Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 08:47:15 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Need some help and advise with a BPD friend  (Read 526 times)
MyBPD_friend
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 142


« on: February 12, 2018, 02:55:02 AM »

I've made an introduction but didn't receive any answer, I believe my post was really too long, I'll try another introduction now in the hope to get some advise and help, that's was this forum is for.

This is not about a romantic relationship, but this 'friendship' is loaded with emotions from both sides. We live 180 miles apart from each other.

Last April 2017, I met a younger woman (33). She watched me for some time and I started talking with her. We spent about 8 hours that night and she showed admiration  and some kind of love to me, touching me, giving little kisses and holding my hands. She didn't want me to leave and I ended up staying in the guest room, before she had cryed and stop me from leaving.
I realized quickly, that something is wrong with her, I never met a NPD or BPD befote and didn't know a thing about it. Her behaviour that night was extremely unusual and pretty out of norm, she also kissed another man for a very long time intensively.

Within the next three weeks, there were text messages showing love, understanding and so on, and there also repeatedly a strange unstable behaviour in communication with me.
I started feeling manipulated, abused and felt, that she was like poisen to me.

Five days prior to our second meeting, she suggested a dinner to talk about our new friendship and we set a date by phone. I wanted to change the timing and she didn't respond and started ST. Then an hour prior to the date she left a voice mail with a very nervous and confused voice, wanting to cancel the dinner date, while I was not far away.
I met her anyway and we've spent another fun night out together (no intimacy). On the way home, she briefly said that she had personality disorders and identity problems without explaining any of that and without asking details from my side.
The past weeks, I had written a long letter to her that I gave her when I left. I talked about my feeling and her behaviour and my confusion.

After a few SMS from both sides she said she had difficulties being around me and that it was not my fault. Later she said 'leave me alone'. I respected that and didn't contact her again (May 2017).

In November 2017, I was back in a bar in her town when one of her girlfriends saw me. Her gf then texted my friend that I was there. She got ready late at night and came to see me at the bar, when I had left a few minutes ago, My friend then texted me saying this:

"Hi, come back. my friend told me you were here, please come back"
I replied: "I'm not coming back, I still remember very well what you said to me, you can meet me tomorrow, when I'm back here".
She said: "My friends don't want to go to where you are. Think of me and enjoy the night

10 days later, when back home, I talked to her on the phone and it was a good talk with no personality issues talked about. I told her that I wanted to make 'peace' with her.  She said, that she had a very difficult time during the year, fighting with herself, and times were very difficult atm.

I send a few SMS until Christmas 2017, ensuring her my friendship and that I would be back in her city by late January. She never resonded to my text messages and did the silent treatment, perhaps it was meant as a NC - I don't know.

However, by the end of January 2018, we met by accident again, now three weeks ago. I ran into her at a club, where she normally doesn't go on a Saturday.
Her friend must have told her that I was there. While I was looking at my phone, she put herself in front of me and started looking at me intensly. I couldn't have not seen her... .
I don't have any idea for how long she looked at me before I saw her. When I saw her, I needed to look twice to realize that it was her, she was really almost staring into my heart trough my eyes. She has the most intense eyes I've ever seen.
That look lasted for minutes without any word spoken - very strange experiences. Then she came to my table, saying that this is a big surprise to see me. I said it was not a surprise as her gf told her that I was there, she admitted that.
We continued looking at each other for minutes without a word  - three times within 20 minutes, she got me a drink and it continued, she went to her friends for a few minutes and returned to my table to continue looking at me.

After more minutes, she said she had to say goodbye to her friends and left for the other table nearby.

I didn't want to talk to her as I was very angry about the ST. I left and had a smoke. When I got to the exit to wait in line for my coat, I saw her in a mirror at the wardrobe ahead of me and then leaving the club.

That was a strange experience and I still don't know what to think, what did she want, I don't understand.

Back home, I wrote another letter to her and sent it by mail.

Now, this coming weekend I will visit her city again on business.

Some background information:
We both had a difficult childhood. I had a terrible fire accident at age 10 with many sugeries involved and a lot of fear of loss, fear of abandonment, fear of a lack of love, fear of being not accepted and rejected. I was healed later at age 27/28.
I discovered, that she has brought up my forgotten fear back into my life.

She was a refuge of the 'Balkan war' in Ex Yugoslavia/Croatia. She didn't say anything about what happened to her as a child. Her parants saved her by sending her to the Netherlands, where she met her bf who she's living with since 1999, she had an abortion at age 17 and a miscarrigae at age 31 in 2015. I know from her that other terrible thingshappened, biut not what is was.

My question:
What should I do when I see her?
Should I tell her that I'll be in town again?
Should I go really NC?

I would like to sent her the following SMS on Saturday when I come to her city:

"Hi... ., I will be in town again today. Saturday 17th, my business takes me to the Netherlands. It was totally unexpected to see you, I think we were both overwhelmed with the situation, I just could not talk to you appropiately last time. I do appreciate that you've tried though, you were more open than me - I'm very sorry. I can do better. I can call you if you accept."

Any recommendation, advise, help?

I don't know what to do. Needless to say that I really like her a lot, but I do not intend a romantic relationship.



Logged
PeteWitsend
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 854


« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2018, 10:08:08 AM »

welcome, and don't worry about the long posts... .we all have a lot to get off our chests here!

If I were you, I would handle seeing her again by being polite but dismissive, and be prepared to leave if she escalates her behavior past "uncomfortable staring" to something more difficult to ignore.  I don't think you owe her any texts or explanations, and it's likely anything you send her will be misinterpreted and come back to you in a negative way, whatever your intent.

it sounds like youre fortunate on one hand that you live in another city, although on the other hand, you're regularly in her town and frequenting the same scene.  maybe take a little break from the latter if you could?

regardless of your approach, if/when you see her again I would expect an unusual (if not outright troubling or bizarre)response from her.  be prepared for anything, but surprised by nothing.

I would read more about BPD so you know what you're dealing with; there are books and articles posted around this site that can be helpful.

fortunately for you, you saw these red flags and came to the right place!
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #2 on: February 12, 2018, 05:18:05 PM »

Hi MyBPD_friend,

Welcome

I agree with PetesWitsend that you could set a boundary that you’re not to go to any bars in that part of town when you’re in town? That’s if you want out distance between you and her.

We can’t tell you what to do I hear conflict that’s ok. You sound like an open minded guy if you didn’t stop seeing her after she mentioned a PD and you’re here looking for answers, you even created a second thread. You’re putting effort into it.

I also agree with reading as much about the disorder as you can. It will do a couple of things and I think that you might be scared of getting involved because you’re not familiar with BPD. Reading about BOD will normalize the disorder , my advice stay away from junk psych and it will also help you with depersonalizing the behaviours. There is a reason why she acts the way that she does.

I didn’t hear you mention therapy, is she in therapy for BPD?
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
MyBPD_friend
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 142


« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2018, 11:58:01 PM »


regardless of your approach, if/when you see her again I would expect an unusual (if not outright troubling or bizarre)response from her.  be prepared for anything, but surprised by nothing.

I would read more about BPD so you know what you're dealing with; there are books and articles posted around this site that can be helpful.

fortunately for you, you saw these red flags and came to the right place!

Thanks a lot Pete, good to hear from you.
I agree to be prepared for anything and not be surprised by nothing. That really sounds like her.

I've read tons of material on this forum and elsewhere to become familiar with BPD and other PD, I've also watched many videos about it. Last May, a psychiatrist mentioned to me that my story sounds as she has Cluster B PD, so that got me started.
My problem, let's say better my approach and wish is to find answers to my questions in general. It's hard for me to have a problem/conflict unsolved. I am aware though, that dealing with PBD means not to get any answers.

Yes the red flags were visible in the first 15 minutes when we met. Until later, after reading, I didn't even know about 'red flags' or 'love bombing'.

I'm just a little worried to lose some of my open minded character, becoming too cirtical and careful with new people in my life.
I still want to go into new RS as unloaded as possible.

I also agree with you on the subject of going to places where I could actually see her again.
There are two hearts in my chest, one wants to see her again, the other wants to avoid seing her again - does that make sense?
Logged
MyBPD_friend
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 142


« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2018, 01:51:27 AM »

Hi MyBPD_friend,

Welcome

I agree with PetesWitsend that you could set a boundary that you’re not to go to any bars in that part of town when you’re in town? That’s if you want out distance between you and her.

We can’t tell you what to do I hear conflict that’s ok. You sound like an open minded guy if you didn’t stop seeing her after she mentioned a PD and you’re here looking for answers, you even created a second thread. You’re putting effort into it.

I also agree with reading as much about the disorder as you can. It will do a couple of things and I think that you might be scared of getting involved because you’re not familiar with BPD. Reading about BOD will normalize the disorder , my advice stay away from junk psych and it will also help you with depersonalizing the behaviours. There is a reason why she acts the way that she does.

I didn’t hear you mention therapy, is she in therapy for BPD?


Thank you very much Matt.

I don't have any idea if she is in therapy, but I highly doubt. The only thing she told me was, that she was in a trauma treatment, when she came out of the war in Croatia to the Netherlands, she was a teenager back then.

Now, after having read for months, I'm pretty familiar with BPD, NPD behaviour, and some of the causes to develop BPD. She really can't open up herself, I think she is afraid and perhaps ashamed. My suspicion is, that she might have been raped prior to coming to the Netherlands on her own, leaving behind the family. She might also have lost family in the war in Serbia/Croatia.

If in fact I see her again, I will try not to get involved in anything emotional.
When she texted me in November out of the blue, I had deleted her phone number and didn't know who it was for a minute.
I replied "Who is this".

The answer was a BPD typical response, a manipulating short sentence:
She:" Who do you want it to be?"

Reading here and reading other text on the web, including watching videos, it really helped me a lot.
I think I've been able to put some good distance between her and me. I wouldn't have a big problem by just ignoring her whever I'll see her again. On the other hand, I'm not kind of person to be cold and repellent to other people.

If you didn't read my original long long introduction, the first time we met in April 2017, she started crying in my car for 15 minutes after I drove her back home . She wouldn't stop crying until I finally agreed to stay in the guest room overnight - big big mistake, I know. She didn't want me to leave. It was only my own fault, that I didn't just go and left my phone number with her.
Manipulating and controlling people by strange uncommon behaviour was totally new to me.
I could have avoided all of this emotional rollercoaster, if I had listened to my first impression of her and her behaviour.

I think, there is a special conncetion between us, one is because of the spontanious idealization, second is, that we share some difficult trauma expetrience when we were young.
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #5 on: February 13, 2018, 07:24:58 AM »

I wouldn’t judge you either way you can be her then change your mind or not be with her. The distance is not about being cold to someone although I can see how it be construed as rude it’s about self protection.

You could look at this as a life lesson next time trust your gut and you could look at your childhood traumas and why you felt drawn to a pwBPD it’s an opportunity to resolve old emotional wounds. That’s part of the gift of the borderline.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
MyBPD_friend
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 142


« Reply #6 on: February 15, 2018, 02:38:35 AM »

I wouldn’t judge you either way you can be her then change your mind or not be with her. The distance is not about being cold to someone although I can see how it be construed as rude it’s about self protection.

You could look at this as a life lesson next time trust your gut and you could look at your childhood traumas and why you felt drawn to a pwBPD it’s an opportunity to resolve old emotional wounds. That’s part of the gift of the borderline.


Hi Mutt, Yes I look at it as a life lesson, for sure. My friend or not friend has triggered old wounds. I've worked on myself a lot many years ago and I'm doing fine. She touched me on an emotional level that no other person has done before. We do share some simular or even identical fears, however she developped BPD and I didn't.

I know it's my deciscion to put myself out there to risk seing her, she knows that. That's perhap the reason she wanted to see me.

There is something I don't understand, she painted me black, devaluated me months ago. However she went back to see me white again. It is very difficult to handle these things.
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #7 on: February 15, 2018, 07:26:56 AM »

I know what it feels like on the receiving end of splitting when you don’t know what’s going on your pwBPD could be hostile for perceived rejection you’re confused at the behaviours because it’s way out of proportion for the situation then there’s an overlap that comes unexpectedly just as much as the hostility she’s putting you on a pedestal and idealizing you. You feel resentment towards her because she didn’t apologize for the previous attacks that triggers another devaluation cycle.

A pwBPD are fragile and a defense mechanism kicks in when a pwBPD feels and anxious or stressed. Your friend can’t see you as an integrated whole that holds both good and bad qualities at the same time she sees one whole at any given period you’re either all good or all bad and a pwBPD shift between these two polar extremes. It’s not personal to you learn to depersonalize the behaviours she can’t control splitting just as you can’t control it. A pwBPD split people the people that they care most about.

From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Insom
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 680



« Reply #8 on: February 15, 2018, 11:11:56 AM »

Hi, MyBPD_friend!

It sounds like you feel drawn to this friend and also a little wary/repelled. I remember feeling similarly about my BPD-ex.  I knew there was something very wrong about the relationship early on, but it had an addictive quality that kept me engaged.  It was difficult to disengage. 

Excerpt
I don't know what to do. Needless to say that I really like her a lot, but I do not intend a romantic relationship.

It sounds like you're feeling confused.  Like you want to stay connected and protect yourself at the same time?  Can you say more about what draws you in?  What you see her fulfilling for you?  What do you need to protect against?
Logged

MyBPD_friend
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 142


« Reply #9 on: February 16, 2018, 09:05:41 AM »

Hi, MyBPD_friend!

It sounds like you feel drawn to this friend and also a little wary/repelled. I remember feeling similarly about my BPD-ex.  I knew there was something very wrong about the relationship early on, but it had an addictive quality that kept me engaged.  It was difficult to disengage. 

It sounds like you're feeling confused.  Like you want to stay connected and protect yourself at the same time?  Can you say more about what draws you in?  What you see her fulfilling for you?  What do you need to protect against?

Thanks, I  think you're right about my confusion. I 'm  working on myself and found this through someone here. That really opens up what I suspected.
It's this text: www.dailystrength.org

What this woman could give me? I don't know, but I believe I need to work on my early childhood trauma. I 'm the lonely and understanding child in the text.
I will travel the weekend and come back next week.


Logged
Red5
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 1661


« Reply #10 on: February 16, 2018, 10:43:48 AM »

Yes the red flags were visible in the first 15 minutes when we met. Until later, after reading, I didn't even know about 'red flags' or 'love bombing'.

I'm just a little worried to lose some of my open minded character, becoming too cirtical and careful with new people in my life.

I still want to go into new RS as unloaded as possible.


Hello MyBPD_friend and good morning!... .I can concur with you too, .looking back now, I can see them ALL clearly  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) .

Oh yes, if we'd only known... .

Like investigating the scene of a mishap; a crash, with the area grid squared off, and all these little red flags stuck into the soil everywhere... .here is a clue you missed, and here another... and another and another... .

I know this whole experience has changed me... .I certainly think about things much differently, and I thought my first wife taught me a thing or two... .and that first an only GF I had after the first marriage and my current marriage to u/BPDw, ., that GF used to tell me (she was something else, used to tell me she was crazy , and that she was married to a narcissistic #%$@ for twenty years), ."oh baby cakes, your just getting started, I am WAY ahead of you sweetie"... ."why you're just a baby out here, you might get eaten up!" ~ she would tell me... .then she moved on as hurriedly, and stormily as she had arrived "whoosh!"

Then I met "the one", she was so perfect!... .a long story, maybe later.

Now I am so guarded, and I listen so carefully, to everything I hear people say... .it was only about fifteen months ago that I started to study BPD, npd, and others (etc"... .I hadn't a clue !

Nope, I am afraid that I too am also "loaded" now, and my "self protect mode" will never power down now.

I should thread about the morning I had... .maybe later, still "reeling".

Sending positive karma your way MyBPD_friend !

Safe travels !

Red5

Logged

“We are so used to our own history, we do not see it as remarkable or out of the ordinary, whereas others might see it as horrendous. Further, we tend to minimize that which we feel shameful about.” {Quote} Patrick J. Carnes / author,
MyBPD_friend
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 142


« Reply #11 on: February 19, 2018, 05:49:28 AM »

Hi, MyBPD_friend!
It sounds like you're feeling confused.  Like you want to stay connected and protect yourself at the same time?  Can you say more about what draws you in?  What you see her fulfilling for you?  What do you need to protect against?

Hi again.
I was on a business trip last Saturday going to Holland. I've send my BPD friend a short SMS that I'm going to her city as well and that we were both overwhelmed with the unextepted 'eye to eye' contact three weeks ago when we didn't talk at all. I offered to meet her and told her that I couldn't talk to her.
She called a a few minutes later, telling me that she received my long letter and that she wants to respond later, which would be difficult for her... .
This week she's on a visit of her younger sister in Austria who had just born a baby. My friend seemed to be very happy seing the baby and her younger sister. She told me also something new. She had to take care of her sister from day one when she was born, my friend was only 6 years old back then. Her sister almost feels like her daughter to her. They were seperated in thr Bosnien war back in 1992, when my friend was brought to safety in Holland, escaping during the Balkan war. I didn't know that she was abandonned from her family that early on, I thought that was at age 15, but she was only 8 years old back then.

However, we had a good talk, just normal stuff. When I asked her how she was doiung, it seemed like she wanted to end the phone call quickly. My friend wants to stay in good contact, I might see her by the end of March.

Quote:
Can you say more about what draws you in?  What you see her fulfilling for you?  What do you need to protect against?

Our simular experiences as a young child has drawn us to each other I believe. She awaikened my long forgotten childhood traumas (fire accident, loneliness, life fears etc.). She helps me understand myself better to work on my forgotten trauma. That is very difficult to handle, but it helps me understand myself better, and it's fun to be with her and around her as close friends. She ssems to be able to reflect things, at least sometimes when she's doing better.

Protection?
Well, I need to find an emotional balance with her, we both like each other a lot, we both remind us of our childhood traumas. I need to protect myself against receiving high emotions and giving high emotions. She has very good characteristics and is very intelligent. It feels like an unusual and never experienced bond to each other, with no meaning of romantic relationship.

Now, as of today. I dont really see the need of protection too much anymore. I know my position in the RS, but I still need to the right balance.

I'll what's happening and if she indeed will respond to my long letter, I suspect she might not be able to do that.
But I also see, that she carefully and slowly gives more information which she's been hiding from early on.

She really wants a baby since years and had an abortion at 17 and a miscarriage at 30/31. I would like to convince her to seek therapie, if she doesn't have any yet, that would be necessary for her, even more if she really would have to take care of a baby and raise her child in a healthy environment.
At this point I don't know where there will go and if things might get too difficult and too complicated.
I believe that there is no one around her that would keep up as long as I do, except her long time boyfriend, but that relationship is still a mystery to me.
I definetly could not be in such an unstable relationship.


Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!