Why did she do this, and why now?

[WeelX]

Hi everyone,

Many of you won't recognise me but I'm not actually new here, I wrote a post about a breakup i had a few months back which you can read here:https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=313882

I'll get the obvious points out of the way in case you didn't read the link above - I'm very young for this forum, only 19 years of age. In conjunction, this relationship was rather short (only 3-4 months) but was very intoxicatingly sweet and attach-heavy as many BPD relationships are as I've come to learn.


This post isn't about mainly dealing with break-up woes as most are, I'm doing a lot better nowadays and have been on a few dates since. Have one coming up Sunday and I'm very excited! However feelings still remain as they do, and she seems to have a habit of contacting me the minute I start to feel better about myself. Case in point, this happened two days ago.

For those unacquainted with video games, me and my exgf play a popular game known as League of legends, or LoL. Since we split, I've kept her on my friends list on the game client. Why? Why not tbh. It's pretty fun watching her lose games too, as pathetic a cope as that is :D
She has also been on my Skype contact list too. Before I thought this because she wanted to keep windows open to me just in case, a theory I formed after doing research on BPD here and other places.

Two days ago, I got a random invite from her to a League game on the game client. I sat there and waited, looking at it, waiting for the invite to cancel, but it didn't. She was WAITING for me to do something, so I declined. A few moments later she sent me a message on the game chat

"Sorry didn't mean to invite" Now, for those unfamiliar which im sure is nearly everyone reading this , accidental invites on the game can happen. Definitely on the old client before they revamped it, but nowadays you'd have to be pretty stupid to click the wrong name. You can trust me on this that this was a flat out LIE , it was NOT an accident. If it was, she would have retracted the invite immediately, which you can do. She waited for me to do something.

So, not wanting to draw any attention or drama, I ignored her message, and queued up with one of my friends for a Ranked match. A few minutes later, she sent me another message.

As you can tell I wanted to act aloof. Both for my sake, and for common sense. I was not going to give her any satisfaction.
The 'not wanting to see her name' part is also weird, as I never explicitly said that to her at any point, though I did repeatedly ask her in the past to block me on fb and text as a ways to stop me from contacting her, so its probably based off that.

Anyway, after the game ended I went back to my friends list and found she'd removed me after all after not responding to my last message in the picture. I laughed it off and kept playing with my friend, but it bothered me at the back of my mind. We've been broken up for a good 1.5 months now, and it's been at least 3-4 weeks since I tried to text her that one time (see my previous post) - why was she doing this NOW?

Additionally today I woke up and found she'd also deleted me from Skype contacts, which she hadn't before on the day of the league removal. Which meant she'd had to have done it today or late last night, both separate days from the league incident.

Again, why now? Why not 1 month ago?

At first when she messaged me I figured she was 'testing the waters' as I hear it described, seeing maybe if I would try to strike up conversation with her, which I wanted to avoid. Seeing if she still had control of me, that maybe she still wants me back.

Like I said, I'm still somewhat attached to her. I WANT her to want me, as petty as it is. And I thought this meant she possibly did. However, now I think it might be the opposite - I didn't give her the reply she wanted, so now maybe she's painted me completely black, by removing the only 2 windows she had left to me.

What do you guys think - am I 'dead' to her now? Do you think she'll try again?


Please note this isn't a cry for help or urgent advice needed like some people need on this forum; I'd much rather you answer those people instead as this issue is rather trivial in comparison; I understand. However any advice or insight would still be much appreciated if you could spare the time. Thank you so much everyone

[Mutt]

Hi WeelX,

In conjunction, this relationship was rather short (only 3-4 months) but was very intoxicatingly sweet and attach-heavy as many BPD relationships are as I've come to learn.

A pwBPD are hyper sensitive to rejection, she feels rejected. You have a lot of years in front of you, you said so yourself that the idealization and the attachment is intense. The plus side is you have a lot of years ahead of you and she's shown you what red flags to look out for and to steer clear of a pwBPD. It can be extremely messy if you have kids amd property together, you can read the stories in law https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0 I'd suggest to detach and self protect by going NC to help you detach and heal, why do you want to keep the attachment, do you feel like getting back at her? I had similar feelings.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi WeelX,

I'm glad to hear you've been doing well in yourself.  The question to ask yourself is in what way and why does she affect you now when she makes contact?  This could be something to examine in time in order to better understand yourself and the reasons why you were drawn to this r/s.  At the moment I'd suggest concentrating on yourself in positive ways by doing what you enjoy and working through your detaching in the way that suits you best.  That might mean that being removed is a plus for you if she has an impact on you at this early stage.  Despite the length of the r/s being short, a BPD r/s is anything but dull and the intensity can be very magnetic to return to.  Is there a hope in you that she might attempt to recycle the r/s?

Please note this isn't a cry for help or urgent advice needed like some people need on this forum; I'd much rather you answer those people instead as this issue is rather trivial in comparison; I understand. However any advice or insight would still be much appreciated if you could spare the time. Thank you so much everyone smiley

We don't consider anyone's confusion or feelings trivial here and I'd encourage you  to post when you have something to get out of your system.  We don't judge one another.  Everyone here is affected in some way by their breakup and that's what we're all here for, to help one another through.   

Love and light x 

[WeelX]

Despite the length of the r/s being short, a BPD r/s is anything but dull and the intensity can be very magnetic to return to.  Is there a hope in you that she might attempt to recycle the r/s?

Honestly, yes. Though that want is dwindling a bit, its still there but mainly because admittedly I wanted to exact revenge of some sort. I wanted to get back with her and then leave her at her highest point as a means of payback, then paint her black for good but I've grown to realise what a terrible thing that is to do and how it will not solve anything.
Still though, I do miss her. Honestly if she came back to me and asked for a second go, I really don't know what my answer would be. I think it depends on how she viewed the relationship - was she like some pwBPD and faked and mirrored her feelings? Or was it real for her too, does she manipulate me on purpose or an accident? The horrible part is I guess I'll never know.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi WeelX,

Still though, I do miss her. Honestly if she came back to me and asked for a second go, I really don't know what my answer would be.

I think we can safely say that most of us have felt this way at some point, and some of us many times over, going through repeated cycles of breakup make up with our exes.  It's natural to miss her and care for her still so soon after the split.  If you knew that the recycle would entail the same behaviours as the first run at this r/s, and potentially more, would that still appeal to you?

Forgive me if we've already shared this article with you, but if so it's a good one to recap.  This talks about the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck.  Perhaps it may answer some of your questions and help your understanding of what you're experiencing.  It is one I have turned to many times over and made a huge difference to me at the outset of my journey to healing.  I hope it's useful.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Can you identify any of the beliefs that might apply to you right now?

Love and light x