Will she come back?

[hyperion]

Hello everyone,

I'm a 22 yearl-old guy from Spain who has been dating a soon-to-be 22 year-old girl with BPD traits. I've read this forum every now and then, but I think it's time to take part in it.

I've known her for more than two years, but it is nine months ago that we started dating/hooking up. From the very beginning I noticed in her an intensity unknown to me before. The sex was perfect, probably the best I've ever had, but her behaviour soon started to be contradictory. She used to say: "are you so loving and caring with every girl you have sex with? I'm not, I just want sex, don't cuddle me please." Then, confused, I stopped, and she used to kiss me tenderly, which noticeably increased my bewilderment. We would also gaze at each other as though there were nobody else in the world. From that point we started to date, but not officially, in fact, it's never been official because she's never been completely sure of labelling me as her boyfriend. We started talking to each other everyday, but after the first month, she began to ignore me. I was really confused, because everything was going well, so I asked her what was wrong and she replied: "I don't want problems, leave alone, please, I prefer to be friends with you". I told her that I couldn't be friends with her after what had happened, and she accepted it. The next day, however, she texted me insisting that we could be friends. I agreed and then she started to be really receptive and loving again, we soon trascended the limits of friendship and ended up having passionate sex again. I then realised that there was something wrong and I came to the conclusion that she had developed a fearful attachment style, which made sense after analysing her behavioural patterns and learning how unstructured and chaotic her childhood and past relationships had been. Time soon proved me right. From this very moment, she started splitting. I was either an angel or a demon, perfect or absolutely flawed. She would refuse to see me and withhold sex and affection one day, and then crave my company and please me the next. I also began to notice a mild jealousy - which she strongly denied - over meaningless things, like Facebook likes from months and even years ago before we had started dating. I didn't understand her behaviour, but I knew it wasn't my fault, there was clearly something wrong with her. After two months, I started reading psychological articles and real-world stories that described similar behavioural patterns and I realised she may very well have BPD. I wrote a report where I detailed every abnormal trait she displayed and ended it with my unofficial potential diagnosis: BPD. Then I sent it to a professional therapist, but to no avail. It was a public service offered by our university and I got no response for God knows what reason. However, time was enough to prove me right once again. She's not been diagnosed yet, but her BPD traits are now conspicuous to me. The following months were filled with calm and turmoil, love and hate, rage and tenderness, blame and praise, shame and pride, trust and suspicion... .At times I felt I was stuck in a bottomless pit and other times I used to feel the happiest man on Earth, but I realised I was losing myself, my self-esteem, though really healthy at the start, had been resenting with her constant, savage criticism. Sometimes it seemed that she was determined to erase every speck of self-worth in me. Therefore, I decided to set boundaries and give her an ultimatum: if she didn't start seeing a therapist, I would leave the relationship. One day I noticed she was really receptive and calm, so I thought it was a good idea to tell her that she has a lot of BPD traits and that it would do her good to see a therapist. And so did I, in a loving way, but she replied with mild disagreement. "No, I don't think so. Why would you say that?" Then I started describing her behaviour and comparing it to that of BPDs, and things got worse, but after two hours talking, I eventually convinced her to see a therapist, for if she didn't acquiesce, I would leave the relationship. She received therapy for three or four weeks and then quit it. It was totally useless.

Here are some (funny) examples of her disproportioned behaviour:

-We would see each other everyday, and spend almost all of our time together. One day I was at her place and told her that I had to leave for a concert (I'm a classical music enthusiast). She got angry and started to complain, and then I told her that she should respect that I have an individual life apart from her. She was still angry, but I left. Once I was in the street I noticed some water falling from the sky right towards me, but it wasn't rain. It was her pouring a glass of water over me. I dodged it and started laughing. After the concert I met her again, and she wasn't angry anymore.

-Many times, we've gone for a walk by the river and when I happen to unconsciously look at a stranger female for 0,0001 seconds, she interprets it as a betrayal and gives me the silent treatment for some minutes to some hours.

-We once had to buy the morning-after pill because of a broken condom and she got furious and started to blame me viciously. I had never seen anyone so desperately angry. I gave her the pill and then she ordered me to leave. I did. Then she texted me something along these lines: "COME HERE, COME HERE, YOU ARE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MISERABLE I'M FEELING, YOU WILL SUFFER, I ASSURE YOU" It seems I had been dating the Devil himself. I was scared at that moment, I even called my dad because I genuinely feared she could harm me. I didn't comply with her demands, though. I met her the next day and she was still really angry. I insisted that it wasn't my fault and she started to weep uncontrollably and claimed that she felt dirty and that she didn't want to have sex. I finally acknowledged her feelings and she started to feel calmer.

-One day she noticed I had given like to one girl I had added before starting to date her. It was just a like, with no hidden motivations. She started raging and calling me names through text, and said she would cheat on me for being such a pervert, that she wanted me to cry and suffer. It then escalated to the point where she told me the following: "I hope you get cancer", and then blocked me off her social media. It was this incident that led me to give her an ultimatum.

After she had quit therapy, we both had to separate because the school year had ended, we both had to go to our respective hometowns. Our student years were over. We had a dramatic farewell, in which we kissed passionately and she swore that we would see each other soon. I believed her and then left. 5 minuted later she texts me saying that she loves me so much, that we will see each other soon. The first week apart was fine, though her lovingness started to progressively decline. She remembered the time I told her she had BPD and felt attacked, and then split black. She told me I was such an arrogant person, an ignorant and a loser, that she didn't even like me anymore, that she thought I would be different, but that I am as horrible as the rest of guys. I tried not to take it personally, but she eventually started to tell me these stuff quite often, so my self-worth started to gradually wane. After almost two months without seeing each other, and after lots of spliting white and black, I decided to go see her. She lives 3 hours away from me. I slept in a hostel with 5 other strangers because I couldn't afford anything better and she wouldn't let me sleep at her place.

I saw her. She was more beautiful than ever, I couldn't take my eyes of off her. I wanted to kiss her, hug her, touch her, make love to her... .The first day was perfect. We went to a little village by the cantabrian sea and spent the day talking and sunbathing. Then we got in her car and kissed, made out, and more interesting stuff... .But no sex. The second day was ok, but worse, the third one even worse, and the rest of the trip was deeply frustrating. I was alone at her hometown and I felt abandoned. Somehow she felt triggered by my sole presence. I felt mocked, contempted and humilliated. She wouldn't let me hold her hand or kiss her in public, as though she were ashamed of me. She told me she doesn't want to let others know she has a boyfriend, it's too much pressure for her seemingly. In the end, she refused to have sex with me, although we both wanted it so badly. I had never felt so frustrated and helpless, I cried in front of her so much that I even had a breakdown. I lost it. Then I went back to my hometown.

The first week after coming back she split white and told me that she loved me so much, and that I was the smartest and best guy that she knows but that she coudln't have sex with anyone at the moment, that she needs time. I agreed, she needs time for herself. But we kept talking anyway. She then split black again and started raging for no apparent reason, so I stopped texting her and let her text me whenever she wanted instead. One week ago she noticed I had accepted a woman's friend request on my Facebook and told me: "Oh, I see you're now friends with a new chick". I replied that I could do whatever I wanted with my Facebook, and she was a girl from a Facebook group I'm in, that I didn't have any romantic interest in her. But she didn't seem to accept it and started to threaten me that she would meet other guys if I didn't delete her. I refused to do so because I didn't want to be blackmailed, and told her: "If you don't respect my freedom, I don't want you to be part of my life". And then the argument escalated and the threats continued till she told me not to talk to her again and blocked me off WhatsApp and Facebook Messenger.

Now it's been almost a week without talking to her, but she's already unblocked me on WhatsApp. I believe she wants me to chase her and comply with her request, but I don't want to do that. I'm waiting for her to text me, which I believe she will, but I'm not sure. It's the first time we've been so many days with no contact whatsoever. It's being hard, because I miss her, but I think that being consistent with the boundary I've set is the best long-term policy. I love her so much, but I won't stay in the relationship if she doesn't respect my boundaries, and one of them is not controlling my social media.

Do you think she's BPD? Do you think she'll eventually start to observe my limit and come back? She's making it hard for me to stay firm in my decision... .I want her back. Should I text her or it is best wait?

Thank you in advance and sorry for the long post.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LoveLostHeart]

Welcome Hyperion,

Sad to hear you had such a difficult time. I recognize the part where she didn't want to call you her boyfriend. My BPD ex did exactly the same. During a year she never actually called me her boyfriend. Even I thought she did to some of her close friends, I found out afterwards that she never did. I was always "just a friend". She also never changed her fb status from single, and never liked or replied to any loving messages I have send to her in public. Also she told me she disliked being close  to each other in public so holding hands or kissing her in public was not an option.

She always said to me it was because of a previous relationship in which she gave all of herself, she was now afraid to be in a relationship. Even though I was with her every single day, and practically living at her place because she would never come to mine, it probably never was a relationship in her eyes.

One time after we broke up and got back together I told her that if I would come back I wanted her to call this an actual relationship. She agreed but took the first chance she could to pick a fight and told me she won't do it anymore. Silly enough, I stayed.

I am not sure if your ex gf has BPD, but it is very clear that your relationship wasn't healthy as wasn't mine. I think you did a great job in setting your boundaries and I think you should stick to your guns.

I would spend some more time on this forum and read more of the stories you see here. It's up to you if you still want to try it with this woman, but it seems to me she is not respecting you like she should. In a normal relationship, you both should be proud of each other and would be happy to let the world know you are together.

[Mutt]

Hi hyperion,



I'd like to join  Roy and welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm glad that you finally decided to join us after spending some time lurking, I think that there are BPD traits with black and white thinking and FOG

boundary I've set is the best long-term policy. I love her so much, but I won't stay in the relationship if she doesn't respect my boundaries, and one of them is not controlling my social media.

Hmm I think that you might have a hard with this if she is BPD because of fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, black and white thinking, do you have a lot of friends that are of the opposite sex, I'm not in any way suggesting that you don't keep those friends, in fact keep all of your friends regardless of what your (ex)pwBPD? feels, you need those r/s's

In my opinion, controlling social media is a low hanging fruit, do you feel like that there are other more pressing issues?

[hyperion]

Thank you for the warm welcome!

She also had a long abusive relationship before she started dating me, Roy. I think that's one of the reasons why she's not comfortable with considering me her boyfriend.

I don't have a lot of friends of the opposite sex. Just a few, and I don't see them very often because they live in another city, but I do have a lot of acquaintances on my Facebook from stays abroad and groups in which I like to interact. I find it really hard to meet suitable people in real life and I like to use Facebook to meet more like-minded peers. She's always accusing me of doing weird stuff on the internet and flirting with other females, which I don't. I really want to text her. It's been a week without contact and I miss her, but I don't want to be controlled. Should I text her? She's been randomly liking my posts and then unliking them, so as to taunt me, I guess.

[hyperion]

Not to mention we've broken up like twice a month for the last five months or so. But then we end up together again, but it had never lasted for a week and I'm scared I might lose her for ever.

[Mutt]

She then split black again and started raging for no apparent reason, so I stopped texting her and let her text me whenever she wanted instead.

I generally stop emailing my exuBPDw when she is emotionally dysregulate, over generalizating, name calling etc... .and I give 24 to 48 hours to return to baseline, that way she's in a different mood and communication is easier.

A week has passed she should be back to baseline, if it were me in your shoes I'd text, but it's your call.

[LoveLostHeart]

Should I text her? She's been randomly liking my posts and then unliking them, so as to taunt me, I guess.

What are you trying to achieve by texting her?

[hyperion]

What are you trying to achieve by texting her?

Nothing in particular, I just miss her. As long as she respects my limits, I want to keep her in my life.

[LoveLostHeart]

Nothing in particular, I just miss her. As long as she respects my limits, I want to keep her in my life.

If you still want to be with her I would say give it a go.

[once removed]

heres some great info on handling a jealous partner: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78324.0

what are you planning to text her?

[hyperion]

heres some great info on handling a jealous partner: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78324.0

what are you planning to text her?

Thank you! I'll check it out.

I just texted her "Hello, [her name]".

I prefer to keep it neutral at first to test whether she's back to baseline or not.

[hyperion]

It seems she's still angry. Yesterday she replied that I couldn't be more disappointing, that she wanted me out of her life. Also she told me not to text her anymore and then blocked me again. I sent her an SMS where I told her the following:

"I want you to know that I love you so much and that I want the best for you. I understand that it makes you angry that I accept other people on my social media, but I want you to know that I don't have any romantic interest in anyone but you. I can't tolerate, however, that you force me to do something I don't want to. I'm so sorry, I also have to look after myself and my freedom, but I won't stop loving you for doing so. By your side I've had some of the best moments of my life and I will always have a good memory from our relationship. Goodbye forever [her name]. Even if we parted, you'll always be my little girl."

Today she unblocked me and told me that she hadn't read my SMS (obviously a lie), and that she told me not to talk to her anymore, that I nauseated her and that she started seeing another guy who is not as horrible as I am (another lie, she makes up this kind of stuff when she feels really vulnerable and wants to protect herself), and then blocked me again. This has happened many times before, she tells me she doesn't want to see me anymore, but eventually comes back after returning to baseline or splitting white.

I think the best thing to do now is give her some space till the storm is over. What do you think?

[BPDBuddy]

Hyperion,

Early portion of th breakup, my ex was extremely averse to contact. As Mutt outlined, moods are constantly changing and will shift day to day. I would shoot for 30 days of NC and let the chips fall where they may. The goal is to force her to think internally.

[once removed]

I think the best thing to do now is give her some space till the storm is over. What do you think?

there arent a lot of better options. often its a good idea to keep a line open and/or test the waters from time to time. in this case shes just pushing back, and hard, so letting her come to you and being polite, open, receptive, and also strong, when she does, is your best bet; she will be in a better place, presumably.

[Tact]

I'd go NC. You said you broke up 2 times a month for 5 months.
I'm assuming she knows she can come back whenever she chooses.pretty sure she doesn't respect your boundaries.

Go 21 day my friend, make her worry for a change. She's playing a game.

[once removed]

NC is really a tool for people exiting a relationship who are raw and wounded from any form of contact. it doesnt lend itself to saving a relationship. giving or taking space can, although we have to be mindful that in the case of someone with BPD traits, absence generally makes the heart grow colder. in this case, so does reaching out, at least right now.

make her worry for a change. She's playing a game.

seeing it this way can turn into us playing a game very quickly, too. we want to be mindful we arent being punitive or passive aggressive in trying to change the other persons attitude. from her perspective shes not playing a game (it might seem that way from ours) but reacting to a limit. chances are she heard "i can do what i want, if you dont like it, i dont want you in my life". shes reacting strongly to that.

"Oh, I see you're now friends with a new chick". I replied that I could do whatever I wanted with my Facebook, and she was a girl from a Facebook group I'm in, that I didn't have any romantic interest in her. But she didn't seem to accept it and started to threaten me that she would meet other guys if I didn't delete her. I refused to do so because I didn't want to be blackmailed, and told her: "If you don't respect my freedom, I don't want you to be part of my life". And then the argument escalated and the threats continued till she told me not to talk to her again and blocked me off WhatsApp and Facebook Messenger.

sometimes we can be too rigid about enforcing our boundaries and JADE in the process. i went through that all the time. from my perspective you didnt need to offer her explanations or tell her "i can do whatever i want". in that situation, you might ask what the problem is, let her blow off her steam, and listen for whats really driving her. then speak to that.

21 days seems like a reasonable amount of time if you want to reach out again. i would keep it short and light if you do. what do you think hyperion?

[hyperion]

She's texted me today, and called me many times. She was actually nice and loving, but insisted that I delete the last girl I added on Facebook. She's insisting so much and I don't really mind deleting her, because she's not that important after all, but I want to make sure she doesn't ask for other things that I won't be able to tolerate.  Should I comply with her demand?

[LoveLostHeart]

She's texted me today, and called me many times. She was actually nice and loving, but insisted that I delete the last girl I added on Facebook. She's insisting so much and I don't really mind deleting her, because she's not that important after all, but I want to make sure she doesn't ask for other things that I won't be able to tolerate.  Should I comply with her demand?

For me this was a delicate matter and one of the figts during the last stages. I did feel really uncomfortable and I did not comply. I felt like she had to learn that not every person I meet is treath. But it completely destroyed her trust in me, so I would suggest you think about this and proceed with caution.

[once removed]

I want to make sure she doesn't ask for other things that I won't be able to tolerate. Should I comply with her demand?

hi hyperion,

this was a big source of conflict in my relationship. ill give you a very similar example.

i had a female internet friend. we spoke only occasionally. never met her, never will. she sent me a message pretty late one night and my ex had a fit. we argued about it for days, where my ex wanted me to give her the boot. i refused on the similar principles youre operating by.

you can say "no" and your girlfriend will likely throw another fit. she may eventually get past it but resentment and distrust will linger.

you can say "yes" and you can rest assured this will come up again. you will likely resent her.

neither are right or wrong. but theyre only a symptom of the problem where the conflict is a bigger picture. you have conflicting values.

so to reiterate, i come from the same place as you. i dont want my partner telling me who i can and cant be friends with on social media. my advice is dont let that be the sole driver in how you respond. you have more options beyond complying or not complying. the best approach to solving this bigger picture of conflict is to try to get on the same page.

this needs to be a larger discussion. you need to get to whats driving her here, what her thoughts, feelings, and beliefs are on this subject. listen with empathy and without judgment. validate. and she also needs to understand where you are coming from on this, what informs your beliefs; do this in a way that doesnt invalidate her, doesnt state that you are right or she is wrong. communication tools like SET and DEARMAN can really help here. reread the workshop on dealing with a jealous partner.

long term, when dealing with a jealous partner, it is best to find the line between living your values/not caving to excessive demands and choosing your battles/deciding if any given battle is the hill you want to die on.

it may be that there are workarounds and compromises. im not recommending this specifically, but for example, i know a couple where the male partner is a really jealous and paranoid guy. the two of them mutually agreed that it would be best for both if they were not social media friends.

if you havent yet, get cracking on the lessons to the right of the board, they will help.