I'm frustrated. Things I would like to see happen to make things better

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Many things, which I don’t believe are attainable for me:
First and foremost I want him in treatment, I actually believe that all of our family needs to go INV for treatment. Years of abuse on his part has left me codependent with Stockholm syndrome, my kids are growing up in non stop drama. Thank G-d for my parents buffing effect on them.
Secondly, I want for him to be held accountable with no doable standards. I was never allowed by him to go anywhere alone, such as alone trip or girls escape. He never actually said those words out, but told me to “make money for my trip” all the while knowing I’m in school. I once slept over at my moms after a big fight, when I came back he told me that if he ever comes back to an empty bed, he will leave and never come back. Indirectly, in many ways he showed me that I’m not allowed to spend time away from him, yet he goes at his choosing. All the while knowing that I’ve been a part of his business, helped him develop it, and now I deserve to see it grow. Credit where it’s due. If I’m not allowed to be without him, neither should he.
Fourthly, I want him to stop playing video games on his phone, at home he is on it 90% of the time, every time he looses, which is every other time, he spits profanities and tells me that he is sleeping alone, “don’t you ___ing talk to me” and etc. He is more ill then I probably realize, what is it with these games and his addictive personality. Games have to go, substituted by more family oriented activities, like at least talking to his family. Me and the kids specifically
Fifth, I want for him to stop pushing me away and telling me that if I don’t like something I can go “f” myself, that the only change coming is us separating. I want to be “seen” really seen, for the person that I am, compassionate, kind, patient, loyal, witty, intelligent, young, sexy. I want to know that our relationships matter, that I’m not an empty shell or a warm body, that he can replace at any given point
Sixth, I want him to consult with me prior to making important decisions, not state them matter of fact. I want control over my life and the life of my children.
Seventh, I want to have sex when I want it too, not when he allows it. We only had sexual by my initiation maybe 20 times in 16 years, the rest of the times is only when he feels like it. Just two bodies intertwined, there is no real intimacy, taking about loving me, or that I look nice or anything. That he wants to be with me, only lets “f” get straight to the business, and if I say Let’s tak he turns around and say “ok, no then” and withholds sex for many days even weeks at a time
Eighth, I want to do family things with him, like taking kids to the museum, park, anywhere to enjoy their company. Not have him moan about being tired and not doing things for himself
Ninth I want to have access to family money, without having to save the breadcrumbs that are left after bill payments. He has the money, he says it himself, yet he chooses to save it for his dream million dollar mansion ( which he bye can’t afford to pay for, I’m cleaning our 3500 alone and no outside help other then my parents)
Tenth, I want to be able to be sick, without hearing if I have a head ache “easier on your ass” (lost in translation from another language)

Skip, I just so badly wanted to be something more then a mix of a disposable broom and a sex doll. I want to stop hurting and start healing

[snowglobe]

Many things, which I don’t believe are attainable for me:
First and foremost I want him in treatment, I actually believe that all of our family needs to go INV for treatment. Years of abuse on his part has left me codependent with Stockholm syndrome, my kids are growing up in non stop drama. Thank G-d for my parents buffing effect on them.
Secondly, I want for him to be held accountable with no doable standards. I was never allowed by him to go anywhere alone, such as alone trip or girls escape. He never actually said those words out, but told me to “make money for my trip” all the while knowing I’m in school. I once slept over at my moms after a big fight, when I came back he told me that if he ever comes back to an empty bed, he will leave and never come back. Indirectly, in many ways he showed me that I’m not allowed to spend time away from him, yet he goes at his choosing. All the while knowing that I’ve been a part of his business, helped him develop it, and now I deserve to see it grow. Credit where it’s due. If I’m not allowed to be without him, neither should he.
Fourthly, I want him to stop playing video games on his phone, at home he is on it 90% of the time, every time he looses, which is every other time, he spits profanities and tells me that he is sleeping alone, “don’t you ___ing talk to me” and etc. He is more ill then I probably realize, what is it with these games and his addictive personality. Games have to go, substituted by more family oriented activities, like at least talking to his family. Me and the kids specifically
Fifth, I want for him to stop pushing me away and telling me that if I don’t like something I can go “f” myself, that the only change coming is us separating. I want to be “seen” really seen, for the person that I am, compassionate, kind, patient, loyal, witty, intelligent, young, sexy. I want to know that our relationships matter, that I’m not an empty shell or a warm body, that he can replace at any given point
Sixth, I want him to consult with me prior to making important decisions, not state them matter of fact. I want control over my life and the life of my children.
Seventh, I want to have sex when I want it too, not when he allows it. We only had sexual by my initiation maybe 20 times in 16 years, the rest of the times is only when he feels like it. Just two bodies intertwined, there is no real intimacy, taking about loving me, or that I look nice or anything. That he wants to be with me, only lets “f” get straight to the business, and if I say Let’s tak he turns around and say “ok, no then” and withholds sex for many days even weeks at a time
Eighth, I want to do family things with him, like taking kids to the museum, park, anywhere to enjoy their company. Not have him moan about being tired and not doing things for himself
Ninth I want to have access to family money, without having to save the breadcrumbs that are left after bill payments. He has the money, he says it himself, yet he chooses to save it for his dream million dollar mansion ( which he bye can’t afford to pay for, I’m cleaning our 3500 alone and no outside help other then my parents)
Tenth, I want to be able to be sick, without hearing if I have a head ache “easier on your ass” (lost in translation from another language)

Skip, I just so badly wanted to be something more then a mix of a disposable broom and a sex doll. I want to stop hurting and start healing

[Skip]

Question: You seem very frustrated. What would you like to see happen to make things better?

Answer:

1. I want him in treatment.
2. I want for him to be held accountable with no doable standards
3. I want him to stop playing video games on his phone
4.  I want for him to stop pushing me away and saying go “f” myself, that the only change coming is us separating.
5. I want him to consult with me prior to making important decisions, not state them matter of fact.
6. I want to have sex when I want it too, not when he allows it.
7. I want to do family things with him, like taking kids to the museum, park... .
8. I want to have access to family money, without having to save the breadcrumbs that are left after bill payments.
9.  I want to be able to be sick
10. I just so badly wanted to be something more then a mix of a disposable broom and a sex doll. I want to stop hurting and start healing. His part has left me codependent with Stockholm syndrome.

... .which I don’t believe are attainable for me.

This is a good point for starting a discussion with members. I'm lookinng forward to see the comments.  

[Silveron]

If I can chime in here.  It sounds like my marriage to some degree.  Married to my BPDW for 13 years and have a 9 yr old daughter.  What I learned is that there is no cure.  You might be able to settle a bad situation that is going on at that moment but you will never feel comfortable being around that person.  They can be triggered for no particular reason, however we are the punching bags because they know we are the ones that forgive the easiest.  Emotionally they have the IQ of a teenager.  They look at things black and white.

For example Snowglobe, say you and I were married.  We get into an argument about something, even though we are disagreeing we still know we both love each other and the goal is to come to a compromise and an agreement.  With a BPD like your H (and my W), we are painted black.  If they say that they don't love you or hate you, believe them!  However, this feeling of hate is only there while you are painted black.  They won't accept responsibility for any of their actions, their 'sorrys' are usually right before a 'but' or something of the nature that you/I should be blamed for their behavior.

They have no grey when it comes to this, black and white.  This is their norm.  Realize that a lot of psychologists that treat BPDs actually have to go to counseling themselves to clear their heads.  This is only from counseling a BPD for few hours a week, so with living with one it's easy to feel like you are going crazy.

You will hear the word boundaries on here a lot, common-sense boundaries have to be made to him.  If you do this, i'm doing this (ie. leaving, moving out, etc... ) as another poster told me on here, the boundaries are for YOUR protection, not to try to cure them or get them to act a correct way.  That won't happen.  BPD is incurable.  

If you continue to stay married you will noticed him starting to do the same thing to your child.  My daughter has major anxiety now, my wife (her mom) is hot/cold, black/white to my daughter now.  It's heartbreaking, I realize I am the stability my daughter needs.  However every single time a situation comes up, my daughter loses a part of her childhood.

If he is anything like my wife, you will start to notice him trying to use your child against you.  I urge you to have a private talk with your child when they can understand about people being sick.  I told my daughter that some people get sick in their stomach, get a cold, have pain in their body... Some people get sick in their head and do not say or act the correct way.  I told her when mom is like this to stop talking to her and come and talk with me.  She's being very vigilant about it and has actually have told me to disengage when my wife tries to lure me in.  However my daughter shouldn't be in this position, she's only 9 years old!  Whatever ever you do, when your H starts this way on your child, don't ever comfort your child by telling them ':)ad loves you'.  Doing that, they will associate this abuse as love.  I would suggest saying, ':)ad is having a very bad moment and it's not your fault that he is treating us this way'.

Please, I urge you to find a counselor that deals with BPD and go by yourself.  Protect yourself.  BPD can be VERY dangerous.  Seems like you have become co-dependent on him, and a lot of non BPD do this.  It's the BPD's tactics and they want you to be this way.  Honestly I don't know if they truly know the meaning and feeling of love.

[snowglobe]

  Silveron, thank you for your input. I’m very saddened and embarrassed by my reaction. I’m becoming more aware of the transference of some of his coping skills on to me. While leaving him isn’t an option I’m ready to explore, perhaps detaching is a healthier alternative to loosing my psychological health. Yesterday when I was pleading, begging and reasoning with him on the phone, he was laughing audibly?.  Perhaps there is something in our dynamics that causes him to inflict the pain and enjoy me squirm, and me taking it and hating him for that.

[snowglobe]

Additionally, I need an advice on how to behave when my uBPDh comes back from the business trip. I’m still very raw and vulnerable, afraid of loosing it again should he start acting like his usual self by ignoring me or worse, formatting by the stories. I’m inclined to avoid him and silent treat him, as he does when he is disregulated, but I also know it’s not a solution. Can’t force myself to be cheerleader after this, although calling 28 times to yell at him isn’t a sign of normal emotional processing. He, btw only answered 3 times. How can I stop it from making things worse. The board is calling for being neutral and supportive. Supportive of what? Validating if what? I despise his behaviour and the way he treats me.

[Skip]

The board is calling for being neutral and supportive. Supportive of what? Validating if what? I despise his behaviour and the way he treats me.

These were recommendations to keep emotions tamped down because you were concerned about physical violence.

Neutral and supportive was suggested in place of soothing his wounds or being antagonistic.

These are just recommendations.

If you despise him. If you feel calling him 28 times is what you must do. If your natural feeling is to give him the silent treatment when he returns, don't stop for anyone here.    None of us are living what you are living.

The recommendations are for when (and if) you reach a point of wanting to problem solve. You are not there.

You are both in more of a resentment mode. The two of you are deep in a cycle of conflict.

Have you read this article?
https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

Stage Four Rather than face the pain and overwhelm they expect to experience, partners who have reached this third 'defensive' stage, may progress to the forth and final stage of breakdown, characterized by a breakdown of basic trust between the partners, and increasing disengagement in the name of self-protection. Like a steam-valve in a pressure cooker, the partners start avoiding one another so as to minimize their conflicts. Gottman calls this final stage, "Stonewalling", perhaps after the image of a partner hiding behind a stone wall designed to protect him or her from further assault. Unfortunately, there is no way to love your partner when you are hiding behind a wall to protect yourself from him or her.

The "four horsemen" breakdown sequence plays out amongst the backdrop of partner compatibility. Basically compatible partners may demonstrate a whole lot of conflict, but they don't often become contemptuous and angry with their partners, because there are by definition few things that they will disagree upon. In contrast, partners who start out with incompatible goals, values or dreams are far more likely to get into seemingly irresolvable conflicts. Also, once the process of contempt, defensiveness and avoidance begins, small incompatibilities can become magnified as spouses pursue other interests as an alternative to conflict.

Have you contemplated how it would be if he, unexpectedly, walks out and leaves you on Friday? Have you thought about doing the same yourself - just walking away one day in October?

The reason I say this is because you are in the fourth stage of breakdown and these are common things that happen in this stage.

I know you are not ready to, as you say, "validate what". That makes sense.

Are you ready for the flip-side? The walkout?

If you are not ready for either, you probably need to work with members here on how to  pace things.

[snowglobe]

  Skip,

thank you for slapping me back into reality.

I’m not ready to walk, in fact the very idea of him walking out is creating this magnitude of emotional earthquake in me. I’m hurting. I want to hurt him too. I want him to understand and apologize for the agony he has caused. I also know it won’t happen. I’m scared... .and that is the truth. I don’t want to loose him, on the flip side he is the constant male figure that I’ve had. I don’t know what to do, please help me pace the things out.  

As I understand things are pretty bad right now and will require lots of effort on my part at least. How can I make things better? I don’t know what to say to him or how to act without giving him the power to continue treating me like that

[Skip]

How can I make things better? I don’t know what to say to him or how to act without giving him the power to continue treating me like that

The best thing is to anticipate transactions, tell members here what you are thinking about doing, and get their feedback to help you.

"How can I make things better? " is too big of a question... .you need to read a few article here and find tools that you feel might work. Members will help you tweak and adjust your approach.

[snowglobe]

I reread the article. It’s very accurate, we do share different values in a lot of things, he has compromised and so did I. I also don’t know what the next step should be in finding out when he is coming back home. Did he have a meeting? Did they agree to a deal? I’m in the dark... .I also know that without fixing our marital problems I can’t gain any insight into his business ventures. Is sending him a text a good idea?

I wrote a draft, let me know what everyone thinks:

“I shouldn’t not have called you 28 times to yell at you. I was hurting and I wanted you to see just how badly I missed you. I also wanted you to fix it. I realize now that is unreasonable expectation. My reaction was to avoid you, as I can’t process any pain or emotional disregulation. But I know that I can’t love you behind the stone wall. You did both of us a favour of not reacting, thank you. I’m not sure what else to add, other then the things I told you came out of a deep fear of loosing you. I want to work towards rebuilding our relationships so both of us could function in it. I want you to come home ”

do I sound pathetic? Too much?

[AskingWhy]

Snowglobe, I would like to address the issues of the profanity-laced rages and withholding of affection that you see in the sleeping away from you and sex only on his terms.

You already have a great handle on the dynamics of BPD.

These rages and withholding of affection can also be indicators of NPD as well as BPD.  The withholding of money and intolerance of you being sick seem to also indicate NPD.  A person can be both NPD and BPD.  NPDs cannot tolerate anyone being needy or sick because that means they must care for that person, and it's no longer all about them.  NPDs also have a cruel streak in them, and many like to control money and make others in the family suffer from their cruelty.

They all fall under the FOG category.  The rages and withholding are an attempt to make you fear loss of your husband's approval or love.  This is abusive.

I would also recommend non-confrontational responses when he is raging. Please read the response and  links given by Skip.

It is never easy to live with an abusive BPD spouse, and I hope you can find help in these forums.

[snowglobe]

While I read the link posted by Skip earlier, I also read my own texts. Although I can’t be objective, since they are my own, I still recognize the victimization laced in them. He has been screaming on top of his lungs that’s we are different, he is right. Fundamentally and utterly, yet somehow we managed to stay together for 16 years. What gives? Was it me constantly tolerating or him compromising?. I called him and basically told him the same thing I wrote in a draft. He sounded surprised yet very calm. Said he will call me back. What now?

[Skip]

What now?

Don't react. Listen.

Listen. Don't make any points, don't conclude or paraphrase - just listen to what he has to say and say that you want to time think about it.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

Then share it with the members and work out what to do next.

Stay calm. Don't react.

[snowglobe]

Don't react. Listen.

Listen. Don't make any points, don't conclude or paraphrase - just listen to what he has to say and say that you want to time think about it.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

Then share it with the members and work out what to do next.

Stay calm. Don't react.

He texted me an hour ago “coming back”, what do I reply and how do I behave when he comes home? I usually throw myself at him when we are good, showering with hugs and kisses, telling him how happy I am that he is home and asking about his day. Sometimes he returns my enthusiasm, sometime he buffs me away, I’m ok either way. Today, I’m not sure how to approach. He already accepted my apologies, but am I split for him, that’s the question? Skip, how do I stop the bleeding? I need to rebuild our relationships, for without a sold foundation I can’t create boundaries for his behaviour.

[Radcliff]

He texted me an hour ago “coming back”, what do I reply and how do I behave when he comes home? I usually throw myself at him when we are good, showering with hugs and kisses, telling him how happy I am that he is home and asking about his day. Sometimes he returns my enthusiasm, sometime he buffs me away, I’m ok either way. Today, I’m not sure how to approach. He already accepted my apologies, but am I split for him, that’s the question? Skip, how do I stop the bleeding?

Hmm... .I'm not an expert here, but how about a few hugs and kisses when he arrives, I think anyone likes that, then see how he reacts.  If he does not return the emotion, then cool off a bit -- not cold, still warm, but not chasing him.  See what he wants -- does he want company, does he want to rest alone after the trip.

I need to rebuild our relationships, for without a sold foundation I can’t create boundaries for his behaviour.

Take a look at this link:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries
and let us know what you think.  Boundaries are not for his behavior.  They define the actions that *you* may take in response to his behavior.  You can control yourself, but not him.  In a way that's bad news, since I know there are so many things you want him to start or stop doing.  But the good news is that *you* control *yourself* so you can be more successful.

You've said that your husband is a father figure to you.  Yet your father lives in your home.  What is your father's relationship like with your mother?  Is he kind to her?  What is your relationship like with your father?  Is there an opportunity to strengthen your relationship with him, or is he part of a history that has trained you for this?

I agree with Skip, that unless you make a decision to change your behavior, you are going to keep repeating the patterns.

Wentworth