Something's Wrong - I think my eldest daughter has BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi Merlot

I'm sorry you did not get the outcome you hoped for and you are desperately missing your GD1, is hard.   I hope you continue to find some comfort in the skills you are learning and knowledge for the future. You did great in a very difficult situation. It's wonderful to hear you are proud of your efforts loving her while sticking to your boundaries, I'm proud of you  , it's a great feeling isn't it when we can see we are personally making progress, changes, small steps. You've shown her you care, you did your best.

I can understand she's confusing you, saying 'you don't understand what she's been through' followed by 'you do understand', by way of closing down your offer to listen and connect with her. Stepping out of the drama we can see more clearly patterns of behaviour.

The positive is she engaged with you and letting her know when you are visiting family provides her future opportunity to engage. How often do you visit, do you have any trips planned?

It's great your youngest is open to understanding BPD will help her in the future and give you piece of mind.

There have been many conversations recently about values, boundaries. I've not read this though Wentworth recommended in another thread "Boundaries," by Cloud and Townsend (he says the book is heavy on Bible references, but you can mentally filter them out if that suits you). 

WDx

[wendydarling]

Hi Merlot

I'm sorry you did not get the outcome you hoped for and you are desperately missing your GD1, is hard.   I hope you continue to find some comfort in the skills you are learning and knowledge for the future. You did great in a very difficult situation. It's wonderful to hear you are proud of your efforts loving her while sticking to your boundaries, I'm proud of you  , it's a great feeling isn't it when we can see we are personally making progress, changes, small steps. You've shown her you care, you did your best.

I can understand she's confusing you, saying 'you don't understand what she's been through' followed by 'you do understand', by way of closing down your offer to listen and connect with her. Stepping out of the drama we can see more clearly patterns of behaviour.

The positive is she engaged with you and letting her know when you are visiting family provides her future opportunity to engage. How often do you visit, do you have any trips planned?

It's great your youngest is open to understanding BPD will help her in the future and give you piece of mind.

There have been many conversations recently about values, boundaries. I've not read this though Wentworth recommended in another thread "Boundaries," by Cloud and Townsend (he says the book is heavy on Bible references, but you can mentally filter them out if that suits you). 

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Thanks wendydarling

Unfortunately, nothing changed between visiting my home state and my return.  It was difficult to be there and not see them.  She has asked my youngest daughter not to send photos of my GD1 to me either... .very distressing.

While I am learning so much from being engaged with the forum and other reading (it helps so much) sometimes I am struggling to come to terms with the reality.  It really all feels so pointless.

It's like I'm in denial; as though I can just pick up the phone and talk to her and then I remember I am blocked.  Acceptance is so difficult and then I worry about re-connecting only to think I could be cut off again.  It's an emotional mind field.  I think a tug of war of the emotions has been aptly described elsewhere on the board.

Thank you for all being there.

Merlot

Easter is coming up and I have left a gift for them both in my home state.  I will be visiting there next month... .despite my mixed emotions, I think I will try to connect again.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Merlot,

 I admire the efforts you are making to connect with your daughter. What a difficult situation; in your shoes, I’m sure I’d be struggling between feelings of despair and hope. 

I do understand that changing patterns in order to not re-inforce bad behaviour is likely to escalate her emotions and I'm hoping for a breakthrough somewhere. 

This was my thinking, too, when I read your latest account of contacting your daughter while in your home state. I think the change in your approach and behavior, even when supportive, could be throwing her off balance, as she’s used to a certain pattern of interacting with you. Do you think that could be a factor?

I didn't get the outcome I hoped for but I will say that I am proud of loving her while sticking to my boundaries.

I think you have every reason to feel proud, Merlot. This kind of change can be incredibly challenging, with forward movement, backslides, side roads, and unexpected reactions. The work you are doing is very worth the effort, in my view. In addition, so many people benefit from your triumphs and learning.

Stay the course. We are with you. 

heartandwhole

[Merlot]

This was my thinking, too, when I read your latest account of contacting your daughter while in your home state. I think the change in your approach and behavior, even when supportive, could be throwing her off balance, as she’s used to a certain pattern of interacting with you. Do you think that could be a factor?

Hi heartandwhole

Thank you for your support.  I do agree, this is unchartered territory for her as cutting people off has always ellicted a response of people begging her forgiveness.
I am hearing from others on the board that this is a similiar story.

I am determined to be patient for a while to allow her to consider this change.  At the moment it just seems to justify her position - the dance of anger.  However I must say this, like Lollypop, everything I did in the past never changed the patterns so I have to try something different.  All I can do is review as I go along.

It is such a difficult journey but I'm trying.

Merlot

[incadove]

Hi Merlot

Thank you for your support.  I do agree, this is unchartered territory for her as cutting people off has always ellicted a response of people begging her forgiveness.

Yes - I think you've hit the nail on the head.  Once she figures out that she cannot manipulate you either into begging for forgiveness or into anger, I hope that her manipulations will decrease.

The power to be loving and caring because _you_ want to, on your terms, and not because she is guilting you into it, is a strong force for good.  I hope that after she deals with the rest of the world for a while and realizes that you are really among the most constant pillars in her life, that she may come back to you on different terms.

Stay strong!

 

[Merlot]

Thankyou Incadove

You dont know how much I needed to hear that.

I hope you have a wonderful Easter 

Merlot

[wendydarling]

Yes - I think you've hit the nail on the head.  Once she figures out that she cannot manipulate you either into begging for forgiveness or into anger, I hope that her manipulations will decrease.

The power to be loving and caring because _you_ want to, on your terms, and not because she is guilting you into it, is a strong force for good.  I hope that after she deals with the rest of the world for a while and realizes that you are really among the most constant pillars in her life, that she may come back to you on different terms.

Stay strong!  

incadove, thank you, you are so wise and caring, it is a strong force for good and a loving way Merlot WDx

[Merlot]

Thanks all

It's been a while since I have updated, like others here I'm still sorting through the range of emotions that come with dealing with a BPD child and dealing with one's own journey of grief.   They seem so disconnected to me.  As an example, trying to validate her while I'm still so angry with what she has done, even when I can rationalise that this is an illness.

I was sent back to my home state again in early April and tried to reach out again with no success.  It's been three months of no contact (only a few disrespectful emails). I'm trying to work out what I'm hoping to achieve through reconciliation.

As honest as I can be (during this phase of my grief) is that I want reconciliation for all the wrong reasons:

to put and end to my pain
to put and end to the public humiliation, exposure and embarrasment
to end the exhaustion and questioning of why
to put a bandaid on the wound for my youngest daughter's wedding
to check out of BPD for a while

The right reasons would be because I love her and my granddaughter, and I miss her. End of story.  Unfortunately, the truth is that she has always come with so much drama and destruction and I don't know if I'm ready to deal with it again.  I miss my granddaughter but I honestly don't know if I miss my daughter.  I don't trust her and I'm also so scared that I haven't mastered the skills that I need to mitigate being cut off and I don't know if I can go through it again.  My grief is keeping me more focussed on me. I feel ashamed to say this but it is the the truth and I hope I can get to a better place. 

After more reading, I realise that I have been caught up in the drama triangle for too long, moving between rescuer (when she was the victim) and being the victim (since she has become the perpetrator).  Now that she has moved back to our hometown, my mother and youngest have become the rescuers, while I have remained the victim. 

It's time for me to REALLY step out of the drama and focus on moving through my grief so that I can stop being the victim and get to a more peaceful place for if and when my daughter re-engages. 

My next post will be about my youngest daughter's wedding in about 4 months.  It's hanging over my head like a dark cloud.

It's hard not to sound so confused and conflicted.  Thank you for listening

Merlot   

[Feeling Better]

Hi Merlot,

I am with you on this, I am on a similar journey, probably a few steps ahead of you in my healing process and working towards a better and happier life for me. A life that I deserve and you deserve it too.

I worked out that I was probably seeking reconciliation with my uBPD son for all the wrong reasons too. I wanted back what was my idea of happy families. For me, not thinking about what he might want. I too have been working on myself, reading posts and learning as much I could in the hope of one day when I feel that the time is right I could reach out to my son, let him know how I’ve changed and what a much better person I have become. I never considered the fact that although I might feel ready to try and re-engage, he might not be ready. That was pointed out to me by my counsellor, it’s another reality check.

I too love and miss my son and I miss the close relationship that we once shared, however despite my early desperation to reconnect with him, I have come to realise that a reconnection will also be dependent on my terms. I don’t want to have to go through the same ordeal that I am still trying to recover from again.

I don’t know if you do this, I sometimes play out scenarios in my head. One is that I contact my son, let him know and see how I’ve changed. That I realise how I invalidated his feelings in the past and everything will be different now. He accepts this and we finally reconcile and work together on building a new and healthier relationship.

My other scenario is somewhat darker, this one involves him coming to me in the event that I fall seriously ill or something similar and I tell him that I want nothing to do with him, that it’s too late, he should have come to me before I fell ill and not because he has any feelings of guilt or out of duty.
That one scares me a little bit as I would like to think that I would be forgiving and be able to accept him back in my life.

I think that on the whole these two scenarios probably show that I might still have some conflicting thoughts that I have yet to deal with.

I wish you well Merlot x 

[Merlot]

I too love and miss my son and I miss the close relationship that we once shared, however despite my early desperation to reconnect with him, I have come to realise that a reconnection will also be dependent on my terms. I don’t want to have to go through the same ordeal that I am still trying to recover from again.

Hi Feeling Better

Thank you for listening and caring.

I can't say that my eldest and I have had a close relationship but there have definitely been moments and she does have her positives, maybe my early views of her being difficult and challenging (like her father) have shaped my own perception and behaviours towards her, and possibly compromised that closeness. 

Through my actions, maybe she felt she wasn't good enough... .I don't know. All I know is that I thought I was a good mother and being cut off really makes you question where you went wrong, the crazy thing is that her feeling of rejection/abandonment has led to her rejection of me.  I may never get the answers. Does any of this make sense?

I did put some thought into how I would respond if we re-engaged and I sent a few validating emails to which I received disrespectful replies and that she wants no further contact.  So I have stopped thinking about that and am trying to work through the fog of grief, which at the moment is full of anger.  I seem to lick at the heels of acceptance only to be dragged back to a dark place, and I'm definitely having some related dreams, always involving my granddaughter.  I'm also working on reconnecting on my terms.

I guess the one positive is that I do engage in things to keep me moving forward.  Coming here has been pivotal, but I also keep the routine and take time to exercise and stay connected with friends and family.

I hope you are travelling well 

Merlot

[Feeling Better]

Through my actions, maybe she felt she wasn't good enough... .I don't know. All I know is that I thought I was a good mother and being cut off really makes you question where you went wrong, the crazy thing is that her feeling of rejection/abandonment has led to her rejection of me.  I may never get the answers. Does any of this make sense?

Merlot, I’m sure you were/are a good mother, don’t doubt it for one second. You are so right though, being cut off does fill you with self doubt, I remember well, feeling such a failure as a mother, the truth is though, if we don’t know any better we can’t do any better. We weren’t to know what the future had in store for us when we were doing the very best that we could to raise happy healthy children. All we can do is learn, learn, learn, and that is precisely what we are doing.

I think, like you, that it is a grief process that we are going through. I have days when I feel that I am doing alright and then something may happen (or not) and I am thrown back into that deep dark pit again. Overall though I know that I am making steady progress, my life will never be the same again but I am learning to deal with it and accept it. You will too. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Thanks for your support FeelingBetter

I can really relate to what you are saying, and it all makes sense   I think I am making steady progress but some days are definitely better than others.  Today has been a good day, my youngest sent through pictures/video of my granddaughter and I'm very thankful for that.

Hope you had a good day too 

Merlot

[Merlot]

While my journey of recovery has been progressing, I still remain NC with my BPD daughter.  A few weeks ago, I went back to my home state for work.  I had planned not to reach out to my daughter as I knew she needed space and like Feeling Better, not wanting to go through another ordeal that I'm also still recovering from.

There has been one complicating factor; my youngest daughter is getting married in the next few months.  My BPD daughter is the maid of honour.  It would be fair to say that I have wanted to attempt reconciliation for the both of us, but very importantly to mitigate any angst/issues for my younger daughter on her wedding day as she deserves so much.  My mother and youngest daughter have also being trying to "fix" things in there own way, and in some ways have thought that reconciliation would only be possible if I were to "fix" it.

While in my home state; my BPD daughter told my youngest "I can't believe Mum hasn't contacted me".  That, and the wedding, I did decide to reach out again with more validation than before.  She didn't knee jerk react with a response this time.  She left it a few days, obviously thought about it and came back with a horribly malicious email which contained threats, projecting, lying, shaming, blaming, emotional blackmail and abuse, false accusations, baiting, the list goes on... .

I have come a long way in being able to see it for what it is and while it still stung, I found myself feeling more sad and distressed for her.

I guess a positive that came from this, was that my mother and daughter now realise that I can't "fix"this and that I cannot continue to expose myself to such abusive behaviour. 

I have pulled right away, if I don't play the victim then her tirades have no power.  Although my youngest is very sad, I will take a step back in helping her to get ready on her wedding day and we'll reserve some special time together.

I am on the road to recovery, I have met wonderful people here, have taken the time to learn (and I'm still learning). 

I still remain hopeful that one day we may reconnect and I hope that I have helped others here too in sharing my journey form initial shock to ongoing healing and recovery.

Merlot

[Feeling Better]

Hi Merlot,

I can’t tell you how sorry I am to read your latest update, it must have been awful to receive such a vitriolic email from your daughter. It sent shockwaves through me as I read it as it reminded me of a time a few years ago when my son and I were exchanging emails and the emails that he sent me were full of hate and blame and at that time I had no idea why he was writing such awful things.

 

I have come a long way in being able to see it for what it is and while it still stung, I found myself feeling more sad and distressed for her.

I can relate to this so much, yes, we know not to take things personally but no way does knowing it stop it from hurting, and the worst part, for me too is feeling the overwhelming sadness for them that they can’t handle the fact that we love and care about them and they just end up pushing us further away.

Merlot, I am so sorry to hear about the situation with your youngest daughters upcoming wedding, you must be filled with all sorts of mixed emotions, I know that I would be. I hope that you are able to find the inner strength that you will need to get you through it.

I am glad that you have managed to get your mother and daughter ‘on board’ regarding their desire for you to fix everything, that is massive, as the last thing you need right now is to be caught in a drama triangle, I have had enough experience with that myself with my mother ‘rescuing’ my son and her trying very ineptly to ‘fix’ things. My heart first sank when I read in your post that they had been trying to ‘fix’ it in their own way, but thankfully you managed to get a positive outcome there.

Also, I want to thank you for giving such a strong and powerful statement:
 “If I don’t play the victim then her tirades have no power”

Amazing 

[Merlot]

Thanks Feeling Better

It makes it so much easier knowing Im sharing with those who understand. 

[wendydarling]

Hi Merlot

I'm am so sad to hear you reaching out received such a tirade of abuse, it must be awful and as you say distressing and sad for you that your daughter is in so much pain, really struggling. She said on both occasions she can't believe you've not contacted her and when you do she dysregulates.
“If I don’t play the victim then her tirades have no power” ~ exactly, and as we learn here JADE does not work.

Like Feeling Better I too am relieved to hear your Mother and youngest understand you can not 'fix it', you've done brilliantly sharing your learning as we all know how hard to explain to others and grasp the complexity of BPD, and that we can't mend them.

Oh Merlot my heart goes out to you and your youngest   to be apart on her wedding morning is sad, I'm actually welling up as I type this. You give your youngest the greatest gift, your love   and care to set aside some reserved time for you and her to share the happiness you both deserve. I'm sure that memory of her time with you at this special time with be with her forever.

Merlot, thank you for sharing your journey with us and you too Feeling Better  ~ I personally am learning so much from you and your situations how you  cope and manage your way through with NC and how you help your families is truly inspiring.

Merlot you shall be in our thoughts on the wedding day, we'll be right there with you  

I've been wondering how your BPDdaughter is coping day to day as you've shared you and your H provided a lot of support to help her get back on her feet.

WDx

[Merlot]

Thank you for such lovely thoughts Wendydarling

For the moment, I'm all focused on a beautiful day for my youngest and I know it will be exactly that.

Yes, my husband and I gave (rescured) my BPD daughter so much.  When she went back to our home state, she moved in with her father (whom I've long suspected also suffers from some un-diagnosed form of mental illness). Living through this period of time with my BPD daughter, and in watching her grow up, it's strange how much alike they both are. 

So yes, she is doing fine at the moment, and I'm very grateful for the loving people she has around her and my granddaughter, they only want the best for her and she will need them.  I'm also very glad that my youngest now has the benefit of understanding about BPD as it will help her in her interactions with her sister.  I have encouraged her to come here and visit the sibling board.

Merlot

[Daisy123]

Hi Merlot,
I’ve read your feed - what an incredible journey you’ve been on! The depth of your understanding, your insights and setting limits is all
Inspiring. Thank you for sharing your story. There’s so much many of us can relate to.

As for your daughter’s wedding, my heart breaks for you. It’s not the kind of situation we, Mother’s dream of having on our daughter’s Wedding days. I’m sorry you have such a complicated work around for your daughter’s special day.

As for your DD, it makes complete sense for her horrid response.
It’s her sister’s wedding and she may feel she needs to make some of that special day all about her.

The kicker is, DD no longer has Grandma nor sister holding you accountable because they’ve now come to realize this problem is just too big for you to fix. I wonder how much of a wrench that’ll throw in for DD.

What I most appreciate anda in awe of is the balance you are creating!
You continue to set limits with DD and yet understand that you can still
Have some special time on the side with your daughter on her wedding day.
You are a loving mother who takes care of your daughters’ needs as well as your own. Amazing, beautiful and I am
So glad you have shared your journey with us.

[Scout206]

Hi Merlot
Following your journey makes me feel so many emotions... .sad, angry, hopeless, hopeful... .how we survive - I don't know.  My 30 year old daughter has chosen to NC me and her brother and has been missing from our lives for the better part of two years.  You asked me once, what caused the estrangement?  Who knows?  We are not aware of an incident or argument that provoked it.   We spent a year and a half having absolutely no idea what was going on or what we could possibly have done to deserve her abusive treatment.
I have spent most of the previous two years cycling between anger, grief, despair and worry.    On many occasions I felt that I was losing touch with reality and I still do at times.   I had never even heard of BPD until January of this year.  :)D mentioned DBT in a counseling session about a year ago, I remembered it and finally looked it up.   I don't know if she was diagnosed or if she was even informed that her counselor thought that she may have BPD traits.   My guess is that the answer to both of those questions is 'No."  Unfortunately, she has since started seeing another counselor and no longer receiving DBT which makes me very sad for all of us.    She told me she doesn't really need DBT because "it is mostly for addicts you know."  (It is not used to treat addiction).  You also asked me if I thought she would come back.  Again who knows?  I have seen her for a couple of brief dinners but I don't think she has any plans to reconcile.  It seems to me that in each encounter, she is looking for me to say something that she can negatively twist and turn.  If she can't she'll just make something up.   I feel worse after seeing her the last couple of times.   I will never give up on her but my dreams of a life with her in it are dying.  I doubt that I will have contact with future grandchildren - another dream shattered... .I love her so very much but I don't think that the person I loved and nurtured is still there.  I like to think she is still in there somewhere but BPD has stolen her from us.  She seems to have no memory of her wonderful life - and she did have a great life.   How do we exist without our memories?   I would do anything to help her if I could.  While this is devastating for her brother and me, I worry for her because there are no other people on earth who love her as we do.   She doesn't know that and probably never will.  I know the pain will never stop but I am learning to live with it each day.   She is getting married in July and no one in her family will be there.   She did not invite any of us.  I have no idea how to get through the wedding period emotionally intact, but I am trying to take care of myself as best I can.   I know how badly you are hurting and I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better... .I wish there was something ANYONE could say to make us BOTH feel better.  I have found a book that is making a big difference for me in handling my stress, grief, anger, despair and insomnia.   Let me know if you are interested and I'll give you the information.    We are strong, loving mothers who are doing the best we can in what often feels to me like a crazy game of "opposite world."  I am thankful that I found this site - without it, I don't think I would be doing well at all.  Take care - pm me anytime.  Scout206

[Merlot]

Hi Daisy123

What I most appreciate anda in awe of is the balance you are creating!
You continue to set limits with DD and yet understand that you can still
Have some special time on the side with your daughter on her wedding day.
You are a loving mother who takes care of your daughters’ needs as well as your own. Amazing, beautiful and I am
So glad you have shared your journey with us.

Thank you so much for saying this.   It was very difficult to surrender a very special opportunity with my youngest, in particular as I may never attend a wedding of my DD.  But even with some resentment, it is not about me as much as it is about my youngest, and some time together... .maybe even breakfast will be absolutely wonderful and a very treasured compromise.  

She has asked me to give a speech, which i have started writing, I'm not sure I will be able to deliver it without becoming emotional... .moreover, I hope it doesn't trigger an event in my BPD... .something that is playing on my mind.

I will never give up on her but my dreams of a life with her in it are dying.  I doubt that I will have contact with future grandchildren - another dream shattered... .I love her so very much but I don't think that the person I loved and nurtured is still there.  I like to think she is still in there somewhere but BPD has stolen her from us.  

Hi Scout206
I can so relate to this and it's incredibly painful.  I have so many wonderful memories of my daughter but BPD has brought out the Mr Hyde that seems to overshadow and overwhelm the beautiful, talented and funny girl she can be.  Amazing that she is like this to those people most intimately involved with her who challenge her.  As my mother said, butter wouldn't melt in her mouth and strangers would be unable to reconcile the dark side of her personality.

Your daughter is still there; albeit now an adult with ongoing childlike behaviour that manifests in devastating ways.  They are unfortunately the best version of themselves but not the grownups we expected them to be and I think our grief lies there.

I would love to know which book you are reading.

We are in this together and it really means so much to share this with you.

Look forward to speaking with you soon.

Merlot

[DoneMom]

Hi Merlot,

So very much in common with you with my own 23 yr old daughter... .Mine too is very physically beautiful and it attracts many potential suitors. 

She just broke off with her long term boyfriend from high school.  He was in many ways a good kid/young man but over the past nine years she has driven him to the brink (nasty fights with him & his parents, jumping out of his car while he was driving, introducing him to drugs, police involvement & eventually physical violence).  He would still be standing by her but she met someone new.

Her new (in the past 3 weeks) love interest is a slightly older fellow whom I have met once - he came to the hospital after she wrecked her car driving home from his house.  He seems like a nice man who has his life together, he just graduated law school & is studying for his bar exam.  They are spending a lot of time together & I am worried already about when he will turn from knight in shining armor to pure evil in her eyes.

Thankfully she has avoided having any children but I can only begin to imagine your pain with a grandchild involved.

Oh and the dog walking!  My daughter acquired a pit bull puppy several years back... .the poor thing would be caged in a crate all the time if I didn’t walk her.

Anyhow, best to you and hang in there!

DoneMom

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi Donemom

Thank you for posting, and apologies for the delay in responding.  Yes, I feel like the physical attraction is not something that is advantageous to her; quite the opposite. Sadly we all seem to share similarities in the way our children behave and also in our reactions as parents.  I'm so glad we can talk here and learn from one another so that we can somehow navigate our way through by taking care of ourselves while still loving our children.  It's a challenge but I know we're all up for it.

Thank you for thinking of me and I hope we can share more on the board as we go through this together.

Merlot

[DoneMom]

Thanks Merlot,

I really do feel like yours and mine may have been cut from the same mold.  The physical good looks get in the way by making things easier in some ways and harder in others.  I don’t think the police would have pitched so hard for her to go undercover in her current legal drama if she weren’t so attractive - “ You’re a pretty girl, it is easier than you think, guys will WANT to buy you drugs”.  And sadly it was true, she feels vindicated. 

I look forward to continued dialogue and sharing as well, Merlot.  This place has been a true blessing and real help to me - and your thoughtful responses to my posts have been a big part of that!

DMom

[Merlot]

To all of you who have posted and followed my journey since earlier this year, I just wanted to provide the last update to this post.

So, with a heart full of excitement and trepidation, I traveled across the other side of the country to attend my youngest daughter's wedding. I availed myself to my youngest daughter in the days leading up to the wedding as much as possible, and I'm so grateful for the opportunity to have been involved.  On the morning of the wedding she was getting ready with the bridesmaids (my DD and GD included).  In order to mitigate against any emotional triggers for my DD if I had turned up there to help, we had agreed that we would do breakfast instead. 

As it turned out, the hairdresser was arriving early; breakfast had to be parked.  My youngest said to me:  "mum, you didn't cause this, I didn't cause this... .it's my wedding day and I want you here with me for a while and DD will just have to deal with it".  I said "of course"... .and with that I arrived at the accommodation where they were getting ready.  I walked into the room where my DD and GD were.  After not having seen or spoken to them since January, all I wanted to do was to reach out and hug them both; it was so surreal.  Intuitively, my DD knew I was there and turned her back.  So no acknowledgement, just a cold shoulder and I walked past them both straight to the bathroom where my youngest was getting ready.  With my heart thumping with pain and hurt, I did what every mother does "shelved my emotions", hugged my daughter and told her how beautiful she looked on her wedding day.  We exchanged loving conversation and pleasantries with the other bridesmaids (my niece and youngest's best friend).  While all the "right" things were said and done, it would be fair to say that no-one was exempt from the elephant in the room.  It was a strange kind of awkwardness for which there are no words.

My youngest gave me and my husband cards and gifts, which we perused over coffee; both my husband and I shed a tear for the tremendous love and depth of relationship we share with her.

So, my beautiful girl walked down the aisle to a wonderful young man that we adore and couldn't have been prouder and happier for them both.  It truly was a special moment; a moment of happiness that all parents dream of.

The wedding was like any other (but truly unique), families and friends chatting and mingling, but there was much pain and sorrow still there under the surface; both past and present.  I had my brave, happy face on and for the most part, I really was ok and chatted the night away as you do.  However, moments when I stole a look at my DD, I also caught her looking at me only to turn away on realization. At one point, she was nowhere to be seen and my GD was being entertained by my ex-sister in law.  I went over and we each held GDs hand and walked with her round the venue.  Sadly, she has no recognition of me and that single experience just broke my heart.  That's all I can say about that atm... .

Her father gave the first speech, Wow !  I was so ashamed and embarrassed for my youngest and her husband.  His first words were "Hi, I'm the father of the groom".  Ooops! - was he trying to be funny, nervous, made a mistake - I just don't know.  Anyway, the entire speech was about him, every sentence started with "I", and what a good father he had been and if not for him, his youngest daughter would not be who she is and where she is today.  He did not mention the grooms parents and did not toast the bride and groom.  I was shocked but in hindsight not surprised. 

All of the other speeches hit the high notes that one would expect and I was grateful to be able to be part of this.

In the aftermath of the wedding and catching up with family, I finally had time to reflect and to begin to process the events.  How does one even begin to reconcile one of the happiest and saddest days of ones life.  I have no answers, just that I cried until I couldn't and then told myself that tomorrow is a new day and I need to continue to move forwards, as after all I have much to celebrate.

And so dear friends, here I am again pouring my heart out to all of you who I don't really know, but who understand in ways that people close to me can't.

I hope that my journey has helped some of you and I will continue to learn from all of you here in the hope that my DD and I can reconnect in a meaningful way - BPD and all   

Merlot

[Feeling Better]

Oh Merlot I have been wondering how you are, you have been in my thoughts so much. I was hoping that this wedding would finally bring you and your daughter back together 

I recently reached out to my son and got nothing back from him, as was expected, but still really painful. I get every single word that you have written and you have written it so very eloquently.

You ask “How does one even begin to reconcile one of the happiest and saddest days of one’s life?” You will, it will take time but you will get there. The only thing that I can compare this to that has happened in my life is this: No one from my family at all attended the christening of my first daughter, my parents’ first grandchild. They never came and I was heartbroken on that day, a day that should have been filled with such happiness. And the reason they didn’t come? They didn’t like our choice of godparents! How cruel life can be at times, I feel your pain.

We are with you Merlot, take really good care of yourself x 

[Merlot]

Thanks for your kind words FB

We have been travelling this journey together and we have so many similiarities in our circumstances and I'm glad we can be here for each other, and many others.  There certainly have been some challenges for you too and whether there are formal diagnoses or not, the issues/behavioural traits seem to run in families.  i'm sorry none came to the christening, that must devastating for you

Just before the wedding, I had an opportunity to speak to my ex-husband's mother.  We had always been close, but in the aftermath of my divorce to her son, he forbid her to talk to me, so we used to talk secretly in the best interests of the children but it waned over the years, as the girls got older.  I think we have travelled a similar universe - one generation apart.  She with a husband and a son (the one I married) who show BPD/narcissistic traits, and, me who used to be married to her son and now have a diagnosed daughter.  She is also very worried about my DD and we have agreed to get together at the next available opportunity when I am in my home state to debrief and consider how best to support her, even though I am still NC.

I'm not sure what I am hoping to achieve, just that I know this conversation feels right for me and probably long overdue.

Thanks again for being here for me.

Merlot

[Daisy123]

Hello Merlot,
First of all, you write beautifully-I felt as if I were there.

Secondly, your youngest daughter is pretty amazing. I was struck with how well she handled the underlying termoil on her wedding day (father’s speech, DD’s cold shoulder ect). She has some major problem solving skills and limit setting skills. Your youngest took some big risks to make sure you were a big part in her day.

How heartbreaking it was to hear that GD didn’t recognize you. Perhaps the incredibly respectful way you went about this big day will open up some healing space for DD and you. You kept your distance and set your needs aside so that the day could run as smoothly as it did.

It’s wonderful that you were able to connect to your former MIL. Is she in touch with DD?

Lastly, just wanted to say how sorry I am that this beautiful wedding came with such mixed emotions.

Daisy123

[Merlot]

Hi Daisy123

Thank you for your post and care, your sentiments about my youngest are very reflective of her; she's a beautiful soul.  My former MIL mentioned to me that it is like she is the older/wiser sister.

My GD, it's been one of the things that I've found most difficult to talk about, as it has left such a hole in my heart.  My husband's sons were very kind to take photos for me and I have some beautiful ones of her.  I hope you're right that my DD will come around, but in my heart I don't feel it at the moment.

My MIL is in touch with my DD, she lives in my home state where my girls are.  She confided to me some of her concerns about my DD.  I will be back in my home state in sometime this month and I look forward to sitting down with her for a long overdue chat.

I hope you are well Daisy123 

Merlot

[wendydarling]

Hi Merlot  

I'm delighted to hear the wedding went well for your youngest and your now son in law, their happiness shone through on their day   . I feel your love for your family and with your grace, I hope you've come away with some confidence and hope things can change.

My daughter while not NC, has gained from family and friends understanding, consistency and I know how important it is to you to have family around for your DD, so to reconnect with your MIL I hope brings support to you, her, both your girls and the family.

There were painful moments for you, and with your GD, I hope the joyful memories overall keep you going Merlot!

WDx  

[Merlot]

Thank you WD.

Yes my DD is very loved by the family despite the challenges and this is a good thing.

And importantly, I know hey want the best for both if us.

Im struck by WW words to FB about staying connected even if its just through periodic messaging to let hrr lnow I still care. I will reach out again soon.

Thankyou for always being there for me.

Merlot