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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: "Nons" and delayed depression?  (Read 550 times)
Stepmom2Matt

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« on: September 13, 2017, 08:47:43 AM »

Hi everyone!  It's been a while, I hope everyone is okay and that the BPD's in your lives are being quiet for a bit... .everyone needs a little bit of peace!

I have a question.  My hubby and his udBPDex wife divorced well over eight years ago. 

My step-son, (17 turning 18 in a month or two) started acting up a few years ago and for the last 8 months or so we've been seeing a therapist. 
We have had some improvement but went through a really rough time as a family over the last few years dealing with behavioural issues with Step-son.
Therapy and meds for step son has been very expensive and is costing us a lot of money. (SS being treated for ADHD, and PTSD from udBPDmom)

Lately, my husband has been irritable, snappy, has insomnia, is taking offence easily, I feel like nothing I say or do is "okay".  He is ALWAYS tired and has nothing positive to say.

Dealing with this with SS is bad enough, but trying to deal with SS AND husband being in this horrible space is trying to say the least!

Is there a possibility that husband is suffering a form of PTSD as well?  It feels like everything came to a head around March/April with SS and since then, husband has not been himself.

He had a depression test done by psychologist who told us he was ":)epressed but coping" - he has not been on any meds and the therapy is all about SS and not about husband.

I'm about ready to tear my hair out and am wondering if there is a kind of delayed reaction to the relief of "getting out" of the BPD relationship. (They were together well over 20 years)

Anybody have an opinion on this?


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flourdust
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Relationship status: In the process of divorce after 12 year marriage
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« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2017, 11:22:38 AM »

Well, you've said that things have been pretty stressful in the home trying to manage your stepson's behavior. Is that reason enough for your husband to be depressed and irritable? Is there something else going on that leads you to think there's a bigger problem?
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Klera
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« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2017, 05:35:33 PM »

Hi Stepmom2Matt  ,
Sorry to hear your frustration!  Things can get so overwhelming.  Whenever I hear someone isn't sleeping and their rest is compromised, I think that is a huge factor in being irritable, snappy and not himself as well as a big red flag he is struggling.  I think as partners and spouses we know when our SO is not their 'normal' selves and we know them probably better than anyone else.  When I get moody (quiet, grumpy, ___y etc) my DH calls me on it and gently comes up to me and says, "your not yourself sweetheart".  He doesn't have to saying anything more because when he notices, I know then it's causing him grief too, and so when I'm ready to talk, we talk.   He hates it when I get quiet because he says it makes him feel anxious.  Plus his ex used to do the passive aggressive 'silent treatment' and pouting etc.     We end up going for a nice long walk for some air and let it all out whatever I've been letting boil up inside me.  But of course it's not always as simple as that.
Let your husband know you're concerned about him.  We sometimes (parents and spouses) forget to take care of ourselves or make ourselves a priority and we start to suffer (physically and mentally... .you know the put the oxygen mask on yourself first, thing?... ) Have a gentle chat, maybe have him see his GP about the sleeping, then once some things get addressed and 'labelled' and therefore the right help,  you both can start to get back on track so you can be the best for each other and for your son.  I hope too that your husband might consider a T for himself as there appears a lot he may be internalizing?

Good luck and I hope things get better soon... .I hope that helps in some way.
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soundofmusicgirl
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« Reply #3 on: September 16, 2017, 03:51:51 AM »

stepmom2Matt... my DH has a lot of the same symptoms. He still has very strong physical and emotional reactions to his BPDxw even though they have been divorced now for 7 years.
I definitely think there is a form of PTSD that he has from his 15 years of marriage to her and having to deal with her constant nastiness.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #4 on: September 16, 2017, 10:51:22 AM »

Is your husband the child or grandchild of alcoholics?
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Breathe.
Panda39
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Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
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« Reply #5 on: September 16, 2017, 11:45:37 AM »

I had two thoughts.

Individual therapy for your husband (it doesn't need to be forever but just for some extra support through this rough patch).  My SO had therapy on his own for several sessions and it was really helpful to him, when he had issues with the ex and his kids (some things with me too  Being cool (click to insert in post)).  His therapist was able to help him re-frame somethings, helped him let go of somethings, and gave him some strategies for dealing with other things.  It really helped with his stress level.

Are you and your husband getting some couple time alone? If not try to build that in, it's important that you keep the "team" strong.  This should be time about you guys, not problem solving the son or his ex.  Spend some undisturbed time together where you can focus on each other. Go for a drive, park and make out in the back seat of the car  Smiling (click to insert in post).  Go for a walk, or a have a picnic (before the weather gets cold).  Read the 5 Love languages book, take the quiz and talk about your results... .do what you can to tune in to each other.

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Chapman, Gary

Panda39
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
Stepmom2Matt

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« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2017, 06:07:30 AM »

Is your husband the child or grandchild of alcoholics?

Hey Livednlearned, yes, his grandfather was an alcoholic.
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Stepmom2Matt

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« Reply #7 on: September 20, 2017, 06:10:58 AM »

I had two thoughts.

Individual therapy for your husband (it doesn't need to be forever but just for some extra support through this rough patch).  My SO had therapy on his own for several sessions and it was really helpful to him, when he had issues with the ex and his kids (some things with me too  Being cool (click to insert in post)).  His therapist was able to help him re-frame somethings, helped him let go of somethings, and gave him some strategies for dealing with other things.  It really helped with his stress level.

Are you and your husband getting some couple time alone? If not try to build that in, it's important that you keep the "team" strong.  This should be time about you guys, not problem solving the son or his ex.  Spend some undisturbed time together where you can focus on each other. Go for a drive, park and make out in the back seat of the car  Smiling (click to insert in post).  Go for a walk, or a have a picnic (before the weather gets cold).  Read the 5 Love languages book, take the quiz and talk about your results... .do what you can to tune in to each other.

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Chapman, Gary

Panda39

Hey Panda, thanks.  I wish individual therapy for my hubby was an option, but we're barely able to pay for stepsons therapy and honestly can't afford more.
(My daughter and I already work two jobs to try keep up with expenses - and Hubby has a full time job and plays music for extra money)

Couple time, for the above reasons are very few and far between.  I love the whole theory of the five love languages, read two of the books!  I would be so thrilled to be able to fill all our "love cups"  - but work commitments make this very difficult.

Thanks so much for your response though!
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Torched
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« Reply #8 on: September 20, 2017, 06:14:57 AM »

Please at least consider having your husband go in for a physical with a doctor who will listen.  

One reason I finally divorced my uBPDw was because at age 39 (after sixteen years of marriage) I was diagnosed with severe atrial fibrillation and atrial flutter in both atria.  Unusual enough that the cardiologists wondered how it could get so bad.  The condition was triggered daily by feelings of anxiety and tension which were engendered by my ex.  I was with her for 18 years... .and I feel that my body suffered due to years of tension and emotional trauma.  I'm athletic and fit... .always have been.  It didn't matter.

I'm obviously not suggesting your husband has what I have.  But I think it would be good to rule out physical problems as much as he can before seeking a psychological treatment.
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Torched
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« Reply #9 on: September 20, 2017, 06:17:21 AM »

Please at least consider having your husband go in for a physical with a doctor who will listen. 

One reason I finally divorced my uBPDw was because at age 39 (after sixteen years of marriage) I was diagnosed with severe atrial fibrillation and atrial flutter in both atria.  Unusual enough that the cardiologists wondered how it could get so bad.  The condition was triggered daily by feelings of anxiety and tension which were engendered by my ex.  I was with her for 18 years... .and I feel that my body suffered due to years of tension and emotional trauma.  I'm athletic and fit... .always have been.  It didn't matter.

I'm obviously not suggesting your husband has what I have.  But I think it would be good to rule out physical problems as much as he can before seeking a psychological treatment.

Also forgot to say that yes, I feel that I will always have strong emotionally traumatic reactions to my BPD ex.  She weighs 100 pounds but the negative feelings she is able to create in me just with a look are like an elephant on my chest.  I am sure your husband's ex can affect him years later, although he may not admit it.
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Stepmom2Matt

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« Reply #10 on: September 20, 2017, 06:19:56 AM »

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond to me.

We sat down and discussed all the issues and we're going to get him on a course of anti-depressants.  

As I've mentioned in the above responses, time is a real luxury in our lives, but we've committed to finding at least an afternoon a week to spend time together and reconnecting.  Not sure if we'll get it right but we'll certainly try!

SS had a meltdown again last night, I'm just so tired of all the drama.  (He says I hate him and have never "given a sh£"! about him - all because I told him he couldn't have a second serving of ice cream last night)  I know he's just venting or whatever and I shouldn't react - but it HURTS as it is not true and I feel I have to defend myself when he says stuff like that.  I'm feeling angry with him, so, so angry!  I can see how it's wearing his dad down and I know how it's wearing me down... .I also know that I'm probably just tired and frustrated right now and will probably have better coping skills in a day or two... .BUT... .


I have made the decision to distance myself from all of it for a little while.  Will focus on work and trying to spend time with hubby - can't deal with SS right now.  Really, REALLY can't!  My filter is broken and I am going to shout at SS very soon if I don't shut down to save myself!
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Stepmom2Matt

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« Reply #11 on: September 20, 2017, 06:23:18 AM »

Also forgot to say that yes, I feel that I will always have strong emotionally traumatic reactions to my BPD ex.  She weighs 100 pounds but the negative feelings she is able to create in me just with a look are like an elephant on my chest.  I am sure your husband's ex can affect him years later, although he may not admit it.

Thanks Torched, luckily, he has had a physical just recently and everything is okay aside from a slightly erratic heartbeat which he has had since birth.

... .and yes, his ex is TINY!  I feel like an elephant next to her and I'm 130 pounds.  She definitely affects him... .a lot more than he cares to admit.
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Panda39
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Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
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« Reply #12 on: September 20, 2017, 06:47:03 AM »

As I've mentioned in the above responses, time is a real luxury in our lives, but we've committed to finding at least an afternoon a week to spend time together and reconnecting.  Not sure if we'll get it right but we'll certainly try!


I'm so glad to hear you guys are going to try and build in some time for each other  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Keep it about you two.

I have made the decision to distance myself from all of it for a little while.  Will focus on work and trying to spend time with hubby - can't deal with SS right now.  Really, REALLY can't!  My filter is broken and I am going to shout at SS very soon if I don't shut down to save myself!

I think this is a good idea, my mantra with my SO's daughters was always "do no harm" and there were times that I was so angry I withdrew too until I cooled off or the situation cooled off. 

The life you all have sounds super busy and stressful (believe me I get it... .single mom) and it sometimes feels impossible to meet the needs of everyone and frankly sometimes it is impossible.  So it's important to pay attention to how you are feeling so you can do what you need to do in order to be the best you can be.  Are you able to get any downtime for yourself?  I can hear your eyes rolling from here!   Smiling (click to insert in post)  Try and sneak that in too.  For me I get up a little earlier than I have to so I get a little peaceful time to myself in the morning before I start my day.

Yes, Panda's message today is "self care"! To use the airplane oxygen mask analogy, you can't help anyone else before you put on your own oxygen mask.

Take Care,
Panda39
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