If you have a BPD sibling, please don't hesitate to introduce yourself

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone  

I joined this forum because I need to know that I am not the problem 100% of the time, I also need to talk with others who live life with a BPD sibling.  Things are always so difficult, I wanted to have some support.  My family lives in constant fear of my sister, and I really need to bounce things off of smart people with more experience than myself.  If you have a BPD sibling, please don't hesitate to introduce yourself - I'm so sorry for what you have endured.

[stormy seas]

Hi everyone  

I joined this forum because I need to know that I am not the problem 100% of the time, I also need to talk with others who live life with a BPD sibling.  Things are always so difficult, I wanted to have some support.  My family lives in constant fear of my sister, and I really need to bounce things off of smart people with more experience than myself.  If you have a BPD sibling, please don't hesitate to introduce yourself - I'm so sorry for what you have endured.

[Sevely]

Hi Stormy Seas 

Welcome! I just joined, too. Thanks for your comment on my post. I'm sorry about what you're going through. Please, feel free to send me a PM. I moved out because of my brother's behavior four years ago, and my current stage of healing from the experience is a little tough at the moment, but I've already experienced a lot of growth and recovery. Some wonderful people came alongside me during my experiences and helped me take care of myself and navigate tough situations. I'd love to offer anything that I can from my experiences that might be helpful to you.

-Sevely

[LeneLu]

Hi Stormy Seas,

I have a uBPD sister who is the middle child of three, five years older than me, single with no kids. I believe she experienced my birth as abandonment by my mother. I have had to go no contact (NC) with her.

For years I have felt like I was crazy, because her reactions to things were so disproportionate, random and just plain mean.  I wanted to just extricate myself from her, but didn't know how (despite building boundaries she just crashed thru.) This site has helped me realize that she is the one with the problem (although she says I am) and actually helped me look back on interactions and start to recognize what was going on (lots of projection, learned helplessness, demands, bullying, etc).  When I start to falter on my NC, I come back and read posts and gain some perspective. You will read stories here and think, "Is this person reading my mind?"

What I struggle with most is resolution and advancement.  How do I achieve resolution with her? How do I move this situation past NC to the next step? I can't tell her she is BPD.  I can't give in now either (I have come to far). I can't get my family to engage. They don't want to, understandably (and I am lucky that they actually do recognize that she is difficult... .the problem is that I have been conditioned by her over the years and have had my own situations where my conditioned response makes me appear "difficult".  So my current impass with her just looks like squabbling to some family members.)  I am not looking to control the situation, but I can't even influence it at this point.  It is frustrating.

If I thought I could actually get through the rest of my life without ever seeing her, I would be fine with that (not happy, but accepting).  But the reality is that we have parents we both love and want to spend time with along with other family members.  I will have to see her at some point.  And if her last venomous email to me was any indication, it won't be pretty.

LeenLou

[Nancabell]

Hello everyone, I also am new to this forum. I also have a BPD sister who has controlled me and my family my entire life. I have watched my parents enable her all of my life, my Father who passed away always tried to set boundaries with her, but as she would turn up the volume my Mother would convince my Father to just give her what she wanted, usually money, but also several cars and even bought her a house once. Now my sister is being forced to move out of my Mothers house as she will be moving into a sensor living home (I am my Mothers guardian) she had a stroke and is 84. Lets just say she is raging at loosing her free ride and demanding to see my Mothers Will to make sure she gets $$$. Oh and she is FURIOUS that I am the executor of everything. I have cut off contact with her since her last rage at me in December... .this is hard... .and it is not fair. I am exhausted, I could write a book about all I have gone through. Thanks to my counselor I am starting to take my life back. I am so glad to find a place to learn more about BPD, thanks to all.

[baylady]

I was here several years ago due to uBPD (as far as I know) sis and recently came back after receiving a bullying email that was full of FOG.  I have been mostly NC for several years.  My parents also enable her, and I have also been guilty of doing it in the past.  I am currently seeing a therapist to understand my part in the dynamic of my family; learn how to set boundaries; and change how I react to my sis, as well as my parents.  She was estranged with them for many years, but recently reconciled with them.  They now feel we should just "all get along."  I can't.  uBPDsis has said and done some horrific things not just to me, but to my adult children.  My parents are in the 80's and need a relationship with her.  That is fine with me, but I can't deal with her to make them happy. 

[LeneLu]

My parents are in the 80's and need a relationship with her.  That is fine with me, but I can't deal with her to make them happy. 

I struggle with this, too.  Where does my parents' happiness end and mine begin?  I would never want someone to endure ill-treatment just to make me happy.  I would never want my child to be treated this way by anyone, even a sibling.  If my husband treated me the way my sister does, they would tell me to leave him.  Why is there such a blind spot?  Is it guilt?

Leenlou

[baylady]

I think guilt and fear.  Fear that she will react badly to something, stomp off and stop speaking to them again.

[YouHadMeAtHello]

Hello Everyone!

I also recently joined and I have a BPD sister.  I'm the oldest, middle sister is BPD and we have a younger sister.  My BPD sister is a little unusual in that she typically turns her hurt inward instead of showing any anger.  Of course she'll say hurtful things, too, but usually she is more about controlling people through guilt.  Recently she started cutting and was talking about suicide more and more.  She was hospitalized earlier this week. 

It's a tough road.  I love my sister, but she is so emotionally draining.  She's just a black hole of need.  For many years I've been asked to put my hurt and feelings aside because "that's just how she is."  Recently though, I realized that I don't need to do that.  Doing it has never once made BPD sister any better, anyway.  At best it was a temporary band aid. 

I'm sad she's in a hospital, but I'm also relieved and feel like that was inevitable.  I hope she can get some real treatment so she has a shot at a happy life. 

[Furbaby Mom]

Hey!
I am in a slightly different situation with two sisters-in-law with symptoms.  I have been in their lives for four years.  The older of the two sisters is actually diagnosed while the other has symptoms, but displays more narcissism.  When I first started dating my now husband, the older of the sisters was incarcerated.  She was a topic that we rarely spoke about until she requested I visit her in prison.  I didn't know what to think really other than that my husband loves her, but that she has been through a lot and put the family through a lot.
Some of her past includes extensive drug use (heroine) to the point where she got involved in retail theft to get money for the drugs.  She was married at 17, two kids by 21, then lost custody of the two kids before she was 25.  My husband has not seen his niece or nephew in many years since they got adopted by a family. 
Family background: my husband and that particular sister are full siblings.  Their parents had a terrible relationship (my suspicion is that MIL also has BPD... .I have seen many traits).  They broke up and got back together as in weddings and divorces three times.  The mother always seems to have an "in" with that sister, the father does not. 
Our experience with no contact has been really tricky.  My FIL has made it clear that he is okay with whatever relationship we want with her.  My FIL and his wife are on NC with that sister due to many things happening recently.  My MIL however is very upset that we are not speaking with her, but she also enjoys having us to herself (again BPD traits... .she disapproves of our connection with the father but at least her other child doesn't have a connection now). 
This world... .this journey has been horrendous.  My experience of entering a family with this type of mental disorder has been nothing but painful.  I have been placed on the black list many times as I am an easy target.  My husband is always the god in their minds as he is successful and believes most of their crap... .until I intervene.  After discovering BPD and this site, it has opened up more discussions between my husband and I as well as my FIL and Step mother in law. 
I use this site to vent, to get advice before I have to see any of them, and to read.  The reading is most therapeutic because I find comfort that I am not alone. 
MANY MANY times I get sucked into their narratives of me, of my relationships, of my career, etc.  When you get sucked in, all of the sudden you lose perspective.  It is a true mental disorder.  It is one of the most difficult disorders to manage (I am a licensed therapist and have ZERO control when I have to meet with them).  Welcome to the group and please reach out if any of my story touches you.

[jnssbc202]

Hi. I recently joined bpdfamily. My BPDsis is the middle child. I am older than her by 14 months. We have a younger sister who is about 5.5 years younger than me. My BPDsis was diagnosed with BPD in 1999/2000 but never told anyone but our youngest sister. I figured out my BPDsis' diagnosis and received confirmation from my own therapist as well my youngest sister a couple of years ago. In 1999/2000 I was the target of my BPDsis' rage. I took it from her back then - in large part because of my own struggles and my parents' constant enabling and "but she's sick, forgive her" speech. My BPDsis got better and we had a strong relationship again for a few years but she's back at it again. I am her target again, though she isn't being so kind to my parents and other sister either. I came on here to share some more recent struggles with my BPDsis and to give an update, but found this thread first. I am at work trying to hold back the tears from reading the comments on here. Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone here. This is so difficult and painful and many people who don't have a BPDsis, as well as family members, think I am being "difficult" or "just need to let it go" when really I am trying my best here to stay afloat while honoring my integrity and self-worth. Sending you all vibes for healing and strength.

[stormy seas]

I was here several years ago due to uBPD (as far as I know) sis and recently came back after receiving a bullying email that was full of FOG.

Kinda new at all this - what is FOG? I understand from the context but don't know what it means

[downtroddensis]

I’m new to this forum. I have a uBPD sis. Our father passed away in November and I am executor. Our dad has supported my sis financially and she’s lashing out at me because now she’s on her own. Of course all her problems are my fault. I have been her victim more than our other siblings our entire lives. even though our other siblings will laugh about her odd behaviors, no one is devastated by it like I am. Her latest trick was to call me and curse out me, my husband and my children, claiming we did not love my father. She doing this because she wants his house, though she can’t see it that clearly. I want to know if it will ever end. I’m so angry. She has no right to do this to me!

[Pina colada]

My sister has BPD/NPD traits and is just plain toxic.  She has abused most of her FOO and they wanted little to do with her.  She abused our mom when she was alive and was horrible to our dad whom passed away in the summer.  She only cared about getting money from him, only visited a day before he passed and didn't attend the funeral.  I am happy to PM with anyone in similar circumstances as it is a hard thing to deal with. 

[My New Normal]

I am in the same situation as everyone else here. My younger sister is undiagnosed (as far as I know) but after reading Walking on Eggshells, I'm sure she is BPD. We have been no contact since last fall when she sent me a string of abusive text messages. My parents are big on staying quiet to keep the peace because upsetting her causes more stress for them. I feel bad about that part, they do recognize how she is but their response is always for me to try and not upset her and to try and be the bigger person. It's exhausting.

I will see her in about a week at a large family gathering and I'm not sure how to handle it. Do I ignore her, or just pretend nothing happened. The last thing I want to do is cause a scene that would ruin the day for everyone else. It's a milestone birthday for an elderly relative and I don't want to distract from her happy day.

[YouHadMeAtHello]

I am in the same situation as everyone else here. My younger sister is undiagnosed (as far as I know) but after reading Walking on Eggshells, I'm sure she is BPD. We have been no contact since last fall when she sent me a string of abusive text messages. My parents are big on staying quiet to keep the peace because upsetting her causes more stress for them. I feel bad about that part, they do recognize how she is but their response is always for me to try and not upset her and to try and be the bigger person. It's exhausting.

I will see her in about a week at a large family gathering and I'm not sure how to handle it. Do I ignore her, or just pretend nothing happened. The last thing I want to do is cause a scene that would ruin the day for everyone else. It's a milestone birthday for an elderly relative and I don't want to distract from her happy day.

Your post is exactly like my life.  My mom originally agreed with me that my sister has BPD.  Then a couple days ago she started in with how it's not BPD, my sister is just a highly sensitive person (HSP).  Whatever.  HSP isn't a disorder, for one thing, and my sister definitely has a disorder because her life is constant chaos due to her behavior.  That's pretty much the definition of a disorder.

Anyway, just like you, My New Normal, I am always being asked to be the bigger person and not to upset my BPD sister.  It is so exhausting and very invalidating.  It's like my feelings just plain don't matter because BPD sister has everyone wrapped around her finger.  It sucks and it makes me really want to distance myself from my entire family.

[Forwardfacing]

Hi, I have a sister who I believe is BOD, but not diagnosed. She has only been diagnosed as suffering from depression and anxiety,  But when I read about BPD and HPD it’s all too familiar. Except that my sister isn’t generally mean, she’s just exhausting. She has emotiaonal breakdowns with ranting and crying. No one understands her, she has the worst problems, and on and on. She tries to pour guilt in us. Everyone else is unfair and she is a victim. In reality, she has much to be grateful for, but she doesn’t see it. My other sister and I are worn out with trying to have a normal relationship. She is desperate for affection, approval, closeness... .and we are desperate for space. We never know when the next meltdown will occur. I am sorry for your troubles. I think it’s very important not to get sucked into the guilt and believing you are to blame. This is a mental illness, and not your fault. I’m still trying to figure out how much of what kind of contact I want. And then how to arrange it.

[baylady]

stormyseas, FOG stands for fear, obligation, and guilt.  It is used to manipulate people.  In the case of BPD, it may not be intentional manipulation, but that is how it feels to the person on the receiving end.  I hope that makes sense. 

[LeneLu]

My newnormal,

 How did your family event go? I'm curious to know is I am in a similar situation and have avoided some family events,  including weddings and not inviting my sister to Christmas. However I can't do that forever and my husband tells me is that it will make my family members feel like my problems with her are more important than they are.

 Anyway, I'm curious to know how it went and I hope that it was smooth.

Leenlou

[My New Normal]

My newnormal,

 How did your family event go? I'm curious to know is I am in a similar situation and have avoided some family events,  including weddings and not inviting my sister to Christmas. However I can't do that forever and my husband tells me is that it will make my family members feel like my problems with her are more important than they are.

 Anyway, I'm curious to know how it went and I hope that it was smooth.

Leenlou

It's not until next weekend. But now it looks like she won't be coming which would be a huge relief.

[My New Normal]

Your post is exactly like my life.  My mom originally agreed with me that my sister has BPD.  Then a couple days ago she started in with how it's not BPD, my sister is just a highly sensitive person (HSP).  Whatever.  HSP isn't a disorder, for one thing, and my sister definitely has a disorder because her life is constant chaos due to her behavior.  That's pretty much the definition of a disorder.

Anyway, just like you, My New Normal, I am always being asked to be the bigger person and not to upset my BPD sister.  It is so exhausting and very invalidating.  It's like my feelings just plain don't matter because BPD sister has everyone wrapped around her finger.  It sucks and it makes me really want to distance myself from my entire family.

I know, it's our punishment for being reasonable people,,, we have to shut up and take the craziness to keep things calm. For years I thought it was my fault that we couldn't get along because no matter what I did, I would eventually upset her. It's sad that I'm well into my 40's now and just figuring it all out.

[YouHadMeAtHello]

I know, it's our punishment for being reasonable people,,, we have to shut up and take the craziness to keep things calm. For years I thought it was my fault that we couldn't get along because no matter what I did, I would eventually upset her. It's sad that I'm well into my 40's now and just figuring it all out.

Yep, the punishment for being reasonable is definitely what it feels like.  Don't feel bad, I'm 36 and just figuring this out, too.  My sister is almost 35 years old.  I always either blamed myself or was blamed by my mom and other sister when BPD sister would lose it.  I was starting to think that I was the crazy one because I basically can barely spend time with BPD sister without something dramatic happening.  But I don't have drama like that with anyone else, so I started thinking that it might not be me. 

I saw BPD sister a couple days ago and she was acting totally normal.  She even seemed happy.  It's so frustrating.  When she's "normal" being around her is nice.  I don't understand why she can control herself some days and not others.  She's so volatile and you never know what will set her off or what version of her we'll get on any given day.

[LeneLu]

You Had Me At Hello and My New Normal,

YUP!  That is exactly how I feel.  Just the other day, my mother acknowledged that my sister has a "problem", but she has to remain neutral in the midst of our no contact stage. 

I have also been accused of "not liking" my sister.  I try to explain that I don't like how she treats me.  But, honestly, that might be a true statement.  However, like You Had Me, there are times when I like her.  It is just hard when she is being critical (of anyone), exercising her learned helplessness or behaving for attention... .basically when her illness is taking over her personality.

[YouHadMeAtHello]

You Had Me At Hello and My New Normal,

YUP!  That is exactly how I feel.  Just the other day, my mother acknowledged that my sister has a "problem", but she has to remain neutral in the midst of our no contact stage. 

I have also been accused of "not liking" my sister.  I try to explain that I don't like how she treats me.  But, honestly, that might be a true statement.  However, like You Had Me, there are times when I like her.  It is just hard when she is being critical (of anyone), exercising her learned helplessness or behaving for attention... .basically when her illness is taking over her personality.

Exactly... .My sister is great when she's the non-BPD version of her.  Lately though, Wow, the attention seeking is just so beyond out of control.  It's really frustrating.  She's about to get married and has been the center of attention for the last year because of that.  Yet, somehow, that's not even enough!  I'm very concerned about what will happen after her wedding.  My mom and other sister both want to take a big step back from her but doing that without her freaking out is not going to be possible.  I've been working on my slow fade for years and it hasn't gone over well so a dramatic, sudden step back is going to send BPD sister into a tailspin.  Plus, when I backed away BPD sister just put the burdens she'd previously put on me onto my mom and our other sister.  So, what will she do if they aren't an option either?  I'm predicting a major sh*t storm and I wish to be far away when it happens. 

I'm also concerned for after the wedding because even normal people experience sadness and can become depressed after their wedding because for a year+ you were so focused on this one event and then, suddenly, it's just over.  The attention stops.  The only task left is thank you cards which aren't super fun.  It is a little depressing for anyone.  I expect it to hit BPD sister harder than it would hit the average person. 

I have to say though, my mom is one of the most frustrating parts of this whole thing.  She knows BPD sister has problems and when she was hospitalized my mom finally seemed motivated to do something about it.  But, it's been a little over 4 weeks since then and my mom's resolve has faded to nothing.  I read a couple books about BPD and even our dad read one.  But, my mom has yet to open a book.  She said she was going to attend a class/support group, but she never did.  And, now she's just downplaying the whole thing as my sister just being more sensitive than normal.  The whole thing pisses me off. 

[Lien]

Hi all,

I'm new to this site, and while I didn't grow up with a sibling with BPD, I recently married (November 2017) into a family and we (my DH and I) believe his sister has BPD. She's his only sister and it has been quite the ride this past year throughout our engagement, wedding and the first few months. Since mid-January she hasn't been speaking to us because we had a discussion with her about our boundaries (explaining that certain things she did/does hurt us, that we understood her feelings however we can't continue letting her act that way towards us). While I hate to see so many people are dealing with similar things to us, it is so wonderful to know we aren't alone!

[Barilla]

Hi Stormy Seas,

I have a uBPD sister who is the middle child of three, five years older than me, single with no kids. I believe she experienced my birth as abandonment by my mother. I have had to go no contact (NC) with her.

For years I have felt like I was crazy, because her reactions to things were so disproportionate, random and just plain mean.  I wanted to just extricate myself from her, but didn't know how (despite building boundaries she just crashed thru.) This site has helped me realize that she is the one with the problem (although she says I am) and actually helped me look back on interactions and start to recognize what was going on (lots of projection, learned helplessness, demands, bullying, etc).  When I start to falter on my NC, I come back and read posts and gain some perspective. You will read stories here and think, "Is this person reading my mind?"

What I struggle with most is resolution and advancement.  How do I achieve resolution with her? How do I move this situation past NC to the next step? I can't tell her she is BPD.  I can't give in now either (I have come to far). I can't get my family to engage. They don't want to, understandably (and I am lucky that they actually do recognize that she is difficult... .the problem is that I have been conditioned by her over the years and have had my own situations where my conditioned response makes me appear "difficult".  So my current impass with her just looks like squabbling to some family members.)  I am not looking to control the situation, but I can't even influence it at this point.  It is frustrating.

If I thought I could actually get through the rest of my life without ever seeing her, I would be fine with that (not happy, but accepting).  But the reality is that we have parents we both love and want to spend time with along with other family members.  I will have to see her at some point.  And if her last venomous email to me was any indication, it won't be pretty.

LeenLou

I have a younger BPD sister, and I relate to a lot of what you said LeenLou. I am now not having any contact with my sister, which is putting a stress on the rest of the family. It seems like there are even behaviors my parents have learned from her, because they are now reacting to situations in an exaggerated and unhealthy way. I would also be fine with not seeing her again, but I don't think that is the right thing for me forever, I am going to continue no contact until I know that I can handle whatever she throws at me, as starting contact again will be incredibly challenging, because of course she will take the no contact with her for the last years personally and like I abandoned her. I wish things were different - we had a few really good years where she seemed to be doing a lot better.

Barilla

[jnssbc202]

LeenLou, Barilla, and anyone else who is currently NC with a BPDsis,

If your BPDsis is in contact with everyone except for you, do you get pressure from family members and/or friends to "be the first to do the right thing" because they see this as squabbling? If so, how do you cope with it? How do you stay sane? How do you keep from questioning your sense of reality? Also, how do you keep from taking your BPDsis' abuse (that's only targeted to you) not personally?

I was doing better with all of this until the pressure started from relatives and friends. Now I seem to have lost my grounding... .

[LeneLu]

Fortunately, I do not get that kind of pressure (at least this time I am not).  This all started over such a ridiculous interaction, that no one thinks her response is reasonable (I think my very first post explains it). 

My mother, with her own BPD traits (but not enough to diagnose her), use to pressure me with "but she is your sister".  One time, she referred to the two of us as "the hate sisters" because of our "squabbling" but this is a whole new level.  My wonderful, sweet dad sent her a letter on my behalf that she is the one with the problem, she historically fights with everyone and that she is making her own bed by continuing this behavior (as in, me and my brother won't stick around).  My brother has told me to "throw her to the curb like a bag of rocks." My immediate family has borne the brunt of her anger.

However, my extended family, while they know that side of her exists, but rarely see it.  She is super generous and kind to them (to their face--she shares her true feelings with me.)

I do take it personally... .every slight and snide remark.  That is what I am working on, emotionally divesting myself from the relationship. I take it more personally than anyone in the family.

[LeneLu]

Also jnssbc202, I come back to these forums a lot and read the stories of others.  It does help me stay strong.  When you see that other people have experienced the same strange interactions, you do feel the "I am not crazy" affirmation.  That helps me with my resolve. 

My biggest pressure point in all this is actually my 12-year-old.  He is very close to his aunt (thanks to me and my husband facilitating it--which she doesn't recognize as something we did for her).  He keeps commenting that he wants us to resolve things because he wants to see her.  It is so hard to explain to him.  However, my T told me that my sis would eventually place adult expectations on him that he would reject.

I know it is so hard... .we as the non-BPD are supposed to not get baited, but no one is telling the BPD not to bait. It doesn't make sense.

[stormy seas]

Thank you to each and every one of you who posted on this thread. It is terrible to think we all have this huge issue in our lives but at least we don't have to go it alone 

[livednlearned]

Thanks for starting this post

I come over here from time to time to see if there are BPD sibling threads. It's hard to find information about sibling abuse and make sense of it, especially how it influences the family dynamic. I'm sorry you all have to go through this, and glad you found this site so you could share your story.

My brother is 18 months older and had what I now realize are severe emotional regulation problems as a child that got worse in adolescence. I look back on those teen/early adult years and I'm not sure how I managed to survive it. The way my parents handled (or didn't handle) things made it worse. It took me a long time to trust my own feelings, they were discounted so many times. Very first memory I have is me thinking these people cannot be counted on and that is one truth that stood the test of time.

uBPD brother lived in the family home until he was in his mid 20s. I moved 3000 miles away to another country, and he lives 10 min from my parents in a home they bought for him.

He rages at them regularly. He will split them black and prevent access to his kids, and then, for no apparent reason, split them white again. It's egg shells for miles and miles over there. He ruins funerals, weddings, holidays. Everyone tiptoes around him, gives him what he wants, bends over backwards to accommodate his demands. The gravitational pull of BPD traits defines our family. You either step away from it, or you are consumed by flames.

My family doesn't believe in labeling people with diagnoses. They think it's mean. It stigmatizes. They believe only very sick people go to therapy. Weak people. My mom is pathologically codependent, and her greatest disappointment is that I'm not like her. We could be a big happy family if I would just let myself be miserable.

My parents are big on staying quiet to keep the peace because upsetting her causes more stress for them.

This summarizes the pain I feel about the deeply dysfunctional role I was expected to play in my family. People pleasing, care-taking, appeasing -- if I deviate from these roles in my family, then I'm the problem.  

My brother once raged at me on the phone, cursing and screaming and threatening me, and I had an epiphany that I could just hang up. It was such a breakthrough! I remember the liberating feeling to this day, like it just happened. Within seconds, my dad was furious with me. Why would I do that? To uBPD brother of all people? I should know better! Now he's just going to get more angry. What could I possibly be thinking?

My dad once called me the perfect daughter. When I think about what that means, it means taking a beating from my brother without complaining or crying or telling a soul. It means putting the needs of a violent, volatile person ahead of everything else, including my own safety. It means being quiet, no matter what. Don't tell anyone what goes on in this family, and don't talk to anyone in the family about what it's like. Ever. If you're going to cry, do it somewhere no one can see you.

I am estranged from my brother and other than the grief of not having a close relationship with a sibling, I am at peace with the distance. But I am so distraught about the relationship with my parents. I'm in my late 40s and feel like I enter an alternate reality when I'm around them.

Over the years, I have healed a lot and learned skills to manage my emotional responses to this, although still lots of work to do there.

There is a book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents that helped a bit with the details of my relationship with my parents. I have to keep conversations short and relatively superficial. I don't ask about my brother. I never stay with them. I don't put myself in a situation where I need something from them because it always has strings attached. I share some details of my life but not all. They engage in (what I read somewhere referred to as) conversational narcissism. No matter what I say, the response is about them. Sometimes when we talk I pay attention to how we talk like it's a ping pong match. After a conversation where they talk about themselves the whole time, my mom will say, You sound like you're doing really well. I miss you so much.

I try to visualize them like a square foot of soil where I got my start, the place my seed put down its first shoots. It's hard soil and the plants look chronically thirsty, and the stinging insects and poison ivy are to be avoided. But it's surrounded by acres and acres of this garden I am tending, a beautiful one with all the flowers and food that I like, that I planted, with lots of people who love to wander through and spend time appreciating what I've grown.

In the book, the author talks about how making yourself emotionally resilient can sometimes make it so the family feels safe with intimacy, but the minute you reach for that intimacy, it can disappear like a puff of smoke. That happens with our family, so when my mom talks about the grief she feels over my brother's behavior, I just ask her if she has thought about talking to a therapist. Whenever they want to know how to get their garden to grow, I know better than to try and add my two cents.

It's still sad, but it's not my row to hoe anymore.

[BabySister]

Hi   everyone,
I joined yesterday. I have a BPDbro and with a similar situation like NancaBell described however we are probably a few years away from him losing his free ride as both my parents are living still. Bro lived with parents almost of his entire life. Multiple cars purchased for him. He is the executor of their will! My mother was going to change it and then he caught wind of it, he was in my parent's ears for weeks guilting them and now he's firmly their executor. Mother refuses to change it. But I need to accept he's sick according to her when I distance myself or stick up for myself! Crazy.

I'm so tired of talking about my BPDbro and how to proceed with him. I have a child and I'm not liking the behavior happening in front of him. So here I am. Thanks for reading!

[hellebore1]

Here's my story.  Older half brother "A" with uBPD.  I've been NC for about 15 years now, my mom is very low contact after years of therapy.  Ours is probably as close to a success story as you can get with a BPD sibling with agnosognosia - both of us with boundaries to his behavior.  Actually I talked to my mom quite a bit about this after I wrote it, things are better with her than I thought. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=325477.msg12971917#msg12971917

[stormy seas]

I try to visualize them like a square foot of soil where I got my start, the place my seed put down its first shoots. It's hard soil and the plants look chronically thirsty, and the stinging insects and poison ivy are to be avoided. But it's surrounded by acres and acres of this garden I am tending, a beautiful one with all the flowers and food that I like, that I planted, with lots of people who love to wander through and spend time appreciating what I've grown.

Thank you! This mental image is beautiful and is really what I needed today. Good for you for recognizing the madness and taking care of yourself