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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: Part 1: I am done  (Read 1181 times)
jones54
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« on: December 20, 2017, 03:23:33 PM »

I have been posting on this site for probably 6 months now. Many of you know my situation. I am the father of a 32 year old BPD daughter. I am sorry that I am venting like this but I cannot do this any longer. My daughter is also an addict and relapsed once again this past summer. I always thought her addiction was the big issue but now realize it is her BPD. She is co-diagnosed as they say. Each problem feeds the other. I have done everything for her to help her get better. I have paid for therapy since she was 12 years old. I sent her to the first drug rehab at age 17. I have sent her to 3 other inpatient rehabs plus multiple outpatient drug treatment programs. I have supported her in financial ways (this was a mistake). She has had every opportunity to make a life for herself but has never been able to move ahead. Do not get me wrong, I am always here if she decides to change how she treats me. She has been verbally abusive to me for the past year. There have been times she was "decent" but those are too few to count. Her abuse and addiction have driven me to feel as low as I can go. The endless worrying about her dying from an overdose. The feared telephone call at night. I just cannot do this anymore. I have been putting up boundaries for years but have never totally stopped having a relationship with her. When I felt she was getting a little better I would ease back in with a relationship with her only to have her to turn on me and again say I was a terrible father and the abuse started again.  This has been going on for years. I am exhausted. There has been something that has always pushed me to keep trying in hopes we would be able to have a "normal" father/daughter relationship. I would even accept something small. I now realize this is no longer possible (unless she decides she truly wants it ... .and not for money). I have tried as we all have.  Everyone has told me to step away from her... .therapists, friends, family. I have suffered from FOG. I now know I owe her absolutely nothing. I have done more than most as my friends and therapists have said. I have given it my best. I am not perfect but I have tried to only be kicked to the curb multiple times. I am tired of being a target. I am sure she will find someone else to meet her "needs". She has not worked for years. She has moved in with a man twice her age.  He is a recovering alcoholic who has been a friend to her for years. I do not know if he knows what he is getting into with her mental illness but that is not my problem. I am not telling anyone else to give up but I just know for my own mental health I have to step back for at least 3 plus months. I have blocked her texts and will block her e-mails. I need to live my life without her or she will pull me down this black hole she is living in. I do have empathy for her illness but I can no longer make excuses for her her behavior. She is not psychotic (although sometimes she acts that way) so she is aware of what she is doing. She admits that she has "emotional problems" but for some reason she decides not to seriously do anything about it. She does what she does because she gets away with it. I have finally decided to change completely by stepping out of the picture. I have always feared doing this because of what may happen. But at this point I am not sure if I care anymore. If I do not do this I will lose my own sanity (which I have been close to doing). Many of us get consumed by our children with BPD. Someone once said we get addicted to them. I think that has been the way it has been for me for many years. Addicted in wanting things to be normal. Maybe that is co-dependence as well. I am not sure. I just know if I do not change and let go, I will be living this way the rest of my life. That is my biggest fear. Maybe she will not change at all when I step away but I have to have acceptance. She can live the rest of her life in a miserable state of mind but that does not mean I have to as well. She stopped being my child when she became an adult at 18. She has been God's child ever since. He can love her more than I ever could. He can take care of her better than I ever could. "Let go and let God". We have all heard that before. I hate to be such a downer with all of this but I guess I just needed to vent. I just need to do what I feel is best for me. Thanks.
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« Reply #1 on: December 20, 2017, 05:55:40 PM »

Jones,
Sorry to hear you've reached such a low point. Having a child with BPD is exhausting.  We understand your pain.   We understand you need to take of yourself.  You have done the best you can, and it must be incredibly frustrating to feel your daughter hasn't progressed. 

Now it is time time to take care of yourself.  What have you been putting off doing for all of these years while you've been the "caregiver"?  What is one thing you'd like to start with?  I hope you can find time over the holidays to do something good for yourself. 

Remember, you're not alone.   We're all in this boat together. 
Take care of yourself!
1hope
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« Reply #2 on: December 20, 2017, 06:42:42 PM »

Hang in there, Jones54!  No need to apologize for "venting."  That is all part and parcel of being here... .sharing the good and the bad.

I could have written your post.  I hear your frustration and I feel your anger.  Sometimes the anger is good because it spurs you on to making needed changes.  Believe it when I say that has worked for me.

I have no doubt that you love your daughter... .and I'm sure you always will.  Loving them doesn't mean you have to like them.  I don't like my uBPD daughter! (Feels good to write that!)

So... .keep posting, Jones54, keep venting as you work your way through this period of time. 

Huat



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KCat

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« Reply #3 on: December 20, 2017, 08:30:48 PM »

I so much relate to your post.  I said those same words last spring when I learned that my 39 yr old BPD  daughter, who happens to be well respected in her field, was telling hateful lies about me in widely read interviews.  She is classified as high functioning and is able to be reasonable when she is well enough to
 work.  This makes her lies believable to others.  I realized I was suffering from burnout, from years of trying desperately to be a good mom.  My own mother was aicholic,  abusive,narcissitic ending her life with an overdose of pills and alchohol .  Adding to th difficulties I faced as a mother was that her father abandoned her and she had special needs as a child. She was in a special class called gifted special ed which included a psycholigist and at times she had to be home tutored because she couldn't attend school.  With asthma, allergies and anorexia she was close to death on a number of occasions.  She still has ongoing serious medical issues.

I had no contact with her for most of the past year,  during which i have been dealing with intense grief, coming to terms with the reality and signifigance of her BPD.  I had pushed that aside because of the demands of dealing with the medical issues and the combination brought me to the end of my rope.  Un fortunately another serious medical issue has come up.  She has had 2 major kidney surgeries and just recently told me that she is facing a complex third operation on Dec 28.  This puts me in a difficult situation.  She was recenly divorced so I'm the only family she has.  I don't want to turn my back on her, yet I feel like i'd be going into a lions den.  I've been through this before.  Like anyone else she will be in pain and anxious,  but in a moment she can turn on me.  In one surgery I had traveled 2 hours to a major city hospital and she ordered me out of her room for some infraction I can't even remember.                  adding to the stress level,
she also has a rare genetic disorder which causes difficulty in healing. I'm feeling like this sounds like a soap opera and I must be exagerating .  I only wish it wasn't true. There is no way I can be a caregiver for her even if she was reasonable. Her recovery time is estimated at 2 to 3 months.  I'm 74 years old and she lives 2 hours away in the mountains where they get a lot of snow and ice.  She also is a very strict vegan so cooking is a nightmare and uses a woodstove for heat. 
Adding to my cheerful mood is that I just found out that my car is at the end of the line and I don't have the money to replace it . I also have no place to go for Christmas.  I'm feeling so depressed and utterly exausted, I haven't been able to do anything for the holidays.

I'd be glad to hear from others.

KCat
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jones54
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« Reply #4 on: December 21, 2017, 06:37:21 AM »

I appreciate everyone's response. Kcat, I am sorry about your situation. I honestly would not even know what to recommend. Last night my daughter sent multiple hate texts. At the end she stated she did even care if I was dead. She then threatened to kill me, my son and my fiancee because she has been "excluded" from the family. I felt obligated to call the police. The officer ended up calling her but had to leave a voice mail. He told her not to text or communicate with me in any way at this point and mentioned the possibility of getting a personal protection order from the court. She sent nothing further last night.  I am sure she is just venting but I have to take her threats seriously. I hope she takes the police calling seriously. She is so stressed out. I want things so different but know they will not change at least till this holiday is over so she will cool down. I am now to go meet with a detective per the police. Will this ever end.
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« Reply #5 on: December 21, 2017, 10:27:02 AM »

Hi there jones54

We are here with you jones, all the way.   I'm sorry she has upped the anti every step you take, you are doing the right thing to protect yourself from threats and abuse and in doing that her too though it may not feel like that in this moment. It must have been heart wrenching for you to call the police, can you let us know how it went, how you are.

I'm a regular Mother and you are a regular Father, we love our adult children, always will and do our best and that often means calling the line in the sand along the way to step out of the drama and FOG as you say and yes it changes the landscape we hope for better.

Is your ex-wife with you on this jones?

WDx
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« Reply #6 on: December 21, 2017, 11:15:16 AM »

Hi Wendydarling,
Yes, I am so fortunate that my ex-wife is on board. We consider each other good friends now and tell each other everything that we hear from our BPD daughter. We actually see a therapist together. This is the therapist that we actually started to see together with our BPD daughter but she refused to return after 3 visits. I am struggling with whether to have any communication with her at all. Her mother was going to call her yesterday to see if she would get together for coffee and we would give her some Christmas gifts. After she threatened to kill me, my son and my fiancee we called it off . I want so badly to e-mail her and explain why we are where we are now because of all she has done but I know she will only blame me more for her miserable life and that "I kicked her out of the family". Why is it she cannot see that I have wanted more than anything to have our family intact and it is all that SHE has done to tear us apart! We meet with the therapist tonight and I am sure she is going to say to step back and have no contact with her. I wonder if others feel that is best. I am sure it is futile to convince my daughter otherwise. I feel I am in a no win situation. I cannot have her around for Christmas because all that has happened and if I did it would be a disaster (my son and fiancee do not want her around).   I wish she would go away because I no longer see any hope. I think I just need to stick to my original plan and "take a break" from her. Maybe after the holidays she will "cool down" and become more reasonable.
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« Reply #7 on: December 21, 2017, 05:32:37 PM »

jones

Good to hear your family understand each other, you are not alone, that is difficult place for you all to arrive at, it's been more than tough and you are Done.

My understanding is abuse continues till we stand firm with the right support (no flip flopping), legal RO, DV advocate and your T with BPD qualifications - a coordinated plan of professionals who understand between them what you are dealing with and can help you stand firm, where you find yourself today. I believe it's not so much about being long term NC rather having the time to set out clearly what you want and she needs to agree with, then communicate that to her, she either chooses to move forward with you, or not. You may have been through similar process however the threat on your life yesterday and that of your family can't be dismissed.

I recognise you do not wish to desert her and you are absolutely exhausted, 3 months out and then back in, you may find yourself where you are now?

How did the meetings with the detective and T go?

WDx
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« Reply #8 on: December 22, 2017, 09:11:14 AM »

Our children can slowly kill us all.  So sorry for all that you are going thru.  To me good idea to stay away from her and keep your boundaries firm.  We dont deserve any of this and no one deserves threats on their lives from our mentally ill children.  We have done evertything for them and somehow never enough sorry if this is so blunt but this is how it is with BPD children.  Take care of yourself and family and try not to feel guilty as many of us on these boards love our children but we dont like them .     
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jones54
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« Reply #9 on: December 22, 2017, 10:56:29 AM »

The meeting with the detective went well. He actually was able to speak with her directly. I guess he left a couple of voice mails and said he was not going away so she better call him. She did. He more or less told her to have no contact with me or my fiancee or she would be arrested and put in jail for year. He said she was very surprised that I actually called the police on her. I am glad she was shocked and hope this is a wake up call that she knows I am no longer going to take this abuse. I know it is part of the BPD for her to lash out but that still is no excuse. The therapist was in total agreement as to what I did by calling the police.
I truly need now to step back from all of this. I have been so focused on my daughter for the last 3 months with all that has happened. I was looking back where I was writing in a journal when this all started and I was so focused on her possibly dying for a heroin overdose. I have changed and now seem so focused on wanting to be relieved of her abuse. I think I now have that with the police involved. I now also need to stop having expectations in want of things to be better with a relationship with her. Yes, that may be possible but that is now in her ball court. I am stepping away, I have done my part wanting to make it better but she has resisted. I honestly feel she wants things different but she cannot get out of her BPD lashing out and blaming. Maybe with some time "away" from her communications with me she will decide a different path. Maybe not. I just need to accept this. I could not go on the way it was. I am continuing to change what I am doing with her. I have never called the police on her (that is why she was shocked). My daughter does what she does because she gets away with it. I think they all do. To be abusive and manipulative is "normal" to her. She has done this for so long. I have to accept the fact that if she does not want to change then I need to focus on my life. I know I have repeated this so many time in my posts but I guess one of these days I will believe it and finally do it.  It is odd but in the past years there has been many time where I had stepped back and put up a boundary not having any contact with her, mostly because she relapsed. I did fine with that with an occasional thought of how she was doing. For some reason this time I have gotten totally consumed by the situation. I think in the beginning I was consumed with fear that she was going to die. Now that I have a better grasp on this fear (she is no longer shooting up but presumably on methadone), I became more focused on her verbal abuse. She seems to have moved in with someone so she appears not to be homeless. I guess what I am saying is I am not sure what I should be fearing any longer. I guess it is the fear that I will never have a relationship with her again. But I need to remind myself that I am just in the first day of no contact with her and this is going to take time (for her and for me). I need to take this day by day. I need to be happy that I can have some peace of mind that she will leave me alone for a while. I have peace of mind that if she wanted to make things different she still has her mother to contact who can call me. My brother said to me a bit ago "you need to let go of her for a year, come back and see how things are". Well, I will start with maybe 3 months and see how it goes. Sorry to ramble on.
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« Reply #10 on: December 22, 2017, 06:36:50 PM »

Hi jones54

My heart goes out to you and at the same time I admire you for the stance that you have taken. I think it takes great courage to do what you have done and I understand that you felt that you had no other choice.

I know that place that you wrote about, being in a situation where you are consumed by fear of the outcome. I did everything I could, I effectively sacrificed myself in the hope of retaining some sort of relationship with my uBPD son, I was so desperate. In my fear of losing him I allowed him to walk all over me. I knew in my heart that I should have walked away but I just couldn't bring myself to do it, I couldn't face the prospect of having no contact with him. In the end he was the one who walked away and so I 'sacrificed' myself for nothing. I am glad that the same will not happen to you because you have made a positive decision to put yourself first for a change. Nobody knows what the outcome will be but one thing you can rely on is the support you undoubtedly will receive on this board x
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« Reply #11 on: December 26, 2017, 03:51:33 PM »

Hi jones

I'm rising from my flu xmas bed.  

I'm glad the meeting with the detective went well for you, it makes all the difference doesn't it when people understand. They gave a firm message to your daughter to stay away. 

You talk about fear, I've been there jones, have you worked on radical acceptance to help you relieve your suffering?

WDx
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« Reply #12 on: December 27, 2017, 12:13:21 PM »

Hi Wendydarling,
Hope you are feeling better. Radical acceptance is something that I work on every day. It is something that I learned about in alanon years ago. While I accept I cannot change or control her, I still struggle with that want of something where there is a relationship (as small as it can be). I think that is my biggest struggle. I have always stepped in when thing were bad in the past (mostly with her addiction) and at this point I am bothered because I can no longer do this. The therapist has instructed both her mother and I to fully step back. It was nice to have my son and daughter in law home for Christmas. I said I was going to enjoy it with them. I did, but to be honest it was not what I wanted. She has a no contact order with me per the police and her mother decided she would not contact her as well because of the way she has acted lately. I knew I had to do this and was happy that my ex was on board about the no contact. We both are trying to change in how we react to our daughter. She texted with her mother briefly on Christmas Day in a nice way but then later complained that she felt her mother should have texted her first to wish her a Merry Christmas. Ugh, she always has to complain about something. I am glad that Christmas is over (sorry). The craziness of my daughter will now again hopefully settle down. I am still sitting back. She did text her mother today and said she missed both her mom and dad and wished things were different. She wanted to know what she can do. Yes, very happy she said this but also know she can turn on a dime and start playing the victim again with lashing out. I hope she means it. I will speak with her mother tonight and discuss how her mother should respond. Probably will ask our daughter what SHE thinks would make things better.
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« Reply #13 on: December 27, 2017, 01:43:30 PM »

Thanks jones, I'm feeling much better today, resting on the sofa.

Practicing radical acceptance everyday as you say helps as our situations change daily and you are in a huge change moment with NC/RO. I think it's an important lesson for us all here on the forum, practice daily.

The ball is in her court, though she keeps putting it back in yours and her mothers, so yes asking your daughter what SHE thinks would make things better. I might add the HOW can she make things better for her (this is not about you)? She has to problem solve this, as she's made it clear she can't work with you.

Keeping it simple and focused is working for me.
WDx
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« Reply #14 on: December 27, 2017, 03:48:05 PM »

Hi I’m new here.  I’ve just read your post and wanted to give you my support.  I’ve lived in a toxic relationship with my now ex-NPD-H.  Nothing in this world can compare to the psychological and emotional abuse that spews out from a mentally ill person regardless of whether that person is a sibling, partner or child.  It is painful beyond words and very capable of inducing a mental collapse and crisis in ourselves.  The best thing I did and needed to do was leave our marriage and enforce boundaries of either no contact or limited contact on my terms.  I also called the police and got an AVO - something he thought I was not capable of and would never do.  Its taken 3 years to get my mental health and life back on track, however, my children now both have residual MI issues themselves (the reason I joined this forum).  It takes courage to do what you’re doing, but it needed to happen in order to preserve your own well-being.  Hopefully this will give you a much needed reprieve.  All the best 
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« Reply #15 on: December 28, 2017, 10:22:26 AM »

Thanks for the input. Her mother responded and did ask what she felt could be done to make things better. She also mentioned to her why I had to call the police since she had threatened to kill all of us. My daughter wrote back and denied she said anything like this and that I was being totally unfair calling the police. I do not get it... .it is in plain english in the text. I want to have her mother send the exact text to her but I think it is futile. Her BPD just makes her deny and she again plays the victim. Not sure if it is worth trying to argue with her about this. I think it best we still focus on seeing what she feels can be done to make our relationship better. I feel I am getting tugged again. Having my feelings go toward wanting things resolved (improved) and then getting the rug pulled out from under me. I think I do best if I stay back again and not push wanting to resolve the relationship. For some reason I feel more in control of the situation and am less stressed. No reason to rush this. It really is up to her. I will keep the no contact rule from the police (even though she thinks she did nothing wrong) and just see what her next move will be. If I do not do this I think I will be pulled back into her chaos. She did state she gave one of her cats back to the humane society. It was a difficult cat and for her to do this is big step for her since she is so focused on her animals. Maybe this means she is moving forward with some change. I will sit back and wait to see.
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« Reply #16 on: December 28, 2017, 10:42:43 PM »

 Hi Jones , just a really quick thought from me . I think you MUST stick with your no contact rule for now . You need to show your DD you mean business and will not be manipulated any more . If you back down , I don’t think you’ll be able to make the progress that you are hoping for in a future relationship with your DD . I’ve learned that this is the golden rule . If you say you are going to do something as a consequence of our loved ones actions and behaviors , then you have to follow through . Even if it’s easier to give in !
You need this time for your own health too though . Time out for yourself to recharge 
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« Reply #17 on: January 02, 2018, 10:25:23 AM »

Thanks Yepanotherone. I really appreciated your saying this. It has been so hard lately that I want so bad to be in contact with her and have some communication. Not sure why this consumes me right now. I think you are right though. I could be giving up everything I gained if I break down on this one. She had been in communication with her mother (my ex) but a few days back her mother was sending a text to me about how our DD had been blasting about why I called the police in and more less stated that she would not shut up. Well, she accidentally sent the text to our DD. Not good. So at this point she is no longer  communicating with her mother because of what my ex said. We believe she has now moving in with a male friend she has known for years. Double edge sword, she is still getting enabled by him but I guess at least she is not homeless.
Very difficult for me to let go wanting so bad for this to be better. I am honestly so tired of this whole situation and how that is all I think about. I am a very impatient person and I guess it is now catching up with me. I do need radical acceptance for there is nothing that I can do at this point.
I did speak with her mother and I am sure eventually our DD will contact her again for some reason or another. If she again states she wants things better between her mother and I , I asked her mother to invite her back to family therapy. Not sure if this is the right thing to do at this point or should just stay the course and have no contact.
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« Reply #18 on: January 02, 2018, 12:19:39 PM »

Hi Jones54,

I don't usually post on this board, I'm on this site because my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) but there were a few things I saw in your post that I want to share. It helps me to understand what is going on behind the scenes so to speak so here's what I'm picking up on. I apologize if I'm repeating things you already know.

Thanks for the input. Her mother responded and did ask what she felt could be done to make things better. She also mentioned to her why I had to call the police since she had threatened to kill all of us. My daughter wrote back and denied she said anything like this and that I was being totally unfair calling the police.  I do not get it... .it is in plain english in the text.

I just want to point out the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt)here and that this also fits into Cognitive Dissonance

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
"... .cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort (psychological stress) experienced by a person who simultaneously holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values. The occurrence of cognitive dissonance is a consequence of a person performing an action that contradicts personal beliefs, ideals, and values; and also occurs when confronted with new information that contradicts said beliefs, ideals, and values."

In other words the way I see it is she made the threat, but threatening people goes against her values.  She was then confronted with the truth that she did in fact make the threat.  The internal discomfort is intolerable so she lies to reduce her own discomfort.  Remember too that feelings can equal facts.  She denies the threat, she feels that she would never threaten someone, so in her mind she did not make a threat.  Feelings = facts.

The lie is a dysfunctional coping mechanism that makes her feel better.

I want to have her mother send the exact text to her but I think it is futile. Her BPD just makes her deny and she again plays the victim. Not sure if it is worth trying to argue with her about this.

I wanted to share a tool with you... .don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) when we JADE we get led into circular arguments that go nowhere.  You know what happened but going back around about it with your daughter will do nothing but feed the drama, you want to minimize the drama.

A link to more on JADE (from the relationships boards but I thinks still applicable here)... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

For some reason I feel more in control of the situation and am less stressed. 

Distance can be really helpful, it helps the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) clear some, you are correct being out of the chaos is a good thing.

We use the airplane oxygen mask analogy often around here, but it is true.  During the oxygen talk the flight attendant tells us to put on our own oxygen mask before putting one on our children.  Why?  Because if we don't we will pass out and then we are no help to anyone.  Creating some separation from your daughter allows you to take care of you and when you take care of you, you are better able to support her.

Instead of feeling guilty, I hope you will look at this period of no contact as a time to recharge your batteries.  It is okay and is good to take care of you.   

Take Care,
Panda39
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« Reply #19 on: January 02, 2018, 02:32:45 PM »

Hi Jones54
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« Reply #20 on: January 02, 2018, 03:08:42 PM »

Hi Jones54    I have none of the experience that you and many of the people on this post have.  I just joined this forum over the weekend because I felt like I was going crazy.  I have already learned so much from everyone's willingness to share.   This includes you.  I'm a little embarrassed by how I vented in my first post.  I couldn't believe how I went on and on.  Now I feel less embarrassed because I know that this venting -  writing it down - documenting it - is part of the healing process.   I learned things by reading over my own post.  It is a good way to calm down - like writing the letter that you never send.   I'm glad that you have other supportive people in your life.  From the little that I know, I would agree with the people that say try very hard to stick to your guns or there has been nothing gained.   There has to be a point where she needs to become aware that you won't keep yourself in the same patterns forever.  If it allows you to have no contact by telling yourself it is for 3 months - do that.
It may be for a longer period of time but you can always extend the no contact of you don't see discernible progress in that time   On that note, don't hate yourself if you can't follow through this time.   We all understand the grief and conflicted feelings of detaching from an adult child.   And if you have to keep trying again and again, everyone will still be here to support you.   I think Panda39 gives very sound advice.    Try to take care of yourself as best you can.    Scout206
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« Reply #21 on: January 04, 2018, 12:49:20 PM »

Thanks for everyone's input. What you said Panda makes  sense. Her threats to harm are totally against her real feelings. I know it was just blasting and she would never do anything  (in  my opinion) so it makes sense she denies it. I did find out one small positive. I went to a meeting on addiction and her former probation officer was there. I recognized his name and spoke with him. She actually has stayed in contact with him thru e-mails. I suspected that she had signed herself up at a methadone clinic. He said this was true and she was at one of the best clinics. She has to see a therapist and do drops. This is the first time she actually decided to do something for herself about her addiction to heroin. She actually did this about 2 months ago. She did send a short text to her mother yesterday. Nothing negative. Even though I am struggling in wanting to reconnect to her ( I think it is because it has been a bit since getting negative texts from her) I have decided that the only way I should is if she was willing to sit down together with the therapist my ex and I are meeting with. We do meet with the therapist tonight and I may ask her if this is ok. I am sure she will say my daughter would need to initiate this want to meet together. My impatience is getting the better of me. I KNOW I need to slow down on this. I want to again control the situation and "fix" it. I need to keep reminding myself that she needs to make the move to make things better. I am just tired of feeling the way that I do and want things to move ahead for the better. Back to the acceptance thing. I have to accept things the way they are right now and let everything play out on it's own. She still has most all of her furniture in this rental house she probably is going to get evicted from. It appears she is now staying at a friend's
condo. She is not shooting up heroin and has a safe place to live so best to leave it be. If I get too involved she might start asking for my help and I would rather not be in a position where I have to say no. This is very difficult for me. It does help for me to write all this down. I appreciate everyone's support. It seems pretty consistent from what everyone has said that I need to keep up my boundary until SHE decides she wants to re-engage (with therapy together). They say patience is a virtue. A virtue in that I am lacking.
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« Reply #22 on: January 04, 2018, 08:21:25 PM »

Jones,
I can relate to what you are feeling!  It's so hard to sit back and wait... .it goes against my nature too!  I'm a "doer"... .if something needs to get done, I do it!  Unfortunately that makes this even harder for us... .if we step in to help, it will only make things worse in the long run! 
I think my DD18 resents this trait, but has also come to rely on it.  While she hates being "guided" into doing something, she also doesn't seem to be able to self-start. 
Right now, we know that her health card expires this month... .she simply needs to go in, get her picture taken and renew it... .no cost even!  She hasn't done it.  We offered to give her a ride to the office, as well as to the office to apply for social assistance on Tuesday.  For some reason she is dragging her feet on both.  Maybe because she knows it gets a reaction from us?  She ended up not texting us back... .and we have still not heard from her.  We tried to reach out today using SET... .no reply.  So now we wait. 

On a positive note... .I'm glad to hear that your daughter is making some positive steps!  I hope that she continues to work towards her recovery!

1hope
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« Reply #23 on: January 09, 2018, 01:02:31 PM »

Well, it is official. She is getting evicted. She actually is not even living in the rental house anymore but has been living with an older male friend. Her mother and I went by the house to retrieve a rug her mother wanted back. The house was a shambles. Clothes all over the floor. It was filthy. Her furniture was all there except that she moved out her beloved fish tank. I saw the court eviction notice. It bothers me so much that she does not care at all. She could lose all her possessions. I was feeling so much better over that past few days because for once I felt I had let go. I almost felt back to normal! Seeing that house just brought up a bunch of bad feelings. That set me back. I need to get back on track and stick to my no contact boundary. My daughter continues to complain with texts to her mother about me and how I called the police. She will not give this up. She says she is going on Facebook to tell the world how terrible she has been treated by her parents. It is endless. I told my ex that if she does not have anything positive to say I would rather she not forward the texts to me as she has been doing. I simply want her out of my head. My daughter again says that she is moving out of the State. Says she will never speak to me ever again. Well, she has said this before multiple times and I need to take everything with a grain of salt. I am not sure if she realizes how many times she repeats her self but never follows thru. I need to keep repeating to myself that I am ok with letting go COMPLETELY. I need to move on with my life and put myself first along with my relationship with my fiancee. She needs to come first. I will never drive by that rental house again. My daughter is truly toxic in my life. I hate to say that but it is true. I love her as being my daughter but I like nothing else about her at this point. That sounds terrible but she has caused me so much pain thru out my life. I am not saying it was intentional but she is a mean, selfish person. Mentally ill yes but knows right from wrong. She just does not care enough. I am leaving for a 10 days to a tropical paradise. I am going to do everything in my power to put her completely out of my head. Will not be easy but necessary. I deserve better. I deserve relief. I am grateful that she cannot contact me. I need some peace of mind. I am sorry to vent but I guess this must be my therapy. I appreciate this web site and the ability to connect with others who live a life with someone like my daughter.
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« Reply #24 on: January 09, 2018, 02:40:11 PM »

Hi jones,

I'm sorry you've had to watch your daughter go through this.  You could easily be describing my SO's uBPDxw she was evicted 3 times, her house was also filthy, she eventually moved what she wanted to storage... .then failed to pay the storage company and her belongings (and some of their daughter's belongings) were all auctioned off.

I know moving in with the older friend isn't your ideal situation but she has a place to live and isn't homeless.

Go enjoy your trip and get some R&R.

 
Panda39
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« Reply #25 on: January 09, 2018, 05:43:30 PM »

Jones,
So sorry to hear about your daughter, but so glad to hear about YOUR plans!  I hope you have a fantastic vacation, and some wonderful adventures!  Try to be "present" while you are there... .like nothing exists outside of your paradise!  Soak up some sun for the rest of us!
1hope
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« Reply #26 on: January 26, 2018, 11:30:09 AM »

Just wanted to update. The saga continues. Have now found out that the gentlemen she moved in with (who was enabling her) was just put in jail for 3 to 6 months because he was in Drug Court and failed a sobriety test. She is now all alone in his house and  it sounds like she will need to leave. She is only in contact with her mother since I still have a no contact boundary in place. We have found out that she has decided to move to Florida. This is extremely far away from where we all live. She states she found a person (a male) who is looking for a roommate. Her mother and I are greatly concerned about her making this move. She has little money, no job lined up in Florida and moving in with a male stranger. She is now at a low point in her life. We are pretty sure she is still drinking. She was in a methadone clinic and do not know how she can get to Florida without taking her daily methadone. We have told her that we feel this a bad decision but she feels she has nothing here and wants to go. I personally am concerned that I will lose all contact with her. I know others have had this happen. It pains me because I have needed to pull away because of all the chaos but now I am pained because she may do something that is so wrong by leaving. I know I cannot control what she decides to do. I just feel she is looking for something that would be better when she should get herself stable here first then make a move if she desired. Maybe she is not serious. Just the other week she made a comment about moving to Oregon. But this is the first time she has made a connection to find a place to live. I know I should just let it be and not worry since nothing has happened yet. At times I have been able to totally let go and not worry about her but for the most part it consumes me. I wish I felt totally different. I know it is up to me how I let all this effect me but I honestly, for all that has happened with my daughter for so many years makes me have such strong negative feelings about her that it is the only way at times I can feel released.
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« Reply #27 on: January 26, 2018, 08:13:32 PM »

Jones,
It's so difficult for us as parents.  We want to make everything better... .we don't want to see our children suffer.  Even though we know we can't fix this, it doesn't make us stop wishing. 
My daughter is floundering right now too.  She is off meds, no longer going to counselling, and is showing regression.  She can't even seem to perform basic tasks like renewing her Health card.  She needs to apply for social assistance because she quit her job.   We have offered our assistance, but she goes no contact when we ask... .so we wait. 
We have been going to a counsellor for ourselves.  It helps us feel more stable (momentarily at least).  It often feels like we're living in a pressure cooker, doesn't it?  Things build and build, and then they explode , or something happens to gradually release the pressure.  Except we never know which one it will be.
What are you doing to help yourself get through this right now Jones?  Remember, you are not alone. 
Take care,
1hope
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« Reply #28 on: January 28, 2018, 02:32:26 PM »

Thanks for the note. I tried to do things to ease my anxiety. I exercise. I also see a counselor with my ex-wife. I actually decided to see a psychiatrist due to all the stress this is getting me. I'm not sure this is the right answer. I do know that I need to let go. She has been homeless before but for some reason things seem different this time and it gives me gives me more anxiety. Does not seem to make any sense. Maybe I'm just becoming less tolerant of this chaos. I do appreciate knowing that I'm not alone and other people are in similar situations. Yeah I honestly wish the anxiety would just simply go away. I need to move on with my life and let her live her own life and just simply hope things make it better.
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« Reply #29 on: January 28, 2018, 04:59:24 PM »

I actually decided to see a psychiatrist due to all the stress this is getting me. I'm not sure this is the right answer. I do know that I need to let go. She has been homeless before but for some reason things seem different this time and it gives me gives me more anxiety. Does not seem to make any sense. Maybe I'm just becoming less tolerant of this chaos.

You've changed the goal posts jones, it's understandable things feel different for you and you feel more anxious, does not seem to make any sense as you say, you are moving forwards and doing your very best for your daughter like 1Hope is. Keep hold of that tight, you are doing your very best and always have.

Did you find meeting the psychiatrist helpful?

We are walking with you jones.

WDx
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« Reply #30 on: February 06, 2018, 11:26:34 AM »

It has only gotten worse. My DD had to leave the condo where her friend was at after he was sent to jail. I guess he never owned it. She packed up all her few possessions and and drove 5 hours to try to stay with her 94 year old grandmother. Stayed there one nigh and was told she had to leave. Debated driving to Florida but was too afraid. Stormed out of her grandmother's to drive back to home in the dark. Began drinking while she was driving. Had agreed to come back to a homeless shelter. Got close to home and was in an accident. Hit a semi per her. Totaled her car! Sent to ER but no serious injuries. She was drinking and they never arrested her for this! Wanted to just leave her there at the ER but they asked they we come get her. Her mother and I picked her up and dropped her at a motel for the night. We will not let her stay with us. She was left with her possessions and was to call a taxi to take her to a homeless shelter next day. She texts me saying she is so sore from the accident and feels so bad from opiate withdrawal. Drama, drama, drama. I have no clue what she is going to do but I no longer care because she does not care at all. This is probably the 5th car she has totaled. This is going to make it all the harder for her but she did this to herself. If this is not rock bottom I do not what is unless she dies. I give up. I want nothing to do with her at this point. I tried to remove myself from her but she snuck back with all her chaos. I want her to just leave me alone. Who knows what her next move (or no move will be). I do not care. I am so fed up with her. My anxiety about her has turned to anger. I just need to leave her be. It is up to her if she wants something different. I just do not know if she really cares. That is what is so sad.
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« Reply #31 on: February 06, 2018, 05:55:25 PM »

Jones,
I'm so sorry to hear that your daughter's life/choices continue to be so chaotic!  It is so hard to watch our "kids" make these choices, when it seems so obvious to us.  I'm coming to terms with the idea that MY reality is not HER reality.  Her reality is based on emotions, while mine is based on concrete things/facts.  I can't "help her" see things differently.  I can't "make her" go to therapy, take meds, think differently... .all I can do is use the skills I am learning, validate, and try to exist in my "new reality". 
Hoping for better days ahead for you.  Take care of yourself!
1hope
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« Reply #32 on: February 11, 2018, 05:51:50 AM »

Hi jones

I too am sorry it's gotten worse, she snuck back with all her chaos, what an emotional pull for you - is an understatement, I'd feel angry too, and sad. Did your daughter make it to the homeless shelter jones? Sometimes these are the places where they can get the help and support if they are willing to take it, knowing that's the only option available to them.

How are you jones?

WDx
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« Reply #33 on: February 11, 2018, 10:12:12 AM »

I’m so very sorry Jones , I’ve been there too , feeling just so sick and tired and angry at my DD ,  just wanting her to go away and for my life to be rid of her and her crap  I’d never say any of this out loud to anyone but I know I’m amongst friends here who “ get it “. Admittedly those feelings above were only short lived and temporary before i was ready to jump on the bandwagon again , but we as parents just get so worn down and emotionally beaten into a pulp . And when it’s never ending with no hope for change in sight , it’s just gut wrenching.
If my DD starts to falter again ( and I’m sure she will , she’s still young , still has a lot of growing up to do and I’ve no doubt she will struggle to cope with all that life throws ), I feel I will be better prepared to deal with it.
At the moment and for the last few months , I’m enjoying some normality without the chaos and drama ( and long may this last !) , but if my DD ‘s choices and behaviors were to deteriorate again and be relentless over an extended period of years  with no reprieve as they have been for you ,  I would be exactly where you are now , without a shadow of a doubt . I’m probably still in the baby stages still of having to contend with this BPD entering my daughter’s life uninvited !

I second WD’s question... .how are you and are you now focusing on yourself and moving forward with your own life ? You deserve it you know  
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« Reply #34 on: February 11, 2018, 03:25:54 PM »

Hello Jones54,
Please don’t apologize! As your friends and therapist have said, you have done so much for your daughter with the hope that’s she’d get better. I don’t think you are addicted- that’s what parents do, we work and give and give because we wish for the very best. It sounds like you’ve taken a great deal of emotional abuse. This is your time to heal. Our children who suffer from this affliction have a way of taking so much from us that often we feel there’s little left of us. When that happens, when we feel empty, the best thing we can do is what you are doing right now. You are stepping back and taking care of your own mental, emotional and spiritual well being. I hope your daughter finds herself in this new space and that you find respite.
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« Reply #35 on: February 20, 2018, 09:17:44 AM »

Thanks to everyone for their supportive posts. I honestly have never felt so low with this entire situation. She did go to the homeless shelter finally after spending 2 nights in a motel (drinking). I told her to take a taxi to the shelter. I said I would no longer help in any way. She kept calling and manipulating me for a ride (said she had no money... .a lie). I broke down and gave her a ride to the shelter. Wrong thing to do. My fiance/girlfriend has had it with me because she feels I will never stop stepping in to help. Well, she has been in the shelter for the last 2 weeks. Se kept texting me and I finally had to block her calls and texts. Her mother had already done it. I told her I did not want to hear from her till she got her act together.  I have friend who works at the shelter and he told me last night she check her self in to the local psychiatric hospital 2 days ago. Told them she was "suicidal". My friend said it was just an excuse to get out of the shelter but is a step forward. He feels they will push for her to go someplace for inpatient rehab. Will probably be in another part of the State since they feel it would be best she go elsewhere (not close to her heroin dealers). Reportedly another person who works at the shelter  said she stopped the heroin. I do not feel she has hit "rock bottom" but is close. I need to be glad the she took a step forward to the psych hospital. She is doing this on her own. Her mother and I have never stepped this far away having nothing to do with her. It is so difficult for me not fully knowing what is going on but I have to do this at this point. If I don't nothing will ever change. I have heard of others on this site who have not had any communication with their loved one. I am not the first. I need to be patient and let her figure her life out. She is safe in the hospital and I pray she will follow thru with what they recommend. I also pray I can keep myself together.
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« Reply #36 on: February 20, 2018, 05:08:08 PM »

Jones,
Keep coming here to vent... .we're all here for you!  You are going through your own crisis, and are doing what you know is right!  Try to remain strong... .and if you feel like you might slip, let us know and we'll help where we can.
Hoping you find some peace today,
1hope
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« Reply #37 on: February 20, 2018, 05:47:40 PM »

jones

I echo 1Hope coming here daily for support - turned my head in the right direction.

jones You are a wonderful father, never ever forget you are. You may not feel this as you despair, your journey this far with your daughter. You have your daughters mom with you is mega amazing.

I see some light from your post, a ray, do you?

Your DD is doing this on her own, your DD is reaching out for help, can you let her do that? You have friends working in the shelter feeding you information, fueling, calming your anxiety? Can you stand back, trust they are doing their job, watching over your loving DD?

I get your partner is exhausted like you. From what you share with us she is a diamond and loves you dearly. Precious. It must be very hard for her if your emotions are with you daughter?

At my lowest of times our wonderful parents here helped me stand up, gain my balance, I pass on to you, we are here holding you.

Small steps jones.
WDx
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« Reply #38 on: February 22, 2018, 12:26:36 PM »

Thanks so much Wendydarling and 1Hope. I really appreciate your support. At this point I am just sitting back and yes, I have to trust the people at the psych hospital. They are professionals and so I am sure they will know what is best for her. Since she is homeless, I do not feel they would just discharge her. I am hopeful she will go to a rehab that they recommend. She still has insurance since I have been paying the premium. My girlfriend feels I should be paying nothing for her but the homeless shelter recommended I keep her insurance in force so she has better opportunities for the rehab. Things are a bit better with my girlfriend. She actually has been a huge support.
  I feel I am stuck between a rock and a hard place on having her blocked. I would like to communicate with her but also know stepping back has made her make decisions to take care of herself. I know if she starts communicating with me it will either be harassing me are asking me to do something for her (always wishing otherwise that she would be contrite and nice).  Neither of these responses is good. I guess I just would like to know what is going on. My friend at the homeless shelter said my daughter was befriended by one of the workers there. She is a former probation officer and knows and understands my daughter. She is the one my daughter communicated with telling her she checked herself into the psych hospital. I am hopeful she will stay in communication with this person. That really is the only way I will know what is going on. Maybe I should just let go and not be concerned if I know or not. What my daughter chooses at this point will be up to her. If she make the right choices, I am hopeful she will get her feet back on the ground and some day we will reconnect. I just fear knowing my daughter she will take all this as abandonment and stay mad and not communicate with me or her mother. I guess not till she hits rock bottom and finally take responsibility for herself will there ever be the possibility she will feel different. I pray every day that she will see the light that the situation she is in is all from her doing (drugs, not working, etc.). She is so intelligent it shocks me how she can always play the victim. I am also surprised she has not tried to e-mail me of call my home to communicate. These are not blocked. I hate this BPD and what it does to the people who have it. But as my therapist has said addiction and mental illness can get better but it is up to the individual to decide to help themselves. Those who love them can not do it for them.
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« Reply #39 on: February 24, 2018, 02:22:28 PM »

Hi jones

That's heartening to hear she's befriended the former probation officer who can validate her efforts, reinforce good behaviours, I hope they stay in touch.

As you say it's hard not knowing and then again as you've said before, she snuck in with her chaos and when she does that her focus is not on her, it's directed at you. Have you thought how you'd respond if she did make contact email/home phone, are you ready to respond? As you say you are surprised she's not tried, yet. Maybe she's got the message, she has to show she is making progress before you'll engage with her? I hope so.

Perhaps by playing the victim is her way of not taking responsibility? I've no personal experience to share here with you, my DD never considered herself a victim, blamed anyone else for her BPD. Others with a deeper understanding might help out and chime in here.

My thoughts are with you jones, and I hope you are able to use some of this time for your own healing?

WDx
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« Reply #40 on: February 26, 2018, 02:41:04 AM »

Hi Jones

I hope you don’t mind me jumping on board your thread. I know it continues to be so very tough for you all. Saying the words “they have to want to change themselves” is so easy to say but oh so much harder to watch. I found the watching unbearable. Then of course even when my son was away, not being able to watch was even more unbearable. The “not knowing” can be crippling if we let it.

My son27 was/is an addict and for many years he was a victim. He saw himself as completely helpless and useless. I think this was most of the time and it was hidden under a bravado of playing a big man role to his friends. It was a cover because he didn’t want to grow up. I would always step in and I’d flip between judging and rescuing. I’d also put myself into that victim role and as Huat says I’d have my own “pitty party”.  I finally realised that something had to change and I had to break my own cycle of behaviour because I was part of the problem.

Have you heard of the Karpman triangle? This was me for 8 years! I look back now and think  “gosh, how did it take you so long to work this out?”.  Thanks to this forum, the theory helped me understand what had been happening in my family. The theory also showed me how I could change my situation.

I allowed my son to stay a victim. There I said it. I go one step further with a slight change in wording. I assisted my son to remain a victim. The more I did for him, the more he felt he couldn’t do it himself.

I stepped out of the triangle. As you have done. And boy it’s uncomfortable isn’t it? In new territory and a little confused, contradictory; my own emotions playing with my head. My innate need to know, to fix, to do things that he needed to do himself was at times so overpowering. I found a way to stay strong, inch by inch.

I found it useful to keep posting here. It helped me reinforce what I was doing and why. For me, that was really important because my mind can ALWAYS rationalise and then justify why I should help my son and I’d jump back into that triangle. It took a while, backwards and forwards I go but I got stronger and better at leaving my son to his own life.

My situation was different but no less complicated than others here. My son took a tiny step for himself because I stopped enabling him with money. I’ve seen a domino effect and he’s no longer feeling helpless, he’s in control of his life and now working. We’ve gone from a state of delicacy, of that feeling everything can fall apart to one of more stable footing. Jones, you’ve placed your first block down and now you’ve got to cement it in for yourself. Then you stand on it and get used to this new normal, get yourself prepared for the next challenge your daughter will bring you. You stand firm, overcome it and place another block on top and cement it in. You get on it, the view gets nicer as it’s only from a distance that you can see the tiny improvements being made and onwards and upwards it goes. Hopefully, your daughter will watch and learn. My experience is that my son did.

I’m amazed with my son. He wasn’t helpless. He was a lot stronger than either of us knew.

You’re a great dad. We all are doing our best. You’re so right, the hardest part is watching them fall apart. Then need to learn how to stitch themselves back together while we learn how to support them in a different way. I’m glad you’re here.

Hugs

LP
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« Reply #41 on: February 27, 2018, 11:57:41 AM »

Thanks for everyone's input. Lollypop, I feel her playing the victim is such a detriment to her recovery. It is my understanding that she continues to speak negatively about both her parents. She is still the victim. She is now back at the shelter and I think she understands she needs to go someplace for rehab but has not decided when and where to go. For once in her life she has to make this decision. Her parents have always decided in the past. I am told that having no contact with her is the right thing to do at this point and not change our position on this. She did e-mail a few days ago and asked "did you block me on your phone?". I did not respond. She sent and e-mail last night which was negative stating what a bad father I was because when I picked her up at the ER I did not seem concerned about her accident and was just mad at her. She continues to find fault in me. I am told this will never change until she gets sober and takes responsibility for herself.  Lollypop, I wonder how long and at what point did your son look at life differently? I agree that I have to stay strong and stay out of her life at this point. I was told last night by my friend at the homeless shelter that her getting "rock bottom" was getting very close. It will be when she finally runs out of all her money. I had suggested to him to offer her to go to a rehab she had lived at here in town (this was so many years back). He called and said she did not want to go back there since it "did not work for her". I guess I just need to stay out of this completely. Hardest thing for me to do, but necessary. She has stayed at the shelter and I am told she is being good. She just has so much anger towards her parents. I wish she would work the AA steps and get to the point to see that all her troubles are from her poor choices. I need to be patient. She seems to agree that she needs to go someplace for her addiction. I think she just does not want to make the jump yet to do this. I know the shelter will eventually push her to make a decision. She eventually will have to give in. I just wish it was sooner than later. I need to continue to let go and let things play out the way God has planned them. She has been in the shelter for 3 weeks now. My friend said he felt within 4 weeks something will change. They say "patience is a virtue". This is truly a virtue I am lacking in.
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« Reply #42 on: February 27, 2018, 03:22:57 PM »

Hi jones

It took my son 3.5 weeks to organise one days casual work. I’d stopped giving him money. My situation was different in that he’d returned home. His drug skunk, opiates in time of extreme stress. I offered free bed and board - cigarettes etc were all down to him to provide. It was slow progress on his part and possible through stability at home. My progress too as I practised my new skills learnt here. I stopped talking about problems and his drug use. My boundary was no drug use in the house. Now he lives independently it took him 3 months to work out his habit is unsustainable. He learns by consequences. I wait with patience accepting that he may never be drug free - he will have to find his own way to live. I’m not prepared nor can I afford to financially support an addict. I’ve faith he’ll find a way - he’s responded to the responsibility for himself (finally!).

I’m heartened to hear you’re staying strong. I’m thinking about you and hope your daughter responds positively very soon. Please let us know how you get on.

LP
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« Reply #43 on: March 06, 2018, 10:55:03 AM »

Tomorrow it will 4 weeks that my 32 dd has been at the homeless shelter. I have been told that she is close to running out of money and may soon decide she wants to do something different. It is agreed by the people at the homeless shelter she would be best sent to a 90 day rehab due to her heroin addiction. Someone from a previous rehab she had attended years ago was supposed to possibly talk to her. This location was offered to her a couple weeks ago but she declined. I am hoping and praying that she has a change of heart and gives in. In all the years past it was her parents who would come and rescue her. She was placed in multiple rehabs by us but has never asked to go herself. This is what we have been waiting for the past 6 months that she would finally hit "rock bottom" and throw the towel in. I was getting concerned that she was getting used to the homeless shelter and had no interest in changing her life. I was reassured yesterday that this was not true and she would rather not be there. She has mentioned that she simply wants to get a job but the shelter has told her she would never pass the drug test for a job. They continue to encourage her to seek rehab. She has been in so many rehabs before that I am not sure she wants to go thru it again. But she has to understand and tell herself that she will never get a restart on her life unless she gets sober first. So hard to do with addiction to heroin but many have done it if they want it bad enough. Very difficult for me and her mother because we want to communicate and talk to her but have been instructed by the therapist and the shelter to not speak with her. She needs to figure this out on her own. Very painful waiting for her to decide. Also feel she is still mad at her parents and continues to blame us for everything. I have blocked her texts but not her e-mails. She has not sent any negative e-mails which I feel is a small positive. She asked about her cat which is being cared for by her mother. Tough not to be able to respond. She then e-mailed and asked why I was not responding to this simple question. I can only go by the experts and stay away as the recommend. If she decides to go to rehab I struggle when to reconnect. I guess the rehab people would best answer that. Maybe I am getting ahead of myself. I was told within maybe 2 weeks she will probably decide to make a decision since her "circle is tightening". I hope and pray that God will give her the strength  to finally ask Him for help and go to rehab.
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« Reply #44 on: March 06, 2018, 11:34:17 AM »

You need a hug, Jones54, and here is one from me ((HUG) !

I sincerely hope you are feeling the support from this community.  Your story could be the story of any one of us... .and IS, sadly, the story for some. I am glad that you also are working with a therapist and the people at the shelter. 

From the get-go with this thread of yours, I have been impressed that you and your Ex are pulling together.  That, alone, is important for your daughter to see.

Stay confident in the knowledge that you are doing the best you can in this situation.  Whatever your daughter decides to do will be HER decision and there are consequences... .good and bad.

Hang in there, Jones54!

Huat
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« Reply #45 on: March 06, 2018, 03:42:09 PM »

Hi Jones  

4 weeks in and 2 weeks or so to go, you are nearly there jones. It's painful beyond, until I recognised it was the kindest, loving act I ever handed back to, gifted my DD, standing back to allow her to reach out for help, like you are.

You are both doing your very best, you have a great team of professionals with you. How are you managing with your daily life, work, your family, keeping it together?

As Huat says our community of parents and the bpdfamily are here walking with you, every step.

Hope and courage  

WDx

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« Reply #46 on: March 08, 2018, 01:52:00 AM »

To: I am done.
Reading your post was so familiar.
I detached several years ago from my adult daughter. So many of your feelings are mirrored with all of us members. We all feel for you - you did not make this mess - yet you keep trying to clean it up. We all do. We all want to fix what is broken. but even with the finest doctors and the best med's money can buy, and more money than you could afford, there is no fix.
No fault of your own, You have done your duty and you should be proud. Missymoo
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« Reply #47 on: March 08, 2018, 11:18:06 AM »

Thanks for everyone's posts. I do appreciate the support. Wendydarling, it has not been easy with work, family,etc. I have a hard time not thinking about it. I was getting my hopes up (bad idea) when I was told it was getting close that she would probably breakdown and go to rehab only to find out yesterday she again refused to meet with someone at the rehab facility. She simply stated she wanted to continue to "look at her options". I am not sure what that meant but probably she did not want to give up her freedom to do what she wants to do (including drugs I suspect). Sleeping on a rubber mat and eating at a soup kitchen is not something I would think would be enjoyable but at this point my DD accepts this. I do think when the money runs out it will be more difficult for her. She had maybe $400 when she went to the shelter. She reportedly has been selling items but she does not own much at this point. I found out that her older male friend who she was living with and was thrown in jail will not get out till May 17. This is good because I suspect if he was getting out soon she would wait it out in the shelter and move back with him. He is a terrible enabler.
All I can do is continue to sit back and try to let go. My sitting around wanting so badly for her to decide to go to rehab is not healthy for me. It just depresses me. I need to just let go as I had planned many months ago. Just difficult because the person I know at the homeless shelter often feels she is "getting close" to asking for help only to have her say no when they approach her. Maybe not know anything till something positive happens.  Hard to believe she would stay in this situation for more than 2 months but who knows. She leads a life so different than me. She always has. I honestly do not like who she is despite the fact that I love her as my daughter. I need to again focus on the fact that this is her life to have not the one I wanted for her. These are her choices. I have to let go of expectations and trying to play out in my head what will happen and just accept what happens, good or bad. May daughter a few years back wrote down her life story hoping to get it published. She is a prolific writer. A publisher actually thought it was excellent but since it did not have a positive ending and no redeeming value it was not ready. She is very proud of what she wrote. I only wish she could get her act together and write that last chapter in her book.
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« Reply #48 on: March 10, 2018, 05:08:26 AM »

Hi jones

You're right being told by others she's close, raising your hope, when she's not close enough to make her choice, yet, she’s considering her options.  We all hope she’s strength to help herself, she has people who care and are listening. 

It’s hard not thinking about it and when you do you get depressed, I also see you working hard at acceptance as you share your thoughts and feelings here with us, continue to sit back and let go, it's a process.

How do you spend your time with the family?

It’s great to hear your daughter has her writing talent and she’s proud of her accomplishment, I hope she completes her book, to know it’s waiting for her.

WDx
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« Reply #49 on: March 11, 2018, 04:47:08 PM »

Thank you for your support.
I appreciate it.
Missymoo xoxo
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« Reply #50 on: March 12, 2018, 01:52:36 AM »

Thank you for sharing your story. I am headed down the same path of sorts, getting ready to accept that we are going to have to go no contact, as it just seems to make things worse for now. I just don't know how I am going to do it with three small grandkids involved. That's the kicker. I guess if she ends up in a really bad social situation, I will just have to believe that social services will be able to contact us to care for the kids. How is their life going to turn out? Is it a never ending circle?
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« Reply #51 on: March 13, 2018, 01:11:17 PM »

Yat4,
Sorry to hear about your situation. Having no contact on my part has been the most difficult thing for me. I am fortunate that their are no Grandchildren involved. That, I am sure, only complicates things. The no contact has been repeatedly reinforced by the therapist as well as the homeless shelter who want her to go to rehab as well. I am even fearful to contact her in that all the negative texts will start up again. I just feel she is dragging this out as long as she can because she does not want to give up her drugs unless she absolutely has to.
Wendydarling,
I really do not have much family to spend time with. I only have another son who lives 3 hours away. He is happily married and they are expecting their first grandchild. I will be a first time grandfather soon but honestly I should be more excited. All that is going on with my daughter has been a real drag on me for soo long. I also live alone. I have been engaged to the same women for 10 plus years. She has never been married but also due to all the chaos with my daughter she is afraid. Not sure why she did not step away years ago. She has been very supportive but at this time is fed up with my daughter and how I have reacted to the whole situation. I am probably not much fun to be around lately. I am honestly tired of everything and how it has affect my life in every way. Everyone has told me to focus on me and I have been trying to do this. I have tried working on radical acceptance. I just simply want something positive to happen since for the last 6 months it all seems to be negative in the way this is all playing out. I do appreciate being able to vent here because honestly other people do not understand the way others here do.
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« Reply #52 on: March 13, 2018, 03:04:26 PM »

Hey jones

You are getting there - do you see that? Your T and the shelter are helping you not fall in the pit, mud? It's painful pushing through I get that, been there. I have one child, many parents here are in your situation BPD child taking over their relationship with their non BPD children and their partner, H, W, their life. Lollypop for one, join her on the Happy Mothers Day thread, time to shift the focus to her younger son who is missing her?

I ask you 2 Q's here, taking your BPD DD out of the picture

1) what do you want, need from your 10 yr partner relationship? You live alone? What does a healthy relationship look like to you?
2) Ditto above for your son.

They are looking to you to get out of your pit to be with them?

WDx



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« Reply #53 on: March 13, 2018, 09:39:41 PM »

Sorry to hear of your struggles with your daughter.  It's quite eye opening to read that you are struggling with your daughter and she is now 30.  You are right, we get addicted to them.  We hope and wish that they will someday change and be normal, but without intense therapy that day will never come with this disorder.  For me my hope was my daughter would grow out of it but she didn't, she is 19 and has the emotional maturity of a 12 year old.  Everyone would tell me "oh it's just teenage girls" but I knew it was different. 

You have to take care of yourself, if your daughter doesn't want to help herself with therapy then you have to draw your boundaries. 
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« Reply #54 on: March 14, 2018, 03:27:54 AM »

Hi

I thought I’d throw in my voice.

My own experience is that drug use really complicates the situation. Drugs hinder emotional development. That said, I believe, with a better core relationship (no judgments), mutual respect, emotional support and boundaries it is possible for them to find their own way to live. I go one step further - I know it.

My son27 is now living his own life but he stays close to us (literally living in the same lane). It’s working out for now. He still smokes skunk, he does not seek therapy. However, he’s growing by having responsibility for himself, learning by consequence. He was a slow learner because of the interference of his heightened emotions/thoughts AND me hindering his development by me doing things for him he should have been doing himself. He’s coping and more resilient.

To get to this point took a lot of little tiny steps, consistent and persistent over a few years. It took me to change myself and how I reacted.

There’s a proven way here. There’s no guarantees. I took a leap of faith and committed myself to change myself. I’m a better person for it, I’m happier too.

There’s hope. I encourage you to get yourself a simple plan - it helped me not sweat the small stuff.

Jones: I hope soon that she feels she can make better choices. If and when she does, she’s going to need you to be a different parent. This is a good time to do your homework, build a better life for yourself so your family can benefit if they desire it.

There are no quick fixes. I’m a happier person, my son27 is happier - despite the problems.

Hugs

LP





 
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« Reply #55 on: March 15, 2018, 05:39:58 AM »

 Staff only


Bullet: important point (click to insert in post)"This thread has reached its posting limit. Feel free to continue the conversation by posting a New Topic. Have a great day."
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