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Author Topic: Update: Proud of myself/have more self-worth  (Read 945 times)
MaroonLiquid
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« on: February 27, 2018, 12:43:26 AM »

Here is my last thread... .https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=316324.msg12918830#new

Anyway, I am actually doing very well.  Flourdust said some things in the last thread in November that pissed me off but made me think and I got over it.   Smiling (click to insert in post)  It took a while and had to do quite a bit of introspection.  

What I told my ex-wife when she said she was “interested in someone else” is that I was going to take a huge step back which I have and am very proud of myself.  I chose not to see her over the holidays and in late January she contacted me asking to see the kids.  I told her we could meet for lunch a few days later.  I heard it from a mutual friend of ours that she changed her status on Facebook two days before our lunch to “In a relationship” but with no one tagged. That mutual friend was called by several people we knew and asked if we had gotten back together and this friend said my ex wasn’t dating anyone and posts no pictures of anyone.  It was almost like she did it to get a rise out of me but never even mentioned it at lunch.  Not having seen each other or talked hardly at all made it a little awkward at first but quickly got over it.  When we walked in, we gave each other a friendly hug and lunch was pleasant.  At the end I could tell she wanted to hug me but we didn’t.  I just walked to my car.  

We didn’t talk much after that but I started spending more time with her son and my Godson (who has been living with her since November) as they are leaving for Marine Basic at the end of April.  We go and hang out (usually shoot pool) several times a week as I’m trying to see them as much as possible when it doesn’t interfere with my daughters softball practice or sons baseball practice.

Late last week I went to pick up her son at the house to go and fly my drone I use for business to take some video and pictures.  While I was waiting for him, I was talking to her daughter about some stuff she wanted to do and asked if I could help her.  I told her I would.  I was being nice and asked if they (my ex and her daughter) wanted to go with us for a bit and they said they wanted to.  We went and had a nice time.  I was controlling the drone and she asked me to come sit next to her.  I did and she sat really close to me but I acted like I didn’t notice.  We went back to her house and talked for a while about plans for Marine basic graduation.  We were talking about who all was planning to attend and she said the kids biological dad was going even though he has never been a part of their life.  I have basically been their dad.  Anyway, she said she invited some of his and her daughters friends to go.  And then out of nowhere she said, “Oh and I invited my boyfriend.  That’ll be awkward.”  Knowing the tactic here, I just looked at her and said, “This is about the boys and their graduation.  I want to support them.”  She kind of looked stunned that I didn’t respond negatively or become sad or angry.  I completely took the wind out of that sail.     We kept talking about the trip and a few minutes later she said, “Let’s go to the store and get a drink.”  We did and when we got back I told her I needed to go and told everyone goodbye.  I have talked to the kids since and her daughter has asked me to help her with some project for school.  

Long story short, I have grown a lot in the last few months as a person and I’m proud of myself.  Have some ways to go in loving myself and knowing my self worth however but I am proud of how I am sidestepping some issues that in the past would have bothered me or made me depressed.  Thoughts?
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« Reply #1 on: February 27, 2018, 03:47:24 AM »

Hi MaroonLiquid,

Good to hear that you are feeling better these days! It can be so hard when our relationships with people transition from one form to another.

What is your goal with your interactions with your ex? Are you hoping for a cordial friendship? Still have some romantic feelings?

warmly, pearl.
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« Reply #2 on: February 27, 2018, 07:10:28 AM »


ML,

Hey!  Really good to hear from you and really good to hear that you are making different choices in your relationship with her and her family... .yet maintaining some ties.

How is school going?  I'm in the midst of an MBA program... .it's overwhelming... .but also challenges and focuses me.

Have you dated anyone else? 

Anyone on your radar to potentially date?

Looking forward to chatting more.

FF
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MaroonLiquid
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« Reply #3 on: February 27, 2018, 01:41:39 PM »

What is your goal with your interactions with your ex? Are you hoping for a cordial friendship? Still have some romantic feelings?

I don’t really have a goal per se.  I’m truly trying to find my way without her and become a better me.  I think I will always have feelings for her, yet I’m no longer driven by them.  For instance, I can be in the same room with her, sitting next to her, etc and not have an overwhelming feeling like I need to touch her, be intimate with her etc.  does that make sense?  That has taken a long time and glad I’m there.  I am wanting to be that person that “says what he means and means what he says”.  That is why I have taken a huge step back since she is “dating” someone.  Even though I truly don’t think there is anyone in her life, I took her at her word and keeping mine.  My focus is her son and my Godson since they are leaving for basic here shortly.  I will be curious to see how she reacts to her life once they leave as they are a big feed and focus for her as my Godson does a lot for her.

Hey!  Really good to hear from you and really good to hear that you are making different choices in your relationship with her and her family... .yet maintaining some ties.


 Thanks. 


How is school going?  I'm in the midst of an MBA program... .it's overwhelming... .but also challenges and focuses me.

Have you dated anyone else? 

Anyone on your radar to potentially date?

Looking forward to chatting more.

FF

I took a semester off in order to focus on myself for a bit.  I’m getting back at it in a month or so.  I haven’t dated anyone else and there is someone I’m interested in however there are a few things that are keeping me from doing that at the moment.  Other than that, I’m trying to focus on me and my children.

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« Reply #4 on: February 27, 2018, 02:37:44 PM »

  I haven’t dated anyone else and there is someone I’m interested in however there are a few things that are keeping me from doing that at the moment.  

Such as... .? 

FF
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« Reply #5 on: February 27, 2018, 03:34:24 PM »

Hey ML, Keep up the good work.  I like how you avoided getting drawn into the drama with your Ex about her co-called boyfriend, if she even has one.  She threw out the bait, yet you didn't take it, which is a good sign.  Recently my Ex said some derogatory things about me in an email about finances (we have two kids together).  In the past, I would probably have felt the need to respond in similar fashion, yet I declined to go there.  Like many who suffer from BPD, she was pushing my buttons in order to get a reaction; instead, I refused to engage and responded in broad, non-inflammatory terms.  She didn't respond and, afterwards, I chalked it up as a small victory.

LuckyJim

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MaroonLiquid
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« Reply #6 on: February 27, 2018, 11:36:09 PM »

Such as... .?  

FF

Well, first off, I have known her family for about 8 years or so and still friends with them.  That means she has known me for as long as I was with my ex (went to the same church for several years) and might make it awkward.  I’m 40 and she is 25.  I never thought of her romantically the last year or so until recently and wondering how that would even work.  Plus, she is in a much different place than I am with having never been married.  Maybe this is my mid life crisis.  Smiling (click to insert in post)  I do look like I’m 30 so that isn’t a big deal but the rest is for me.  Plus, I think I want someone who knows nothing about my history.  Not that I would hide it from anyone (because I wouldn’t) but so that there isn’t a basis for comparing or anything if that makes sense.  I almost wonder if my attraction to her (other than the fact that she is gorgeous and a great personality, is she is the complete opposite of my ex wife (when it comes to age) who was 11 years older than me.  I’m just trying to be very level headed about these things, ya know?

Hey ML, Keep up the good work.  I like how you avoided getting drawn into the drama with your Ex about her co-called boyfriend, if she even has one.  She threw out the bait, yet you didn't take it, which is a good sign.  Recently my Ex said some derogatory things about me in an email about finances (we have two kids together).  In the past, I would probably have felt the need to respond in similar fashion, yet I declined to go there.  Like many who suffer from BPD, she was pushing my buttons in order to get a reaction; instead, I refused to engage and responded in broad, non-inflammatory terms.  She didn't respond and, afterwards, I chalked it up as a small victory.

LuckyJim



Yeah, getting tripped up can be easy but that is something I’ve really tried to work on.  She definitely sees a stronger me.  Up until a couple of months ago I couldn’t be around her without wanting to hug her, kiss her or more and now I can be around her and not focus on those things or even think about them.  After I saw her last week she probably wondered why I didn’t put my arm around her when she asked me to sit close to her.  Oh well... .
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« Reply #7 on: February 28, 2018, 08:02:43 AM »


I would challenge you to go on a couple "casual" dates with people you have recently met over the next few months.

It's a date... not a relationship. 

I'm going to suggest that you find people that are "peers" (within a couple years of your age).

The 25 year old with lots of family connections seems complicated... .your relationship with your ex is complicated... .all the god kids, step kids, all of that seems complicated.

Note... I'm not saying right or wrong, but when you read your posts all of the connections really seem to matter in your decision making (again... not saying this is good or bad)

So... .if you are looking for a complete opposite of your ex... .go have an uncomplicated date with an uncomplicated "new" person to you.  Have several... .with several different people.  Don't let it "mean" more than it does. 

Coffee and conversation is a wonderful thing.

I really like that you are being introspective and reflective about wanting something different. 

FF
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MaroonLiquid
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« Reply #8 on: April 11, 2018, 11:24:20 AM »

I would challenge you to go on a couple "casual" dates with people you have recently met over the next few months.

It's a date... not a relationship. 

I'm going to suggest that you find people that are "peers" (within a couple years of your age).

The 25 year old with lots of family connections seems complicated... .your relationship with your ex is complicated... .all the god kids, step kids, all of that seems complicated.

Note... I'm not saying right or wrong, but when you read your posts all of the connections really seem to matter in your decision making (again... not saying this is good or bad)

So... .if you are looking for a complete opposite of your ex... .go have an uncomplicated date with an uncomplicated "new" person to you.  Have several... .with several different people.  Don't let it "mean" more than it does. 

Coffee and conversation is a wonderful thing.

I really like that you are being introspective and reflective about wanting something different. 

FF

Sorry it took so long to respond.  I'm starting to want to put myself out there but just not quite ready to yet.  Not sure why.  I believe part of it is my self esteem but definitely working on that and much more sure of myself recently.  I have seen a few women recently that I would have no issue meeting them for coffee.  Just haven't gone there yet.

My ex contacted me about two weeks ago after I didn't talk to her for about 4 weeks.  Now, these aren't her choices, they are mine.  Definitely proud of myself for that.  Anyway, she asked if I could meet her and her kids at a sporting event this coming weekend.  This is something we did every year while we were together.  At first, I wasn't sure if I was going due to a possible client needing some videography work done which was true.  She asked if I would let her know whether we are going or not.  I said I would.  The client deal was put on hold late in the week but just didn't say anything until this past Monday.  I am not trying to be a jerk, but at the same time I don't let her know much about my life anymore and certainly not being easily reachable.  Anyway, I told her that my son and I are going but my girls were staying at home.  She said ok and we talked about where we could meet up. 

My question is, am I stupid for doing this?   Smiling (click to insert in post)  This is more about my son seeing her kids than anything because our kids were so close and I'm still close to hers.  Not sure if she has a motive or what.  The last few times we have seen each other has been pleasant and for me nothing more than friendly which is where I'm at.  Thoughts?
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« Reply #9 on: April 11, 2018, 11:30:20 AM »

  Just haven't gone there yet.

 

I would recommending "going there"... .whether you feel like it or not.  For one... .getting coffee a few times with take the "big deal" out of it.  Which will result... .most likely... .in more coffee.

Did the boot camp graduation happen... or is that still coming up?

As far as the wisdom of the sporting event... .I would say don't overthink it.  If you end up going... enjoy yourself... .if it doesn't work out for you to go at last minute... .enjoy whatever you end up doing.

FF
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MaroonLiquid
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« Reply #10 on: April 11, 2018, 12:18:43 PM »

Did the boot camp graduation happen... or is that still coming up?

I will definitely invite someone for coffee... .I will take the plunge.

The boot camp graduation has been pushed back 3 weeks due to him needing to lose like 15 more pounds.  Supposed to be like May 5th.  Personally I think he is sabotaging himself on purpose but that is a different story for another time.  My Godson who was supposed to go in with her son together backed out completely on the military.  Not really sure for what reason and it was completely out of the blue, but he moved home (out of town) to his parents.  Which is even stranger because they have never been there for him and he was staying with my ex and was pretty stable and had a job.

As far as the sporting event, I won't overthink it.
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« Reply #11 on: April 12, 2018, 10:24:46 AM »

The boot camp graduation has been pushed back 3 weeks due to him needing to lose like 15 more pounds.  Supposed to be like May 5th.  
Good Morning MaroonLiquid,

A bit off topic, but where is your Son, Parris Island or San Diego?

I spent a couple of days in the Corps, I may be able to help you on some insight, in regards to the day to day, and week to week progression/facets to USMC Recruit Training, if your Son is undergoing some re-training, so that he is more able to meet standards, that is not a long shot by any means, he will be alright, but may spend a few extra weeks on the Depot before graduation, but he should come through just fine.

Best Regards, Red5
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« Reply #12 on: April 12, 2018, 03:06:01 PM »

Good Morning MaroonLiquid,

A bit off topic, but where is your Son, Parris Island or San Diego?

I spent a couple of days in the Corps, I may be able to help you on some insight, in regards to the day to day, and week to week progression/facets to USMC Recruit Training, if your Son is undergoing some re-training, so that he is more able to meet standards, that is not a long shot by any means, he will be alright, but may spend a few extra weeks on the Depot before graduation, but he should come through just fine.

Best Regards, Red5

I miss spoke there.  Sorry for the misunderstanding.  He hasn't left for boot camp yet because he is 15 pounds over the max weight and he is trying to get under that.  They have pushed his leave date for boot camp back 3 weeks to accomodate his getting under that weight.  Hope that makes more sense.  He will be going to San Diego, BTW... .
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« Reply #13 on: April 16, 2018, 09:35:09 AM »

Update: Last Thursday, I had dinner with my uBPDex and her daughter (15YO).  She invited me back to her place and we watched some TV.  After a while, we ended up making out and having sex.  We talked for a little bit after and then I had to go home to get up for work.  She didn't bring up her "boyfriend" once.  Guess I called her bluff on that.   

Saturday, I went to the sporting event and met her and her older daughter (18YO) that is in college where the sporting event was held.  We spent the day watching baseball and football.  My son (9yo) was happy to see them as he hasn't seen them in a while and asked a few times recently about getting together with them.  During dinner after both games, she asked us to spend the night.  I told her I couldn't as we had to go back home.  I wasn't wanting to put my son (or my other kids for that matter) in a position to be uncomfortable after not seeing her but twice for short periods in 6 months.  My son asked if we could go and I told him that we couldn't.  I stated that we had nothing with us and that it just wasn't a good night.  My uBPDex said she would wash our clothes and we were more than welcome.  I told her that we still had to go back to my sister's to get his stuff the next day but appreciated the invite.  She said she understood.  She asked my son how baseball was going.  He said great and that he had a game the following day (yesterday) and asked if she could come.  She said she definitely would and her daughter (who was coming home for the weekend) said she would be there also.  This is where I started to get nervous because my first wife hates her (she wasn't going to be there anyway as she was out of town) and my middle daughter (14YO) says she hates her but I think its the way she has treated us that she hates.  But I do understand why she feels the way she does.  Anyway... .

Fast forward to yesterday... .I told my middle daughter on the way to her hitting lesson that my uBPDex would be coming to her brothers game.  I promised her after one of my sons games last fall that I wouldn't blindside her with my ex showing up.  When I didn't tell her, she freaked out.  This time she semi-freaked out but told me she appreciated me being honest.  I noticed she and my oldest daughter (15YO) were cordial and talked to her during the game while I was coaching on the field.  I also noticed my ex being dressed up (for her anyway) and looking very good.  I guess that was for my benefit? After the game, we were all talking and then decided to leave for the night.  I promised my daughter (14YO) last week that I would take her to dinner just her and I for her birthday.  As we were leaving, I went to tell my ex and her kids goodbye.  My ex asked what we were going to do and I said that I promised my daughter that I would take her to dinner.  She asked if it was just us two.  I said yes as that was a promise I made to her the previous week.  She looked a little disappointed, but nothing I can do.  My promise to my kid is way more important!  She asked if my D14 was ok as she didn't invite her daughter to her birthday party over the weekend.  I knew that would come up as they have always been close.  I told her that I would talk to her about it (even though I pretty much knew why but certainly wasn't going to say anything in that moment).  She said her daughter was hurt that she wasn't invited to her party and I told her that I understood.  I would be hurt too.  I gave her daughters a hug, told them I loved them and we all left. 

At dinner with my daughter, we talked for a little bit about why she didn't invite her to her party.  She said she didn't want to have to deal with my uBPDex.  I told her that I understand why she feels that way, but she should be careful about holding who their mother is against them because they can't help it nor does it change the fact that all the kids have been close since they were little.  I told her I am not trying to change how she feels about my ex, but that I just wanted to see her head was at regarding the kids.  She said even though she doesn't want to give my ex anymore chances to hurt her or us, she still misses some of the things about her and our family trips together.  I told her that I miss those things too as we had a lot of fun times.  After stopping by Starbucks for an after dinner drink for her, I dropped her off.  I then called my ex and thanked her for coming to my sons game and she said it was so much fun.  We talked for a little while and then had to go. We have texted a few times today.

I believe I handled things very well and stuck to my values/boundaries in some areas that in the past I probably wouldn't have.  Thoughts?   
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« Reply #14 on: April 16, 2018, 09:43:10 AM »


I believe I handled things very well and stuck to my values/boundaries in some areas that in the past I probably wouldn't have.  Thoughts?   

When do you expect to have a coffee date with someone else?

FF
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« Reply #15 on: April 16, 2018, 09:51:11 AM »



The "big picture" that I see is that when your ex sends certain "pull" signals towards you, you respond to some and don't respond to others.

That's generally a much better thing than how you have handled this in the past (IMO).

She is still "defining" the relationship or "defining" how she is offering herself to you.  Yes... you are choosing how to respond or not respond to some of this.

If your goal is to "detach" and carve out a life for Maroon... .then I think you got off track.

If your goal is to enjoy her company when it works for you and when she is offering... then perhaps you are ok. 

I would feel much more "comfortable" with you moving on for a life for you if you had an "active" "love life" outside of whatever your relationship with you ex turns out to be.

How many times in the past 6 months or a year have you turned down sex from your ex?

FF
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« Reply #16 on: April 16, 2018, 12:17:09 PM »

When do you expect to have a coffee date with someone else?

FF

Whenever I see someone that I would be interested in inviting.   Smiling (click to insert in post)  I don't put myself out there a lot so its tough... .Need to change that.


The "big picture" that I see is that when your ex sends certain "pull" signals towards you, you respond to some and don't respond to others.

That's generally a much better thing than how you have handled this in the past (IMO).

She is still "defining" the relationship or "defining" how she is offering herself to you.  Yes... you are choosing how to respond or not respond to some of this.

If your goal is to "detach" and carve out a life for Maroon... .then I think you got off track.

If your goal is to enjoy her company when it works for you and when she is offering... then perhaps you are ok. 

I would feel much more "comfortable" with you moving on for a life for you if you had an "active" "love life" outside of whatever your relationship with you ex turns out to be.

How many times in the past 6 months or a year have you turned down sex from your ex?

FF

My goal is both.  I feel I have done a very good job detaching.  I also enjoy her company when it works for me, not just when she is offering.  Last night was a perfect example with dinner with my daughter.  I could tell she wanted to come along but that "didn't work for me".  Over the last year I have turned down my ex for sex probably twice.  We hadn't been together like that in six months before ast Thursday.
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« Reply #17 on: April 16, 2018, 01:18:37 PM »

How many times in the past year has she turned you down for sex?

FF
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« Reply #18 on: April 16, 2018, 01:33:45 PM »

How many times in the past year has she turned you down for sex?

FF

once or twice that I recall.  About equal.
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« Reply #19 on: May 02, 2018, 09:32:24 AM »

UPDATE: So the last week and a half or so with my ex has been her typical behavior.  I've also exhibited some atypical behavior.     After that weekend that we spent together, we spent some more time together and even rode up with her to see her daughter at college.  She was telling me she loved me, loved having me around, etc.  During that two week period, I never told her I loved her unless she told me.  I refuse to say it first anymore.  Anyway... .Before we drove up to see her daughter for the day, she kept dropping hints about needing to get a second job as her house note has gone up.  I validated by telling her how "tough that will be on her having only one income".  She said, "Yeah, I am worried!"  I told her, "I would be too if I were a single parent."  I find that comical looking at the irony of that considering she got rid of me and I was the only stable thing in her life that has provided for her... .But I digress... .She made the comment about how she is starting bartending school next week in order to supplement her income. I started to get the sense of what was coming, and I was right.  While at the college, we had to run and get her daughter some feminine products before we drove back to town.  While in the store, she said, "I've been thinking about something... ."  I said, "OK, what you got?"  She said, "Well, I wanted to see if you wanted to move back in."  There it was... .I knew that was coming... .I simply said, "That is something I'm definitely going to have to think about.  But I can't do anything for 2 to 3 months as I am trying to pay my sister what I owe her."  She said, "I understand... .But hey, can we work out together, I could really use you as a workout partner."  We only have 13 weeks till we have to be at our son's boot camp graduation and I would like to lose some weight.  You are going with us and staying with us right?"  I said, "Yes, I am going, I wouldn't miss him graduating."  So the next few days, we were making plans for our workouts and she started sexting me and telling me that "all these things" would be soo much easier if I lived with her... .man she was laying it on thick... .Smiling (click to insert in post)  That was last Wednesday.  Am I glad I know now that if you give it a day or two, things will be completely different.  Then silence... .We stopped communicating... .On Sunday, I had plans with her son and my Godson to have lunch.  When I got to the house, her daughter in college said to my ex, "Mom we need to go."  She responded, "Your dog is filthy, you should have bathed him while you were home this weekend."  She said, "Yeah, I would do it now but we don't have time."  I said, "It's only like 2, you have plenty of time."  She said, "Well, mom has to take me back now because she has "somewhere to be" at 6:30PM."  I knew immediately in my gut what she was talking about.  She has never talked in code before and therefore I knew it was a date.  I just said, "Oh, ok.  Gotcha" and left it at that.  I laughed inside, because it was a few days earlier she was begging me to move in.  Fast forward to last night, I was helping her daughter cut a video for a project for school (ex was at bartending school) and my ex was texting her friend.  Her daughter and I saw because their texts were flashing across the screen (she has a mac and messages come across since her daughter was logged into the computer as her).  I acted like I didn't see and her daughter acted like it was no big deal.  She was setting up a double date with her friend for Saturday and telling her that this may be her last date with this guy because "he is very awkward and doesn't think she finds him attractive and the date Sunday was almost a disaster".  She told her he says, "Love you gal" and they have only been on two dates and she finds that weird.  Her friend said, "don't give up on him yet, he probably doesn't know how to act around you.  Let me see how he does on Saturday before you decide."  I was laughing inside because little does that guy know, nor her friend, that she was telling me she loves me and just the other night that nobody satisfies her like I do... .Sounds like that r/s won't last long... .Not my circus... .

My Atypical Behavior: I actually met someone and have been getting to know her since Saturday.  We have only texted.  I am taking it slow as I am really trying to get to know her.  I have seen a couple of red flags that I am deciding if it is PTSD from my uBPD/NPDex or if it is really there and something that needs to be looked at.  I am proud of myself though for putting myself out there.  The issues I see that are giving me pause are these:

1. The second day she called her mom "bat sh!t crazy" and doesn't need the drama in her life. She "hates drama".  Almost word for word what my ex said about drama and about her mom even though in my ex's case it was true about her mom.

2. Yesterday, she said that she was thinking about going to the fire station to spend some time with her best friend who is a guy.  She said that his girlfriend doesn't approve of their friendship.  I responded that "most girls wouldn't approve of their boyfriends hanging out with their best friend who is a girl.  That is a threat to them.  I think you need to take a step back"  She said she doesn't like his girlfriend but knows that if he hasn't gotten rid of her yet that maybe he does care about her and should step back.  She then texted that she will just stay home.  Even though she backed off, she sounds like she was trying to create the very thing she "hates"... .

Anyway, to me, I see issues with both of these.  Praying on them and deciding if they are deal breakers for me.  Thoughts?
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« Reply #20 on: May 02, 2018, 03:34:19 PM »


Wouldn't you figure out your dealbreakers first... .sort out your values first... .then... .if she stays "inside" those values... .it's fine.

If she stays outside... .it's not.

How have your coffee or other dates gone?

FF
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« Reply #21 on: May 02, 2018, 03:56:04 PM »

Wouldn't you figure out your dealbreakers first... .sort out your values first... .then... .if she stays "inside" those values... .it's fine.

If she stays outside... .it's not.

How have your coffee or other dates gone?

FF

You aren't being very helpful... .Smiling (click to insert in post)   I know my values... .That's why there are red flags.  Are you trying to make me feel bad about my progress FF?  if so, you are doing very well at that... .Smiling (click to insert in post)  

Other dates haven't happened yet but still working on that.  With everything I have going on in the evenings and weekends currently, its been difficult making any plans.  Some of that should ease up here soon.  Plus, I've never really dated before, so this is new territory for me.  Yes, I've been married twice and never really dated.  Probably why ive been divorced twice... .
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« Reply #22 on: May 02, 2018, 04:35:54 PM »

  its been difficult making any plans.

Not trying to make you feel bad or anything... .really just shining a light of realism (which should be value free... .in theory)
.
I think you have the cart and horse backwards again... .

So... have all the things in your life happened without planning?  (many non's that end up with pwBPD... .can have this actually be true... )

Just sayin... .in your posts I see lots of plans... .lots of activities... .




   Plus, I've never really dated before, so this is new territory for me.  Yes, I've been married twice and never really dated.  Probably why ive been divorced twice... .


So... I'm intrigued... .seriously. 

How did you get from stranger to married if you didn't date.

Twice.

Perhaps this is the real reason, vice inability to plan.

Ummm... .please post... .I'll get some popcorn... .I'm intrigued...

FF
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« Reply #23 on: May 03, 2018, 09:17:19 AM »

Not trying to make you feel bad or anything... .really just shining a light of realism (which should be value free... .in theory)

I was just kidding!  I do appreciate all the advice!

So... I'm intrigued... .seriously.  

How did you get from stranger to married if you didn't date.

Twice.

Perhaps this is the real reason, vice inability to plan.

Ummm... .please post... .I'll get some popcorn... .I'm intrigued...

FF

So this is how my story goes... .

I met my first wife when I was 19 living at home.  My mom was always overbearing and unreasonable when it came to me.  Not my sister though.  She had way more privileges than I did.  I blamed my mom for a lot growing up, some rightfully so and some not.  I think my mom sort of overcompensated in some ways because of what I was exposed to with my dad and being kidnapped in a mall when i was 2.  That is a whole different story.  Anyway, I was looking for a way out and she fell into my lap.  It was easy and knowing my mom didn't approve made it more enticing.  A part of me wanted to get back at her.  Wrong of me and led to a ton of heartache.  We lived together and broke up several times and then after three years finally got married.  

During our marriage, we went through a lot of ups and downs.  In 2007, I went to Afghanistan to work for a year.  While there, she cheated on me with her now husband.  It rocked me to the core.  She even moved him into my home that I paid for while I was gone and he slept in my bed.  :)idn't know this until after our son was born.  She confided in my uBPD/NPDex about the affair (they were best friends at the time) and they told our pastor at the time.  She asked forgiveness and I thought I did, but I didn't.  We had our son shortly after returning and the unforgiveness remained.  To get back with her, I started talking to her best friend and the rest is history.  Left my first wife and went directly to her.  Before I get any crap, I'm a great dad to my kids.  I'm not proud of my choice and it led to even more heartache, but I have to own them.  But that is the story about my two marriages without ever dating in a nutshell... .Thoughts?
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« Reply #24 on: May 03, 2018, 05:01:42 PM »

Yeah... .go on a date.  Several... .just do it.

Some will flop... .some will be ok... .some will be great.

FF
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« Reply #25 on: May 04, 2018, 07:26:35 AM »

Yeah... .go on a date.  Several... .just do it.

Some will flop... .some will be ok... .some will be great.

FF

I actually asked a girl out on a date last night and we are going out in two weeks.  I'm proud of myself!  New territory!
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« Reply #26 on: May 04, 2018, 08:00:52 AM »

  I'm proud of myself!  New territory!


 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #27 on: May 17, 2018, 11:52:10 AM »

So, I went out on a date with a really cool, beautiful girl (never married, 37YO and wanted a child which I was fine with) and it went extremely well.  We talked for 9 days before the date and had so much in common.  Then yesterday, she tells me that she "isn't sure we are a match because she is catholic and I am non-denominational and an ordained minister".     I responded very kindly but don't think she was really sold on her decision... .But that is on her.  I left the door open if she changed her mind, but will obviously look elsewhere.  I don't get women.   Smiling (click to insert in post) 

With my uBPDex, they must have some kind of radar to know when we are looking elsewhere.  Three days before we I went on that first date, she started texting me, sexting me, and now inviting me a bunch of places.  They don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you.  Ridiculous... .
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« Reply #28 on: May 17, 2018, 12:03:00 PM »


Interesting turn of events.

How did you go about leaving the door open?  Did she "cut it off" or is she just "thinking about cutting it off"?

So... .when is your next date... with a new chick?

Just so you know, I tend to use my knowledge of "push/pull" to attempt to keep my wife in more of a "pull" position, while I kinda stay aloof.

Things are much more stable in my home when that dynamic is present.  Sometimes I feel a bit manipulative by doing that, yet I remind myself to be pragmatic... .and enjoy the relative calm.

To be clear... .what is going to happen when you get "closer" to your ex?


FF
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« Reply #29 on: May 17, 2018, 12:17:15 PM »

So, I went out on a date with a really cool, beautiful girl (never married, 37YO and wanted a child which I was fine with) and it went extremely well. 

We talked for 9 days before the date and had so much in common.  Then yesterday, she tells me that she "isn't sure we are a match because she is catholic and I am non-denominational and an ordained minister".    

I responded very kindly but don't think she was really sold on her decision... .But that is on her.  I left the door open if she changed her mind, but will obviously look elsewhere.  I don't get women.   Smiling (click to insert in post) 

With my uBPDex, they must have some kind of radar to know when we are looking elsewhere. 

Three days before we I went on that first date, she started texting me, sexting me, and now inviting me a bunch of places. 

They don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you.  Ridiculous... .

Afternoon MaroonLiquid,

 "... .my uBPDex, they must have some kind of radar to know when we are looking elsewhere... .she started texting me, sexting me, and now inviting me a bunch of places... .they don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you.  Ridiculous... ."

Yeah, Classic !

At least they are consistent in that regard 

Take care M-Liquid !

Red5

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