New to the forum - older sibling with BPD

[ShopGirl35]

Hi all, I'm really happy I found this forum!  I've had a contentious relationship with my older sister my entire life.  She was diagnosed with ADHD as a teenager but now at 40 years old, I think she has BPD.  She has bullied and belittled me my entire life.  She claims to be the "martyr" and "truth teller" in the family.  Her version of events is the only acceptable version... .I'm the golden child and our mother is the narcissist.  (Her former psychiatrist recently shared that no one in our family is a narcissist).  If I didn't accept my sister's version of events, then I was part of the conspiracy against her.  So I did try... .I sympathized, I listened to her.  I listened to her talk sh*t about her husband and her husband's family constantly.  I listened to her scream at me that she was robbed of a relationship with me.  This summer she told me she really just wanted to give the giant finger to both her family and her husband's family.

I started to push back on her narrative in 2013, when we had our first estrangement.  And then again this summer.  I just wanted my own voice to be heard, my own experiences to have a place while still honoring her experiences.  And when I told her I needed some time away, she said she walked away from me years ago.  Then 6 weeks later, cut me off from her three kids.  It was like she used the only weapon she had to isolate and punish me.  It's taken me several months to recover from that and to regain some modicum of self-esteem.  I'm realizing if I am going to have any chance at a healthy life, the estrangement should be final.  Even though I did email her to apologize for my part in our argument and acknowledge (once again) the pain she's in and offered to go to family therapy.  I received nothing in return.  Which I expected because she told me she'll never apologize to me because that's all she's ever done her entire life.  She also went off on my mom and dad this Fall, calling them abusive.  They're in their late 60's wondering if they broke her and now questioning their own experiences.  She's a master manipulator.

So like I've read in some other posts, it's taken me a very long time to learn to love myself and acknowledge my own experiences as having value. And to create boundaries.  Not like "we'll only talk during the holidays" boundaries.  But "her definition of me is not me" boundaries. I still hear her voice in my head calling me names, telling me I'd never be a good mom.  I feel like I've lost track of what constitutes a loving, healthy relationship; I'm single at 35, no kids.  Which is why having her kids in my life had meant so much to me. 

I don't really know how to end this, haha.  I'm both exhausted and relieved at the same time to realize that where I'm at in life isn't because I'm a horrible person.  And that I get to control my narrative from now on.

Sending lots of positive, flowing, and supportive energy to everyone on here.

[Turkish]

But "her definition of me is not me" boundaries. I still hear her voice in my head calling me names, telling me I'd never be a good mom.  I feel like I've lost track of what constitutes a loving, healthy relationship; I'm single at 35, no kids.

That's a good way to think about it.  In such situations,  it's easy to internalize the "bad press" so to speak.

It must be hard to be cut off from her kids, especially if you are the cool auntie.  

Do you feel the need to jump into her r/s with your parents, or just try to navigate between you and her?

Turkish

[ShopGirl35]

Turkish, thank you for the reply.

My parents have actually been heavily involved this time around.  Four years ago, they thought our fighting was basic sibling rivalry.  But after my parents expressed their unhappiness at me being cut off from the kids, the flood gates opened.  She went after them, calling them abusive.  Unleashed all this stuff about her childhood.  They actually met with her former psychiatrist to make sense of it all.  They don't want to be cut off from their grandchildren so they're doing what they need to do without getting sucked into her drama.  I don't know what will happen to her if she doesn't have us around to blame, manipulate and shame.  She'll probably go after her husband and his family even more than she usually does.

Has anyone had experience with what could happen?