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Author Topic: I revealed his BPD diagnosis in marriage counseling. I'm glad I did it.  (Read 462 times)
bananas2
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« on: September 14, 2017, 01:24:44 PM »

Last night we had our second session with the new marriage counselor. As I've stated previously, this is our 3rd attempt at counseling bc we had difficulty with the 1st two therapists - one was very unprofessional & the other had tremendous scheduling difficulties. After our 1st session with this new counselor last week, we both knew she was the one for us. The 3 of us "click."

I went into last night's session determined to not bring up his BPD bc I thought it may do more harm than good. (Background: hub initially accepted his diagnosis years ago, but has recently been wavering or outright denying it). I figured we'd just deal with the symptoms and not be concerned about the diagnosis.
About halfway through the session, as I was listening to BPDh answer T's questions, I started noticing his old habits coming out - circular talk, lies of omission, half-truths, avoidance, etc. I was trying to let it go and just let him talk, but as he continued down this path to nowhere, I felt something brewing inside me: "No. No more." I was trying to suppress it, but I could feel T checking my distressed body language. Sitting in silence, listening to BPDh starting to test the waters to determine the T's receptiveness to manipulation, I could no longer contain myself and before I knew it, I heard myself firmly but calmly saying aloud, "No. No. No." I reached over and lightly put my hand on hub's leg, saying to him, "Baby, I'm not saying this to shame you, but we have to talk about the elephant in the room." I turned to the T and said, "He has Borderline Personality Disorder." The minute I said it, I felt both relieved and terrified at the same time, and I told her so.

Her reaction was all that I could've hoped for. She facilitated a very comprehensive 3-way discussion about his BPD - diagnosis, treatment, symptoms, etc. She ended up thanking me for giving her this information and said that without this info, she would be like a doctor trying to treat a patient with a life-threatening disorder without the benefit of knowing any test results. She left us with an assignment to be completed by next session: We are to both list 3 needs and 3 deal-breakers in our r/s. She then went on to say that she had one deal-breaker - lying.

BPDh's reaction to my reveal was minimal - a surprising amount of calmness - which is also all that I could have hoped for. In the car, directly following the session, I said only one thing to hub, and that was that this session marks either the beginning or the end for us, and that the outcome will depend largely, but not solely, on him. He agreed.

Ultimately, I'm glad I spoke up. It felt wrong to not say anything. I did this for me, but I feel I did this more for "us" than anything else. I have hope that we can move forward from this point, but even if we can't, I'll always know I left no stone unturned.

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« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2017, 03:13:02 PM »

Hi bananas2,

That sounds like the session went well  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Keep us updated.
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« Reply #2 on: September 14, 2017, 06:15:26 PM »

Wow. Good job. You have guts of steel! Wishing you all the best.
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« Reply #3 on: September 14, 2017, 06:30:06 PM »

A general comment... .often couples try to have the therapist sort out who is right and who is wrong... .this is why MC is only 30% effective  - its really more important to use the therapists to help you and your husband work together on making life better for the two of you.

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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waitingwife
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« Reply #4 on: September 14, 2017, 09:50:25 PM »

We have also started mc in the hopes of working through the negative interactions we have been having. That is my intention, I haven't brought up BPD coz I figured the T is qualified enough to figure it out, it might tale a bit longer but it coming from the T than me might be more acceptable. Anyways tomorrow is our 3rd session after a lot of picking the right T from scheduling conflicts. So far we like the T and he's an older gentleman.
This is all hard stuff, my T said a cery sensible thing to me. It is a lot of hard work but one that's beneficial in the long run so stay invested & present. It made a lot of sense to shift my perspective from how sad that we're back to square one after 14 years of marriage. I can completely see how our own respective emotional baggage was guiding our actions & relationship so far. It's certainly very hard to shed the baggage of codependency & BPD to see what well-being looks like, so hang in there!
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« Reply #5 on: September 14, 2017, 10:37:49 PM »

bananas2, you rock!  I am glad you trusted your gut on this one!  Had you asked me, I would have said, "focus on the behaviors and let the therapist figure it out."  That is why I always try to remember when replying on this board that the OP is on the spot and has a lot of info we don't have about what's right for them and their situation.  Congratulations, well played.  Don't be surprised if your H slings it back at you later, just be ready, but don't doubt your decision.  You took a calculated risk that could save you lots of therapy time.  Sounds like you were thoughtful and measured in your delivery, too.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

waitingwife, sounds like you have a good plan, too.  Every situation is different.  I'm excited for you that your H has agreed to therapy.  Best wishes for good progress!
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« Reply #6 on: September 14, 2017, 10:58:10 PM »

Wow I am so impressed. Good for you. 
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waitingwife
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« Reply #7 on: September 15, 2017, 04:51:39 AM »

Our Marriage counselor asked us a question at our last session and it was- What does love look like for each one of us? Also what is it you love about your spouse?
I felt so caught off-guard and it was hard to answer that in that moment. But I introspected a lot and it gave me food for thought to think for 2 weeks. At the time I said I want my H to just get me at a deep cellular level, like understand my intentions like he does when he is emotionally regulated. Hubby also didn't have much to contribute coz I think it's hard to think & answer these kinda questions on the spot. But now after the appointment, I've made a list of my needs from love & marriage and they're pretty simple. I intend to discuss them with the mc today evening. What do ya'll feel about these needs?
1. Open channel of communication about how each of us feels, no matter how good or bad
I feel this need coz when the ST starts, I keep guessing what's happening inside of my uBPDH's mind?
2. If we cannot maintain the open communication (which might be likely) coz of his reasons/BPD/whatever, then I want to know how to put up a good boundary and we cannot let our DD experience the emotional distance and withholding.

Also uBPDH has been in individual therapy & taking zoloft since 4 weeks. When I initiate sex, he pulls away. Last week he actually came to me ' said- sweetheart, I'm really sorry that I'm not able to satisfy you, please give me sometime and we can keep trying. I'm also dealing with meds & the effeccs of it on my sex drive, etc.
I appreciate that he told me that and deep inside due to my codependency issues, I atleast know it's not me and he's working through his issues. So I have not initiated any physical intimacy and want to give him time. There are time I feel a need for physical intimacy though. All of this is kinda hard, when you make strides in the mental/emotional health, the physical health slides! Ugh, wish this was all easier.
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bananas2
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« Reply #8 on: September 15, 2017, 09:39:00 AM »

Thank you for all the support and encouragement! It really means a lot to me.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
That is why I always try to remember when replying on this board that the OP is on the spot and has a lot of info we don't have about what's right for them and their situation.
Excellent point, BB. The general guidelines and suggestions on this forum are invaluable tools, but IMHO, I think it's important to also be flexible enough to tailor them to each unique r/s.

Excerpt
Don't be surprised if your H slings it back at you later, just be ready, but don't doubt your decision.
BPDh was pretty rude and inconsiderate with me last night, but nothing terribly harsh. This may be a bit of backlash from the session, but then again we've both had a taxing week, so maybe we were both just cranky. Time will tell.

Excerpt
often couples try to have the therapist sort out who is right and who is wrong... .this is why MC is only 30% effective  - its really more important to use the therapists to help you and your husband work together on making life better for the two of you.
We both went into MC with the goal of improving and moving forward, and discussed ahead of time that it's not a right/wrong situation, so I feel we are on a good path. Yes, that 30% is a low number, but I guess I'd like to think of it as still being a chance of improving our relationship, no matter what the percentage.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Waitingwife - It sounds like you two are doing good work! Keep it up! I'm curious about your uBPDh's therapy & medications. Since he is undiagnosed BPD, may I ask what he is in therapy for? Does he have a different diagnosis?
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« Reply #9 on: September 15, 2017, 09:49:25 AM »

In the car, directly following the session, I said only one thing to hub, and that was that this session marks either the beginning or the end for us, and that the outcome will depend largely, but not solely, on him. He agreed.

my now ex and i agreed as well. she was diagnosed bipolar (not BPD) and she blamed her outbursts and rages on that, so naturally i did too.

so what transpired over time? i came to blame her issues for anything i disagreed with, any difference in perspective she had. i basically dismissed anything i didnt like.

and slowly, her perspective shifted. i had problems and we both knew it, but they remained. they remained largely because i saw her as bringing the most amount of dysfunction in the relationship. i saw myself as in a one up position. and when i wasnt seeing improvement on her end, i felt no motivation to do so on mine.

by the end of the relationship she saw the problems and dysfunction as mostly mine.

thats the stuff of a relationship slowly breaking down.

we never went to counseling together. i imagine if we had, i would have taken a similar approach. i would have heard her perspective, it would not have reflected my reality, and i would have dismissed it as a distortion, and part of her illness. i would have taken the approach of "yeah, but you have a mental illness, and thats whats killing our relationship."

just a word of caution.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle
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« Reply #10 on: September 15, 2017, 10:11:50 AM »

We both went into MC with the goal of improving and moving forward, and discussed ahead of time that it's not a right/wrong situation, so I feel we are on a good path. Yes, that 30% is a low number, but I guess I'd like to think of it as still being a chance of improving our relationship, no matter what the percentage.

I agree. It's a good thing to go. The context of 30% is really that we have to work hard/smart in counseling to get its benefits. Mine failed. I think it was because we were too focused on being heard an on the other person making changes, and not enough on ourselves.
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bananas2
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« Reply #11 on: September 15, 2017, 10:17:23 AM »

once removed -
Thank you for sharing your experience and for the word of caution. I definitely do need to go back and re-read about the Karpman triangle. Thank you for reminding me of my own responsibilities in the r/s and keeping me in check.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Going back and reading my comment about this, I fear I didn't express myself well. I should have clarified that in my saying that the outcome depends largely on him, I was referring to a specific behavior of his: lying. Our marriage counselor spoke to him at length about his compulsive lying and said that if he is dishonest in our sessions, that she will discontinue our MC. So what I should have said is that our continuing MC with this T will depend on his ability to be truthful.

I'm very glad you pointed this out, bc I need to now go back to BPDh & make sure I communicated this to him correctly. I don't want him to feel that I meant the outcome of our entire r/s is in his hands. We are both equally responsible for this marriage, and I need to better express that to him. Thanks!  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #12 on: September 15, 2017, 10:19:20 AM »

once removed, that is a good caution.  I definitely am finding it hard work to try to move from "victim" to the center of the triangle, and to make sure I am owning my own issues.  It can be especially tough if even the truths about us come wrapped in nasty packages that can make us feel like victims.  The board can help with this.  I recently posted about a disagreement I had with my wife and through the process of writing the post and reading and reflecting on the replies I realized that that particular disagreement was more on me than on her.

That said, I'm excited for bananas2 and hope she gets the progress she is looking for.  30% odds sound good to me!
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« Reply #13 on: September 15, 2017, 10:21:58 AM »

It sounds like an encouraging start,bananas2!

My suggestion is to consider asking the MC if you can have individual sessions with him -- it can be helpful to hear from each party privately before she figures out a treatment plan.
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« Reply #14 on: September 15, 2017, 10:55:53 AM »

I should have clarified that in my saying that the outcome depends largely on him, I was referring to a specific behavior of his: lying. Our marriage counselor spoke to him at length about his compulsive lying and said that if he is dishonest in our sessions, that she will discontinue our MC. So what I should have said is that our continuing MC with this T will depend on his ability to be truthful.

okay. thats an important distinction and thanks for clarifying. honesty and accountability are essential. a good marriage counselor can help keep either or both parties accountable.
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« Reply #15 on: September 16, 2017, 08:51:48 AM »

We had our 3rd MC yesterday and I told the counselor in front of my hubby that i really appreciated H being forthcoming about telling me that he's doing a lot of hard psychological work and the new meds are the reason he's not able to reciprocate the physical connection with me. The T explained to my H that withholding how you're feeling from a spouse is almost equal to cheating or infidelity coz the trust is broken. So we all agreed that when H dysregulates, he'd be forthcoming & tell me that it's something he is going through mentally. Also H said to the MC that when we married, he thought I was perfect and he expected me to read his mind & fulfil his unspoken needs. And that now he realizes that I am not perfect coz I've communicated with him and told him that I cannot do each & everything right co I'm far from perfect and he needs to think about whether that's okay for him. Whether he's willing to accept a partner who is trying to be "whole" but definitely not "perfect". We seemed to have some sorta breakthrough there, atleast I think. I told MC for the "what is love to you" question, that for me communication and NOT having unspoken expectations is of utmost importance for well being in a relationship.
We'll see where this takes us. H in the car asked me whether we really beed MC coz in his words, he would continue individual therapy to work through his shortcomings. I told him I need it for some more time as I really would like to discuss our most recent negative interaction or conflicts to see what ideas the counselor has to make it more positive. So we've agreed to continue some more
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« Reply #16 on: September 16, 2017, 01:42:54 PM »

waitingwife, it sounds like a good session.  I'm happy for you!   Smiling (click to insert in post)

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