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Red5
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« on: February 17, 2018, 06:07:12 PM »

So u/BPDw is at home tearing up the house, and me and S31ss are sitting in a parking lot uptown eating drive through chick felay... .had to leave in a hurry.

I am so sick of u/BPDw step moms BS 

Red5
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« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2018, 06:40:19 PM »

Now we are in next town down the road, got the nice folks at Mickey dees to make my S31sn a “coffee milkshake”.

May have to deploy “bail out bag” procedures tonight... .

Ugh... .so disruptive 

Red5
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« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2018, 08:00:06 PM »

Red, take care tonight. Sounds like you had to bug out due to some BPD shenanigans.

Hope you and S31 are still ok. I’m 500 miles from home with D16 and still taking fire... .

Check in when you can.

-Oz
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« Reply #3 on: February 17, 2018, 08:02:46 PM »

Hi Red5,

Wish I could offer you more support right now, but all I can offer is... .stay on target. Take care of yourself, as we can see you’re doing... .

mw
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Red5
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« Reply #4 on: February 17, 2018, 09:29:48 PM »

... .what an evening, u/BPDw was actually removing, with a crowbar; floor molding, chair rail, and wains coating that we had installed months ago in the living room, she was yelling at me that I never finished caulking it so it could be painted?

F’ing REALLY 

What was it now, a days ago, week before last she “let go” my S31sn’s mentor over some tripled up BS, .

This has been what I call a “down cycle” for about two weeks now, and episode after episode after episode, cumulating with the final straw for me, valentines roses in the pot, ie’ toilet... .

It got real this evening and me and S31sn had to bail... .

I am so tired of this, I been with her for the years now, .and all I have are “destructo  memories”... .

It’s beenone cock and bull fight after the other... .

I just happened across this BPD phenominom about fifteen months ago now, before that I thought it was me, or that maybe she was bipolar or something... .

Lord only knows as she is undiagnosed... .

I think a major trigger today was FOO mums announcement that she was going marry her long time BF, who showed up just after u/BPDw’s FOO father passed... .

They are all going to breakfast in the AM for soemkind of FOO get together, so that must be the big announcement... .

I/BPDw has NEVER been onboard with FOO mums BF, a long story... .

Gotta get some rest, and get back home in the AM and he ready for church.

S31sn really looks forward to attending every Sunday, so in spite of all the DISRUPTION caused by all of the u/BPDw and her FOO, I will keep things on a normal footing as best I can.

But I have to say,!she really pissed me off over the last twenty four hours... .

And I don’t see it (me) falling for any recycle this time.

My friendly easygoing good nature has been trampled on for the last time.

BOY!... .and grrrr !

I feel nothing but anger towards her right now, this pattern has gone on long enough.

I think Injabe had it for good this time... .all I can think of is those damn roses o the toilet... .I mean who would she think of doing something like that,

And that ain’t even the whole show, she has done so much over the last ten years... .

I have put up with it for far too long,

Ok, got to all down now is late as we need to rest,

Red5
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« Reply #5 on: February 17, 2018, 10:09:41 PM »

Sounds like you’ve had a real treat of behavior. Roses in the sh—ter? Yeah it’s a slap in the face. I had my share this year too.

Get some rest, the sun will still shine tomorrow.

Here for you,
-Oz
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Red5
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« Reply #6 on: February 17, 2018, 10:58:55 PM »

Sounds like you’ve had a real treat of behavior. Roses in the sh—ter? Yeah it’s a slap in the face. I had my share this year too.

Get some rest, the sun will still shine tomorrow.

Here for you,
-Oz
Thanks Oz & to you as well fellow traveler and Brother !

Red5!
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« Reply #7 on: February 18, 2018, 08:54:34 PM »

Made it to Church services this morning with S31sn, then out eat some lunch at his fav eating joint, then grocery shopping for his lunch this week, sat in the parking lot for a while listening to his fav country station, then finally back home, made sure old puppy dog was ok, and meds were ok, then got S31sn ready for his evening routine, not much com u/BPDw, and good !... .like nothing even happened... .

S31sn and I watched steam locomotive videos on his computer for while this evening... .he seems ok, as Indid my best to keep thins as calm as I could for him over the last twenty four hours... .

Now it’s late here, she is in bedroom with door closed, S31sn is settled and in his bedroom asleep, and here I am in the office on the leather couch,

Much to reflect about, new boundaries to keep, standard operating procedures have been modified, and a few things as missing now, and likely never to return... .a little older this evening and a little more wiser,

I have lost some things this week, and I am I longer going to “participate” in those things now, I take inventory over the last eleven years and I compare them to now, .

The light is going out, slowly... .I am certainly too old for this BS... .

Hope everyone is ok this evening, Red5
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« Reply #8 on: February 18, 2018, 10:28:49 PM »

Red, this is just over the top behavior. Very dramatic. Obviously, that's the intent.

I suggest you use this calm space tonight, in your own "bed,"  to think about what you really want. What's next?

This storm will probably pass, and soon enough you'll be back into it, if you chose to that is.

Wishing you calm and peace tonight.

~DB
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Red5
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« Reply #9 on: February 18, 2018, 11:29:47 PM »

Red, this is just over the top behavior. Very dramatic. Obviously, that's the intent.

I suggest you use this calm space tonight, in your own "bed,"  to think about what you really want. What's next?

This storm will probably pass, and soon enough you'll be back into it, if you chose to that is.

Wishing you calm and peace tonight.

~DB

DB77,

That’s just the tantamount issue weighing on my MT and dust filled brain housing compartment this evening... .

This last week and weekends events were indeed the last straw for me, small in their actual makeup maybe, but added to the overall tally, .the roses in the toilet were it for me.

As Inand S31sn departed in such a hurry last evening, I did not pickup my watch, you see when I remove my watch, I also remove my wedding band, and the orange cancer bracelet and I join them all together until I pick the back up to put them back on,

My u/BPDw is not well, this cake about over the last year and a half,

So when I came back and picked up my watch, she’d taken my wedding band and the orange bracelet off the watch band,

How many times has she done this over the last eleven years... .games games games... .

Now I don’t care, I only said “ there is something missing here, do you have it “, she said “Inhave it”... .so that is the last time I am going to mention it... .another little thing gone, not hat the symbol of a wedding band is a small thing, but her intent to “make a point”, I am negate ting now, not dropping anymore coins into that dama dispenser anymore,

I have tried to support her in her illness but it has been stormy, she uses it as a means to paint me black all the time and also to charater assasinate me with her FOO... .’lots of war stories’ to relate there,

No, things are very different for me now, things are different, I am not even sure I am honestly say that I love her beyond FOG anymore, mich less even like her, .yeah, things have certainly deteriorated and the roses in the toilet pretty much scuttled what was left as far as any semblance of romantic ideations for me,

I reflect on just how far things have slipped, I care for her well being, but at the same time I really wish she would just leave,

I was out in the back patio with our old dog this evening, and she said something o me and called me “baby”... .and it made my skin crawl... .Inhave has enough, the ship is capsizing and it ain’t coming back again this time... .bam to the roses in the toilet... .

She is my second wife, we have no children together, eleven years is the only thing we share, and with eight years of marriage,

I have no good memories, only bad ones, everywhere there are reminders of past aurgumems and fights... .the home is full of dinks and dents and trigger for me... .this is NOT anyway to love or live,

Recycle... .let’s see how long I can hold out, right now, my skin feels electrified at the thought of her... .Indont want any physical contact or any such thing with her, Incant stand the thought of her even touching me... .yeah it’s that bad... .

The sight of those beautiful dozen red roses in the toilet... .that really shook me up... .f’ing crazy huh... .

Lord help me... .

This has got to end somehow, I am drowning in dread now,

Red5

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« Reply #10 on: February 19, 2018, 07:22:17 AM »

Hi Red5,

Checking in on you this morning.  Your anger, pain, disgust, and frustration are all palpable through the boards.  I see you, and with your words I feel for you as well.

So my question for you is this:  What are you doing to change your situation?  Are you able to?  I know you said things have changed for you, but now what?

The reason I ask is because my therapist made the observation to me that planning helps alleviate anxiety.  Right now, things seem pretty raw emotionally for you, so I can imagine it may be hard to focus on a plan.  Or maybe you are doing that and you want to focus here on an outlet for your emotions--all perfectly understandable!

mw

(And I am so sorry, but I haven't figured out what S31sn actually means... .I'm still new here and have looked at the Glossary, but can't seem to put it together aside from you having a step-son?  I'm having trouble with the age and letters at the end)
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« Reply #11 on: February 19, 2018, 09:10:35 AM »

MW,

S31sn is my code for my thirty one year old autistic son, he is my oldest son of three children from my previous marraige, I also have a grown daughter D26, and she is the “baby”, and my middle son S27, they both are grown and on their own now. S31sn (autistic and mild MR) is developmentally about that of a six to eight year old, so basically I have a kindergartner in a grownups body.

My S31sn is the light of my life and as well a life long responsibility, he is ever gong to “grow up” and be self suficient, he will always be completely dependent on me for everything, I love all three of my children but he is very special in many ways, he is a very happy and loving and very curios spirit,

My u/BPDw also has two grown children of her own from her previous marraige.

MOST of our endless fighting has been over our children, but you see; S31sn will always live with us... .when we got married both my other two were still living with me, and this situation was source of much angst... .

Of note, during one episode after her initial surgery, she did act out to her ownFOO and her two children that had come home to be with her through the procedure, they actually warned me about her behaviors and said that they would not blame me if I ended it, being the marraige.

Since becoming sick, she has resigned her job (career) and uploaded most of her debt, and even sold her former home, as she does live in my (our) present home, she is now completely dependent upon me, when we met eleven years ago she had been divorced about four years and was completely self suficient... .I had been divorced about a year and was a single father with full custody (another long story).

So, S31sn means my beloved special needs #1 Son : )
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« Reply #12 on: February 19, 2018, 09:51:22 AM »

MW.

As to your question what am I doing... .well it is peaceful for now, I have the day off and Intook S31sn to his day program and I am out running erands... .I learned long ago not to make rash and emotionally driven life changing decisions... .untillnI have had the time to reflect and calm down... .so right now I choose to do nothing, Inam just building time to quote “Cool Hand Luke”... .but I have felt the shift in my emotional foundation in this marriage and for now, it looks like I am choosing not to allow the status quo recycle to occur... .what will happen when I do not participate... .I have a few ideas, but only time will tell, I am  finance-ually secure... .and quite capable of self suficient life, but that said, I am defanitely not able to feel anything as I once did towards her, that change this last week and for good now... .that seems to be broken in me now,

Red5
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« Reply #13 on: February 19, 2018, 10:29:43 AM »

I feel for you, Red5.    I know exactly what it's like to go through a "snap" and have all the bonds broken forever. That happened to me with my ex-husband. I had tolerated incredibly abusive behavior for years, yet one episode put me over the edge and I was done.

It really surprised him that I was no longer amenable to his excuses, his apologies, his promises of better behavior. I had experienced all of that for years and I knew how worthless they were. PwBPD change their feelings like they change their socks; they're amazed that we wouldn't simply shrug off one of their "episodes".

This is what you might expect from your wife when she realizes that she has gone too far. She will pick up on your new attitude and it will undoubtedly shock her when she becomes aware that she can no longer lasso you and drag you back to the corral.

It's a strange place to be in, having the realizations you now have after all these years. But, once you get past the disorientation, it's a very freeing space to be with lots of potential. You are no longer susceptible to her control.
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« Reply #14 on: February 19, 2018, 11:41:52 AM »


It's a strange place to be in, having the realizations you now have after all these years. But, once you get past the disorientation, it's a very freeing space to be with lots of potential. You are no longer susceptible to her control.

The one thing that is always the precursor to a fight between us, and the thing that I will NOT tolerate is her being mean to my S31sn... .she is like  across between "Miss Trunchbull" and "Frau Farbissina" when she tries to interact with him... .she will say, just because he is autistic, does no mean he is stupid, she seems to love to punish, take away his things when he acts out to her because she is trying to get him to do something her way... .and when I step in and stop her BOOM!

Always the strict disciplinarian... .punish punish punish... .I am sick of it ; (

Her own FOO and as well grown adult children have tried to talk to her about this... .to no avail.

Then there is "me"... .and I am sick of the way she treats me as well... .there is no rest here, when things are even close to normal... .so when she is "mad"... and silent treatment is in effect, there is peace... .

When she gets told to back off, and chill out, .to "lighten up", boy she blows her top, and then there is no way to even try to use any of out "tools" to calm her... .and she acts out, ie' drown the dozen roses... .

That was it for me... .what did I say in the middle text bomb ranting last week... .

[Red5 - So... .here we are again, once again proving that we are completely incomparable together. It does get old does it not. I am very tired, and I would like some peace, and as well some quiet in my life, seeing as how I am most likely in the last third quarter of my life. I do not wish to continue this any longer, do what you feel you must, but as of now, I would like for you to leave me and my son who still lives with me alone]

Red5

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« Reply #15 on: February 19, 2018, 11:47:32 AM »

So you've found your clarity. It may be too early to ask, "what's next?" but you know that's the next step.

In the meantime, how can you insulate your son from her?
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« Reply #16 on: February 19, 2018, 01:55:10 PM »

So you've found your clarity. It may be too early to ask, "what's next?" but you know that's the next step.

In the meantime, how can you insulate your son from her?

For all these years I have been trying to dissect and reverse engineer these constant fights as if; if I could understand what was the cause then I could prevent it right?

I know what doesn’t work, and what her triggers are I think... .just the other day and about a week ago she says to me; “you do such a great job of taking care of us all and you are good provider and husband, I don’t know what I’d ever do if I lost you”... .now I look back and say to myself... .“What the heck over”... .I know I know, push and pull, ideation and the discard,

She is S31sn’s step mother, WHY is it such a big deal an issue to try and control him so, that’s my job, and I have three decades over eleven years to know what is best for him, .like his shower time, I used to just let him take as long as he wants, within reason, but she wanted a fifteen minute limit, we even got a timer bell that would ring in the fifteen minutes... .so the bell would ring and he would the rinse off and go about getting ready to turn off the shower, but he was NOT fast enough for her... .she goes to the bathroom door and BANGS on the door and yells at him that TIME IS UP GET OUT WATER OFF NOW... .we’ll id had about enough of that BS... .and I called her on it, “how would you like it someone did that to you, come on get off of it, so what he spend an extra minute, he heard the damn bell and he will get out, so chill out... .and then she starts in on me... .then S31sn gets upset too... .What the heck... .she does this crap all the time with everything he does, every friggen night... .why ?

I am always running interference trying to be first, and ahead of her, it few so old, she just can’t seem to chill theFout where my S31sn is concerned... .but she is like this about most everything... .

These negative interactions are what is leading on into the constant fights as we are both very hard headed, and I am extremely protective of S31sn obviously... .and she seems super critical of EVERYTHING... .so we have what we had the other day... .ending in operation “rose bowl”,

This has been going on in one form or another for eleven long years now.

Can you see now why I am at this impasse, she has destroyed any pleasant loving feelings I may have ever had for her... .just got to be her way, what’s next?

I have already threatened divorce many times over the years, but never have followed through,

I do not see anything see changing but only getting worse... .

Thoughts ?

Red5
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« Reply #17 on: February 19, 2018, 02:32:14 PM »

You know her. Eleven years is a long time. What you see is what you get, now and in the future. Seems you cannot tolerate it any longer and I don't blame you.

So bizarre that she feels the need to micromanage your son. PwBPD can barely control themselves, so they need to control others? (Not all of them, but you've got an extreme case there.)

It sounds totally exhausting, Red5.   
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« Reply #18 on: February 19, 2018, 10:22:44 PM »

You know her. Eleven years is a long time. What you see is what you get, now and in the future. Seems you cannot tolerate it any longer and I don't blame you.

So bizarre that she feels the need to micromanage your son. PwBPD can barely control themselves, so they need to control others? (Not all of them, but you've got an extreme case there.)

It sounds totally exhausting, Red5.   

Hey Cat... .I was responding to formflier in another thread, tonight was a chit show, u/BPDw tried to play the recycle card on me but I did not go along, .I got the “ do you even still love me “... .coming from the same woman that stuffed the dozen roses into then crapper not 24 hours before... .

You are spot on, .“what you see is what you get”

She did a lot of blame game tonight as well, and raged at me for a while and S31sn was right there in the kitchen while she was doing it : (

Red5
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« Reply #19 on: February 20, 2018, 11:12:42 AM »

Thank you, for the clarification Red5!  I knew I was missing something, and of course once you explained the situation S31sn makes perfect sense.

I'm so glad he has you looking out for him, and so sorry your pwBPD feels the need to be so hard on him.  It sounds pretty unbearable to have to deal with that level of criticism, negativity, and need for control.

It sounds like the recycle button isn't working, and I say good for you sticking with that boundary.  Having reached the place where you are emotionally, I can certainly understand being done with the situation.  I hope you are able to put in place some long-term plans that will get you and S31sn into a happier environment.

mw
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« Reply #20 on: February 20, 2018, 12:01:53 PM »

Thank you, for the clarification Red5!  I knew I was missing something, and of course once you explained the situation S31sn makes perfect sense.

I'm so glad he has you looking out for him, and so sorry your pwBPD feels the need to be so hard on him.  It sounds pretty unbearable to have to deal with that level of criticism, negativity, and need for control.

It sounds like the recycle button isn't working, and I say good for you sticking with that boundary.  Having reached the place where you are emotionally, I can certainly understand being done with the situation.  I hope you are able to put in place some long-term plans that will get you and S31sn into a happier environment.

mw

Thanks mama-wolf !

Lord knows I want, I need, I crave peace... .

Red5
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« Reply #21 on: February 20, 2018, 06:18:07 PM »

Red, I’m very limited on time. I’ve had “the straw” today as well, just wanted to let you know you’ve been on my mind and I’m sending positive vibes your way.

Hang in there.
-Oz
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« Reply #22 on: February 21, 2018, 08:22:02 AM »



She did a lot of blame game tonight as well, and raged at me for a while and S31sn was right there in the kitchen while she was doing it : (
 

How long was the rage?

I'm wondering... .thinking... .that a standard "rage response" is needed, that deprives her of an audience.

She can rage all she wants in private... .her choice.  And honestly, you can listen all you want as well (although I recommend you don't).

However, your son is really in the child category, where he needs someone to look out for his best interests.  I'm sure you would agree, listening to rage is not good for him (or anyone for that matter).

Thoughts?

How does this inform you as you evaluate boundaries and boundary enforcement?

FF 
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« Reply #23 on: February 21, 2018, 10:02:40 AM »

So how's it going today, Red5? Has she calmed down somewhat?
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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« Reply #24 on: February 21, 2018, 10:04:51 AM »

Red, I’m very limited on time. I’ve had “the straw” today as well, just wanted to let you know you’ve been on my mind and I’m sending positive vibes your way.

Hang in there.
-Oz

Right back at ya Brother Oz!

Yes,  I’m sending positive vibes your way as well... .a friggen train load Brother !

Tell is all more when you can, and hang tough Brother !

Red5

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“We are so used to our own history, we do not see it as remarkable or out of the ordinary, whereas others might see it as horrendous. Further, we tend to minimize that which we feel shameful about.” {Quote} Patrick J. Carnes / author,
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« Reply #25 on: February 21, 2018, 10:59:04 AM »

So how's it going today, Red5? Has she calmed down somewhat?

Cat & formflier et all’,

Thanks for stopping by !

My S27 came by last night to check on his motorcycle, as we are keeping it in the garage due to cold temperatures here,

So you know how this goes, good behavior (channel changing) takes place... .as neutral third party is on deck, & rage is then “secured”.

S27 & I also had to take family puppy dog to another post-op apt, so that took up some time as well, and then S31sn home from school too…

S27 stayed for the evening meal, and some television time together, and so by the time he left to go back home, it was late, next day’s preparation (S31sn) and chores completed, and everyone was off to bed anyways, so to make a long story short, u/BPDw was able to use this as a means to try and initiate recycle, due to environment of “neutrality” created by the presence of my S27, I may have given a little, maybe;… I was cordial, and I used a little SET, and some well-placed (vetted) validation, no blame, no defense/defiance, I just took it in real easy… but that said; I have not forgotten, as I said, I said nothing in any way of JADE, or to speak of my hearts feelings of the previous day’s events… I kept it “cool”… I let it all go, but not forgotten, what happened happened, and is now part of the “written record” in my brain housing group.

Formflier wrote: How does this inform you as you evaluate boundaries and boundary enforcement?

Answer: I managed to hold my boundaries, and not JADE, as well participate in third party conversations during the evening, u/BPDw was also guarding herself, as I could tell, which is a good thing I think, these incidents of rage/dysregulation do come and go, cycle up and then back down… mostly I believe due to my S27 coming by last evening,

It was very quiet, and I did not push~pull, or indicate anything other than "I'm tired", and "after this television show is off, I am going to retire for the evening, big to do at work in the AM, and S31sn needs to go to bed too", I continued, “is there anything else I can get for you (kitchen)… I am glad you spoke to your mum (FOO)… I continued to speak to her about her FOO mum, .“it is what is it, best to just let her do what she is going to do, it’s your choice whether or not to become involved in this new development,”… this bought me some more time, and diversion, and she then went to bed.

So it was quiet and peaceful, nothing other than idle talk, nothing end of the world, ie' "logistics" only.

I managed to steer through the minefield without “touching one off”…

I am still standing on the last straw, and my heart/gut tells me this respite is only temporary until something else shows up on her radar and sets her off.

A side note: As I wrote, she did speak with her FOO mother and "apologized" for her reaction to FOO mother (my MIL) marrying her long time BF she has had since her (MIL’s late H) FOO father passed away several years ago, .a long story there, FOO family drama... .and you know, this may have been the Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) event that set her off to begin with, as do know; a pw/pbd does have lots of problems processing negative feelings, we know as "black & white", & "all or nothing"... .the whole world is out to get me etc' etc' ect'... .

The morning was also peaceful, so I may have silently consented to recycle, as we used to say in the service, “silence is consent”… she has called me two times here at work so far, to ask questions about; of ALL things... .outdoor power equipment operation ()…

A new day, more “source data “ has been collected; and the checklist has been re-written again, as that’s how it goes in the “operational world” yes !/?… so now, a few more changes to procedures, and the addition of more WARNINGS, CAUTIONS & NOTES…

But as I wrote, things are different now for me, there has been a "shift in the force", and I feel obliged to not let these feelings pass away, there is going to be some accountability for me, the way I will handle her BPD feelings/actions from here "hence forth".

Learn something new everyday do we not !

Trick is to really learn it, and implement these newly learnt things, and to NOT re-learn these lessons the hard way again... .

Upward and onward... .

Red5

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“We are so used to our own history, we do not see it as remarkable or out of the ordinary, whereas others might see it as horrendous. Further, we tend to minimize that which we feel shameful about.” {Quote} Patrick J. Carnes / author,
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« Reply #26 on: February 22, 2018, 10:16:40 AM »

Red5,
It sounds like you're doing well holding you own and not falling prey to the current temporary peace offerings.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) What's happening today?
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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« Reply #27 on: February 22, 2018, 03:21:18 PM »

Red5,
It sounds like you're doing well holding you own and not falling prey to the current temporary peace offerings.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) What's happening today?
Hello Cat ! ,

Today has also been quiet, things are calm once again, .for now, not feeling anything coming my way from u/bpw today so far... .

Although last evening, as we were talking, after I'd gotten home from work, I had mentioned a few things, and as we were going over what had transpired in her day, and mine (I was playing the listener part)... .continuing, had transpired with her FOO mother, and two other sisters, she did begin to dysregulate some, .but not at me, but to her FOO... .then I said something about MIL's, and I immediately picked up her search sonar "ping" coming my way, and she started to say something about how I had interacted with so and so before, and I knew this was a trap... .and I managed to dodge... .

She seems really bent outa shape that FOO mum has remarried, .(?)... .none of my business really, but she is acting like a teenage girl slighted/spited about it... .long story to explain why, .both parties are into their seventies and eighties, .so I really don't understand why u/BPDw is hanging onto this, .who knows !

Back to our evening, ."sonar pinging closer"... .I said, you know, its been a long day, sounds like we are both pretty tired, and I really don't want to dissect, and or try to process this pattern of conversation right now, as I am really brain dead right now from work, so if you'd like to talk more later about what's going on, and how you are feeling about it (FOO), then lets set aside some time perhaps tomorrow as I am off work, (I channeled our good friend formflier [smiles])... .so she took that, and she stopped, and I "found" something else to go do poste haste, ie' my S31sn has a new model steam engine locomotive, so I went into the kitchen with him, and made my escape, and she went off to take her evening shower

She even made supper for us all later !... .and went to bed early.

Its about time to leave work and go home now... .I have gotten several cell calls from her today, about this and that and the other, mostly "logistical stuff"... .and verification of notifications in regards to S31sn's (vocational program) school day... .so we'll see how the next twenty four hours go eh'... .and then the next forty eight after that... .sometime sits day to day, and hour to hour... .

Like I said, things are different for me now, my feelings have most deff changed... .I seem much more settled into my caretaker role more now, and the romantic spark has become "grounded out" it seems... .and I don't see it coming back... .she is "just there" to me now.

As I was driving into work this morning, tooling down the highway, listening to my tunes, I heard an old Tom Petty tune, I ain't heard in quite a while... .and I hit the "play again button" several times before I had to come into the office, here are the lyrics, they kinda describes my present feelings pretty well... .I will share !

This one's for me, this one's for me
Not for anyone else, I need it you see
I threw all I had into the sea
Now I want a little back, this one's for me

Lover I found the mistakes I've made
Will follow me down into my grave
So much has gone by, so many to please
Well this one I'll keep, this one's for me

And you don't even know what you got
'Til it's walking away
Yeah, you don't even know what you had
'Til it laughs in your face

Some other time, some other day
We'll sing this again some other way
So much has gone by, don't know where to start
Well this one I'll keep here in my heart

And you don't even know what you want
'Til it's walking away
Yeah, you don't even know what you had
'Til it laughs in your face

This one's for me, this one's for me
Not for anyone else, I need it you see
I threw all I had into the sea
Now I want a little back, this one's for me

Red5
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“We are so used to our own history, we do not see it as remarkable or out of the ordinary, whereas others might see it as horrendous. Further, we tend to minimize that which we feel shameful about.” {Quote} Patrick J. Carnes / author,
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« Reply #28 on: February 27, 2018, 07:14:39 PM »

i am new to this site. but I just read your feed. I too have had to flee on numerous occasions ... .and end up somewhere , often sleeping in my car. or driving far away muttering to myself.    I guess i just don't understand exactly why i stay or have come back ... .wishful thinking, magic thinking... .it will get better if i can express my feelings. but my feelings don't matter.    just adds something that can be used against me.   so yeah. the anguish is real and constant. and in the end ... .I guess there is no choice. not really.  the choice is : stay and be abused by an irrational person who cannot apologize ... .or leave and leave that person to their own misery. and gain some happiness in the time remaining in my life... .a shrink one said to me " marriage is not a correctional institution"   never understood that exactly but i think it means - if someone thinks i suck that badly but still wants me to be around to badger or get to do things for them, they can find someone else.
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