I can't take it anymore - I think that's it for me.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Thank You all for support over the past weeks. My story may be familiar to some. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=314479.0

So there I was. Reading this great forum. With all of Your stories. Finding comfort knowing that I'm not alone. Thank You all for replies and kind words. You are great.

Just an hour ago I had normal/casual friday. As everyday I was just trying to keep my head up but inside I was analizing, thinking about my ex and her new boyfriend and how maybe it really is rebound. Maybe some day there might be hope.

Around half an hour ago I looked into my ex's new guy facebook. Yes, I shouldn't have done that. But I did and I saw that they are looking for a place together. It was first strike... .Pain so huge that I couldn't catch my breath. After less than 2 months they are planning to move in together.
I got sick. I went to the bathroom and threw up. When I came to computer again I noticed that my ex deleted me from her FB contacts... .When I went NC I thought about it but not wanting to loose her completely and a fact that she didn't deleted me either gave me hope. But now... .In split second she did it. It can't be coincident... .Him- posting about looking for apartment and her deletion of me from FB. That was second strike... .


... .And I can't take the third. I just can't. I give up.

Thank You for all Your support. I wish I never met her. I wish I never loved her like I still do.

[Nero.]

Thank You all for support over the past weeks. My story may be familiar to some. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=314479.0

So there I was. Reading this great forum. With all of Your stories. Finding comfort knowing that I'm not alone. Thank You all for replies and kind words. You are great.

Just an hour ago I had normal/casual friday. As everyday I was just trying to keep my head up but inside I was analizing, thinking about my ex and her new boyfriend and how maybe it really is rebound. Maybe some day there might be hope.

Around half an hour ago I looked into my ex's new guy facebook. Yes, I shouldn't have done that. But I did and I saw that they are looking for a place together. It was first strike... .Pain so huge that I couldn't catch my breath. After less than 2 months they are planning to move in together.
I got sick. I went to the bathroom and threw up. When I came to computer again I noticed that my ex deleted me from her FB contacts... .When I went NC I thought about it but not wanting to loose her completely and a fact that she didn't deleted me either gave me hope. But now... .In split second she did it. It can't be coincident... .Him- posting about looking for apartment and her deletion of me from FB. That was second strike... .


... .And I can't take the third. I just can't. I give up.

Thank You for all Your support. I wish I never met her. I wish I never loved her like I still do.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Nero(PL),

I'm so sorry to hear of your pain.  That was a lot to take in all at once and must feel very final and distressing for you if you were holding out hope.  Your post worries me.  I'm concerned about you as this sounds like a farewell.  Are you feeling suicidal?  I ask because we care about you and would like to help you through this.  I know how terrible this feels right now, but these feelings will ease and eventually pass.  Stay with us and we can support you.

... .And I can't take the third. I just can't. I give up.

Thank You for all Your support. I wish I never met her. I wish I never loved her like I still do.

Love and light x

[Mutt]

Hi Nero(PL)

But I did and I saw that they are looking for a place together

I'm sorry that would be a tough post to read on social media, I know that you probably don't want to hear this but closeness triggers the disorder, if you think about it this way, it means that the disorder will be triggered faster closer than being apart.

[Edin]

I've been doing that as well, following my ex online. When he deleted me from fb, two months after the end of our relationship, I knew something was up, I guessed who could be the replacement, so I looked around on her profile and those of her friends, and the next day I found a post of them, happily together on a night out. It broke my heart. After a while, I noticed there were less posts, and actually thought they might have split up already. Boy, I was wrong, I recently found another post of them being together, totally in love, at a family event. It broke my heart again, I still feel the need to find out more, but the urge is declining.

I think there is only so much you can handle, after being discarded already in the relationship, and then to find you can be replaced in a breeze. For me, the idea that this is not the kind of person I want to be with is settling in my mind. I think it is healthy to feel attached, to struggle to detach, even though it hurts like hell. I don't want to be with anyone again who doesn't feel the same way. I read your story, it is devastating when you put so much effort into the relationship and you've gone through so much together for so many years. Mine was only 1,5yrs, but it could have easily been more. After 1 year already we had a lot of drama behind us. It was me who wasn't able to put an end to the relationship back then when I should have. It is because I put his needs above my own, that's the part that wasn't healthy that I have to own.

Maybe it is something you can relate to. Sending you a lot of strength... .

[Nero.]

I'm still here. Last night was the toughest since I found out about her new relationship. Still hurts like hell.
I woke up this morning and I just don't get anything by this point.
Firstly she talked to me saying that it's over one and for all. That we'll never be together. But it's not about someone else, she just want's to stay single for a long period of time to "heal herself"
Then she talked to my friend. Saying same thing BUT adding that maaaaaybe after some time, like a year or two, she could picture us getting back together. And once again- she's saying that she's not seeing anyone else etc.
Finally I find out via FB that she's in new relationship a WEEK after she talked to my friend!

Then she's going on holidays with him and now they are moving in together while at the same time she blocked me on fb... .


And then I started thinking that maybe Borderline is coming back. All that rush. Holidays, moving in with someone, blocking me etc. Maybe she's off her meds and stopped going to therapy? I don't know... .And she knows this guy couple of months. That's it. He's not an "old friend" or unresolved lover from the past. He's just... .A guy. And she's moving in with him after less than 2 months? Who does that?

I just can't belive that's the same person I knew for the past 12 years. It doesn't make ANY sense.

And then there is my stupid, stupid nature... .Because I still love her. And I'm starting to hate myself for it. And for the fact that right now... .When I know that they will be living together, that she deleted me from social media etc. I know that she'll never reach out me. That I'm dead to her.


Thank You all for private messages. I'm far from being okey. You guys are such a huge support. And I know that I may look like a weak loser but please... .I'm really trying to do my best. I'm just stupid enough to still love her. So thank You all. And please, let me know what You think about all this.

[Pedro]

Hey there Nero(PL).

I am sorry you are experiencing what you are feeling and thinking right now, I really do. My ex gf with BPD and I separated 5 months ago after being in a relationship for six years, and living together for 5.5 years.
You have done the right thing by opening yourself up to BPD family.

I felt suicidal for days immediately after the break up, partly because of my own long standing history of Depression and Anxiety, and the break up which exacerbated those symptoms.  Neither of you know whether you will reconcile but you have to focus on yourself right now and nothing else. Take things one day at a time, it's so hard right now but you will come through this in time. I know you may not want to hear this right now but it is true.

Take time out for yourself, do not cut yourself off from people, make use of family, relatives, friends and colleagues for emotional and psychological support.  It would be beneficial if you can access therapist support and treatment for yourself as soon as reasonable as possible.

Look after yourself, you must try and be positive and focussed despite being in the most horrendous place emotionally.  You will get through this, time is a good healer as the saying goes.  Almost all staff and members here either have been through or are  going through what you are experiencing right now. Lean on people here for support and advice, read up all the links and threads provided here it really does help.

Take care Nero(PL).

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Nero(PL),

It's great to hear from you.  

When you are feeling very low, do you have a supportive friend/family member you can call?  At this time it would be good to have someone to lean on at short notice if you are feeling overwhelmed.  There are plenty of talking helplines too that you could call up and vent to if you need to.  What you're going through is really tough and bound to be confusing and upsetting.  Anyone would feel terribly wounded in your shoes.  I feel for you.

Sometimes BPD behaviour is really difficult to wrap our heads around, undoubtedly, and we may never fully understand.  From an outside perspective it sounds to me like your ex was trying to protect both your feelings by not being open and honest about the new r/s (if in fact she was in it at the point she spoke with your friend, as things can and do happen fast sometimes).  It could well be and likely is the case that she didn't want to hurt you and also had a hard time struggling with guilt and shame around moving on with someone else.  Which would explain her reluctance to admit this at the time.  For a pwBPD feelings=facts, so as things have progressed with this new person, she will have been going through the idealisation stage in going on holiday and talking about moving in together.  We know this doesn't last forever, and I know this doesn't take away your immediate pain but it's pretty certain that any r/s she enters is going to be fraught with difficulties.  Often the picture painted on social media is a facade.  It would help you if you could resist looking at what she is posting, as it's unlikely to be a true picture of what is going on and can only lead to heartache.

And then there is my stupid, stupid nature... .Because I still love her. And I'm starting to hate myself for it. And for the fact that right now... .When I know that they will be living together, that she deleted me from social media etc. I know that she'll never reach out me. That I'm dead to her.]And then there is my stupid, stupid nature... .Because I still love her. And I'm starting to hate myself for it. And for the fact that right now... .When I know that they will be living together, that she deleted me from social media etc. I know that she'll never reach out me. That I'm dead to her.

You're feeling down on yourself at the moment yet we cannot know what the future holds.  Let's focus on today.  How do you fill your time around work?  Is there someone you can rely upon to take your mind off things and get you out of the house for a while?  :)o you like to go for walks?  Personally my escape from everything to give my mind and emotions a rest is to take myself to the cinema and watch a good film with a huge tub of popcorn.  It clears my brain and heart for a couple of hours and that rest really helps.  What do you enjoy?

And I know that I may look like a weak loser but please... .I'm really trying to do my best. I'm just stupid enough to still love her.]And I know that I may look like a weak loser but please... .I'm really trying to do my best. I'm just stupid enough to still love her.

On the contrary Nero(PL).  You look like someone who is strong enough and brave enough to share your deepest feelings and seek help from others.  A human being who is in pain and struggling.  It takes courage to be open and let others know that you're having such a hard time.  It is clear you're doing your best and that is admirable.  We respect this and nobody here judges anyone.  We're all in various stages of this ourselves.  There's also nothing stupid about loving her.  It's OK to feel as you do.  Be kind to yourself and let us know how you're doing.  We're here for you.

Love and light x  

[heartandwhole]

How are you doing today, Nero? 

[Lost-love-mind]

Nero.
Your cyber stalking your ex's boyfriend reminds me of last year when I did the same for my ex-wife boyfriend and now he is her new husband.
Take me a long time to get over the fact that my ex-wife and moved on. But now, after seeing her so happy with a friend, something that her and I were never friends, I look at it as a good thing for her. While my ex-wife was not a BPD, she certainly had the passive-aggressive characteristic of punishing me from time to time for my poor Behavior.
When I found out that she was engaged last March,  I was totally bewildered. However, a woman that was a friend of mine asked me a key question is "he a good man?".
In this case you're dealing with an BPD ex that has unstable emotions and the inability to express her needs.
I was only with my BPD ex for two months but fell extremely Head Over Heels due to the love bombing. When she changed jobs to a physical labor job in a factory her mood completely changed and her demeanor was always crabby and complaining of pain. Post breakup her attitude toward me was completely akin to a conduit of the devil.
One of my former business partners who was married to a BPD told me I dodged a bullet by not continuing a relationship with her. Then one of the women that I dated online real briefly, who is an admitted BPD, said the exact same thing that I had dodged a bullet.
I know it's hard right now but the same holds true for all of us that rid Our Lives of a emotionally challenged BPD. I hope you find some solace in the fact that despite your emotional Abyss at this time, you'll find somebody that hopefully will not treat you the same way. Good luck my friend.

[Mutt]

Hi Nero(PL),

And she's moving in with him after less than 2 months? Who does that?

I just can't belive that's the same person I knew for the past 12 years. It doesn't make ANY sense.

And then there is my stupid, stupid nature... .Because I still love her. And I'm starting to hate myself for it. And for the fact that right now... .When I know that they will be living together, that she deleted me from social media etc. I know that she'll never reach out me. That I'm dead to her.

Don't beat yourself up. You had a long history together and it takes time to grieve a r/s, things are happening so quickly that it's completely understandable that you still have feelings, you don't have time to catch up, a pwBPD don't grieve same way as you do. Cut yourself self some slack, you're a good guy  Hang in there.

[Fie]

Hello Nero 

You are not a loser. Your feelings are normal.
I would like to recommend to you the book 'the journey from abandonment to healing'. It describes your feelings and explains them. For me it made so much sense, and I stopped feeling abnormal upon reading it.

You are not alone.
 

[hope2727]

You are not alone. You love your ex. For you it was real. It takes time to let the dream die. Be gentle with yourself. Healing takes time. We are hear for you when you need to talk.   

[Nero.]

When you are feeling very low, do you have a supportive friend/family member you can call?  At this time it would be good to have someone to lean on at short notice if you are feeling overwhelmed.  There are plenty of talking helplines too that you could call up and vent to if you need to.  What you're going through is really tough and bound to be confusing and upsetting.  Anyone would feel terribly wounded in your shoes.  I feel for you.

You're feeling down on yourself at the moment yet we cannot know what the future holds.  Let's focus on today.  How do you fill your time around work?  Is there someone you can rely upon to take your mind off things and get you out of the house for a while?  Do you like to go for walks?  Personally my escape from everything to give my mind and emotions a rest is to take myself to the cinema and watch a good film with a huge tub of popcorn.  It clears my brain and heart for a couple of hours and that rest really helps.  What do you enjoy?

Yes. I am lucky to have amazing mother. And she's really helping me with what's going on. It's also not easy for Her because She knew my ex very well and they were close together. So my ex ignoring Her email and not even writing a simple "thank You, but no thank You" was low blow.
I also have two best friends. Especially the one that talked to my ex month ago. When I was really not doing okey, he would stay at my place for couple of days just to keep and eye on me. And he's checking on me on daily basis.
And I have You guys... .People that understand. People that know how it is to be with BPD partner.
So yeah... .I have amazing friend and family. But I know that they are hurt too. They all knew my ex. They all liked her and, especially my mom, thought that we can work things out. Because after 12 years of knowing someone... .How can someone cross a person from their lives? Well... .That's exactly what happend.

Actually, there are plenty of stuff I'm doing besides work. Gym 4 times per week for the last 5 years, recently I started volunteering at local animal shelter (I really love animals and being around dogs is amazing. They are so pure, honest and kind) during weekends and I also take part in sessions about climat change. So I've met some amazing people. People that are familiar with hard work but at the same time people who want to go that extra mile to make world just a little bit better. But at the same time these are the things we, me and my ex, were planning to do together. She's also an animal lover, or so she said, but it looks like those things are no longer interesting for her.

Hi Nero(PL),
Don't beat yourself up. You had a long history together and it takes time to grieve a r/s, things are happening so quickly that it's completely understandable that you still have feelings, you don't have time to catch up, a pwBPD don't grieve same way as you do. Cut yourself self some slack, you're a good guy  Hang in there.

Thx Mutt. But the thing I'm mostly angry about is me still wanting to see Her. I wouldn't call it hope... .It's more like a hunch - that our story is not finished yet. And It's absurd. I have no "right" to feel this way. I know that Im dead to her. She blocked me, she kicked me out of her life. So yeah... .This is what I'm mostly embarrassed about.

You are not alone. You love your ex. For you it was real. It takes time to let the dream die. Be gentle with yourself. Healing takes time. We are hear for you when you need to talk.   

Hello Nero 
You are not a loser. Your feelings are normal.
I would like to recommend to you the book 'the journey from abandonment to healing'. It describes your feelings and explains them. For me it made so much sense, and I stopped feeling abnormal upon reading it.
You are not alone.
 

Thank You guys. It REALLY means a lot to me. Thank You!

[Freeatlast_1]

Wow this is hitting a soft spot. I feel THE SAME. My ex started dating someone and I blocked her off of everything today. I don't know what to know how serious it is or if she's moving in or whatever it is... .I can't handle it. My ex and I dated for a year and a half and we were extremely close. She was so in love with me as of a week ago , then now she's with someone else. Now I am questioning if she ever loved me. She claimed yesterday via text that she's trying to survive, which I don't believe. She promised she's going to go work on herself but apparently she can't be alone. She is now blocked from everything... .I unblocked her for a second, got a panic attack then blocked her again... .I am torn because I want to be with her. But I know if I go back now, A. she will push me away cuz she's probably in honeymoon phase, B. We will fight like cats and dogs again. Do they come back? if she texts me or emails me and I don't get any of it, do you guys think she would reach out to my work?

[LoveLostHeart]

Wow this is hitting a soft spot. I feel THE SAME. My ex started dating someone and I blocked her off of everything today. I don't know what to know how serious it is or if she's moving in or whatever it is... .I can't handle it. My ex and I dated for a year and a half and we were extremely close. She was so in love with me as of a week ago , then now she's with someone else. Now I am questioning if she ever loved me. She claimed yesterday via text that she's trying to survive, which I don't believe. She promised she's going to go work on herself but apparently she can't be alone. She is now blocked from everything... .I unblocked her for a second, got a panic attack then blocked her again... .I am torn because I want to be with her. But I know if I go back now, A. she will push me away cuz she's probably in honeymoon phase, B. We will fight like cats and dogs again. Do they come back? if she texts me or emails me and I don't get any of it, do you guys think she would reach out to my work?

I have seen many different experiences on here and they are all different. So as for my, my ex seems to be pretty good at cutting people out and not contacting them for a long time. I have seen her do it during our time together although she just always stated it was them having a problem. I think they must have felt the same way I did, and now, I am probably one of those guys too. I am hoping she will reach out too. But then again, I will never be sure of the fact that I can trust her, or that I am just trown into the cycle. So many uncertanties... .
I will only know if she will come back if it actually happends... I wish I just didnt feel such a need for her, and just could say she is no good or she doesn't want me, let go. We both need to find ourselves back first. But easier said then done I agree

[Nero.]

I am hoping she will reach out too. But then again, I will never be sure of the fact that I can trust her, or that I am just trown into the cycle. So many uncertanties... .
I will only know if she will come back if it actually happends... I wish I just didnt feel such a need for her, and just could say she is no good or she doesn't want me, let go.

Do they come back? if she texts me or emails me and I don't get any of it, do you guys think she would reach out to my work?

I hope that You guys can find peace. As for me, I'm almost 100% sure that I'll never see my ex again. She didn't just "left me". She kicked me out without hesitation and started a new relationship... .and all that after 12 years of knowing each other and being together through toughest situations (anorexia, drinking, cutting herself etc.)
However my mother and my friends are convinced that Her new relationship is not going to last. That Borderline will come back knocking to Her door and then I'll probably hear Her knocking to my door.
But at that point everyone is telling me not to let Her near me.

So do they come back? Only time will tell I guess.
Would I like to see Her coming back? Yes. But not only becasue I still love Her. But also becasue I would like for Her to acknowledge the fact that Her decision, her plan to move on etc. failed. It's selfish, maybe even cruel to want that for her. But I can't help it.

I love Her. I wan't to have one, ONE chance to create a new relationship with Her. But the fact is... .There is NOTHING I can do anymore. Nothing. It's all up to Her. And she doesn't give a crap about me. She's in love. She's moving in with her new boyfriend after 2 months! She simply kicked me out of Her life.

So I don't think there is an answer guys. I think we just have to accept that. It's rubbish, it hurts and I'm terrible at dealing with it... .I hope You guys are going to be stronger and smarter than I am.

[Nero.]

Just wanted to give and update.
So I visited psychiatrist and she changed my meds. After getting new antidepressants I sleep better. Also even tho I still have the same thoughts and I still feel heartbroken, I'm more... .let's say... .peaceful. So if any on You feels the same as I did I hardly recommend seeking professional care. Depression can destroy anyone, so fight back.

As for my ex. I recieved notification from Linkedin about some unrelated stuff. But while checking it out I noticed that my contacts list is missing one person... .Yep, she blocked me. At least that's what I thought. I was trying to type her name using PC in my job and it looks like she deleted her entire linkedin account.

So here is my question... .If she's happy. With new boyfriend. Going on holidays, looking for apartment etc. Why bother? If I was at her place I couldn't care less about facebook, linkedin etc. If someone would check me out on social media? So be it! I'm happy! I don't care! All I care about is that now I moved on, found peace etc.
So why on earth she's acting all weird and stuff? She blocked me on FB - That I can understand. She hates me now or worse - she doesn't care about me at all anymore. But deleting entire Linkedin account? Why? It's website for job search for crying out loud? Also what's up with all that rush? When she was diagnosed with Borderline, every doctor was telling Her that person with BPD needs stability, comfort. Making commitments after commitments in such a short period of time... .I don't know if that's stability. I'm not judging I really don't know.

[Mutt]

Hi Nero(PL),

I'd like to add to your comment about depression, I'd also recommend getting a gym membership and exercise, a gym routine helps with depression and anxiety symptoms, I'm not saying replace that with meds, I take meds for depression and it makes a world of difference, if medication works for you, I'm saying do it concurrently with meds. I do both meds / 6 day a week gym routine and you don't have to do that many days  I just really like it I'd recommend 3 days a week at least.

To address your questioned about Linked in, pwBPD carry a lot of shame, you had a long history together and seeing you or a reminder of you is a source of shame for her. Now I'm speculating, it could be a coincidence too, but if there is tie with you, it's most likely shame.

[Harley Quinn]

I'm with Mutt on the meds and training.  I usually train 5 or 6 days a week and recently my depression took hold, and I've gone less as a result so although I'm on medication too it didn't seem to be keeping me as balanced.  Got a friend to drag me out of the house to the gym again this morning and I do feel like I'm turning a corner.  It definitely helps.  May also get my medication reviewed.  Glad to hear that you are feeling a little easier and having a positive effect from the change Nero(PL).  You're absolutely right about fighting back against depression.  We have it in our power to take action and tackle it head on and it's advisable to do so when we recognise the signs.  Good on you!

Love and light x

[WildernessMan]

If youre not the gym type, try hiking. Thats what I do. It burns caleries, gets your heart pumping and gets the good juices flowing. I bet there is a hiking trail near you. Hiking became more popular when the economy turned ugly a while back. Thats what got me hiking.

Try it. You might like it.

[Mutt]

Whatever you choose, training, hiking, make sure you break a sweat

[Nero.]

I am going to the gym. 4 times a week for the past 5 years. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I'm eating healthy etc.
So yes, It's obviously helps. Keeping Yourself occupied and exhausted in a good way.
But even tho I'm doing that and plenty other things the thought of my ex being with another guy. And never seeing her again... .It's as fresh as it was the first time she told me that we'll never be together. It's also not helping that I'm constantly reminded of that by her weird behavior (deleting linkedin etc.)

So for those who read my story - Should I give up all hope? Just accept the fact that she moved on and blocked me in every way possible? I think I should... .She hates me, she doesn't care about those 6 years we've been together and those 12 we've known each other. My friends and family is telling me that her new relationship won't last long. And when she'll feel broken she might come to me. And if that happens I should turn around and walk away because of what she did.
But my thoughts are telling me that it's never gonna happen. She's diagnosed Borderline - yes, but I don't think it will make her think about what she did to me. I know that we'll NEVER be together again. She said so. I just can't stop thinking about her being with this guy for the years to come. A guy that never even fought for her. He just was at the right place in the right time... .And now they are moving in together.

Please... .Tell me what to do.

[Mutt]

Hi Nero(PL)

We can’t tell you what to do, we can support you, I think that you have the right idea, extinguish any hope that you’re going to get back together I’d also like to add grieve your loss, get off the rollercoaster for good by detaching from your pwBPD and rebuild.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Nero,

Have you taken a look at the lessons to the right of the board?  I won't tell you to, but would advise you to now if you've not already.  It may help you to find the stage you're at right now and normalise it for yourself.  It's hard to let go I know and I can hear your cry for help to figure out what to do and how to proceed.  I feel that the best thing you can do right now is accept that the ball is out of your court.  She has entered a new r/s, regardless of how long that lasts.  All you can do is honour that and step away.  In doing so, turn the focus of your thoughts to rebuilding yourself, as Mutt suggests.    No one knows what the future holds, however we can control what we do with our present.  Make it worthwhile for you.

Love and light x