Do I te'll my husband I'm leaving?

[Thia]

I have been married to my husband for over 10 years. It's been a roller coaster ride to say the least. I started 16 months ago to research about what was wrong with me in the relationship. I stumbled on narcissism-he seemed to fit the criteria. Then I started therapy about 5 weeks ago. The therapist asked me if he seemed to be empathetic. I said "yes, thats the funny thing. Narcissist are not empathic". The therapist handed me the book "walking on eggshells. I read the book like it was the bible. I could not believe how fit our relationship so perfectly. However, I would say he is a "high functioning" borderline as he functions extremely well outside the relationship, his job etc. I knew of mental disorders and mental illness but never truly knew about them. I was clueless to all of this. Boy, was I in for an awakening!  I have decided to leave. I started working on my plans months ago. There have been no affairs, gambling, alcoholism or any of that sort of thing in the relationship. Just his emotional abuse and rages and of course,I not understanding what was going on because of my enabling and empathic/codependant personality (which I have been working on for months and making great progress in my personal healing journey). He refuses any help whatsoever. But he ignores our problems and senses/sees my changes and is love-bombing again. My plans are to move out while he is on a trip with his son the week of April 1st. My question is; when should i tell him i am leaving? Should i even tell him? I hate sneaking like this but i am afraid of the consequences if i tell him now. Or even a couple weeks before. I have never told him anything like this so I have no idea how he will react. Our children are grown, No children together. 

[Mutt]

Hi Thia,



Id like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m glad that you have found us ten years is a long time. You might get mixed feedback but it’s your choice with want you want to do in your situation. The first that comes to mind is is he dangerous? I’m just thinking about your safety. My exFIL  left my exMIL just like you described he put up with a lot for years he just moved all of his stuff and went no contact he seems to be doing a lot better these days.

You have a right to be happy in this idealization or live bombing can’t repair a r/s it’s too shalllw for that. I’ve read posts from past members that have done something similar let’s see what senior members say.

[lostdorothy]

Hi This,
Welcome to the board. I am so sorry that you are here.
I was in the same situation as you. My UBPDH was high functioning for several years and then escalated during the past few years.
I left but did not tell him I was leaving. It worked out because he had a strange psychotic episode I guess you would call it. That was enough for me. I just didn't go home. The episodes were so scary that I was very afraid at this point.
If your husband is at all violent I would not tell him just in case he really goes off of the deep end. But, I just want to warn you things will be bad either way. If your husband in fact has BPD when you leave it will trigger him because of his abandonment fears. Things will get very intense and extremely terrifying. At least thats how it was for me. I have PTSD from the things that happened when I left.
But, you know in your heart what you have to do to save yourself. Nothing worth while comes easy.
Godspeed to you friend. Make sure to use this site for comfort, it has helped me tremendously.

[Mutt]

Did you give it more thought Thia?

[Speck]

Hello, Thia.  I'd like to join Mutt and lostdorothy in welcoming you to bpdfamily. 

It sounds like you are going through a very scary time right now.  I'm sorry for what brought you here, but I'm glad you've found us.

I don't know if you've had a chance to see this site article, but I think that you may find it helpful:

Leaving A Partner with Borderline Personality

We help and support each other here.  If there's anything more you need to get off your chest, please do not hesitate to pop in.  We're always open.

Stay safe.


-Speck

[AskingWhy]

pwBPD also have a problem with empathy.  My uBPD/uNPD H is situationally empathetic, such as matters regarding his adult children.  With me, there is neither empathy nor sympathy.  Or if I get sympathy, he will split and start raging at me.  One time he did this after I had a medical procedure and could not drive.  He raged and left the car in the middle of traffic and walked off, leaving me frantic and disabled in the passenger seat.

BPD and NPD can be co-morbid, or exist in the same person.

For that reason, I recommend the book, "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder."  It is coauthored by Randi Kreger, who wrote the eggshells book.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=47078.0

I agree with lostdorothy that you might not want to express your intention to divorce until you have a good lawyer lined up and an escape plan in case your H rages out of control.  

I wish you the very best.  Stay strong.  

[Thia]

New on this site so I am confused with the navigation but learning.
 
Thank you all for your wonderful advice and support! This is an amazing site with many tools I have already utilized. And I am doing ok, have quite a circle of friends that support me so I am truly not alone on this.

Valentine's Day last week I got up to my table full of flowers, candy, favorite wine. I was courteous and wrote a nice thank you note but as I went to work that morning (he works 2nd shift I work 1st thank God) I was numb. I didnt know why but i I had several crying episodes. A couple days after that I felt so down I took the test for depression on this sight and scored between mild and medium. I had just taken the test 2 weeks before with my therapist and depression wasn't an issue. Yesterday he actually told me he wants to "take himself out" after he got up in the morning and he seemed in one of his "down" moods.  Hes never said this before. I had asked him what was wrong. I do my best to "lay low" but the conflicts are always about trivial things of day to day life.  I use to much dish detergent, I want extra shrimp on my skewer, I am controlling because I want an egg with my pancakes?   It's always a major crying/pouting/rage episode for him. Triggers for him seem to be just communicating about daily activities of living. (I moved his cup to the sink, the heat is to low/high etc.) These are all things extremely hard to stop doing. And its opportunity for him to belittle or criticize.  All making me feel insane. And it's all getting worse because I believe he senses I'm leaving.  
I do not plan on telling him I'm leaving before I leave. If he is triggered by those things above what will he do when I tell him I'm leaving? Today he is happy as if nothing has happened. Nothing is ever discussed or acknowledged. I am detaching and its so hard. I'm starting to feel sick and I feel like I'm  drowning.
I will lose my huge flower gardens i dearly love (I'm a master gardener) the financial security (However that has been compromised at times because of his spending binges almost losing our home etc.)
Only a little over a month to go. My 3 son's are very supportive. Considering everything I am very fortunate. And everyone, including family and friends tell me if anyone can do this I can. Keeping my friends and family -That's (at least) one thing I've always stood my ground. Even if it has been on a secretive level.
Thanks for reading I love the support. Best of luck to all of you as well!

[Thia]

For that reason, I recommend the book, "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder."  It is coauthored by Randi Kreger, who wrote the eggshells book.

Thank you. I'm going to get it. Sounds perfect

[Mutt]

New on this site so I am confused with the navigation but learning.

We have a FAQ here to help navigate the site you can PM staff members on the marquee https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=3.0

I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time like this it's so depressing when our pwBPD are stuck on shallow details and are not thinking about or validating our needs i  It sounds like you have put some positive things into place, you're reading books on BPD, you joined a support group, you're talking to a T and you're reaching to family and friends. Hang in there.