Husband was trying to drive down the wrong side of the road

[Mich74]

Hi
I've been with my husband for 18 years, he has always had anger issues and subjected me to the silent treatment when half the time I dont even know what I have done. He has issues with his family he's always falling out with them and other people. He holds grudges and can't get over things. He has recently been much worse with his temper although he hasn't been physically violent he scares me and our children. He's admitted to suffering from some kind of depression or struggling with stress but won't get help. I lost my mum in march this year, I was very close to her and it's been very hard but I think I've been doing okay however my husband has been quite mean to me a few times since I lost my mum which breaks my heart and makes me miss her all the more. I came across the site tonight after yet being subjected to another road rage ordeal where my husband completely lost it and was trying to drive down the wrong side of the road while me and the kids all cried. I'm scared to leave him as he would definitely make it difficult for me with the kids and they are my world so I have put up with this for years just trying to get through. I hope anyone can offer me any support. He currently ignoring me again now for getting upset because of his road rage I feel so alone.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sad but wiser]

First of all, welcome.

[Mutt]

Hi Mich74, 



I'd like to join sad but wiser and welcome you to bpdfamily, wow what a scary ordeal you and the children had to go through with your H driving on the wrong side of the road. I'm glad that you decided to join us, you're not alone.

BPD is a mental illness that has the most comorbid mental illness out of all of them and experts aren't sure why, 96% of pwBPD ( person with BPD ) have a mood disorder.

I lost my mum in march this year, I was very close to her and it's been very hard but I think I've been doing okay however my husband has been quite mean to me a few times since I lost my mum which breaks my heart and makes me miss her all the more.

I'm sorry to hear about your mum  it helps to talk to others that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. The lessons are on the right side of the board

Does he have a pattern with his sulking? How long does it typically last?

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Mich74,



I'm so sorry that you were put into a situation that was so scary. Did he get mad at another driver or was he angry at you or the children when he started to drive this way?

When your H gets angry, how do you respond to him? What happens with him and with you right before he starts to get really angry?

[Mich74]

Hi Mutt and Tattered Heart,

Thank you so much for your replies I have felt so alone.

Mutt, yes my husband does have a pattern with sulking, he usually only lasts a couple of days, I usually leave him to it these days and don't try to talk to him as ive got so fed up of being the one that has to make amends when half the time I don't know what ive done or when I do know what ive done its usually something I would class as minor and my husband has made a massive deal out of it.

Tattered heart, my husband has a problem with any driver on the road that winds him up, this guy pulled out on him so my husband started blasting the horn and driving right on his boot to make him move over, the guy then played back at him by swerving and breaking so my husband totally lost it by this time I was screaming please stop, please stop we are frightened to which my husband screamed at me to shut it and said I make him worse, I then jumped in the back with the kids they were crying too and he carried on chasing the guy it was awful, he finally gave up when the guy drove away. I'm getting to the point I don't want to go on car journeys with him anymore or him take the kids, he claims I'm overreacting but I know I'm not.

[Tattered Heart]

That's really scary! My H gets roads rage really badly too. And once he gets going there is no stopping him. I'm at the point where when we go places together I drive.

I just wonder if there is some way to help take the emotion out of his roadrage before it gets to such a frantic point. Obviously in this scenario the other driver actually reacted back to him whereas most drivers will ignore roadrage. The other driver's reaction probably sent him over the edge because he challenged your H. All these things are out of your control.

But, I wonder if calmly validating the other driver's bad driving and then calmly sharing your fear might help. So maybe saying something like, "Whoa! That guy is being a jerk. But I'm starting to feel uncomfortable with how close we are to his bumper. Can you help me feel safe by giving him more space please?" Do you think that's something you could do?

I know. It's hard to stay calm. I tend to go the screaming out of fear route in the few times I've been in the car when my H displayed the same type of anger. I know that my response isn't helping and that the above response may help calm the situation a little.

[Fie]

Welcome Mich74

I am so sorry for what you and your kids are going through. Sadly enough I know how it feels.  

When people's life is in danger, there is a very simple yet effective solution : they call the police.
Do you see it as a possibility to, if the road rage happens again, tell your husband : if you don't stop right away, I am calling the police ? (And then acting upon it, that's crucial)

Your life and the lives of your children are in danger when your husband is loosing it like that. His behavior is dangerous and should be stopped. I think you have the power to do that.

You can even report him after the event. I think the police will at least investigate and interrogate him. Chances are big that this sort of BS won't happen again after that.

What do you think ?

[Mich74]

Hi tattered heart and fie

Thanks for the advice.

Tattered heart I think I could give that approach a go, it's worth a go because how I usually react to him hasn't helped. It really is terrible isn't it, I wouldn't mind he's not exactly the best passenger when I drive and I don't get road rage so why he would think i shouldn't be scared when he drives like that I do not get.

Fie I totally agree I should call the police on him for his behaviour but I would definitely be scared of the repercussions that would have when they had gone he would probably be 10 times worse than he already is so I think I would have to use that as a last resort.

Thank you for your support it means a lot.

[Fie]

Fie I totally agree I should call the police on him for his behaviour but I would definitely be scared of the repercussions that would have when they had gone he would probably be 10 times worse than he already is so I think I would have to use that as a last resort.

I read you.

On the other hand, what could be 10 times worse for you then you and your children dying in a car accident ?

[Notwendy]

I agree with calling the police,  but I would also be concerned about him being angry on the road and that escalating into driving more dangerously before they got there.

My thoughts are this: if your child was a teenager and told this story about his/her friend they were dating. "Mom, my boyfriend gets so angry at me he drives dangerously" what would you say?

I would bet you'd say " do not get in the car with him".

I see extreme rage as a temporary biological impairment. I don't think the person can calm down in the moment. A state of rage floods the brain with adrenaline. There is a term "rage a holic"where rage serves the effect of letting off steam so the person can reset things and calm down. They feel better after a rage.  In a way, when this happens in the car, a raging driver is kind of like a drunk driver- temporarily out of control.

I don't know if you are able to take your own car when you go out as a family, but for the sake of your and your children's safety, it is something to consider. He may get angry at the idea, and then you can call the police if he is out of control raging at you, but at least you and your kids aren't on the road with those potential dangers.

[Fie]

I think the idea of Notwendy is valid. Knowing what I know now (but ok,  I am out of the relationship), I would go to the police station now (= after the event) and tell them about this.
You could tell them you'd at least want them to interrogate your husband.

He might get angry at you yes. But isn't he already ?

I know this idea is hard to consider. But I think us nons all too often try to appease things by not acting.

[Panda39]

My first thought was he is not only a danger to you and your kids but everyone else on the road, crossing the street, or riding a bike.  If you don't call the police hopefully someone else on the road will.

I'm a little triggered because I had a road rage incident happen around me on the way to work one morning.  I watched as 2 vehicles weaved in and out of traffic cutting each other off and tailgating each other until one driver lost control and rolled off the side of the highway and down a hill.  The other driver drove away.  He was thankfully caught because other drivers on the road at the time had already called his license plate into the police, both drivers were dangerous and at fault.

None of you should be in the car with your husband. You drive yourself and the kids let him drive himself. Dangerous behavior should have a boundary, he can't seem to control his impulsive driving and you can't control it for him, but you can control whether or not you and the kids get in the car with him.

Panda39

[Fie]

One of the things that I remember from my dysfunctional relationships, is that unfortunately one gets used to abnormal behavior.

It starts with little red flags, very small. And slowly, slowly, it builds up. Sometimes we question ourselfves ('Am I the crazy one ?' - 'I am exaggerating' and we make excuses for our partner ('it's not *that* bad' - 'it could be worse' - 'at least he doesn't do  ... anymore' - 'everyone has strange things about him/her, he's no exception'.

Without even realizing we find ourselves in a situation where our whole reality is distorted. We are accepting behavior that we normally would never except from somebody else.

Sometimes we are even accepting situations where our lives are literally in danger. Even the lives of our own children. And still we find excuses to not ask for the help of a third party.

I am not judging you. Unfortunately I have found myself in the same situation in the past. I understand.

Not informing the police upon life threatening situations should be an alarm bell going off for ourselves. We should ask ourselves : how did I end up in a situation where I do not stick up for my life / for the lives of my children ? What is it that I am so afraid of, that even a situation of life and death is not worth asking for outside help ?

I remember that I (don't ask me how !) somehow minimized similar car incidents with an ex. I never even thought about informing police. Now I know I should have. I had myself and my daughter in the car. We could have been killed. He could have killed other people on the road. And I don't think I would have been able to live with the guilt of not having done anything about it.

Again, I do understand.  

I do not want to perse persuade you to press charges against him. But I do want you to know that there are other viewpoints here, from people who understand and who (maybe) might have a more outside view now because they got out.