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Author Topic: My Wife and I have separated.  (Read 861 times)
Mrblue

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« on: November 15, 2017, 05:53:02 AM »

Hello

My wife and I have been together for 5 years and we are both in our early 30's. We also have a two year old daughter. My wife has suspected BPD though has never been officially diagnosed.


I wont go into to much detail in a first post, other than to say my wife came home the other day and unexpectedly said she needed us to separate and focus on herself and be alone. This was out of the blue as we were meant to be moving house this week.

She has said she does not want a divorce but doesn't know what the future holds for us.

As I said we stumbled across BPD a couple of years ago, and she was quite accepting of it.
She has always been searching for inner peace and to be happy within herself.
Although upon finding out about BPD, she didnt receive very much support from the NHS.
She has also suffered with self harming, eating disorders and binge drinking in the past.

I have always supported her and love her for no matter what. She has always loved me the same and we felt secure. This is so out of the blue. I just don't know what to do.

She has now gone onto auto drive, and I am just trying to give her space. She has moved to her mums.

As I say its hard to put everything down, and I keep remembering details as I go.

I am in so much shock. I dont want my family to break up. But don't know what I can do.




Having just found this forum.
I would be eternally grateful for any advice please

Thanks
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« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2017, 07:59:29 AM »

Impulsivity and dimished executive function are at the root of BPD. In other words, she is emotionaly impulsive (and impulses tend to be extreme in whatever direction they are moving) and doesn't think a lot about the long term implications... .

So, my thoughts, at least in a general sense and on what little you have shared is to not over react today. Stay upbeat. Give her the space. Let her come to you and if she is holding back for now, be OK. Impulses change and a little time at Mom's might do her good.

So, tell us, what's been going on?
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JoeBPD81
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« Reply #2 on: November 15, 2017, 08:18:02 AM »

Hi there, Mrblue Welcome

when this happens it is adevastating and paralizing feeling. I'm sorry you are going through it, and it would shock any of us. Having a place to talk about it and seeking help are two good steps towards a better life, for you and I hope for your family too.

With BPD love is not enough. I think most of us get to that conclussion sooner or later. We love our SO so much that love is supposed to win everything. They can't doubt we are on their side. That's what we thought.

Later we learn that the mind and the logic of the person with BPD doesn't work the same as ours. And we have to learn this new logic in order to be successful in our comunication, and for them to know what we really mean. It takes work. It doesn't come naturaly, and sometimes it will be counter-intuitive. This website is a good place for that. It is also a safe place to speak about it, and to find many people that will feel like you, and will understand your pain, and your wife's pain too. The more you learn, the more it makes sense, the more sense, the better you are prepared to answer.

I'm sorry you had to have this scare to come here, most of us do. But one advice won't magicaly solve this. You have to be patient. She hasn't closed the doors, and you have a daughter in common. She's the center of this, your priority must be that the kid is safe and loved, but you already know that.

You have to make sure that your wife knows you respect her need to have space, but that it is not what you want, that you don't want her to go too far. Don't presure, but don't let her think you are enjoying this either.  I've been asked space and them I've been blamed about not being close.

In this relationships we often have to be the keepers of hope, when they have none. And we also have to support and not get support back from them, and learn to deal with that too. They have an emotional disability, and sometimes it becomes overwhelming for them. Relationships are the hardest thing of all.

Forgive me for doing a Copy-paste advice, but I think what I just said to another new member aplies to you as well:

Validate her feelings a lot. (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating)

Take this time to prepare yourself. Read the lessons on the right of this page, the BASIC tools first. And you'll learn how to comunicate things without scaring her away.

Don't forget about yourself and your own feelings, just take care, do nice things for yourself. Distract yourself some times. Find support, tell your story, have a beer with some friends, see your family... .OK?

Tell us how it goes, I wish you the best luck.
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Mrblue

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« Reply #3 on: November 17, 2017, 04:10:34 AM »

Thank you both for the replies.

So just to summarise the lead up to this again.
We have been planning a move for us all over the last 3/4 months and it has been stressful, i know my wife had been worried about me dealing with it all.

The move is set for this weekend, as I said two weeks before my wife hit me with bombshell in my first post. Since then I have stayed at my mothers and she has stayed in our current property and is moving to her mums today. I will then move into the new house as planned. We are sharing our daughter.

I am hoping my taking the house and making it a family Home as we planned it will help her come back in the future.

In the meantime I am just confused with how to help her.  People have said give her space and be strong, she will come back as the feeling of wanting to be alone and not loving will pass.

Others have said give her space but make sure you show her that you need her back with your family as it all stems from fear of abandonment, hence wanting space but not a divorce, yet not knowing if she wants us to be together.

This is all stuff I’m reading about BPD, at the moment my wife is not thinking about her BPD and although saying she wants to speak to a councillor is focusing on being free and fixing herself.


I feel I am playing catch up to all this information and on a tightrope, not wanting to make the wrong move, making things worse and breaking up our family.

Again any advice please
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JoeBPD81
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« Reply #4 on: November 17, 2017, 05:02:21 AM »

... .not wanting to make the wrong move, making things worse and breaking up our family.

Again any advice please


You gave youself the best advice. Be patient and don't make things worse. If you are not sure something is positive, don't do it. But total silence or absence of attention to your wife, that's also negative. So you have to hint in some way that you want her back, and that you are not going anywhere. Small things. After 2-3 days of a serious break, I ask my gf about her things, or the kids, or I send her a pic of something she would like (animals mostly). Her reaction shows me if I'm on the good track.

She never says, "hey, we are not breaking up anymore, we are a couple again". And If I ask directly, she would say that we are done, and she thinks the same. So I know asking makes things worse (in my case).

You know her, don't presure her, don't be overwhelming, but don't let her internal dialogue to say to her "He is better without you, he's moving on... .".

I know hours feel like days to you now. We are here to listen.
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BPD Supporter

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« Reply #5 on: November 17, 2017, 06:27:09 AM »

Hi MrBlue,
2 months ago my dear wife slammed the front door and said “go to hell”. She then proceeded to go to the bank and got a grand out cash. Shopping. She stayed with my friend from high school.
- They apparently had been bad mouthing me for 3 years and lying. She had been cultivating a hate networks sort of and feeding them one sided lies about our relationship.
- At the same time my daughter who has her own BPD boyfriend received a suiside trhreat and I had to deal with that as well.
- Did I mention my mom got cancer?
- Did I mention my grandfather died?
- Did I mention I had surgery and recovery is 6 weeks and I had to do all the work around the kids and the house and recover in between.
- Did I mention my business partner stole and we fired him and he sued?
Nope, did not mention any of that. She knew what was going on. No need for me to say anything. I just wore my buddha face and looked in her wide puipilled eyes and I sucked it all up and kept bringing water and kept chopping wood.
By the way with that surgery I found out something interesting - physical pain does help with reconciling all these emotions and I took no pain pills so I totally get them on that front. Pain does make things seem more real.
Anyway - She was back the next morning. It took her 2 months after that to shake off all the idiations from the trip she planned and took to Europe in that state. It took her over a month to start talking honestly to me again and for her to come clean and to finally come to me and ask me to be together with me again. During those couple of months I read, I hired a therapist and begun working on cleaning up all the eggshells in the house. Tons laying around. Established limits, slept at my parents when things were turbulent, took care of the kids and concentrated on helping them so they are minimally affected. I organized family gatherings, meetings, inverventions.
- Grandfather never resurrected.
- Mother did recovered form cancer
- Daughter put distance and limits and is now ok with boyfriend
- surgery wounds healed
You are doing as good as you can be doing - both of you know what’s going on... .
I know everybody is about the skills and the communication techniques. I just speak the truth with my wife. Against all odds I don’t change or perephrase things around. I keep therm very short and logical. Then I wait. That’s the hardest part. This is what works with my unique BPD.
But every situation is different. Every relationship is different. I just want you to know you are not alone brother.
Cheer up, life goes on, we only control one side of the equation in a relationship. Ours.
Finally, I didn’t think she left me and we separated that day she left. I felt she ran away from home. Like I did when I was 12. I was back the next morning too.
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Mrblue

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« Reply #6 on: November 19, 2017, 09:02:22 AM »

Thanks for the advice guys.

I have moved into the new home and have my daughter there in half of the week, my wife then has her at her mums the other half.

I am doing my best to give her space. Yet remaining in positive contact via text. As well as when seeing her to collect/drop off our daughter.

She as I said sprung this on me abruptly and it has devastated me, is it normal with a BPD that they have no sense of empathy about this. When I see her, she just talks about how she is working on herself and has a sense of freedom etc. There is no sense of responsibility for leaving me and for leaving me to deal with everything involving the house move.

I have read this is just part of a BPD's emotion shutdown.  It is like she is a completely different person. The only time i recognize her personality is when she talks to our daughter or on the odd occasion I have made her laugh at something.

The only thing I have been told she has said to a friend, who also says she seems like a different person. Is that she wants me to have more in common with her, but wants me to change organically not for her.

She is not at all accepting this could be her BPD and believes she is on course for a spiritual awaking. Which I have been fully supportive of.

Am I doing the right thing, is there a light at the end of this tunnel?



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« Reply #7 on: November 19, 2017, 09:16:14 AM »

It might be good t spend more time here (on Improving Board), tell your story in detail and work with members on how to cope and how to adjust your interface with your wife when she emerges from this cocoon.

I think the best thing for you, again with little information, is to give her space and OK with it. Don't appear wounded, be upbeat and approachable. Also, change your game. The marriage may be getting stale.

Yes, if she has BPD, its making this a mess. But, BPD is a exaggerated emotional response and there is something there that she is responding to. She is not crazy, just highly reactive.

I don't want to over my skis here, it's really important to tell the story and work it in detail. Many have lived it here.
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Mrblue

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« Reply #8 on: November 19, 2017, 12:08:12 PM »

It might be good t spend more time here (on Improving Board), tell your story in detail and work with members on how to cope and how to adjust your interface with your wife when she emerges from this cocoon.

I think the best thing for you, again with little information, is to give her space and OK with it. Don't appear wounded, be upbeat and approachable. Also, change your game. The marriage may be getting stale.

Yes, if she has BPD, its making this a mess. But, BPD is a exaggerated emotional response and there is something there that she is responding to. She is not crazy, just highly reactive.

I don't want to over my skis here, it's really important to tell the story and work it in detail. Many have lived it here.


Thanks for the reply.

I don't really know how much detail to go into on here. I will say that in the last two years we have had a child, I have lost my father. As well as the normal financial and life struggles. It has not been a smooth ride. But we have always seemed strong and together.
We were even talking about a second child as recently, as a couple of months ago and have also been on vacation.

I wonder, if it is that since my father died and a year ago, we have been settling into a normal life, where as each previous to that, had something in... .Met, Moved in, Engaged, Married, Pregnant, Child, Father dying etc... .I think now, it may have something to do with boredom, and also she has always said she doesn't know how to let herself be happy. So I wonder if some of it is self sabotage. 

I am not dismissing, the stale theory at all. I know all marriages are hard. I am open to any suggestions from her to work on our marriage and to improve it. I know I am not perfect. 

Though it is hard to work on that, when due to BPD she has not mentioned anything and then drops a bombshell on me.

As I say, this is all so raw and new. I am really trying to play catch up with what is BPD, what isn't etc.

I truly appreciate all the replies.

I am also open to talk about it in private messages if anyone would be so kind. Where more details could be gone into

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jo lehno

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« Reply #9 on: November 19, 2017, 05:57:36 PM »

I just feel i should tell you my experience with my 23 years of marriage and her 10 or something times she left the house to her´s mom. The first time i just could not believe what was happening, it was near cristmas to make things worst. out of pride, i just let her be there for some 3 weeks or so, then as i saw there was no intention of her to come back, i had to almost beg her and assure her of how much i loved her and just when she saw i was giving up, she agree to come back.
And from then on, it just worked like that everytime, in the time  between the leavings, she has been a good mother and wife, fun to be around etc. But i just see that every thing it´s triky with her, if i show to much love, she ignores me, if too little, thinks for the worst... .i have a lover, i´m leaving her etc.  My humble advice, show love to her at the same time make sure she  sees you are doing fine without her,  and hope for the best. Also, they get better as they age. ( Sorry for any mistake, i am not native english speaker)
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« Reply #10 on: November 20, 2017, 08:51:13 AM »

Hi, jo lehno Welcome

your experience can help many others, why don't you also open a post and let us know your story and thoughts?

I'm glad you joined us.

MrBlue,

there are no shortcuts, you need to be patient, even if it sucks. It sucks that they don't take into account how they hurt us, but if they did, they would evolve much slower, so we have to support ourselves while they process their emotions the way they can. You want her to walk a path, so if you can't guide her, you can at least not put more weight in her backpack.

As they say, you have to also show her that you can take care of yourself, even as you miss her and love her. Not easy, but not impossible either.

Good luck, mate.
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« Reply #11 on: November 20, 2017, 09:31:30 AM »

Mr. Blue,

Unfortunately impulsively leaving is a thing that is a very common thread of BPD. Sometimes it is therapeutic and nets a positive gain, sometimes it is not.

My spouse and I separated a few years ago and in the time we were separated she started off very strong and then sort of spiraled down. We started with a 50/50 split of parenting time with our son who was 4/5 during that time period and slowly it worked it's way to 90/10 in my favor as she retreated inside herself or would call me in tears that she was unable to handle our son and to come and get him. All of this I kept careful notes on in the event it may lead to some kind of permanent situation involving custody.

We did end up reconciling and due to some changes in my work schedule it became mutually beneficial for her to move back in. It was great for a while... .until it wasn't. We struggled, got through that it became stable for a while... .until it wasn't and she ended up down a path of non-compliance with her medication and some drug use.

Currently she is still in our house, unemployed and seems to be coming back to a stable place... .However if I had to do it over again I would have let her drift away under her own power from our home and raised my son in a much more stable setting as much as the courts would allow.

This is my experience, not yours though. Take it for what it is worth but please try to keep aware of her medical compliance and impulsive behaviors before accepting her back in. Many of us are good people that simply want to swoop in and rescue to make their pain go away, but that doesn't work with a BPD and only leads to further suffering on all sides.
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Mrblue

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« Reply #12 on: November 26, 2017, 10:39:45 AM »

Hello, Just an update of the situation to hopefully help gain some more advice.

It has been three weeks since my wife left now, she has spent the last two at her Mums. We are in contact to share our daughter and the occasional text message. There has been no talk of our future or anything else. Whenever we see each other, she is pleasant, but distant and determined to tell me she has had a good day. She really is acting like a different person, which I think is all part of the BPD.

I have received some good advice here and on other forums. Most telling me to just give her space. Some saying to let her know you are here for her, while making her see that I am OK without her. While others saying that you may need to force an argument (let her know what she has done to me) to break her out of this episode.  So I am still a little confused as to which approach to take. As I have said I love my wife very much and very much want to work this out, for us and our daughter.

She has asked if I wanted to meet for coffee this week, saying we still have our daughter and should be able to go for a drink together.

I dont know whether this is a positive sign, or whether I should distance myself from it. So she doesn't think it is OK for us to continue on like this indefinitely. (As I said she told me she didn't want a divorce)

I'm basically still trying to work out the best way to handle this situation. 1, Letting her know her daughter and I need her to come home. 2, giving her space and staying positive or 3. Taking a tougher stance and telling her we cant continue like this and she needs to take responsibility if she wants our marriage to work.

It is so hard, this was so out of the blue and it is also so near the holidays. I really feel I am treading on egg shells and don't want to make a wrong move.

Also I was not sure whether to post her or on the relationship tools page. I feel I am in the middle.
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JoeBPD81
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« Reply #13 on: November 27, 2017, 03:29:25 AM »

I'm sorry about your situation, Mrblue. I bet these 3 weeks feel like 3 months.

In these cases I see how the indecision can even keep us from sleeping.

On the one hand, you know your wife more than any of the people than can advise you.

On the other hand, you are so close to the situation, that you know your eagerness, your fear, your worry, can make you take decisions not based on "your wisemind". So I understand you look for imput from the outside. A detached opinion.

Still, it is you who has to ponder all the imput, and decide. If you could get her to talk, to be honest about what she is going through, it would be paramount (IMO) to see where to go from here.

Personally, I do see it as a good sign that she wants to see you for a drink.

Years ago, I had a crisis and I separated from my wife temporarily. She couldn't give me space, she doubled her affection, her attention, she did things for me, bought me presents, took blame for our marriage... .And all that made me feel worse. I hated myself more for making her suffer. For making her do an effort when I didn't know what I wanted. It made me need more distance. The only thing that could have helped, I think, was to know she was OK, that she loved me but she allowed me the time I needed. If I needed to make a decission quick, it had to be leaving. To stop her pain the only way I was capable in that moment.

That was my experience. I wish some more people would write theirs, so that helped you. Best of luck.
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