hi Chemgirl, and
im with Tattered Heart here when it comes to how to approach this talk.
ordinarily, most people would be inclined to explain this away, after all, you have no interest in this guy, and you were taking your partners feelings into account, trying not to hide anything.
people with BPD traits react strongly based on feelings. if you JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain), its going to put you on the defensive, and in his eyes that will just make you look guilty (or be a dismissal of his feelings).
try to get at what is driving the reaction, the feelings behind it. that is something you can validate.
of course he may press for some level of explanation, you dont want to stonewall or refuse to discuss it, you just dont want to take bait and fall into a circular argument. in this case SET can work really well.
bottom line, he primarily wants to be heard and to know you appreciate his concerns/feelings. listen with empathy (
https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy). validate the valid, dont validate the invalid, and in general, dont be invalidating.
Sometimes he says we need to talk about something and then it never comes about - I hope this does. With my guy, however, if he is too uncomfortable and I push... .he shuts down hard. I am hoping to talk this weekend. We need to.
i think youre right not to push too hard on this. on some level he may feel that hes overreacting, which feels embarrassing, and he might prefer to drop it. id let him come to you on his time, but make it known you are available to talk and ready to listen. if you sense hed prefer to let it go, id let it go.