Married 23 years and think I just figured it out

[virtualfriday]

Hello,
    Currently seeing a sex therapist with my wife after 23 years of marriage. About 4-5 months ago I felt something change in our relationship and I felt very uncomfortable. It seemed like the issue centered around intimacy so I choose a sex therapist instead of a marriage therapist. Now after about 8 appointments I think I can see where this going... .
First the therapist noticed my wife has no sense of self
Next very low self esteem
And then therapist completely destroyed her by accurately pointing out one of her tiniest faults
And the list goes on matching up to many of the symptoms of BPD (but not all?)

At our last appointment she told my wife the next time she needed to see my wife by herself to discuss some things. As soon as the therapist left the room, my wife quickly started working on dumping all the guilt on me... .she slapped my knee and sarcastically said "see I told you I am screwed up, now she is going to try and fix me"

Its hitting me like a ton of bricks now that I see what has been going on. Whats come between us our intimacy problems, are entirely her fault. Some how over 20 years she convinced me that it was all in my head and my problem. Instead of working/solving her issues she beat me down and hung it all around my neck.

The last few days are arguments have gotten ridiculous. She never believes me when I give her an answer to any question, I asked her why don't you believe or trust my answers? Her answer/explanation was because I am too honest with her and I hurt her feelings. I tried reasoning with her to no avail, I even asked her to right her explanation down on paper and see if it still makes sense.

not quite sure how i feel

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[WildernessMan]

I've been with my BPD wife 23 years as well. Married for 21 of those.

You're a VERY lucky guy! Our sex life ended after about 6 years together and never started up again. I've suffered with that for many years now and it hurts deeply. She's slept on the couch for years too.

She was in a horrible family growing up. Abusing father who molested the oldest sister at least. Maybe her mother was BPD who knows. 

So was your wife abused as a child?

[virtualfriday]

Humm... .haven't thought of myself as lucky today, but I will take it, thanks!
If intimacy would have shut down completely I would have left, I think she knew that. Her way with dealing with it was simply not being a part of it and barely there 99% of the time. If I could get her to talk about it she would say "that's not who I am, its your fault... .you will never be happy with me unless I am a horny monster and that's not me"

I believed it all, I felt ashamed, and I completely blamed myself for 20 years. About 4 months ago during a fight about intimacy she said "sometimes I am better at pretending" when I asked her why it had it been many months since it felt like she had any type of desire for me... .so alarm bells finally start going off in my head... .So I have been waiting patiently, lovingly for months for her to "pretend" like she enjoys intimacy with me? That is just not right and at that point I finally got the courage to make an appointment to a sex therapist. She stops talking to me a day before each session, her blood boils in the parking lot before we go in, but she is there and seems to be trying. Not sure what will happen if the therapist tells her she has BPD

I asked early on in our relationship about abuse, she has always said no and has answered the same when the therapist asks her.

[virtualfriday]

I am fairly certain her BPD is genetic, I see signs in her 70 year old mother and believe it quite possible her grandmother had it based on the interactions and stories I have heard about her.

[virtualfriday]

Sometimes I feel like I am arguing with a 3 year old.
She has been saying increasing hurtful things to me, so I started making a list word for word. At one point I made the mistake of telling her what I was writing it down... .she said she was making a list of hurtful things I said than too, I said please tell me anything I have said to hurtful to you... .after more talking her response was simply "your making a list, and that's hurtful to me"

Its like 2+2=3

[WildernessMan]

I think you're correct assuming BPD is genetic, according to what I've read here and on other sites.

My 21 yr old daughter was diagnosed with sever BPD about 3 years ago. Her mom has the same BPD symptoms but probably worse. Her mom is undiagnosed. My wife's parents had serious issues as well.

Also my mother most likely has BPD. My brother was diagnosed with BPD by the US Navy in the middle 1980's.

I dont think I have BPD but got other stuff going on. Some narcissistic traits I think. I was also picked on a lot as a kid, which had a deep impact on me.  

My mom's side of the family has Schizophrenia really bad and my brother (mentioned above) has traits of Schizophrenia, although medication solves it.  

So yes, genetics sounds right to me.

[virtualfriday]

My wife is completely terrified at the thought that she will be diagnosed with anything less than perfect mental health.

I feel like her BPD has been pretty well managed by her and myself as long as we don't have to deal with any conflicts between us. Sex Therapy for the last few months seems to have caused a large trigger for her (all my fault of coarse) Hard for her to keep her head buried in the sand when she has to deal with it head on every week or so.

[WildernessMan]

Same with my wife. Terrified to see someone about her anxiety, anger. Wish I had the magic answer. I'd be rich. And happily married to boot.

Keep biting your tongue. You'll survive too.

I can see the light at the end of a 23 year long tunnel and it's looking pretty bright.

There will be a big part of me that misses her dearly though. We had some wonderful times together.

[virtualfriday]

When did you first notice BPD in your child? I have a 14 year old daughter that has always been emotionally up and down at the drop of a hat, ever since I can remember. What scares me is how she treats people when they are trying to help her out, say with a home work project or bringing something to school that she forgot. It feels like getting punched in the face by a person you are trying to save from drowning... .I hope its just typical teenager BS she grows out of but knowing what I know now I am definitely worried.

[WildernessMan]

VirtualFriday - Good question, because teenagers are difficult to figure out. Some of their behaviors can be something like BPD, but other behaviors can just be them acting like a teenager.

In the case of our daughter, whom is now 21 years old, she started having issues at the beginning of high school. Mainly it was just her not getting along with people in school. She would come home telling us how she clashed with someone at school that day and how the situation turned into a huge mess of conflict. What tipped us off that something wasn't right was that her explination of the situation almost never made sense.  

An example of the above might go like this: She would tell us that she borrowed someone's jacket because she was cold at school. She would further explain to us that she accidently lost the jacket and the person whom loaned it to her got so mad he/she wanted to punch her lights out and threatened her life if she didn't locate the jacket.

Her mom and I would find out later however, through the grapevine, that our daughter actually stole the jacket off the person's desk and then lost it or got rid of it. The person whom owned the jacket found out who stole their jacket and came to get it back. It would blow up and our daughter would come home and lie to us about how it went down; She would do this in case we heard about the situation and asked her about it. She would basically try and get ahead of the story with us, using a false story. This example is made up for this post, but very similar to situations we saw with her all the time.

She also got into smoking pot daily and taking heavy drugs. Needless to say, her behavior got worse with time, to the point she had fallen appart and we could hardly help her.

Her mom had already set up college for her, so we insisted she go. She didn't want to but we forced it. Big mistake, knowing what we know now. Someone with severe BPD won't make it in college without heavy duty treatment, as her therapist would tell us later. That was our experience anyway.

Her behavior like this reached an awful peak during her short 3 months in college. She would post pot smoking pictures on Instagram and rarely go to class eventually. She got on Aderol heavily at one point and became paranoid and thought a group of students were trying to actually kill her. I called campus police more than once thinking this was really happening, and they went and checked on her for me. I think there were in fact some students mad at her, but I doubt they were actually trying to kill her.

Just in 3 months of college she got in such bad shape that the counceling department got involved. They rounded her up one day, sat her down in a chair in their office and insisted we come right then and remove her from the campus, never to return. You can imagine it was a bad situation to say the least. I was out of town and my wife couldnt get away from work, so we had to send a friend of hers to remove her from the school. We never looked back at the college. neither did our daughter.

Her story goes on another 3 years of up & down and awful troubles, many lost jobs, selling drugs out of her apartment, being kicked out by her boyfriend/husband, living with various people to have somewhere to stay, etc. We got almost weekly calls from her in tears. My wife mostly handled those calls.

A year ago her mother and I sat down and discussed her state of mind and condition. She had become an alcoholic, drinking 12 to 16 shots of Jack Daniels daily. She lived 6 hours away from us. Anyway, we accepted that she would probably be dead within a year. We hated it but couldn't stop her spiral downward.

She ended up coming to visit with us for 50 days. I was tasked with sobering her up, which I did over a 2 week time. My wife washed her hands of the alcohol situation since her dad had been an alcoholic and she didnt want to deal with it. I didnt mind taking it on. I was proud when I finally got her weened off the booze. After 50 days with us she went back to the place 6 hours away. She refused to stay with us, no matter what. Her two siblings pleaded for her to stay, in tears, but she left anyway. Once she was gone she continued her spiral downward.      

She's back living with us again, causing trouble for me. Making the situation worse between my wife and I. I suspect she might be doing drugs of some type again but I dont know for sure. I'm mainly basing that assumption on her history with instability and BPD related behaviors.  

For those of you concerned about your son/daughter possibly having BPD, the best way to handle it, I think, is to learn the symptoms of BPD in young people and get him/her quickly into treatment. If you let it go, due to not recognizing it, their behavior will get even worse.

Now imagine this: I live with 2 individuals suffering from serious BPD. Not fun for anyone.

What makes it so bad is that out 2 normal children (17 and 14) are totally involved in the situation and awfully confused. They've been seriously impacted but I can't do anything about it. My attorney says our hands are tied because it would cost me a fortune to get the courts to become involved to help them.   

[virtualfriday]

WildernessMan,
I read some of your other post on this board and hope you quickly find the happiness you deserve.
Thanks for sharing your story and talking

[Tired_Dad]

Its like 2+2=3

I have been trying to wrap my head around my spouse's thinking for years and I feel that It's more like 2+2=Giraffe.

We're all trying to do math where everything adds up and meshes logically and they are doing something else entirely in their head. The reality that they see is so bleak with mild patches of bright that it is so hard to even comprehend that they can feel that bad or see things in that way.