Escaped BPD...new relationship, old wounds x

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all

I was wondering if anyone had any advice... .x

I escaped a BPD relationship. It was honestly the most horrific and stressful time of my life. I got very, very poorly over it  

What I found to be the hardest part of being with a BPD person was being disregarded and ignored... .completely cut off. Without warning. I was truly walking on egg shells, waiting for the next time it would happen. It was very traumatic  

Anyway... .the short story is, is that I managed to escape and didn’t go back. 

A few months after, when I had done some work towards healing, I wanted to go back on the dating scene and have now found someone who is lovely. He doesn’t have BPD. He is ‘normal’. Just amazing. He is truly amazing xx

However... .this sounds crazy... .but I still feel I’m walking on egg shells in a way. Not from anything he has done... .I mean from my previous experience with a BPD guy.

Examples include:

1) one night we were having a text conversation and he suddenly stopped texting. This alarmed me. It was 10PM at night... .I figured he had just fallen asleep (he had, as he text me when he woke up on the couch at 2AM!) but this didn’t stop me from panicking for several hours thinking that I had been discarded... .like the BPD guy used to  I couldn’t sleep... .I was highly anxious and panicked. When I text him back, I was my usual bubbly self and said, ‘hey haha! Oh no problem - I thought you might have fallen asleep!’ But he had no idea I was in complete mental meltdown 

2) having a normal ‘couples’ row. We’d rowed (not shouting) about something and he went kinda quite for a few hours after. I lay next to him in a complete panic and then burst out crying. He came to me straight away and was like, ‘oh my goodness! Babe! Don’t cry!’... .I just told him i didn’t like rowing and he said a row here and there between couples was healthy and normal, a way of getting rid of any stresses. I asked him if we were ok and he was a bit puzzled by this... .he said a row didn’t mean anything (I know... .he’s right)

3) he left his phone at home. He had emailed me to let me know this but it was to an email address I didn’t have access to during the day. I spent the whole day in a complete panic. I tried to call him several times and text him to say, ‘... .this is really upsetting me... .what’s going on?’. I went into a meltdown... .I was imagining all sorts of things like... .wow... .he’s just thrown me away after all this time together. He then called me and said, ‘you got the emails, right? I’ve been so worried! I’ve just got in and phoned as soon as I laid hands on my phone!’ That was a horrible day. It felt like a constant panic attack.

4) I stayed at his flat once and I had some left over dinner in the fridge. I figured I’d have it for lunch. He text me in the evening to say, ‘hey cheeky - you’ve eaten my dinner I was looking forward to that!’... .my first reaction to this was... .wow... .I am in DEEP trouble. I’m going to get thrown away again. I text back to laugh it off and he responded to say, ‘glad you ate it as I was worried you didn’t eat today’... .but I couldn’t shake the feeling of being discarded at any minute. This caused me to panic and get tearful

5) when he was tired once, he wasn’t being as engaging as he usually is. I was trying to engage him in conversation and then blurted out, ‘is everything ok with us?’ He was like, ‘yeah... .why?’ I said... .you’re being quiet. He said he sometimes does go quiet and he’d just driven 200 miles. He said... .i know what that man did to you but I’m not like that. I’m completely content here... .just tired. I apologised and we got on with our lovely evening but... .I was highly anxious the whole time thinking... .any minute, I’m going to be thrown away.

:-(

He is so lovely and patient. He knows what I went through. He tells me he loves me... .he is so generous. He is a bit of a rough and tough/manly man... .but he is so affectionate and caring. He tells everyone about me... .carries my photo. Shows off to his friends when they call etc etc. He is very happy. He has made it clear we’re in this for the long haul. So... .why can’t I just accept this?
Whenever something goes ‘wrong’... .my first instinct is to severely panic about being thrown away.

Aargh... .so frustrating. Sometimes, when I am going through this, misinterpreting normal stuff as a sign that I’m going to get discarded at any minute I think... .’I am just going to stay single for ever now’. Of course - that isn’t what I want as I truly love this man. But... .when I think I have been discarded or that there is a risk, I go into survival mode.

Anyone got any ideas on how I can convnince myself that this guy isn’t going to do what the other man did to me... .? I don’t think boyfriend is aware of how deep this goes.

We are saving up for our own place so I am committing all of my income to this at the moment... .so I can’t pay out for therapy for at least another 3 months, once we are settled in.

I am sorry to say this but I feel like seeing the ex man and screaming at him that I HATE HIM. I do. I hate what he did to me. I feel like he is an evil b*****d. I know... .it’s an illness. But... .just saying how I feel about him. I hate him with everything I have. I don’t hate anyone... .I have never hated before, I mean. But I sometimes have thoughts like... .’I hope he has a lifetime of suffering and pain like he caused me’  

That’s not nice... .sorry. I don’t wish that for him.

I can’t believe I put up with it for so long when there were guys like current partner out there.

Oh anyway. Sorry... .I’m ranting and a bit angry. thank you so much for reading and I would greatly appreciate any tips or advice.

Thank you xx

[Hattie132132]

Hello all

I was wondering if anyone had any advice... .x

I escaped a BPD relationship. It was honestly the most horrific and stressful time of my life. I got very, very poorly over it  

What I found to be the hardest part of being with a BPD person was being disregarded and ignored... .completely cut off. Without warning. I was truly walking on egg shells, waiting for the next time it would happen. It was very traumatic  

Anyway... .the short story is, is that I managed to escape and didn’t go back. 

A few months after, when I had done some work towards healing, I wanted to go back on the dating scene and have now found someone who is lovely. He doesn’t have BPD. He is ‘normal’. Just amazing. He is truly amazing xx

However... .this sounds crazy... .but I still feel I’m walking on egg shells in a way. Not from anything he has done... .I mean from my previous experience with a BPD guy.

Examples include:

1) one night we were having a text conversation and he suddenly stopped texting. This alarmed me. It was 10PM at night... .I figured he had just fallen asleep (he had, as he text me when he woke up on the couch at 2AM!) but this didn’t stop me from panicking for several hours thinking that I had been discarded... .like the BPD guy used to  I couldn’t sleep... .I was highly anxious and panicked. When I text him back, I was my usual bubbly self and said, ‘hey haha! Oh no problem - I thought you might have fallen asleep!’ But he had no idea I was in complete mental meltdown 

2) having a normal ‘couples’ row. We’d rowed (not shouting) about something and he went kinda quite for a few hours after. I lay next to him in a complete panic and then burst out crying. He came to me straight away and was like, ‘oh my goodness! Babe! Don’t cry!’... .I just told him i didn’t like rowing and he said a row here and there between couples was healthy and normal, a way of getting rid of any stresses. I asked him if we were ok and he was a bit puzzled by this... .he said a row didn’t mean anything (I know... .he’s right)

3) he left his phone at home. He had emailed me to let me know this but it was to an email address I didn’t have access to during the day. I spent the whole day in a complete panic. I tried to call him several times and text him to say, ‘... .this is really upsetting me... .what’s going on?’. I went into a meltdown... .I was imagining all sorts of things like... .wow... .he’s just thrown me away after all this time together. He then called me and said, ‘you got the emails, right? I’ve been so worried! I’ve just got in and phoned as soon as I laid hands on my phone!’ That was a horrible day. It felt like a constant panic attack.

4) I stayed at his flat once and I had some left over dinner in the fridge. I figured I’d have it for lunch. He text me in the evening to say, ‘hey cheeky - you’ve eaten my dinner I was looking forward to that!’... .my first reaction to this was... .wow... .I am in DEEP trouble. I’m going to get thrown away again. I text back to laugh it off and he responded to say, ‘glad you ate it as I was worried you didn’t eat today’... .but I couldn’t shake the feeling of being discarded at any minute. This caused me to panic and get tearful

5) when he was tired once, he wasn’t being as engaging as he usually is. I was trying to engage him in conversation and then blurted out, ‘is everything ok with us?’ He was like, ‘yeah... .why?’ I said... .you’re being quiet. He said he sometimes does go quiet and he’d just driven 200 miles. He said... .i know what that man did to you but I’m not like that. I’m completely content here... .just tired. I apologised and we got on with our lovely evening but... .I was highly anxious the whole time thinking... .any minute, I’m going to be thrown away.

:-(

He is so lovely and patient. He knows what I went through. He tells me he loves me... .he is so generous. He is a bit of a rough and tough/manly man... .but he is so affectionate and caring. He tells everyone about me... .carries my photo. Shows off to his friends when they call etc etc. He is very happy. He has made it clear we’re in this for the long haul. So... .why can’t I just accept this?
Whenever something goes ‘wrong’... .my first instinct is to severely panic about being thrown away.

Aargh... .so frustrating. Sometimes, when I am going through this, misinterpreting normal stuff as a sign that I’m going to get discarded at any minute I think... .’I am just going to stay single for ever now’. Of course - that isn’t what I want as I truly love this man. But... .when I think I have been discarded or that there is a risk, I go into survival mode.

Anyone got any ideas on how I can convnince myself that this guy isn’t going to do what the other man did to me... .? I don’t think boyfriend is aware of how deep this goes.

We are saving up for our own place so I am committing all of my income to this at the moment... .so I can’t pay out for therapy for at least another 3 months, once we are settled in.

I am sorry to say this but I feel like seeing the ex man and screaming at him that I HATE HIM. I do. I hate what he did to me. I feel like he is an evil b*****d. I know... .it’s an illness. But... .just saying how I feel about him. I hate him with everything I have. I don’t hate anyone... .I have never hated before, I mean. But I sometimes have thoughts like... .’I hope he has a lifetime of suffering and pain like he caused me’  

That’s not nice... .sorry. I don’t wish that for him.

I can’t believe I put up with it for so long when there were guys like current partner out there.

Oh anyway. Sorry... .I’m ranting and a bit angry. thank you so much for reading and I would greatly appreciate any tips or advice.

Thank you xx

[SuperJew82]

I think this is an interesting phenomenon that I think many people can relate to. It seems that we start living in their distorted world that they create. Before you know it you can find yourself incorporating their methods into your thought process - when you have never done anything like this before.

My exDBPDGF would lie about all sorts of things big and small. I caught her in so many small and big lies that eventually I was living in a state of paranoia. Every time she didn't text me back promptly or I felt something was off I would go into a mini-panic... .In my case, I was probably right in assuming the worst, but I very much so would like to lose this learned fear - as it is not a healthy state of mind to have.

I once bought a gps car tracker online during a state of paranoia. Right afterward I ended things with her. Once it came in the mail I was kind of disgusted about what I was turning into. I had to ask myself why am I in a relationship with someone I have so little trust in? I keep the magnetic gps tracker on my fridge ( It's an awesome fridge magnet! ) as a little reminder to myself of where I was in my life.

I'm glad you found yourself a good guy and have moved on. You should be very proud of yourself for this! I think the fact you are openly communicating your feelings and experiences with him is also fantastic. I'm pretty sure the more time you spend in a healthy relationship your old state of mind will fade away as you get used what a more healthy feels like.

[MeandThee29]

Yes, we get so brainwashed that we have trouble with normal. I can completely imagine myself having the same struggles.

Sometimes when I'm talking just to friends or relatives, I find myself doubting and expecting an emotional blow when it's just ordinary friction or misunderstandings.

Sigh!

[SuperJew82]

Not to mention the overall quality of life. When you in a constant state of anxiety, this affects all aspects of your life. I'm sure I was a worse employee and a less attentive dad to my girls during the two years of recycling I subjected myself to. I know my friends had to have been tired of hearing about it all the freaking time!

I think things will get better with time. I'm a handful of months out NC and now I'm re-establishing myself and getting used to being single again. It's a little unsettling at times but very much needed. I thought I was ready to date, but I'm just taking it slow right now.

[dazedandconfuzed]

Totally supportive of you here and kind of in the same boat. Just saying though, if therapy is something that was doing you some good - then I would put that back on the priority list - even if it delays getting a place by a month or so. I think he'll agree too. Just like your ex's lack of health and well being caused all that damage, you want to make sure you're taking care of yourself.

[Fie]

Hello Hattie132132  

Welcome !

I so much understand what you mean. I once read an article about how somebody felt like she had a computer virus after having been with a BPD. I related.

Have you heard about complex PTSD ? Apparently it can be caused by the abuse suffered from BPD/NPD.

And then also, I don't know how it is for you, but I stayed in my BPD/NPD relationship too long partly because it felt familiar. And because I thought, if I try long enough, he will change.
Both dynamics that I got from my FOO (family of origin). So what I mean is... .while we sometimes think the problem began with our BPD partner, it begam much earlier, in our childhood.

Not saying that this necessarily is the case for you ... but maybe worthwhile looking into ?

After all, somebody with good boundaries and a strong self esteem is not going to stay long in a BPD relationship I think.

What do you think ?

xx

[lucky013]

Hello Hattie132132 

Welcome !

I so much understand what you mean. I once read an article about how somebody felt like she had a computer virus after having been with a BPD. I related.

Have you heard about complex PTSD? Apparently, it can be caused by the abuse suffered from BPD/NPD.

And then also, I don't know how it is for you, but I stayed in my BPD/NPD relationship too long partly because it felt familiar. And because I thought, if I try long enough, he will change.
Both dynamics that I got from my FOO (family of origin). So what I mean is... .while we sometimes think the problem began with our BPD partner, it began much earlier, in our childhood.

Not saying that this necessarily is the case for you ... but maybe worthwhile looking into?

After all, somebody with good boundaries and a strong self-esteem is not going to stay long in a BPD relationship I think.

What do you think?

xx

It saddens me to read this post, as I can relate to the first post and your post about c-ptsd. Mother is BPD and have dated a few girls in the past the same as her. Only learning about it in the last couple years.

I started seeing someone new and it went all wrong as I got too needy, as I actually cared and thought that I could have a normal connection with someone and she texts me saying this isn't for me and she doesn't want to continue this.

As a young male in the dating world, it's so hard to meet people with the way tinder and other apps are people are discarded so quickly.
I now have strong morals in life and boundaries for people il date now and life so difficult. Having a connection and common ground and healthy boundaries.

I send my deepest considerations for people going through the same as this