Text Bombed

[Red5]

What a day  _

What was it about this time, I fell asleep on the couch last night, and why did I do that, well I got no sleep the previous evening due to our beloved family senior dog having surgery, then he started having seizures all night, every three hours, vet called it “clusters”… and I had stayed up with him the all the night before holding him in my arms (tears),

So after a couple of hefty mason jars of wine cut with ginger ail last evening after we got puppy dog back form vet again, and S31ss (special needs) settled, I was out cold… and that made u/BPDw very angry the next morning, and we had cross words in the morning prior to me leaving for work,

I could feel it, I knew it, my gut was warning me, damn, I am getting pretty good at predicting her moods… so easy to spot now as it comes online,

So off I went, after much cross talk (cross & angry) this morning in the kitchen, barbs and parting shots galore... .which is a fav tactic of u/BPDw, ie’ send husband out the door with some BPD whiplash… HAVE A NICE DAY !... .ugh

There is more to tell, maybe later,

So after I left, and took S31ss to his day program, due to her anger issues as she has been taking him lately (new program)… then she started text bombing me AT WORK, which has not happened in quite  a while, but thought I would share for cross analyzation as it were… so here goes,

u/BPDw  - Will you answer the damn phone?

Red5 - So... .here we are again, once again proving that we are completely incomparable together. It does get old does it not. I am very tired, and I would like some peace, and as well some quiet in my life, seeing as how I am most likely in the last third quarter of my life. I do not wish to continue this any longer, do what you feel you must, but as of now, I would like for you to leave me and my son who still lives with me alone.

u/BPDw  - Do not put S31ss in the middle of this again and accept some responsibility for your own actions. You like to deflect to put your behavior off on others or say that they are the "reason" rather than admit that yes you should not have done that. No wonder you have trouble living in the perfect world of Red5 where nothing ever gets completed.

Red5 - I concur with the above text that you wrote in regards to my mental psyche and I defer to the previous text I wrote, that said; and please, no more explaining, blaming, or talk of "responsibility", I ask that you now withdraw,  and I wish to be left alone, and as well my son,  please go about your daily business, whatever that may be, but please do not any longer include me or our son in it. It is crystal clear that this relationship is not working, and is approaching the point of no longer being sustainable for me. Please leave me alone, we will make whatever arrangement we need to make, but I no longer wish to continue in this direction of negativity as it is not emotionally or else physically healthy for either of us.

u/BPDw  - I concur. I will start looking at rentals in AL

u/BPDw  - No damn it! I do not concur. You have put me through the ringer for the last ten years and always tried to make me the bad guy where the kids were concerned. Well they are my kids now too and I am not letting you pull this bull___ again. I will pick up my son this afternoon at two. I should not have let you take him this morning. You always try to isolate me this way and put him with you in every argument. Well not this time. He is not something you can toss back in forth. It's no wonder he feels he can treat me any way he wants to. He father shows him that every time he gets mad. I have a right to get upset when you stay up and then complain that you don't get any sleep and it doesn't have anything to do with S31ss so stop trying to bring him into it. You like playing the "long suffering" and perfect father and husband. Well, I know better. I do love you and you are very hard to live with especially when we argue. But I'm not allowing you to put that wedge between me and S31ss again! You will have to deal with me and stop hiding behind S31ss autism.

Red5 - You WILL be kind and courteous to S31ss, I will NOT tolerate your endless diatribe towards him, if you need help in this area, in order to understand him better, then perhaps a counselor or therapist's help is now needed.

u/BPDw  - I have been kind to S31ss. I have also tried to teach him how it feels when he is mean to others and not allow him to do whatever he wants. I understand him fine. I just try to help him learn rather than just let him do whatever he wants whenever he wants. You can say anything you want to Dr Phil.

Red5 - Remove the pressure points, remove the deadlines, remove the angst... .lighten up, take care of yourself, give up some control.

u/BPDw  - I have no deadlines anymore. My living room has needed caulking and painting since last August... .my bedroom has needed caulking and painting for years... .every weekend I hear about how you need to spend time organizing the shed, yet it looks worse and nothing ever gets taken care of... .You are trying to make this about S31ss and add him in the middle. It was your behavior that made me mad this morning. This is another case of chaff and flare that you do in every argument. You try to redirect into something  that I am doing wrong with S31ss. You deliberately put him in the middle this morning and then speak to him like I am mad for no reason again . It is you that is confusing your own son. I am trying to get him to stop wiping his snot on hand towels. AND get a fight with you over it too because you do the same thing!

u/BPDw  - I am not being mean by trying to teach him good sanitary practices.

Red5 - I will; in the future let you know straight away when I think you are being cross to him, I will be that filter. As far as me, I am broken, end of story.

u/BPDw - Are you leaving now to pick him up? Or are you allowing me to do it since I am the one in control all the time? Such a load of crap! You even rushed in the bedroom when I tried to wake him up to tell me what to do. Your the one that has control issues Mr Filter.

Red5 - I will pick him up, and we are going to have a talk tonight, & things are going to change.

u/BPDw  - Yep. I have heard that before. What you mean is that you are going to do status quo and threaten me because I have the nerve to not like it and get mad.

Red5 - This is a circular argument and not productive in any way.

And I set phone on vibrate, and shoved it into my desk drawer…

This evening has been tenuous, took care of S31ss and the old puppy dog, no talk, just a few more cross words… I am so frigging tired of this : (

Red5

[formflier]

Hey Red,

I didn't want this thread to hang out without any replies.

I think many people passing by can look at this and understand the frustration to watch someone "switch" right in front of them (the concur and not concur thing).

Also, I hope you and others would see that there is some communicating here... but there is also some "slugfest" going on.

As in... .we say some things and thing point howitzers at each other at point blank range and trade shots.

ugggg... .carnage.

There is also some control tactics from both sides.  You are trying to control her behavior with son and she is trying to control your tool shed and painting projects or something like that.

I suspect if both of you were being honest, those are "symbols" for some deep resentments.  Correct?

Now that this text conversation is a few days behind you... .how would you have done this differently?

Thoughts?

FF

[Red5]

Thank you formflier, yeah the battle of Jutland... .lots of damage and no body wins.

Yes UR correct, very deep resentment on both sides, been a long war.

What should Inhave done different?

I should have ignored her first jab that morning, as I knew she was in a mood right when she showed up in the kitchen that morning... .should have just got me and the boy outa there... .but I could not let it go, so I gave her a chit to letter rip tater chip!

And boy did she... .

I am tired Brother, very tired... .

I am like an old fighter jet way beyond life cycle hours, worn out airframe, with way too many temporary and shady maintenance... .it’s not going to get any better, so many limitations and “caveats” to even keep things on a seemingly level keel... .I seem to remember more bad times than good,

Red5

[formflier]

Did you box in the service?  I did... .a little bit.  No claim that I was any good.

As long as you keep your gloves up, the jabs really don't matter.  I get it, she shouldn't be jabbing.

Conserve energy, keep gloves up (boundaries) and if you are tired... don't through punches.  You don't have the energy to knock her out.

Analogy work?

FF

[wolfgirl]

Do you find yourself drinking to avoid the drama?   I think that's my issue here.   He's accusing me of being an alcoholic & crazy, but the raging & control is affecting my life.  I feel trapped & anxious all the time

[Red5]

formflier & Cat;

Yes to both,

We used to beat the tar outa each other in the squadron. after all that’s what Marines do : )

We were all just having a good time though, ha ha ha

When you reach the end of your endurance you hold up your fists and protect your face, your gut, and your sack ; )

Drink , yes, .I got some Black Feet Indian in me, and I call it my “inner Indian” ha ha ha

Nothin crazy as Inhave up the hard grog years ago, now it wine in a mason jar with some lemon in it and cut with ginger ale...

So word is around the squadron tonight, u/BPDw wants to move out and go to Alabama and start over... .she will live with her daughter and daughters brand  new husband #3... .

Hmmmm... .and we will stay married until she can get her career going again and get medical ins.

Of NOTAMS... .this exactly what my gut told me the other night,

Red5

[formflier]

Red,

I would not ask for clarification.  We all know it could last a week or 100 years. 

Would a break be nice?

You need some extended time in your corner to get your wits about you.  Let's assume she moves and decides to stay married to get insurance.  Will that cost you money?  Probably shouldn't have asked... .

Let her do what she does.  However you get a break... take advantage.  Enjoy the solitude... recharge.

"Wind the clock" for a while and after a few months start doing some thinking.

Thoughts?

FF

[Red5]

Red,

I would not ask for clarification.  We all know it could last a week or 100 years. 

Would a break be nice?

You need some extended time in your corner to get your wits about you.  Let's assume she moves and decides to stay married to get insurance.  Will that cost you money?  Probably shouldn't have asked... .

Let her do what she does.  However you get a break... take advantage.  Enjoy the solitude... recharge.

"Wind the clock" for a while and after a few months start doing some thinking.

Thoughts?

FF

Attempted recycle, and then blame game rage... .then more recycle attempt, “tell me you don’t love me”!... .

I stayed quiet but then I said, I am very confused right now, Alabama sounds nice for you as your heart has always been there, I do care about you, but my love is dying, too much has happened; eleven years of constant fighting has taken its toll.

Then more blame and rage... .Intook it all in.

We have good medical as I am retired... .and I certainly don’t mind helping her out in order to get her to a happy and secured life out of here.

DidnI mention that her FOO mum just remarried the other day, mum called and they talked for about five minutes and then mum hung up on u/BPDw, so lot more than is on the surface.

She remarked tonight: “Inshould have gone back to Alabama after daddy died”... .

It’s been a crazy night, .I think; that all the “do you really love me” stuff is projection.

And yes, a “break” would be awesome... .I wind my ships clock every Sunday.

Red5

[Notwendy]

Hey Red, it seems nothing is resolved easily by texting, and both of you are texting heated discussions back and forth. What do you think about  a "no heated texts" boundary? You would need to discuss this with her first, so she knows the rules and doesn't think you are stonewalling her texts, but once set, a reminder reply " Hi honey, remember I don't want to have discussions like this by text- when can we speak?" might eventually change this pattern.

A heated reply is likely, then the response is shorter- " I can talk about this later but not by text" followed by no replies could lead to extinction of the behavior.

[Red5]

Hey Red, it seems nothing is resolved easily by texting, .

I concur Notwendy !

That's really the very first time she ever took it to that extreme, so that is an indicator of how P-O'ed she is (was) at me that morning... .& still is ; (

Got another ration of it this morning verbally in the kitchen as S31sn and I were exiting stage left... .for work and school,

I have to be honest, I "almost" tried to initiate a recycle very early this morning, we still try to hang on don't we (FOG)... .but I held myself off, as I MADE myself remember what "it" feels like as I am in the que, being verbally devalued, and emotional trashed by her... .you see we kinda had a tender moment together with the old puppy dog very early this AM out in the back yard before the sun was even up, as he is requiring a lot of care and physical help post surgery... .but "it" quickly turned again as the morning progressed, .some more raging, and blaming... .so I whipped out my tool box, and "channeled" formflier, .and I asked her to stop, and that if it was such an important topic to her, that we should set aside some time to talk later, .she pretty much told me to "f"-off... .so I dropped the thought, and the tool back into the preverbal tool box... .sorry formflier, I "boltered"... .as Cat said on another post, "eleven years is a long time, what you see is what you get".

I have on old "op-plan", where I move lock stock and barrel into the spare bedroom, impose emotional sanctions, and withdraw from the relationship as much as is feasible;... .and thus move completely out of the marriage bedroom AND master bath, and share the other head with my S31sn.

I have started to initiate this plan many times over the years now as my frustration, anger and despondency would build up... .but we always recycled, even before I knew anything about BPD.

The "old"... .push~pull... .why just this morning she told me that she indeed "hated" me... .so predictable now,

You see... .this has been going on for the entire relationship/marriage.

But this time is very different for me, as I posted the other night in other posts, "straw" &, and "things feel diff now"

No, no more text bombing allowed, .nope !

She has said quite a lot of pretty crazy stuff over the last twenty four hours, and I need to think back on all of it, and try and pick out what was real, projected, and just blather... .and file it away in my dusty old brain housing group.

The more I do NOT understand her behaviors, and destructive powers... .then the more I DO come to understand more and more, crazy stuff ; (

Red5

[formflier]

Before your rig the barricade... .(I'll let you explain it)... .I want you to make another pass.  FF will be on the pickle and will talk you down.  As always... .be ready for max power and wave off.  And remember, don't yank the nose up on the wave off... .you don't want an in flight engagement.

https://youtu.be/5-1YkuioJPw

Yeah... they said wave off, you can kinda see him raise or keep the nose up... .thereby keeping the hook down and snagging the wire.  This was mild.

Oh... .and it's an inflight engagement when they want you to go away... .when they want you to land (and when you want to land), it's called "going fishing"... .nose up... .drop the hook more and hope something catches... .

Oh yeah... back to BPD... .

Ok Red... .you are low on gas, one more pass and the barricade is coming up...

https://youtu.be/5-1YkuioJPw     (scoot up to the 1 min mark if in a hurry)

Here's what you do.

Approach her when here flamethrower is not on.

"Hey... .it's important to me that we have respectful communication.  We have much to solve, yet I won't be part of arguments anymore.  Our family is too important to me.  Do you want to set meeting times to discuss important matters?"

Then... it's important that YOU DON'T ENGAGE. 

Don't text her back, don't argue back.  At most let her know you are taking a break and will check back later.

FF

[Red5]

Before your rig the barricade... .(I'll let you explain it)... .I want you to make another pass.  FF will be on the pickle and will talk you down.  As always... .be ready for max power and wave off.  And remember, don't yank the nose up on the wave off... .you don't want an in flight engagement.

https://youtu.be/5-1YkuioJPw

Yeah... they said wave off, you can kinda see him raise or keep the nose up... .thereby keeping the hook down and snagging the wire.  This was mild.

Oh... .and it's an inflight engagement when they want you to go away... .when they want you to land (and when you want to land), it's called "going fishing"... .nose up... .drop the hook more and hope something catches... .

Oh yeah... back to BPD... .

Ok Red... .you are low on gas, one more pass and the barricade is coming up...

https://youtu.be/5-1YkuioJPw     (scoot up to the 1 min mark if in a hurry)

Here's what you do.

Approach her when here flamethrower is not on.

"Hey... .it's important to me that we have respectful communication.  We have much to solve, yet I won't be part of arguments anymore.  Our family is too important to me.  Do you want to set meeting times to discuss important matters?"

Then... it's important that YOU DON'T ENGAGE. 

Don't text her back, don't argue back.  At most let her know you are taking a break and will check back later.

FF

Thanks formflier !

You always got the good (knee board checklist) info !

I hear and understand what you are telling me to do, I have been ignoring her txts so far today, whilst here at work.

Sometimes, when she gets really riled up, that I don't answer the cell, she'll call me on my work land line... .but that only happens once in a while.

I do miss her working, as she resigned months ago, her career position kept her very busy, and focused on other targets of opportunity, and NOT me. 

Ok, I am setting up, .like "Beer Barrel" bringing in Lieutenant Brubaker, .one more pass, and then I BINGO to the beach !

Which means if I am unsuccessful at communicating with her this time, then I will trade in my leather couch for the quest bedroom, after I "remodel it" to my own liking.

Understand that once I make my pass at attempted negotiable communication, to NOT get drawn into another argument with her... .

BINGO means outa fuel (energy), and the next stop is the gas pump (wine bottle) or we run out of gas and crash ; (

Red5

[formflier]

Rather than completely ignoring her texts, perhaps better to say

"I'm at work,  can we talk about this after I get home?"

blah blah blah

"Stop texting me at work, will be available this evening"

then ignore.

Stay big picture with me.

When you communicate with her, you want consistent action to follow.

I'm not going to argue, she consistently backs you into corners and won't let you have peace in your room, it's time for you to act.

"Babe... .we have to get good rest for our health, one of us must move out of our room.  How do we solve this?"

On the off chance she wants to bolt.


New info:  What's up with her resigning?  How will she support herself without a job?

FF

[Red5]

New info:  What's up with her resigning?  How will she support herself without a job?

FF

Its pretty much a done deal, no recycle, which is my choice right now, .you see, I've got a head full of "ptsd" memories of ALL the past things said, and done... .really I just want to be away from her for a while, and I did also participate before I got smart on "why"... .so she has a "goat locker" full too of things I've said, and as well done in the absolute heat of the moment.

Its the subtle things that really get me, that I can remember, .how many times has she said this, or that, with the intent to hurt, .no to KILL the marriage,

Anyways, I am SURE she will be in my visor as soon as I come in through the hangar deck door this evening, also I will be remembering, and  well try my best to use what we have discussed here, and thank you shipmate !

Her resigning, this happened a few months back, as I have posted before, she has been diagnosed with renal cancer cancer, already has had one removed through surgery, and has been taking chemotherapy... .of course, Red5 is a caretaker, and I've tried my best to be by her side, although she fights me off more often that not.

The career was a good state job with the education system, but she pretty much got run off, due to "professional" disagreements (BPD bi-product I am sure) and other issues with her other female supervisors and leads... .

Not the first time this has happened in the last five or so years.
 
So, BLUF, she is completely dependent now on me... .and she is fighting me tooth and nail, remember the rescue swimmer analogy... .

There you have it, Red5 is in over his head right now... .

yeeesh !