Now, I can finally grieve

[Pencil sketch]

I broke no contact a few weeks ago, which at first I deeply regretted, but I now know, how damaged she is. The circular arguments, emotional on line ping pong, and the demise of our relationship laid sqarely at my door. One thing that stood out, was, every time, I became emotional, and opened up, she would accuse me of being aggressive. The upshot is, she has changed her phone number, and effectively cut me out of her life, a mixed blessing, on the one hand, I will never really know, what I did wrong, but on the other, I know she isn't coming back, so I can finally grieve.
You have kept me strong, and I am blessed to have found this haven.

[TurbanCowboy]

I feel your pain.  It's an up and down struggle.  Today was not a great day for me personally, especially since I live in an area with no friends or family, I'm very isolated and it's depressing.  She's constantly in my very vivid dreams and I'm constantly teased that we are back together or are working things out.  It was a 10 year relationship and I feel like I am back to the exact same point I was 10 years ago.  How did I get here?

I don't have the luxury of no contact, but she did give me a son so I'll take that trade.

I just keep reminding myself of all the things she did that likely would never stop.  I just keep reminding myself that I always knew deep down that while I loved so many things about her, I also knew the relationship was unsustainable and never truly believed that we would grow old and die together.  I keep reminding myself that it became more and more difficult to buy her a card that didn't involve honest language about an up and down relationship.  I just keep reminding myself that she always made things my fault, couldn't diffuse situations, it was always one extreme or another, she was insanely defensive, she wouldn't validate my feelings if something she was doing was hurting me because she couldn't accept blame, I became isolated and she has no friends so our social life became very stagnant and she allowed herself to develop feelings for another man after we moved away to another state.

Like a lot of people on here however, I keep replaying things and wish I had done things differently, but at the end of the day would doing things differently just prolonged the constant push/pull relationship?  Probably.

I'm 40, I want to be in a relationship with someone who has the emotional maturity and intelligence of someone who is 40, not 6.  I want to be in a relationship with someone I can reason with because I know I'm not an unreasonable person and am perfectly capable of admitting my failures and mistakes.  I don't think my wife would have ever changed no matter what I did and who wants to spend a lifetime treating someone like they are 6 years old just to sustain the relationship?  I keep reminding myself of that.

[hope2727]

SO sorry you are hurting. My friend threw a "funeral" for my ex. We sat in my yard around the fire and drank wine and I told stories about him and us and we burned some our pictures. It helped put in perspective how sad and profound a loss it was for me. I was truly grieving the "death" of who he pretended to be.

Once you are done grieving you can start living. And once you are living your best life you will undoubtedly meet new, wonderful people. Perhaps one of them will be someone you can build a relationship with.

I wish you all the best. 

[Pencil sketch]

Thank you for your replies, everything you say, resonates. I have been here so many times, as many of you have, but it doesn't get any easier. I still can't remember the last words she spoke, which I now know, is typical of these people, she went out on her usual blaze of glory.
On the plus side, I have no doubt now, she has BPD, and it wasn't all me, as she convinced me it was. That was the hardest part, trying to explain myself, in the vain hope, she would just open up, but I got the generic, laughing faces, as she was 'laughing her tits off
My mind, keeps remembering, the good times, which I believe is normal, so I have to keep reminding myself of the bad, and there was a lot of them.
It's so paradoxical, the whole situation, and I am replaying events, wondering if I had said this, or done that, and I keep coming back to the same answer, it was always going to end this way.
All I need now, is time.

[Pencil sketch]

Thank you for your replies, everything you say, resonates. I have been here so many times, as many of you have, but it doesn't get any easier. I still can't remember the last words she spoke, which I now know, is typical of these people, she went out on her usual blaze of glory.
On the plus side, I have no doubt now, she has BPD, and it wasn't all me, as she convinced me it was. That was the hardest part, trying to explain myself, in the vain hope, she would just open up, but I got the generic, laughing faces, as she was 'laughing her tits off
My mind, keeps remembering, the good times, which I believe is normal, so I have to keep reminding myself of the bad, and there was a lot of them.
It's so paradoxical, the whole situation, and I am replaying events, wondering if I had said this, or done that, and I keep coming back to the same answer, it was always going to end this way.
All I need now, is time.

[Lost-love-mind]

On the plus side, I have no doubt now, she has BPD, and it wasn't all me, as she convinced me it was.

My mind, keeps remembering, the good times, which I believe is normal, so I have to keep reminding myself of the bad, and there was a lot of them.
It's so paradoxical, the whole situation, and I am replaying events, wondering if I had said this, or done that, and I keep coming back to the same answer, it was always going to end this way.
All I need now, is time.

Time? Yes, no particular formula for how much e.g. total time of r/s = time of getting over it. Not with a pwBPD. The emotional attachment was like drugs. Good drugs and they can never be bought again.
Same ruminating: what was it I said? Well, yes I made a mistake. But her refusal to communicate her needs our last night didn't help.
My desire for answers and closure didn't help.
But her childish demeanor in resulting vile emails didn't help.
The pictures never end in my mind.

[TurbanCowboy]

Thank you for your replies, everything you say, resonates. I have been here so many times, as many of you have, but it doesn't get any easier. I still can't remember the last words she spoke, which I now know, is typical of these people, she went out on her usual blaze of glory.
On the plus side, I have no doubt now, she has BPD, and it wasn't all me, as she convinced me it was. That was the hardest part, trying to explain myself, in the vain hope, she would just open up, but I got the generic, laughing faces, as she was 'laughing her tits off
My mind, keeps remembering, the good times, which I believe is normal, so I have to keep reminding myself of the bad, and there was a lot of them.
It's so paradoxical, the whole situation, and I am replaying events, wondering if I had said this, or done that, and I keep coming back to the same answer, it was always going to end this way.
All I need now, is time.

I keep telling myself in my situation it wouldn't have mattered and if someone is literally capable of laughing at you or is throwing in your face their brand new life that makes them feel so alive then you know you are truly dealing with a sick individual.

Heck, I could have felt alive many times with other women while my wife was home with our son.  Go out to dinner, take a vacation, no kids, no bills, no worries, no resentment?  Wow, you mean that's fun?  You don't say. 

[Pencil sketch]

I am not sure how to paste previous comments, but I am grateful for all the replies. I have felt extreme anxiety over the weekend, and was unable to let go. This morning, the tears are flowing, and the pain is unimaginable, but I know i have to go through this.
I know we let them in, force our boundaries, treat us with utter contempt, but for me, the long and short of it is, I love her, and showed it with everything I had. She ended the relationship 3 months ago, and kept me hanging on, knowing how i felt. I behaved badly, and apologised so many times, but I am the one who looks like the crazy one, and she has changed her number.
I must see that as a plus, and realise, after countless recycles, This is it, she isn't coming back, maybe that's why it's so hard. She kept saying, you will be back to square 1, and she was right.
I want me back, to feel enthusiasm, laugh, and feel at peace, and now I can.
I am not depressed, I just feel empty, is this normal?

[Lost-love-mind]

Pencil
Yes. Unfortunately, it is normal.
While your story and attachment to the pwBPD than mine, it is an empty vassal of emotions from her that blows our mind.
How can a person just detach and abandon feelings so quickly?
The mystery of the disorder. Narcissism along with the BPD makes it unbelievable paradox.
Being a person suffering from both dual diagnosis, the switch between PD's from my exBPD and post breakup to her NC and gaslighting me as the crazy one.
We deserve better. You already admitted you made mistakes. As I did. Learn from them and become a better person for the next r/s.
I trust the advice learned from this forum.

[Pencil sketch]

I have gained so much knowledge since I have joined, and for Me, the mere fact, this forum is burgeoning with people in the same position as me, brings me comfort, I thought I was the only one going through this. I agree with you, It is the total switch of emotions, that i find the hardest to accept, and that she took grest pride, in telling me, she hates my f'xxxg guts, and cut me out of her life, why did she keep me hanging for 3 months, just to do That? I just can't get my head around it.
I often wish, I could be like her, but after reading comment on here, they are going through their own private hell, and have no chance of experiencing love in its truest form.
We will learn from this, and emerge the other end, stronger, wiser people, it's more than they will ever be.

[Lost-love-mind]

they are going through their own private hell, and have no chance of experiencing love in its truest form.

Yes, despite our mistakes in the breakup, we were loyal and much better potential mates than the alternatives they replace us with.
I was willing to learn from my mistakes and give her the true love she never had through 2 prior marriages to abusive men.

[Jenniwave]

Hi all,

I'm new to this. My husband has BPD and it is all just insane. I have been trying to get my children and I out of the relationship for awhile now but getting him out of the family home just made it all worse. He just exploded and made my life even more hellish. I agreed to allow him move back in but 6 weeks in and he is disimproving fast. Yesterday he put us in a horrendously dangerous situation while driving, twice the speed limit on a narrow country road, dangerous overtaking and roaring and gesturing at people who beeped. When I pointed out the dangerous manner in which he was driving, well we all know the rest. Roaring abuse, I'm the intimidating one, I'm a pig, I blame him for everything, this went on and on. Then the tears. I feel like something has broken once and for all. I can't cope with a 40 year old 3 year old anymore who threatens, intimidates, gaslights and projects. What have other people done to get out of this situation?

Jenniwave