I took revenge on BPD ex after she got back in contact

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Hello everyone;

So, this was my story with my BPD ex https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=316511.0

She contacted me every now and then after break up, I sort of rejected her everytime, and 3 months after that, she contacts me again. I sort of moved on so I talked, and we texted back and forth, suddenly, she starts talking about other guys in her life, and how she only attracts toxic men, then she suffers and doesn't know why she's suffering. She kept talking about a guy that she also talked about when we were getting to know each other before getting together, same guy. She said, after two months of us breaking up, that they went out, then he came over her place, and wanted to have sex but she felt disgusted so she sort of kicked him out, then he disappeared for 2 weeks, showed up at her doorstep and she didn't open the door for him. Then he blocked her, and one week later he unblocks her to tell her ''F*ck you'' in her birthday.

Funny, we were still together during her birthday, so it seems all of that happened while we were still together. I called her out on it, tried confronting her, but she kept denying that she cheated, and said ''I just got the timings mixed up, but I know I didn't double both of you up in a relationship''. That was the moment I realized that whatever she says she didn't do, is probably exactly what she does. A bit paranoid? Maybe, but it makes sense. Like how she told me about another guy that she also knew after we broke up, then I told her it's okay that you knew other guys and stuff after we broke up, I know how hard it is to be alone. She replied ''Noo, I really didn't hook up with him or anything''

So this is what I mean when she just comes up with an extreme answer, that wasn't even called for, that really indicates she's trying to hide whatever she says she didn't do. It's very sad, pathetic, and stupid. Specially that we're not even together anymore, why even keep lying about it?

I still have no idea why'd she just admit all of that without me even asking her about other guys, I guess maybe she felt guilty about it and just subconsciously admitted it? I don't know. But I really punished her for it, I pretty much used every secret she told me about her, against her. About her childhood, her family, everything. I emotionally abused her, a lot. Then we blocked each other. I know this is is not the correct way to go, but to be honest, I don't feel bad about it, not one bit. I actually feel much better than the first time when we broke up and I felt hurt and walked all over, helpless. I don't feel that way now, BPD or not, it doesn't excuse her behavior as a spoiled child who thinks they can get away with anything. She even told me before blocking each other that she's in a relationship (Even though in the beginning she made it seem like she was totally alone, done with men, and that they're toxic bla bla bla) Guess she was trying to triangulate, or use me as an emotional support when her boyfriend is not around or whatever. She told me that she was going to call the police on me because I kinda blackmailed her with private pictures/videos (Even though I had no intention of doing anything with them, I was just taking revenge, wanted her to feel pain for a bit). Anyway, when she told me she will call the police, I blackmailed her some more, and told her I have screenshots of conversations I had where she admitted serious offends that can get her thrown in jail (She really admitted to doing awful stuff). I pretty much used every damn secret against her, and to be honest, I hope I made her cry. In the end, I told her she shows strong traits of BPD, then cut off contact, and blocked her.

If there's something I learned about taking revenge, is that it sort of erases the conflict, everyone who broke up with their BPD ex being the good guy while she's being a horrible person, feels conflict, feels stuck. That's what I felt after breaking up with her, I didn't do anything wrong to her, yet she was literally being a b*tch. Now, I feel like I took all the power back, and really, really hurt her. It's a childish approach, definitely not the moral way to go, but she's nothing but immoral, giving her some of her own medicine really feels relieving. She said she will live everyday paranoid if I'm going to expose those private pictures/videos or not, and that greatly satisfies me. (Even though I'm never exposing them), .

Has anyone taken revenge on their BPD ex before? :D

[Danny_99]

Hello everyone;

So, this was my story with my BPD ex https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=316511.0

She contacted me every now and then after break up, I sort of rejected her everytime, and 3 months after that, she contacts me again. I sort of moved on so I talked, and we texted back and forth, suddenly, she starts talking about other guys in her life, and how she only attracts toxic men, then she suffers and doesn't know why she's suffering. She kept talking about a guy that she also talked about when we were getting to know each other before getting together, same guy. She said, after two months of us breaking up, that they went out, then he came over her place, and wanted to have sex but she felt disgusted so she sort of kicked him out, then he disappeared for 2 weeks, showed up at her doorstep and she didn't open the door for him. Then he blocked her, and one week later he unblocks her to tell her ''F*ck you'' in her birthday.

Funny, we were still together during her birthday, so it seems all of that happened while we were still together. I called her out on it, tried confronting her, but she kept denying that she cheated, and said ''I just got the timings mixed up, but I know I didn't double both of you up in a relationship''. That was the moment I realized that whatever she says she didn't do, is probably exactly what she does. A bit paranoid? Maybe, but it makes sense. Like how she told me about another guy that she also knew after we broke up, then I told her it's okay that you knew other guys and stuff after we broke up, I know how hard it is to be alone. She replied ''Noo, I really didn't hook up with him or anything''

So this is what I mean when she just comes up with an extreme answer, that wasn't even called for, that really indicates she's trying to hide whatever she says she didn't do. It's very sad, pathetic, and stupid. Specially that we're not even together anymore, why even keep lying about it?

I still have no idea why'd she just admit all of that without me even asking her about other guys, I guess maybe she felt guilty about it and just subconsciously admitted it? I don't know. But I really punished her for it, I pretty much used every secret she told me about her, against her. About her childhood, her family, everything. I emotionally abused her, a lot. Then we blocked each other. I know this is is not the correct way to go, but to be honest, I don't feel bad about it, not one bit. I actually feel much better than the first time when we broke up and I felt hurt and walked all over, helpless. I don't feel that way now, BPD or not, it doesn't excuse her behavior as a spoiled child who thinks they can get away with anything. She even told me before blocking each other that she's in a relationship (Even though in the beginning she made it seem like she was totally alone, done with men, and that they're toxic bla bla bla) Guess she was trying to triangulate, or use me as an emotional support when her boyfriend is not around or whatever. She told me that she was going to call the police on me because I kinda blackmailed her with private pictures/videos (Even though I had no intention of doing anything with them, I was just taking revenge, wanted her to feel pain for a bit). Anyway, when she told me she will call the police, I blackmailed her some more, and told her I have screenshots of conversations I had where she admitted serious offends that can get her thrown in jail (She really admitted to doing awful stuff). I pretty much used every damn secret against her, and to be honest, I hope I made her cry. In the end, I told her she shows strong traits of BPD, then cut off contact, and blocked her.

If there's something I learned about taking revenge, is that it sort of erases the conflict, everyone who broke up with their BPD ex being the good guy while she's being a horrible person, feels conflict, feels stuck. That's what I felt after breaking up with her, I didn't do anything wrong to her, yet she was literally being a b*tch. Now, I feel like I took all the power back, and really, really hurt her. It's a childish approach, definitely not the moral way to go, but she's nothing but immoral, giving her some of her own medicine really feels relieving. She said she will live everyday paranoid if I'm going to expose those private pictures/videos or not, and that greatly satisfies me. (Even though I'm never exposing them), .

Has anyone taken revenge on their BPD ex before? :D

[once removed]

it sounds like theres a lot of hurt here. i reread your story, and i understand it was, for a time, a pretty intoxicating relationship for you, and i imagine it hurt a lot to lose that.

I actually feel much better than the first time when we broke up and I felt hurt and walked all over, helpless

If there's something I learned about taking revenge, is that it sort of erases the conflict, everyone who broke up with their BPD ex being the good guy while she's being a horrible person, feels conflict, feels stuck. That's what I felt after breaking up with her, I didn't do anything wrong to her, yet she was literally being a b*tch. Now, I feel like I took all the power back, and really, really hurt her.

do you think this is what was driving you to get revenge? reversing a sense of rejection?

[Danny_99]

Not necessarily reversing the rules, as much as just making her hurt. I never hurt her, even though she kept hurting me. And when we reconnected, she still tried to hurt me. Taking revenge on her and hurting her really, really felt like some justice for me. I actually kept trying to understand her before things went downhill after we reconnected. And of course, she never took responsibility for anything that happened between us, she told me I was cold with her, and even then she still cared for my feelings. (By dating other guys, telling me I remind her of a very bad relationship, telling me it's not in my best interest to know who she's talking to). I told her that each one of us has their own version of how they saw things, at least I admit my mistakes and apologized for them. She said: ''you admitted them because you felt like you were wrong, why would I admit anything if I don't feel I'm wrong?'' Then I said: ''Exactly.'' Then she got all defensive, telling me how unfair it is for her to be seen in such an ''unfavorable light''. Like, damn, there really is absolutely no way to get through to her. I guess I was trying to affirm my suspicion that she does indeed have strong BPD traits. After asking some questions, she admitted these things to me:

Her: There's no justice, only punishment. When someone tries to hurt me, I punish them.
Her: I attract toxic men, then I suffer, then I don't understand why I suffer.
Her: When I start hating someone, it's only downhill from there, and things can never be the same.
Her: I had a rough relationship with my mom, we were never close. And they put me in day care when I was a few months old because I had problems in my lungs.
Her: I feel like a pendulum, swinging back and forth between being content and being totally angry.
Her: I got so drunk yesterday, and threw up everywhere in my apartment (That was after I emotionally blackmailed her).

Anyway, regarding the punishment part, I felt I should give her some dose of her own distorted thinking. There was nothing to salvage anyway after she indirectly admitted to cheating, taking revenge really made me feel good. (I know that sounds really crazy). And one of the reasons I'm glad I did it is that she admitted to having a boyfriend ONLY after I started being abusive, if she didn't admit that or the fact that she's cheated, I might have fallen for how lonely and miserable she made herself seem to me. I had to sabotage the whole thing, it really brings some sense of relief, knowing there's absolutely no chance of reconciling. I know that sounds utterly insane xD But it really felt right for me. And I sort of don't feel remorse at all.

[once removed]

I had to sabotage the whole thing, it really brings some sense of relief, knowing there's absolutely no chance of reconciling. I know that sounds utterly insane xD But it really felt right for me. And I sort of don't feel remorse at all.

many of us have fantasized about revenge, if not acted on it. whats done is done.

i would suggest that a key part of healing is learning to be more mature after the breakup than we were during it. you beat yourself up a lot, in your story. you used words like weak and pathetic. i can understand that. ive kicked myself even years later for over pursuing or wearing my heart on my sleeve. learning to cope with the pain of rejection and injustice have gone a long way for me today. i think, at the end of the day, while it made you feel powerful for now, sabotaging things is just the extreme opposite end of the spectrum.

what does jump out at me, is that you say its not the mature or moral thing to do (your standard), but then justify it. that tells me that you are in conflict with your values.

what do you think?

[Danny_99]

many of us have fantasized about revenge, if not acted on it. whats done is done.

i would suggest that a key part of healing is learning to be more mature after the breakup than we were during it. you beat yourself up a lot, in your story. you used words like weak and pathetic. i can understand that. ive kicked myself even years later for over pursuing or wearing my heart on my sleeve. learning to cope with the pain of rejection and injustice have gone a long way for me today. i think, at the end of the day, while it made you feel powerful for now, sabotaging things is just the extreme opposite end of the spectrum.

what does jump out at me, is that you say its not the mature or moral thing to do (your standard), but then justify it. that tells me that you are in conflict with your values.

what do you think?

You're right, I really did beat myself up a lot. And kept going back and forth between blaming myself or blaming her.

No, I'm not trying to justify what I did, it's exactly like how someone calls a girl a b*tch after constantly pushing his buttons. Is there a justification for it? Nope. Is there a reason for it? Most probably. I did what I had to do. She kept punishing me for so long, for things I never did, things that existed only in her head. I was always mature, always understanding, but the more mature I am, the more immature she gets. I thought mirroring her behavior and taking it to the extreme would be a nice change. And I will never, ever apologize for it. I am perfectly sure she sees any apology as a weakness. Am I proud of what I did? No, but I would still do it again. I even told her in the end that she comes from a cheating, invalidating, f*cked up family, and that of course she's not going to turn out any different than them. Which is true. Morality doesn't work with her. She sees morality as weakness. She likes to be abused.

[Kelli Cornett]

I'll say I said it once and i'll say it again... .you can't break something that's already broken.

[crushedagain]

I have to be honest, I've fantasized about saying mean things to my ex if she called me (which I seriously doubt she ever will). But I realize I would fell terrible about myself deep down, so I won't do it. The way I see it is I already have some regrets about my behavior during the relationship, like times when I wish I would have paid more attention to her when she was hurting rather than shutting down, etc., and I wasn't being mean at all, just a little selfish after I had grown tired of her childlike behaviors. If things like that gave me regret, I would be beside myself with guilt if I intentionally hurt her, so not only do I not want to do that to her, I don't want to do it to myself.

[Danny_99]

I have to be honest, I've fantasized about saying mean things to my ex if she called me (which I seriously doubt she ever will). But I realize I would fell terrible about myself deep down, so I won't do it. The way I see it is I already have some regrets about my behavior during the relationship, like times when I wish I would have paid more attention to her when she was hurting rather than shutting down, etc., and I wasn't being mean at all, just a little selfish after I had grown tired of her childlike behaviors. If things like that gave me regret, I would be beside myself with guilt if I intentionally hurt her, so not only do I not want to do that to her, I don't want to do it to myself.

Well, we're not perfect, but I assure you, if you showed that you care. She'll up her game and make you feel even worse anyway. That's what my ex did, no matter what I did, she would first draw me in, then attack, either by being emotionally abusive, giving me the silent treatment, or just being disrespectful. I swear it was a pattern, everytime we talked after she split me black, at first she would be so loving, then, shortly after she would turn to a b*tch. Hard to not get caught up with that when you care. If she split you black, regardless of what you do, it will be viewed as if you're trying to manipulate her and she will act according to that. There's literally nothing you can do, and once they start hating someone, it's only downhill from there (She told me that).

True though that she probably doesn't care as long there's a nice guy satisfying her needs right now. It did give me great satisfaction when she was talking normally, then all of a sudden, she gave me the silent treatment, I asked her why, and she said ''I'm in a relationship, and he's checking to see if you violated any laws, could you please send me your address so we can know where to send the police to? Or never mind, we'll figure it out on our own.''

I said ''I still have the videos, I also have screenshots of conversations we had when you admitted **** (awful things that can get her thrown to jail for years), so go ahead, I f*cking dare you'' then she became silent, and I continued emotionally abusing her =]

[Justbecause]

I understand what you did, once the dust clears you are left with a very clear view of these people's lies, contradictions and pain. They cause you so much hurt and offense and then deny you closure, it is emotional abuse and it feels like trauma. Should they ever reconnect, you are left with complete power, which would be hard not to yield punitively.

I think very hard still about what to say should my ex be stupid enough to contact me, since I now know everything and she must know that. But, I also know that if she did contact me she must not fully understand what she did, or she'd know what she could get back.

Whatever she is going through, if she is BPD then confrontation and a harsh reality check might push her to change, it might push her to self harm.

Ask yourself what your real opinion of her is? Is she a dirty lying scum bag, or is she dealing with a complex pd which from your quotes of her sounds possible. It's sympathy ( which a portion of pity) which is getting me out from under her.

That's what mine will get should she ever contact, pity and no more

[Danny_99]

I understand what you did, once the dust clears you are left with a very clear view of these people's lies, contradictions and pain. They cause you so much hurt and offense and then deny you closure, it is emotional abuse and it feels like trauma. Should they ever reconnect, you are left with complete power, which would be hard not to yield punitively.

I think very hard still about what to say should my ex be stupid enough to contact me, since I now know everything and she must know that. But, I also know that if she did contact me she must not fully understand what she did, or she'd know what she could get back.

Whatever she is going through, if she is BPD then confrontation and a harsh reality check might push her to change, it might push her to self harm.

Ask yourself what your real opinion of her is? Is she a dirty lying scum bag, or is she dealing with a complex pd which from your quotes of her sounds possible. It's sympathy ( which a portion of pity) which is getting me out from under her.

That's what mine will get should she ever contact, pity and no more

That's what I felt like when we first reconnected, pity and sympathy, until she admitted (even not consciously) the cheating part. I kind of flipped then, and thought to hell with her and her disorder, I hear a lot of people with BPD aren't that delusional, aren't that bad, and don't cheat on their partners. I think I have some BPD traits too, but I'm more of an acting ''in'' type, I wasn't always like this, I think I was an acting out type, but I made myself self aware enough to internalize the pain (While not necessarily resolving it), but it made me thoughtful, considerate, and way less delusional. She refuses to take any responsibility, she even told me ''I don't think any pain from childhood could stick around for that long''. She's 35 and I'm 27, yet she's so determined to keep being delusional. Our last contact was me sending her an SMS after we blocked each other on whatsapp, telling her I think she has strong traits of BPD. I doubt she'll take a reality check because I definitely wasn't on her side while saying that as I said it after totally hurting her. but I had to say it nonetheless.

[Justbecause]

That's what I felt like when we first reconnected, pity and sympathy, until she admitted (even not consciously) the cheating part. I kind of flipped then, and thought to hell with her and her disorder, I hear a lot of people with BPD aren't that delusional, aren't that bad, and don't cheat on their partners. I think I have some BPD traits too, but I'm more of an acting ''in'' type, I wasn't always like this, I think I was an acting out type, but I made myself self aware enough to internalize the pain (While not necessarily resolving it), but it made me thoughtful, considerate, and way less delusional. She refuses to take any responsibility, she even told me ''I don't think any pain from childhood could stick around for that long''. She's 35 and I'm 27, yet she's so determined to keep being delusional. Our last contact was me sending her an SMS after we blocked each other on whatsapp, telling her I think she has strong traits of BPD. I doubt she'll take a reality check because I definitely wasn't on her side while saying that as I said it after totally hurting her. but I had to say it nonetheless.

Yes, I imagine their will never be any accountability and that is very irritating. Don't beat yourself up, it actually shows you are over it. We all have BPD/NPD traits, giving in to them is when we cross the line. What you did was probably deserved, I'd love that closure

[toomanydogs]

Hi Danny,
  I may be in the minority here, but I totally get where you're coming from. I absolutely friggin' hate my ex, well, still I'm technically married. Still hate him.
  I went after my H before he left. I got tired of being called "a fat, disgusting, lying, little c***." So I wrote a classified as if he were trying to replace me, which I never would have posted by the way, in which I outlined the parameters of our relationship, saying such things as my replacement would have a lovely family, but I (meaning my H) would never bother to get to know them unless of course it meant pictures on Facebook or Twitter, so he could pretend to be a wonderful stepfather and step grandfather.
  I have to say that even six months after I wrote I still feel okay about it. Probably 90% of the time that I was with my H, I made sure that I stayed emotionally stable. I didn't react. I didn't fight with him. I validated. I did it by the book, so I think if I went off the rails 10% of the time, that's okay.
  I have a very different opinion of people with BPD these days, and I have no sympathy, no empathy. None. I have no sympathy or understanding for my H's Psychiatrist, who chose to ignore everything I told her.
  I think my H is worse than nuclear waste. He infects everyone who comes in contact with him. I am furious that when I tried to get him to take responsibility for his actions, I couldn't get the P to back me on it. Further, when I first met her and asked if my H could learn to be respectful of those around him, she told me, "Well, as my father used to say, even a chicken can learn to dance."
  Personally, I think it's healthy that I'm tapping into my rage. I'm not acting on it now, but it's sure going into my writing, and since I write fiction, every last person I've had contact with these past 10 years will be the recipients of divine retribution. 
 Maybe when I get past the rage stage, I'll have sympathy for the people with this "complex mental disorder," but for now, uh-uh. I think they use it to justify the unjustifiable.
  My two cents on a Sunday morning,
TMD

[Pretty Woman]

Terrible.

I understand you are hurt and I understand your feeling of betrayal. I’ve been there, but how does doing the same thing to someone who is disordered and not processing things like we do ok?

We know better.

You have now given her exactly what she wants: to play victim, and technically she is, you are threatening her. If you texted or emailed any of this to her you have just made yourself the persecutor and that, that is exactly what she wants.

You just proved her right.  She certainly is the victim in this scenario.

In my relationship I did very manipulative things to keep my ex, things I am not proud of. At the time, I felt it was the only way to take control of the situation, make her see otherwise.

Thing is this... .it was immature. I was stooping  to her level and in that very moment no better than she was.

You know what’s most effective? Walking away. When you walk away and don’t give two shots about her, what she does, says etc, that my friend is closure.

[Danny_99]

Yes, I imagine their will never be any accountability and that is very irritating. Don't beat yourself up, it actually shows you are over it. We all have BPD/NPD traits, giving in to them is when we cross the line. What you did was probably deserved, I'd love that closure

Thanks man, I felt it was deserved it too.

[Danny_99]

Hi Danny,
  I may be in the minority here, but I totally get where you're coming from. I absolutely friggin' hate my ex, well, still I'm technically married. Still hate him.
  I went after my H before he left. I got tired of being called "a fat, disgusting, lying, little c***." So I wrote a classified as if he were trying to replace me, which I never would have posted by the way, in which I outlined the parameters of our relationship, saying such things as my replacement would have a lovely family, but I (meaning my H) would never bother to get to know them unless of course it meant pictures on Facebook or Twitter, so he could pretend to be a wonderful stepfather and step grandfather.
  I have to say that even six months after I wrote I still feel okay about it. Probably 90% of the time that I was with my H, I made sure that I stayed emotionally stable. I didn't react. I didn't fight with him. I validated. I did it by the book, so I think if I went off the rails 10% of the time, that's okay.
  I have a very different opinion of people with BPD these days, and I have no sympathy, no empathy. None. I have no sympathy or understanding for my H's Psychiatrist, who chose to ignore everything I told her.
  I think my H is worse than nuclear waste. He infects everyone who comes in contact with him. I am furious that when I tried to get him to take responsibility for his actions, I couldn't get the P to back me on it. Further, when I first met her and asked if my H could learn to be respectful of those around him, she told me, "Well, as my father used to say, even a chicken can learn to dance."
  Personally, I think it's healthy that I'm tapping into my rage. I'm not acting on it now, but it's sure going into my writing, and since I write fiction, every last person I've had contact with these past 10 years will be the recipients of divine retribution. 
 Maybe when I get past the rage stage, I'll have sympathy for the people with this "complex mental disorder," but for now, uh-uh. I think they use it to justify the unjustifiable.
  My two cents on a Sunday morning,
TMD

Lol, I like the last part. So true...

[Danny_99]

Terrible.

I understand you are hurt and I understand your feeling of betrayal. I’ve been there, but how does doing the same thing to someone who is disordered and not processing things like we do ok?

We know better.

You have now given her exactly what she wants: to play victim, and technically she is, you are threatening her. If you texted or emailed any of this to her you have just made yourself the persecutor and that, that is exactly what she wants.

You just proved her right.  She certainly is the victim in this scenario.

In my relationship I did very manipulative things to keep my ex, things I am not proud of. At the time, I felt it was the only way to take control of the situation, make her see otherwise.

Thing is this... .it was immature. I was stooping  to her level and in that very moment no better than she was.

You know what’s most effective? Walking away. When you walk away and don’t give two shots about her, what she does, says etc, that my friend is closure.

You're right, I did stoop so low, even lower than her level

[Danny_99]

You're right, I did stoop so low, even lower than her level

She will play victim anyway, she played victim when I first knew her, she played victim when we reconnected after breaking up, and she will certainly continue to do so. So why not give her a reason?

[Justbecause]

You're right, I did stoop so low, even lower than her level

She will play victim anyway, she played victim when I first knew her, she played victim when we reconnected after breaking up, and she will certainly crontinue to do so. So why not give her a reason?

Thing is I only ever tried to support and forgive my ex, she still claimed I was abusing her. They are a victim whatever the action, I just wish I'd known what she'd done while she was doing it, I would most definitely have exploded, at least then I'd feel shed got some deserves

[toomanydogs]

Thing is I only ever tried to support and forgive my ex, she still claimed I was abusing her. They are a victim whatever the action, I just wish I'd known what she'd done while she was doing it, I would most definitely have exploded, at least then I'd feel shed got some deserves

Yep. That's my soon-to-be-ex's (I hope soon-to-be) M.O., and I am still satisfied with my behavior with that man.
TMD

[truthbeknown]

I have done what my therapist and many have recommended on here and not returned her superficial contact through a messenger post she sent me in early Nov.   

She has still painted me black and even though she is seeing a new guy and may have had sex with two other guys the last few weeks when i was seeing her? I'm the one getting painted black.

Should I have verbalized what i thought of her?  I don't know except her ex husband does.  He calls her stupid/crazy etc and she told me right before the end of communication that when he is mean to her then she knows he cares.  So the fact that i haven't been mean to her makes her believe i don't care.  Since i don't care (in her mind) she can attack me more i guess?

I know she has painted me black because now her sister and a few other mutual friends are now not responding to my facebook posts when before they did.  Also one mutual friend told me that she told her i wasn't answering her texts (pleural and there was only one message that she sent me).

I have learned that disordered/bitter people can say what they want.  Rather then tell her all the angry things i wanted to say but knew would fall on deaf ears I did the empty chair exercise.  I learned this from a workshop that i went to on abuse years ago.  When one can't tell the actual person what they truly feel you get a chair out and pretend they are sitting there and unload on that chair.  I did this yesterday and i feel much better.  I could have said those things to her but i realized that i would be stuck in the Rescuer/Victim/Perpetrator dance with her.  The only way for me to get out of the dance was to NOT dance.  IF she chooses to use that to take the victim role so be it. 

My real regret is not saying something to her sister when i had the opportunity.  Someone convinced me that this wouldn't work anyway but i wonder if i had told her sister that she got off of meds and is telling everyone we are just friends when we actually slept together and were lovers and now she for no reason wants to push me away and see other guys. 

Ultimately, i think that the families are so invested in their own version of the delusion so that they don't have to admit that their loved one has REAL problems that her sister would have gone back to my ex and told her what i said to let her defend herself.  She would have minimized it and lied.  The most amazing thing is how they can get others to believe all their lies and then behind the scenes we are seeing the real truth.  This is why it feels so abusive.  So in my chair conversation that is what i said, "I don't care who you lie to in order to cover up the truth.  You and I know what really happened and if you slept with those other men the week i was in town that that is on you. It's your body and if you don't have enough respect for yourself to honor your own body, it's not MY problem.  I just don't want to share any of my love or affection for someone who just looks at sex as a way to have power over people." etc. etc.  (i went on for some time).

But saying it to the chair was like saying it to her only i said things that i would never say to her in person.  She may paint me black and use my "ghosting" as a sign that i'm a "bad" guy but all this relationship helped me see is that instead of punishing myself for taking the high road in a similar situation with my ExWifeBPD I understand why i did what i did more seeing it the second time around.  This time there is no children to protect with her.  So I don't care if those fb friends and her sister cut me out of their circle!  I know the truth.   

I'm not saying you did the wrong thing by getting revenge with her but for me I thought she would win if i became like the projections she made of me.  So i'm still struggling with NC but after reading your posts I can see how she would allude to all the ways she hurt me if I did have a conversation with her.  She would probably tell me about the new guy and the old boyfriend etc.  She is addicted to hurting those that are close to her.