how to turn this around and make fun?

[soundofmusicgirl]

There have been some great examples on this board on how you can turn the never ending crazy things that BPDx shares with the kids (parental alienation) around.

So I am looking for ideas from the group on how to turn this one around (@david... i am looking at you... .)

I recently called my stepsons cutie petooties over skype to express how much we love them. Granted they are 11 yrs old now and probably a little too old for such a term of endearment.
The very next call one of the kids tells me that cutie petootie is a mean word and means animal butt. I tell them that cutie petootie means how much i love them and that they are so cute and lovable to me.
They have not spoken to me since. Today the very first thing they tell me again is that i called them an animal butt. When I asked them where they learned that, of course they say mom.

It is taking all my power right now not to send BPDxw a little email with a google link to the dictionary. So if anyone has any ideas on how to turn this around I would love to hear it.

[hope2727]

Perhaps you can explain that some expressions mean different things to different people. My mom is 86 and calls me a cutie patotie. She also calls me petite chou. Her first language is French and directly translated that means little cabbage. It is a term if endearment more loosely translated as little darling or sweetheart. I would ask them what a term of endearment is that they know and call them that. I would also explain that it means something very different to you but if it offends them you of course will respect their feelings and not call them that again. I have become acutely aware of how much children are told what to do, think, feel and not allowed to express control over their choices. This is one small area that you can openly discuss and respect their feelings (however misguided) and allow them choice and control.

Remember that kids are actually wicked smart and will hear the term elsewhere or ask someone else (teacher or friend) and learn the truth of the situation. Then they will not be mad at you. They will be so disappointed, mad etc with their mom. Let it be. You will then have an opening to discuss how she may feel and how that makes her act. (i.e. building empathy for her) and then how the experience made you feel (building empathy for you).

Take this as a teaching opportunity and relationship building opportunity. Hugs

[livednlearned]

Your secret weapon is that you can validate how they feel.

Most people with BPD cannot do that -- it requires being able to see the other person as someone separate from them.

"You must've felt so hurt to think I would call you a name like that! I'm glad you told me, and now that I know that name hurt you, I won't use it."

And then to lighten things up, maybe ask them if there is a term of endearment that's ok to use. Can't use honey because that might mean bee poo   or sweetie, because that means cavity maker.  

Maybe you can find a list of terms of endearment and get them to think of ways those words could be turned into potty language.

[soundofmusicgirl]

Thanks. Those are some great ideas! I will definitely think about something funny... .

[david]

I googled cutie patootie and it does not mean animal butt. You were using the word correctly.
Perhaps their dna mom misunderstands the meaning of the word 

[hope2727]

Technically honey is bee barf 

My niece used to call me a newt-newt stink pot. It started as a frustrated little kid's made up swear and transformed into a term of endearment, My step son is known as monkey butt. Each family has their own expressions. I look forward to hearing what ones your kids come up with.

[david]

You could talk to him and "apologise" for calling him cutie patootie because you thought about it and realised he is growing up to be a young man and that name probably was better when he was a little kid. You can always add that no matter how old he and you get, he will always be your cutie patootie because that reminds you of the good times you had in the past when he was your cutie patootie.
Our youngest was called monkey butt too. He objected at some point and it morphed into monks from the show monk because he liked that show.

[soundofmusicgirl]

Thanks everyone. I took your advice and it went over well for the most part. I explained what the word meant to me and showed them the google search I did and then went on to say that I understand if they do not like to be called that word. I explained I was trying to express how much I love them just like I call their father "love" instead of his name. So I asked them what words they knew and after much prompting they said they had heard about munchkins (it is also the name of a game we played with them before), but not much more.

After going through some suggestions we settled on snuggle bugs as they love bugs.
stepson2 however just shrugged it off with the words: you have a fake dictionary. And then left the room. He however is the one that is usually more open to me then stepson1. Stepson1 is moms confidant and partner. I know it is difficult for them as their mom works overtime right now to get them to believe all kinds of crap. That usually all settles down once they get to spend some time with us.

[david]

When ex and I first separated (ex ran away with our boys) she used serious alienation tactics against me. I had a T that helped me through this time. I decided that they needed to trust me above all else. Transition time was a disaster and it took them close to 45 minutes to settle to what I considered normal. It took around two years for that to subside. I think part was they were getting older and part was they were comparing both households. They could come to me and talk about something at their moms. I would listen and validate. I, sometimes, asked if they wanted me to talk to their mom. They were emphatic with their no. They basically learned to close down when with their mom for fear of retribution for saying/doing something "wrong". I learned to listen and validate and that, I believe, was all they needed.

[soundofmusicgirl]

@david... .I agree that trust is most important. And it is that trust that BPDxw is constantly trying to destroy by feeding the kids all kinds of crap. This summer she gave them a phone for their visit with us (i think i posted the whole debacle on here). Her message to the kids was: DO NOT GIVE DAD or stepmom the passcode to the phone under ANY circumstances.

She also told them to constantly keep it with them in case of emergency. My DH tried to explain to the kids that mom is in the US and that they (kids) are with us (overseas). So if there was a true emergency, how could mom help from so far away?
And how could Dad help who is right here with you?

It is really really difficult to constantly fight against her efforts to undermine any positive relationship the kids have with my DH (or me). We only see the kids during their school breaks, so when we do see them it takes 1-2 days for them to realise that neither Dad nor I are the enemy and that they can trust us.

[david]

Limited time with the kids would have been an issue for me too. I was EOW in the beginning and that was the most difficult time. Fortunately I was able to get an overnight during the week. Eventually I was able to get 50/50. That process took around three plus years.
My ex gave our oldest a cellphone and she was tracking our moves with it when they were with me. That actually ticked our son off and he started turning the phone off. She then turned the phone off to punish him. However, she was still paying for the phone for several years and she had no idea. It was around 4 years before she found out and she went ballistic on the carrier. They said they were sorry but didn't do much else, at least according to our son. When he graduated high school he asked to move in with me full time.
Our youngest, 14, is on his own now but has seen his mom for who/what she is. He cooks for himself at her place most of the time and comes home, from school, to an empty house. When she is at her residence she is usually sleeping or complaining of some ailment. It sounds like depression to me. I was concerned but he started doing his homework without my constant badgering even at his moms. That is a positive and I am working with that when the opportunity presents itself. He is into electronics so I bought him a bunch of stuff he took to his moms. He makes different types of circuits and solders it all by himself when he is there. He even built an oscilloscope. He understands that is happening because he is doing his homework. He does it at my place too but not as much. He has other things he does here instead.
My ex used to feed all kinds of crap to them and still does but they have figured out that it is crap.
I think, as the kids get older, they may see things clearer.