Do they ever feel inner peace?

[tiki]

Do they ever experience inner peace? Even just for a few minutes or a little while? It’s my understanding that they do not?

[TheTruth]

Do they ever experience inner peace? Even just for a few minutes or a little while? It’s my understanding that they do not?

I'm just learning, but I think that is one of the characteristics of the disorder. They do not know peace because they are in constant inner turmoil. That's what I noticed,
In my case anyway

[heartandwhole]

Hi tiki,

Was it your experience that your partner never felt inner peace?

I think the pwBPD I was in relationship with did. It certainly seemed to be the case, and he even wrote about it. Who knows what’s true, but I believe he had his moments.

We definitely can’t paint all people with BPD/traits with the same brush. Although we can notice patterns that seem to repeat in many situations, each person is unique.

heartandwhole

[tiki]

Hi tiki,

Was it your experience that your partner never felt inner peace?

I think the pwBPD I was in relationship with did. It certainly seemed to be the case, and he even wrote about it. Who knows what’s true, but I believe he had his moments.

We definitely can’t paint all people with BPD/traits with the same brush. Although we can notice patterns that seem to repeat in many situations, each person is unique.

heartandwhole

Hi. Yes, I agree. It is wrong to generalize. I was just curious.
My person said they did not.

[heartandwhole]

My person said they did not.

That's very difficult, and I don't think it's rare. When you look at the criteria for the diagnosis of BPD, anyone who experienced several of the symptoms would likely be feeling the opposite of peaceful much of the time.

Did your person try to get support in managing his emotions?

heartandwhole

[The Cat in d Hat]

Mine actually told me she never felt at peace, constant flux. I had initially attributed it to her hefty work and study schedule but eventually saw she was always in storm of thoughts, and eventually began to say thinking about me all the time was adding this vortex.

I can imagine thats definitely true, since they have so many issues, combine that with their lives, and juggling partners and others, how can there ever be a time of relaxation.

my story:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?PHPSESSID=211523845842f0029aec5faeafee7508&topic=321313.10#top

[enlighten me]

From my experience they do have moments of peace but they are fleeting. They have times when everything is going well and they are enjoying it and not thinking about what could go wrong. I believe we see this in the honeymoon phase. Not the very beginning as there are still doubts but just past that when idolisation is at its highest. We don't notice when the honeymoon phase is starting to deteriorate and it probably begins well before we see the first cracks. A bit like a dam that weakens then cracks then bursts.

Its not just the honeymoon phase of relationships. It could be something as simple as watching a movie where they don't have to think about their own lives and get lost in the film.

[Aiko]

My experience was that she did, but it always appeared connected to our relationship or me. IOW, if we were is a good groove she was content, if I had a bad day at work or didn't want to do something, of Heaven forbid, do something without her, she was a wreck. Also, her family issues or her work issues always seemed to get to her more than what was normal to me. And if I didn't ease her mind, she was a wreck.  I saw it manifest in other ways also, like her constant ailments, often a headache or whatever else was bothering her.  Lastly, medication was a big deal, prescription meds to get moving in the morning and a different one to sleep at night. I didn't learn about this near habit until a year into our relationship.  Tell tale sign of lack of inner peace, and or the ability to find it.

[SWLSR]

The odds are most will not however it is possible some will.  I do not know if mine has because I do not wish to find out.  However I hope she does.

[araneina]

My ex (undiagnosed) told me once that the only time he ever felt truly and completely happy was when he was playing his guitar and making music.  He said his music was his therapy, and it had saved his life in the past.  I remember at the time feeling somewhat slighted, as though he were saying that he was never really happy with me.  But you know... .looking back, I think he was being honest.  One of our frequent "dates" was him sitting in his living room playing and me listening, and I really feel those were the only moments where he seemed totally relaxed and at ease.

[Duped 1]

I don't think she felt inner peace very often and it didn't last long if she did. She seemed to be very uncomfortable if things were peaceful and needed to create conflict or chaos for no apparent reason. It was insanity.

[enlighten me]

I don't think she felt inner peace very often and it didn't last long if she did. She seemed to be very uncomfortable if things were peaceful and needed to create conflict or chaos for no apparent reason. It was insanity.

That's because when things are going along without a problem they have time to reflect and they don't like what they see. Its when they don't have time to reflect when they can have moments of inner peace.

[In a bad way]

I don't think she felt inner peace very often and it didn't last long if she did. She seemed to be very uncomfortable if things were peaceful and needed to create conflict or chaos for no apparent reason. It was insanity.

I was convinced mine was addicted to confrontation long before I had heard of BPD, I thought at first it was because all her ex's were as bad as she said and arguments were what she was used to.
It was like a nightcap to her, have a great night, never mind a cup of cocoa or whatever she had to cause an argument to round it off.

[Duped 1]

That's because when things are going along without a problem they have time to reflect and they don't like what they see. Its when they don't have time to reflect when they can have moments of inner peace.

Don't like what they see in regard to themselves?

[Duped 1]

I was convinced mine was addicted to confrontation long before I had heard of BPD, I thought at first it was because all her ex's were as bad as she said and arguments were what she was used to.
It was like a nightcap to her, have a great night, never mind a cup of cocoa or whatever she had to cause an argument to round it off.

I can so relate. She started stuff at least several times a week. Most of the stuff she started fights about were things most people wouldn't even blink about. I used to tell her that I was ok if she had an issue with me but it would be nice  if she actually had a reason to fight

[enlighten me]

Don't like what they see in regard to themselves?

Their life choices, their behaviour and who they feel they are.

[In a bad way]

   I can so relate. She started stuff at least several times a week. Most of the stuff she started fights about were things most people wouldn't even blink about. I used to tell her that I was ok if she had an issue with me but it would be nice  if she actually had a reason to fight           

Exactly, mine didn't need a reason she would start over the craziest things. We were laughing at a TV show we watched every week, the next thing I know she  asks me why I'm laughing at it, I told her because it's funny, then she tells me I'm only pretending to think it's funny and I don't really like it, then all hell ensues as you can imagine leaving me sat there thinking What the heck.
That's just one of so many pathetic arguments she started while we were having a good night, you see she would find ANYTHING to start a row over, I didn't need to have done anything.
It mostly went like this, I clean up, cook a meal, we eat the meal, we have a laugh for an hour or two, she starts an argument and ruins the evening.

[enlighten me]

Exactly, mine didn't need a reason she would start over the craziest things. We were laughing at a TV show we watched every week, the next thing I know she  asks me why I'm laughing at it, I told her because it's funny, then she tells me I'm only pretending to think it's funny and I don't really like it, then all hell ensues as you can imagine leaving me sat there thinking What the heck.
That's just one of so many pathetic arguments she started while we were having a good night, you see she would find ANYTHING to start a row over, I didn't need to have done anything.
It mostly went like this, I clean up, cook a meal, we eat the meal, we have a laugh for an hour or two, she starts an argument and ruins the evening.

I witnessed this myself. At first it was confusing but now it kind of makes sense. I've read a lot on BPD sites and picked apart my two uBPD relationships. I wouldn't say I'm an expert and sometimes its hard for me to put into words my intuition of what is actually going on.

The nice normal day that blows up for no reason (from a BPD perspective). This is only an assumption based on my own research but I think it goes something like this.

He/ she's cleaned the house how sweet ( do they think I'm lazy? No they're just being nice)

They've cooked dinner how thoughtful ( don't they like my cooking/ do they think I'm not capable of cooking? No theyre just being nice)

I like watching TV with them. Mind starts to wander. Why are they being so nice? Are they really nice or is it just they don't think I'm capable? Do they really like what were watching or are they just humouring me? I know I mirror people and pretend to like stuff but are they doing it to me. If they're being nice then I don't deserve it. I'm a bad person, I do bad things and don't deserve them being nice.

Boom then they erupt.

Maybe not accurate but its kind of how I see it playing out.

[StillGoing97]

My impression has always been that moments of calmness occur, but are short-lived. I mean, I've known a few BPD people in my life and most of them seemed to have the occasional 'okay' stage, but would very quickly find themselves in a bad situation, financial strife, impulsive behaviour or a tempestuous relationship again. I don't think they register calmness. My mother, who has lots of BPD traits, is always needing to focus on things, do housework, and vent/rant about her job and the people she's in conflict with there. This is all while bemoaning how little relaxation time she has. No matter what, she'll never take a real prolonged break. Just keep up her workload and complain about it and how no one helps her (very untrue).

[TurbanCowboy]

I witnessed this myself. At first it was confusing but now it kind of makes sense. I've read a lot on BPD sites and picked apart my two uBPD relationships. I wouldn't say I'm an expert and sometimes its hard for me to put into words my intuition of what is actually going on.

The nice normal day that blows up for no reason (from a BPD perspective). This is only an assumption based on my own research but I think it goes something like this.

He/ she's cleaned the house how sweet ( do they think I'm lazy? No they're just being nice)

They've cooked dinner how thoughtful ( don't they like my cooking/ do they think I'm not capable of cooking? No theyre just being nice)

I like watching TV with them. Mind starts to wander. Why are they being so nice? Are they really nice or is it just they don't think I'm capable? Do they really like what were watching or are they just humouring me? I know I mirror people and pretend to like stuff but are they doing it to me. If they're being nice then I don't deserve it. I'm a bad person, I do bad things and don't deserve them being nice.

Boom then they erupt.

Maybe not accurate but its kind of how I see it playing out.

You know how many fights I got into because she questioned if I did things because I felt like I had to not because I wanted to?

Heaven forbid I ever use the word “try” when it came to anything with the relationship?  “Oh you’re trying? I’m so glad you’re trying. Never mind then, you’re just trying.”

You think I could get away with that kind of petty insecurity with her? Please.

EXHAUSTING

[gearshifted]

You know how many fights I got into because she questioned if I did things because I felt like I had to not because I wanted to?

Heaven forbid I ever use the word “try” when it came to anything with the relationship?  “Oh you’re trying? I’m so glad you’re trying. Never mind then, you’re just trying.”

You think I could get away with that kind of petty insecurity with her? Please.

EXHAUSTING

Oh man, I can really sympathize with you on this one! My ex's trigger used to be when I would say "Sure" to her asking if I wanted to do something. To her, "Sure" meant "Well, I don't really want to do this, but if you are going to force me under duress, I guess I will go." when it really it just meant "Yes" or "That's cool with me".

[TurbanCowboy]

Oh man, I can really sympathize with you on this one! My ex's trigger used to be when I would say "Sure" to her asking if I wanted to do something. To her, "Sure" meant "Well, I don't really want to do this, but if you are going to force me under duress, I guess I will go." when it really it just meant "Yes" or "That's cool with me".

Haha! I used to say “sure” all the time too and she hated it!

[gearshifted]

Haha! I used to say “sure” all the time too and she hated it!

Ever have a fight with her about having sex with her being mad because you supposedly don't want to have sex even though you actually DID want to have sex?

[TurbanCowboy]

I’m sure I did, but nothing stands out. 

I told my wife for years she spends too much time reading into things and would rarely if ever give me the benefit of the doubt.

Whichever way she could interpret something that would make me a bad guy, that’s how she would interpret it.

Now that I know about BPD and have read girls with BPD explain how their mind can work, it makes so much sense now.

He made dinner. When was the last time I made dinner? I don’t cook anymore. He doesn’t let me cook anymore. He must hate my cooking. He thinks I’m a lousy wife.

I used to question her logic all the time.  How she came to certain conclusions just boggled my mind.

[In a bad way]

I not only cooked for us I cooked for her kids, I took them places I bought them things and I helped them with their homework.
 A few times after spending time with them with their homework then after they had gone to bed she would say "you hate my effing kids you effing ass"
Completely out of nowhere, no reason for it, I tried to explain why would I do all these things if I hated them?
It was lunacy to be honest.
How do you deal with that? I tried to reason and reassure but she was completely off her head.
She is / was insane, those crazy unfounded outbursts of rage and starting arguments when there was nothing to argue about.
I still think she either had some weird addiction to arguments or like I told her she had lived with people where arguments were the norm so she thinks it's the norm.

[araneina]

My impression has always been that moments of calmness occur, but are short-lived. I mean, I've known a few BPD people in my life and most of them seemed to have the occasional 'okay' stage, but would very quickly find themselves in a bad situation, financial strife, impulsive behaviour or a tempestuous relationship again. I don't think they register calmness. My mother, who has lots of BPD traits, is always needing to focus on things, do housework, and vent/rant about her job and the people she's in conflict with there. This is all while bemoaning how little relaxation time she has. No matter what, she'll never take a real prolonged break. Just keep up her workload and complain about it and how no one helps her (very untrue).

I agree with this.  When I met my ex he told me several months later that around the time we met was "the happiest he'd been in years."  I can't believe he fell apart so quickly in such a short amount of time.  To me that implies his happiness is fragile.  I'm sure our relationship contributed to his downfall but ... .it didn't have to.  He just made it that way. My ex also ___ed about how much he worked, but I swear that he put it on himself.  He refused to ask anyone for help, insisted he was the only one capable (he managed a paint store for god's sake... .it's not rocket science).  I tried to be as understanding as possible but near the end of things there were times where I'd actually hold my phone away from my ear because I was so tired of hearing him gripe.

[Lalathegreat]

Such a good thread guys! I'm over here nodding my head to soo many of these posts!

I think mine had peace for short periods, generally during honeymoon periods of relationships or when he was completely enmeshed in a favorite hobby. But as for any kind of long term SUSTAINED peace? Oh heck no.

But oh my gosh - not responding enthusiastically enough to his suggestions? HUGE trigger. Constantly thinking that my "doing" of anything (cooking, housework, anything for his son) meant that I was implying he was lazy or incapable? OH YEAH. Hugely triggering for him. Starting arguments out of nothing to make SURE nothing could be peaceful? Ummm, yup!

Once we passed the honeymoon there was very little peace ever. It was like everything, even the simplest interactions were armed and ready to go off at the smallest provocation. CONSTANT drama. CONSTANT arguments. CONSTANT. Not only did HE never have peace, *I* never had peace when I was with him! Or heck, even without him. I was so constantly focused on him that my whole world became "Why can't I fix that, what did I do, what can I do differently?"

7 months out and relishing the relief I feel every day when I know something would have triggered him but I also know that there is no assault coming... .

Lala

[ortac77]

Such a good thread guys! I'm over here nodding my head to soo many of these posts!



 Not only did HE never have peace, *I* never had peace when I was with him! Or heck, even without him. I was so constantly focused on him that my whole world became "Why can't I fix that, what did I do, what can I do differently?"

Yup - think thats where I am at the moment - I don't think my pwBPD has inner peace or if so it is fleeting, in fact drama is his constant companion and if its not with me then it is with someone else or himself. After 13 years of it I am tired and exhausted by it and coming to realise that any effort on my part to 'fix things' is pointless - a lightbulb moment I think - the only time I experience peace is when I am away from him.

I am attending a self compassion mindfulness retreat this weekend and I need it desperately :-)