Broke up but feeling terrible, cant stop thinking about her suffering, emptiness

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello guys, i am new to the forum.
Few months ago i found out that the girl i have dated for almost 5 years (and broke up 2 days ago), is probably a BPD and i actually read many things in this forum about it.
She has problems with anger and is very insecure, jealous, lies about things and so on, but lack some other symptoms.
She did improve over the years, when we started she would even beat me for not controling her anger, but nowadays she actually manages to not touch me and most of the time actually apologizes after few minutes for her anger.
You can really tell that i mean the world to her, she does anything for me but her mistakes over the years made me unhappy and i ended up breaking up with her 2 days ago after she once again lied about going to college, she is really lazy and immature.

Problem is that i just cant stand her suffering, she cant stop crying and begging me to come back. I can see the despair in her words and texts, i imagine her feeling her world falling apart and i simply dont want her to suffer, i cant stand it because i still love her and want to take care of her in a way, but i know our relation is just getting worse and lacking any trust.

What can i do? Has anyone here ever suffered because of the ex girlfrieds grief?

I also wonder if she even really has BPD or if things started to fall apart quickly just because i thought she is a BPD... .

I am sorry for my poor english

[Breakupain]

Hello guys, i am new to the forum.
Few months ago i found out that the girl i have dated for almost 5 years (and broke up 2 days ago), is probably a BPD and i actually read many things in this forum about it.
She has problems with anger and is very insecure, jealous, lies about things and so on, but lack some other symptoms.
She did improve over the years, when we started she would even beat me for not controling her anger, but nowadays she actually manages to not touch me and most of the time actually apologizes after few minutes for her anger.
You can really tell that i mean the world to her, she does anything for me but her mistakes over the years made me unhappy and i ended up breaking up with her 2 days ago after she once again lied about going to college, she is really lazy and immature.

Problem is that i just cant stand her suffering, she cant stop crying and begging me to come back. I can see the despair in her words and texts, i imagine her feeling her world falling apart and i simply dont want her to suffer, i cant stand it because i still love her and want to take care of her in a way, but i know our relation is just getting worse and lacking any trust.

What can i do? Has anyone here ever suffered because of the ex girlfrieds grief?

I also wonder if she even really has BPD or if things started to fall apart quickly just because i thought she is a BPD... .

I am sorry for my poor english

[Breakupain]

Oh, i forgot about something... .she took some of her mothers medicines "so she would forget" and ended up in the hospital and is being treated as suicidal although she never looked depressed or thought about suicide when we were together

please help

[hope2727]

I'm sorry that you are enduring this. There are many wonderful people where to support you. Please take careful care of yourself. There are many great lessons posted the right hand side of the board. That might be a great place to start. Meanwhile keep reading and keep posting.

[No-One]

Hi Breakupain:
I'm sorry about what you are going through.  Break ups are painful and I don't think its unusual to feel empathy or sympathy for how a break up affects a partner.

I also wonder if she even really has BPD or if things started to fall apart quickly just because i thought she is a BPD... .

It's common for people to have a few traits of BPD.  It's only when there are a certain number of the traits, that the diagnosis could be made.  Even then, it's somewhat subjective.  BPD rarely stands alone.  Usually there are other mental illnesses involved. (anxiety, depression, bipolar, PTSD, ADD/ADHD, OCD, etc.)

You might choose to look at it from the prospective that she had certain traits that you found unacceptable in a partner.  (i.e. lies, lazy, immature, anger issues and is jealous).  It's a healthy person who can recognize that they can't rescue or fix someone.  Many people posting on this website aren't necessarily dealing with partners with official BPD diagnoses, they are dealing with the collection of specific BPD traits their partner has.

Oh, i forgot about something... .she took some of her mothers medicines "so she would forget" and ended up in the hospital and is being treated as suicidal although she never looked depressed or thought about suicide when we were together

Suicide or self harming are BPD traits.  This isn't something you should feel guilty about, or that you caused.  Some people can be silent when they think about suicide, while others make threats about suicide to try and get a partner back.  People with BPD or BPD traits can many times do things spontaneously.  Just as with angry outbursts, they can get an idea about suicide and act upon it rather spontaneously.

[Breakupain]

Thanks for the support guys

You might choose to look at it from the prospective that she had certain traits that you found unacceptable in a partner.  (i.e. lies, lazy, immature, anger issues and is jealous).  It's a healthy person who can recognize that they can't rescue or fix someone.  Many people posting on this website aren't necessarily dealing with partners with official BPD diagnoses, they are dealing with the collection of specific BPD traits their partner has.

I actually do find some of her traits unacceptable but i just cant stop wanting the best for her, to take care of her.
I see her like some sort of baby which needs to be taken care of and i know she is too immature for this world, her mother is a depressed alcoholic obese person who is also very immature and her father left her mother before she was even born. Im pretty sure she wont finish college without my support.
Also i am pretty sure that i am needy in some kind of pathological way besides from being very anxious... .she has been my ground for many years... .im living the worst days of my life... .

[No-One]

Breakupain:

I actually do find some of her traits unacceptable but i just cant stop wanting the best for her, to take care of her.  I see her like some sort of baby which needs to be taken care of and i know she is too immature for this world, her mother is a depressed alcoholic obese person who is also very immature and her father left her mother before she was even born. Im pretty sure she wont finish college without my support.

It sounds like her mother is self-medicating with alcohol and perhaps food.  Prior to the suicide attempt, was your girlfriend getting any counseling/therapy and/or on any meds for anxiety or depression?

Have you taken on a caretaker role for someone else in the past?

Also i am pretty sure that i am needy in some kind of pathological way besides from being very anxious... .she has been my ground for many years... .im living the worst days of my life... .

In what way has she been "your ground for many years"? 

Have you tried any healthy ways to try to manage your anxiety?  Perhaps exercise, meditation or mindfulness, breathing exercises, hobbies, etc.?

IT sounds like you could be dealing with some FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt). Some counseling for you might be helpful for anxiety management and to help in decision making about your girlfriend.  You sound like you may regret the breakup.  It could help to talk things over with a professional - FOG versus the reasons why you broke up in the first place, her being your ground versus you being her caretaker. 

 

[Breakupain]

Breakupain:
It sounds like her mother is self-medicating with alcohol and perhaps food.

She totally is.
Mental illness runs strong in her family, she takes many psychoactive medicines, including quetiapine, which my ex took 8 pills and ended up in hospital.

Prior to the suicide attempt, was your girlfriend getting any counseling/therapy and/or on any meds for anxiety or depression?

She started therapy like one week ago, and for a long time has been taking valproate which i can clearly see that helps her with the anger. She never really looked depressed, i asked her about emptiness and she also didnt think she had it.

Have you taken on a caretaker role for someone else in the past?

I dont think so

In what way has she been "your ground for many years"?  

Im sorry, maybe this is some brazilian expression... .
Its like a safe haven, i knew i could always get home and express my feelings to someone, to feel loved and even able to display my inner child to her without she ever judge or doubt me.

Have you tried any healthy ways to try to manage your anxiety?  Perhaps exercise, meditation or mindfulness, breathing exercises, hobbies, etc.?

I am pretty sure i do have GAD, i used to take medicines but i feared it was making me apathetic... .i feel like its better to suffer than to be anesthetized. I study alot (engineering college) and its sometimes hard to exercice.

IT sounds like you could be dealing with some FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt). Some counseling for you might be helpful for anxiety management and to help in decision making about your girlfriend.  You sound like you may regret the breakup.  It could help to talk things over with a professional - FOG versus the reasons why you broke up in the first place, her being your ground versus you being her caretaker.  

Its possible... .
Im regreting already but deep inside i know there are things that wont change... .
I guess what makes it harder is that i broke up with her but still have strong feelings for her.
I kind of used another of her mistakes as a fast excuse to do the break up, but after the anger is gone it doesnt feel right... .


Also im pretty confuse, looking at another breakup topics here it feels like mine is so different, many BPDs are the ones to dump the partner after some kind of devaluation running in their heads, many say that the BPD doent care while my ex just cant stop calling, texting and begging

[Lady Itone]

I hear you, and am feeling similarly.

I just broke up (again) with my beautiful girlfriend of 2 years who has traits of BPD, bipolar, and adhd. My friends want her out of my life they're sick of hearing about the crazy crap she does, I know a relationship with so much craziness and conflict is no good for me. But I feel awful, empty, lonely, especially with holidays coming fast. I'm still thinking about asking her to spend Thanksgiving with me, as neither of us have family nearby to be with.

I miss her so much, I fantasize about our sex, I worry about her. She hasn't stopped contacting me, and she sounds/seem ok, so I'm proud of her for that, no word-salad texts or desperate pleas. I know she really loves me and wants to be with me, and that makes it so hard to stay strong and keep low-contact. But I can't take on responsibility for both our financial and emotional well-being, and until she learns how to hold up her own end, it's just going to end with me feeling angry, neglected, and resentful.

Hang in there. She survived before you came along, and likely she will after.

[No-One]

Breakupain:

Mental illness runs strong in her family. . .She started therapy like one week ago, and for a long time has been taking valproate which i can clearly see that helps her with the anger. She never really looked depressed, i asked her about emptiness and she also didnt think she had it.     

Valproate is primarily used to treat epilepsy and bipolar disorder.  Perhaps she has had a diagnosis of bipolar?  You indicate that mental illness runs strong in her family.  That is something to consider if you were to father a child with her.

Medication alone rarely fixes someone.  Medication can set the stage to learn coping skills that different forms of interactive therapy can provide (i.e. DBT, Cognative and some other types)

Its like a safe haven, i knew i could always get home and express my feelings to someone, to feel loved and even able to display my inner child to her without she ever judge or doubt me.     

That is a good trait and certainly valuable.  Is she your first love?

I am pretty sure i do have GAD, i used to take medicines but i feared it was making me apathetic... .i feel like its better to suffer than to be anesthetized. I study alot (engineering college) and its sometimes hard to exercice.     

Some antidepressants are used for anxiety.  It's possible to find one with a minimum of side effects and possibly getting a benefit from a very low dose. The meds that work as a sedative aren't good to take routinely (only on occasion and after trying alternatives).  Does your school offer some counseling services?

The link below leads to a self-help website that uses DBT therapy.  The exercises there can be helpful for anyone, and especially helpful for people with BPD traits, anxiety and other disorders.  The specific link leads directly to a helpful mental exercise to try.  You can check out other areas of the website.  There is a lot of helpful mental exercises to try and ways to manage emotions and anxiety.

www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/improve_the_moment_worksheet.html

You sound busy, but small measures of exercise can help.  It can be be a 20-30 minute walk or run  (between classes), or some exercises at home with some free weights and a Youtube video (perhaps some circuit training) You don't have to set aside hours of time.  Also, get out in the sunlight.  Adequate sunlight can help with depression and anxiety disorders.

I kind of used another of her mistakes as a fast excuse to do the break up, but after the anger is gone it doesnt feel right... .

Try writing out your thoughts about this situation.  Right now, it will be just for you.  You can type it on the computer or hand write it.  Get your thoughts out.  Perhaps put it in letter form, as if you were going to send her a letter to explain how you feel.  Hold onto this, after you write it.  You can decide what you want to do with it at some later date.  Let some time pass.  You might later decide to send some form of it to her, or you may decide to take a copy of it and destoy it in some way. 

Also im pretty confuse, looking at another breakup topics here it feels like mine is so different, many BPDs are the ones to dump the partner after some kind of devaluation running in their heads, many say that the BPD doent care while my ex just cant stop calling, texting and begging     

If you read enough posts (and on various boards), you will see two extremes. There is the "silent treatment" and no communication and then the other extreme of a huge number of calls, texts, emails, etc.  Both extremes are common.

[Breakupain]

I hear you, and am feeling similarly.

I just broke up (again) with my beautiful girlfriend of 2 years who has traits of BPD, bipolar, and adhd. My friends want her out of my life they're sick of hearing about the crazy crap she does, I know a relationship with so much craziness and conflict is no good for me. But I feel awful, empty, lonely, especially with holidays coming fast. I'm still thinking about asking her to spend Thanksgiving with me, as neither of us have family nearby to be with.

I miss her so much, I fantasize about our sex, I worry about her. She hasn't stopped contacting me, and she sounds/seem ok, so I'm proud of her for that, no word-salad texts or desperate pleas. I know she really loves me and wants to be with me, and that makes it so hard to stay strong and keep low-contact. But I can't take on responsibility for both our financial and emotional well-being, and until she learns how to hold up her own end, it's just going to end with me feeling angry, neglected, and resentful.

Hang in there. She survived before you came along, and likely she will after.

Thanks for the support Itone
I see you also have feelings for your ex... .
Its just hard when their mistakes are not enough to convince our hearts... .
Yours seem to be more mature, probably its a good thing.
In my case, can you imagine your ex holding a huge teddy bear you gave her while she is endlessly crying and you just have to be strong and keep telling her that she must leave? i had tears in my eyes but she didnt see

[Breakupain]

Breakupain:Valproate is primarily used to treat epilepsy and bipolar disorder.  Perhaps she has had a diagnosis of bipolar?  You indicate that mental illness runs strong in her family.  That is something to consider if you were to father a child with her.

True, thats another thing that keeps me thinking.

Medication alone rarely fixes someone.  Medication can set the stage to learn coping skills that different forms of interactive therapy can provide (i.e. DBT, Cognative and some other types)
That is a good trait and certainly valuable.  Is she your first love?

First serious one, yes... .and that also makes me think alot

Some antidepressants are used for anxiety.  It's possible to find one with a minimum of side effects and possibly getting a benefit from a very low dose. The meds that work as a sedative aren't good to take routinely (only on occasion and after trying alternatives).  Does your school offer some counseling services?

Unfortunately there are few conselors for many people in need, i cant be helped there but i do have health insurance.

The link below leads to a self-help website that uses DBT therapy.  The exercises there can be helpful for anyone, and especially helpful for people with BPD traits, anxiety and other disorders.  The specific link leads directly to a helpful mental exercise to try.  You can check out other areas of the website.  There is a lot of helpful mental exercises to try and ways to manage emotions and anxiety.

www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/improve_the_moment_worksheet.html

You sound busy, but small measures of exercise can help.  It can be be a 20-30 minute walk or run  (between classes), or some exercises at home with some free weights and a Youtube video (perhaps some circuit training) You don't have to set aside hours of time.  Also, get out in the sunlight.  Adequate sunlight can help with depression and anxiety disorders.

Thank you for the advice!

Try writing out your thoughts about this situation.  Right now, it will be just for you.  You can type it on the computer or hand write it.  Get your thoughts out.  Perhaps put it in letter form, as if you were going to send her a letter to explain how you feel.  Hold onto this, after you write it.  You can decide what you want to do with it at some later date.  Let some time pass.  You might later decide to send some form of it to her, or you may decide to take a copy of it and destoy it in some way.

I did send her an email yesterday, thats the only thing i sent her because im trying to be strong on the NC.
I described some of my feelings and that im sorry for her suffering, but also made the mistake to be honest and tell her that i want to be close to her but i cant do it, her following messages show that she got some hope out of it.

If you read enough posts (and on various boards), you will see two extremes. There is the "silent treatment" and no communication and then the other extreme of a huge number of calls, texts, emails, etc.  Both extremes are common.

Oh i see... .maybe i just want to convince myself that my case is different

[No-One]

 Breakupain:

Unfortunately there are few conselors for many people in need, i cant be helped there but i do have health insurance.

If your insurance will pay for most of it, consider some therapy.  You could look at it as an opportunity to address both your anxiety issues and your breakup.  You might go into it with some goals in mind. People with an anxiety disorder generally need to learn healthy ways to manage it, so as NOT to lean on unhealthy coping methods.

You are young and the decisions you make now will steer the course of your life. You have to think beyond decisions that will please someone else.  Those decisions can be difficult to work through.  A professional can help guide you.

[Lady Itone]

In my case, can you imagine your ex holding a huge teddy bear you gave her while she is endlessly crying and you just have to be strong and keep telling her that she must leave? i had tears in my eyes but she didnt see

Ouch, that made me tear up a little. Yes, mine holding out a carton of my favorite ice cream, looking so beaten down and pathetic. I'm demanding she leave, while my heart is breaking.