Raised by a single mom with BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm not even sure how to start... I'm 22 going on 23 and pretty recently found out that my mom has BPD. She hasn't been diagnosed, she never will be, because she will never seek help or acknowledge how she hurts others, especially her family. I have been in therapy since I was in high school because of depression, issues with my abusive alcoholic dad who lived 12 hours away since I was 7, and just a whole load of other carp. It wasn't until I found my current therapist, a year and a half ago, that I actually started seeing a light at the end of the tunnel,  she helped me worked through so many traumas and finally helped me to reach the epiphany of my mother's disorder.  I'm so relieved to find out that I'm not just crazy and horrible like my mother always convinced me. She has a way of twisting things to make you feel guilty and crazy for being a human being. I'm relieved to find out there's a reason behind my agony and that I can heal. I am also extremely angry, hurt, and scared. It's a lot to take in and I'm processing very erratically.  I keep noticing learned or taught behaviors that resemble my mother's BPD behavior and it makes me feel sick to think that I could ever be cold, passive aggressive, explosive, or selfish like her. I know I am not that person because somewhere deep I side me I can feel the real me, the me that I was never allowed to show at home because I would be punished emotionally or verbally. This is such a hard thing to explain to any one who hasn't experienced it so I'm coming here in hopes of realizing that I'm not completely alone and not crazy for feeling all these things. Thank you for reading.

[Scoobydoo3]

I'm not even sure how to start... I'm 22 going on 23 and pretty recently found out that my mom has BPD. She hasn't been diagnosed, she never will be, because she will never seek help or acknowledge how she hurts others, especially her family. I have been in therapy since I was in high school because of depression, issues with my abusive alcoholic dad who lived 12 hours away since I was 7, and just a whole load of other carp. It wasn't until I found my current therapist, a year and a half ago, that I actually started seeing a light at the end of the tunnel,  she helped me worked through so many traumas and finally helped me to reach the epiphany of my mother's disorder.  I'm so relieved to find out that I'm not just crazy and horrible like my mother always convinced me. She has a way of twisting things to make you feel guilty and crazy for being a human being. I'm relieved to find out there's a reason behind my agony and that I can heal. I am also extremely angry, hurt, and scared. It's a lot to take in and I'm processing very erratically.  I keep noticing learned or taught behaviors that resemble my mother's BPD behavior and it makes me feel sick to think that I could ever be cold, passive aggressive, explosive, or selfish like her. I know I am not that person because somewhere deep I side me I can feel the real me, the me that I was never allowed to show at home because I would be punished emotionally or verbally. This is such a hard thing to explain to any one who hasn't experienced it so I'm coming here in hopes of realizing that I'm not completely alone and not crazy for feeling all these things. Thank you for reading.

[Turkish]

Hi Scoob,

It sounds like you've made great progress with your T.

What's the contact situation with your mother?

I am also the only child of a single mother with BPD (and PTSD and depression).

How to you get therapy in high school,  did your mother send you there?

I hope to hear more and how we can help support you.   

Turkish

[Scoobydoo3]

I have an older brother, but he doesn't acknowledge emotional issues within the family, he chooses to keep all his emotions in a box and doesn't believe we need therapy which is totally ok but it feels so lonely. My ended up sending me to therapy with friends of hers, I was spinning out of control, mental breakdowns, wishing to die, and in some way she knew I needed help but that she couldn't provide it. She blamed my issues on my Dad, who I only visited during the summers. He's an alcoholic and he would text me non stop for hours saying really horrible things when he was on a binge.  I thought that if I worked through my issues with my dad (which thankfully I mostly have) that all my problems would go away, but it turned out that my mom was a big part of it. I feel guilty sometimes because she has tried to help me in her own ways. I currently live with her, I moved back in a couple months ago to go to school, I quickly realized I needed a plan to make more money so that I could live on my own while I go to school. Living with her is seriously draining and I feel like the progress is harder to make.  I think she has narcissism as well as depression and ptsd.

Do you struggle with anxiety and ptsd as well? I think anxiety is common in children who have parents with BPD.

[Turkish]

I moved out 28 years ago. 2 years ago,  I brought my mother to live with me and my little kids.  Sometimes it was OK,  until I broke down in the chemical lab at work, crying in frustration, (I'm not a crier, my mom broke me of that decades ago, I thought). I realized the burden I'd taken on,  but as my T said,  "your home is not a hospital,  and that's what your mom needs." That was so validating... .

Given that you are living with your mom,  it sounds like you need the tools in the lessons at the top of the board.  That you came her to reach out to others demonstrates that you have the strength to push through this. 

So many children of BPD feel lost on their parents emotions,  and this goes towards stepping out into our own identities, as of we are fearful to do so,  not previously knowing anything else.  You don't know what you don't know. 

I imagine it's so much harder living under the same roof again... .

[Scoobydoo3]

I think it was very brave and kind of you to bring your mother into your home, but I'm glad your T was able to validate that she needed professional care. I think we always try so hard to what's kind and right to help others, often forgetting our own needs. I'm definitely struggling with my identity as I learn to be my own person, it feels so weird that I am allowed to have my own feelings and thoughts. It's overwhelming.

[zemara]

I'm so relieved to find out that I'm not just crazy and horrible like my mother always convinced me. She has a way of twisting things to make you feel guilty and crazy for being a human being.

YES. I know exactly what you mean, I grew up with the same. It took me a LONG time to see it for what it was, and it’s still a work in progress undoing the emotional reactions that get triggered by her (even when I cognitively know better!).

Have you checked out the childhood abuse survivor’s guide, on the right hand column of the page? I found it really really helpful when I was first starting to process a lot of this. #6 in particular really resonated with me: “I can respect my shame and anger as a consequence of my abuse, but shall try not to turn it against myself or others.” I keep that in a note on my phone, along with a bunch of other quotes from this board, that I look at when I need the reminders.

I feel guilty sometimes because she has tried to help me in her own ways.

That’s been tough for me, too: reconciling the ways I know my mother has cared for me and been good to me, with knowing the real weight of the damage she’s done, also. I don’t think there are any easy answers to how to do it. It helps me to frame it as, there’s no one in this world who is all good or all bad; people are confusing and complex and can hold a lot of contradictory things within them. I try to make room for myself to be angry about the things that were wrong, and not make apologies for them; while also acknowledging the good and looking at at least those parts with love.

I think anxiety is common in children who have parents with BPD.

Definitely true, for me at least. It’s gotten a lot better as I’ve worked through a lot of my mom issues.

[bright_future_mama]

I keep noticing learned or taught behaviors that resemble my mother's BPD behavior and it makes me feel sick to think that I could ever be cold, passive aggressive, explosive, or selfish like her. I know I am not that person because somewhere deep I side me I can feel the real me, the me that I was never allowed to show at home because I would be punished emotionally or verbally.

Oh wow do I know this feeling!  I worry all the time that I'm a BP because I was raised by one.  If I do something that reminds me of her, I panic.  I realize it is just learned behavior and I'm working on it.  My therapist says that the fact that I'm worried that I'm a borderline proves I'm not... .

[Turkish]

I think it was very brave and kind of you to bring your mother into your home, but I'm glad your T was able to validate that she needed professional care. I think we always try so hard to what's kind and right to help others, often forgetting our own needs. I'm definitely struggling with my identity as I learn to be my own person, it feels so weird that I am allowed to have my own feelings and thoughts. It's overwhelming.

This is so true.  So I'll ask the question that others ask of me,  "what do you do to take care of yourself?"

[Scoobydoo3]

My therapist says the same thing, we have insight into our own behavior which proves that we can change it.


And honestly I haven't been doing much to care for myself lately other than therapy and setting a couple school/ career goals. I need to start working out and eating healthy.

[Turkish]

And honestly I haven't been doing much to care for myself lately other than therapy and setting a couple school/ career goals. I need to start working out and eating healthy.

Me too!

I've been made weak by time and fate,  but I need to find the will. 

[Scoobydoo3]

It's so hard at first! It's so important though! The more we love ourselves the better we can love those around us!