'd had quite enough. I was traumatized.

Now I would say I do what I can to keep him from hitting such an emotional extreme. He will tell me now he really does not mean it when he says it. So, that is a big step towards self-awareness. I have a rule with myself to never talk harshly with him, yell, or name-call, or threaten break ups. I have always been good about that stuff since my first relationship at 17. If I cross a line I immediately apologize. It is also good not to make him into the bad guy and me into the good guy who is always right. I see us as just having to get back on the same team after something. I look for consensus and agreement so there are not winners and losers in a power play. That is a principle I state and restate. I did a lot of sports so I treat it like I am coaching us.

I always keep lines of communication open. I don't stone wall or do the silent treatment. I did that a bit early on to "give him a taste of his own medicine" but that is pretty much a waste of time and only makes matters worse. Embrace the person, embrace the emotions, keep physical contact. I have let him know he can ALWAYS come to me for a hug. If he messes up or is really angry or horrible he knows he can always come to me and he will get a hug and things will be okay again. He is not being cast off or rejected or unloved. He knows his emotions are safe with me.

Read up on the rules for "Fair Fighting" and follow them. Read up on validating and listening to the other person's emotions and how to respond to the emotion and not the mean stuff they toss at you. I also do not try to defend myself when he is super emotional and tossing a laundry list of complaints at me. It is a waste of time. I can't hit that many fast balls at once! And it is not worth trying. I listen past the junk and pluck out what I can work with. "I see you are upset by X. I would be upset too about X." If you agree with them they can't argue with you. I also let him know in white phases it is okay to be angry but it is not okay to yell or insult me. He still does, but he is doing it less. I am "lucky" though because he has some sense of guilt/shame. He is worried about his standing in the afterlife for his earthly mistakes.

After all we've been through he thanked me with all his heart yesterday for sticking with him and keeping our relationship together and not running away from him. I also use a lot of positive reinforcement and I naturally say "I love you" quite often. He told me yesterday he likes that and he never had that before. That was just natural for me. I do say it often. It helps him feel very safe and secure. I also notice I try to make an effort lately to simply smile at him they way I do in professional settings. I notice that when I am aware to keep a nice look on my face it sends him a nice signal that things are okay. I express a lot of appreciation and gratitude too. I thank him often for simply going to work and doing all he can to support us. All of that adds up. The more deposits you make through such small, free, easy measures make a big, big difference. I do this instead of being a constant complainer who tears him down and points out his mistakes. If I do have to discuss a mistake I don't grind him into the ground over it. I bring it up, say what I need to, but try to get in and out of that conversation quickly, directly and move on. The more you create and dwell in negativity the more you will have nothing but that in your relationship so guard the relationship and feed it with love. I know that might all seem a bit phony or corny or overly sunny. I assure you I am not that way. But I am so tired from the hard years of my life that I am so out of time for excess suffering. I've learned that even if he is being totally rotten I am going to find something that makes me feel good in this world. I feel good when I behave well and am kind so I just do it, do it, do it.

[go kart]

Hi, firsts off I'd just like to thank everyone for their kind words and support, and now a bit of an update,  last Thursday was three weeks without contact from my partner, I was missing her so much that I emailed her a quick Miss you beautiful, and to my surprise she replied, started by saying she missed me, then she said that that I'd be better off without her, then she asked if we could meet, so we met and ended up getting out of town and having a long weekend together by the sea,
We walked and talked, she wanted my point of view, I said I just with the rejection and the ups and downs of it all, said that if I was sure she'd always come back I'd probably be ok, said I wish we could just come up with some coping mechanisms and safe words for when she's having a crisis, just so we can both recognise it and try to help each other the best we can... .anyway we had a good weekend, she had a few ups and downs but I was happy, she was happy, I drop her home, text her a lovely message to thank her for a lovely time and that I love her and I'm blessed to have her, then phone her 3 hours later just to see if she's ok, she says that she needs space, I say what have I done wrong and apologise, she says that I can do better than her, that she doesn't make me happy and calls it off again, she's blocked my phone, what's app, cancel our apple sharing and said this time it's final and she never wants me again... .what do I do now?

[amusement park]

I'm sorry I didn't respond earlier. I didn't read your thread asking for my input on getting her back. Most of the times she would make contact with me, wanting me back in her life. I am like you. I don't know this time but she has seemed to come around in the past. I know I handled situations wrongly before and will still mess up from time to time. I'm human, but this website has helped tremendously in knowing how to communicate with them and meet their needs. If given the chance, in a white stage, I hope to discuss with her ways to defuse the anger. When that gets lashed out at you it hurts and natural instinct, although wrong, is to fight back. Bear in mind these are immature emotions we are dealing with. My counselor also suggested for me to avoid contacting her to give her time to look at herself and her emotions and responses. Also by pushing her may make her more frustrated. Hope this helps and good luck to you. I know what you mean by loving them. I do as well with my whole heart despite many in my circle telling me to leave her.

[go kart]

Thanks amusement park, your advise is much appreciated, I feel where I'm going wrong is by admitting to her there's a problem, when she comes back she'll tell me how lucky she is to have me, this time I've said to her, " look I know you go up and but I still love you, I told her that it hurts me like hell when she runs away but I still love her just same, and I think that's the problem because immediately she then starts telling me I'm better off without her and that she knows she upsets me, I think at this point her minds made up to run again... .does this sound familiar to anyone?, I've also noticed when ever I do nice things for her and I admit that I like to treat her like a princess but she really struggles, she'll ask what she's done to deserve nice things and on more than one occasion she's ran away the next day... .when we've eventually got back together and I've asked what did I do she'll say " you didn't do anything, it was all to good to be true, I've recently asked her to marry me and that drove her away because she said she's scared in case it goes wrong, it feels like all the nice things I want to do and me wanting to commit myself to her only seems to drive her further away... .are these all typical reactions?

[IsThisThingOn]

Hi go kart,

In re-reading your thread I can't help but notice a few things:

1. I see so much of your situation in my own. Whenever things are going well, it seems like them going "too well" can be a trigger. I've learned to match those moments with, in the simplest terms I can think of right now, "bringing things back down to earth" - what I mean by that's is: I try hard not to mention any issues that are in the relationships. Chances are she sees them just as much as I do, in her own perspective of course... .sometimes a bit distorted. But the fact of the matter is she does see them. My goal is to make sure her seeing them is seen as an opportunity to make things better and more positive rather than trigger shame, feelings of abandonment, or any other defense mechanisms she has bubbling under the surface. I've had to learn that what she hears is: I am bad. I am undeserving. He's going to leave me when he sees that. Why would anyone love me. I'm so mad/ashamed at myself for letting him see these things about me. I'm the problem. What have I done. -- her reaction is (in my situation):  get away from me. You're not good enough. You're toxic. I don't want to be with you, you're not good for me. --- so on so forth.

My approach was not working. It was hindering growth. Positivity. It had to change. I don't think my approach was wrong or to blame. I don't think I should feel badly and I don't. But regardless... it needed to change.

So, the 2nd thing I noticed is: you seem to also be stuck in a cycle. Things go well and so you do nice things for her. Take her on a mini (or large!) getaway and maybe you mention the blaring issues, maybe you don't. But it ends the same way.

I may be wrong, but from your explanations of what's gone on along with the most recent I see a pattern. It makes me think of one of my favorite sayings and please do not take this literally or in any way offensively... it has always given me a chuckle when realizing I need to alter my approach so I'd like to share it with you: ":)o you know what the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"  I think it may have been said by Albert Einstein. I'm not sure (I think that's right).

My point is: before making yourself insane searching for the why's, how's, or what's... .consider stepping out from the inside and potentially experiencing an "Ah-Ha!" Moment

I do hope this helps... .I'd be happy to provide examples or insight into this if requested.

Cheers, friend.

[Meili]

I agree with IsThisThingOn about there being a cycle. The wonderful thing about that is that you can break the cycle. It only takes one person to change the dynamics of a relationship.

Several times in your posts, you have mentioned that she does not feel "good enough" for you. How do you respond to that? Do you Listen with Empathy to what she is telling you? And, by that, I don't mean do you listen to the words that she's saying, but rather the emotions that she is conveying. When I hear that, I hear insecurity. Telling her that she's wrong won't reassure her by the way, she will just hear that her feelings are wrong.

One of the things that is important to remember about pwBPD (people with BPD) is that they feel emotions very intensely. This means that if she is feeling insecure, it's an overwhelming feeling of insecurity. It's far easier for her to run than it is for her to deal with the emotions.

One of the characteristics of BPD is a fear of abandonment. If she is experiencing that intense fear of not being worthy, it would trigger her fear that you will abandon her. Again, telling her that she's wrong is not a good plan here.

I suggest that you learn all that you can about BPD. When you start to understand what she is going through, it makes it easier for you to know what to do.

[go kart]

Hi IsThisThingOn and Meili,

We were recently on holiday together, me my 3 kids my partner and her youngest daughter ( her other 2 are grown up) we arrive at our hotel, check in, go and get changed and head for the pool, we'd literally been there a couple of hours when her daughter says mum " you're all sweaty" at this my partner got up and walked off, after about an hour she hadn't returned so I went to find her, I found her outside the front of the hotel crying, I asked what was wrong, she said being told she was sweaty was just another thing wrong with her, and that she just wanted to get on a plane and go home, that I could do better than her and I'd be better off without her, my reaction at this point was I put my arms around her, I said let's get back to the pool, I love you with all my heart, I don't want to be without you, I just want us all to be happy and have a good time, I said stop being so hard on yourself, give me a hug and let's get back to the kids... .instead of her calming down this just makes her worse, she often says that she doesn't understand her own thoughts, she said she wants to get checked out because she feels like she's going mad and often she'll say that it's me who makes her feel like it, i usually respond and say what have I said to make you feel like this, and she'll say I keep telling her that there's stuff wrong with her, my problem is I can't see how I do, yes I disagree with her but in her defence if that makes sense, she can break down in floods of tears and I'll say please stop this, I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, there's nothing to worry about or be upset over and it makes her worse, the other thing I'm struggling with as well is that in one conversation she's looking to the future and making plans with me and in the next, and 5 minutes later scraps the idea, this in turn makes me begin to feel a little insecure, if I then ever ask for any reassurance, she'll say you're better off without me, look how I'm making you feel, it really is a tricky situation,

The Albert Einstein quote makes me smile, my sister says those words to me almost everyday!

Some examples and more insight would be much appreciated

Thank you

[Meili]

Let's look at this:

she can break down in floods of tears and I'll say please stop this, I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, there's nothing to worry about or be upset over and it makes her worse

She's crying, obviously very emotional about something, and you tell her that she shouldn't be emotional because there is nothing to be emotional about. In effect, you are telling her that she's wrong.

One of the most eye-opening lessons that I learned here was to Stop Invalidating Others. I did so many things all of the time that invalidated my x and told her that I thought that she was wrong. I had no idea how my words and actions were received until I found that lesson. We have to stop making things worse before we can make them better.

Thinking of things in the way that I described them above, what could you have done differently when she was sitting, crying about what her daughter said? What do you think would have happened if you had asked questions about why she felt that way, etc?

Did you ask what kinds of things that you say that she thinks is you telling her that there are things wrong with her?

If she wants to get checked out, why doesn't she?

[go kart]

Hi Meili,

Thank you for your response and the link, I suppose I'm guilty of invalidating her feelings in so many ways that I just don't realise, guilty of telling her to stop being so sensitive or taking things so literally, I don't ever say theses things to cause harm but usually just to try and point out that things aren't meant as seriously as she thinks, how many time in normal relationships do to lash out and say things like " god I could kill you right now" and think nothing of it because know ones going to take that seriously, but silly remarks like that she does take seriously, the number of times I've found myself in an argument with her and I'm thinking what are we even arguing about but there's no reasoning to try and make it stop and seems just to make her worse everything I say, and then after I let go of things so easily, forgive and forget but she hangs onto things for weeks, after reading posts and links on here it all makes a bit more sense, I just don't know how to move forward, I love this woman so dearly, always greet her with open arms when she comes back, I always forgive and forget but feel that there needs to be some sort of acceptance on her part that she has a problem, I wish I could make her see that I love her, I don't want to find someone better like she keeps telling me to, I just want us to somehow agree what the problem is and come up with a coping strategy... .how do I do this? How do I get her checked out?  She often says that she'll get checked out then breaks things off and doesn't do anything, I started seeing a psychiatrist myself earlier this year because I honestly thought I was going insane how the most childish things seemed to cause such huge problems, how trying to treat someone so well just seemed to cause so much pain, I was told the that it she was probably BPD, I've taken her for relationship counselling but stopped going because she broke up with me about 3 weeks in, and that counsellor said she could be BPD, I've tried to raise the subject with her but can't because it pushes her away... .we currently have no contact, she's said that she's setting me free, that I deserve to be happy and loved, that she wants me to be happy and she knows that she can't do that for me, what do I do now?

[Meili]

It is hard, and frustrating, Kart. I think that we go or have gone through the thought process of "if only the pwBPD would get help, it would all be better."  But, as we all know, we cannot force another to look at the dark, scary places in their minds.

The periods of NC are hard. Please forgive me, I don't remember, are you NC because she's asked you not to contact her? If not, why NC?

If NC is at her request, then respecting it is best. You don't want to show her that her desires are unimportant to you. It isn't necessarily a bad thing to not have contact. You can use this time to focus on you and get yourself sorted; which you're starting to do.

As nerve-wracking as it was, I actually found the period of NC far easier than when my x came back. It was because I hadn't taken the time to get myself strong and to have the communication tools be second-nature. I had to learn those things on the fly. It was really ugly at times.

So, perhaps you can use this time to your advantage. Learn more about yourself. Practice the communication skills in the Lessons here. Learn the The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship. There is a great deal of information on these boards to help.

A great way to practice all of this is to respond to the posts of others here. You'll get a lot of feedback that will help gauge how well you're doing with the tools in a non-threatening environment. Just something for you to think about.