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Author Topic: How to/should I get my ex-girlfriend back  (Read 732 times)
Wildboar

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« on: February 17, 2018, 05:38:52 AM »

Hello,

   First of all I should start by saying that I have absolutely no idea if I should be following a template of something like that, so I'm sorry for posting a probably quite disorganized thread... .

   Anyways I'm here to ask two major questions; Should I seek to reconcile with my former girlfriend with BPD? If so, how could I possibly to this?
   I'd like to note that she has never been diagnosed with BPD as the last time she's been at a psychologist was many years ago, where she was diagnosed as "Hyper-emotive". Judging from the experiences, a lot of research and observations, I am quite sure she has indeed at least some traits from BPD. Feel free to correct me, however, and tell me if anything in this post doesn't seem to correspond with BPD!

Background
   First and foremost, I'm only 18 and my ex-girlfriend 17. We're at our final year of high-school, so yeah, we're gosh-darn young and I'm probably pretty emotionally immature, even though I consider myself, after all I've been through, quite "wiser" than my peers.
Anyway, I met this very talented, amazing girl a year and a few months ago at a party. We got together very quickly after that, and the relationship started with a very intense attachment... .Quite out of the ordinary, to be honest, which I think now is a result of her Borderline personality. For seven incredible months, our love flourished and we spent every moment of our lives together, thinking the usual adolescence stuff like "Wonder what our future will be", etc. It seemed like nothing could stop us, we were united in something that I thought was impossible. I felt complete, as if she were everything I needed.
   This paradise had it's toll on me though... .One night, out of the blue, I imagined what it would be like to live separated from her when we'd have to study after high-school and because of her omnipresence in my life at the time, I felt sad. Upon talking to her about it, she seemed reassuring, telling me it'd be fine. This was during the last summer holidays, and as we couldn't meet much, the sudden rupture in our daily life hurt me a bit... .I felt sad at times, etc. I am quite an anxious person, and have previously dealt with social anxiety. I feel that right now I don't have a particular disorder, but I do have a tendency to overreact and feel quite anxious at times. This made things worse, and was the origin of this episode of our relationship.

   Anyway, this is, I believe, what triggered the onset of what people apparently call "Splitting". She seemed to idolize me for the first seven months of the relationship, and as I traversed this small stage of sadness, her vision must've changed... .After the holidays we had a long talk and I realized I was thinking very negatively and tried (and succeeded) at taking back my old, more positive mindset. However, the damage seemed to be done; We were having more frequent arguments due to some of her emotional outbreaks, while I, being ignorant to the situation, had no idea how to cope and lashed back at her. Things degraded quickly with the stress of school and her unstable family situation (Which we believe is the main cause of her disorder) not helping at all. She broke up once claiming that I wasn't attentive enough to her suffering but and we got back together one day later, with me swearing to do better. Around December our relationship had become very stressful for both of us, and even though I tried my best to change my behavior during her mood swings it just wasn't enough.
   At new years she broke it off, saying it was just too much, it was hurting us both. Desperate, I decided to look for sources online (And I hate myself for not doing it before, I believe I could've saved so much pain, time and our whole relationship had I done it before). I found many incredible sources on the internet, and learned a few tips; Communication and validation to regain her trust, showing courage and being reassuring during her emotional breakouts instead of giving in and lashing out, giving time for myself, etc.

The aftermath
   Days after pleading and claiming that I knew how to make our lives better after learning stuff online, she said she just couldn't do it, and that she needed space. I agreed to let go.
   However, a few days later she texted back saying how she missed me, etc. It was the beginning of a month and a half of reconstruction; We didn't get back together, but we met every week and a half or so. I tried to apply my techniques and it seemed to work. After a couple of weeks we started being closer again, and despite a few minor hiccups we were progressing into something that seemed to work. She claimed one night that she had good hopes, that she felt that she was regaining a bit of trust for me, and that being in my arms reassured her a lot.
   And then, like before, my negative emotions kicked in. The thing is, I realized that when her emotions are at stake I am able to focus on them, and let go of my emotions... .However, as soon as her emotions seem "under control" (Which is obviously not entirely ever true, but it seemed like it in the short term) I refocus on my emotions, which are sometimes negative. In other words, as she said she was feeling hopeful, my mood became much more depressive because the situation wasn't really that good for me; infrequent meetups, still quite little physical contact, etc. I was morally and sexually unsatisfied and I overreacted again... .
   Days after the last time we met, when I felt a sudden wave of sadness and sort of "shut down emotionally" and stopped talking to her, things spiraled back into pain for her... .She claimed that she felt lost and "empty", and that she couldn't continue this.

The situation now
   After this horrible situation, we continued to text for a few days and she ended up telling me that she "felt like her love for me was becoming less and less significant" and that she was "very afraid of losing me". She concluded that she couldn't see me anymore because it just didn't feel right (which totally makes sense). I was really puzzled and after a bit of insisting I realized that there wasn't anything I could do; I'd already done the damage (for which I felt really bad btw, because I caused pain to both of us and basically ruined everything).
   Refusing, though, to give up completely, I told her that I'd wait... .We'd stop talking and I'd wait, in case the feelings came back or something. It worked before, so why not now?. We stopped talking a few days ago, with her last words saying that she still loved me and that she was very sorry it had to go this way. As I've always done and will always continue doing, I promised her that it was O.K., that she'd done her best and that I appreciated her effort. I told her that I would always forgive her and that I felt guilty myself for what I'd done.

   It has therefore been a few days since then, and I miss her a lot. She hasn't sent anything, and seems quite happy to be honest from what I've seen around. As for me, I'm coping as best I can, trying to resist the will to send a message. I feel quite empty, sad and generally depressed, but I mean how could I not, it's a breakup!

My thoughts
   I've been thinking of her a lot lately, and here's what I hypothesize;
I think she has at least some traits of BPD, such as splitting, unstable relationships (Her past ones have been similar; idealization then devaluation), very impulsive behavior, mood swings and last but not least an intense fear of abandonment. From what she told me, she has learned a method to cope with this: She claims to know how to "shut down" her emotions, or lock them down in some sort. They later come out in forms of panic attacks in the evening. She said that this is to avoid public embarrassment when emotionally distressed, and I can totally understand what she means and does.
   What I believe is that the last time we met her subconscious mind sense a threat of losing me, which makes sense. I guess as she has always done, subconsciously, she eliminated the threat by locking down her feelings for me... .She didn't seem very affected by the separation, which leads me to believe that she barely even felt it.
   This makes sense to me, because she has already talked about her low self esteem and a very strong sense of remorse. She felt very bad about what she was doing to me, which she openly expressed (by saying sorry in almost every message). I guess all these combined led her to believe that she wasn't worth it at all, and when I showed my sadness it reactivated the "mechanism" that probably was meant to protect her; Shut down the emotions, break our emotional bond, and distance herself to avoid the rejection that for her seemed inevitable.


   The thing that makes me feel so bad is that that's not how it is. Her BPD is sure not easy, but I can live with it. I know, I know I screwed up and that I failed to deal with it many times. I know my emotions aren't perfectly stable and I feel quite weak sometimes. But it doesn't mean I don't want her, it doesn't mean she's too much... .It kills me to think that her fear of losing me is what ended up distancing her... .

   We did communicate quite a lot during the whole relationship, so I know what she feels. The problem is that she has never really understood her feelings either, so she would probably not be able to tell me if my thoughts are true or not.

Now what
   I think that her fears are mainly subconscious, and that consciously she knows that they are irrational. But I can't send a message to her inner brain like "Look, can you let her come back to me?" And I think that she has locked down her feeling so deep that they may be irrecoverable.
   I'd love to send her a message now, but I'm afraid it'll just make things worse for me... .I feel really sad right now, and I know for a fact that talking to her will basically return the initial suffering. Besides, right now I'm coping because deep down i have hope... .I have hope that she'll send a message, that we will be able to get back together, that everything will be back to how it was before.

   Congratulations if you made it this far! I'm so incredibly sorry for this enormous post, I admit that it offers some relief to write about my issues, which is probably why I've said so much >.<

  So yeah... .What exactly should I do?
Wait? If so, what can I do in the mean time to cope with the sadness of missing her?
Send her a message? If so, what kind of message?
Or should I give up?
(I know that this forum section is meant for "stay" situations, but I don't feel like I should be in the "Conficted" section because I know what I want; to get a second chance with her. I would however like to know if it is out of reach, if I'm wasting my time. If I'm thinking too unrealistically... .)

   Thanks in advance for the help, I guess that this kind of situation in high-school is pretty darn rare! But I feel lucky to have at least some friends who support me, and that there are such forums!
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mama-wolf
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« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2018, 06:59:36 AM »

Hi Wildboar,

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.  Getting through high school is difficult enough, and mixing in the ups and downs of a relationship like the one you described will definitely make things more complicated!

It sounds like you have spent a lot of time thinking about your gf and her emotions and mental state.  What wasn't come through as much was what you have focused inward on yourself.  It's hard really be there for someone else in a way that's healthy for both of you if you don't work on yourself first.

You said your "own emotions aren't perfectly stable" and you feel "weak" sometimes.  It also sounded like you were more engaged and focused in the relationship when she is in turmoil, but then once she is in a better place emotionally, you're more anxious and sad.  Have you had an opportunity to speak with a therapist or even a school counselor about these feelings?

I'm sure others on this board will have more insights to share than me.  This is a great forum for support, so I'm glad you have found it!

mw
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« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2018, 11:45:47 AM »

Hi Wildboar,

Welcome

I'd like to join mama-wolf and welcome you to the site. I agree with mama-wolf with focusing on your gf's needs and not on your own needs, you're not alone in that regards there plenty of people here including myself that have done the exact same thing getting so caught up in the other person that we start to lose our sense of self  Being cool (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
(And I hate myself for not doing it before, I believe I could've saved so much pain, time and our whole relationship had I done it before).

Excerpt
I'd already done the damage (for which I felt really bad btw, because I caused pain to both of us and basically ruined everything).

Excerpt
I know, I know I screwed up and that I failed to deal with it many times. I know my emotions aren't perfectly stable and I feel quite weak sometimes.

Don't be hard on yourself a r/s takes two people don't take the lion's share of the blame.

Excerpt
It kills me to think that her fear of losing me is what ended up distancing her... .

It's push behaviour it's self destructive behaviour in a r/s what she fears the most plays itself out because of how she copes with it by pushing people away.

Excerpt
So yeah... .What exactly should I do?
Wait? If so, what can I do in the mean time to cope with the sadness of missing her?
Send her a message? If so, what kind of message?
Or should I give up?

It's been a couple of days since you messaged her I'm sure that she is feeling anxiety as well you might want to send a short message to relieve that anxiety for the both of you. We can't tell you what to do if you're not done then messaging her now rather than later is probably better, you can always change your mind later or sort through your feelings until you come to a decision. Every r/s is different and it's not a hard fast rule to end a r/s it's more complicated then that. I'm glad that you have found us! You can find the lessons on the right side of the board I'm also glad to hear that you have been using validation and having success with it.
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Wildboar

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« Reply #3 on: February 17, 2018, 12:37:13 PM »

First of all thank you both very much for the warm welcomes and the replies! It already feels very reassuring that people like you have got my back! Because hell, it certainly isn't an easy situation, among school stress, adolescence and puberty!

It sounds like you have spent a lot of time thinking about your gf and her emotions and mental state.  What wasn't come through as much was what you have focused inward on yourself.  It's hard really be there for someone else in a way that's healthy for both of you if you don't work on yourself first.
I agree with mama-wolf with focusing on your gf's needs and not on your own needs, you're not alone in that regards there plenty of people here including myself that have done the exact same thing getting so caught up in the other person that we start to lose our sense of self  Being cool (click to insert in post)

   Yes, it's quite true... .I've been very caught up with the whole deal, and my mental health is probably therefore not at its best :/ Thanks by the way for reassuring me that it's normal!
   Anyway, despite everything I have thought about myself too, and I don't think I'm that far gone. But I certainly realize that my anxiety has gotten worse, and I'm not feeling as well as I can. The thing is, since the breakup at New Years this has gotten better; We talked quite a bit less, and I was able to take back my social life and my studies. I have been thinking about myself quite a bit ever since, and I feel a lot better than when we were together, when I felt very drained and just generally stressed.
   In the end, it's true that it hasn't been enough, because as I said, everytime we said goodbye after the breakup after our "regular" dates, I would kind of freak out. I was afraid of waiting another week before meeting her again, and this made me really sad towards the end (Which is what happened the last time we met... .)

You said your "own emotions aren't perfectly stable" and you feel "weak" sometimes.  It also sounded like you were more engaged and focused in the relationship when she is in turmoil, but then once she is in a better place emotionally, you're more anxious and sad.  Have you had an opportunity to speak with a therapist or even a school counselor about these feelings?

   Yeah, I was talking about the stress brought by the relationship mixed with my already anxious personality. I haven't ever sought any help as for now... .I've lately been thinking about it, actually, but I don't really know how to bring it up to my parents. As for the school counselor, I'd probably never have the courage to openly talk to someone involved with the whole school system; I value psychiatrists for their anonymity and their "isolation" from other things in my life.

It's been a couple of days since you messaged her I'm sure that she is feeling anxiety as well you might want to send a short message to relieve that anxiety for the both of you.
   
   Thank you for the advice! Do you have any advice on how to relieve such anxiety?
   In fact, I think this is the hardest thing I've dealt with during the relationship; I've had success with validation with some things she would say or do, but not all of them. And the hardest thing was indeed anxiety, and her moments of sadness.
   The thing is, having an unstable family, she often comes up with anxiety relating her family, along with that relating school and the relationship. Aside from listening and reassuring her that what she feels is normal, and that I understand the feeling of anxiety, I can't do much to help.
   What makes things worse is that I never know whether I should "dig" into her feelings, asking her what exactly makes her anxious. Doing this also usually ends in short answers from her saying "I don't know, I can't understand my emotions". And if I try to cheer her up by distracting it usually either ends up coming up later or ends in her thinking I don't care.

   Also, do you have an idea of how I could manage her fear of losing me (Which seems to be the cause of this whole "push behavior"? What I can say to reassure her, and what I should avoid saying?
   Obviously I know there is no magic word, neither is there an instant solution... .But I'm obviously not helping her at all against this fear... .And there's got to be a way to reassure her that no, she will not lose me like that, that she will not be abandoned, that I care too much to do something like that.


   Anyway, I'm sorry for my very long replies! I'm very glad to have found a new shelter, a place where I can get valuable help! I read a few posts and advice over here, and it has sure helped me a lot!
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« Reply #4 on: February 17, 2018, 03:36:29 PM »

hi Wildboard, id like to join Mutt and mama-wolf and say Welcome

youre in the right place.

id wager that shes confused and hurting too. some space between the both of you can, if you use it (educating yourself like youre doing is a great example), be a good thing.

as monumental a task as it may seem right now, i agree with mama-wolf that some self focus is critical. as much as youre able, build your life. it will benefit you greatly, and it will also be mighty attractive.

id also agree with Mutt that sending a message at this point might be a good idea. space is healthy, and you dont want to smother or get into a heavy conversation, but its a good idea to maintain some level of presence in her life. think in upbeat terms. do you have any news in your life to maybe share, some joke or funny thing you saw that you think she might appreciate?
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« Reply #5 on: February 17, 2018, 04:53:35 PM »

Thank you for the advice! Do you have any advice on how to relieve such anxiety?

If you have separation / abandonment anxiety keeping in touch in small doses will help with that if you you're not sure about the r/s you don't have to go back full head on. You mention social anxiety, I have anxiety / panic disorders although not social anxiety I'm familiar with anxiety. I'm not a doctor and can't diagnose only a professional can do that what I can suggest are some self help options.

Exercise helps with anxiety my gym is close to a high school and I notice some students come in with buddies to work out do you have friends in high school that work out? Maybe join them and here is a helpful link for self help with anxiety click the links on the left side https://www.anxietybc.com/self-help To answer your question about abandonment I’d suggest don’t make false of leaving etc it will trigger somone with abandonment fears. I’m not saying you’re making threats just be careful about talking breaking up if you’re not 100% positive.
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Wildboar

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« Reply #6 on: February 18, 2018, 05:49:30 AM »

   Thank you Mutt and once removed for your replies!

as monumental a task as it may seem right now, i agree with mama-wolf that some self focus is critical. as much as youre able, build your life. it will benefit you greatly, and it will also be mighty attractive.

    Thank you for your advice! I know, it's not easy but I'm trying my best to focus on other things such as meeting friends, getting work done, etc. to keep my mind off our relationship and think about other things. Since it'll probably take time to come to any conclusions, I'm guessing the best I could do is to distract myself and rebuild my emotions properly.

Exercise helps with anxiety my gym is close to a high school and I notice some students come in with buddies to work out do you have friends in high school that work out? Maybe join them and here is a helpful link for self help with anxiety click the links on the left side https://www.anxietybc.com/self-help
   I have actually started exercising at home as I have a bit of equipment, mainly to boost my self esteem a little and to set an easy to reach goal. I did indeed read about the benefits of it for numerous emotional stresses, including anxiety! My friends do go to the gym but due to school finishing quite late, etc. I don't really have the time nor the motivation to actually go there. Also thank you very much for the link!
   I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with panic disorder and anxiety in general, I only had one attack when I was a bit younger but since my ex has them quite often I understand the struggles and the difficulty :/

To answer your question about abandonment I’d suggest don’t make false of leaving etc it will trigger somone with abandonment fears. I’m not saying you’re making threats just be careful about talking breaking up if you’re not 100% positive.
   Alright, thank you. I will take that into account; Now that I think about it, I did actually kind of threaten her. I didn't mean it as a threat, only as a way to "vent" my frustration. I think I said something like "I don't know if I can do this anymore" or something like that... .Darn it, had I come here before! It's probably what caused most of her "push" behaviour and I feel pretty bad about it... .I hope it's possible to reverse the damage I've done.


   As for contact, here are some updates;
   I sent her a message which was probably a bit too heavy, saying that I missed her and that I had hope of "repairing" things... .It obviously backfired on me and yeah, it wasn't the best thing.
   Anyways, I quickly apologized, and she apologized too for reacting in such a cold way; Right now we're just talking quite normally, just as friends I guess.

   The thing is, she mentioned very clearly that 1. She didn't want to talk about her emotions at all with me including about her potential borderline personality, at least for now and 2. She did want to maintain a friendship but she said that she didn't want to express any kind of feelings such as love... .
She also asked me to keep contact to a bare minimum, saying that the last couple of days of her being alone were highly beneficial to her and that she prefered to be alone.
   Obviously these statements are pretty logical and I understand them, but I'm not sure how I should interpret it in the long term... .I'm tempted to give up and begin "moving on" to save myself from further troubles; I'm afraid I'm going to get friendzoned quickly and that she's going to become more of a friend than a romantic partner, and I know it will hurt me a lot if it happens, since I obviously still love her a lot, and hope to win her back.
  
   I read quite a few posts on bpdfamily, and in pretty much every case the pwBPD seems to always come back wanting a relationship again... .I'd like to ask; what is the likelihood of this happening? Is it possible/likely to just get friendzoned instead?
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« Reply #7 on: February 18, 2018, 08:22:20 AM »

I’d suggest to not worry about what she said today in regards to the long term. Feelings are quicksilver for a pwBPD meaning that they can cycle through feelings several times a day what she says today might be totally different tomorroe if she feels differently tomorrow then that’s fact fir her remember feelings are fact to a pwBPD.

I agree with you if she wants the boyfriend aspect and not the attachment then she’s using you you don’t want to be friend zoned if you have more feelings than what she is willing to give then I’d suggest to move on. Again I suggest a wait and see approach take your time with your decision.
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Wildboar

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« Reply #8 on: February 18, 2018, 10:27:12 AM »

I’d suggest to not worry about what she said today in regards to the long term. Feelings are quicksilver for a pwBPD meaning that they can cycle through feelings several times a day what she says today might be totally different tomorroe if she feels differently tomorrow then that’s fact fir her remember feelings are fact to a pwBPD.

I agree with you if she wants the boyfriend aspect and not the attachment then she’s using you you don’t want to be friend zoned if you have more feelings than what she is willing to give then I’d suggest to move on. Again I suggest a wait and see approach take your time with your decision.

   Ha, right, I'm being a bit too anxious! It's true that her feelings change pretty much all the time! I was just wondering, how long do the mood swings last? How long should I wait before I decide that it's probably her definitive choice?
   Because yeah, I know that one day or another the time will come where I'll just be sick of the situation!
   But in the mean time I'm going to try to see a therapist, also because I'm suspecting myself to have codependency issues or something... .I feel quite empty without a girlfriend in general, so I'm guessing that the problem isn't only coming from her, but also from myself. This is notable when I think of my past; I never really spent more than a couple of months without being either in a flirtious or romantic relationship. I also have a lot of trouble imagining myself spending more time alone... .As if having a gf is necessary to motivate me, and without my ex I'm lost and feel quite "useless".

   Thanks you for the numerous replies by the way, as for now I have found a lot of resources on this forum and this thread has helped me a lot! I appreciate it a lot that people have got my back!
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« Reply #9 on: February 19, 2018, 04:28:47 PM »

  I read quite a few posts on bpdfamily, and in pretty much every case the pwBPD seems to always come back wanting a relationship again... .I'd like to ask; what is the likelihood of this happening? Is it possible/likely to just get friendzoned instead?

over 60% of relationships of any stripe recycle (try it again), for a variety of reasons. generally speaking, because the relationship is unresolved in some way.

unfortunately, most of them fail, because people rush right back in, and dont try a different approach, and the same old baggage, the same old problems, the same old dysfunctional dynamics just magnify. if we want a reconciliation to work, it requires a radically different approach. the tools and lessons to the right of the board are your place to start with that.

i would say you are in a decent position. you will need to play the cards you have carefully. shes been direct about what is in bounds and what is out, and thats good, its something you can work with. heed her words. shes open to some contact. keep things light and upbeat. be the charming, confident guy she fell for in the first place.

i tend to think if someone is in the "friend zoned" its because they put themselves there. if i have no interest in being just friends with a person of the opposite sex, then i dont signal that i am.

but theres a big difference between being friendly and being in a "friend zone", the latter involves a very particular sort of involvement and engagement in a persons life. shes put a hard stop on any relationship or feelings talk. thats okay. its healthy. space is good, and it means she doesnt want to go diving back into the same old stuff, and neither do you.

what are you thinking next moves might be?
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« Reply #10 on: February 20, 2018, 11:24:17 AM »

over 60% of relationships of any stripe recycle (try it again), for a variety of reasons. generally speaking, because the relationship is unresolved in some way.

unfortunately, most of them fail, because people rush right back in, and dont try a different approach, and the same old baggage, the same old problems, the same old dysfunctional dynamics just magnify. if we want a reconciliation to work, it requires a radically different approach. the tools and lessons to the right of the board are your place to start with that.

i would say you are in a decent position. you will need to play the cards you have carefully. shes been direct about what is in bounds and what is out, and thats good, its something you can work with. heed her words. shes open to some contact. keep things light and upbeat. be the charming, confident guy she fell for in the first place.

Thank you once again once removed for your reply  Smiling (click to insert in post)!
I guess I can say that this is somewhat reassuring and scary at the same time! But I understand, I need to be careful this time, understand what we did wrong and do my best to make a potential relationship work with her personality.
In any case, thank you, it reassures me a lot to know that I may have a chance to make things work! I will, however, try not to hope too much, as I know the pain deception can bring upon me and I need to learn how to be independant; find satisfaction elsewhere.

i tend to think if someone is in the "friend zoned" its because they put themselves there. if i have no interest in being just friends with a person of the opposite sex, then i dont signal that i am.

but theres a big difference between being friendly and being in a "friend zone", the latter involves a very particular sort of involvement and engagement in a persons life. shes put a hard stop on any relationship or feelings talk. thats okay. its healthy. space is good, and it means she doesnt want to go diving back into the same old stuff, and neither do you.

Yup, this makes a lot of sense actually; Basically if she starts to act like a close friend, like telling me about "the guy she has a crush on" or how she trusts me "like a brother" then I should seriously reconsider my choice, right? For now she's just emotionally distant; she refuses to show any kind of feelings which, indeed as you say, is probably to avoid further pain. I will try to work with this and hopefully she will end up, after a while, feeling comfortable around me!

what are you thinking next moves might be?

   Tbh I'm not too sure; we havn't talked for a couple of days and I'm gonna wait for another day at least for her to engage a conversation... .It helps me to detach myself a bit emotionally and especially to control my impulse to dive for what I'm most dependent.
   But I think my main goal right now is to try to improve my anxiety and co-dependency "withdrawal symptoms". I know that if I dive back into a relationship, as you said it would just make me dependent again and it won't last. I feel like one of the big problems were that I was unable to find the satisfaction elsewhere in life; All my emotions were drawn and controlled by the relationship and it just ended up killing everything.
   I'd like to improve this and learn to socialize more, be productive and stop making her the center of my life. It isn't easy, and right now it hurts quite a bit to be so distant, but I believe that there isn't really any other way of proving to myself that I can be happy without her!

   As for her, I don't know... .I'm trying my best to not think too much about how to get her back because it won't help my improve my co-dependency.
   However, I thought, would it be a good idea to actually tell her that our co-dependency is a main factor that brought down our relationship? I know she still probably feels quite guilty, and she believes in the most part that "she's not enough for me" and that her uBPD is what caused this failure (I discovered about co-dependency only a couple of days ago). I don't know but I feel like it might be a nice gesture to explain to her that I played a big role in what happened, so that her guilt might be a bit relieved. And I'm hoping that it will help her feel a bit of love for me too... .
   Should I tell her? If so, how? By message, should I call her, or should I ask to meet?


   Also, I have another question: Is it actually possible to have a non co-dependent relationship with a pwBPD? I'm wondering this because one of the reasons I became so co-dependent was because I felt "forced" to do so. She would often say things such as "Yesterday I had a panic attack and you didn't seem to care", and not doing anything about BPD doesn't seem to be an option. So how can you not become co-dependent while still caring for her and giving what you are able to give to help her?
   And I'm not talking about bounderies and stuff, I understand that the next time, I should limit myself and discuss it with her. My question is; how can I have the satisfaction of helping her and not become addicted to it, as it happened this time?
   To me, the amazing feeling of feeling useful and caring was like a drug... .How can I not become addicted to it, while still being there for her?
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« Reply #11 on: February 20, 2018, 07:14:32 PM »

I will, however, try not to hope too much, as I know the pain deception can bring upon me and I need to learn how to be independant; find satisfaction elsewhere.

hope can also influence our actions in ways that arent necessarily in our best interest.

this is at the top of our Tools page for a reason. it helps to stay grounded: https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

Yup, this makes a lot of sense actually; Basically if she starts to act like a close friend, like telling me about "the guy she has a crush on" or how she trusts me "like a brother" then I should seriously reconsider my choice, right?

its a delicate balance. now isnt the time for flirting or pushing for a relationship, that will push her away. but youre correct, it is not at all in your interest to be her cheerleader or confidant when/if it comes to other guys. when that happens to me, i keep cool, i dont pout or anything, but i avoid engaging. there are other methods. best to do what feels natural, comfortable, and confident.

like i said, theres a difference between being "friendly" and "being in a friend zone". shes drawn hard boundaries, so "friendly" is what you have to work with, and i reiterate, its not an inherently bad place to be. its a bridge to rebuilding trust and changing the dysfunctional/unhealthy dynamics.

Tbh I'm not too sure; we havn't talked for a couple of days and I'm gonna wait for another day at least for her to engage a conversation... .It helps me to detach myself a bit emotionally and especially to control my impulse to dive for what I'm most dependent.

okay. good attitude. you really dont want to be in her face, you want her to have some opportunity for her to miss you, for emotions to thaw, and her to think of you fondly. but there is such a thing as "too much space", and the risk is that she fully grieves the relationship and then decides its best not to go back. so, right now, every couple of days is a good timeline. when you do reach out, keep it light and upbeat. dont get discouraged if you dont see immediate results.

But I think my main goal right now is... .

again, a great attitude.

bottom line, in order to attract someone, we have to be attractive, right? working on ourselves, building up our lives, having a lot "on the ball", those things are all attractive. so is independence.

likewise, both parties that are in a position like yours usually are fearful about trying it again. they want to see signs that things will change, that it will be different this time. and sometimes, it doesnt even take that much to spark that feeling.

However, I thought, would it be a good idea to actually tell her that our co-dependency is a main factor that brought down our relationship?

i wouldnt. its typically a good idea to stay away from "relationship talk", especially of the heavy variety. in this case shes said as much. the best way to communicate what youre talking about is through actions rather than words. if there is going to be any "relationship talk", let her start it, and then primarily, just listen with empathy (https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy), validate, and then lead through actions.

Also, I have another question: Is it actually possible to have a non co-dependent relationship with a pwBPD?
... .
My question is; how can I have the satisfaction of helping her and not become addicted to it, as it happened this time?

there isnt a simple answer to either question. it requires self work, introspection/learning more about yourself and your tendencies (and then switching gears), and the long and short of it is that it requires a certain level of emotional detachment.

i like helping people. i always have. nothing wrong with that quality. what i can tell you is that bpdfamily helped me to "better" help others. i saw that some of my tendencies hindered my ability to help others, sometimes even made things worse, or frustrated me, the person i was trying to help, or both of us. i still have all the old bad tendencies, but im more self aware, im better practiced, and i know how to press pause, really listen to someone, and consider how i can best support them, and with time, my instincts have become a lot better.

every tool here on this board can better help you to do this, so dive in. this is a good place to start: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

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« Reply #12 on: February 21, 2018, 04:10:18 PM »

   Thanks once removed for all these links to helpful posts! I will take my time to read all the tools on this site, since they're indeed pretty informative not to mention easy to understand.

   It seems like what I'm doing right now seems pretty appropriate, so that reassures me quite a bit, thank you!
   I will certainly be careful if she starts showing any affection towards other guys, and I'll back off emotionally and keep it cool as you say. Of course, it seems totally unnecessary to blow up on her, and by keeping in touch with her I did sign up for the risk of her simply drifting away towards someone else! Nonetheless it'll probably be quite painful, so yeah I'll certainly keep my potential approach in mind.
That being said, let's hope it doesn't happen, and that from "friendliness" it will evolve to affection instead of evolving to "friendzone"!

   Anyway, yeah, I'll also keep in mind about the "too much space" thing! Before/at the beginning of our relationship we had this pattern going on where I would send a message one night, and would then wait for her to engage. I think I'll just proceed the same way; She sent me a message just saying "Hey, what's up" yesterday evening (two days after we stopped talking), so I'll just wait another day or so and engage.
   Now that I think of it, this "pattern" mostly corresponds to the period of our relationthip where it was healthy; We would live our lives, and tell eachother what we did in the evening. Then meet a couple of times a week to get closer. It's nice to be able to rediscover such habits!

   Alright, I'll try my best to stay out of the "relationship talk". Although I do admit that I feel pretty guilty for the co-dependency and I feel quite an urge to tell her about it. Also I have a fear that if I don't tell her, when I tell her she'll lash back by saying "Why didn't you tell me before, I've felt guilty all along"... .
   Anyway, I'll try to wait for her to dive into such a discussion, and of course read the article about empathetic listening before!

   Hmmmm, it does seem like a complicated process! But something I'm willing to face, since whether the relation lasts or not, probably the work I put into myself will pay off in the future. I'll see that link too, and learn a bit more. Gosh I felt like I knew everything about myself and even about BPD, but in a way it's relieving to know that I have so much to learn... .It gives hope, because I feel like I do have the power to change things. Looking forward to exploring more of this forum, learning new things and hopefully helping others too!
   I'm very grateful by the way that you like helping people out, it has had quite a positive impact on my thinking the last few days, and whether my story with this girl turns out well or not the things I've learned are priceless.


   In any case, I will just carry on with this pattern with her and start learning more techniques to manage this situation. As for now, I at least feel like I've gotten a big part of my life back; I've never socialized so much, barely did sports and barely played video games before... .I sure may feel a bit empty, but hell, this relationship was eating away quite a bit of my life!
   I'll keep the thread updated in case anything happens.

   -Wild boar
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« Reply #13 on: February 23, 2018, 04:23:54 PM »

I will take my time to read all the tools on this site, since they're indeed pretty informative not to mention easy to understand.

start practicing them with everyone in your life; they work with everyone, and they take practice, but i use them all the time.

I think I'll just proceed the same way; She sent me a message just saying "Hey, what's up" yesterday evening (two days after we stopped talking), so I'll just wait another day or so and engage.

this is a great sign. i was going to add that its not ideal if youre the one doing all the engaging, but that it might be that way at first. if someone who wants space is also reaching out, and you keep cool when she does, great.

  Alright, I'll try my best to stay out of the "relationship talk". Although I do admit that I feel pretty guilty for the co-dependency and I feel quite an urge to tell her about it. Also I have a fear that if I don't tell her, when I tell her she'll lash back by saying "Why didn't you tell me before, I've felt guilty all along"... .

its a conversation i think is reasonable to have at a later date. it even suggests "something will be different this time". it is a bit heavy for now. even in the future, i might stay away from labels, and blame. id put it more in terms of what youve learned, the mistakes made, and where youd like to see the relationship (and your role in it) go in the future.

As for now, I at least feel like I've gotten a big part of my life back; I've never socialized so much, barely did sports and barely played video games before... .

this is great, and its mighty attractive.

its been a couple of days, whats going on? any update?
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« Reply #14 on: February 24, 2018, 12:00:31 PM »

Hello again,

   We ended up talking about pretty heavy stuff, even though it shouldn't have happened... .I told her about co-dependency, and I'm right now in the process of convincing her that I wasn't just dependent, but also loved her. She says she believes me, but in the back of my head something tells me that she's subconsciously fearing that I never actually loved her. Aside from this, I plan on continuing on the same coarse of giving her a bit of space, while building my life beside.
   Also, I told her that I sought help online, on a forum. Of course, I did not tell her which site, nor did I show her the thread. In any case, she said she was strictly against the idea of posting anything about our relationship on the internet.
   I won't leave of course, I will stay here to keep learning different tools (And practicing them on people in my daily life seems like a great idea, thank you!) and I'd like to one day contribute and help in the way you have helped me. If this all fails I will probably post a thread with only my own story and without giving away details of her life.

In any case, I appreciate your help a lot! I have an idea of what to do now, and I'll hopefully manage this on my own. I'm truly sorry that I cannot continue this thread, and that other people in the situation will not be able to learn from my story. Thanks again for the time you've put into helping me!

Cheers,
Wildboar
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« Reply #15 on: February 26, 2018, 03:14:25 PM »

hey Wild boar ,

I have never thought about that I would find someone in the exact same spot as me ,  ,I can say that our stories are probably typical .

I want to let you know that I really feel what you are going through and also I don't have any strong advice to tell you but from my experience I know that we can't pour from an empty cup . we really need to be confident and take care of our life and studies and being independent .trust me they want someone strong and confident to lean on. and as Once removed said it is attractive to them .

I also know that you feel like she is the center of the world and that you need her . but try to CHOOSE her not NEED her much because it might put weight on her .

I also want to ask some stuff if I may , did she ever y'know like act so in love then so cold in the same day for no reason ? and If you ever felt unloved or unwanted because of her cold behavior how did you deal with it ? you don't have to answer if you don't like ...

you can also check my story you may find it helpful

take care ,
Yuu
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« Reply #16 on: February 26, 2018, 05:20:12 PM »

Hi Yuu,

Thanks for your reply!

Ha, I'll definitely check your story out. It's reassuring I'm not alone on this! It's a difficult situation, but hey, I believe there's a way out.
In any case, I'm currently working on it! Socializing, working out, studying... .All the stuff that fills my time and makes me independent.

Hmmm, yeah, she did. I think it's just usual BPD behavior? Personally I tried my best to not associate her coldness to love; I'd think of her as almost a different person. My best strategy was to kinda ignore my emotions for the time being and focus on her issues, as her coldness was usually due to anxiety, etc. But I have to be honest, especially when I was tired or stressed out, I didn't have the emotional control required for such a fine task... .I'd just either become cold myself or get frustrated (Which is the worst reaction).
I believe that the best way to deal with such a situation is to simply validate by trying your best to understand why she's feeling like this, why she's cold, and accepting her behavior. It's the best way to get her either to talk or to get back to normal... .Also, try to reassure yourself that it usually doesn't have much to do with you or the love she has for you... .At least in my case, it was usually due to external factors.
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« Reply #17 on: February 28, 2018, 03:21:20 PM »

any update?
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« Reply #18 on: February 28, 2018, 04:48:50 PM »

Hey Wildboar or anyone,
How do you guys handle the silent treatment when they are feeling cold?

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« Reply #19 on: March 02, 2018, 11:03:20 AM »

any update?

Hi again bpdfamily!

   I forgot to update you on one important thing that happened right after the post. Basically, during our "heavy conversation" I gave in and told her that I missed her and that I wanted to see her. She said that she'd think about it, it's been a week since then though, no updates.
   Aside from that, during this week, we had a couple of normal, fun talks. Just the usual, good ol' jokes and stuff. It felt good I guess, it felt like I was making progress, like I was getting somewhere!

   Also, the other day she played a joke on me; she pretended she was seeing another guy... .It was very strange and not ordinary. I obviously fell for it and started getting angry and anxious. I don't know what to think, after she told me it was a joke I laughed it off. But deep down,
I kind of feel like I was "tested". As if she was testing my paranoia. I don't know.

   Now she's entered the dark phase of BPD I think. She told me she wasn't feeling good emotionally. I naturally acted like I would've in a relationship; comforting her, reassuring that I was there, and validating the very few feelings she described. She was very very distant and basically didn't want to talk at all, yet claimed my presence was helping her. Idk if it was a good thing to do, but I doubt it would've been better to ignore her... .
   Currently she has cheered up a bit, but is colder than usual.

   As for what I'm feeling; My feelings fluctuate a lot. I feel a bit more energetic at times, even happy that I'm free and that I've found other things to do in life. However, I still think of her a lot and feel pretty sad and empty. Mostly sad. I miss her.
   Also, when I talk to her it gets worse. Waiting for her messages (which can take hours) is agonizing. Not to mention how much her feelings affect me, how every smiley makes me either very happy or terribly depressed.
   I know time will fix this... .But hell, it really feels, sometimes, like I'm wasting my time by talking to her. One side is dying to see her, talk with her, and I'm so incredibly afraid of losing her. The problem is that these feelings come only during contact; If I distract myself and don't talk to her they go away. Argh, sorry, I'm just ranting! I know there's no real solution except time and I'm not capable of stopping the little contact we have.
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« Reply #20 on: March 02, 2018, 12:09:21 PM »

Also, I had a question about how I can improve a trait in me.

I read online that when dating a pwBPD, it's best to not set "expectations" and to live the moment. Now that I think about it, many of my "cold phases" were due to this kind of wishful thinking. For example, hoping to meet her a certain day and then her telling me she can't. Or planning something one day and ending up not able to do it for whatever reason. I remember this dissapointment feeling was particularly strong before holidays or moments in which we wouldn't be able to meet for a while. Being pretty co-dependent and stuff, a simple thing such as meeting her an hour less than what I expected before her departure made me feel very bad, and ultimately these "episodes" that I had made the relationship unstable too.
   I just realized that this still affects me (Though less because we don't talk as much). For example this week I was constantly hoping to be able to meet her, even though it was very unlikely that she'd be ready for such a big step.
   This seems to happen on different scales; From things planned months ahead, to small expectations such as getting a message reply, I always go through the same cycle of Maybe she'll do this and that and feeling depressed because I didn't get the thing I wanted. And she knows this, by the way... .It's just that most of my disappointments are caused by external factors, or something we have little control on such as her BPD phases.
   Also, the fact that BPD is so random and unpredictable makes the "hope window" larger. In the sense that I'm able to hope for things that are pretty unrealistic, because I know that they can happen. It's just that usually they don't happen, and my disappointment is disproportionately more intense than the probability.

   I don't know if I made much sense, I hope it's understandable! I think this is one of the most important things I need to work on... .It's just that I don't know where to start, nor what to do. How can I stop hoping so much? Or at least stop being so disappointed by things that were bound to happen 99%?
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« Reply #21 on: March 12, 2018, 06:08:33 PM »

How can I stop hoping so much? Or at least stop being so disappointed by things that were bound to happen 99%?

Radical Acceptance can tame unrealistic hopes and expectations. it sounds like shes very difficult to make or keep plans with. id be disappointed as well, and its hard to have a relationship that way. but if you accept that its the case (that shes difficult) it can become easier to work with, or even not work with.

whats been going on, Wildboard? any update?

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« Reply #22 on: March 16, 2018, 01:31:42 PM »

Radical Acceptance can tame unrealistic hopes and expectations. it sounds like shes very difficult to make or keep plans with. id be disappointed as well, and its hard to have a relationship that way. but if you accept that its the case (that shes difficult) it can become easier to work with, or even not work with.

whats been going on, Wildboard? any update?



Hey again!

I'll look into that, it seems like a valuable technique for this. She wasn't particularly hard to make plans with; it's mostly environmental factors that played. And also, I think most of the unrealistic expectations came from me, hoping for things that were very unlikely... .Especially after we restarted talking after the breakup, I was expecting wayy too much which hurt me and her in the end.

Anyway, as for now it's been a couple of weeks of talking every 2-3 days. Same pattern everyday. The distance seems to be growing though... .less interest on her side, less long chats... .It's maybe due to the fact that she's busier right now, but yeah
I gotta admit, it's hard to keep hoping that she'll come back, and sometimes I feel the need to get angry at her, tell her I'm not ok... .tell her that i wanna see her but obviously that'll screw things up, better keep it calm

Btw I had asked her if we would be able to meet one day a couple of weeks ago, forgot to tell you. She said she'll think about it; as for today, still nothing.

And ofc anxiety is gnawing at me, inventing all sorts of scenarios, but I'm doing pretty well with dealing with that, so I wont complain haha
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« Reply #23 on: March 16, 2018, 01:49:48 PM »

   In any case, this slow, progressive distancing is killing me... .I feel like our love will just die on a span of multiple months, with no control over it. I can't panic, I can't say anything, I can't go back, because it's all happening so slowly that the change is invisible in the short term.

Idk if that makes any sense, but like what I'm saying is that it's only when I look at the bigger picture that I feel sad, because I barely realize the growing distance. But when I do see the bigger picture, it kills me because I realize how far we've gotten from what we once had... .slowly, little by little, as if this is just our destiny, our path.
Yes, that's it, instead of it feeling like a big "bump" or obstacle, it feels more like a road that's destined to be that way. And it makes me sad because I feel like it's impossible she'll come back.

Idk, probably being a bit pessimistic, I'm not in my best mood right now haha
But yeah, I feel like the relationship is forgotten, that our love is fading away... .and I don't want that, I just want her back. I'm trying my best, I did improve a lot, found a ton of motivations. But when I see that she has improved a lot too, and when I see how happy she is right now, without me, I just think "why the hell would she want to come back?"

I hope she's acting like me, missing me secretly, and trying to be strong around me. I wonder if she regularly thinks of me... .
But judging from her shorter and shorter texts, response times that have greatly increased, and just the general atmosphere of text conversations, it feels like I'm giving all the investment

Anyway, that was my little venting about the sadness
Please, remind me of how people with BPD often come back!
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« Reply #24 on: March 16, 2018, 02:02:38 PM »

some distance is natural, and healthy, and remember, it can be a necessary hurdle in order to rebuild.

i also understand how distressing it is. id be pained by it too.

can you give us a better idea of how the conversations are transpiring? ill bet we can find something to work with.
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« Reply #25 on: March 16, 2018, 02:17:28 PM »

some distance is natural, and healthy, and remember, it can be a necessary hurdle in order to rebuild.

i also understand how distressing it is. id be pained by it too.

can you give us a better idea of how the conversations are transpiring? ill bet we can find something to work with.

Right, thanks for the reminder!

Well, basically put, it's mostly about usual life, school, stuff like that. By distance I mean that she isn't as responsive, as invested... .Before I felt like she would ask more questions, be more active, etc.
Now it's pretty plain, less jokes and stuff
It's hard to judge though, since we talk pretty rarely. Maybe the distance hasn't really grown that much, it's just an illusion because I miss her a lot... .

But yeah it's pretty hard, because I don't have any other source of information... .I sometimes see her from a distance, but naturally avoid her because it makes me panic. I talk to mutual friends only when she's not here for example.
She doesn't really seem to acknowledge me either.

She did send me a message during a panic attack though... .Although she quickly apologized for it saying that she didn't need help. I insisted that I was there for her nonetheless, to make her feel less "abandoned", and took advantage of the situation to validate and listen with empathy. She just thanked me, and said she'd consider asking for help if she feels that she needs it.

I just want to see her, I wonder how long it will take... .I have so many things we could talk about, etc. But I'm also afraid of it, because I don't want to have unrealistic hopes and then be dissapointed
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« Reply #26 on: March 16, 2018, 02:29:21 PM »

if youre up for sharing, some of the back and forth would really help. im trying to get a feel for if it would be better to dial back and wait for her to initiate, or to try a different tack, get some spark back. what do you think?
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #27 on: March 16, 2018, 04:04:47 PM »

if youre up for sharing, some of the back and forth would really help. im trying to get a feel for if it would be better to dial back and wait for her to initiate, or to try a different tack, get some spark back. what do you think?

I don't know... .I know she doesn't want me to talk about any of this, so it's probably wiser that I don't dive too into our conversations on the boards, sorry... .
I'll try and judge for myself if I should stay back or try a different tack as you say. Could you point out a few "signs" or something? We're having a convo now, and she seems pretty receptive all of sudden, so for now things are pretty normal which reassures me a bit!

Btw, what exactly do you mean by getting some spark back? How's that done?

Sorry, I must be making it 5 times harder to offer help >.< Specific questions if you want I'm kinda alright with that, just not too much sharing ya know... .
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #28 on: March 16, 2018, 06:14:14 PM »

Btw, what exactly do you mean by getting some spark back? How's that done?

flirting is what comes to mind. could be light or heavy (certainly, start lightly). you know her best, you know what will land or miss the target. think about what lit the spark in the first place.

she sounds bored. i dont mean that you are boring her per se, but it could be the pace and the excitement of the conversations. they may have felt nice, and reassuring at first, but if it gets to feel routine, think about it: even life long best friends dont keep that up.

We're having a convo now, and she seems pretty receptive all of sudden, so for now things are pretty normal which reassures me a bit!

did anything change on your end?
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« Reply #29 on: March 16, 2018, 11:52:17 PM »

I don't know... .I know she doesn't want me to talk about any of this, so it's probably wiser that I don't dive too into our conversations on the boards, sorry... .
I'll try and judge for myself if I should stay back or try a different tack as you say. Could you point out a few "signs" or something? We're having a convo now, and she seems pretty receptive all of sudden, so for now things are pretty normal which reassures me a bit!

Btw, what exactly do you mean by getting some spark back? How's that done?

Sorry, I must be making it 5 times harder to offer help >.< Specific questions if you want I'm kinda alright with that, just not too much sharing ya know... .

Hey buddy,

Does she check the boards? I think it is best if you keep some things from her. Not saying be secretive or manipulative but you should have your own life and not be afraid of certain things. I know my ex didnt like me talking about our relationship with my close friends. I think this is perhaps due to the pwBPD thinking/caring of what others think of them and tarnishing their self image? Im not sure but just a small speculation. If someone with more knowledge can step in here?

flirting is what comes to mind. could be light or heavy (certainly, start lightly). you know her best, you know what will land or miss the target. think about what lit the spark in the first place.

she sounds bored. i dont mean that you are boring her per se, but it could be the pace and the excitement of the conversations. they may have felt nice, and reassuring at first, but if it gets to feel routine, think about it: even life long best friends dont keep that up.

did anything change on your end?

I agree with Once removed here.
You are focusing a bit too much on texting through the phone. I know how disheartening it is to receive cold texts or short replies. But like you asked how do you create spark? Its really hard to create spark/attraction through text. I think right now is the time you set something up, and do something in person. Whenever my ex was being distant or giving short, vague replies. I would set something up such as dinner at a restaurant we never went to before or one she really loves. Then perhaps a stroll in a park. You want to set experiences that will be memorable or romantic. Just like dating anyone. Doesn't have to be grandiose, but something that isn't "expected" or routine. Once the night is over, she will think of you more. My ex would text me a lot more and tell me how she really enjoyed our night.  

I noticed, you mentioned a couple times where she said "I'll consider it". In my opinion, it seems like the ball is always in her court. You want her coming to you, not having you as some option.


sometimes I feel the need to get angry at her, tell her I'm not ok... .tell her that i wanna see her but obviously that'll screw things up, better keep it calm

Btw I had asked her if we would be able to meet one day a couple of weeks ago, forgot to tell you. She said she'll think about it; as for today, still nothing.

And ofc anxiety is gnawing at me, inventing all sorts of scenarios, but I'm doing pretty well with dealing with that, so I wont complain haha

You are in a VERY similar situation I was in before my breakup. Except, her being so distant made me anxious and made me lash out and tell her "if you don't want to see me then say so". I know what you are going through and you feel like you have to overpursue. Your mind and body goes into a flight or flight and you become very anxious. I think you shouldnt think too much into the texting aspect. But like i said, set up a date. If she denies, then give her some space and let her come to you.

To set up a date, ask her when she's free. Tell her to get ready and you'll pick her up. if she asks why, say its a surprise. Don't tell her the plans, and have her guessing. Do something cute. take her to a fair, or a art museum, nice resturant. Go to a lake and feed ducks or something. You know what she likes.  Make her laugh and show her why she fell in love with you in the first place. Don't talk about the relationship or anything heavy. Your job is to create attraction.
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