This was our song. Share your’s. What did it mean to you?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

https://youtu.be/tSIp2dGxeqY

[JNChell]

https://youtu.be/tSIp2dGxeqY

[Jeffree]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKhYx9pIWAg

During the best of times, this song encapsulated everything I felt about my STBx.

J

[randomuser94]

   Well... we didn't had a song. There were multiple songs she would sing for me. Mostly love songs. But she started writing a book about me called "I'm marring you". She posted the first part on the internet.
  I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic and felt for it.

[Harley Quinn]

We didn't have 'a' song as much as we had many.  He would often communicate his feelings by sending me a song.  This was the last one I ever received. 

https://youtu.be/sUJkCXE4sAA?list=PL2tMgWgIvcWnpy6by9T0ZKyxLcZ2W4Pcs

Listening to this now takes me back to how I felt when I was in receipt of it.  So many tears... .

Love and light x

[JNChell]

Hey Jeffree. I couldn’t get your link to open.

[JNChell]

randomuser94, what a gut punch it must be knowing that your ex pwBPD was writing that book. I’m so sorry about that. You know though, it makes me wonder if maybe she really felt that way at the time. That you did have that impact on her. I had to give some thought to what I just said in the sense of if I should state that. What I just told you isn’t a sentiment of hope, it’s merely a curiosity of “what was”.

I don’t know how much you’ve learned about BPD up to this point in your journey. BPD, along with the other Cluster B’s, resides on a spectrum. The severity of the disorder, case by case, varies in enormous ways. They may be severe in criteria A, B and C, but score low in criteria X, Y and Z. Make sense?

Don’t feel bad for being a hopeless romantic. It’s ok to be that. The key, with folks like us, is to be hopeless romantics that are in tune with our feelings, values, boundaries, self esteem and tolerance. I’m with you on this. I’m very far off the mark in my own healing. Good people like you participating in these threads helps everyone involved. Thanks for posting randomuser94. I’m looking forward to seeing you on the board more.

[JNChell]

Harley Quinn! I couldn’t get through the whole thing. Thanks for participating in this thread as always. BTW, Brian May is one hell of a guitar player!

Knowing what you know now, how do you interpret the “how it makes me feel” lines in the song?

In the beginning, my ex and I shared music constantly. We’d have burnt CD’s for one another every time we saw each other. Honestly, I miss that. She would, like your ex, text me songs to apologize or state how she was feeling. It was sweet for a while, but eventually I yearned to hear her tell me what the songs were telling me. With her own voice. It was almost like the songs were telling her how she should feel. It was just another part of the decline.

[Harley Quinn]

Good question JNChell.  Knowing what I know now, and what I knew then even, I hear how desperately unsafe he felt being abandoned in his eyes. 

It was deeply painful to receive this song at the precise moment that I did.  I knew there was no hope for us, and I had to save myself or go down with the ship.  Thankfully I had more than myself to think of or I might have even signed up for that.  Still the hardest thing I think I ever had to do.  I loved him completely.  With all of his dysfunction.  It felt like putting a small, vulnerable, defenceless child out onto the street to fend for himself.  Despite him being a big strong (at least physically) man who used that strength against me.  It was a very confusing time emotionally and I was seriously torn.

Yes, I think I can safely say that listening to that song takes me back.  How blessed I feel to no longer be in that place.  Things look very different from further along the road.

She would, like your ex, text me songs to apologize or state how she was feeling. It was sweet for a while, but eventually I yearned to hear her tell me what the songs were telling me. With her own voice. It was almost like the songs were telling her how she should feel. It was just another part of the decline.

I hear you on this.  It was hard to accept that he was unable to put into words his thoughts and feelings any longer and like you I felt he was being guided on how he should feel about things, rather than being real with himself.  Maybe that was an indicator of the devaluation stage kicking in and him covering for that. 

I'd be interested to see what songs others add as 'their song'.

Love and light x

[randomuser94]

  I guess i wasn't the only one that 'read' her state using the song she was listening to. She was... .or at least told me she's unable to express herself sometimes and the songs she was listening were a window to her feelings.

[JNChell]

o randomuser94, that sounds very familiar to a few of the posts here. We never were, and never will be the only one to these folks. They’ll take things from the relationship that we had with them, and use it in the next one. They don’t possess identity. Your ex doesn’t know who they are.

[Jeffree]

The song is Someone Like You by Van Morrison.

[stixx44]

I received this from her in her very last text to me (I did not reply).

https://youtu.be/ERirtprLkPU

[Cromwell]

the majority of "our" songs were in fact (and I only really noticed it later on) were all my songs I listened to and she had taken them as her favourites to as she said "I listen to this all the time when your gone".

ok, flattered considering im not the biggest fan of music and my taste is really personal, broad based without being attached to any particular genre.

she had a handful of songs she said she liked, and I found them good aswell, until... .i discovered they were all songs from her other exs that she had collected an assimiliated a patchwork of different songs from them as ways of holding on to their memories.

Stixx44, listened to that one you posted.

there was a time I would cry when I would get messages like that, because I knew the songs were not to be shared for heartfelt reasons but as a form of mind-control propaganda.

[JNChell]

Hi stixx44! Thanks for joining the thread. 

It must’ve been hard to receive that song as her last text to you. I’m sorry about that. It doesn’t seem fair how open ended things are left when these relationships finally deteriorate.

Why we even tried I haven't a clue

This verse really stuck out with me. I’m wondering how you feel about who really did the trying in your relationship with your ex. Thanks for contributing, stixx44!

[JNChell]

Cromwell, good to see you again!

You know, I can’t help but wonder if what you described in your post is a form of mirroring. Was this just another way for them to show us something that we wanted to see?

I can kind of relate here as well. During a desperate stage of information seeking, I came across a dating site page that she’d abandoned and not deleted. The “favorite music” section was mostly my favorite artists. As petty as it sounds, I was a little floored by this. I’m gaining a better understanding of it now. I’m glad you stopped by, Cromwell.

[JNChell]

Hey there, Jeffree.

Great song! I’ve been a fan of his for quite some time. And It Stoned Me was in my cover song catalog when I used to perform. How does it feel when you listen to that song now, if you do? I’m quite clear on how you feel about your stbxwBPD. I’m just curious is all. Hopefully, I’ll eventually be further along in this, and where you are now. Thanks for posting, Jeffree.

[Cromwell]

Cromwell, good to see you again!

You know, I can’t help but wonder if what you described in your post is a form of mirroring. Was this just another way for them to show us something that we wanted to see?

I can kind of relate here as well. During a desperate stage of information seeking, I came across a dating site page that she’d abandoned and not deleted. The “favorite music” section was mostly my favorite artists. As petty as it sounds, I was a little floored by this. I’m gaining a better understanding of it now. I’m glad you stopped by, Cromwell.

Hi Nchell

It is nice to be able to chat you in person. For what its worth I recall your guitar avatar at the time I browsed these boards during the worst moments I was still in the relationship looking for not answers but trying to comprehend just what was going on. music was a big theme of our relationship together, she would often sing and I felt it came across as someone so confident, happy-go-lucky and it lifted me out of the hard times I was going through at the time I met her. I thought she was good at dancing too, two traits that I admired as Ive never been great at either. I often think that in the times she felt bad for treating me like she had, that she knew how to uplift me. Cynically, I could also think that she enjoyed making me feel low and making me feel great. I believe this is true aswell and speaks about some deep rooted control issues. when she was to punish me she would send me a song, cryptic enough in the sense where you could not say "oh, you are trying to hurt me by those lyrics" but crystal clear in getting the message across to what she was trying to say.

I firmly believe it is a form of mirroring but that this is only one part of it. the other part of it is what I discovered later when she would tell me she wore clothes that she knew "I" liked her to wear, including sometimes my own clothes or it got to the point I would buy her clothes and she would wear them constantly as her "favourite" ever. Her other songs were a patchwork of her former relationships or what other friends listened to and she would replay them ad nauseum. She did here and there talk about a certain song and if I said I didnt like it, it was never spoken about again. I think it is about identity-building via using other people as role models. We all do this to varying extents, but at least in my experience it was done to extreme. I can only imagine now that we are apart that either she has kept all these things as a metaphysical way of keeping some form of contact with me (in contrast i destroyed everything of her, pictures, gifts the lot).

Society is part to blame for the rise of BPD behaviours, or at least making them worse, it encourages people to behave in the same way on a mass level, especially tv sitcoms like "friends" she was addicted to or pop music with associated fashion. How can anyone claim to be so unique and individual if they are all doing the exact same thing as others?

she often said compared to other people she found me "one of a kind", and for someone she would paint black so much it is surprising how much she would emulate me. when she found a different "favourite person" the whole process began again. 

what makes me cringe the most is how much she admired me when I was at the lowest point in my life I met her, which in hindsight, explains a lot why i put up with so much as I did. I stopped ironing my clothes, didnt care for my appearance, was highly addicted to drugs and a lifestyle of having totally lost the ego. listened to music that i regard as trash now. I had opportunities despite all this to have had relationships with attractive, confident women, but I couldnt imagine what they saw in me and didnt feel comfortable to be with them. She was very attractive but her idolisation in me is what gave me comfort. which gives me the clue that this is what made her feel that I wouldnt abandon her so easily.

anyway, song time!  I never shared this one with her, but I feel it means a lot to both of us for what is now the ending of it. I hope it would be my message to her from the NC and her not able to fully detach as much as I found it the same. "be myself, movin on, say goodbye... .to be free"

T42 - melody blue.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GR4qpxIaAI
I'd look up to the rainbow,
cause I have turn to be free
I'm searching for the freedom
To stream into the ocean.
To be myself,
movin' on
Say goodbye to be free
Be myself, movin' on
Say goodbye to be
free
Be myself

[PianoDood]

Do you want to hear something really strange? I've been a musician all of my life, so music is a huge part of me. I personally had many songs that reminded me of my wife. But we really didn't have a song that jointly was significant for our relationship. Am I the only one? Early in the relationship, before we got married, she used to send me links to songs that she said reminded her of me and how she felt about me. But all of that stopped from her side after the idealization. But, it never stopped from me. Since I do not have a song or we didn't have a song that was significant for our relationship jointly, I'm going to post the last link I sent to her via text message about a week before she discarded in January. I sort of interpret the lyrics to this song especially the hook line differently now. She had become the biggest part of me because I had lost myself.

https://youtu.be/RuMnXi7L7wE

[JNChell]

Glad you chimed in, PianoDood! That song is a perfect fit for what you described. We’d do anything to make them see the light. “Just tell me what you need me to do, for you”. We surrendered to them, and they knew it. Once reality sets in, after the honeymoon phase, it seems like pwBPD aren’t able to be vulnerable anymore. It was probably quite a task for them to be vulnerable as long as they were, but they were surviving. They knew that they had to be vulnerable to hook us, and to hook us quickly. Many of us are rescuers. They may find comfort in sporadic, sexual relationships, but they are searching for love. They are searching for “The One”. Sadly, without acknowledgement, introspect, accountability and a solid treatment plan, they will never find it. They’ll live their life blaming everything around them and it’s heartbreaking.

PianoDood, you’ve given great insight on the board. The great thing about this place is that we all support each other here. This place is built on synergy, and I think you’ve picked up on that. Thanks for getting involved.

[Cromwell]

Do you want to hear something really strange? I've been a musician all of my life, so music is a huge part of me. I personally had many songs that reminded me of my wife. But we really didn't have a song that jointly was significant for our relationship. Am I the only one? Early in the relationship, before we got married, she used to send me links to songs that she said reminded her of me and how she felt about me. But all of that stopped from her side after the idealization. But, it never stopped from me. Since I do not have a song or we didn't have a song that was significant for our relationship jointly, I'm going to post the last link I sent to her via text message about a week before she discarded in January. I sort of interpret the lyrics to this song especially the hook line differently now. She had become the biggest part of me because I had lost myself.

https://youtu.be/RuMnXi7L7wE

amazing song! ive never heard before thanks for sharing it PianoDood.

I particularly liked the line Ain't no risk, now
In lettin' my love rain down on you
So we could wash away the past
So that we may start anew

what I found special about her is that we both had issues from our pasts, there was a feeling on my part that by giving everything I could, all the love it would fade the past and bring her happiness. This really was part of the biggest disappointment and thanks for sharing a song that encapsuates that better than my words could describe.

As far as having "our song", it used to make me cringe a lot when a song might play and she would say "oh this song reminds me of one of my exs", it was something I assumed it was "their song", but the way I see it now is that they were songs that she attributed to them as some type of nostalgia.

as for not having had a shared song. I think it could be due to difficulty in taking ownership the part of not having a stable identity. How can you share anything with someone else if you havent yet established yourself? For most people it seems like something not to even consider, we take having our own identity for granted, likes, dislikes. but as my ex said to me once, "i have no soul", I sort of shrugged it off as silly talk, but as I learned more it makes sense. Having someone send you a song as a message how they feel is not taking ownership, it is still communicating via a 3rd party. another form of triangulation because every song can be interpreted differently.

I play this one to myself a lot, now no contact for 6 months, as she has calmed down the stalking recently but songs like this keep me strong to be aware just how much when I parted from her, the more she would go to extremes to keep me hooked in. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZFd5w_IoBQ

Seeing her as a stalker which she is, with more grudges than lonely high court judges, (love that line) helps rather than having the songs that I ascribed to her of how much love I felt. Im personally glad there was no particular song she chose as 'ours'... .one less thing to be PTSD triggered by.  

Cromwell

[JNChell]

Cromwell, I once had a guitar just like it.

The societal factors that you speak of stick out to me. I will touch on this briefly, but this board is for detaching from pwBPD. I agree with very much of what you stated. I believe that social media is one of the biggest factors in the increase of Cluster B activity. We also need to look at the generational impacts of parenting meeting these social constructs that are big biz, head on. I’m leaving that subject here as far as conversation goes. There is an interesting thread about FB that is active on the site. I’ll get you the link.

I often think that in the times she felt bad for treating me like she had, that she knew how to uplift me. Cynically, I could also think that she enjoyed making me feel low and making me feel great. I believe this is true aswell and speaks about some deep rooted control issues.

I think this is a very wise reflection. If you think about it, control is essential in our lives. Mainly, self control. pwBPD lack self control, but, control is essential. This is where projection, deflection and mirroring play out. I believe you’re right on this. It was about control. It was about them taking our control from us, and keeping it as their own. They don’t have their own, and they covet that. Their need to know themselves and to have an identity is beyond comprehension. Does this make sense?

[JNChell]

Here’s the link, Cromwell. You should chime in. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=322905

[JNChell]

Townes Van Zandt was a very clever songwriter. This is the sequel to the original song I posted.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lWQOBfkZPMY

[Jeffree]

JNChell,

I do still listen to that song. It has become a part of my DNA. Whereas it once encapsulated my whole journey to being with my STBx, it now represents the feelings I hope to feel again about someone else.

J

[JNChell]

I feel you on that, Jeffree. I’m not sure I’ll ever get there again. You?

[Jeffree]

Don't think so, but that might have to be OK. It was incredible while it lasted.

J

[JNChell]

Yeah... .