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auspicium

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
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« on: October 23, 2017, 11:43:09 AM »

Hi, I am new to this forum.  I am seeking a better understanding of BPD in order to be supportive of my DIL in the future.  From what I have read I have been communicating in a way that is exactly not what I need to be doing and I have regrets about that. 
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Kwamina
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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« Reply #1 on: October 23, 2017, 01:19:12 PM »

Hi auspicium

Welcome to our online community. Great that you are educating yourself about this complex disorder.

Could you tell us a bit more about your DIL? What are the BPD traits that you see in her?

You mention your communication with her. What aspects of your communication do you now consider to be not so effective? What specifically do you have regrets about?

Take care

The Board Parrot
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Oh, give me liberty! For even were paradise my prison, still I should long to leap the crystal walls.
auspicium

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« Reply #2 on: October 23, 2017, 02:27:21 PM »


Could you tell us a bit more about your DIL? What are the BPD traits that you see in her?

She is 35, mother to my 3 y/o grandchild.  She has been with my son for 13 years and I thought she may have BPD since the first couple of months into their relationship.  She was dx’d 5 years ago and completed DBT at that time.  This was prompted by my son considering leaving her. 

Traits that I believe I see:  Fear of abandonment, poor self-image, out of control spending, creates chaos, food/alcohol/drug issues, explosive anger/rage, impulsivity, unable to maintain friendships or ongoing family relationships, distorted views of situations, reconstruction of history to better suit the distorted views, gross exaggerations, unable to feel fulfillment with a very comfortable life, self-sabotage, and suspects everyone’s motives except hers.  That is the brief list.

You mention your communication with her. What aspects of your communication do you now consider to be not so effective? What specifically do you have regrets about?

I regret not educating myself much earlier in this relationship, that I have contributed to her financial irresponsibility, taken her nasty comments and behavior personally, and didn’t find a way to continue a relationship with my son that isn’t under her constant scrutiny.  I want to be able to communicate with her as positively as I can, while still protecting myself from her viciousness.   
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Struggles
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« Reply #3 on: October 23, 2017, 02:51:28 PM »

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this.  Please don't feel hard on yourself for the way you have communicated.  When dealing with someone with BPD communication is extremely difficult.  It's also only natural that you take her actions and comments to heart.  This is something I have not yet been able to figure out how to do myself, because the comments and actions are so hurtful!

A little history about my situation, my MIL has undiagnosed BPD.  We (my husband and his siblings and their spouses) never were able to put a name to what was going on until recently.  It has progressively gotten worse.  Thr verbal abuse, fits of rage, lies, and manipulation. 

My father in law is at a loss of what to do, and says he feels like he doesn't know how to get the woman he used to know back.  I'm sure your son feels the same way, and I feel for him as well in this situation.  Like my father in law being torn between defending his sons or not causing another fit with his wife, your son is likely torn between the same. All of us have had to come to the realization that there is nothing we can do to get her help.  That has to be up to my father in law, and ultimately for anything to help, she has to realize she has a problem.  But, as it is often with people with BPD, they do not view themselves as having a problem, it is everyone else who has a problem. 

It is so hard to deal with the guilt of feeling like there is something we could have done sooner, but please know there isn't.  We all go through the same feelings as well.  We feel like for a long time we enabled the bad behaviors because we would just over look the fits and go back to normal.  But we were just trying to manage the best we could, and that's all you were trying to do.  Just know you are a good mother, MIL, and grandmother and that when she speaks it's the disorder talking. 

My husband and I really feel for my father in law in this situation.  We always say we can either hang up, not answer the phone or door when it's her, but my father in law doesn't have that luxury. 

There are a lot of other mothers who's DIL have BPD and  have written recently and hopefully this will be a great place for support for you.  I know it has for me.  I think writing our feelings down helps, and then knowing there are others going through what we are and that we are not alone helps as well.  Sending lots of hugs your way and hoping your situation gets better. 
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auspicium

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« Reply #4 on: October 23, 2017, 03:21:03 PM »

[quote.  We feel like for a long time we enabled the bad behaviors because we would just over look the fits and go back to normal. ][/quote]

YES.  Very validating.  Thank you. 
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