Panic attacks/not knowing what to do next (almost 1 year of NC)

[Nero.]

So I'm back.
For those who don't know me or didn't read my story, quick recap - 12 years of knowing each other, 6 years of R/S. We took a break to focus on our jobs, decided that we gonna wait for each other etc. After 3 months of NC I reached out, we talked - She said that she still loves me but that break was to much and she don't want to be together. Week later she told my friend that she's still considering us being together in the future (2/5 years from then) and she's not seing anyone. 2 weeks after that talk I found out via facebook that she's with someone else now. What followed was blocking me on social media, linkedin etc.
She's diagnosed by Psychiatric Hospital as person with BPD.

So next month it's going to be a year of NC. I didn't reach out since we last talked but MY GOD I'm far from okey. I don't drink/smoke etc. So I'm in good shape. Going to gym 4 times/week. My career is going very well. I'm focused on my job since my personal live is non-existent. I'm 29 - No debts, no mortgage etc. Visiting animal shelter because I love animals and I like helping there etc.

But mentally... .In december last year after many visits my psychiatrist officialy labled my as someone with deep depression. I'm taking medications, going to 1v1 therapy etc. I was okey'ish for couple of months after Christmas. I was talking to my friend and family. They all stated that this feeling of wanting "karma" to hit her back is natural. My mom (who also was abandoned by her 2 ex husbands - both reach out after years/months) who was very close to my ex is also almost 100% sure that one way or the other my ex will contact me in the future. That her new relationship is out of reason - not love. That she threw herself because of fear of being alone rather than deep emotions - and because of that it's not ment to last forever. And when things will go south in her life she'll seek out "safe place" and will reach out to me. If not to get back, then simply out of egoism.

I whish that was true. But I think that's it. That this relationship is the one to last for years to come. She might not be 100% happy but that doesn't change the fact she's in it for almost a year now. It's no longer rebound. It's real deal and that breaks my heart. I want to see her again. If not for us ever to be again, fine. But I want her to reach out because then I'll now that at least for a minute... .SHE thought about me... .That for a split second she felt the burden of decisions she made. That's it. SOME justice. All I'm asking.

My sister also think's that my ex will reach out. But my sis is the only person who thinks that I'll break. That all my ex have to do is show me her "eyes like cat from Shrek" and I'll forgive/forget everything.

Today I looked at her bf instagram - He's posting only pictures of himself. Today he posted picture of house outside Krakow. It's my exes holiday house. It's clear that they are spending weekend there together.

I was not stalking her on social media (I'm blocked anyway) it's the first time in months. When I saw only his photos I thought that "oh boy - this guys seems to really love himself" but when I saw this photo from the house I realise It doesn't matter. She's still with him. Happy. Right now I'm nothing more than fading memory from the past she want's to bury.


So here I am. Back after all these months. And all it took was one photo... .




Sorry for long post. I just need You all.

[Cromwell]

My ex has been with her "favourite person" (please recognise this term as opposed to boyfriend) for 9 months now. He is a manager of a multi national fast food company and gave her a job there, it is the longest period of time she has ever had a job since I split up from her.

her job is the only thing that keeps her from complete alcoholism or destruction (her words)

he has told her that he is there for her anytime

he has sided with her against me that im a person to be despised (competitiveness).

the truth: she has texted me and wants to rekindle the r/s, she doesnt enjoy having to flip burgers but has no option but to have adapted herself to the new personality. Her fb page is full of propaganda to tell the world she is happy, yet inside she is not, or she wouldnt be trying to find the next personality, or old stronger personality to latch on to.

you can count down the days that they are together and get depressed about it, yet ask yourself about the millions of people who are stuck in jobs they hate, let lack the courage to change them, remaining instead miserable but accepting on the surface.

FB is a haven for narcissism. my ex would take pictures of meals we had in restaurants and upload them, I cringed. it gave the impression to anyone that she was enjoying life, had a generous boyfriend, under the surface the truth was a lot of unhappiness on both sides.

there were times that I dreamed of "karma" taking revenge on my ex, karma doesnt work like that and I dont really believe in it any case. More so, id ask you to think that if you are holding these feelings for so long now (1 year) that she is still controlling your emotions after all this time?

she may, or may not, reach her downfall or "reap what she has sown", and you get your shadenfreude. Id ask you though, why does any of it matter - what more will it benefit your future?

I dont fully believe that you are something from her memory she wants to bury, my BPDx never forgot any of her r/s, this was her weakness that stopped her developing, holding on to grudges and exhuming old wounds. i got tired of hearing about them, so she even sullied her new r/s with going over old roads when she could have enjoyed the prospect of a new r/s.

my advice is to let go, mentally as much as you have physically. my ex has done much to cause me alarm and distress over the r/s, actually at some points it literally was a living nightmare and I dont feel bad about myself for wishing her to get her come uppance. but ultimately, it is pointless, it doesnt change my life at all.

the biggest progress you can make is when you dont feel the need to revisit her social media and let it conjure up an impression that somehow you could not give her something that her current r/s could. This isnt exclusive to BPD, ive got experience in life of people that have been married for decades and on the surface had a picture-perfect relationship, nothing was further from the truth, the bond was one of a toxic or codependent nature.

I was also under the false impression that my ex was living some sort of high-fulfillment life, until I meeted up with her again and realised she is still deeply unhappy despite the facade. it made me happier, from an ego point of view, but only temporarily. ultimately the main point is working towards a happiness and fullfilment that exists independent from this psychic bond developed, you really need to get to the stage of accepting that just as during your r/s all was not as it seemed, the likelihood is that this hasnt changed for her in the one she is in now.

if anything, I feel sorry for how stupid or desperate the "replacement" is in comparison. but actually, as i dont even waste a moment of my time trying to find out, I dont even know, or care to know, and thats why none of it bothers me. I suspect if I looked at her page today id see plenty that will annoy me, its why i dont and theres nothing forcing me to seek it out. it is ultimately: pointless, as i decided there will never again be a r/s of any kind as the last one failed - anything beyond that is just seeking out a poison to drink. Are you expecting to look on her FB and see that she is having a miserable time and her posting all the bad things that have befallen her since you broke up?

when you say "this guy really loves himself" chances are she has encountered a narcisst, and is simply enabling him, it is an ideal match for BPD who seek an identity. again let me repeat, there is no core substance to that sort of r/s, it is entirely superficial and will be until she chooses the next character that comes along and provides her with a new personality to thrive from.

[gotbushels]

Nero.  

Welcome back.

Sorry for long post. I just need You all.

I'm glad you're choosing to adjunct your time with your P and T with the community here. I too find it a valuable place to share.   

I didn't reach out since we last talked but MY GOD I'm far from okey.

You know, sometimes I feel I'm not OK even though I have a lot of good things going for me. From your description here, I think you do indeed have a lot going for you. I mean a tremendous amount.

Non-drinker and non-smoker.   
Good shape and gym 4x week.    and wow!
No mortgage and job is going alright.   

My mom (who also was abandoned by her 2 ex husbands - both reach out after years/months) who was very close to my ex is also almost 100% sure that one way or the other my ex will contact me in the future.

Me too, I have a parent who seems quite eager to give advice. Yes,   I approached him or her! I neither have judgment of you nor your mother's advice here. I discovered that things a T and P told me were vastly more helpful than what that parent said. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

My sister also think's ... .

And yes--re your sister--I did basically what you did too.

I whish that was true.

Well, yes, I wish that were true of my ex too--that she would reach out. Even though I'd say no.    So many of us here feel that same way. For me, it's a bit of that feeling of 'I had the last laugh', the 'last rejection', the schadenfreude perhaps. I think this can actually be quite a complex issue, so I encourage you to approach your trusted T for figuring it out.

That's it. SOME justice. All I'm asking.

Mm... .so you want some feelings of justice. I appreciate what that's like. Me too   I looked at my ex's social media in the past for some less-than-honourable purposes. The point is that what she does and posts--that's up to her. While I know those feelings of indignation--none of us are omnipotent. We aren't God.

When I saw only his photos I thought that "oh boy - this guys seems to really love himself" ... .

Well, I thought my ex's new partner was a donkey.   

So here I am. Back after all these months. And all it took was one photo... .

It's okay, it took less from my ex last time for me to start ruminating.

I understand what it's like to be where you're at, and I wanted something lasting that I could go forward and enjoy my life with. So I encourage you to have a look at this poll on distortions. Senior members have done things like re-print and write notes on the distortions (sticking around the house?)--so you're in good company. It may help you direct your conversations with your T or P to get more lasting work completed.

Good luck and I hope you're enjoying your peace.