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Author Topic: Hi..I'm really scared  (Read 901 times)
JohnnyShoes
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« on: October 22, 2017, 10:27:06 AM »

There's so much to say, just wondering How to convey what I'm feeling right now seems
Like an Impossibility.
I will just write like I'm recapping
I'm 55 male
I'm back home with BPDmother after living away for many years.
Been back a month now and I'm already distraught.
I'm currently getting the silent treatment because I guess I'm mean.
 lost my rental property and then when I found another place (difficult with a dog) the very next day, I lost my job.
Unemployment will run out in a couple if weeks.

I have no friends, just my dog.
I feel ashamed because of how insecure and paralyzed I feel. I'm REALLY feeling shameful.

Being back was the worse thing to do... I'm in tears that I'm back here.
I don't have much money, most of my time (with my dog) has been spent OUT of the house and just either walking the dog or parked in a parking lot reading.

I'm contemplating getting all packed up and driving back down to Florida with my dog...
But I have no place to live...
I did this once before and lived in the car until I found work - it was the most difficult thing I went through and I FEARFUL to do that again ( not because of danger, but because it was such an emotional / psychological draining experience...

The good thing about it would be that I would be away from this emotional abuse which right now is KILLING what self I have left.

I would do better without my dog, but he's my life, I've had him for 11 years...
I tried giving him away once when we lived in the car and it Killed my soul, I ran back the next day and pleaded for my dog back - which he did (he fully understood)

I feel like I'm at the end of my rope here...
I'm scared of death... scared of dying of starvation or something... but even Worse... Fearing someone will take my dog away, or I'll have to let him go.

I feel like I'm no longer living anymore.
Feel like I'm existing and wondering why I am the way that I am, while others have a life I only dream of.

I want to say more - to give more examples and tell of abusive events in my life, but don't have the strength right now - perhaps another time.

I need some ENCOURAGMENT !
and I need some good advice that will help me find a place to live for me and my dog... .so I can find a job.

I don't want riches - I don't want a house
.
I just want to be on my own, work and live a very simple life.

Thanks in advance for your encouraging words...
Please help me - cause I don't know what else to do...
I want to leave before Oct 31

Js
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Struggles
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« Reply #1 on: October 22, 2017, 10:55:47 AM »

Johnny, sending lots of hugs and strength your way.  I don't have a lot of advice in this situation.  I have often thought myself about what i would do in the situation of having to move in with my husbands BPD mother.  I can only speak for myself when I say I would do exactly what you did in the past and are wanting to do now.  Only because I know that I could not handle it emotionally.  I live an hour away from mine and feel like I am losing myself from recent events and emotional abuse. 

Johnny, you are such a strong man.  Yes, man!  Our BPD loved ones often make us feel like we are still small, but we are not. If you do decide to go to Florida, maybe try looking into cities that are tourist locations.  These places are usually easier to find jobs.   Also, look into cities that have soup kitchens, that way until you find work you can go there and get meals. 

If you decide to stay, please know that this does not make you weak.  You are a strong man, who has been thrust in a difficult situation. 

I've been trying to get myself out of the state of losing myself as well.  It's so much easier said than done. 

Again, sending lots of hope, strength, hugs, and prayers of healing your way. 
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Notwendy
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« Reply #2 on: October 22, 2017, 12:32:05 PM »

You have nothing to be ashamed of. I get that your mother will trigger this shame in you.

When she does, she basically is dumping all her bad feelings on to you. What she says to you is hurtful but it says more about her than about you. Remember that what your mother says to you is about her, not you.

I think it is great to have a plan to get out on your own again. This plan may be in steps. One step at a time. If you don't have a place to live- you can still take steps to get out on your own.

One thing that has helped me is ACA groups. They are free. You don't need to be a child of an alcoholic to be a member or for it to help you. The patterns of dysfunction are similar to a child of a person with BPD. There you will find people who feel like you do and have been in your shoes. It will help you to get out with people who you can talk to.

Are there ways to take steps toward employment? I don't know what you did before but sometimes any job can make a difference and build references. Some jobs- working for a grocery, coffee shop, Wal Mart, Target, - have good benefits . It isn't just about money but the mental health benefits of a routine and social interaction.

One step at a time and you can make changes. Hang in there.
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Harri
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« Reply #3 on: October 22, 2017, 02:07:47 PM »

Hi Johnny Shoes.  What a tough situation.  I moved back in with my father after losing all of my savings and having nothing left due to illness.  Fortunately my mother was dead otherwise there was no way I would have moved back 'home'.  Even so, my father was no picnic to deal with so I understand that sense of horror and for me, a feeling of defeat.

The thing that helped me the most was re-writing my story.  By that I mean I changed the way I looked at my situation.  Instead of 'having to move home because my life was a mess' I looked at it as a choice that I made.  It really was a choice.  I did have other options even tho I did not like them (such as living in my car, living in a shelter, on the streets, etc).  Changing the way I looked at the situation, as hard as it was, gave me a sense of power over the events in my life.  I also used it as an opportunity to work and heal some of the issues of abuse that my father was a part of or instigated himself when I was living at home previously.  Hard to avoid issues when having to live with someone who hurt you tremendously. 

I know it will be very hard, full of triggers and feel awful to work your way through stuff and use the tools taught here to deal with yourself while living with your mother, but it can be done if you start with changing this situation from an "I am stuck and this is horrible" to "I do have options, this is the best one at this time and yes it will be hard but I can do this".

More practically, and possibly equally infuriating (apologies), when your unemployment runs out you will be eligible for SNAP (food stamps) and medicaid (thanks to medicaid expansion). 

In the meantime, if you can find a job doing anything (like Notwendy mentioned) it will help significantly, not just by giving you a bit of money (even if only to feed your dog) but psychologically and will get you away from your mother.  Volunteer if you have to to get some space.

I think it is vital to change the way you look at your situation.  It will be much harder to find full time work and a place to live while feeling defeated.  You got away from your mother before and you will do it again.  Take your situation and use it to get stronger mentally and emotionally so the relationship that brought you here and caused so much damage will be less likely to happen again.

I wrote the above to be encouraging and empowering.  It is so hard to feel down and defeated and trapped.  I've been there.  It was hard to move back in with my father.  It was hard a few years later when i lost everything again after having rebuilt what i lost and then had to go on medicaid and SNAP benefits.  I am sort of in the same situation again and I am trying to change my perspective to a more positive and empowering one.

Oh and silent treatment is abuse.  Allow yourself to get angry about it.  How dare your mother treat you like that?  No one deserves that!  My mother used to do that to me even as a kid for months on end.  It was not until I was in my thirties and finally about to move out of the family home that I allowed myself to get angry, say no this has nothing to do with me and I have done nothing to deserve this.  allowing myself to get angry helped me deal with the conditioned guilt I felt everytime she did that to me.  It changed the entire way i experienced her deafening silence and made it far less damaging and defeating to me.

Johnny Shoes, I hope what i wrote is helpful in some way and did not come across as minimizing your situation.  You are in a tough tough place but it is temporary and not a reflection of your value. 

I am glad you posted.
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« Reply #4 on: October 22, 2017, 02:37:55 PM »

Hello JohnnyShoes  

You have nothing to be ashamed of  
The behaviors of your mum are the problem, *not* you. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

You have gotten some useful tips already. Have you thought about volunteering and getting a free place to stay + food in return ?

Here are some websites for you to look at. Maybe you want to register, you never know what comes up ?

https://www.workaway.info/
https://wwoofinternational.org/
www.helpx.net/

It could also be a great way to take your mind of things, and to do something completely different.

I think it's great you have your dog as your companion. When you walk him, do you talk to other dog owners ? Even if it's just saying hello and talking about the weather ?
Do you sometimes go on long walks ? Like in the forest ?

xx
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JohnnyShoes
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« Reply #5 on: October 22, 2017, 04:34:18 PM »

Thank you to each and EVERY one of you.
I wish I was in a better state to send this reply
You all deserve a separate response, but I'm sorry...
Just don't have the strength for it.
I'm typing on a phone. Since being here I've been getting headaches... sinus headaches.
I know I have sinus problems but this is 5x worse.
Possibly stress related as well.

Anyways, before returning I DID make this a choice (however much denial and wishful thinking at the time)
Wanted to spend time with the old folks B4 they pass and THEN would probably not forgive myself for not trying

Yes, they BOTH are wacky. My mother being the worse. My father is now a product of what my mother did to him over many years ( they are 86 and 85)

I began to say, before I arrived BACK I had a plan...
I enrolled in an online course for HVAC
10 months. I was told by few sources that the field is THIRSTY for techs. More techs are retiring,then joining the field. GOOD techs are gold to find.
Some companies are so big that they have their own schools and train (I don't have e that kind of money)

The text book they give you weighs a ton and is approx 4 inches thick. It's divided into chapters/UNITS... .about 40 of them.
  After each unit you must pass an online test and score 80 to progress to the next unit.
I'm 1/4 way through up to 10.

I'm ASSURED that a company will pick me up as a PAID apprentice once I complete this.
Getting laid off is pretty much UNHEARD of in this field, and Everyone needs AC/heating...

It's technical work. It's like learning a little bit of Plumbing, Electrical and refrigerants/pressures etc. I always believed that you CAN do anything, if you can visualize yourself doing it. The only thing I don't possess that a Tech possesses is
Knowledge &
Experience.

My only fear is that I'm not too old to do this. I mean, im fine and feel I can, but I wonder what company would hire a guy in his 50s.?
But, I digress.

I was going to get a P/T job here while I work on this...
> ENTER THE CRAZY PARENTS !

Can really be a mind@#$@ !

but, THIS is IT! I don't have any other ideas for work that will support me (being single)

I got desperate to want to move NOW and get a roommate... but that's not practical, just adds more s#@t to my plate... and would be a heavier burden on me.

The other factor to BEAR is... I'm up north... and I'm not ready for cold. Cold for me (coming from FL) was 50°F - - here, it gets in the single digits... I can't Imagine what that's gonna be like in a few weeks.

But, I am THANKFUL to have found this place and I plan on leaning on all of you for support while I'm here. The most would be a year.
So, I'm praying I will survive.

Of course there's more history to tell but I will save it for another post.

Thank you all again.

JS
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Struggles
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« Reply #6 on: October 22, 2017, 05:42:52 PM »

Congrats on enrolling in the online courses.  I have also heard that there is a high demand in this field.  I think this field of work will actually serve well with age.  The young kids, usually don't have the work ethic ones as us who have been around the block do and in the HVAC field companies need someone they can rely on as this can be a night or day job. 

You don't have to reply to each of us individually, we know the stress that this disorder puts on each of us and know that this is a place to come and vent, get advice, and hopefully learn how to heal.  I am so glad I found this community as well.  It makes me feel like I am not alone.  Anytime you need us we are here. 
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Notwendy
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« Reply #7 on: October 23, 2017, 05:09:18 AM »

Hi Johnny,

I didn't move back home in middle age but I did visit for an extended time to help with my father when he first got ill. It was the first time I had stayed that long since the college years. It was a shock. As kids- living in this situation - we didn't know anything else. It was our "normal". As adults, we have enough life experience to know this isn't normal. It was terrifying to see my mother's behavior and the interactions with my father. I understand the fear- and wish to get away from the situation. Getting away may not be realistic, so you need ways to maintain your sanity.

You need adult interaction with sane people. It is a reality check for you. Living there with no friends is not good for you. I mentioned some ways - a job, ACA groups. With your interest in HVAC I wonder if there is a Habitat for Humanity near you. They need volunteers to build homes and repair them. You don't have the skills for HVAC yet, but perhaps there is a crew you can volunteer with and gain some skills helping them. Do you have any religious connections? If so, attend a house of worship- for your own spiritual sanity and just to meet people ( a different one from your parents might be a good idea).

Exercise- maybe a Y or other place that would pro-rate their fees for people in your situation.

Routine. Once my father retired, my parents lost their routine. They slept, ate, did whatever at any hour. That felt chaotic.

You've got to find a way to maintain your sanity and self esteem. My parents could be critical and shaming. The sense of not being good enough is there whether you are employed or not. Remember you are a human with self worth no matter what- employed or not. Having contact with people in some sort of activity- work, volunteering, can help you maintain this perspective.

Stay out of your parent's situation. Your father chose to be in this relationship with your mother. The two of them may appear crazy to you. They probably are not used to someone else in the house either- they've had the empty nest, their dynamics, and just them.  They have learned to balance each other with their patterns and habits.
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AskingWhy
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« Reply #8 on: October 24, 2017, 12:22:44 AM »

JohnnyShoes, I am so sorry you are in this predicament.  

So many factors are out of your control, but at least you are here to get support.  You have your dog, and that is a plus, too.  Animals have great empathy.  You say your dog is your life, and many of use here can understand and relate.  Animals give us something to live for as they depend on us for their lives, and give so much in return.  Please don't consider ever giving him up again.  He loves you and you love him.

Feeling "insecure" may be a mild form of depression from the urgency of your circumstances.

I would recommend suspending what you feel about your mother/parents until you are out on your own again.  This is a temporary situation and it's hard not to get sucked into the same old unhealthy dynamics.  Concentrate on your career training and don't get sidetracked.  You know your mother is not going to change, but you may have to stick it out for awhile.  Learn to communicate with her in ways that don't get her to rage or explode, or hit her triggers.

Don't get depressed if you can help it.  Look and see light at the end of the tunnel--this is your goal.  As for stress, it truly adds to physical illnesses.  Psychosomatic illnesses are as real as "real" ones.

Also find a hobby.  Taking your dog out, maybe to dog parks, is a great way to meet people and find connections.

Whatever you do, don't give up and keep striving toward your goal until you attain it.

Hang in there!



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JohnnyShoes
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« Reply #9 on: October 29, 2017, 06:23:39 PM »

It's been ok these past weeks.
I mean, it's not Great, but at least I don't feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown.
I stay out of the house with my dog most of the day - and just basically IGNORE the crap i see and hear. Telling Myself, it's just temporary.
Some days are worse then others.

Js
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« Reply #10 on: October 30, 2017, 12:54:03 PM »

Hi there,

My heart goes out to you.  This is such an incredibly difficult situation... .

I did look up 'homeless shelters that allow pets' in Florida, and I found this location in Gainesville:

www.dontesden.org/

It looks like they would temporarily take care of your dog, and if you were to stay at a nearby shelter, you could go and pick your puppy up just as soon as you found work / housing. 

I also found this link, which it looks like may allow pet owners to keep their dogs with them at the shelter. 

www.stfrancishousegnv.org/

If things get too difficult to bear at your mother's home, these would be options for you to find a way out.

I do understand how psychologically and emotionally draining it would be to make this move, but as a former Social Worker, I do know there would be case managers at these shelters that would be emotionally supportive and that would give you the resources you need to get on your feet.  Without losing your dearest puppy friend. 

You are in my thoughts & prayers, please take care!

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« Reply #11 on: October 30, 2017, 03:00:49 PM »

It's been ok these past weeks.
I mean, it's not Great, but at least I don't feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown.
I stay out of the house with my dog most of the day - and just basically IGNORE the crap i see and hear. Telling Myself, it's just temporary.
Some days are worse then others.

Js
Hi JohnnyShoes, I really admire the steps you are taking to get your HVAC certification. I used to own a business (in a different field) and I always preferred to see job candidates in their 50's and 60's. Their life experience and maturity were always a plus to me and they were always my best employees.

I also admire your strength in the face of tremendous adversity. I know you have good days and bad days, but what I admire is you are still moving forward and you are going to make it through a situation that many people just couldn't handle. I really look forward to the day that you get to enjoy the more peaceful life that you deserve apart from all of this upheaval. And, I also can  relate to the dog thing.  I have 2 dogs and they are such a source of support for me.

Keep posting, and know we are all pulling for you.
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Flintridge

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« Reply #12 on: November 18, 2017, 04:43:21 PM »

Hi Johnny,

Just read your post. Try and remember this is only temporary! As crappy as the situation is right now, it WILL pass. Aren't animals wonderful? We had dogs growing up and I think they bring so many wonderful things into your life. You're very lucky to have this four legged friend, hang on to him, thanks goodness you have him and aren't alone. I have a BPD mother myself so I can't imagine moving in with her so I feel your pain. But I think you're doing the right thing by staying there until you can get back up on your feet and leaving the home as often as you can so you're not around that negativity and abuse. If I were you, I would be gone from sunrise to sunset.

Sounds like you've put a plan together and all of your hard work will be so worth it! There's a lot of employment agencies that will even help find you something temporary, just to get some money coming in. Sounds like you're doing everything you possibly can, so don't fret. We often aren't where we want to be but you just have to hang tight and be patient, you will get there eventually.

Please let us know how you make out Smiling (click to insert in post)
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JohnnyShoes
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« Reply #13 on: November 22, 2017, 10:09:55 PM »

Thanks everyone - thanks for the encouragement
For the links

I still manage to get out at 6:30am and stay out till late afternoon

Spoke to my instructor over phone to get a better understanding of what I can expect.
I think he was honest, but not fully... after all... .he wants my monthly money for the next several months.
I did get the understanding that my age will make finding work; difficult. After the call, u wasn't encouraged.

To make matters worse, my bank (which is Florida... .and I'm in CT) said the accounts have been compromised and now I have to wait for a new debit card... .Which means... .
I depend on mommy dearest for the next 3 weeks because I can't access my acct.

WHENEVER she realizes I'm in a corner, I tight spot... one in which I have 'no choice'... .
She really spits out abusive crap... .guess she feels and thinks to herself... 'what is he gonna do about it, he can't leave... .he needs me... .so if he needs me, I'm gonna make him pay ... .'
That's when she treats me the worse... I know, I've been here before.

So, update: getting more headaches and more depression.
I have managed to isolate myself ( unknowingly, or not intentionally - just couldn't deal with the shame I feel when I talk with people I know... (extended family members) I have a strong suspicion that she has, on more than one occasion, Villified me whenever she didn't get her way... or whenever she felt slighted.
That is one of the most painful things she has done...
My extended family believed that crap... I can see it in their eyes.
I have been away for many years... .
Just turns my stomach... so... .

I choose not to see these people, cause they sure treat me like some Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post)#@@ retard or something. These relatives are not even people I want to know. Feel better not seeing them.
Amazing also how when my mother talks about THEM and Villified my brother on occasion ( that's her GOLDEN boy )
I can't have a conversation with her without her , changing the subject and talking about him .

I've put on 20 lbs in 2 months... .stopped exercising. Temp outside is getting cold.
I'm from Florida, and now in CT... .and it's Nov.

Anyway got to nurse this headache and try to sleep.

Thanks again for your responses. They are a lifeline
Js
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