She's married now. I want her and the kids to come home.

[Whoad]

I have previous post, and it is here somewhere. My PwBPD bolted June 19, and since that time only contacted me twice, once about a Schwanns account for me to fix something that was not my issue.  A charm. And then in sept, a question regarding me sending her property, and she would pay be back. I stated her stuff would stay as is because, I love her. Her response was I was ridiculous and delusional and I’m not coming back at all.

Well since and during this time, she has stalked me, my pages, and not terminated her “out”. She then beginning amping up, her stalking habits, and comments on freinds pages, remsinscing of times here.  I played quiet, not paying her mind or reacting to things she posts etc... the passive agressive campaigned continued with the threat of engagement to a new man she ran to... then a marriage date, which came and went without her marriage. ( she would use marriage to hurt me, because that is what we wanted.- instead of threats of self harm) well she contacted the Aunt she hated, knowing she would contact me, and told her she was getting, married on the 13 th... I believe she did it to prove a point, pictures of us, and our life, got hidden, from her pages... I canceled her phone- bricked it, and unfollowed her Pinterest, and deleted freind and her from my app. I left it at that.

I believed she was done. Then Tuesday a more passive agressive post pointed out to me, that she was still seeking attention from me... I had ignored her indirect actions.

Well yesterday I received an email, very confusing, and she is again requesting property, and she would send me money after for my problems.

The email is screaming to me, that she made a mistake, but does not admit that she writes: paraphrased— and that she has responded to me so late because but wants me to realize she is not coming back, but she has been busy. She states  She is sure I have heard news from family/ freinds. but  her life changed life “ drastically” (not wonderful etc... )  again states she is not coming back. and asks again if I would be open to sending her stuff, and they would reimburse me for my problems.

 she leaves out a her forwarded email that, I was ridiculous and delusional. But all other threads are there.

In her last episode, I responded that I would leave things as they are I told her before... she then split white. She came home.

I have no idea what to do or say now... I am angry she got married and heartbroken. But I know she is and was not done with me, she did the most drastic thing to get my attention. I did not respond.

I want her and the kids to come home, I know she does not love him,  and he looked very sick or worried and not to keen that he got married... we all have seen that look. He is in the army in “medical transition “ for PTSD. He does. Not look well.

If  our relationship was truly  over, she would not let me see a thing, she would have blocked me long ago, not kept me on the hook... she would have killed it... that is how she terminates her exes.

I am afraid to respond for I might lose any chance of her coming back, knowing full well, it can happen again. I am willing to take the chance. For us. For her and the kids.

I can give the normal response as I have that it will remain as is, and that I love her.

I can not respond.

I can tell her to go kick rocks with her new husband. ( termination) aka rejection

I can tell her send me the money and I will send her some stuff.

Understand please, I want them back. Knowing full well I will own that. She did not have to contact me, he has place to live, property, and she needs nothing here, this was call to or for contact.

What responses might you say if you want them back. I’m time crunched... my freinds whom have or had relationship says to throw her off guard and tell her to send the money. She will not expect that and when he did that his PwBPD came right back... help me with some opinions to save this... a divorce can always be had later. My family whom has talked to her says she is unhappy and stressed with anxiety etc... but is projecting otherwise.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Whoad]

My nerves could not take it. 

I sent the following if this what you really want send me the money and I’ll send your stuff . 

I put in her court. I guess I see if I killed the relationship or made think about her decision.  A bit of mindful thinking to come her way... it was not rejection nor abandonment on my part. 

[Whoad]

Well...

Response back was thank you, ill be in touch again with the specifics. Do I need to worry if you’ll actually send the items?

Clearly, the latter a devalue statement, inferring I’m not trustworthy... looking for a argument.

So in this response she  received affirmation that she can make me communicate. Affirmation that I did not discard her, aka abandon and reject...  
Validation  that I listened to her request though. 

She wanted me to send her stuff and pay me... where as I say pay me give me a list...

So anyone see that I made a screw up because I am afraid that pushed her away? I mean by not telling her I love her and her stuff would stay here... it worked for me last time...

[Skip]

What responses might you say if you want them back. I’m time crunched... my freinds whom have or had relationship says to throw her off guard and tell her to send the money. She will not expect that and when he did that his PwBPD came right back... help me with some opinions to save this... a divorce can always be had later. My family whom has talked to her says she is unhappy and stressed with anxiety etc... but is projecting otherwise.

Slow down Whoad. There is a great line in a song by The Cure:

If only I'd thought of the right words I could have held on to your heart If only I'd thought of the right words I wouldn't be breaking apart All my pictures of you

It is, of course, a statement on the futility of trying to find the right words to make things channge in the moment.

If she is married, getting your family back is goin to be a slow stepwise process and the best thing to do at each step is be an attractive (not needy guy) with confidence.

Your response today was testy. She responding poorly. Learn from that. Don't do it again.

All this wounded talk about her getting to to respond is really old baggage. Check it at the curb. Be a cool, confident, not clingy guy. Recognize that there will be many many little steps to reconnecting if that is going to happen.

thank you, ill be in touch again with the specifics. Do I need to worry if you’ll actually send the items?

OK, let's pick this up in a positive way (and check the baggage).

Perfect. Contact me with the details when you are ready and we'll work this out. Have a good Thanksgiving...

First note said baggage needs to be climber over to get to me. This note says, maybe you misread the first note, there is nothing to climb over, I am accessible. She'll need  to think about that and will test it later when she has her list. At least you cracked the door open.

Write this on your mirror. "Be cool". 

[Whoad]

OK, let's pick this up in a positive way (and check the baggage).

Perfect. Contact me with the details when you are ready and we'll work this out. Have a good Thanksgiving...

First note said baggage needs to be climber over to get to me. This note says, maybe you misread the first note, there is nothing to climb over, I am accessible. She'll need  to think about that and will test it later when she has her list. At least you cracked the door open.

Ok, I like the way it is put... is this something I should send her now in response to her last. To minimize the testy response .  Oh should what I had done be done and wait for her to contact. Thank you for clear cool

[Skip]

Send now.

Then come back a talk this through with members. There are a lot of balls in play here.

[Whoad]

Send now.

Then come back a talk this through with members. There are a lot of balls in play here.

I did send it... no response back, but— the websites she has been stalking registered her computer again 10 minutes after the send. A week hiatus.

Yes a lot of balls, and lot of people being played to a very bad end...

[Whoad]

Ok things are moving along...

Just received an email. She asking when I come across her dependant card when she was married to ——- can you please send it to me. I didn’t know I had to turn it in. 

I think the appropriate responses are:

I will when I come across it. No problem.

I will when/ if I come across it.

“ ditto” , I don’t remember ever seeing it.  ( which I don’t)

I have been looking for it since your email came in. I am unable to find it in the bedroom or other areas you keep stuff. I will send it if I find it. No problem.

( I did look for it)

I also notice she now states  “ when I was married”. ( I’m not touching it)

And opinion or ideas... ( update. I spoke with military personnel offices... .she does not need to turn it in, she can shred it if she has it, as the card upon the divorce was marked as invalid. )

This is a charm...

[Skip]

I have been looking for it since your email came in. I am unable to find it in the bedroom or other areas you keep stuff. I will send it if I find it. No problem.

I have been looking for it since your email came in. I am unable to find it in the bedroom or other areas you keep stuff. I will send it if I find it. No problem. I'll keep an eye out for it.

This is a charm...

She is trying to manipulate you back into a relationship using threats of suicide? I don't think so. These are probes. I think she is opening a line of communication but I'd be careful not to get over your skis... .you'll just get you feeling hurt.

Stay open. Let is come to you.

[Whoad]

I have been looking for it since your email came in. I am unable to find it in the bedroom or other areas you keep stuff. I will send it if I find it. No problem. I'll keep an eye out for it.

She is trying to manipulate you back into a relationship using threats of suicide? I don't think so. These are probes. I think she is opening a line of communication but I'd be careful not to get over your skis... .you'll just get you feeling hurt.

Stay open. Let is come to you.

skis-. I have done that skiing...

My telling her what you left open, is a validation that I looked without saying it, and affirmation that I will keep an eye out. Correct.? 

I’m learning here. The curve is steep...

[Skip]

Sure. Its how you would talk to a friend. It friendly. You remain approachable.

[Whoad]

Sure. Its how you would talk to a friend. It friendly. You remain approachable.

 

 and her response back at 1518 hrs, jewelry box would be good place to look.

( I looked there, under the bed in her baby book box, in her file cabinet drawer, in her dresser, under her dresser, in the closet) what should I respond back to her with out getting trapped into spending all night chasing ghosts in my house and to not be unapproachable ... firm and friendly. )

[Whoad]

I told her... “nope, I’ll keep my eyes out”

My friend called he’s dealt with this before as well.  He stated that it was probe... and to get me to ask question... .the question of her marriage... I won’t. I didn’t cause, didn’t decide it... I will not own it. But I will cross the road when it gets here. Little steps...

He also states she had her veteran ID more than likely... and since she was vet herself she  likely didn’t have dependent card... .it was a ploy, for reactions, compliance, communication, and whether I care. It likely be quiet now... for a bit... I didn’t  expect such contact after this few months... I LO just sit and move on some more... be cool. Skip says... hard. I’m usually calm collected and unshakeable.

[Whoad]

Well, family called me. They are done with her. They will not take any communication from her no exception, She was horribly mean to all of them. They blocked landline, deleted phone number, blocked all social media.

They have tried un successfully to speak to her kids, she won’t allow any family except those that didn’t protest speak to her kids. During this entire episode.

 They used to talk once a week prior to this episode.

Sad, really... the kids have lost Aunts, Uncles, and a grandparent at this time.

Both Aunts said she is just evil.

I referred them to here to seek understanding and clarity about BPD, but their experiences have jaded that process.

Headed out to work on me,,e

[Whoad]

So, it’s been quiet since contact was made... I realize form the emails she has sent, that she is not directly acknowledging her new marriage. However, she is leaving hints, my life has changed drastically, when I was married to ——.

I can’t read her mind. The trend is making me think that she will want me to react to the marriage, which I did, killed her phone, drooped our friendship form an app... ( so superficial,I know) and unfollowed on her on another...

She will likely ask me what do you think of what I did or something along those lines.  I lived with her so long, I know that she is struggling with what she had done. Whether it has damaged her return to “safe”. 

I thought I’d she told me via email my response, would be:

That’s interesting news, thank you for telling me.

It’s neutral not degrading, it allows her to open up. But I am not sure it’s correct...

I don’t agree with what she had done, no one does... except her fantasy thinking. Any ideas. Baby steps

[Whoad]

Today is her sons bday.  The latest inews s no one is talking to her from either family. It’s is unknown, what is happening.

I relegated myself, to let go. I love her, I love the kids. The families have said this is the worst episode she has ever had. I am here. I know there will be flip as she does have the disorder.

I have tried to no contact- like not look at her social media. It is hard. I want to see the kids, hear their voices.

She has not been direct in telling me she got married, she alludes, leaves clues. It like she expects me to condone, acknowledge, etc... I don’t have anything to say. It hurt me terribly, I cried for few days.

She has since done wierd things, she opened her Instagram account to public and then closed it a few hours later... I have no idea how I knew she had  even changed it. Something told me... .all her photos of the last 7 years are there... .I looked... photos she used to hurt me that she used as a profile pics ( kissing)  to hurt me are not there.  Other things seem to fall in line with her usual pic post,  food, scenery, things that concern her or bother her. Why she opened it god only knows.

After that day, last week, I said enough to myself... I do not surf her stuff, I don’t have the time, and it’s on her.

 My boundary is for me not to look. Why be put in additional stress.
I am dedicated to our relationship, I can wait.
 Her behaviors to the entire family indicate this is not the person we know. By all outward interactions with non familu— She is like normal... to family we are so split black...

I still have no idea why, I was split... I spent too much time speculating why... it’s done, and must not waiver... my other boundary is that I will not tolerate her running away. I told her after  the last episode, I couldn’t afford to come get her again. (I will not run to save her. )

I have not abandoned or rejected her, I have not completely cut her out of my life is as so much, I have not blocked her social accounts. I will communicate with her when she chooses. I will be open, calm, cool, collected... mindful thinking on my part. 

These are next stressful months due to Holiday, bday, new year, etc... child custody issues... etc... money will be tight based on information she gave to family before her big shut down.

I have stuff do for Me... so forward I go...  

[Skip]

I lived this. I bayed a the moon like a mother wolf who lost her pups for 3 years. Its hard when you love the children and carried them through... .and then there is nothing.

[Whoad]

and then there is nothing.

Yes, I hate it... ” L” I miss so much, I raised her in my home since she was baby, changed her diapers, bathed, taught to read, ride bike, fish, camp, fly kites,etc... she may not be my daughter, but I raised her as such. She knows I love her, and I know she loves me like dad...

“A”her son. I miss him too. He’s a good kid, he came into my life at 5/6. I did the same for him. He never really connected till this year. He is great kid... Though he knows his birth father and it’s tough for him. 

They are both victims in this. It sucks... they have had there whole lives uprooted, dropped into environment they are unfamiliar with... it has to be so wierd for them to see from me , a loving, no conflict environment filled with love, understanding, and stability. To a place of unimaginable stress, extra brothers, and a combat PTSD afflicted man whom they now have to call dad. With their mother in throws of BPD episode... it was no wonder the kids were having such issues...

I pray for them... everyday morning and night... it’s the only way to let God and the universe know how I feel. 

I hope this does not go on for years... cuz one day at time is a long time at that rate...

[Skip]

Hang in there.

[Whoad]

I received another email today.

She has opened her Instagram again temporarily  to public but blocked the Aunts. Dad ignored them at thanksgiving.


Can you send mine and “L”  snow gear... coats, boots etc? Asap please?


I know that, she has  the ability to have the church help, him pay for it, and her pay for new clothes, etc... I know this is a contact email.
Still no address nor phone number.

My move. ... she’s making it sound like emergency... but it’s not. Why not ask for sons winter clothes as well. Her daughter will have outgrown all her gear... kids ya know LOL...

Ideas... please.

[Whoad]

A) “Sure, send me the money and the address.”

Or

B) “Sure, send me the money and the address, I will pack it in a  box and get a weight for the money to be shipped, and then let you know the cost”

A or B folks or do you have option C

[Whoad]

C) Sure, I will get a box and get the items weighed for your cost of shipping them.  I will need your address to send to it to. I will email you later with the cost for you to pay for shipping.

[Skip]

Her: Can you send mine and “L”  snow gear... coats, boots etc? Asap please?
Conventional Response: Of course. Where shall I ship them?

Make it easy for her to respond.

You can then follow up with what she wants shipped.

You can decide on how to deal wit shipping later in the discussion.

Dialog if you can.

[Whoad]

Thank you skip... I sent what you wrote...

  I realize... —-yes a dialog needs to start to happen...

she doesn’t really need them, she can buy them, find them, get them somewhere else. She has not sent me money, will likely not send money, if it was that desperate she has other avenues.

It’s a contact email.  I did weigh the box, it’s about 9 lbs, but she has no way to get money to me ASAP... so her Emergency is not mine...  

[Whoad]

Well, a dialogue occurred.

I now have an address.
I checked postal prices, she inquired about me having an app for money for shipping through an phone app. I said I would research that. ( No)

I gave her options about service to send and cost and how long it would take. I stated it obviously would not get to her ASAP.

She responded she would send the money anyway, to ship as priority mail. As they are going north for Xmas... ( I knew this a month ago to the day... she had plenty of time to prepare)

I told her “please send a money order or cashier check and I will mail out the box.” Nada since.   

That’s it... the most contact I have had in several months. 

[Whoad]

I had a long talk with the Aunt today... the hated Aunt... my PwBPD has now this week also unblocked her on A Facebook. (2nd Account) —

I checked the Instagram account tonight per my Aunt and as of this evening it was still public... which again as this episode began it was blocked, made private for most of this episode, and then in the last month been opened periodically to public.  ( she normally kept it private for years and I was only a follower last year... ) (I am slow to take up new tech software)

My aunt had revealed info she didn’t disclose to me prior. and when I heard it was in direct conflict with what was told to me by Uncle and other Aunt... things and stories she told made no sense... she also stated that the ex wife of her new husband was causing all sorts of problem for them... not sure what it is about, but it will likely be money, child custody, and or general unhapiness... (all likely a projection and the Aunt believes she is playing her new husband in a pathological game of black and white thinking of his ex... ( she did it to me).

I have not looked at her pictures on Instagram... I don’t care, they are reflections of what she wants people to see, or for even me to pay attention to. Places to make me hurt, and I refuse.

I am resigned that the episode may go on for awhile. I love her, love the kids.  I am hurt and some days it hurts worse than others. Today, just to have a small dialogue and it didn’t seem to be loaded was ok... I am sure refusing to use an app set her off / maybe?

I am curious as to why they do things they do... blocking unblocking, opening accounts... random stupid contacts for thing not well planned out... ie email addresses email, property, etc... .oh well. Do some of you all insights as to wierd stuff...

[Whoad]

I received a response from her.

Quite lengthy- but she is not sending the money due to time constraints. Not enough time to get it sent. (Knew that would be the excuse)

She states the new mom in law  and sister in law are taking care of the needs for winter coat etc...
( hmm new marriage and you can’t buy your own winter clothes)

[Whoad]

Had a glitch—

She said what she said, and my response back to her to eliminate her continued not addressing and attack of her, “life drastically changed” “mother in law “ etc... was to simply state

Hope you have safe trip to “m” with your family, stay safe, and merry Xmas.

No reaction to her “new” family... it’s acknowledged-
She wants property, send money and list... her response in this last whole, email was the most communication I have had in 6 months...


That’s it... time will tell. I hate Xmas for so many other reasons, this one just adds on... what a long month...

[Whoad]

Her response back cam a few later...


Thanks, you too.

- clearly that took wind out of her sail.

I am in the know that her finances and his are trash, if outside family is paying for clothes. So whomever is footing the bills for this trip is gonna feel it.

This is the most contact since she left in June... I miss them.

Who knows what she will do next... but she is finding a reason to contact me. I don’t believe it is all roses, other people are financing  them... ( lack of money and freedom from that stress is a big trigger... )

So I wait and go do things for me. Still not split white.  Sigh.

[Whoad]

Just an update:

Uncle states he tried to say merry Xmas to her, and she refused to acknowledge though she was online, he said in another message to her I see you refuse to acknowledge your family so I will no longer contact you best of luck. She replied “cool”. It hurt him pretty bad. So he blocked her on FB and and her new man.

He said “she is so sick and evil”. ☹️

There is no one on her mothers side that ever wants to talk to her. They have said she is dead to them, kids or no kids... sad sad sad...

I have not heard from her since her contact about coats...

I have been told that she contacted her old employers and friended them on FB. She had previous deleted all contacts with people here about mid November...

I dreamt of her this morning... in non sex way... which is fine we talked about what she did and I listened to her story.( what is true what is not ) wierd dream.

I am moving on and I will deal with her when the time comes. She made her choices, and despite having BPD and the up/down of emotions day to day... she will have to figure out a way to talk to me.

I love L and A... with all my heart. I love her and still in love with her, and I’m hurt. I’m doing things for me. I am ignoring her Facebook and her Instagram. I have been for quite awhile.  Uncle and Aunts were telling me, but I asked them to not tell me, unless the kids are mentioned and in danger.

Again Just an update... new year coming, new choices, new life...