Please help me understand my ex-gf with BPD who broke my heart.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Sorry for the long post but I really need some help with this:

I'm having so much trouble understanding and moving past my breakup with my ex-gf whom both her and I suspected that she had BPD. I'm a 23 M and she is a 21 F and we dated for just over a year. Through our relationship she clearly had issues with her emotions and all my friends thought that she was crazy. Honestly, most people we met together told me the thought the way she reacted was insane sometimes. But I saw so much more to he and I genuinely loved and cared for her.

She would freak out over the littlest things which I could never understand. Also, Her parents were terrible to her and yet she craved their attention and admiration. They were dismissive regarding her problems and regularly called her a ___. But, If I stepped in to point out that they were treating her wrongly, she would get angry and resentful towards me. If I made the tiniest mistake it would be like the end of the world. I constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells. But she also seemed like she was so in love with me. She always had amazing things to say about me, and all these future plans for us together. It felt like she cared about me and who I was to an extreme extent and of course that made me feel loved and happy.

We spent 4 months of the summer living together. But even then there were issues. One of the worst was when she almost called the police on me falsely accusing me of domestic violence all because I unplugged her hair dryer. That was so terrifying to me and I almost left but she broke down crying and freaking out and I stayed because I felt her hurt and pain. 

Fast forward to me leaving for Grad school; She stays at our undergrad school to finish her senior year. We were living a few hours apart and seeing each other on the weekends. I would drive up to visit her. But every time I would come visit she said it felt like she would get used to being alone during the week and that things felt off when I would come visit. But then a few hours of me being there and she was so happy and in love with me again. This cycle repeated for about 2 months. She broke up with me over text while I was back at home during one of the week's. The day she broke up with me she knew was also the day my father was getting a major surgery for a tumor. I felt broken and betrayed. But the next weekend was homecoming weekend at our undergrad and my friends forced me to go with them. She actively searched for me when she found out I was there, I had 0 intention of finding her. When she found me, she freaked out and even hit my friend in the face to get to me because he was blocking her from me. Then begged me to go back to her place and talk.

We did and we talked a ton and a lot got said. She mentioned that she met a guy at work (a job I helped her find) that she started having a crush on. She was a virgin before me and she asked me if she could sleep with him just to make sure that she knew her and I were right. This of course killed me to hear and I said no. But we kept talking and working things out and got back together and that became a "non-issue". Fast forward to the next weekend; same thing I show up to visit her and shes freaking out feeling unsure about us. We "figured" things out again that weekend and stayed together. I leave on Sunday and the next day she breaks up with me over phone.

She contacted me that night in the middle of the night while I was asleep a ton of times begging me to talk to her and figure things out but I was asleep and didn't see it. I woke up the next morning and immediately tried to contact her after everything but nothing. She blocked me on everything and refused to answer me in any way. 2 weeks later, my friend stupidly sends me a photo she posted on Instagram of herself naked holding her breasts with a new tattoo. I would never in a million years imagine her posting a photo like that, and she never had a tattoo before nor mentioned wanting one. Emotions flooded me and I freaked out because it felt like I never knew her after seeing that. So I message her again just asking to talk and she sends me such angry resentful messages about how shes moved on, and I need to get over it and I'm being pathetic and that she never wants to be my friend and doesn't love me. It was so damn hard to read and felt like it was out of nowhere, I mean the last message I got from her was ":)on't give up on me, I never gave up on you". Keep in mind she messaged me 100's of times, left voicemails, contacted my sister. So how was that not pathetic but what I did was? So now we have been broken up for almost a month and haven't spoken to her for about 15 days since those messed up messages. Can someone please help me understand all of this? Where is her head is at? What she is thinking? Why did all of this happened? How do I move on when I still love her?

[someoneplzhlp]

Sorry for the long post but I really need some help with this:

I'm having so much trouble understanding and moving past my breakup with my ex-gf whom both her and I suspected that she had BPD. I'm a 23 M and she is a 21 F and we dated for just over a year. Through our relationship she clearly had issues with her emotions and all my friends thought that she was crazy. Honestly, most people we met together told me the thought the way she reacted was insane sometimes. But I saw so much more to he and I genuinely loved and cared for her.

She would freak out over the littlest things which I could never understand. Also, Her parents were terrible to her and yet she craved their attention and admiration. They were dismissive regarding her problems and regularly called her a ___. But, If I stepped in to point out that they were treating her wrongly, she would get angry and resentful towards me. If I made the tiniest mistake it would be like the end of the world. I constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells. But she also seemed like she was so in love with me. She always had amazing things to say about me, and all these future plans for us together. It felt like she cared about me and who I was to an extreme extent and of course that made me feel loved and happy.

We spent 4 months of the summer living together. But even then there were issues. One of the worst was when she almost called the police on me falsely accusing me of domestic violence all because I unplugged her hair dryer. That was so terrifying to me and I almost left but she broke down crying and freaking out and I stayed because I felt her hurt and pain. 

Fast forward to me leaving for Grad school; She stays at our undergrad school to finish her senior year. We were living a few hours apart and seeing each other on the weekends. I would drive up to visit her. But every time I would come visit she said it felt like she would get used to being alone during the week and that things felt off when I would come visit. But then a few hours of me being there and she was so happy and in love with me again. This cycle repeated for about 2 months. She broke up with me over text while I was back at home during one of the week's. The day she broke up with me she knew was also the day my father was getting a major surgery for a tumor. I felt broken and betrayed. But the next weekend was homecoming weekend at our undergrad and my friends forced me to go with them. She actively searched for me when she found out I was there, I had 0 intention of finding her. When she found me, she freaked out and even hit my friend in the face to get to me because he was blocking her from me. Then begged me to go back to her place and talk.

We did and we talked a ton and a lot got said. She mentioned that she met a guy at work (a job I helped her find) that she started having a crush on. She was a virgin before me and she asked me if she could sleep with him just to make sure that she knew her and I were right. This of course killed me to hear and I said no. But we kept talking and working things out and got back together and that became a "non-issue". Fast forward to the next weekend; same thing I show up to visit her and shes freaking out feeling unsure about us. We "figured" things out again that weekend and stayed together. I leave on Sunday and the next day she breaks up with me over phone.

She contacted me that night in the middle of the night while I was asleep a ton of times begging me to talk to her and figure things out but I was asleep and didn't see it. I woke up the next morning and immediately tried to contact her after everything but nothing. She blocked me on everything and refused to answer me in any way. 2 weeks later, my friend stupidly sends me a photo she posted on Instagram of herself naked holding her breasts with a new tattoo. I would never in a million years imagine her posting a photo like that, and she never had a tattoo before nor mentioned wanting one. Emotions flooded me and I freaked out because it felt like I never knew her after seeing that. So I message her again just asking to talk and she sends me such angry resentful messages about how shes moved on, and I need to get over it and I'm being pathetic and that she never wants to be my friend and doesn't love me. It was so damn hard to read and felt like it was out of nowhere, I mean the last message I got from her was ":)on't give up on me, I never gave up on you". Keep in mind she messaged me 100's of times, left voicemails, contacted my sister. So how was that not pathetic but what I did was? So now we have been broken up for almost a month and haven't spoken to her for about 15 days since those messed up messages. Can someone please help me understand all of this? Where is her head is at? What she is thinking? Why did all of this happened? How do I move on when I still love her?

[Mutt]

Hi someoneplzhlp,  



I’m sorry that you’re going through this. A breakup can be hard but a break up with a pwBPD is on a completely different level with the push / pull behaviour. Things happen so quickly through your the r/s, it takes for the non to catch up while a owBPD have maladaptive coping mechanisms that protects them but at a cost - chaotic interpersonal relationships.

She contacted me that night in the middle of the night while I was asleep a ton of times begging me to talk to her and figure things out but I was asleep and didn't see it.

I posted this earlier tonight. A core criterion for BPD is fear of abandonment imagined or real. Your ex will frantically try to avoid it and this is where maladaptive mechanisms kick in, she’ll try to avoid it by abandoning you first. It doesn’t make sense because she’s doing exactly what she wants to avoid at all costs. She has twisted thinking and abandonment was running through her mind so she rejects you before you reject her. Her mind split you black that’s why you got radio silence when you tried to contact her.

2 weeks later, my friend stupidly sends me a photo she posted on Instagram of herself naked holding her breasts with a new tattoo. I would never in a million years imagine her posting a photo like that, and she never had a tattoo before nor mentioned wanting one.

I’m sorry to hear that, that must of been I credibly difficult to see that. A pwBPD will complain about not knowing who they are. Another criterion for the disorder is unstable sense of self, a pwBPD will change their looks, friends, career because they lack an identity and can be chameleon like and mirror others. She was impulsive and probably did it because that’s what the other person is into. I know that’s probably hard to hear.

I also posted this tonight. I know that all of this sounds irrational it is, but there is a fundamental reason why she acts the way that she does. Learn about it, get books on Google Play or on Amazon about BPD. Read from accredited sources and don’t read hyperbolic material about BPD.

It’s a big part of healing, it will help normalize the behaviour and it will help you wit depersonalizing it as well. She sounds impulsive, it’s not personal to you it’s something that she’s going through. Learn to become indifferent to her behaviours - you neither like it or hate it.

So I message her again just asking to talk and she sends me such angry resentful messages about how shes moved on, and I need to get over it and I'm being pathetic and that she never wants to be my friend and doesn't love me.

She’s being confronted with hard feelings it’s something that she can not handle  , she can’t face her behaviours.m because she have to self reflect. Think about it this way a pwBPD will split the people that they care about most and feelings are quicksilver to a pwBPD they often change their feelings about someone you’re a saint one minute and the devil the next.

She has black and white thinking and can’t see you or others as an integrated whole. You have good qualities and bad ones, but you’re not all good or all bad, you’re in the middle. She cant really see that grey area in you and in life.

Did not let her judgment of you derail you, her actions are driven by the disorder. Now I’m not condoning her actions she’s an adult and responsible for her lakefront, but learn about BPD the illogical behaviours are logical because there’s a pathology there it’s not just random crazy making behaviour.

[someoneplzhlp]

Thank you for the response I seriously appreciate it so much. I have had a lot of trouble understanding this and having a framework to look at it through does at least make logical sense out of illogical actions.

What I am having trouble with now is how I view our relationship. Does that mean that basically all the things that I felt and thought during the time her and I were together were not real? What things that she said/did were just part of her insecurities or inabilities to properly deal with emotions? I guess I am scared that I felt all these things and thought all these things about the time we were together but that none of it might have actually been real to her.

Are there any books you can recommend so that I can understand what it's like to have a relationship/breakup with a pwBPD?

[once removed]

hi someoneplzhlp, i want to join Mutt and say

your story touches me, and breaks my heart as well. i can feel your pain and tell that you have loved her very much.

What I am having trouble with now is how I view our relationship.

what i can tell you is that as you learn more about BPD, your view/narrative will likely change continuously. what i learned over time is that my ex and i were on very different pages, during the relationship, before the breakup, and after. in some cases it was comforting to learn, where as you say, i had answers to my very difficult questions, and the answers made sense, and some of the realities werent as painful as i was viewing them. some of it was a really hard pill to swallow, and some of it was a bit of both. a good place to start is with this article, youll see what i mean about some of this being a mixed bag: https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Are there any books you can recommend so that I can understand what it's like to have a relationship/breakup with a pwBPD?

we have a list of recommended books here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/book-reviews

and to top it off, we have the lessons directly to the right of the board, that will address many questions, and give you a good road map to healing.

again, im heartbroken for you and the circumstances that brought you here, but im glad you found us, the healing can begin, and we are here for you every step of the way. keep posting and asking questions, you dont have to go through this alone.

[Mutt]

Hi someoneplzhlp,

what i can tell you is that as you learn more about BPD, your view/narrative will likely change continuously

This is a good point. What you think and feel will change often at different stages of your healing journey as you learn more about BPD and yourself.

A pwBPD have a polarizing outlook on themselves,others and life in general. Did she mean what she said about you? You’re not at either polarized ends, what I mean is you’re not the person that she describes when she devalues or idealizes you, you’re somewhere in the middle.

Her opinion of you what are says about you doesn’t change your self worth. I think that a lot of us fell into that trap, as did I. You have to separate yourself from that.

once removed gave you good resources I’d just like to add that you could search for a member called 2010 he had a good understanding of the disorder.

[ynwa]

 Hey There, someoneplzhlp   

You asked a great question.  Was it real?   It is a common question.  Yes.  It was.  It was just through her eyes.  And believe that you would never have known. Could not have known until it ended.  Please know that we have all been through it in various forms.   I have seen the sweetest girl on earth become the worse human ever, only to have her act a though it was me.  Ive heard and seen stories that truly defy reason.

But I want to get back to your question.  What you experienced with her WAS real.  The behaviors you thought of as "crazy" earlier in the relationship, were building waves of what was to come.

I know it is not easy. It is hard.  But it does and will get better.  You are taking the right steps to learn and understand, but I would ask that you put yourself FIRST.  Take your time with yourself, surround yourself with friends and family and understanding.  Trust in yourself and them to help you.   

All the things you are learning are helpful, but what often happens is someone goes back to the BPD and tries to "fix" it, because they "know" how.   In most cases, its too soon,  and it backfires.

People here should and will not tell you to go back or not.  But we will tell you to put yourself first.  To make sure you are ok, before anything else.  While it will be impossible to forget and not dwell, as like anyone else I am sure needing to understand what the hell just happened is important.

But... .more than likely, you will never get a full understanding from THEM.  They are more than likely not even ready to tell themselves the truth, never mind you.

be easy on yourself.  YNWA

[Bo123]

Going through a break-up with a BPD leaves a trail of tears for almost everyone left behind.  It will take time for this to make sense, if it ever does.  With her family being clearly a part of the issue, sad to say, BPD is likely deeply seated in her, they resist therapy and you spending 24/7 will only cause more pain.  I have walked a mile in your shoes as have many others, we've been there.

Mutt had the best advice I've seen, not only for you but all of us.  You have to depersonalize it and neither like it or hate it.  This can drive YOU crazy.  There is a lot of experience on this board, all learned the hard way.  I say you are wise to listen to those who have gone before you.  Sorry this has happened and I wish you the very best.