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Author Topic: Re: My GF told me she doesn't want me and she is leaving my life (Pt 2)  (Read 1151 times)
Yuu
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« on: February 08, 2018, 06:56:10 AM »

I haven't had sleep for like 22 hours so I will reply to it later.

I went after school time to catch a glimpse of her. And I did and she saw me it was too far but I knew we were looking at each other. But as soon as she saw me I went behind the buses and trees so our eyes can't meet again. My heart was beating like crazy the whole time. I am so scared that I might have messed up by doing this but I couldn't help but to go and even if it was for a mili second I saw her.

Was it a bad thing that I went and did that?
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« Reply #1 on: February 08, 2018, 09:38:26 AM »

Staff only

This post was the continuation of a previous post that you can find here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=320463.60
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Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life Proverbs 13:12

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« Reply #2 on: February 08, 2018, 10:59:21 AM »

It may have been bad in that it probably was not the healthiest thing for you to do.

There are so many posts around here from people who have cyber-stalked their ex on social media and have done just what you did. I am guilty of both as well. It isn't healthy though.

Many of us succumb to our emotions. We feel that we must. We stop thinking with a Wisemind. The feelings of panic and anxiety overwhelm us.

Our thoughts and actions dictate our feelings and emotions. To change the feelings and emotions, we must change the thoughts and actions.

I learned four little words that have helped me greatly in such moments: This too shall pass.

What I also learned was that the things that we need to ask ourselves in the moments before we do such things are:

  • What is my motivation for doing this?
  • How with this further my goals?
  • What do I expect the outcome from this to be?


Looking back, what would your answers to those questions be? What will they be if you get such an urge in the future?
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« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2018, 12:32:36 PM »

how do you think she felt about it?
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« Reply #4 on: February 08, 2018, 04:41:27 PM »

Meili, Once removed, I don't think wanting to see the person you love is a bad thing but maybe it was a bad thing for me to do now. Tbh I did it because I wanted to see her so much second thing is because I thought maybe she will miss me If she sees me.

LISTEN!
She called me right now and she asked about me or so then she told me that she was just checking on me and on how I was doing noticing that She was going to hang up I was asleep so it took me a bit to get my act together then I started asking about her and w joked alot. We didn't talk about anything related to us except when we mentioned a inner joke between us about (someone envying us our relationship ) then all I did was talk about her study and pointless Things mostly joking  then she told me just a sec. But it hang up we will probably continue talking anytime now CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO SAY AND HOW TO APPEAR CONFIDENT. without appearing to be saying I am better without you.
Because If I told her I started attending my lessons  and I am taking my studies seriously. It may sound like her leaving me made this possible as I wasn't focused on them before?

Any fast reply would be appreciated (on what to say and not to say)
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« Reply #5 on: February 08, 2018, 04:46:13 PM »

You did great by not talking about the relationship. That's exactly what you need to keep doing. If she brings it up, then follow her lead. Otherwise, be bright, shiny, and lovingly indifferent.

As for the being confident, let's just start with not projecting doom and gloom, and depression. Keep things neutral.
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« Reply #6 on: February 08, 2018, 04:48:10 PM »

Because you wanted a rapid response, I hit post on that last one without addressing the "wanting to see the person you love" comment. That in and of itself is not a bad thing. Appearing needy or clingy, or like a stalker is bad.
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« Reply #7 on: February 08, 2018, 04:53:47 PM »

CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO SAY AND HOW TO APPEAR CONFIDENT. without appearing to be saying I am better without you.
Because If I told her I started attending my lessons  and I am taking my studies seriously. It may sound like her leaving me made this possible as I wasn't focused on them before?

Any fast reply would be appreciated (on what to say and not to say)

i wouldnt worry too much about sending that message... .psychologically, we all go through some version of that after a breakup, seeing a person doing better, apart from us, is kind of attractive.

so as long as youre not rubbing it in her face, or sounding petty, or flat out telling her youre better off without her, its still good to talk about the stuff youre up to, having our lives together is attractive in general.

i kinda had a feeling she might reach out after the run in. its a good sign. there are still no guarantees, and if things are going to turn around for the better, its going to take some time, but this was a good start, and you did great!

so, what are you thinking in terms of next moves?

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« Reply #8 on: February 08, 2018, 05:00:06 PM »

Meili, Yes thank you for your fast respond. I think her mobile battery went out. As for the thing with seeing her. It is not like I went everyday it is just today I had some free time so I went it is near my house our school. Plus I think it had a positive effect but I need to get my Codependency thing fixed or even if we go back the relationship is going nowhere.

As for the questions
Motivation :wanting to see her and let her see me
Future :maybe she will miss me or think about us and I am satisfied with just seeing her
Outcome: her thinking more about me... Making her wanting contact. (we have a saying in my country... Who the eye doesn't see... The heart doesn't miss)

Once removed, I don't know but maybe happy to see me, curious why I am here, worried, missing me perhaps
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« Reply #9 on: February 08, 2018, 05:04:27 PM »

Once removed, I don't know but maybe happy to see me, curious why I am here, worried, missing me perhaps

i wouldnt have necessarily recommended it, if its showing up some place you dont normally go, as she could feel spied on.

regardless, it had the desired outcome, so now we focus on next steps. got anything in mind?
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« Reply #10 on: February 08, 2018, 06:09:19 PM »

Once removed,

Here is the update of the second call we talked joked around talked about our study then she mentioned that she sleeps alot and that she is really tired and have no power to do anything (which she SAYS ALOT when we were together) she asked if I had a lesson tomorrow morning so I said yes she offered to wake me up by calling me which she usually did but I declined to appear complete and can handle my things. Then she told me if I didn't wake up I'd have to buy her a expensive chocolate and If I wake up then I have to buy her cheap chocolate. I agreed after joking about it. I so didn't want to hang up I want to talk all night but I knew I had to set boundaries and appear confident and responsible so I told her we should probably hang up so we can get some sleep. then she told me let me ask you a question  but we will hang up right after I told why hang up right after? If it is on your mind let's talk about it.she said no. I said okay She asked if I was feeling happy I asked her in general or right now she said right now at this moment I said Yes she told me just happy or really really happy I said really really happy. Then we talked about other things then I told her to answer her own question and we did the same conversation backwards and I kept laughing a bit of happiness( C'mon I couldn't help it) I even said I don't want to hang up tbh but I have lessons and responsibilities then we had this habit of not saying goodbye but we say see you soon because it means till next time not farewell so I asked what should I say then I said see you soon but she said goodbye. And That is it. W

I don't know what my next move is. But I know I need to fix my codependency first
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« Reply #11 on: February 08, 2018, 06:12:34 PM »

Wentworth, I will search for the book but I don't know If I will find it. It is hard to find english books unless they are famous.
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« Reply #12 on: February 08, 2018, 06:14:48 PM »

Yuu, these are really great signs. youre letting her lead, like Meili suggested and shes getting all sentimental about the relationship, and she clearly wants to keep in touch.

youre being receptive, but youre keeping just the right amount of emotional distance.

and she clearly feels good about the conversation. good. let her sit with that, it can turn into more.

youre doing great. its hard to see where you could have played your hand better.

we can talk about next moves as they come. it sounds pretty likely she will be reaching out soon, and id be inclined to wait a couple of days for that to happen, then if she doesnt, id reach out (keeping in mind she doesnt want to chase either).
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« Reply #13 on: February 08, 2018, 06:23:52 PM »

Once removed, god this is such a relief. But Now my fears increase. That I would have to go through break up again if we come back.

But you know with the chocolate thing and all. I shouldn't contact her? And wait for her for a couple of days? But If she doesn't call I should call her? What if she texts me. Texting isn't my field and I don't really get to know how she feels.?
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« Reply #14 on: February 09, 2018, 07:02:46 AM »

once removed is giving you some really good advice about allowing things to sit with her for a few days. If she contacts you, fine; continue to allow her to lead. But, try not to panic if she doesn't.

The chocolate thing is good because if you haven't heard from her in a few days you can reach out and offer her the chocolate. (BTW, now we all want to know if you have to buy her expensive chocolate, or if you can get by with the cheaper stuff because you woke up in time?)

As far as your next moves: learning... .both your studies and about BPD, our role in it, and The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship.
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« Reply #15 on: February 09, 2018, 07:23:49 AM »

Hahaha... I woke up yes xD After all I need to appear confident and able.you think I should get her the expensive ones anyway? I want to do it but I don't know if I should or just honor the deal.

I read that article a couple of times.but couldn't get  the steps (I am dumb at this stuff I need to be told how to do this exactly from A to Z :/) I will keep validation and not JADEing
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« Reply #16 on: February 09, 2018, 09:48:56 AM »

Not dumb, just inexperienced.

There are several things at play here, but possibly the most important is your own mental health. It's good that you are working on your codependency issues. When I was going through what you are, I found that I could use my codependency issues to my advantage while I worked on things.

I knew that I wanted to save my relationship, and I knew that I had to be emotionally strong in order to do so. When I felt weak and terrified to be alone, I would tell myself that I had to endure the fear and stay strong for her... .for us.

Unfortunately, there is no set formula. Each situation is unique. But, it sounds like you are taking the right steps. Perhaps someone else will weigh in here and provide some suggestions for you.
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« Reply #17 on: February 09, 2018, 08:41:59 PM »

UPDATE... She texted me and asked if I woke up and then w texted a bit. Then she posted a story so I replied to it. And then w texted for a while then she wanted to sleep so she told me to stay with her until she falls asleep so we kept texting and then she told me she is sleeping and she ASKED AGAIN the same question are you happy? Just happy or very happy? I replied very happy we are texting but... Then she asked but what I told her but you need to get some rest and sleep.she asked if it was really what I was going to say I said yes. She asked If I wanted to ask her anything so I said there are many thing but now is not the time or place.but I will ask her the same question she asked but I think she slept so she didn't answer it.

SO... How do I approach this? I mean I don't want to keep texting like we are friends because I don't want that kind of relationship. But you guys told me not to open getting back together subject unless she opens it. So what do I do to get us back THE RIGHT WAY? I mean if we are getting back I want us to talk and I want her to tell me all about her fears and insecurities and relay all of her emotions. HOW DO I DO THAT?
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« Reply #18 on: February 10, 2018, 12:09:51 AM »

SO... How do I approach this? I mean I don't want to keep texting like we are friends because I don't want that kind of relationship.

i think youre precisely right. this is all great news, she contacted you again, and again, you were receptive, upbeat, but kept some emotional distance. i think id up the ante at this point because you dont want to stay locked in the same place. id ask her to hang out, without pressuring her. you might mention that you "owe her that chocolate".

But you guys told me not to open getting back together subject unless she opens it.

to be clear, what i think you want to avoid is a heavy duty conversation about getting back together, or the status of your relationship. let her push for that, and lead on that.

but as you say, youre not especially interested in a friendship, you want to get back together. and to some extent, you want to be clear about that.

So what do I do to get us back THE RIGHT WAY?

ask her to hang out. propose a place, one you know she likes, ask when shes available. be assertive and try to nail it down, but dont be pushy. she might decline, she might think its too soon, thats okay.

if she declines, respond with grace. be cool with it and back off. and then dial back on responding, take a little bit more time between texts, or whatever, each time. not pouty, or hurt, just busy pursuing that brighter future.

this might sound like playing games. what its mainly about is sending a message through actions as opposed to words. the intended message is "i want to be with you. im not interested in being buddies." thats true, right? then you want your actions to reflect it. if she were just your buddy, you wouldnt automatically brake to instantly respond to every text. youd be busy enjoying your life. and thats very attractive.

I mean if we are getting back I want us to talk and I want her to tell me all about her fears and insecurities and relay all of her emotions. HOW DO I DO THAT?

like you said, as much as you may want it, now is not a good time. you can cross that bridge when you get to it; keep working the tools and the links weve shared, and when shes ready for that conversation, youll be ready, strong and supportive, and that too will be very attractive.
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« Reply #19 on: February 10, 2018, 01:05:33 AM »

Once removed,

So let me get this. I ask to hang out and while we are out. I should ask her how is she feeling about us? And if she wants to get back? If she declines or displays insecurity I should just change the subject.but what if she says HOW do I get her to relay her feelings to me and get a clear vision that I want honesty and no more of hiding feelings and things? The pain doesn't fade away and If I go back and this happens again I am not sure if I can withstand it...

I NEED TO KNOW HER RESOLUTION TO KEEP THIS RELATIONSHIP!

GOD, I hate this feeling why am I in such pain and agony
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« Reply #20 on: February 10, 2018, 11:18:42 AM »

UPDATE! UPDATE!

we were talking on the phone for too long then she asked me if I were happy in this past week I replied I wasn't but it okay I am living then she said she wants to say some stuff then we hang off I told her okay then she said a lot of things VERY IMPORTANT things so she said that she thought about that day when we broke up and that she is surprised at what she said but some things she truly felt.she told me that she wants me but she doesn't want she was mostly saying that she had opposite feelings and it was because of fear she told me that her feelings are messed up and that she doesn't want anyone to last with her to the end and that she doesn't want me with her when she is sad and crying even if she knows I want to be there for her. She also said that she doesn't want the responsibility of a relationship and that it is too heavy to have duties.she loves me and misses everything about me but she is still feeling insecure and afraid and she doesn't know why or from what.she said that she is still feeling the same and that she doesn't want to be in a relationship.

I think that is all I remember...
SO here is what I did I validate her feelings and told her that it is okay and that I demand no responsibility from her and that as she can see I can take care of myself So she doesn't have to do anything for me. I told her that we can think about what is making the relationship heavy and that it is no different than being bestfriends. And that everything can be simple. And That I am not rushing her into anything. And that it is best to have me by her instead of facing these fears alone.I told her to think about it and tell me anything else she feels but she said there a lot of things but she can't explain. She is still feeling afraid and insecure.As she had to hang up I told her just think about that there little difference between bestfriends and lovers. That I appreciate her telling me how she feels and that I am happy she expressed her emotions. And if she found out anything about why is she feeling that way she can call me.

My validation was something like I can understand how bad it was. It must have been horrible to feel like this,Am I doing it right? 

So how do I deal with this? I can't see the relationship going anywhere without getting RID OF HER FEARS AND INSECURITIES! I need help on this. And how to make her feel that the RESPONSIBILITY isn't that heavy
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« Reply #21 on: February 10, 2018, 11:27:30 AM »

i typed this while you were updating. ill respond to the update in another post.

I should ask her how is she feeling about us? And if she wants to get back?

i wouldnt. i would make the goal to just have a great time. leave her (both of you) wanting more.

If she declines or displays insecurity I should just change the subject.but what if she says HOW do I get her to relay her feelings to me and get a clear vision that I want honesty and no more of hiding feelings and things? The pain doesn't fade away and If I go back and this happens again I am not sure if I can withstand it...

try to look at this as a brand new relationship... .as if youre courting her. in the early stage of a relationship, you wouldnt want to have that conversation, it would be too heavy, and put too much weight on something that is trying to blossom. put the emphasis, like you have, on being fun and upbeat, and having a good time. thats about the best thing you can do, in the early stage of a relationship, to reduce insecurity.

if she brings it up herself, and i doubt she will, but its possible, what you primarily want to do is listen and validate. dont overly invest in the conversation, or try to rescue.

I NEED TO KNOW HER RESOLUTION TO KEEP THIS RELATIONSHIP!

i hear you. for the most part, her actions will show that. its not something you want to press her into answering directly.

problems and serious relationship discussions will eventually arise. they do in every relationship. whats more important right now is to start building a strong foundation for the relationship, so that when they do arise, youre strong and ready, and you breeze right through them. and that will reduce her insecurity too, and build trust.

does that make sense?
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« Reply #22 on: February 10, 2018, 11:38:44 AM »

you did very well in that conversation. you were strong, no pressure, you spoke clearly and with confidence. she trusted you enough to have that conversation, and you mirrored back to her that it was safe.

moreover, she was pretty upfront by telling you that she does want you.

reading between the lines, shes just not sure how much, because her feelings are overwhelming her, shes scared, and insecure. ive been there. its the equivalent of "i like you, but im not sure how much". that is definitely something you can work with. often times when its happened to me, i did too much over pursuing, got too needy, didnt display confidence, and all that does is tell the other person that they are right to be hesitant.

what you did was kind of a live version of SET. great.

I can't see the relationship going anywhere without getting RID OF HER FEARS AND INSECURITIES! I need help on this.

you cant completely get rid of her insecurities. a long term strategy of showing strength and building trust will help the both of you get past them when they happen.

And how to make her feel that the RESPONSIBILITY isn't that heavy

the best way to do this is to show it through actions. its typically neediness and woundedness that make another person feel like the responsibilities are too heavy. if you model the kind of relationship that you described to her, shes less likely to feel that the responsibilities are too heavy.
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« Reply #23 on: February 10, 2018, 11:52:33 AM »

Once removed, thank you for fast reply. You are great.

I don't get it. She is feeling insecure and afraid. So how do I make her not feel that? What is a long-term strategy? I mean there won't be a relationship in the first place if I don't get rid of them.

And You're absolutely right I was doing that before we broke up.

Can you explain further about how to make responsibility feel light (simple words please?)

I am meeting her in two days probably (her parents are hard they might disapprove anytime)

She also told me that she stopped the self harming behavior (for a month now or so). I expressed my happiness and joy for it and that we must celebrate this occasion
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« Reply #24 on: February 10, 2018, 12:09:13 PM »

I don't get it. She is feeling insecure and afraid. So how do I make her not feel that?

you cant necessarily make her not feel that. for one, it is the inherent nature of BPD and BPD traits. insecurity and fear are a world view that is deeply ingrained. between the lines, what shes really telling you is that its going to happen from time to time, and she needs you to be okay with that and be able to weather the storm. so far, youre giving her the impression you can do exactly that.

What is a long-term strategy? I mean there won't be a relationship in the first place if I don't get rid of them.

its all about actions, actions, actions, strength, and consistency. if she sees you as a pillar of strength, reliable, trustworthy, consistent, benign, loving, supportive, strong, confident, all of those things, then shes less likely to see you as the source of her insecurities and fears, and see you more as a partner she can lean on when she has them.

think of a scared child. a young child is easily overwhelmed by fears, and doesnt really know how to process them, where they come from, and what to do about them. who do they rely on? their parents. their parents are a source of comfort, strength, refuge. they (ideally) make the child feel safe by being that rock, that source of strength and protection. if the child was scared and sought comfort from their parents, and their parents freaked out and were fearful, the child wouldnt feel safe, their fears would just be amplified.

i dont want you to think of her as a child, or you as her parent exactly, im just giving you a visual. it comes down to your actions and how she sees you. thats your long term strategy.

Can you explain further about how to make responsibility feel light (simple words please?)

in simple terms, again, it comes down to actions... .both what you do, and what you dont do. if youre modeling the kind of relationship you want to have with her, not putting pressure or baggage on her, that is going to make responsibility feel light.

I am meeting her in two days probably (her parents are hard they might disapprove anytime)

great! whats the plan? where are you going?

She also told me that she stopped the self harming behavior (for a month now or so). I expressed my happiness and joy for it and that we must celebrate this occasion

nice move!
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« Reply #25 on: February 10, 2018, 12:22:52 PM »

That sounds really hard. I mean when do I get to rest? I mean I can't appear confident all the time I will feel uncomfortable and like I am not being me. Plus how do I have a relationship with someone I can't lean on? How do I know when is too much responsibility and when is good. I will be afraid to ask her for things like wake up calls or such. So how do I handle the actions you talk about?

I have no plan actually. I have no idea but it will include eating. I don't know what else. It will be short anyway. (we aren't going to celebrate that day)
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« Reply #26 on: February 10, 2018, 12:43:25 PM »

I mean when do I get to rest? I mean I can't appear confident all the time I will feel uncomfortable and like I am not being me. Plus how do I have a relationship with someone I can't lean on?

a relationship with someone with BPD takes a lot of work, and it is hard. you should know that upfront.

confidence comes from within. its not necessarily something that we act, or appear. everyone has their ups and downs, of course, and you are entitled to those.

one of the tools that really helps me to feel confident even when im overwhelmed, feeling insecure, indecisive, afraid, whatever, is Wisemind: https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

confidence isnt about not having problems. its knowing, from within, that you have the strength to take them head on. and it just so happens that that is mighty attractive.

as for who you can lean on? people with BPD are often not terribly reliable in that regard. my ex was very supportive in lots of ways, less so in others. thats true of all people. some people are more equipped for some things, and less so with others.

ill give you an example ive shared many times before. one of my very best friends was very unsupportive, not someone to go to with your problems or a shoulder to cry on. he would say everything wrong, and usually i would just get angry with him. the fact is, that just wasnt his strong suit, but he had others. he was hilarious, and i had a good time with him. so i stopped placing expectations on him that he couldnt meet. our expectations of others can often times be the source of our frustration. i started to just enjoy our friendship for what it was, just having a good time, and when i needed comfort or support, i looked to someone else for that. today, years later, hes actually a great person to go to for support!

what i mean is, we all have needs, and no single person can meet them all. its very important in these relationships to have a strong support system, friends and family you can lean on, when/if you cant lean on her.

How do I know when is too much responsibility and when is good. I will be afraid to ask her for things like wake up calls or such. So how do I handle the actions you talk about?

this is a matter of personal preference, but i think things like wake up calls, and having to greet someone every morning are too much responsibility. my ex wanted those things, and it started to feel like a chore, and it pushed me away, which is the opposite of what she wanted. let that kind of thing be spontaneous, would be my advice.

if youre just talking about a once in a while thing, thats fine. nothing wrong with waking up and wanting to talk to the person you love, its just best to avoid too much enmeshment, and good to have your own separate lives, where your partner is not the end all be all center of your universe. too many "rules", too much scheduling, it can start to feel like a chore.

I have no plan actually. I have no idea but it will include eating. I don't know what else. It will be short anyway. (we aren't going to celebrate that day)

your best bet would be something romantic, you dont want this to be too friendly. is there a particular place you know she loves, a place the two of you have been together?
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« Reply #27 on: February 12, 2018, 11:26:34 PM »

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I see. I understand that I can't rely on one person in everything.

I have read Wisemind but I didn't understand it at all or how to even do it.

Also I don't think validation works or I am doing it wrong because she hates it and told me that she thinks I am taming her or something like that.

We've been texting last few days. And I still can't handle things right. She sometimes has problems with her family and nothing I say can help. She said how she sometimes regrets telling me about her family problem and that talking about it doesn't relief her but it puts a burden on her. And she asked me what are we. I replied saying We are bestfriends and lovers but we are just taking a break. When I asked what is the most thing she wants to do but couldn't do because she was in a relationship with me. Or feels I am suffocating her with. She told me her relationship with boys which is a really sensitive subject for me as it upsets me GREATLY. She also asked if I was upset at anything between us or at her. I replied with it is natural that I am not 100% not upset but there is nothing that really upsets me. Which is a lie. I am upset at a lot of things. But now is not the time.

She also postponed  today's plans. Also when she is upset or have family problems she says that there is nothing wrong. Which I know is not true. And she doesn't even want to talk to me at that time.HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS? AND HELP WITH VALIDATION NOT WORKING?
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« Reply #28 on: February 13, 2018, 02:12:43 PM »

Also I don't think validation works or I am doing it wrong because she hates it and told me that she thinks I am taming her or something like that.

this is a common complaint when folks start trying validation. it comes off as totally robotic and insincere, and makes a person feel awkward.

it takes practice, Yuu. and it needs to be personalized, in a style that suits you, sounds natural, and sincere.

heres an example:

"man, Yuu, that sounds really frustrating. youve been working hard to learn about validation, and to get bad results must be pretty confusing."

thats it. sincere. natural. sympathetic. and its how i normally talk.

whats important to remember is validation is an important tool, a very important tool, but not a panacea. you cant just validate your way to a successful relationship. and not every situation calls for validation, sometimes its more important to just avoid being invalidating. 

reread this, and keep practicing when you can (try it with your friends and family, it works with everyone). youll get the hang of it: https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

We've been texting last few days. And I still can't handle things right. She sometimes has problems with her family and nothing I say can help. She said how she sometimes regrets telling me about her family problem and that talking about it doesn't relief her but it puts a burden on her.

dont try to put out every fire. theres probably not anything you can say or do to help with her family, really, sometimes the people we love have lousy situations that we dont have any power over. what makes people feel supported is when we listen with empathy, not try to solve their problems for them.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

remember this bit in particular:

Excerpt
Empathy Skills
Set Aside Personal Beliefs, Concerns and Agenda - Just for now, at least. Go into the conversation empty handed—with no personal expectations or goal of fixing anyone. Be willing to have your mind and perspective changed. Your only agenda is listening and trying to understand the other’s point of view.

And she asked me what are we. I replied saying We are bestfriends and lovers but we are just taking a break.

is this where you want the status of the relationship to be?

When I asked what is the most thing she wants to do but couldn't do because she was in a relationship with me. Or feels I am suffocating her with. She told me her relationship with boys which is a really sensitive subject for me as it upsets me GREATLY.

do you object to her having male friends?

She also postponed  today's plans. Also when she is upset or have family problems she says that there is nothing wrong. Which I know is not true. And she doesn't even want to talk to me at that time.

dont push her. those may be times where it is best to give space.
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« Reply #29 on: February 13, 2018, 10:54:48 PM »

Once removed,

I will try more on validation but I don't want her to think I am fake and push her off.

I want us back together. I didn't know what to reply with so that is what I said.

I know this might be werid in your culture but in mine having male friends is not really okay. Specially if You are in a relationship with one you shouldn't have any. But never mind culture and this stuff I don't care about it anyway.I just hate her having male friends and showing affection for them.we broke up because of this before and I had to be the one to compromise and let her have her two male friends. I just hate it. Like I really really hate it. You can call me over jealous or whatever.

I don't really know what I am doing now or what my next move is. So what Am I supposed to do now?
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