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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: End of the line. 26 year relationship with male BPD  (Read 676 times)
Damaged92

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« on: March 18, 2018, 06:17:10 PM »

Hi. I have been in 26 year relationship with male BPD. Really can't take anymore. Tried understanding. Tried everything! The constant deflecting, mood swings, avoidance, splitting, has lighting, aggression, bullying, verbal abuse, rages, jealousy, abandonment issues eff have finally wore me downhill am nothing. Can't deal with it anymore and he will never ever change. I need to stop this before I have no life left. The toll it has taken on me both physically and emotionally is ridiculous and I cannot believe how stupid I have been.
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Insom
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« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2018, 12:28:31 PM »

Hi, Damaged92.    Welcome.

It sounds like you've reached the end of your rope.  Hugs.       I know how hard it feels to break away from someone with BPD.  Congrats on reaching out here.  We are here to listen and offer support.

Excerpt
I need to stop this before I have no life left. The toll it has taken on me both physically and emotionally is ridiculous and I cannot believe how stupid I have been.

I hear that you're feeling frustrated but try not to beat yourself up too much (easier said than done when you're feeing defeated, I know)!  Relationships with people with BPD can feel very, very difficult.  You are not alone.

What is your living situation at the moment?  Are you two still together, living together?  Do you feel safe?
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« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2018, 02:44:12 PM »

Welcome, Damaged92!

 Hi!

I want to join Insom in welcoming you to the forums. I'm sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. From what you have written, it seems clear you will get good ideas and support here if you continue to read and post. In short, you have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion, and education as it relates to coping with loved ones who have personality disorders.

Can't deal with it anymore and he will never ever change. I need to stop this before I have no life left.

If you don't mind my asking, what does this look like for you? If you don't yet know, that's perfectly okay. We can help you process this.

Keep writing. Tell us your story - it helps you to get it out, and it helps others when they see that they are not the only ones suffering. We look forward to hearing more from you.


-Speck

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Damaged92

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« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2018, 03:19:15 PM »

Hi Insom and Speck,
Firstly thank you both for replying to my post. It feels really weird to write things down that I only ever think in my head. It's alien to me that strangers would care. I feel very alone. I'm very sad about how damaged I feel. I know that my husband probably lives in a world of hurt. But I find it difficult to forgive him for all the hurt he has caused and continues to cause. You both highlighted aspects of the same quote. I know the responsibility is mine to make the decision to make my life better. It's hard. I feel embarrassed about the disaster that is my life. I do not speak to anyone about my homelife. It's too hard. I feel they would judge me negatively. I guess this is the first step in dealing with it all. So for that I thank you for taking the time to care.
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SunandMoon
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« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2018, 06:06:47 PM »

 Hi Damaged92, I'm sorry you're feeling so worn down and damaged. 26 years is a long time and I'm sure out of control BPD had taken is toll.

Please don't feel alone or stupid for staying so long. You are definitely not alone - as you'll find if you take some time to read the other posts on this board. And we all have our own reasons for staying, as do you.

Excerpt
Tried understanding. Tried everything! The constant deflecting, mood swings, avoidance, splitting, has lighting, aggression, bullying, verbal abuse, rages, jealousy, abandonment issues eff have finally wore me downhill am nothing

What have you tried? Have you learnt about BPD; read any books? There are skills we can learn and ways of communicating that do help to reduce the horrible behaviour. Have you learnt about any of those?

Excerpt
I feel embarrassed about the disaster that is my life. I do not speak to anyone about my homelife. It's too hard. I feel they would judge me negatively.

No one here would judge you negatively. Most of us have been there and understand how isolating and hopeless it feels. Do you have one good friend who you could open up to?

You can also continue to post here and explore your feelings and options. We understand 
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Speck
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« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2018, 09:13:39 PM »

Hello again, Damaged92:

Thank you for continuing to share with us. I just have some things to add:

It feels really weird to write things down that I only ever think in my head. It's alien to me that strangers would care. I feel very alone.

You are in the right place, friend. You are NOT alone.

Excerpt
I'm very sad about how damaged I feel. I know that my husband probably lives in a world of hurt. But I find it difficult to forgive him for all the hurt he has caused and continues to cause.

Forgiving your husband is not a requirement for healing right now. However, forgiving yourself is. Be gentle with yourself. Sooth yourself. Focus only on things that YOU can control. Take a deep breath and trust the process. We are walking right beside you.

Excerpt
I know the responsibility is mine to make the decision to make my life better. It's hard.

Truer words have never been spoken. Just focus on you. If you can, pull back from engaging in the drama that is going on at home. Give yourself the gift of clarity by stepping back a little bit. Just let it be, because... .it's not about you. Re-channel your energy, thoughts, and focus into things that are about you.

Excerpt
I feel embarrassed about the disaster that is my life. I do not speak to anyone about my home life. It's too hard. I feel they would judge me negatively.

This is an understandable feeling, and I'm sorry you feel this way. Luckily, you have discovered this wonderful website, and believe me when I tell you: you have yet to understand the depth and breadth of wisdom, camaraderie, support that is freely shared here daily. No one here cares about judging you, your home life, or your marriage. We are all walking through the ashes of our own former lives, selves, marriages, and relationships. In short, we wish for you the same level of support that we have received.

Excerpt
I guess this is the first step in dealing with it all.

Amen... .and amen.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck
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Sofi

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« Reply #6 on: March 21, 2018, 02:15:14 PM »

Hi - you aren't alone.  I've been married 27yrs and have a 26yr and 24yr old son.  Our marriage was always great and fun and intense, but about 12 years ago we went thru a "perfect storm" of emotional & professional upheaval which released (?) all these hidden issues.   He's been full blown BPD about 8 years every year getting worse.  I've read so much and seen therapists... still difficult.  Every night I pray he dies in his sleep.  Is that horrible?  I don't care.  I would never do anything to him, but I won't be heartbroken - sad and would miss all the wonderful, fun, romantic times... but not enough to stop praying for this everyday until he is "cured" or not here.  It's exhausting.

So I guess hang in there with the rest of us. I would leave him but my 24 yr old has Asperger's and lives with us, I can't afford a place for 2 ppl.   And my husband doesn't think anything is wrong with him!  Wow LOL! 
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Damaged92

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« Reply #7 on: March 22, 2018, 05:30:11 PM »

Hi Speck,
Thank you for your encouraging words. You are right. It isn't about me. It never was. Taking a step back and reflecting  on things is the key.
I can't fix things. Never could. Change what I can and learn to live with the things that I can't change. An old mantra that I had forgotten. Lost in all the mess.The only real thing that I can change or hope to anyway is how I feel about me. Need to take care of myself. Need to stop beating myself up.
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Damaged92

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« Reply #8 on: March 22, 2018, 05:35:26 PM »

Sofi,
I don't think it's awful to have those thoughts because I've had them too.
Sometimes it's just too hard to bear. The absolute frustration that you will be feeling is suffocating and sometimes you just want and need it too end. I understand that you also have your son to consider which complicates matters for you. You just as want what's best for everyone. Please stay strong. Take care.
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Sofi

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« Reply #9 on: March 22, 2018, 07:20:17 PM »

Dear Damaged92,
thanks.  I have up and down days or really weeks.  
He just emailed me saying the article on Triggers i sent him made him think all about me and my triggers and he hopes i will work thru them!
 I literally cried and laughed at the same time!  
You just can’t make this stuff up I swear.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #10 on: March 23, 2018, 10:21:40 AM »

Dear Damaged and Sofi,
If you haven't already, please take a look at the topics in the sidebar. Also there are so many helpful tools to learn at the top of the page.

Just remember the 3 Cs: You didn't Cause it; You can't Cure it; You can't Control it.

However, you can control your response. And therein lies your power.

Please keep reading and telling us more of your story. We've walked in your shoes. We know what you're talking about.

 

 Cat
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« Reply #11 on: March 23, 2018, 06:06:55 PM »

Hello, Damaged92:

How are things going for you today?

Remember, we're here if you need to talk.


-Speck
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« Reply #12 on: March 24, 2018, 04:08:38 AM »

Hi Damaged 92 & welcome.

As others have said there are a wealth of resources and information on these boards.

You really need to take time for you and I know from experience how long it takes to process your thoughts and how you really feel, you are in good company here as we all are or have been going through the same thing.

Don't beat yourself up, you are certainly not stupid - we get drawn to people with BPD for a reason and once hooked can follow a pattern of behaviours that are dictated by the illness, on the whole I think we are kind people but I can see for me, now, that was mis-guided. In the process I lost myself and after 13 years I am finally finding the courage to see who I am and what I want - the how to get there is taking a bit longer. In that I have had to accept that a pwBPD cannot change unless I do, only I can break the cycle and yes that may mean ending the rs.

The 'horrible thoughts' are probably something we have all had, they will pass.

In peace
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« Reply #13 on: March 24, 2018, 08:25:18 PM »

You are here, that is a great step.

The experience, strength and hope here is healing, I believe.

People here know what you are dealing with.

It helps me when someone understands, helps me put things in to perspective.  You can do this, whatever this is.  You will get stronger.

It helped me to post and to read and respond on this board.  The community literally got me through some dark days.

I guess I am stronger, am still me, have learned not to obsess over him every minute of my life.

The r/s I had, may or may not ever come back.

At some point, I can be o.k.

When I let go, fully, I get freedom, and possibilities become present to me, that i never saw.

You are in a healing, safe, caring place.

Hang in there, j
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Damaged92

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« Reply #14 on: March 29, 2018, 05:23:17 PM »

Hi juju,
I've tried posting some of my story. It's difficult putting it into words. Hopefully it will give me some perspective. I think it helps knowing that there are others out there who understand. Thank you for your kind words and support.

 Hi ortac,
Thanks for responding. It's a relief that I am making some kind of sense and that other people can relate. I know this will be a long slow process. I just need the strength to keep going.

 Hi Speck,
Have posted some of my story. Took your advice. Cathartic in a way. Never done anything like that before. Always too scared to confront my own feelings about how things are. Thanks for listening.

Hi cat,
Have read some of the sidebars and understand what I should do. So just need the strength to follow through. Need to not react. Need to stay calm. Regain some control of my own life. Thanks for your support.

Wishing you all the best
D92
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Thea

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« Reply #15 on: March 30, 2018, 09:57:59 AM »

Im in 30 yrs. Im completely exhausted and traumatized.

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Damaged92

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« Reply #16 on: March 30, 2018, 11:00:46 AM »

Dear thea,
I know exactly how you must be feeling. He has whittled me down to a nub. I can't go on with the cyclical abuse. There is nothing left to give. I hate the way he makes me feel about mgself.
We have daughters. Two have left home and the third will leave in Sept to go to uni. There is no future for us. There never was. I have done my job and raised the children well. I need to get away from his parasitic clutches. Once and for all.
D92
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« Reply #17 on: April 06, 2018, 11:42:55 AM »

How are you doing now, Damaged? Hope you're finding some comfort in knowing that many of us have understanding of what you're going through.  
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« Reply #18 on: April 08, 2018, 11:04:04 AM »

Hello again, Damaged92:

I am so glad that you are awakening to the concept of taking care of YOU. We, here, are at varying stages of learning to take better care of ourselves, so we understand your journey. Self care and self regard is crucial to assisting us in crawling out box that we willingly climbed into many years ago. It sounds like you've popped the lid a crack.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

We're always here if you want to talk.


-Speck
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« Reply #19 on: April 09, 2018, 12:16:12 PM »

Hi, again, Damaged92.

Thanks for checking back in.  It's great to hear that you've started posting pieces of your story.  It sounds like you're making progress!

Excerpt
I have done my job and raised the children well.

When you first joined this site you sounded quite hard on yourself so it's lovely to hear this piece about raising your children - something you know you did well.  I know you still have a hard road ahead.  How are you feeling today?





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Damaged92

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« Reply #20 on: April 09, 2018, 04:32:57 PM »

Hi,
Thank you to all of you.
I have been taking some time out to reflect. To think about me. What do I want? What do I need? Where do I see all of this going?
I'm going on a little trip. Some time away. Basically some R and R. I feel that I need this to get my head straight. Been so long taking care of everyone else. Need to take a step back from all the drama. Can't focus if too close.
It's encouraging, all the positive comments. It's very comforting that I am able to post and get really helpful feedback.
Take care.
Damaged.
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Red5
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« Reply #21 on: April 10, 2018, 10:48:57 AM »

I have been taking some time out to reflect. To think about me. What do I want? What do I need? Where do I see all of this going?
I'm going on a little trip. Some time away. Basically some R and R. I feel that I need this to get my head straight. Been so long taking care of everyone else. Need to take a step back from all the drama. Can't focus if too close.

Good Morning Damaged92,

I've been reading down through your thread, and I can certainly relate to your post here.

Writing things out here, and then having the positive, and insightful responses has been immensely helpful to me, I am quite sure if I had gone on for much longer in my state of unknowing in regards to this psychological phenomena we call borderline personality disorder (BPD), .I am sure I would have lost it emotionally & mentally a while ago.

Twenty Six years is a very long time, and you have persevered through this, this indicates great courage and endurance to me about you.

You wrote that you are taking some time away, this is a very good thing as we do need time away from the daily grind of the BPD relationship (rs), as we all know it can be extremely exhausting, and it will cause you damage to your mental, as well physical heath over the long term if not given a respite once in a while.

I was at my wits end when I came here, I was ready for any change, even a destructive one as I was so weary from all the drama, and emotional/verbal abuse, and that's what it is, when you are on the receiving end for so long without relief.

I have come to realize however, that as we travel on through time in these BPD rs's... .and as we learn more and more, we may actually come to a point where it is no longer abuse to us, but we recognize we are caring for, and supporting in most cases a person who is emotionally delayed, ie' damaged, .who has an inner child that comes out and takes over when the dysregulations start, .one who cannot be reasoned with or led "to the light' so to speak, .yes; exhausting.

You do get lost in all of this, and if you are not careful, you will lose yourself entirely, that's where I was at... .now I have consigned myself; and I am now the role of a caretaker, .yes I do sometimes have a relationship with my u/BPD wife, .albeit rarely, and in no way consistently, even fleeting;... .as then she goes away, and the other person comes out for a while; a period of time... .

It reminds me of that movie "The Notebook"... .she is there for a little while, and then she is not... .and when she is not, she (the other one) is not a very nice person.

Hang in there Damaged92!

Best regards, Red5

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“We are so used to our own history, we do not see it as remarkable or out of the ordinary, whereas others might see it as horrendous. Further, we tend to minimize that which we feel shameful about.” {Quote} Patrick J. Carnes / author,
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« Reply #22 on: April 14, 2018, 02:20:21 PM »

Hi there, Damaged92:

Just checking in to see about you.

Please feel free to let us know how best to support you.


-Speck
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lostdorothy

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« Reply #23 on: April 16, 2018, 09:23:23 PM »

Hi Damaged92,

I wanted to comment about your post about not talking about your home life and being embarrassed.
I went through that for a long time also. Finally, things got so bad that people in my life started to notice that things were not right.
I broke down and told my family and friends everything that I had been holding in. Im am here to tell you what a relief it was to let that out.
They did not judge and I did not feel embarrassed. They helped me to realize how bad it really was. When you are in a BPD relationship for a long time you have no concept of normal. They helped me realize that I was in a toxic and potentially dangerous situation. And guess what? It helped me to make the decision to get out.
I want to know that there is nothing to be embarrassed about. You will find more support than you can imagine and it just may be your saving grace. Stay strong and don't be afraid to reach out.
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AskingWhy
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« Reply #24 on: April 16, 2018, 09:45:25 PM »

Hi. I have been in 26 year relationship with male BPD. Really can't take anymore. Tried understanding. Tried everything! The constant deflecting, mood swings, avoidance, splitting, has lighting, aggression, bullying, verbal abuse, rages, jealousy, abandonment issues eff have finally wore me downhill am nothing. Can't deal with it anymore and he will never ever change. I need to stop this before I have no life left. The toll it has taken on me both physically and emotionally is ridiculous and I cannot believe how stupid I have been.


Damaged, this first post of yours sums up my marriage to my uBPD/uNPD H.  I can totally relate.

Yes, once you get over the pain, shock, anger and surprise, you feel embarrassed.  And, yes, you feel stupid.

It's hard to get over feeling stupid after 26 years.  (I have been in for more than 20 years.) 

Once I started looking at just how wrong things were with my H, I searched and understood the man is really, truly sick.  I look at just how messed up his family is from his parents and his siblings to his ex W and his children.

The puzzle pieces all came together.

I no longer blame myself for being a part of this circus.  I no longer cry when my H verbally rips into me, threatens divorce, insults me and name-calls.  I know H is very ill.  Only a very sick man would treat is W this way.  OTOH, his adult children are his NPD supply.  They worship him with unconditional praise (I call it sucking up) because he will open his wallet at a moment's notice.  As teens, they abused him horribly when they came to visit him from another state.  (His ex W had custody after he took them when she married her lover and obtained a divorce from H.)

The hardest thing about being a non in a BPD relationship is coming to terms with just how unhealthy things are.  We learn to accept the unhealthy as "normal."



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« Reply #25 on: April 26, 2018, 02:24:43 PM »

Hey, Damaged92!

How did the trip you took in early April go? Just popping in to say, "hi."


-Speck
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