Why would a woman so afraid of abandonment "not want to be in a relationship?”

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Someone just clarify. Why would a women so needy and so afraid of abandonment "not want to be in a relationship anymore with anybody".

Does that mean she has totally decided to not be committed to anybody so she can sleep with everybody (with no guilt), or that menopause has just made her a bitter old maid?

She blames me saying that I ruined her, and that she cant trust another man, she seams to just hate men and even told me at one point she found a woman that she really liked.  She is in the dog world where there are lots of lesbians and several of her girlfriends are bi and seem to like her. Is she bi now? i just don't get it?

[dumpsterdog]

Someone just clarify. Why would a women so needy and so afraid of abandonment "not want to be in a relationship anymore with anybody".

Does that mean she has totally decided to not be committed to anybody so she can sleep with everybody (with no guilt), or that menopause has just made her a bitter old maid?

She blames me saying that I ruined her, and that she cant trust another man, she seams to just hate men and even told me at one point she found a woman that she really liked.  She is in the dog world where there are lots of lesbians and several of her girlfriends are bi and seem to like her. Is she bi now? i just don't get it?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey dd, In my view, it's a double-edged sword: they fear abandonment, but if someone gets too close, it triggers their fight or flight response from prior trauma (sometimes described as fear of engulfment).  The classic expression is: I love you; go away.  For the most part, a pwBPD bounces between these two emotional poles.  One day you're in; one day you're out.  Repeat as necessary until you catch on, which if you're like me, can take years!

LuckyJim

[dumpsterdog]

Thanks... .but i have to laugh at your name " lucky Jim"... .why do you call your self " lucky " if you in the same boat with me... becauase i feel more like " sabatoged mike " ... not " luck
y at all!

[dumpsterdog]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=128254.0

I took the test and do not understand where to see my results.?

[dumpsterdog]

or maybe i just dont understand how to read them.?

[Turkish]

Maybe she's just hurt and saying and trying different things in order to cope with her dysregulated emotions and distorted world view.  

[SlyQQ]

If they do not get into a relationship they can't be abandoned,

everyone is far happier when this happens it is a good thing

[zeus123]

borderlines are not afraid of abandonment contrary to popular belief, they aren't afraid of abandonment. They expect abandonment, they've grown to expect it from the time they were infant onward, borderlines are not afraid of abandonment. What they are afraid of is feeling a little too close to you, they're afraid of attaching fully to you because you might see how DESPICABLY they see themselves, you might actually in their mind see how DISGUSTING they are to themselves and so they project that on to you. So if they get real close to you, if they really open up and you are able to see the soft fleshy under belly of their most endearing parts they are afraid you will REJECT them. They are afraid of ATTACHMENT not ABANDONMENT, abandonment is like breathing to them they expect it. I hope this is educational for you and for others on this board.

PEACE...

[SlyQQ]

borderlines are not afraid of abandonment contrary to popular belief, they aren't afraid of abandonment. They expect abandonment, they've grown to expect it from the time they were infant onward, borderlines are not afraid of abandonment. What they are afraid of is feeling a little too close to you, they're afraid of attaching fully to you because you might see how DESPICABLY they see themselves, you might actually in their mind see how DISGUSTING they are to themselves and so they project that on to you. So if they get real close to you, if they really open up and you are able to see the soft fleshy under belly of their most endearing parts they are afraid you will REJECT them. They are afraid of ATTACHMENT not ABANDONMENT, abandonment is like breathing to them they expect it. I hope this is educational for you and for others on this board.

PEACE...

Basically agree but would say they fear being abandoned ( not actual abandonment as you point out) they are fine alone and even thrive if they can maintain a number of "not to close" relationships ( rejection is more narccisistic thing)

[dumpsterdog]

Thanks responders ... that makes me at least feel a litle better knowing that mayvbe she is smart enought to not want to be in a relationship and maybe shes actually not " sleeping with everybody " ... but just hermitting herself in with a few friends when she needs the trees trimmed eetc... ?

[pearlsw]

Someone just clarify. Why would a women so needy and so afraid of abandonment "not want to be in a relationship anymore with anybody".

Does that mean she has totally decided to not be committed to anybody so she can sleep with everybody (with no guilt), or that menopause has just made her a bitter old maid?

She blames me saying that I ruined her, and that she cant trust another man, she seams to just hate men and even told me at one point she found a woman that she really liked.  She is in the dog world where there are lots of lesbians and several of her girlfriends are bi and seem to like her. Is she bi now? i just don't get it?

There are a lot of reasons anyone would not want to be in a relationship - you get hurt, misunderstood, it's a lot of work, there are a lot of downsides for people. But we do them because we are drawn in by the benefits. Finding a situation where the upsides make the downsides worth it is not easy for any of us. I absolutely adore men, but I also feel like I've been put in a position to "raise" a few and it takes a lot of energy and frankly I'd only go through this again for someone incredibly special with amazing communication skills. Short of that, no thanks, not because I don't want to be with someone I just want something much, much better and healthier if I'm gonna give so much time and energy to it. Being alone/single is not "the worst thing" I can imagine anymore.

Frankly, if she wants no commitment and wants to sleep with others of any gender that's her choice and she is free to explore that as long as she's not intentionally hurting others.

She "blames you" because that is part of the communication patterns of this illness. Ask yourself, did you ruin her, if not let it go. It is just blame and not a fair assessment of things. I suppose I could blame my uBPDtraits partner for a lot of things he's done that have damaged my life, sure, but ultimately this is my life and if I want a better one it is on me to fix it, not him. So, perhaps a good use of your energy to let that go a bit? (In time and at your pace.)

Maybe she's bi. Maybe she's exploring. Maybe her sexual identity will expand into new areas permanently. Maybe she is just comfortable around women who are talking to her and making her feel understood. Who knows. She might not know either. In time it will likely become clear. She's your ex, right? Would that make you feel hurt if you found out that she'd changed in this regard or why would this be an issue for you I wonder?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Skip]

Someone just clarify. Why would a women so needy and so afraid of abandonment "not want to be in a relationship anymore with anybody".

This is common relationship breakup language.

We need to talk.
It's not you. It's me.
I'm just not ready for this kind of relationship.
Let's just be friends.
I think we need a break.
I don't want to be in a relationship now.
You deserve better.
We should start seeing other people.
I need my space.
I think we're moving too fast.
I need to focus on my career.
I’m not good enough for you.
I just don't love you anymore.
We're just not right for each other.
It's for the best.
We've grown apart.

[pearlsw]

Thanks Skip.

Ouch! That about sums it up! It's better to have someone read off that script than say something much, much worse, but still... .ouch!

[RandomName]

This is common relationship breakup language.

We need to talk.
It's not you. It's me.
I'm just not ready for this kind of relationship.
Let's just be friends.
I think we need a break.
I don't want to be in a relationship now.
You deserve better.
We should start seeing other people.
I need my space.
I think we're moving too fast.
I need to focus on my career.
I’m not good enough for you.
I just don't love you anymore.
We're just not right for each other.
It's for the best.
We've grown apart.

Yikes, my ex used all but four of these on me.

[dumpsterdog]

The real irony is ... .this... .dejavu... i went through this entire process two years ago... .came home to get a break from her... .spent a couple months apart... .used bpdfamily boards... .worked really stupid jobs in another state just to stay away from her... .then low and behold... .she decided she loved me, missed me, and needed me... .so i went back to her in vegas... .i took my time getting there though... .stopped and did some sight seeing etc... .took and extra two days to get therer\ ( 1700 mile drive _)... .and by the time I finally got to vegas, the door was locked and she had already called my mom saying " i dont want him here "... .so i arrived to a locked door and three or four days of silent treatment... .within three months, she already wanted me to leave... and i ended up renting another house, once again, blowing all my money on extra house expenses etc... .and now heres is the perfect setup to relive that again... you are right... .is it worth going 1700 mile cross country for that ... .prolly not... .but i love vegas and as a musician there is not a bity city in america... so thats where i want to live... .but being in the same town as her just screws me up and cant even enjoy being therer... maybe i should stay a few extra mnths... make sure she is out of my system before going back... .and lets face it... .i dont " need " a woman... .and if i do ... there are pleeeenty in vegas... .im jut stuck wanting to fix her... .and its prolly just not a good use of my time anymore... thanks... .i just talkled myself down for now!

[pearlsw]

Hi dumpsterdog,

How are you doing today? So you were about to go through this cycle over again, but you talked yourself out of it? Do I understand you correctly?

What do you think it is that sticks you to this partner if I may ask? What makes you want to fix her?

take care, pearl.

[GaGrl]

Since it isn't in your power to fix her, what do you see her doing to improve her behaviors that are so painful to you? Is she taking anger management classes! Seeing a therapist? Seeking DBT ?

If you see her doing nothing, you are on a hamster wheel.

[dumpsterdog]

What is ti about this woa... .i said before... i see her like a wounded animal... and i have compassion... and i still remenber the hoeymoon phase... any honestly... maybe whe has be " vexed " on thinking it was " all my fault " ... and want to prove her wrong... .its hard to say

[dumpsterdog]

and ... come to thik of it... i thried to set noundaries then... and told her if she ever kicked me out agin... .it would be the last time... .so guess i need to stick to that.

[dumpsterdog]

Thank you everyone who has resounded to my " all over the place posts". I'm a charming guy. I'm good looking. Not bragging, just saying that wherever I go I manage to hook up good conversations with good looking girls. So why am I stuck on this one. THERE IS NOT GOOD REASON. I need to forget about her and just be glad I'm not on the hamster wheel.

Anyone that wants to read through my very truthful posts, I'm still open for more feedback.

I know intellectually that I don't need any more of her ___. I'm still trying to fix a wounded animal.  I need to let this one just die. Its too far gone to fix. I'm just pissed for having gotten used and abused and i need to let it go.

[Turkish]

What does letting it go look like to you? That is, imaging your life going forward without her?

[FindingMe2011]

Thank yu everyone who has resonded to my " all over the place posts"... .im a charming guy... im good looking... ( not bragin just saying ... wherever i go i manage to hook up good conversations with good looking girls

When one is all over the place, it shows confusion... .maybe try answering the harder questions, people put in front of you?... .um, you are bragging, its your narcissism, that doesnt allow this to be seen, by you

... so why am i stuck on this one... THER IS NOT GGOOD REASON... .

There are plenty, and not confronting these, will most likely assure you, of finding a similar r/s... .

... .i need to forget about her and just be glad im not on the hamster wheel... anyone that want to read through my very truthful posts.

Oh your still om the hamster wheel, its just not hers... .acknowledging the abuse, is a start... Understanding why you are so willing, to accept this abuse, would be a little more truth... .I wish u well, PEACE



 

[Jeffree]

So why am I stuck on this one. THERE IS NOT GOOD REASON.

If I had to guess, she's tapping into something very deep in your past that is at the core of your experience of parental love.

Pop psych... .and I didn't even sleep at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

Who is the truly immutably charming good looking person who couldn't get it right with their SO no matter how charming and good looking he or she was to them?

I suspect that this person you are twisting yourself in knots over is the perfect person with whom it seems you might be able to rectify the loss from your past. But alas, just like what happened in the past to that charming good-looking person, this, too, will not have a happy ending.

FWIW.

J

[dumpsterdog]

i am sure i am showing confusion... because i am confused... .i didnt mean to saound Narcisistic... .i was just tellng myself i dont need to stay around someone who treats me like a loser. ( because im not repulsive, and people do seem to like me... is that bad.? )... .and sometimes saying it out loud helps me realize this... .in my perfect " future " ( i know ... .one day at a time )... .i would love to have another chance with her and conduct myself in the way i neeed to to be good for her and her good for me... howesver... in the past when i try ... it just seems like she pushes the envolope... .the more patient / kind /understanding, non self - centered ... .i try to be... it seems like to just keeps trying to push my butuns until i just go beserk... .and then she punishes me for reacting... .i mean late for dinner by 10 minutes turns into two weeks of hell... how do i battle that... or rather " handle " that

[Jeffree]

i would love to have another chance with her and conduct myself in the way i neeed to to be good for her and her good for me

That riddle might not have a solution.

J

[WarOfRoses]

The problem dumpsterdog is you give off the vibe of somebody who complains of being seriously abused by their partner yet you are ready to run back to that person as soon as she clicks her fingers.

It's hard to give advice in this scenario.

[AnuDay]

BPDs are excellent for this Dumpster.  Get you to totally turn around your whole life for them and then BAM! see you later, they're gone with the wind.  Their sole purpose is to make you feel the same pain, anger, shame, guilt, or loneliness that they feel.  Travelling 1700 miles to a locked door is certainly one way for a person to go from sky high to down in the dumps (or ready to kick a door in).  You must not play their games.  You must have strength and resolve in your decision making skills and in your life to make decisions that will be in your best interest and only your best interest.  It is your life.  You must take back control of it.  This is what I tell everyone here whenever I post.  The main game in relationships with people with BPD is control.  If they have it, most of the time us nons lose... .that's just the way it is.  It's like being on a ship being driven by a drunken sailor.  Either you crash or you jump overboard... .your choice.

[Skip]

Can you show them here?

[dumpsterdog]

i cant finde them now... pretty much showed modderatley to severly depressed... .i think i scored 47 on one ,, and my other test... i have t find it... i remember avoidant was one... i took it twice... one time BPD was a high score... i think i just dont remember

[dumpsterdog]

Thank you anuday... .good advice... .i think i may have some power ;. control issues my self and im tryin g" prove her wrong " about me... and she knows that probably... .so i need to just get through 330 days of nc first ... .then see where the chips fall for me maybe... ?