Stuck in a cycle of abuse.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So I have another thread with some more back story into all this. Essentially though, we found out the beginning of this month that the homeowners we rent from are selling our house and we have to be out by the 31st of December. Myself, SO, and 3 kids aged 4,14,17. So that's pretty rough in and of itself.

Since that though she's been having what she describes as anxiety attacks where she's actually fairly viciously attacked me. Screaming so hard she was literally frothing at the mouth. This past one a few days ago left me with some pain in my side after getting slammed into our stone hearth/chimney thing. Didn't think much of it until Friday morning when I woke up to her yelling and throwing things so me. I turned to avoid something and felt something pop along with excruciating pain. I thought it was a kidney stone so I went to the hospital. Turns out my ribs are broken on the side that hit the chimney. We found out the house we applied for fell through while we were there.

So naturally today didn't go well. Throwing my stuff out the window before I had to go into work. Started getting pretty violent too, then bent the windshield wiper to hell on the car when I was leaving. Then threatening to kill herself. The different thing last night that really makes l marked the escalation was when she actually threatened to kill me. That hasn't really happened before and I'm starting to get kinda scared.

She says she doesn't want to hurt me anymore  and just can't ever get to that point of anxiety again but she said that like two days ago. I try to take the highroad and not fan the flames at all but unless it's what she wants to hear I'm just being an A**hole and pushing her.

I am kind of scared to go home in 3 hours now that I'm thinking about it. The trigger is not having a home lined up and rentals are scarce. It's a bad situation. So I don't even know if there's a way to avoid this happening later today.

[Hovercow]

So I have another thread with some more back story into all this. Essentially though, we found out the beginning of this month that the homeowners we rent from are selling our house and we have to be out by the 31st of December. Myself, SO, and 3 kids aged 4,14,17. So that's pretty rough in and of itself.

Since that though she's been having what she describes as anxiety attacks where she's actually fairly viciously attacked me. Screaming so hard she was literally frothing at the mouth. This past one a few days ago left me with some pain in my side after getting slammed into our stone hearth/chimney thing. Didn't think much of it until Friday morning when I woke up to her yelling and throwing things so me. I turned to avoid something and felt something pop along with excruciating pain. I thought it was a kidney stone so I went to the hospital. Turns out my ribs are broken on the side that hit the chimney. We found out the house we applied for fell through while we were there.

So naturally today didn't go well. Throwing my stuff out the window before I had to go into work. Started getting pretty violent too, then bent the windshield wiper to hell on the car when I was leaving. Then threatening to kill herself. The different thing last night that really makes l marked the escalation was when she actually threatened to kill me. That hasn't really happened before and I'm starting to get kinda scared.

She says she doesn't want to hurt me anymore  and just can't ever get to that point of anxiety again but she said that like two days ago. I try to take the highroad and not fan the flames at all but unless it's what she wants to hear I'm just being an A**hole and pushing her.

I am kind of scared to go home in 3 hours now that I'm thinking about it. The trigger is not having a home lined up and rentals are scarce. It's a bad situation. So I don't even know if there's a way to avoid this happening later today.

[patientandclear]

Hello—I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. She may have BPD, but whatever the underlying cause, this is not a situation you and your kids should be exposed to, and she is unlikely to suddenly cease the behavior.

It sounds like there are probably financial pressures which make running separate households daunting, but are there interim steps that could create some separation and prevent you all from having these traumatic experiences due to her inability to handle her emotions without punishing you? Do you have family in the area; does she? Can one of you stay elsewhere to get some space to re-assess?

I lived through similar sounding abuse. Eventually I left, and when I look back, I see that I was under the misimpression that I could do something to change the dynamic or make it stop. I now wish I’d left years earlier for both our sakes. Allowing this to normalize is very damaging to anything good that might remain between you, and to you individually.

I also can’t stress enough that it’s damaging to the kids to see it or understand that it’s happening (to the point of one parent having to go to the hospital!) and then that there is a second layer of impact if the non-abusive parent doesn’t take whatever steps are necessary to prevent the abuse from continuing. Please find a way to take the necessary steps. It sounds like logistically it may be super hard, and that is where so many get stuck; but just imagine that, just like your landlord informed you you have to move, some external authority informed tou that you two need to live apart. What would you do?

I get the feeling you weren’t thinking of leaving, but if you do shift to exploring that, because of the kid custody issues, consulting a good lawyer about how to protect the kids with emergency orders due to the history of abuse is important. You may need to make a police report too, which helps with credibility of these allegations, but may have dramatic consequences if you live in a mandatory arrest DV state.There is a legal board where these dynamics are explored in more detail.

You have broken bones and are scared to go home. You have three kids who need you to react to that situation by solving it so that does not repeat. Please don’t assume that staying is viable for you or for them. All abuse has a “reason” but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t do tremendous harm.

 

[Hovercow]

It sounds like there are probably financial pressures which make running separate households daunting, but are there interim steps that could create some separation and prevent you all from having these traumatic experiences due to her inability to handle her emotions without punishing you? Do you have family in the area; does she? Can one of you stay elsewhere to get some space to re-assess?

Yes financial strains are definitely a major issue as well as part of the conflict. We were just denied for a rental house based on credit and that's just completely throwing her off kilter. We just tried a month at septate places as well but couldn't take full advantage of it as we're out in the country and down to 1 car. Her family won't let her stay with them and I don't really want to, but that could be an option. Although I think I'm just going to look for a place without her at this point.

"You may need to make a police report too, which helps with credibility of these allegations, but may have dramatic consequences if you live in a mandatory arrest DV state.There is a legal board where these dynamics are explored in more detail."

I had her arrested almost exactly a year ago for assault, which was just dismissed earlier this month. I've got videos and pictures of just about everything since last December and those are all backed up online. I've been hesitant to call because I do live in a mandatory arrest state, I am afraid of the repercussions from CPS, and jail is not going to do anything good for her most likely just push her over the edge.

"You have broken bones and are scared to go home. You have three kids who need you to react to that situation by solving it so that does not repeat. Please don’t assume that staying is viable for you or for them. All abuse has a “reason” but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t do tremendous harm."

Thank you for the push in this direction. I am very worried about her not surviving this, but I need to stop being selfish and make some hard decisions. I am kind of scared of her reaction though. I started bringing this up earlier but had to quickly back down to avoid a confrontation. Almost immediately she got up into the doorway to prevent me from leaving the room and going to work. I'm fairly good at reading her body language and moods there's no doubt in my mind it would have gone further south very quickly.

I just don't know what chance I have at a place big enough for me and all the kids, not just my son and myself. I need to talk with CPS about what help they can give me. I know they would be supportive of my decision at least. I spent most of October really working with them and we were making progress until she came back. Now everyone is back to operating under the ":)on't piss mom off" rules. They actually questioned me about it last week asking week I was so down compared to a month earlier where I was starting to get some self esteem back. I just kind played it off as being upset about the housing situation.

I think part of my depression is that what she does goes against everything I was raised to believe, but I constantly compromise my beliefs because I love her and have this misguided hope she's going to actually change. It's hard because I think she really does want to change, and she tries, but it always ends up with her blaming someone else for her behavior. "Well people just need to not push me to my breaking point" is the usual response I get, like it's everyone else's responsibility to make sure she doesn't fly off the handle and get abusive. I'm having a lot of trouble distinguishing what is truth, and what is being said to me purely from a survival standpoint on her part.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Hovercow, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, which sounds incredibly stressful.  It seems to me that you have two primary issues: finding housing for your family, and figuring out whether your marriage is salvageable.  Does that sum it up?  The first is do-able and seems like the priority; the second may need to go on the back burner for now, though it's an issue that won't go away and will require serious thought on your part.  To me, the violence and abuse on the part of your W is unacceptable.  You have broken ribs, right?  You can't go on like this, needless to say.

LuckyJim

[Hovercow]

Hey Hovercow, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, which sounds incredibly stressful.  It seems to me that you have two primary issues: finding housing for your family, and figuring out whether your marriage is salvageable.  Does that sum it up?  The first is do-able and seems like the priority; the second may need to go on the back burner for now, though it's an issue that won't go away and will require serious thought on your part.  To me, the violence and abuse on the part of your W is unacceptable.  You have broken ribs, right?  You can't go on like this, needless to say.

LuckyJim

Yes quite adequately sums it up actually... .We'll get something lined up I know but the market it pretty bad. I know she won't tolerate apartments well at ALL. So I expect to escalate.

In regards to sudden change in behavior, I told her simply we couldn't be together. So after 7 hours or so beging, pleading, blaming, screaming, whatever... .Starts with the super validation... .
Then almost like flipping a switch, stops that and says there won't be any more craziness from her... .Then starts telling me that she gets impulses to be erratic "not a voice but something inside that tells me to do crazy s***. When I give in, it escalates and I can't stop." Then was almost a different person the rest of the conversation... .Says something changed in her. Is this just a survival mechanism? This is the first time anything close to "voices inside" has come up in 7 years... .Kinda freaked out.

[formflier]

Can you tell us more about how/why charges were dismissed? (from the prior assault)

I see somewhere you made a judgment that Jail wouldn't do her any good.  What do you base that judgment on?

Big picture:  It appears that pwBPD have not fully matured in some sort of emotional way.  Life experience helps people mature.  "Saving" people from experiencing the natural and logical outcomes of their choices seems to "short circuit" the maturing process.  pwBPD need to mature.  Therefore... .let pwBPD experience life.

Hopefully you followed the thinking.

FF

[Hovercow]

Can you tell us more about how/why charges were dismissed? (from the prior assault)

I see somewhere you made a judgment that Jail wouldn't do her any good.  What do you base that judgment on?

Big picture:  It appears that pwBPD have not fully matured in some sort of emotional way.  Life experience helps people mature.  "Saving" people from experiencing the natural and logical outcomes of their choices seems to "short circuit" the maturing process.  pwBPD need to mature.  Therefore... .let pwBPD experience life.

Hopefully you followed the thinking.

FF

Charges were dismissed because the courts minimized the event and the impact it had. They allowed her to take some online anger management course. She just did the tests in two nights and passed without doing any of the reading or anything else.

I do follow your thinking, and I base that on the jails being absolutely horrible, at least around here. Having been in there myself, I don't see the benefit to someone with a mental illness. But that's another topic for another day... .

[babyducks]

Hi Hovercow,

How is it going for you today?   How are you feeling?

Any progress on the housing situation?

'ducks

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Hovercow,

I'm very saddened to hear of the escalation in behaviour you're dealing with. Did you get in touch with the local domestic abuse support services after we spoke last? I'm in the UK and different services may offer different support, but you may well find that emergency housing where you need to escape violence are within their parameters. There are many shelters and residential communities set up for this purpose. Two birds Hovercow.

It's imperative in an out of control situation that you control what you can, which is yourself and your own actions. I know how wearing all this can be and you may need to dig deep to make things better for yourself and the kids. For all of you. Having a safety plan in place can make such a huge difference, as I found in my own experience. Please find all the support available in your area and check out national schemes. There is unfortunately a good chance that behaviour like this may only worsen.  Yourself and the children need to be safe first and foremost.  Professionals who work with cases like yours daily can help you to exit safely in a planned way if that is your intention as a safeguarding measure. You could use all the support you can get. They may also be able to provide you with counselling, which is something that would be really helpful for you, as you know.

Let us know how you're doing.

Love and light x

[Hovercow]

Hi Hovercow,

How is it going for you today?   How are you feeling?

Any progress on the housing situation?

'ducks

Hi there, thanks for checking in. Things are kind of in an upswing at the moment. We found a house but it's been a bit of a roller coaster .

So about two weeks ago I got in touch with an old friend and it kind of kicked everything in a new direction. After talking with her non stop for about 2 days, I realized I forgot what it was too feel happy and had to end things with her.

So I did, and it went much worse than I expected. I was not prepared for that level of devastation and couldn't go through with it. I think it was finally the wake up call for her that was needed because the last week and a half have been going very well. Things feel more like the first couple years together. I know it can be dangerous to fall back into the honeymoon phase but I think we're being careful not to. We're actually talking about the hard stuff and I feel seen more as an equal. We also have a LMHP coming to the house 1-2 days a week to work with the family, primarily her, and she has been teniously cooperative with them. She actually is trying, and not just trying to jump through hoops, because she's smart enough to just do that if she wants.

So the long and short of it things seem to be on the mend and I'm cautiously optimistic.

[Cat Familiar]

Good that you're being mindful about the honeymoon phase, and it sounds like she's had a wakeup call indeed. I'm glad it's moving in a positive direction.