Feeling really down lately

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I haven't posted much in the past while but lately my brain is working to much. I've been feeling down and down on my self. 3 years in, xw and her BF are still going strong and getting stronger, she just threw a big bday party for her BF and his family was there as well as hers. Xw and I weren't together 9 months when she started unleashing her horrid emotional abuse on me and daily abuse of my family on me. Life in our home was the most awful experience of my life but she has done a complete 360 in every area of her life and has completely changed.
  In the past, I posted about xw hate for my family especially my sister and last year xw's harassment of my sister turned to physical violence so xw is not allowed to come in any contact with my sister or follow or harass my sister in any way. Tonight I was pulling out of a parking lot and xw drove by I pulled out behind her and was heading to my sisters for supper and xw was ahead of me the whole way. What is wrong with xw? We don't want her in our lives in any way, she is ordered to stay clear of my sister and her house but tonight there she was, way out of her way to drive by my sisters house. I told my sister and she said xw drives past everyday. This means everyday xw goes out of her way to drive by my sisters house, xw even drives by my house and that is way off the beaten path for her.

[bus boy]

I haven't posted much in the past while but lately my brain is working to much. I've been feeling down and down on my self. 3 years in, xw and her BF are still going strong and getting stronger, she just threw a big bday party for her BF and his family was there as well as hers. Xw and I weren't together 9 months when she started unleashing her horrid emotional abuse on me and daily abuse of my family on me. Life in our home was the most awful experience of my life but she has done a complete 360 in every area of her life and has completely changed.
  In the past, I posted about xw hate for my family especially my sister and last year xw's harassment of my sister turned to physical violence so xw is not allowed to come in any contact with my sister or follow or harass my sister in any way. Tonight I was pulling out of a parking lot and xw drove by I pulled out behind her and was heading to my sisters for supper and xw was ahead of me the whole way. What is wrong with xw? We don't want her in our lives in any way, she is ordered to stay clear of my sister and her house but tonight there she was, way out of her way to drive by my sisters house. I told my sister and she said xw drives past everyday. This means everyday xw goes out of her way to drive by my sisters house, xw even drives by my house and that is way off the beaten path for her.

[Emotions]

What makes you think she's done a 360? From what I understand she may have changed her dynamics, meaning some of her activities or way of speaking, and possibly even her likes and dislikes... .however someone with BPD still has a void that needs constant attention, and this boyfriend of hers is most likely not getting off unscathed... .

[Turkish]

I haven't posted much in the past while but lately my brain is working to much. I've been feeling down and down on my self. 3 years in, xw and her BF are still going strong and getting stronger, she just threw a big bday party for her BF and his family was there as well as hers. path f

That she's still seemingly obsessed with your sister is one thing,  but is what I highlighted above the main reason you've been feeling down?

[bus boy]

Yes Turkish I feel it is. I struggle so hard how she despised me, tore everything about me apart, said such nasty things, never showed affection, made it very clear how much she didn't want me in her life. I've posted on this topic a lot but still can't get over what xw did and how she did it with such pride, such a smile on her face and turn around and completely and totally 100% deny everything. I hate talking to xw but I had to yesterday and she pushed me to far and I reminded her of how much of a lier she was and she somehow twisted it all back on me and also denied what I told her. How can a person do that? How can someone be such a devious, mean lier and sit back and say "I don't know what your talking about" and twist it all back on me? I am very angry and very ___ed up today, I've actually been very ___ed up lately. I am so full of anger.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi bus boy,

It's great to see you posting if you're feeling this way. Sorry to hear that things are really difficult still after so much time. That's really tough and must wear you down. 

Has your sister considered enforcing the order through her lawyer if the conditions are being regularly broken?

It's OK to feel angry bus boy.  Can you identify what exactly triggers your anger the most? I felt angry about being replaced quickly as I felt it was an insult after everything he had said to me. I worked this back to my pride being wounded along with my self esteem taking a huge knock. It sounds like you're comparing yourself to the new partner and giving yourself a raw deal.

Try to remember that a lot of what people see from the outside may be what she also projected to others whilst devaluing you or others before you. You're a loving caring father and can be the consistent one in your child's life which is especially important if your ex wife is going to be changeable. You can feel proud for getting through what you have already. Coping with the harassment of family has got to be really hard and is bound to take its toll eventually. On top of this you have this other r/s very much in your face. I'm sure you could really use a break.

Are you speaking to someone about the way you're feeling? I find a good vent with my counsellor and friends most therapeutic. I know it can be hard when you're feeling down which is why I'm glad you're reaching out to us. Keep posting as I'm sure you'll get lots of good input from others here.

Love and light x

[vanx]

bus boy, I can relate to what you are going through. I just wanted to share that one way of framing things in therapy that helped me was getting my power back. You are worthy and do not deserve to be affected any longer by how she treats you/what she thinks of you/how her current relationship is going. None of this has anything to do with who you are. Of course it's only natural to be affected and frustrated, but if doing so is causing you suffering, I think you owe it to yourself to shift your focus as much as possible.
I was thinking too, I know anger for me is an uncomfortable thing to sit with. Exercise helps. Don't mean to push anything on you but are you getting exercise? It's just one option, but the main idea is channeling the emotions and doing something good for bus boy.