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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Ex BPD BF: What Does Any of This Mean?  (Read 548 times)
JWebb88

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« on: December 05, 2017, 07:47:07 PM »

It has been almost 2 months since my ex bf and I went no contact. It has been difficult considering how much I loved (and continue to love) him. I followed the steps needed in case his unbalanced new gf tried to contact me again: Blocked his number and changed my Facebook password. (If curious about that dumpster fire of a situation then feel free to read my other posts).

Curiously enough, the ex bf did not block me on Facebook or SnapChat. Though my account was deactivated on Facebook, I still had its messenger app on my phone, so I would periodically check. I admit I checked not only to see if he had finally closed himself off from me, but because I missed him. After weeks of silence my ex decided to reach out in his own weird way by trying to log into my deactivated Facebook. This occurred the Sunday before last. I know this because Facebook sent me a notification about it. Fast forward to last Friday and, suddenly, the ex blocks me on Facebook. This lasts only until the evening. Then, yesterday morning, I discover that he has, again, blocked me on Facebook.

I know caring about this is probably beneath me as well as juvenile, but it does hurt me. I suppose it is due to the fact that this most recent action proves he will never change. By stopping his "breadcrumbs" of attention, it signifies that the person I cared about is truly gone. I will never get the opportunity to tell him how I feel or for us to reconcile. I almost think my ex did this in retaliation to me changing my Facebook password. I had originally kept the old password to show him I have nothing to hide, however, after discovering all of his lies I finally changed it. I stupidly thought he would eventually come back; that whatever he was experiencing with his new "flame" was temporary.

There is an illogical part of myself that feels guilty for having changed my password. Silly, isn't it? To feel guilt over something as simple as that? An act I have every right to do? Yet, the guilt and regret is there. It is that part of myself that worries about retribution as much as I worry about him never thinking of me again. It is a duel edge sword.

Still, it was in my best interest to take control of my password information. The new gf and apparent baby momma is even more emotionally and mentally unbalanced than my ex bf ever was. She had contacted and harassed me on his phone, which led me to believe she would probably try other bizarre means to confront me. One of them being hacking my Facebook if the ex bf had my password saved on his cell phone etc. There is a friend of mine that believes it was this gf that blocked me, however, I'm not so sure. M (the ex bf) would have probably felt like I had abandoned him when I took away such access to me. Though, either possibility could be true. The same friend also believes M still misses me, especially since he's in a pretty awful situation with the new girl. I honestly don't know what to believe anymore.

I understand people with narcissism and borderline personality disorder do not think the same way as us non's do. Their brains are wired differently and their emotions from past abuse have been stunted. My psychiatrist said a person with BPD is, essentially, as emotionally mature as an 8 yr old. Their logic as well as perception is stuck in an age when they were most vulnerable, so even though they look like adults, they do not function like adults. However, as much as I research these disorders and study them (I'm working towards a degree in psychology), I cannot fathom how the love, care, patience and empathy I gave made zero impact.

I also cannot help getting frustrated at my ex bf's blatant mind*******. If he misses me as well as regrets his decisions then simply contact me. Write me an e-mail, send me a text, Facebook message me, call, write a letter or send a message on Reddit. There are a plethora of ways to get a hold of me. Hacking my Facebook isn't one of them. It's controlling and manipulative. Yes, again, it goes back to his emotional bankruptcy, but I thought he was better than this. That he would eventually do what is right instead of remaining miserable for the sake of being miserable.

As it stands, I am more confused than ever. I am sad. Disappointed. Even angry. I'm not losing sleep though. I suppose that in itself is a victory. Months ago this sort of behavior would have sent me into a tailspin of tears, hysteria, and self-loathing. At present it only leaves me feeling perplexed. Sad for him too. I simply wonder if this is it then? Is the emotional roller coaster over? Has he tried to reach out for the last time? Most people in my life (my psychiatrist and therapist included) think most likely not. Rarely do people with cluster B personality disorders change their patterns, yet I wish I could have a more definitive answer. What is another strange fact: I am still unblocked on his Snapchat. Again, all this is to rattle me, which it has.

If anyone has actually read my rambling text then I thank you. I just needed to get these thoughts out before they consumed me. Any words of wisdom regarding this behavior would be appreciated as well. I want some sort of answer to make sense of all this senselessness. I additionally want to prepare myself for what may come as well. That hyper vigilant part of myself demands it. At any rate, I hope I will someday find some sort of peace. One can only hope, right?
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Lostinanother
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« Reply #1 on: December 05, 2017, 10:06:55 PM »

I’m always surprised when reading this board, when I see people who have been treated awfully by their ex and then look deeply into any signs to cling onto hope.

I don’t mean to sound harsh, but do you think that perhaps you are now looking too deeply into things. Maybe their was no reason that he didn’t block you on social media. Maybe he just couldn’t be bothered. And I don’t think him (if it even was him) trying to hack your Facebook account was his way of trying to communicate with you.

I really think a lot of us on this board have been devastated and so are trying to see signs of love where there is none at all.
You are just harming yourself and you need to detach.
Every time I think about my ex I push her out of my head because she doesn’t deserve to occupy my mind all day long anymore.
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JWebb88

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« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2017, 10:54:31 PM »

I’m always surprised when reading this board, when I see people who have been treated awfully by their ex and then look deeply into any signs to cling onto hope.

I don’t mean to sound harsh, but do you think that perhaps you are now looking too deeply into things. Maybe their was no reason that he didn’t block you on social media. Maybe he just couldn’t be bothered. And I don’t think him (if it even was him) trying to hack your Facebook account was his way of trying to communicate with you.

I really think a lot of us on this board have been devastated and so are trying to see signs of love where there is none at all.
You are just harming yourself and you need to detach.
Every time I think about my ex I push her out of my head because she doesn’t deserve to occupy my mind all day long anymore.

I openly admitted that I still harbor feelings for my ex boyfriend. However, I am actively trying to understand this disorder. You don't know my ex boyfriend nor the relationship we shared. I do. I spent 2 1/2 years as his girlfriend and 3 years total dealing with his insecurities. You may say you "don't mean to be harsh," but your condescension isn't helpful. I'm looking for insights and shared experiences, not scolding or the classic "just get over it" advice. Because this site is filled with people who have endured similar experiences, I had hoped to receive a bit more support than this. 

As for him "not being bothered," if I thought that were the case then I wouldn't have posted to begin with. My ex bf has a pattern. I doubt he'll deviate from said pattern either. For example, in the relationship as well as out of the relationship my ex would log into my Facebook account. He wanted to know who I was talking to and what I was doing etc. I could go into more detail but I have in the past, yet have been met with these same sort of answers.

Truth is, I'm extremely tired. Tired of caring. Tired of seeking advice. Tired of having absolutely no answers while I live with the scars he left behind. And, you know what? I'm tired of feeling sad at watching the one person I ever loved follow in the footsteps of his abusive father. I came to this website at the suggestion of a book I'm reading "Walking On Eggshells." I wanted understanding outside of my therapy sessions, but, as it stands, have yet to really find that here. I think this may very well be my last post. I'm discouraged. If "getting over it" was as simple as it sounds then, believe me, I would snap my fingers and be "over it." Sadly, it's not, and I don't think I'll be "over it" for a long, long time.

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« Reply #3 on: December 05, 2017, 11:06:15 PM »

Hey now, hold on a sec.

I’ve been in exactly the same place as you. I know you’re extraordinarily hurt at the moment.
I’m 4 months from discard and 2 weeks NC... .
I really didn’t mean to be insensitive. I was just trying to explain that at some point there has to come a time where you stop looking at signs in curtain twitches... .
I’ve been there too and you’re just hurting yourself.
You do have to let go and admit the fact that if he wanted you, he would be with you. But he got another girl pregnant and he stayed with her.
He hasn’t contacted you or apologized to you.
You have to see the reality of the situation so you can let go and move on to someone better JW.
I’m in the same situation; I looked at my ex’s Facebook and wondered if she was sending me signs or trying to make me jealous; but I realised the more time I spend thinking about her is just more time keeping me in this dark limbo of lost souls... .
I send you love JW and I’m giving this advice with love because I’ve been where you are now.
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« Reply #4 on: December 06, 2017, 02:51:11 AM »

Your boyfriend regards you as an extension of himself, something that he has trouble ever discarding completely no matter how much he slings at you, nor when and if his mind changes will he expect you to be anything but forgiving. I don't even really know what you are asking if its why he hasn't discarded you completely he never will, but it is not because there are any residual feelings of what you might call love, more like a once treasured possesion that badly failed him and he has discarded but has a niggling feeling that he might need it again one day. Hope this helps
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Lost-love-mind
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« Reply #5 on: December 06, 2017, 02:57:56 AM »

Hey now, hold on a sec.

I’ve been in exactly the same place as you. I know you’re extraordinarily hurt at the moment.
I’m 4 months from discard and 2 weeks NC... .
I really didn’t mean to be insensitive. I was just trying to explain that at some point there has to come a time where you stop looking at signs in curtain twitches... .
I’ve been there too and you’re just hurting yourself.
You do have to let go and admit the fact that if he wanted you, he would be with you. But he got another girl pregnant and he stayed with her.
He hasn’t contacted you or apologized to you.
You have to see the reality of the situation so you can let go and move on to someone better JW.
I’m in the same situation; I looked at my ex’s Facebook and wondered if she was sending me signs or trying to make me jealous; but I realised the more time I spend thinking about her is just more time keeping me in this dark limbo of lost souls... .
I send you love JW and I’m giving this advice with love because I’ve been where you are now.

Exactly.
I found my exBPD had not blocked me on Twitter. See my last topic posting interested.
For 3 mos it kept me twisted to the thought she was softened to a reconciliation.
Not gonna happen after she blocked me after I emailed her.
The exBPD has the mind of a teenager in my case.
I'm tired of thinking of her. Too much wasted energy.
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Lostinanother
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« Reply #6 on: December 06, 2017, 03:38:08 AM »

Beezle,
TBH my posts were written with you in mind aswell because my time frame and your time match up. I remember all your earlier posts.

There has to be a point where we take a step back and look at ourselves.

My ex called me 78 times in 30 minutes and I ignored every single call and it was extraordinarily difficult to say the least, but since that time I’ve been NC and trying to get myself back to how I was.

Everyone has a sneaky peek at their ex’s social profiles, but if it’s getting to the point where you are checking them everyday and putting significance where there is no real significance, you’re just making yourself sick... .

I had to reach a point with myself where I had to say

If she wanted me and if she needed me and if she loved me then she would tell me and try to fix things. But she doesn’t anymore. And I’ll always love her and I’ll be thankful for the good times we had but the best thing I can do for her is to let her go and not hold onto something that just isn’t there anymore.

You have to let go at some point or become Gollum from Lord of the Rings
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Lostinanother
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« Reply #7 on: December 06, 2017, 04:05:14 AM »

The last time I checked Facebook I saw she had written on the replacements wall how much she loves him and how great he is... .that was about 5 days ago.
I found myself attaching significance and meaning to it;

Did she do that knowing I would check and to hurt me? To make me jealous?

And then I caught myself and thought; she probably wrote it because she means it and it’s time for me to let go because holding on to a relationship is the same as being handcuffed to a corpse. It’s time to cut the chain and go my own way and stop dragging this thing around pretending that it’s going to come to life and take some of the burden away... .

And unfortunately a lot of addicts try to convince themselves otherwise so they can hold on... .
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Cire155

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« Reply #8 on: December 06, 2017, 04:21:38 AM »


Truth is, I'm extremely tired. Tired of caring. Tired of seeking advice. Tired of having absolutely no answers while I live with the scars he left behind. And, you know what? I'm tired of feeling sad at watching the one person I ever loved follow in the footsteps of his abusive father. I came to this website at the suggestion of a book I'm reading "Walking On Eggshells." I wanted understanding outside of my therapy sessions, but, as it stands, have yet to really find that here. I think this may very well be my last post. I'm discouraged. If "getting over it" was as simple as it sounds then, believe me, I would snap my fingers and be "over it." Sadly, it's not, and I don't think I'll be "over it" for a long, long time.

We all have been in your shoes. I read "Stop Walking On Eggshells", "The Everything Guide to BPD", "BPD for Dummies" etc. I tried to understand the illness and how this person's brain ticks. The more I found out the more it did nothing for me. It just made me focus on them and not myself. I started looking at improving myself rather than waste time to find the causes and reasons behind an illness I didn't have. I looked at my childhood (with help from my T) and saw why I was vulnerable to this person and was a Codependent in my relationship. I read more books " Codependency No More", "Facing Codependency" and took a hard look at myself. I relate it to this. You were in a hit and run. You can sit there at the scene of the accident with your broken car figuring  out all the possibilities of different scenarios on what might have caused this. While time is passing by, your car is sitting still there and you have done nothing to repair it. Concentrate on yourself and it will help you more than anything with this. People often confuse NC as a technique to forget the person you were with. NC is your timeout to heal YOURSELF. I'm so grateful I met my exwBPD because it made me look at myself. I'm not going to keep blaming a burglar when it was me that left the door unlocked. I left the door unlocked for this type of person because of my childhood. Anywho, everyone here has your best intentions. If you ever need to just vent or need advice just message or pvt message. You will get through this
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« Reply #9 on: December 06, 2017, 05:31:35 AM »

JWebb88, looks like your post has had a lot of interest so far and they have provided some very rational help for you to emotionally cut loose from your past relationship. I feel however this is not what you have come to the site for nor have got what you wanted.

I know from my own personal experience that I wanted to rationalise the irrational. I wanted to make some sense of it all, to understand my wife. I love this woman and I know that she is not a bad person but a person that does bad things that hurt me. I have found great comfort in working through the chaos to create order. I have also felt like I was creating order out of chaos when I was trying to mind read checking the vapor-trail of whatsap. 

What is concerning you?
What behaviours do you want to understand?
How can we help you get to where you want to be?

It feels like you are stuck. You still have feelings for him. I for one believe that I will always have feelings for my uBPDw even though she has treated me unfairly and is now seeking a divorce. I have many many happy memories with her in the last 20 years, ones that to her feel insignificant, painted black and overshadowed by the abusive behaviour she feels I have been inflicting on her. It's hard to understand how this has happened and how to move on from it.

There's a lot of people on the boards, some at a similar stage to you and some more advanced. Some of us have managed to gain a very deep understanding of our own situations. All relationships are different and all BPD relationships are similarly different. You'll be lucky to find friends who can empathise as unless you have been in a BPD relationship you just don't quite get it. Give us a chance to help you with your understanding such that you can work things through, gain some peace and start being more outcome focused.
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Lost-love-mind
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« Reply #10 on: December 06, 2017, 05:57:37 AM »

Beezle,
TBH my posts were written with you in mind aswell because my time frame... .

Everyone has a sneaky peek at their ex’s social profiles, but if it’s getting to the point where you are checking them everyday and putting significance where there is no real significance, you’re just making yourself sick... .

I had to reach a point with myself where I had to say

If she wanted me and if she needed me and if she loved me then she would tell me and try to fix things. But she doesn’t anymore. And I’ll always love her and I’ll be thankful for the good times we had but the best thing I can do for her is to let her go and not hold onto something that just isn’t there anymore.

You have to let go at some point or become Gollum from Lord of the Rings
Lostinanother
Your empathy is much appreciated.
Your insight into cyber-ghosting (not stalking) is "spot on".
On my recent post another non sort of diminished/minimized my short 2 mos r/s with my exBPD. I admit now I ignored red flags in the love bombing stage and was validating my low self esteem after my ex-wife announced her engagement to her new husband.
The entire breakup with my exBPD defeated my ego (yes, ego as I was diagnosed with narcissism tendencies). I was angry. Chose my current name beezle as a conduit of the devil. Sent her nasty emails about her past failed marriages to 2 different musicians met in her goth bar days. Terrible past if the 2 exhubby(s) found on the internet since the underground music scene was fairly big news in this Christian community due it's open debauchery in the 90's.
My exBPD didn't deserve that as she is hopefully leading a regular proletariat lifestyle and can find her Prince charming with a great guy with a similar background and lifestyle.
I worked on myself for the last 3 mos. and yes I had a cyberstalk relapse just like a drug addict.
I'm now convinced that there is no chance for reconciliation. I have no idea of a replacement since her FB is devoid of any changes. She hated FB and never wanted her name disclosed when I posted pics of us together. (I know immediately everybody thinks that she had someone else at the same time. However due to a constant texting with me it would have been extremely difficult for her to handle two of us at the same time. I'm texting every 5 to 10 minutes.)
Anyway, I feel like the dybbuk (a malicious possessing spirit believed to be the dislocated soul of a dead person) is being lifted with a slow exorcism.
Once again. Thanks.lostinanother. - we are family.
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Lostinanother
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« Reply #11 on: December 06, 2017, 08:02:16 AM »

The Johnny Cash version of Hurt springs to mind

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
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« Reply #12 on: December 06, 2017, 11:49:41 AM »

The Johnny Cash version of Hurt springs to mind

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Add Wicked Game lyrics of Chris Isaak

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you

[Chorus 1:]
No, I don't want to fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I don't want to fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)
With you. (This world is only gonna break your heart)

[Verse 2:]
What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you
What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way
What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you and

[Chorus 2:]
I want to fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I want to fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)
With you

[Interlude]

[Verse 3:]
The world was on fire and no one could save me but you
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do
I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you
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schwing
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« Reply #13 on: December 06, 2017, 01:11:14 PM »

Hello JWebb88,

I know caring about this is probably beneath me as well as juvenile, but it does hurt me. I suppose it is due to the fact that this most recent action proves he will never change. By stopping his "breadcrumbs" of attention, it signifies that the person I cared about is truly gone.

I don't think caring about your ex's cyber-ghosting is "beneath" you.  I do think it is important that you recognize that even this minute indirect contact hurts you and you should do what you must to protect yourself from being unnecessarily hurt.

I don't believe that any person with BPD (pwBPD) will change until/unless they recover from their disorder.  So long as they have this disorder, the person they are (their identity) is not even consistent from relationship to relationship.  I have learned to accept that my BPD loved one was never who I thought she was; she was never the person who I fell in love with, only a simulacrum of someone I could love.

And as I understand this disorder, pwBPD only show you an indication that they love you when they need something from you; otherwise, you don't exist to them as they are focused on a new favorite person.

I will never get the opportunity to tell him how I feel or for us to reconcile.

It may be true that you may never get this opportunity.  But I think there is a value in finding (creative) outlets that allow you to express and validate your feelings.  So long as you reinforce the acceptance that you may never reconcile in the manner that you would hope (not so long as he has this disorder).

There is an illogical part of myself that feels guilty for having changed my password. Silly, isn't it? To feel guilt over something as simple as that? An act I have every right to do? Yet, the guilt and regret is there. It is that part of myself that worries about retribution as much as I worry about him never thinking of me again. It is a duel edge sword.

I think part of you wishes to blame yourself for his behavior because it may be easier for to you blame yourself (and feel guilty) than to consider (and accept) that his behavior (and his disorder) is completely outside of your control or ability to influence/affect.  Sometimes it is preferable to accept (unjustified) fault to avoid feeling hopeless.

The same friend also believes M still misses me, especially since he's in a pretty awful situation with the new girl. I honestly don't know what to believe anymore.

If your friend is not acquainted with this disorder, then I think your friend is just trying to reconcile his current behavior with his past behavior which is difficult when dealing with a person with a personality disorder.

You might consider that your exbf has mounted a distortion campaign against you and this may be what is fueling his current gf's behavior against you.  What she is doing to you may have more to do with what he tells her about you rather than a reflection of her own mental health.

... .as much as I research these disorders and study them (I'm working towards a degree in psychology), I cannot fathom how the love, care, patience and empathy I gave made zero impact.

Consider comparing people with personality disorder with people who suffer from addiction behaviors: it does not matter how much love, care, patience or empathy you impart on them if they are in denial that they even have a problem and are unwilling to change behavior that (from their perspective) continues to work for them.

If he misses me as well as regrets his decisions then simply contact me. Write me an e-mail, send me a text, Facebook message me, call, write a letter or send a message on Reddit. There are a plethora of ways to get a hold of me.

Consider this possibility: he is focused on his current favorite person.  But he now his disordered feelings (such as fear of abandonment) is overwhelming him to the point that he is actively looking for possible exits.  You used to be in a relationship with him, and so you are a possible exit.  Perhaps he was trying to get more information about you to see if there is any opportunity.  Sometimes that is all they need: to know that the exit is there if/until they need to use it.

And then of course, you may not be the only other possible "exit" plan.  If your door is closed, then he may just look for another.

Is the emotional roller coaster over? Has he tried to reach out for the last time? Most people in my life (my psychiatrist and therapist included) think most likely not. Rarely do people with cluster B personality disorders change their patterns, yet I wish I could have a more definitive answer.

Maybe he will no longer try to ghost you, maybe he will continue to do so for the next ten years.  I think it is important to consider that he is doing what he is doing to help him manage his disorder (and it is working for him) while your reaction to his behavior is putting you on an "emotional roller coaster."

I hope some of what I write is helpful to you.

Best wishes,

Schwing
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #14 on: December 06, 2017, 01:57:49 PM »

The Johnny Cash version of Hurt springs to mind

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real

When my ex broke up with me, she posted this line on her instagram account. I wonder if she's really aware or not.
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JWebb88

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« Reply #15 on: December 12, 2017, 04:30:24 AM »

Hey now, hold on a sec.

I’ve been in exactly the same place as you. I know you’re extraordinarily hurt at the moment.
I’m 4 months from discard and 2 weeks NC... .
I really didn’t mean to be insensitive. I was just trying to explain that at some point there has to come a time where you stop looking at signs in curtain twitches... .
I’ve been there too and you’re just hurting yourself.
You do have to let go and admit the fact that if he wanted you, he would be with you. But he got another girl pregnant and he stayed with her.
He hasn’t contacted you or apologized to you.
You have to see the reality of the situation so you can let go and move on to someone better JW.
I’m in the same situation; I looked at my ex’s Facebook and wondered if she was sending me signs or trying to make me jealous; but I realised the more time I spend thinking about her is just more time keeping me in this dark limbo of lost souls... .
I send you love JW and I’m giving this advice with love because I’ve been where you are now.


I realize now you were trying to be supportive. I got sensitive because there are people in my life who seem to think I should be over this. Like I should snap my fingers and suddenly be okay with everything. I guess being told that so often has made me edgy. I apologize. You're also right, I don't think I'll ever make actual sense of my ex boyfriend's behavior. It's just part of who I am really. There's a part of me that feels that if I can just make some sort of sense of this disorder then I can move on. I can accept things easier as well as prepare myself for any further weirdness (which has occurred rather recently). In any case, I do want to move past all this hurt. I'd like to be happy again if it is at all possible. Hopefully I someday will be.
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JWebb88

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« Reply #16 on: December 12, 2017, 04:35:43 AM »

Your boyfriend regards you as an extension of himself, something that he has trouble ever discarding completely no matter how much he slings at you, nor when and if his mind changes will he expect you to be anything but forgiving. I don't even really know what you are asking if its why he hasn't discarded you completely he never will, but it is not because there are any residual feelings of what you might call love, more like a once treasured possesion that badly failed him and he has discarded but has a niggling feeling that he might need it again one day. Hope this helps

I think you're right. He needs a fall back in case his new girl leaves or someone to massage his ego. Either way, whatever his reasons, the apology I seek isn't going to come. I also doubt I'll ever really understand him. I just wish I could make sense of all this pain as well as why my ex does the things he does. Anyway, I appreciate your feedback. It was helpful.
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JWebb88

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« Reply #17 on: December 12, 2017, 04:39:10 AM »

We all have been in your shoes. I read "Stop Walking On Eggshells", "The Everything Guide to BPD", "BPD for Dummies" etc. I tried to understand the illness and how this person's brain ticks. The more I found out the more it did nothing for me. It just made me focus on them and not myself. I started looking at improving myself rather than waste time to find the causes and reasons behind an illness I didn't have. I looked at my childhood (with help from my T) and saw why I was vulnerable to this person and was a Codependent in my relationship. I read more books " Codependency No More", "Facing Codependency" and took a hard look at myself. I relate it to this. You were in a hit and run. You can sit there at the scene of the accident with your broken car figuring  out all the possibilities of different scenarios on what might have caused this. While time is passing by, your car is sitting still there and you have done nothing to repair it. Concentrate on yourself and it will help you more than anything with this. People often confuse NC as a technique to forget the person you were with. NC is your timeout to heal YOURSELF. I'm so grateful I met my exwBPD because it made me look at myself. I'm not going to keep blaming a burglar when it was me that left the door unlocked. I left the door unlocked for this type of person because of my childhood. Anywho, everyone here has your best intentions. If you ever need to just vent or need advice just message or pvt message. You will get through this

Thank you so much for your kind words. You are also absolutely right: I need to heal. It's what I am sincerely trying to do. I've been in therapy a year and am proceeding with NC. Honestly, as sad as this entire ordeal has made me I just want to move forward. I'm tried of hurting every single day. I'd like to experience genuine peace, happiness, and contentment again. Here's hoping I can get there. Also, I may very well message you in the near future. It would be nice to talk about this heartbreak with someone else that can understand it.
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JWebb88

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« Reply #18 on: December 12, 2017, 04:46:00 AM »

JWebb88, looks like your post has had a lot of interest so far and they have provided some very rational help for you to emotionally cut loose from your past relationship. I feel however this is not what you have come to the site for nor have got what you wanted.

I know from my own personal experience that I wanted to rationalise the irrational. I wanted to make some sense of it all, to understand my wife. I love this woman and I know that she is not a bad person but a person that does bad things that hurt me. I have found great comfort in working through the chaos to create order. I have also felt like I was creating order out of chaos when I was trying to mind read checking the vapor-trail of whatsap. 

What is concerning you?
What behaviours do you want to understand?
How can we help you get to where you want to be?

It feels like you are stuck. You still have feelings for him. I for one believe that I will always have feelings for my uBPDw even though she has treated me unfairly and is now seeking a divorce. I have many many happy memories with her in the last 20 years, ones that to her feel insignificant, painted black and overshadowed by the abusive behaviour she feels I have been inflicting on her. It's hard to understand how this has happened and how to move on from it.

There's a lot of people on the boards, some at a similar stage to you and some more advanced. Some of us have managed to gain a very deep understanding of our own situations. All relationships are different and all BPD relationships are similarly different. You'll be lucky to find friends who can empathise as unless you have been in a BPD relationship you just don't quite get it. Give us a chance to help you with your understanding such that you can work things through, gain some peace and start being more outcome focused.

I have to admit you hit the nail on the head about me being dissatisfied with the responses. I suppose I wanted someone to say there was an underlying meaning to his actions. That however odd he may behave its some weird attempt to reach out to me and to show he cares. I truly believed this man was the person I would spend the rest of my life with. He had been my best friend after all. My safe place. Now, he's become a cruel stranger. I need to accept that as much as I learn about BPD I will never get the closure I seek through my newly gained knowledge. Each person as well as relationship is unique so, too, is M. Whatever he is thinking, feeling, or doing I need to ignore it. It's just hard to. I still love him. I most likely will always love him even if I meet someone new. Still, the past offers me no respite nor joy. I need to focus on the present because I'd like to create a happier future. I'd like to be free of this pain.
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JWebb88

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« Reply #19 on: December 12, 2017, 04:48:15 AM »

Hello JWebb88,

I don't think caring about your ex's cyber-ghosting is "beneath" you.  I do think it is important that you recognize that even this minute indirect contact hurts you and you should do what you must to protect yourself from being unnecessarily hurt.

I don't believe that any person with BPD (pwBPD) will change until/unless they recover from their disorder.  So long as they have this disorder, the person they are (their identity) is not even consistent from relationship to relationship.  I have learned to accept that my BPD loved one was never who I thought she was; she was never the person who I fell in love with, only a simulacrum of someone I could love.

And as I understand this disorder, pwBPD only show you an indication that they love you when they need something from you; otherwise, you don't exist to them as they are focused on a new favorite person.

It may be true that you may never get this opportunity.  But I think there is a value in finding (creative) outlets that allow you to express and validate your feelings.  So long as you reinforce the acceptance that you may never reconcile in the manner that you would hope (not so long as he has this disorder).

I think part of you wishes to blame yourself for his behavior because it may be easier for to you blame yourself (and feel guilty) than to consider (and accept) that his behavior (and his disorder) is completely outside of your control or ability to influence/affect.  Sometimes it is preferable to accept (unjustified) fault to avoid feeling hopeless.

If your friend is not acquainted with this disorder, then I think your friend is just trying to reconcile his current behavior with his past behavior which is difficult when dealing with a person with a personality disorder.

You might consider that your exbf has mounted a distortion campaign against you and this may be what is fueling his current gf's behavior against you.  What she is doing to you may have more to do with what he tells her about you rather than a reflection of her own mental health.

Consider comparing people with personality disorder with people who suffer from addiction behaviors: it does not matter how much love, care, patience or empathy you impart on them if they are in denial that they even have a problem and are unwilling to change behavior that (from their perspective) continues to work for them.

Consider this possibility: he is focused on his current favorite person.  But he now his disordered feelings (such as fear of abandonment) is overwhelming him to the point that he is actively looking for possible exits.  You used to be in a relationship with him, and so you are a possible exit.  Perhaps he was trying to get more information about you to see if there is any opportunity.  Sometimes that is all they need: to know that the exit is there if/until they need to use it.

And then of course, you may not be the only other possible "exit" plan.  If your door is closed, then he may just look for another.

Maybe he will no longer try to ghost you, maybe he will continue to do so for the next ten years.  I think it is important to consider that he is doing what he is doing to help him manage his disorder (and it is working for him) while your reaction to his behavior is putting you on an "emotional roller coaster."

I hope some of what I write is helpful to you.

Best wishes,

Schwing

Schwing, thank you so much for your detailed reply. Your insight and honesty was extremely eye opening. It's what I needed to read. I plan on bookmarking this page so I can re-read your advice. Again, your words were most appreciated. Thank you!  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #20 on: December 12, 2017, 07:21:22 AM »

This might help, Really the worst thing for someone with BPD is to be in a close relationship, it places them under pressures they are not emotionally equipped to handle,  friends a brother or sister, so they are not alone and who they can swap between when things get difficult is there  best option or an emotionally distant relationship, and perhaps a string of one night stands, it depends on the person suffering.

If you want to be part of that picture you could help them else do yourself a favour and let it go .

All the best
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JWebb88

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« Reply #21 on: December 14, 2017, 03:41:25 AM »

This might help, Really the worst thing for someone with BPD is to be in a close relationship, it places them under pressures they are not emotionally equipped to handle,  friends a brother or sister, so they are not alone and who they can swap between when things get difficult is there  best option or an emotionally distant relationship, and perhaps a string of one night stands, it depends on the person suffering.

If you want to be part of that picture you could help them else do yourself a favour and let it go .

All the best

If that is the case then I wonder why he invested in 2 1/2 years together then strung me along for 10 months after our breakup? He also keeps popping back into my life, despite the fact he was unfaithful and got his coworker pregnant (he left me for her). In fact, after 2 months of no contact after his baby momma harassed me via text he sent a rather condescending email. It came off as boasting more than wishing me to find my own happiness. Felt like he just wanted to pour salt into an already festering wound.

My therapist as well as those close to me think this is more mind games. My ex wants a reaction from me etc. I wonder if this "I'll never speak to you again goodbye forever" crap is for real this time? I just know he has broken my heart in ways no other human being ever has. He even had the audacity to say he "enjoyed our time together" and "sorry for how things ended." Words I found delivered with little sincerity. It was beyond hurtful and odd.

As for letting him go, I have. I only stayed in contact when I believed he was having a mental breakdown. Destroying our closeness due to his fear of abandonment. I didn't even think his new gf was anything really serious, especially the way he talked to me post break. He always asked me if I was still single, if I had any feelings, that he missed me, wanted pics, and even got jealous at the thought of me moving on. A part of me thinks these declarations would have continued if I had not found out about his new child. I had no clue there was a pregnancy until 2 months ago (thus the no contact).

I suppose I'll never get any sort of real closure or answers. Whatever my ex is feeling, thinking, or doing is completely his problem. I've been trying to sort out his behavior because of the painful impact it has had on me. I'm one of those types of people that tries to figure out all angles in order to get some sort of understanding. It's why I've been posting on these boards. Either way, I am doing my best to let him go. I do not intend to contact him, am sorting out my deeper feelings, as well as pursuing therapy. I know I need to get to a place where I feel no guilt on actually blocking him everywhere. I don't think this will ever end until I do. Both my psychiatrist and therapist think he'll just keep coming back.

Anyway, thank you for your input. Here's hoping my ex pulls himself together for his son's sake. I know he probably isn't happy, yet this is his choice. I haven't done anything to illicit such treatment nor was I the one that ever betrayed him. Though, he probably has rewritten the history of how things happened in his own mind. Nothing is ever seen through clear lenses for someone suffering from this disorder. I probably do seem like a sad desperate person to him even though I have not ever reached out. Whatever happens, I just hope I can one day get past this and find someone who doesn't run from love, but values it.
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« Reply #22 on: December 15, 2017, 01:32:09 AM »

When he distanced himself from you and found another partner understandably his fear of you abandoning him lessened and he found himself in a place where he could " forgive you" and reach out to you again, it really might all have been triggered by something as simple as you buying another toothbrush to start with,

It is easy to forget BPD is a serious mental disorder.
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JWebb88

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« Reply #23 on: December 15, 2017, 04:55:56 PM »

When he distanced himself from you and found another partner understandably his fear of you abandoning him lessened and he found himself in a place where he could " forgive you" and reach out to you again, it really might all have been triggered by something as simple as you buying another toothbrush to start with,

It is easy to forget BPD is a serious mental disorder.

Truthfully, I don't understand what his motives are. I highly doubt it was to actually "forgive me." I also understand BPD is a serious mental disorder. That is something that never slips my mind. This whole ordeal has broken my heart and not just for myself, but for him. M will never get any better, especially with someone even more unbalanced than he is as his girlfriend. I'm sincerely sad for him. I wanted more for him. I wanted him to heal as well as succeed. Now, sadly, my ex boyfriend is following in his abusive deadbeat father's footsteps. He is literally living his one greatest fear and I am powerless to help him. No matter how you look at it this situation is terrible. I will eventually heal, however, M will not. He will never be free since he will never seek help. Not now. Not ever.
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