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Author Topic: Silent Treatment -- Healthy response?  (Read 841 times)
coola

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« on: September 14, 2017, 10:17:20 AM »

So my mom is giving me the silent treatment for six weeks now over a stupid, dumb disagreement. I know she will go months, and she may never reach out again.  I do want her to know I love her and that I care. I know she is suffering great fears of abandonment.  I also know she will see anything coming from me as me being weak and will use it against me. She's played me to the 9th degree.  She is highly intelligent.

So if I email her anything, she will be like, "Ah-ha, she's going to break again." And she will hold out longer.  I always have broken down out of what I considered compassion, though this time, in my heart I know I won't. I can't.  I've reached my limited and found that she likely has BPD (just recently). She's given me the silent treatment before for four months. I ended it by reaching out, though I didn't apologize. She was wore out with the "game" and just tried to brush it under the rug without addressing it.

She is elderly and I worry that she or my dad could pass away on me unexpectedly and I would hate myself if I said nothing.  So I want to write something to her that is safe (not jeopardizing myself) and that I can feel good about. I want to let her know I care, but I have boundaries. I don't want to trigger her.

My mom fights to win, to be right, has to have it all her way. She smells vulnerability like a cat on a mouse. She never apologies nor feels empathy after the fact. 

Would you send something like this or not?  If not, I'm open to suggestions on what would be best.  My parents in their late 70s/80s.

"Mom – I know you are hurting to be unable to reach out to me.  While I would love to have you in my life and miss the idea that you won’t be there, I cannot continue our relationship as we have. It’s too destructive for me. If we both can’t feel safe to discuss our feelings, feel validated and be respected for our differences, I am unable to have a relationship with you. I hope you find the strength to reach out to me."
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HappyChappy
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« Reply #1 on: September 15, 2017, 10:40:13 AM »

Send this note to someone without BPD and it would be perfectly acceptable and would stand a good chance of fulfilling its objective. But not so to someone with BPD.

Correct me if I’m wrong here, but it sounds like you want what many of us want, which is validation of how you feel, respect for your boundaries and reasonable response to what you write. All very reasonable requests. But a 70 year old BPD would struggle to give any of those.  Typically their instinct is to invalidate, not validate. She is more likely expecting a letter of apology rather than compromise. Someone with BPD has very black and white thinking, so if she’s sulking you are currently all black.

Writing the letter can help get some of the frustration out, but sending it may attract more aggravation for you than it’s worth. You get your validation from friends and on here, because your letter is very acceptable and you deserve validation.
 
3 years ago I had the opportunity to call the Police in on my BPD and NPD (and not for the first time). They would  have booked and charge them both. But we chose to go No Contact, so did them  a favour. Recently I had to organise my father's funeral and whilst I was trying to grieve, my BPD was demanding an apology and telling everyone she has no idea why we went NC. Adamant she had done nothing wrong.  So in other words,  I agree with what your notes says, but my guess is it will do more harm than good. It sounds like you have already done as much as you can to reach out. You can not help someone who will not help themselves. I know "love" to my BPD, is 100% compliance, as simple as that.
Different mind set to us.

I would focus on yourself and what you need to get over things.  Other than involving your BPD, what do you think will help ? I hope this helps, even though its not what you (and I) would like to here.
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coola

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« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2017, 10:49:13 AM »

Thank you so much for your response. You are right in everything you say.  It's just hard to accept the silence, knowing life is so short.  You've helped me tremendously.  Thank you, truly.

I'm sorry you had to endure the same difficulties and challenges.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #3 on: September 15, 2017, 03:21:25 PM »

I read some books by Patricia Evans on verbal abuse and she lists the different forms of it. The silent treatment is one of them. It is abusive, and controlling. She holds the cards while you are in emotional pain. Someone who wants to repair the relationship will reach out to do it, not use the ST. 

Once I saw the ST for what it was, I don't respond to it. It just reinforces her position. Mom doesn't want to speak to me? Well, that is her choice to make. I can not make her stop the ST, she stops it when she does.

In the meantime, I go about my business. Knowing you can't really control this may help. You didn't cause her to do this and you can't make her stop it- she will do what she does.

Just do your own thing and don't focus on it. It's her issue. I wouldn't send a message if it were my choice.
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Sprinkledinkles

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« Reply #4 on: September 15, 2017, 05:30:49 PM »

I agree with the others. When I emailed what I thought were easy requests so we could have a more peaceful relationship I got no response for months. When I initiated contact I was met with they won't do x y and z in the first sentence after hello. That I was too sensitive and I chose not to spend time with them with my sister there so it's up to me to accommodate but in those x y and z requests one of them was to spend time alternatively on a separate day. They said they wouldn't do that.  So basically nothing changes on their end and there is nothing I could do on my end either. So months of no contact all the while hoping and trying to make healthy changes and feeling the stress of being no contact was all for nothing.
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coola

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« Reply #5 on: September 15, 2017, 09:21:21 PM »

I'm sorry Sprinkledinkles.  It's hard not being able to do anything.   Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
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Voltaire

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« Reply #6 on: September 15, 2017, 09:42:12 PM »

I tend to agree with the comments above, the only healthy response to the silent treatment is no response. In other words... .

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NHWjlCaIrQo

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madeline7
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« Reply #7 on: September 17, 2017, 11:50:35 AM »

The rational thing to do is to have a well thought out response like the one you presented. But in this situation, at least for me when dealing with an uBPDm, we are not talking about rational, normal, respectful. Any response I have is met with rage. As of yesterday, I am back in NC mode, and it is very difficult knowing she is painting me black, and twisting what she believes is the truth, and continuing with the drama. She is elderly, but I am also not a spring chicken, and I just want to get "off" this merry go round and have some peace. Unfortunately for me, having a relationship with her will never be peaceful. It is so sad and exhausting.
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Panda39
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« Reply #8 on: September 17, 2017, 02:35:32 PM »

I agree with the others here.  Even though this is painful for you, this is really about her and her issues and has nothing to do with something you did or who you are.  I would just recognize it for what it is really about control... .using FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) because isn't that what the silent treatment triggers... .

... .She is elderly and I worry that she or my dad could pass away on me unexpectedly and I would hate myself if I said nothing... .
Fear &  Guilt... .Obligation is implied because you are her daughter.

Your boundary could be to not respond to the silent treatment, the ball is in her court.  Enjoy the quiet and live your life.

Panda39
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
Living Life

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« Reply #9 on: September 17, 2017, 06:43:07 PM »

I totally agree with everyone. I wrote my elderly, often raging and vindictive mother a very well thought out, reasoned boundary, knowing it would create a huge problem (what would be a reasonable approach to a normal person doesn't work with a BPD). And yes, it really did. Massive family drama ensued, with me being evil, hateful, ungrateful, etc. We went no contact for about 6 months, then resumed a tenuous relationship. Although to my face, she was mostly polite and would say she loved me, she never forgave me for 'crossing' her. After my father died, and shortly before her passing, I discovered she had continued to be so angry at me that she rewrote the entire estate and totally cut me out. Her deception and the hurt it caused took quite a while to work through. I caused it by my articulating a boundary 10 years before she died.  Would I do it again? Yes, because her horrible behavior did improve.

As an adult child of a BPD mom, I have felt damned if I do and damned if I don't. So I chose the lessor of the 'evils,' knowing there would be severe consequences. There appear to be no right answers, just a series of bad choices.

Silence is also hurtful, but it can be peaceful. Use your time well. Let her come to her when she is ready.
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coola

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« Reply #10 on: September 17, 2017, 07:45:34 PM »

I appreciate all the comments. It truly helps to hear others who get it, have been there and know the drama. It's just so hard as you know. I struggle daily. I'm keeping a Word document and each day instead of reach out to her, I write what I want to say. It changes constantly but maybe it will help others dealing with this.  I leave it and then come back and read it the next day.  A day later, I can hear her retort, no matter how kind I write to her.  I can hear her every argument, all her insults, denial, and blame.  It's been 6 weeks and I'd be shocked if she even attempted anything in 6 months.

At times, I feel she never cared about me. I've watched her lose contact with many people in her life and she always thought about her impact. They were NOT her targets, however. She cared to make it right with her favorite and with others, but with my dad, she never has, and with me I don't think she will either.

Do you ever wonder if BPD are capable of feeling love? And empathy on any level -- at least for their targets?   My mom has never apologized, felt she was at fault with me or most people in her life.  I've never see guilt if she has it--its private.
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madeline7
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« Reply #11 on: September 18, 2017, 09:34:56 AM »

Seems like the borderline is holding the cards, either talking to you, acting out, or giving the silent treatment. For me, the question raised is how to take charge of my own life, and not be at the mercy of the borderlines irrational and manipulative disordered personality. How to decide to stay NC after the latest silent treatment. Sadly, in my situation, that seems to be the path that would cause the least anxiety and stress in my life.
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Living Life

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« Reply #12 on: September 18, 2017, 12:11:01 PM »

No matter how bad her behavior, my mother would never apologize. It was always someone else's fault. And she never did anything to anyone. My emotional wall went up when I was 13; however, I have had to continue to deal with her my entire adult life, sometimes more successfully than others. In my situation, there was no solution, and then she finally died (age 96). I only discovered this board after she passed away, and discovered she had a flaming BPD. I am not crazy, and it is not my fault. The advice of those here certainly validates our common experiences and helps plan a path through the FOG. Wishing you the wisdom I didn't discover until too late.
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coola

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« Reply #13 on: September 19, 2017, 05:15:32 PM »

Living Life -- My mother is always right too. She has mumbled under her breathe maybe 3 apologies in my life. And she hasn't done it in years.  I'm sorry you didn't find out until it was too late, but that may have been good too.  If I see my mom again, I will look at her totally different and I can see how that will set her off all by itself. She will notice immediately. She will also hate I have a solid footing now.  I can hear her reaction,"What's wrong with you?" She'll jump to conclusions I don't care because I'm not at her feet trying to please her.  I don't think there is a win in any situation. I hope you have since found peace. 
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Living Life

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« Reply #14 on: September 19, 2017, 06:03:55 PM »

Thank you, Coola. No problem with my mother's final days and passing, I had no regrets. The majority of the family was thinking ":)ing, Dong, the witch is dead." Terrible thoughts, but she had been pretty horrible to everyone. I have only one sibling, an older brother. The real grieving has been over the surprising loss of that relationship. He took on the role and behaviors of my mother. In my long life, I have only been called horrible names and accused of untrue actions by my mother, and after her passing, by my brother. It took many tears, and a lot of soul searching; then I finally told him that since he had such an apparently low opinion of me, that I had little desire or hope of a future relationship with him. He gave me a final blast, and we have had NC since then. It has only been a few months, but I am finally living my life again, and finding joy.

I didn't discover BPD or this board until all this was over with. My verbal skills would be better now, but I still have no regrets. I get along well with others, am well regarded in the community, have friends, a long marriage, a very successful career, good relationships with the other family members, and absolutely no use for being painted black by the 2nd member of my family. I think much better of myself than that.

I used to become very anxious when I had to call my mother for her birthday or holidays (she lived in another state). Visiting with her was not as difficult, because my husband would be with me, and she was a bit afraid of him. He set a nonnegotiable boundary right before our wedding; she ended up respecting it, knowing that he would defend it if necessary and subsequently embarrass her.

My close friends all come from 'normal' families, so I learned fairly early that mine was definitely dysfunctional. I also learned 'normal' behavior, how to handle conflict, and how to have mutually giving long term relationships. I finally gave up on my mother after my father died; she could have chosen to live with peace and happiness, but she chose to continue her destructive behavior.

The amount of havoc, drama, and sadness the BPD causes is truly amazing. The only solution for my mother was for her to finally pass on. My solution for my brother is NC. It is wonderful to feel happiness again.

Don't let your mother drag you into her nastiness. Maintain your boundaries. Live life with joy.
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