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Yepanotherone
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« on: November 28, 2017, 11:36:59 PM »

 
I first discovered and joined this forum at the end of 2015 I think it was , just shortly after my then 15 year old DD was diagnosed . This site was a godsend then as it is now . Admittedly I don’t post as often as I did when I first joined but I still consider this forum my sanctuary and while I don’t necessarily post , I still pop in frequently to read posts and threads .
I wanted to share with some of the new members here , a little part of MY journey ... .not my daughters ... .mine ! I’ve come a long way in 2 years and I thought maybe sharing this may help others .
 
My DD ( now 17) has literally made our lives a living hell since the age of 15 .Her journey has included  7 hospitalizations, suicide attempts, self harm behaviors off the charts ,frequent calls from her  friends worried about her , wellness checks from policemen in the  middle of the night after being alerted from my DD’s well meaning friends with my DD issuing suicide threats ,( the local policemen started to know us by first names),  inappropriate online activities including visiting dark internet sites sexting and video chats , secret Instagram accounts indulging in posting pictures of own cuts ,   promiscuity, no sense of risk or danger , dressing like a street hooker , meeting strangers and inviting them back to our home for sex , staying out all night , going missing /running  away , no good friends and boyfriends , being bullied at school , failing at school , getting fired from jobs , multi substance abuse , legal troubles , court appearances and probation , rages with verbal abuse and screaming matches with name calling , living in a complete pit of a bedroom , then also all that goes alongside that awful depression : no motivation , withdrawal, hostility, not looking after hygiene , then also coping with the side effects of all the medications : paranoia , hallucinations, changes in motor skills and thinking , the therapy and psychiatrist changes , constant search for “ the one “ who will “ fix this “, DBT psychologists , DBT teen groups , intensive outpatient therapy programs, family therapists , looking for educational consultants and potential residential placements , constant medication changes , . Me trying to stay on top of it all , juggling so many balls in the air , trying to fit all this into holding down a full time job myself , my daily checks on her computer and phone activities became a compulsion  , looking after our home and trying to maintain some resemblance of family life , trying to look after other relationships with my husband , my other daughter , my family who live overseas, fostering new friendships and trying to keep old ones , constant obsessive searching for more information , purchasing of books ( I have a whole library now of over 20 books !) , watching videos online , anything I could find , trying to hold myself together and to not break down and throw in the towel , and at the heart of it all , still trying to have a relationship with my daughter and to make her feel loved .

It’s one helluva ride ! I have gone through every emotion imaginable. Guilt , fear , extreme anxiety where I can barely sleep and indeed even scared to go to sleep ! Waiting up all night waiting for her to come home , obsessed and compulsive checking of her computer and phone activities,more tears and sadness, worrying if I myself am suffering from depression  , grief about lost potential , grieving for the loss of the daughter we thought we had , trying to learn new communication strategies , desperately seeking new skills to avoid being judge mental , learning new terminology... stuff I never ever thought I’d ever need to know anything about ... .all those hospitalizations necessitating daily visits and phone calls ,family case conferences and  discharge planning, feeling physically drained , emotionally exhausted , completely burned out , wanting to give up and throw in the towel , then not wanting to give up , internal conflict , shame and embarrassment, loneliness , hopelessness, then the marital issues kick in ! Disagreements and fighting with spouse about how to handle situations , blaming each other , resentful .

Urgh ! It’s the absolute pits of hell .

But guess what ... .I’m coping . I’m doing much better . I’ve accepted . I’ve learned to look after myself better . I do things for me . I don’t sweat the small stuff . I no longer monitor my daughters phone and computer activity ( this is definitely one of the most effective things I stopped doing to give myself so e peace ... .it really did not help to know just how outrageous my DD was behaving and lying about it ... .this compulsion I had to check in on her every move in order to keep her safe was actually making me ill ! )  I can reign myself in much better now when she’s pushing my buttons and I retreat rather than continuing like a raging bull . I keep things light and airy , we rarely talk about her mental illness or mental health issues ... she doesn’t like these discussions , doesn’t want to feel we are intruding and so I don’t try to force her into deep and meaningfuls with me .I place the responsibility and consequence of her decisions and actions right back at her , I refuse to be her punchbag and I’m not her victim anymore . I try hard to be validating , I try hard to practice SET and im much better at controlling my own emotional responses when she’s being completely outrageous .i no longer micro manage her day and I no longer chase after her . I read somewhere that it’s important to allow our BPD kids to do what they should be doing for themselves  ... .i stopped doing her laundry , I stopped cleaning up her room ,... .these are skills she needs to learn to take responsibility for herself . I won’t lend her money if she’s spent all her wages and she will it drive our car until she decides  to give up the weed completely ... .or get her own insurance policy . She knows this , she accepts it now and it is no longer the big bone of contention it once was in our household . I will drive her to the places I want her to be going ( school , work and therapy ) but otherwise she has to use her hard earned cash for Uber .
 I now do  Voluntary work for the homeless as it's something I’ve always wanted to do , I feel I’m being helpful,it keeps me from focusing on my DD and she now sees that  my world does not revolve around her and our family life will go on .  I go shopping , out for a meal with friends and I still have my full time job . I have dates with my older daughter and we are close , and I’m working on having a good relationship with my BPD DD again . I had to stop making my daughter and her BPD the epitome and center of my life . One of her therapists told me that if I don’t take better care of myself and have a life outwith her mental health issues , then I was going to break . And she was right , I was almost at that point .

And guess what ... .as my behaviors and emotional responses have changed , so has my DD’s . I can honestly say , hand in heart , that in the last few months I have my DD back . Yes she still dabbles with marijuana . Yes , school is still a challenge and getting her motivated to do things is frustrating. Yes she’s still difficult and her room remains a mess . Her laundry will sit in a basket for weeks before she gets round to doing it ... .but I resist the temptation to do it for her regardless of how the mess bothers me and regardless of knowing she needs her uniform done ... I back out of her room , i leave that laundry where it is ,and she eventually does it herself . .  somewhere along the line there was a shift in my DD’s thinking and behaviors . Her sense of humor has returned , we laugh , she will give me a hug every now and again and she climbed into bed beside me on Sunday because she wanted her back scratched ! , she’s dressing normally again ( I just can’t even begin to tell you how horrid it is to watch your DD head out the door with fishnet tights , boobs spilling over a crop top , teashirt that barely covers the butt cheeks and thigh high boots then returns home covered in Love bites  . She has bit self harmed with cutting in 5 months and done if her scars are fading . She’s looking into eventually getting tattoos to cover up the really bad scars .
I finally have some normality and peace in my life . I don’t know how long it will last but I’m revelling in it ! It’s not all ging gang gooley round the camp fire , but it’s much better than where we were a year ago .

What I’m trying to convey in my rambles is that there is hope . This diagnosis need not take over your life . It will if you let it though .
Keep posting here , keep venting . I’m not great at offering advice because I still feel I’m learning myself and I still make mistakes . But hang on in there, we are here to help and to support each other xxx
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Huat
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« Reply #1 on: November 29, 2017, 10:49:10 AM »

Hi Yepanotherone, interesting post!

The one word that jumped out when I read it was... ."acceptance."  I, too, have learned that it is much easier to go-with-the-flow and do what you can, rather than to use precious time and energy wishing for a life that isn't.

You talk, too, about how in changing yourself, you have noticed changes in your daughter.  When you think of it... .how could that NOT happen?  The only change a person has the power to make is changes to themselves.  So... .the script has been revised for one character... .the other characters are pretty well forced to make changes, too, no matter how small.

It is nice to read of the other activities in your life in which you are getting a feeling of fulfillment.  It is so important that we do things like that for ourselves... .get those little pockets-of-oxygen when we branch out and take our life-focus off of our troubled children.

I echo your sentiments when you refer to this forum as your "sanctuary"... .a place you can come to and bare your soul and be heard... .not judged.  The revelation that came to me when I found I was not alone... .the troubling relationship I had with my daughter not unique... .was so uplifting.  All this is not to say we don't have our "days", right... .when the sun is not as bright as it is on other days.  Oh well... .life!

Happy Wednesday, Yepanotherone!
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« Reply #2 on: November 29, 2017, 06:01:17 PM »

Yepanotherone, thank you, thank you, thank you!

I can’t tell you how much it means to me to have read your post. It’s all there, everything and it inspires hope.

Just like you wrote, at times I just want to throw in the towel, it’s very easy for me sometimes to feel that way, especially with my uBPD son wanting no contact with me and living in another country. And then the thought of never seeing or having him in my life ever again brings me such sadness that I know that I have to carry on, I have to learn these new skills in the hope that I can use them to try and rebuild some sort of relationship with him. The internal conflict that you speak about, that is me now, that is the stage that I am currently at. It’s not great but it’s a lot better than where I was when I stumbled across this site a few months ago. It’s thanks to the lovely caring people who offer their support on here that I am today in a much better place. And it’s thanks to all the resources here that I am much more aware of BPD, an illness I’d never even heard of until a year ago.

I love your last paragraph, especially this bit:

“This diagnosis need not take over your life. It will if you let it though”

Wow! What a powerful statement that is
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If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading ~ Lao Tzu
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« Reply #3 on: November 30, 2017, 09:08:42 AM »

What a great post. Yes, we all need to have hope. At times it can seem totally hopeless. Having lived with the craziness of my 32 yo BPD daughter, I understand. I agree completely that for them to change, we have to change what we do. My daughter no longer lives under my roof but is nearby in a house that was rented for her by her mother (we both have enabled so much).The rent ran out a month ago and she is still there. She has been lashing out at me since the Spring of this year. We know she is actively using heroin again. Dropped out of Grad School and does not work. Not much contact with us right now because this is the "change" that we are doing. Have always swooped in to "save" her. Was in detox 2 years ago over Christmas. Feel that is where she should be again right now but for the first time in her life SHE will need to make this decision to go (she knows what to do). Very painful to step away and not know what will happen next. But as you said, we all need to take care of ourselves. I was loosing my sanity trying to get her "better". Our therapist said we need to let go (and let God). There really is nothing else we can do. I do have comfort in knowing God loves her more than me and will protect her. I can no longer do it. I am trying to focus on  myself and getting better. I struggle every day thinking what will eventually happen but it really does not make a difference. This is the acceptance. It is what it is and I can only keep praying that God will have her "see the light". I do feel this will eventually happen when she wants things different. I just do not know how long this will take. As you say, we really need to take care of ourselves. The only person we can control in our lives is ourselves. Everyone has choices and each of us (including her) need to live with these choices. Life could be way better for my daughter. Getting sober and rebuilding a relationship with her family would make her feel better but that decision is up to her. She has her choices and so do we. I need to focus on my life and not hers. Hopefully by stepping back she will decide to do things different as well. I can see no other alternative at this point.
Thanks again for a great post.
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babyoctopus
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« Reply #4 on: December 03, 2017, 10:17:28 AM »

Thank you so much. It was just what I needed to read right now. I am in the throes af same right now, my DD 17 is skipping school, failing school, smoking weed, sexting, sneaking around with men, all of it. I, too, was checking her messages and it was horrible- I can't unsee the images of her and some of these horrible men and its tearing me apart. I think of her potential and how she's wasting/ruining her life, and it makes me want to lay down and die.

Right now we are considering a 90-day residential. At the very least, maybe she can complete high school there. She's in her senior year, and this is a hail-mary pass for us to at least get her diploma. You mentioned this? Did it help at all?

God bless you and good luck.
   
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« Reply #5 on: December 03, 2017, 12:13:03 PM »

Thank you for sharing.  It is a difficult journey and I am glad you go to the point where you are focusing on yourself.  We can't fix or control them especially as they get older.
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Juki

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« Reply #6 on: December 27, 2017, 03:23:07 PM »

This is a great post and has certainly put things into perspective for me.  My son is an angel in comparison.  He never leaves his room and thereby his safety and well-being are not compromised by people, substance abuse, or other risk taking behaviors.  I have to be thankful for that.  I’m glad you’ve been able to traverse this horrendous phase and remain intact.  Hopefully the worst is now over and you can continue forging a healthy relationship with your daughter and continue on in your own positive growth.
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« Reply #7 on: December 31, 2017, 07:12:19 PM »

Very inspiring story and to know there is hope!
Thanks for sharing and congrats to you!
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Daisy123
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« Reply #8 on: January 01, 2018, 11:39:20 AM »

Hello Yepanotherone,
Thank you for sharing. Your post gives me hope. What I noticed was that it was you who had to do the hard work, self reflection and accept where your true power lies- within self. That is what I am taking away from your post as well: Consider where the power to change is and it has to start within myself. I am the one who is the stronger of the two in this relationship with my dd20. So it is up to me to begin the shift. Acceptance is such a challenge, in part because this is a new diagnosis and the other is that dd20 had such a bright and active childhood. She loved dancing, singing, acting- performed in musicals, choirs, was active in her youth church group, took to the podium at church in readings. And then she began self injuring which led to multiple suicide attempts. So I am grieving the huge loss of what I thought was a fairly happy kid. My husband and I like all parents, had dreams of high school and college. I have to let go of those dreams and just move on. Now I am
Frightened that she’ll not ever launch. She doesn’t work. She’s not in school and just in this inert space, stuck. I need to shift the focus as to what I need to change because what we’ve tried and how we’ve acted has not worked.
Thank you for sharing. You are an inspiration.

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« Reply #9 on: January 01, 2018, 07:38:29 PM »

I just joined the forum after realizing just this weekend that there probably is an explanation for my daughter's totally unexplainable behavior.  She is 30.  She has cut her brother and I out of her life since June of last year and our hearts are broken.   I don't have a diagnosis so I don't know for sure but all the evidence is there.  She has been seeing a therapist for about 3 years and I recently learned that they are using DPT therapy so that makes me have hope that someone actually understands her problem.   I have learned a lot from reading posts in just 2 days. One thing this has done for me is make me be thankful that our situation is not worse.  I have been so lost, depressed, and hopeless for all of the reasons we all are, but I don't know how I could have made it through what you have.  We do make it because we have to but I just want to tell you how much I admire you.   You are such a strong person - I really respect what you have been through and how you have survived, valued yourself and kept your daughter alive.  You give me hope.  Thank you so much for sharing your journey.
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Yepanotherone
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« Reply #10 on: January 02, 2018, 10:48:20 PM »

Thankyou all so much for your kind comments and words of encouragement:)
We are still moving gently forward but admittedly I’m still ever so cautious. My DD will be turning 18 at the end of this month . It’s a milestone that I’ve been dreading yet looking forward to . Dreading it because my DD will no doubt consider herself an adult and with that , I wouldn’t be surprised if we saw some rebellious behaviors and refusal to stick with house rules . And looking forward to it because yes indeed , in the eyes of the law , she will be considered an adult ... .and we as her parents are no longer legally liable for her bad choices  !( which is a big thing ! Particularly after we found out she’d been driving our car for a number of months , on our insurance , while abusing substances and was literally high for much of the time ! ) We shall see . I’m certainly hoping that her 18th birthday will be a much happier experience  than her 17th birthday ! That day was the lowest point I personally had reached and the lowest we sunk to as a family  I did not feel strong at all that day after the goings on around that time ( long drawn out story ) and in fact I spent time on the phone that day  trying to get the state involved to take care of my DD because we were all so broken and I simply felt I couldn’t do it anymore .  It was bad !
The next lowest point hit us in March 2016. Again so much going on around that time that would literally make your toes curl and my husband literally turned grey haired over this time !
Anyway, we have move passed those horrible times and while we have never received an apology from my DD , I think her actions to try and get herself into a more stable place is her way of saying “ I’m sorry “. Despite everything, despite her mental illnesses , she still knows right from wrong . She knows it deep down in there somewhere .
So with her 18th birthday approaching , we shall see how things pan out . She has a new boyfriend ( yep . Another one ) and seems quite taken with this very shy and reserved chap . She tells me “ he doesn’t have a mean bone in his body Mum “. Poor guy . He doesn’t know what he’s getting into with my DD ! I will be interested to see how she deals with this relationship . Previous boyfriends have been subjected to the full force of her behaviors in the past and have ultimately  found her far too difficult to deal with . We shall see if she has managed to learn from these past relationships and can hold her own, even if the boyfriend doesn’t do or  say the things she needs to hear . Her last boyfriend lasted 4 weeks and she didn’t go off the rails or appear to be dyregulated at all when it came to an end . The last long term boyfriend lasted almost a year and came  to an end in March last year... .less said about that the better . ( see my previous posts ).

I still keep a watchful eye on things such as medication and keeping it locked away . I still keep just a few headache tablets in my purse at any one time  and lock the rest away . I still keep keep count of just how many headache pills I have in my purse just in case my DD starts to steal and stash them .  I still take my purse to my bedroom every night  as it holds car keys and I’ve always had a fear that she would take them and drive off into the night when dysregulated . I still go into her room every single morning to quickly check on her before i go to work and I do a quick scan of her bare skin as she more often than not lies on top of her bed with no clothes on as she gets too hot ! .perfect opportunity though for me to do my quick scan !  I still hide razers if I find more than one sitting in her bathroom ( she needs a razer to shave her legs !) I still do a check of her bed linen and clothing in the laundry basket for any fresh blood but this is becoming much less frequent now as it’s becoming evident that she really does seem to have a good handle on her cutting behaviors. No fresh cuts since June 2016!

What I don’t do anymore - inamongst so many other things , I don’t check her messages , I don’t log into her messenger . I know she keeps a stash of marijuana in a box and I know where she keeps that box but I no longer check it . The “old” me would have been in there everyday to see if she’d been smoking it / how much was gone / how much had been replaced etc etc . But in all honesty, I learned over time that there was no benefit to me knowing this . It would just create all sorts of further anxieties and stress for myself and my DD is no longer secretive about using marijuana anyway  so there is nothing whatsoever to be gained by me snooping . And when I get stressed and anxious and wound up , I’m much more likely to be more confrontational with my DD . And that’s never pretty !

Anyhow, I could ramble on for hours and hours and tell stories that many of you guys out there would nod in understanding and appreciation of , yet the everyday parent who doesn’t have a BPD child just recoils in absolute horror and fear !
My own Mum has said countless times “ I just don’t know how you’re still standing “!   There’s nothing else for it though is there !  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Gorges
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« Reply #11 on: January 06, 2018, 09:56:56 AM »

You are doing a great job and we are on the same journey!  I totally agree about the not checking and I look back on all the times where I was a major detective and can't believe I don't do that anymore.  Although, when I have snooped a bit I don't find anything, so I guess snooping gets a bit boring after while! I do appreciate that we can be a help to other people on this message board.  It is so important to feel that you can turn to people during the difficult times.  Yet, I have found there are very few people who understand what we have gone through.
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« Reply #12 on: March 26, 2018, 12:44:41 PM »

Dear Yep,
Thank you for this post. My DD19
is 4 weeks out of rehab and I’ve doomspiraling
into making her the center of my universe. Reading your post was like throwing much needed cold water on my face. It’s the first day of my spring break and I’ve been miserable consumed with worry. I’m going to schedule a haircut and a mani pedi today! I’m making room for some ‘me’ time.
I so appreciate you reaching out to remind us of hope and self care.
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« Reply #13 on: April 21, 2018, 02:06:56 AM »

 Hi Yepanotherone

Wow.  While we are all here at different stages of our journey's of grief, I always feel so heartened when I hear these stories.  You are right, while there is life there is hope and it is so encouraging to see that small changes in our own behaviour can invoke changes in others.

Well done to you for how you have dug in and moved forward.  It shows tremendous strength of character and love for your daughter.  I'm so glad you have learned to look after yourself in the process. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I would love to know how long you engaged in therapy just for yourself?

Merlot
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Yepanotherone
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« Reply #14 on: April 23, 2018, 06:46:54 PM »

Hi there Merlot and to all my friends here on this forum   I’m currently in my homeland in Scotland  Smiling (click to insert in post). 2 weeks vacation to spend quality time with my own mum and Dad and family Smiling (click to insert in post)Smiling (click to insert in post)  I’m here on my own with my husband holding the fort back in Colorado . If you’d asked me 14 months ago if I would have ever felt comfortable leaving my DD at home without me and with just her dad overseeing her I would have said “ absolutely no way , ever again , will I EVER have the confidence to leave her at home . But yet here I am ! Having spent a lovely day with my mum going round the shops then over to my brothers for dinner , I lie here in my old bedroom at my parents house , and I feel at ease knowing everything is fine back home and I trust my DD to not mess up .
In any case , the NEW me realizes that even if she did , there’s  not a whole lot I could do about it anyway , and she’s ultimately responsible for her choices soo... .  see ? I have come so very far from literally micromanaging every aspect of her day and playing detective every hour of every day , basically living on my last nerve !

I would have preferred to have brought my two daughters with me back to Scotland as we normally make this a “ girls trip” and my husband stays home , but as a consequence of my DD’s past choices with substance abuse she can’t leave the USA right now due to immigration complications , so she’s learning the hard way !

To answer your question Merlot , I didn’t actually have one on one therapy for myself . I just had good relationships and talked regularly with my DD ‘s therapists . We also had a family therapist for a while ( she actually started as my DD ‘a one on one then invited us in as family members so we had a few sessions with her ) and then we had a “ functional family therapist “ visit us for a series of 12 sessions at home . I however did get to have some long telephone conversations with him on my own discussing things further that were brought up in our family sessions .
My DD isn’t going to therapy anymore . She stopped at the beginning f of this month , but said she’ll go back if she feels she needs it . Instantly my Radar was going off like a siren , and I was anxious because knowing she was talking things through with her therapist ( the things she never shares with me ) gave me a little peace of mind , but I’ve accepted I can’t force her to go and to trust that she can be insightful and recognize when she’s struggling .i hid my anxiety well ! So far she’s still stable pretty much . She had a few days a while back of withdrawing to her room a lot again , and my hair was standing on edge just waiting in dread , but it only lasted a few days and my husband reminded me she’s going to have her ups and downs , and we’ve learned that the best approach is to leave her be .

Acceptance ... self care ... .realizing you can only do so much . The rest is down to our BPD loved ones . Avoiding micromanaging , stepping back and not doing the things for her that she should really be doing herself , giving her her space and taking mine , not going off the deep end , thinking before I speak ,steering clear of trying to push her into deep and meaningful conversations that she doesn’t want to have , showing her we trust her . I have found that these have been the most effective tools to moving forward . I still make mistakes and I still say the wrong thing in the wrong way  but I don’t beat myself up about it .
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« Reply #15 on: April 24, 2018, 05:34:22 AM »

Hi Yepanotherone

I'm so glad for you that you are home with your parents guilt free.  It's a wonderful thing  Smiling (click to insert in post) And hopefully your daughters are having a fabulous time with your husband, something special about dads and their daughters :-).

Avoiding micromanaging , stepping back and not doing the things for her that she should really be doing herself , giving her her space and taking mine , not going off the deep end , thinking before I speak ,steering clear of trying to push her into deep and meaningful conversations that she doesn’t want to have , showing her we trust her . I have found that these have been the most effective tools to moving forward . I still make mistakes and I still say the wrong thing in the wrong way  but I don’t beat myself up about it .

I wanted to ask, if in doing any of these things above you have been damned if you did and damned if you didn't.  When I was cut off by my DD27, she made it clear that I was dead to her.  She left our state without even saying goodbye such was the extent of her rage. Given her anger, I stepped back to give her space and give her some time for her emotions to settle.  When I tried recently to reach out via email using SET and validation, she responded by saying how disgusting it was that it had taken me so long cementing her view that I remain dead to her.  Have you experienced this no win position in your journey?

Regards
Merlot

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