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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: We need to adress this (are you a rebound)  (Read 805 times)
limetaste
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« on: December 05, 2017, 07:06:52 PM »

I see many people here talking about their "exBPD-relationship", that only lasted a couple of months.
You need to understand that you were only a process in the BPD's coping mechanisms, trying to fill up a void after a longer, more emotional relationship.

They "rebounded" with you just to fill up the loneliness and emptiness after their "true" relationship ended.
They never loved you, you were just the first "safe place" they escaped too to get confirmation and intimacy.

This is harsh, I know. But we need to adress this.

And if I would decide I would surely split the forum into two halfs:

1: Being in a longer, serious relationship
2. Being a rebound
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Zen606
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« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2017, 12:42:08 AM »

Hi Limetaste,
Can this topic be split as you suggest? This would make for good dialogue and give us a chance to discuss how we coped or are coping and what we can learn from these two types of relationships with BPs.
Zen606
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limetaste
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« Reply #2 on: December 06, 2017, 08:29:55 AM »

Hi Limetaste,
Can this topic be split as you suggest? This would make for good dialogue and give us a chance to discuss how we coped or are coping and what we can learn from these two types of relationships with BPs.
Zen606

Hello! What do you mean with "split as you suggest"? English is not my main language.

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Enabler
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« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2017, 10:06:33 AM »

Hey Limetaste,

Tricky one... .I was a rebound relationship which lasted 20 years... .and I'm pretty sure that there's been plenty of chaps that have been fillers/rebound/emotional affairs with my W in my 20yr relationship/16yr marriage. Sometimes, by hook or by crook or just because I'm a little bit of a sucker for punishment these relationships last, sometimes they don't. It probably/possibly depends on how good one is at holding on to the rollercoaster or managing the disorder.

I do not think it's as simple as to say you can split the crowd into 2 anymore than you could split the majority or relationship splits into long and short term. I'm not sure BPD is so much about the duration, more the experience of the ride that gathers people to the forum with extremely aligned common experiences... .traumatic and disruptive experiences.

I think this debate has some legs though
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schwing
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« Reply #4 on: December 06, 2017, 11:45:27 AM »

One of the diagnostic criteria for borderline personality disorder (DSM V) describes "Impairments in interpersonal functioning"

Excerpt
a. Empathy: Compromised ability to recognize the feelings and needs of others associated with interpersonal hypersensitivity (i.e., prone to feel slighted or insulted); perceptions of others selectively biased toward negative attributes or vulnerabilities.

b. Intimacy: Intense, unstable, and conflicted close relationships, marked by mistrust, neediness, and anxious preoccupation with real or imagined abandonment; close relationships often viewed in extremes of idealization and devaluation and alternating between over involvement and withdrawal.

By my observation, everyone who engages in an interpersonal relationship with a person with BPD (pwBPD) will have experiences with these kinds of impairment.  There is no "true" impairment or "rebound" impairment that pwBPD exhibit.

I see many people here talking about their "exBPD-relationship", that only lasted a couple of months.
You need to understand that you were only a process in the BPD's coping mechanisms, trying to fill up a void after a longer, more emotional relationship.

They "rebounded" with you just to fill up the loneliness and emptiness after their "true" relationship ended.
They never loved you, you were just the first "safe place" they escaped too to get confirmation and intimacy.

Whether or not your relationship lasted for a few months or a few decades, you (as the non) will have experienced your BPD loved one exhibiting these kinds of interpersonal impairments.

I don't believe it is fair to describe some relationships are "rebounds" and other relationships as "true relationships." It is fair, however, to recognize that those nonBPD who engaged in such relationships for a much longer period of time may have different degrees of support needs compared to those who engaged in such relationships for a shorted period of time.  But this is not to say one set of people's needs is more or less important than another set.

In my personal experience, I believe I had a few short term BPD relationships (that lasted less than a few months) before I had my longer term BPD relationships.  I don't believe my issues (as to why I kept choosing to have BPD relationships) were any different between the short term and long term relationships.

Best wishes,

Schwing
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EdR
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« Reply #5 on: December 06, 2017, 02:35:38 PM »

I agree with Schwing here. We are all hurting on these boards. No need to create 'BPD olympics' or something like that    "The gold medal for the most hurt goes to [... .]"

(I wish I would be able to finish last though in those olympics   Smiling (click to insert in post)  Just saw a picture of her 'having fun' and her birthday is coming quite soon and I struggle with that too... .so the hurt is definitely real though )
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #6 on: December 06, 2017, 04:36:58 PM »

This is an interesting topic. 

In the time I've been reading on this board I've seen people who have been in long term r/s's that were relatively calm and stable with intermittent periods of drama, and others who were in shorter r/s's which had huge amounts of dysfunction, chaos and serious abuse.  What is important to remember is that BPD is a spectrum disorder.  Not all pwBPD are the same.  Some are on the low end, are high functioning and others are on the higher end, lower functioning and then there is everything in between. 

There are also different 'types' of BPD presentations, ie waif, hermit, queen, witch and again every combination of.  To consider a short term r/s as different to a long term r/s regards the needs of the non disordered partner would be to fail to consider the variations of BPD in extremity. 

The fact that an individual has had cause to seek out the forum indicates that there has been significant impact on that person through being involved in a BPD r/s, regardless of the duration. 

We all need support to heal and move on.  I'm interested how you would see your suggestion working.  How do you see the needs of ex partners being met better with two different parts to the forum?

Love and light x
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« Reply #7 on: December 06, 2017, 06:12:02 PM »

I'm in the process of ending a 10 year relationship, I was not a rebound in that my wife was JUST coming off a long term relationship, she wasn't.  Having said that, she did some recycling during the year leading up to us beginning to date and 5 months prior to us dating she had recycled a 2 year relationship she had ended a year before, but it didn't last long.  I knew this because I met my wife through a friend who dated her first, so I was aware of what she was doing to a degree, but I wasn't aware of BPD and recycling.

I can also honestly say there was no true honeymoon period for me where it was all positive for a period of time.  She had just moved out of her BPD mother's house for the first time, we had a couple dates and I moved in almost immediately.  I was getting her eyebrow raising BS almost immediately.  I think the lack of a honeymoon period may have happened for a couple reasons:

1) I moved in right away and didn't want to move out
2) I wasn't a replacement while another relationship was ending

Now the guy who is currently seeing my wife is definitely a rebound and he is getting the honeymoon.

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crushedagain
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« Reply #8 on: December 06, 2017, 06:38:10 PM »

I completely disagree with this whole premise and don't even understand the point of such an exercise. Further, "rebound relationship" is a vague term without any real definition - hardly any sort of concrete fact.
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limetaste
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« Reply #9 on: December 06, 2017, 08:12:46 PM »

The reason I created the thread isn't to or compare these type of relationship forms which eachother for the reason to "compete" in whoever hurt the most.

I see threads all the time on this forum from people who had a very short but a very intensive relationship with their exBPD. And many times it was just a quick rebound from the BPD's side, often after they ended a longer, serious relationship, to fill up the void temporarily. When things cool down the BPD's is often going to start grieving the ending of the former relationship, and many times they try to recycle and go back to that person. Why? The emotional bond is strong. As many have stated the BPD's grief process often seem to happen in reverse.

Of course, like you are saying, there are different types of BPD's and this is very much a simplification.

What I think is important to adress is the way you should cope, and how, depending on what kind of relationship it really was. For example, if you happened to be a rebound, and now hoping for the exBPD to come back, this isn't very likely. But rebound relationship also differs from eachother.

To sit back and try to see things for what they really were would be a good start when it comes to moving on, and start to heal. Many times it's that little drop of hope that prevents us from getting back on our feet.

Does this make any sense?
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ynwa
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« Reply #10 on: December 07, 2017, 03:06:11 AM »

I think this is an interesting idea.

But if you are in a coffee shop, in a building that suddenly falls down on top of you, it does not matter if you just went inside or were there all day, its going to be a hell of a shock to the system right?

Now, maybe you knew the building was not in the best shape, because you were going there every day and seeing the crumbling, the cracks getting bigger, but you kept going every day because the coffee was so good.

But the end result is the same,  we are all dusting ourselves off, examining the rubble and trying to move on, hopefully getting smart enough to not go in any more of those suspect buildings.
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Sunfl0wer
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« Reply #11 on: December 07, 2017, 04:57:47 AM »

Excerpt
What I think is important to adress is the way you should cope, and how, depending on what kind of relationship it really was. For example, if you happened to be a rebound, and now hoping for the exBPD to come back, this isn't very likely. But rebound relationship also differs from eachother.
I tend to think that many persons with BPD are entering relationships and attaching to partners as a method of emotional regulation... .rebound or not.  I tend to think many are not choosing partners as much as they are filling emotional holes within themself, despite if this is rebound or not.

My point is... . usually the fact of the matter is that even if a pwBPD is not rebounding, they often are seeking intimacy to meet some unmet childhood primal needs.  (As many of us also are)

More simply... .their attachment has nothing to do with you.  Nothing to do with how special you are.  But all to do with how special THEY feel... .no matter if rebound or not.

So maybe that understanding to not personalize it either way... .is helpful?
Don’t we all want to feel special?
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tryingsome
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« Reply #12 on: December 09, 2017, 01:44:34 AM »

Here is the thing, the length of a relationship is based on the compatibility of two people. Usually the more compatible two people are (and both have to view it as such) the longer the relationship will last. There is no rebound per say, because technically every next relationship is a rebound.

I would suspect many people here have had relationships that lasted a month or two with another Nons just because after getting to know the person we found them to be not what we are looking for. The length something lasts is not about the illness.

The issue with pwBPD is not that one relationship is more 'primary' than another; it is that pwBPD tend to make a relationships more extreme and volatile. It doesn't matter if it is a short relationship or a long relationship. It is the extreme fluctuations that can make such relationships difficult to recover, length may have little bearing.

In my, case the relationship lasted 5.5 years. Though it would have lasted about 5 months if I child wasn't on the way (and then another). I stuck it out due to my own stubbornness and thinking I could make it work. We weren't compatible and I knew this early on. But she did grow on me over time and the chaos also grew over time. In the end, I believe this depends how quickly the two of you enmesh.  For us it was about 4 years whereupon I couldn't see where I ended and she began. It took a while for us two. Some people much less so, and once that happens it can do a lot of damage to your psyche.  

A lot of this has to do with one's person resolve, their own boundaries, isolation, inner strength and weaknesses. Some people last 20 years... .I couldn't image the mental fortitude they posses. Some just mere months. The fall can be just a great--it depends on your fortitude. In the end, relationships with pwBPD are hard to endure because of the constant confusion and enmeshment. If you fall hard it usually means there is inner work to be done. Most 'stable' people would leave fairly early in the relationship (and be equipped to move more easily on once it is over).
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Zen606
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« Reply #13 on: December 10, 2017, 11:10:44 AM »

Hi ynwa,
What a great analogy of the building to a relationship with a BPD/traits person. Even more interesting is that we would go into that building knowing its not safe but delicious coffee is to be had. How many red flags went up for me when I became involved with my ex!  For me it was about a year, now I'm relieved its over. I had a BPD/trait mother, my dad stayed with her 50+ years. What fortitude on his part, yet I always wanted him to walk out of the house with me in tow. He never did, and never protected us kids from her rages.
But good things come out of disasters and i am now in therapy working on borderline mother issues, so i need to thank my ex - had I not experienced him I would not be doing the work that i am now!
Zen606
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« Reply #14 on: December 10, 2017, 03:02:34 PM »

I can't help it, I'd fist through the rubble to rescue the coffee machine whilst the ceiling bowed and walls creaked... .why?... .because I love her warts and all, I made a vow of for better or worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health. One of my core values is integrity and for me, sometimes that means putting yourself in harms way, taking the hard road and taking the hits... .but I know that's my choice, and there is an easier road to be taken... .but I have a choice, I know that and I have chosen.

Being aware of the choice is highly liberating.
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Zen606
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« Reply #15 on: December 11, 2017, 08:52:34 PM »

Hi Enabler,
It great to feel liberated, but the road one takes in one's interest is not easy at all, easier to fall back to the old ways. Have you read The road less traveled by Scott Peck? Its focus is our responsibility to ourselves and the difficult road this is, but so blessedly rewarding if we stick to it!
Zen606
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« Reply #16 on: December 12, 2017, 04:37:12 AM »

Once upon a time everyone thought the world was flat, we looked around, saw a flat horizon when we looked out to the ocean and all were in agreement that the world was flat... .it was never questioned. Then, a mad man comes along and says "I think the world isn't flat and if I sail towards the horizon I will find that eventually I'll be able to circumnavigate the spherical earth"... .he's mad in the head they said. He sailed, he proved and his revelation showed the world that their long held beliefs were wrong. We could never return to a reality where we knew for certain that the world was flat , our eyes were opened to the truth.

it is impossible for me to return to my old way of thinking now. I could return to my old behaviours of being a reactive non... .but my blindfold has been removed and just like those who believed the earth was flat and had to accept that their beliefs about the world were always wrong, I have accepted that my beliefs about my wife and my own behaviours have always been deluded. As my wife once recently wrote "now I see in colour".
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