Am I only one hiding BPD reading material.

[oinoxn]

I have been trading Stop Walking on Eggshells but I hide the book and read it when my wife is not home or I am away from home.

I feel it would be suicide for me to let her know I am reading the book and think she has BPD.   Am I the only one hiding this from SO or does everyone just read stuff like that as they please at home?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Oinoxn,

No, you are definitely not alone. I tried looking up stuff about BPD online while still living with my uBPDh. I had limited opportunities, and did not find this site until after I fled the situation bc of DV. However, I read what I could online while he was asleep or at the store or at work, before he stopped going to work. Then I would clear the history so he couldn't see what I had been reading about.

Also looked up sites about other PD's, and abusive behavior. Glad he didn't see those, because he probably would have raged at me.

Funny thing is, he had a psych website that he started reading. Without hiding it, of course, because why would he? And he decided that I fit the description of a narcissist. He announced it to me one night with great conviction, that he had "found out what was wrong with me." Ironic, isn't it.

Kind of ironic that you are walking on eggshells while reading a book entitled "Stop Walking On Eggshells." That's life with a pwBPD. Hang in there.

Blessings and peace to you,

Redeemed

[JoeBPD81]

I hide most of the stuff. I have "the high conflict couple" in my night stand. But under another book, I'm not that bold!

It doesn't help if the title is flashy. I've shared the reading of "The Buddha and the Borderline" (we both read it), and comented I was reading "Loving someone with BPD". But my gf is diagnosed and embraces the label. Not the stigma, though.

In Spanish there is one called "diamantes en bruto" (rough diamonds). That's a title you can show to your partner without shame.

I only log on here when she's not arround. Because the letters BPD are very big. But she knows I'm here and sometimes she asks "What do they think about X in your forum?" "What have you heard about... .?"

Did your therapist recomended the book?

Can anyone share if they got caught?

[Enabler]

I used to hide books in my bedside table as well, until I found photos of them downloaded onto our computer (assume she'd taken photos on her phone and sent to her airchair pshychology friends). I now proudly have a stack of "When Hope is not enough", "Toxic Parents" and "Boundaries" on said bedside table. She's welcome to read them... .I've read her book on "The 10 Commandments" which had a heavily annotated 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' chapter.

Ideally this wouldn't have happened... .but it has and I refuse to be shy about my learning.

[lighthouse9]

I went back and forth about leaving some of these books in our shared Kindle library, and recently decided to take them out. There was a moment where I thought she was receptive to talking about things, because she was looking up BPD on her own and sharing with me how much it felt like her. That moment has passed recently though, so I decided it was time to take this stuff out of her view. I have considered, however, buying hardcopy versions of some of the books written more for the person w/BPD's perspective, but that was before I found out she might be lying about going to DBT. So, back to protect mode.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi oinoxin,

I used to hide reading this type of information, but then I stopped (except for this website. It does not exist anywhere in my life as far as he knows). He has seen me reading several types of books starting with one that was very clearly titled about verbal abuse.

He has said things a couple of times about the various books I was reading, but I made it very clear that the books were not about changing or fixing him, but were about me learning ways to respond better to him. I used these times as an opportunity to share with him that my responses of ignoring him, getting mad, or invalidating him obviously were not working and that our relationship was important to me so I wanted to fix those things in myself. Since the way I shared this did not point a finger at him but at myself instead, he accepted it. Of course he responded something like "well it's about time" or something along those lines, but he really hasn't ever mentioned it ever again.

[Waveney]

I also hide my reading material under a stack of papers and other books, and clear my browser history. My pwBPD expects me to be informed on how to respond to her crises but was triggered when I twice went to Mental Health First Aid training (which she had insisted I took) so both times I had to leave. She will show me videos on BPD and has finally made an appointment with a therapist, but she always has to be in control of the information.

It seems so ridiculous that I have to sneak around but I definitely feel like I do.

[isilme]

I don't openly read BPD stuff where he can see - if I can't read it on my kindle and switch to another book quickly if needed, I don't read it. 

Likewise, I usually only post/read this site while at work.  I have to be in a REALLY bad place to pull it up on my phone and/or try to write on here. 

I have let him know I have a "group therapy site" I go to for survivors of BPD childhood abuse.  I have mentioned BPD in regards to how OTHERs act/react, or brought up things like black and white thinking, splitting, history re-writing. 

He can handle talking about such thi8ngs if they aren't about him.  I openly talk to him about his depression and anxiety issues and use those words when discussion his BPD actions.  I don't think adding another label to him will be helpful to HIM.  But I am working to find ways to mention things without using what I fear will be a very negatively taken "accusation". 

[Margot Az]

I don't tell him, however I don't hide. I am a big reader, so when ever  whoever enters a room other than my study when I read, I close my book or my ipad. To me it's just a matter of not ignoring other persons when I am absorbed in my books. Also, I know I cannot hide anything away from him. He would search, investigate, shake down everything.
However, I believe he knows I understand there is a denied problem. Even if he would see me here, he would ignore it. It's a taboo. I tried to talk with him about the wrong mechanisms between us and how we could find solutions to fix them. No, no, no... .Being on this platform is indeed like breaking a rule.

[lenfan]

I go to this website at work because I can't at home. I can imagine what it would trigger if my upwBPD thought that I thought there was something wrong on her end. Same with books. Every great once in a while she shows some insight and I am tempted to bring the subject up, but that is short lived. I can't get her to look at even the most inocuous self help books. She's fine, it's just me and pretty much everyone else that needs help. You're not alone, and you are probably very prudent in proceeding with discretion.

[AgileElephant]

You're not alone. I hide just about everything from my wife. It sucks but I don't know what else to do. I actually bought stop walking on eggshells a few years ago and started reading it. She found out and went ballistic. The book got thrown out to appease her.

[Lakebreeze]

I keep any BPD material under lock and key. If my uBPDh ever found this stuff we would have some severe emotional dysregulation to deal with. It sounds likes this is pretty common too!

[oinoxn]

Thanks to all of you.  I see I am not the only one.  I keep my book in a locked box in the trunk of my car.

I also see I am not the only one that chooses to live like this and be subjected to verbal battering.  I also see I am not the only one that cannot say what’s on their mind or what they think if it differs from that of the BPD.  I assume we all know that this is no way to live.  I hope I am at the end of my rope.   But then I take the crumb of peace when she is nice for a day or hours and give myself more rope.

[Ble55ed]

My husband bought me a book on BPD and said, "I think I have this." (He deceased mom was also diagnosed with BPD.) After I read the book, and  agreed with him that it fit to a T, the book mysteriously disappeared from the house, as have several others. It must run in the family, because we also have a pre-teen daughter who has BPD-like behaviors. Husband has bought me various books on parenting defiant kids etc. (He has an Amazon addiction.), and she flies into a rage whenever she sees the books. So the books live on the top shelf of my closet under a pile of clothes, and have to be read when she is out of the house.

[walkinthepark247]

This has been a big nightmare for me. When I started my BPD journey, my therapist recommended a couple of books. My wife also saw my reading list about BPD on my kindle. I tried to point out that the books were about improving the relationship, but that did not help the argument. She is a much faster reader than I am. She read the Eggshells book after finding it on my Kindle. Her response? "You are the one with BPD, not me". Also, when I do try to validate, she will make some snide comment about my "stupid / sh@tty" BPD books.

[Tattered Heart]

I also see I am not the only one that chooses to live like this and be subjected to verbal battering.  I also see I am not the only one that cannot say what’s on their mind or what they think if it differs from that of the BPD.  I assume we all know that this is no way to live.  I hope I am at the end of my rope.   But then I take the crumb of peace when she is nice for a day or hours and give myself more rope.

That's where the tools and workshops come in handy. They teach you how to say what's on your mind in a way that takes into account your partners fear of rejection.