It's been awhile since I posted here - life for me has really improved over the past 18 months. I managed to get myself together, get moving with my business and rebuild it, and now am even in an amazing relationship!
I was quite fearful after my experiences with my ex-BPD about getting into a relationship and that combined with just being very busy with the business, I didn't really pursue anything. However, I kept in touch with a long distance friend (unfortunately, very long distance) who inspired me, encouraged me and was truly a blessing to me. She motivated me, kept in touch daily, and at first, I was very very cautious - I did not want either of us to get hurt but could see the emotional attachment growing - but that long distance was a major problem (across the Atlantic ocean) and - she is also 14 years younger than me.
But I also found her to be very wise and my respect for her opinion and point of view on many things grew and grew. We kept in touch constantly by both chat and telephone (daily phone calls), shared our day to day lives with photos, and that regular contact. No idea what a beautiful woman 14 years younger than me sees in me... but... .an opportunity came up to visit her country in September 2017. The visit was arranged in June. It was my first holiday in probably 7 years.
I was quite nervous when I landed in Greece, really not knowing what to expect and knowing full well that "face to face" live is not the same as talking from a distance. But, we hit it off - both of us - immediately. Her sense of humour is just like mine, we enjoy so many similar things, we thoroughly enjoy each others' company and - yes there have been the odd time when we've had disagreements, but we both seem to "mesh" in ways of resolving conflict, when it comes up. Being Irish, and her Mediterranean, it seldom happens, but when it does... .the conflict can be strong. But... .we both cool down and end up talking through it together, and what I really love about her is that she has a way to make me see where I can improve while also admitting to areas she can improve in... .and that is a pretty awesome thing.
I mention the conflict because, although it seldom happens, it really is the first relationship I've been in where there seems to be a strong desire on both to resolve conflict and not just hope it will go away. The refreshing for me is that we BOTH can take responsibility for our individual parts in conflict when it occurs. In my major past 2 relationships, I generally found myself apologizing all the time, just to end conflict - to the point where I got tired of doing that ended up taking a totally opposite approach.
So, 99% of the time, things are great. We communicate very well. As mentioned, our first face to face visit was in September, when I flew there and I stayed two weeks.
That visit, we spent together 24/7. Face to face, the communication was great - we both have our "quiet moments" and so even in those quiet moments, just sitting and playing cards together, or whatever - was so very comfortable. And when we talked, we talked and talked and talked and laughed, and we can talk about almost everything and anything.
The deep emotional attraction really was confirmed in that first face to face time together, so much so I found a way to afford a second trip back to Greece, about six weeks after I returned from the first one.
That second face to face time together was even better than the first one. Is it a "perfect" relationship? Well... it's about as perfect as I could ever have imagined - we do have our grumpy moments, but that's the awesome thing: we work through it.
I'm actually head back there AGAIN tomorrow
For two weeks, and this time, I'm bringing her back to Canada with me for three weeks. I've met her family (language was not easy - I don't know Greek, they don't know English except for this lady, and also another member of the family; they both translated for us when needed. When she comes back with me, she'll be meeting most of my family and many of my friends. We have discussed the future possibilities; it could be possible for me to move there - it's also possible she could move here - and the business I am in, it really does not matter where I am located. I do have a limiting factor at the moment in that I have 50% custody of a 15 year old son, and there's no way I've leaving him right now. But I've received advice from other friends who have grown up children - "Make sure you plan to do what you want in the end." One friend in particular pointed out that he and his wife had a dream of moving to the east coast but did not, for the sake of their children - but in the end, all three children, once adults, moved away in opposite directions, and in distances that include hours and hours of plane travel.
So that's some background... .but here's what goes on in my head: As mentioned, for a LONG time, I feared getting into any kind of relationship, after what I went through. And I certainly was not looking for this one, when it began to deepen. It just happened. I do feel so lucky to have this lady in my life and will do almost anything to try to ensure that we are able to actually spend the majority of our time, together.
In my last relationship with the BPD that ended some years ago, one of the things that I began to constantly experience and then learned to fear was... .silence from her for a period of time... .and then "A Bomb Dropping" out of the blue. Periods of silence from her would often follow up with a phone call, or an email, or a text with her craziness and suddenly some crazy accusation or "ending" the relationship. It happened so often, that I would feel nervous with expectation when the phone would ring, or see an email from her, or my phone would beep with a text message. I would be filled with fear "I wonder what this will say... ."
This also occurred to some degree in my marriage of ten years that ended in 1997. No emails or texts back then, but similar patterns of silence (for whatever reasons), and then suddenly a big bomb dropping out of the blue that I would have to deal with.
I have realized that some of the conflict when we have had it, is because this STILL goes on in my head. This lady that is in my life now has NEVER given me any reason to have those same kinds of fears, EVER - yet, if for some reason we've not had some communication for some time... .I hear that Viber phone or the Viber "ding ding" message notification and I sense immediately that fear that I had before... .it's like, "Oh oh... .what am I going to read? What has maybe happened that has been misinterpreted and I'm about to read something devastating or hurtful?"
So sometimes, even little things, that due to perhaps a language issue (she is very fluent in English, but there are some miscommunications rare times), or something that is just bugging me, flares up in my head, almost as a defence mechanism due to this sub-conscious fear that still exists due to the past.
I do not know how to get rid of that. I haven't really researched it - because I'm just sort of now, realizing it and being fully conscious of what happens in my mind.
This pattern in my mind is pretty deep; it's from two major relationships and also as a child... .my brother and I have been talking and we both realize our mother was most like a narcissist BPD - how our father put up with it is beyond us really.
So I NEED to work on myself with this pattern of thinking of that I'm about to read or hear some crazy bad thing which is going to destroy my world again. My new lady is not perfect, but in so many ways, she is perfect for me - there is so much good and positive reinforcements, so much mutual respect, so many mutual values and qualities, what we laugh at together, what "awes" us both - in no way am I saying that it's like a fairy tale - but it's pretty close so far
I am a realist - the distance is not easy, but it is not insurmountable either, neither of us is perfect, but we are pretty good at resolving things when there are issues, but yes, there is definitely love - that is not simply romantic, although we also both have a romantic side.
I am sure there must be others who have similar issues with that pattern of thought, at least in some way - of that fear that just ... manifests - because it's happened for so many years. It's a habit of the brain but I want to find a way to make that stop.
Anyone recognize this and have some suggestions on how to think or retrain this part of the mind?
