I am done Part 2 finally good news ...

[jones54]

Here is I am done - Part 1

Well, I have had to start under a heading for Part 2. This has been going on so long I guess I reached my limit. Last week my daughter finally agreed to go to rehab after the director of the rehab unit actually went to the homeless shelter and spoke with her. I was so grateful. Unfortunately they did not have a bed at the time. So she had to wait till yesterday to go in. I found out yesterday that that she had not shown up to sleep at the homeless shelter on Saturday and Sunday. They did not know where she was. Found out she was in Jail. She got caught shoplifting (alcohol I am sure). Was released yesterday from jail. The rehab unit and the homeless shelter tried multiple times to contact her to no avail. She disappeared. I am sure she went out again to drink or drug. Not sure when but she showed up to the shelter and was there this morning. She is now giving resistance to go to the rehab unit. She really has no other options at this point. She has no money. Has sold everything except the few clothes that she has. She literally has nothing. I am sure she has been stealing liquor and finally was caught yesterday. This is the lowest I have ever seen my BPD addicted daughter in her whole life. I am sure it  is because her mother and I have pulled back completely. Hardest thing we have ever done.  I still feel it is the right thing. She did OD last week as well and was in the ER. I do not feel she has any money left to buy heroin. I have been praying so hard that God will give her the desperation she needs to go to rehab and start her life over. I am hopeful she will go in today.  It is so hard to keep seeing her fall farther down. I am grateful at this point she is still alive.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[1hope]

Jones,
My heart goes out to you!  You are clearly in the hardest stage with your daughter, and are fighting to do what you know is right.  That doesn't make it any easier though!  Please know that we are all here for you! 
Try to do something that you enjoy today or tomorrow.  (I know it's hard to even think of something when you're in the eye of the storm.) It can be something simple... .get an ice cream cone, go for a walk, watch your favourite movie, listen to music... .

Hugs to you and your family!
1hope

[zachira]

You feel like you have reached your limit with your daughter, and maybe there is nothing more you can do.
Before you give up, I am wondering if anybody skilled in Motivational Interviewing has ever worked with your daughter? Motivational Interviewing has been the most successful and highly regarded treatment for alcoholics and drug addicts for at least the last 20 years. I have used it with some life long alcoholics and drug addicts and seen some amazing results. I hope you are taking some time out for yourself to do things that you love. It is exhausting to love a child and then have so much heartbreak. Let us know how we can help!

[jones54]

Thank you so much for your replies and support. I finally have great news! My daughter finally hit rock bottom. She signed herself into rehab yesterday. She will be at a residential program that she actually attended years ago and actually did quite well afterwards. It is an all women rehab where they all live together in this old Victorian house. The Executive Director is someone I actually know and is wonderful person. She is a counselor and also is trained in DBT. She will only counsel one person at a time due to her other duties. She has agreed to take my daughter on to counsel. After 6 months of constant let downs, I am elated. I know there is a long road ahead and a lot of work for her to do but finally she is going in a better direction. I give all thanks to God for this to happen. I am so grateful as well to everyone who has supported me here. Most people do not understand what a parent goes thru with this illness but everyone here can relate and understand. I am grateful for this web site and for all who participate. I questioned many times what I was doing with the no contact and boundaries that I put up. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life pulling back and waiting. The support I received here was invaluable. There is a long road ahead for her but this is the first time SHE decided to get help for herself. I will continue to pray for her to realize she is the person to get better and the work is up to her. I will always be there for her emotionally in every way.

[zachira]

I am so glad you have found some really good treatment for your daughter. Sometimes rock bottom is when a person is most receptive to treatment. DBT is a well respected and well know effective treatment for BPD.  By the time many addicts hit rock bottom, many family members are no longer involved because they are all worn out from the ups and downs, the periods of no contact, the relapses, etc. You are a wonderful father to keep supporting your daughter, and your involvement in her treatment will mean a great deal to her. There will be others in her treatment program who will not have any family support. Please share with us your journey, and any ways we can better help parents. You have a lot of experience and any tips you can give us on how to better engage parents who contact us would be greatly appreciated.

[wendydarling]

jones54 this is absolutely wonderful, wonderful news! I'm so very happy for you, your daughter got there, she made HER decision, I wish her well in her recovery. What relief you must be feeling to know your daughter is safe in the program after all these long, long months of torment and worry. You've been through the wringer jones, you stood firm and that is hard to do with what you were faced. You did it and she did it.

It's great to hear the counsellor you know has taken your daughter on, I hope that gives you comfort and confidence she's in the best of hands, that really gave me peace of mind. It is a long journey ahead, it's going in the right direction. Is your daughter familiar with DBT?

You and your daughter are in my thoughts tonight   

[1hope]

Jones,
I'm so happy to read that your daughter has taken such a huge step forward!  I hope you are finding peace in that difficult decision that you made.  Your strength will be what she sees when she comes out the other side of her treatment!  Congratulations!
1hope

[jones54]

Thanks for everyone's kind words. My daughter actually was in DBT years ago. I am sure it was at least 12 years ago. The sad thing is I remember her saying when she went thru the course that she was "high" most of the time so she was really not learning anything. I am hopeful she will be much more serious about her recovery and therapy this time. She actually called me yesterday and wanted to thank me and say she loved me. She will be going to court on Monday for her shoplifting arrest. She asked if I would accompany her before the judge since one of her therapists will be going as well. I said yes. She has felt for years that I have excluded her. In actuality it has been her who excluded herself with her addictions and being "angry" at her family. She asked if I would be willing to do therapy with her there while she is in rehab. Of course I agreed (that was what I was trying to do with her before she went off the deep end with her addiction). Believe it or not, even after all this time and with her finally starting her recovery, I still get anxious. I know she has a long road ahead but I need to be grateful where she is at right now. She is safe and surrounded by caring people. As they say in Alanon/AA... ."one day at a time".
I will be hopeful we can move ahead. The therapist that her mother and I are working with is going to help us with better communication skills with our daughter. Hopefully with her working to get better and us working to communicate better, the relationships will improve.

[mggt]

Dear Jones  Great news  Big step for your d to decide this on her own  Like you said one day at a time  but Im sure you are sleeping a little better today Wishing you all the best Great start for your d   

[wendydarling]

I guess you will be anxious, you've been on constant high alert for so long, keep up the self care. That's so lovely she called to thank you and that she loves you ... .welling up here jones. Yes day by day. I told your story to my daughter (she knows I'm a member of a support group, not which one), I sometimes do that, it's a good way of opening up a conversation and gaining her viewpoint and general chit chat around mental health issues, I learn from her. She asked me to share with you DBT is a way of life, a great way of life and opportunity to grow, there is a great mental health community out there that can support your daughter if she wants to reach out at some point, she's not alone and to wish you and your daughter all the very best. Have you ever considered doing DBT? you can online.

Yes day by day.

[jones54]

Yes, mggt, I am finally sleeping much better at night. That was one the more difficult things is not sleeping well. Wendydarling, I have never thought about doing DBT for myself. I have read a little bit about it. I guess something to think about. My daughter seems to be stable at this point. I did speak with her again on the phone. Her head seems to be clear. Not sure when I am supposed to get involved with her counseling sessions. I will leave all of that up to the therapist.
I do struggle with discussing my daughter with my girlfriend. We have been together for sometime. Never have any discord between us on anything except when we talk about my daughter. I have always been too "involved" with trying to "save" my daughter. This has always bothered my girlfriend (she wants me to let her figure things out on her own... .she is right).  This time was the first time I really stepped back. Thru the years I have struggled letting my girlfriend know all that is going on with my daughter because I fear getting into an argument. It has even gotten to the point when I have not been totally honest with her due to my fears of her not agreeing. People have said "she does not need to know everything that is going on" but usually she eventually finds something out and then she gets very mad at me for not being honest. I know that is wrong on my part but I struggle with all of this. I have not told her I will be accompanying my daughter to court on Monday.  I fear she will think I am going to try to get the judge to be lenient on her. I am going because her therapist is going and she asked if I would come as well. Bothers me that I feel I cannot be upfront with my girlfriend. I have long lived in this triangle with me, my daughter and my girlfriend. I have longed for everyone to just get along but realize these type of relationships are out of my control. The only thing I can control is myself. Sorry to expound on this but at the moment that is what I am thinking. Having a BPD child sure complicates your life.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi jones

Wendydarling, I have never thought about doing DBT for myself. I have read a little bit about it. I guess something to think about.

Have you read Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder , in her book Shari shares with us some of the tools and lessons to your right,   DBT based, I know as my DD who's been through DBT shares back with me, she keeps me on my toes, is good!
 

I do struggle with discussing my daughter with my girlfriend. We have been together for sometime. Never have any discord between us on anything except when we talk about my daughter. I have always been too "involved" with trying to "save" my daughter. This has always bothered my girlfriend (she wants me to let her figure things out on her own... .she is right).  This time was the first time I really stepped back. Thru the years I have struggled letting my girlfriend know all that is going on with my daughter because I fear getting into an argument. It has even gotten to the point when I have not been totally honest with her due to my fears of her not agreeing. People have said "she does not need to know everything that is going on" but usually she eventually finds something out and then she gets very mad at me for not being honest. I know that is wrong on my part but I struggle with all of this. I have not told her I will be accompanying my daughter to court on Monday.  I fear she will think I am going to try to get the judge to be lenient on her. I am going because her therapist is going and she asked if I would come as well. Bothers me that I feel I cannot be upfront with my girlfriend. I have long lived in this triangle with me, my daughter and my girlfriend. I have longed for everyone to just get along but realize these type of relationships are out of my control. The only thing I can control is myself. Sorry to expound on this but at the moment that is what I am thinking. Having a BPD child sure complicates your life.

jones, you are there balancing yourself right now, finding your way. It's your way, that's what works. Can your partner see how far you've come over this last year? She may feel differently now?

WDx

[jones54]

Wendydarling, it has always been a struggle with her for the past 10 years. It does not help that my daughter does not like her. Believe it or not we got engaged 12 years ago but she has never felt comfortable moving ahead. She has never been married and does have trust issues. Not a good combo with someone like me with a BPD daughter and addiction issues (and an enabling father in the past). I have changed so much thru the years and I think she can see this but she still always brings up she cannot trust me because I may do something but am afraid to discuss it with her because she will be in total disagreement with what I did and get upset. So I may not tell her something and she eventually finds out and will be mad I was not up front with her. It really is a bad situation. Very odd because I speak totally freely with my ex about my daughter and feel totally comfortable to tell her anything regarding our daughter. I do not like that I need to "sneak around " what is going on with my daughter and I have even said to her I fear her getting upset with me. She feels that is an excuse. Do not get me wrong, my girlfriend is a wonderful person in every other regard and it is only the relationship related to my daughter that is an issue. My girlfriend can be very black and white with her principals. She has never had children so I think there is another factor not knowing the connection a parent has with their children.
My therapist said my ex and I should be congratulated with how we did pulling back and having boundaries. I admit at the end I was in great fear over her dying from an OD,( she did OD twice in the last 4 weeks). I may have communicated more with the people at the homeless shelter as well as the person at the rehab where she eventually agreed to go to but I in no way was controlling what would happen. In years past her mother and I would "rescue" her. Pick her up and put her in rehab without her asking to go. We did that maybe 5 or 6 times. It bothers me that now that we pulled back to make her finally decide for herself to go to rehab, my girlfriend still thinks I was involved too much. All I did was listen to the people who were connecting with my daughter at the homeless shelter but my girlfriend still feels I had too much input and was not enough for my daughter to truly ask for help by herself. I guess we will just have to see how she does. I am just grateful she is now alive and someplace safe. Funny how I can switch worrying about my daughter then worrying about my relationship with my girlfriend. Seems like I need to be better with all of this. I should also say I am getting tired of not moving ahead with my girlfriend. I have tried for years but she always finds a reason (trust) not to move ahead. Once my daughter is stable, I think I need to make a decision for myself to move on to other pastures.

[wendydarling]

Hi jones

How did court go? How's your daughter engaging in treatment, it's early days, I guess it's whether overtime you see small nuggets of change from previous rehabs, it's her responsibility. With my DD they were almost invisible, internal to her till she felt comfortable to share, show, I stood back, she was in treatment, she knew I was walking with her all the way that's the one thing I shared with her, she can do this, we are both doing our very best.

Your therapist is bang on! Many congratulations to you and your ex, I hope your daughter in time is able to feel kindness and gratitude. I say that as my DD following DBT has been able to feel kindness and gratitude of those who stood by her and continue to help her through as she continues to take on her responsibility to be well.

jones, I'd take your time with your fiancé, as you say you've made big changes these last few years, you and your ex are relieved your daughter has made a step to help herself. If your daughter continues to help herself, your fiancé may feel relieved, like you and your ex. I guess my Q is can you all get on the same page?

WDx

[jones54]

Hi Wendydarling,
Court went fine (as good as could be expected). The judge was something who understands addiction very well which I believed helped. It was a bit uncomfortable for me being there but one of her therapists was there as well. My dd actually rode with me and we had some time together. It went quite well. She was very appropriate and apologetic for putting her parents thru all that has happened in the last few months with her addiction. No arguments at all between us (so nice for a change). You are absolutely correct in that this is all her responsibility now. We are happy to be involved as an emotional support but it is up to her to stay clean and make progress with her therapy.
  I think you are spot on as well with my fiance. I need to slow down on this. There have been many times she has gotten upset with me related to situations with my daughter. I think I need to prove myself by not enabling but I am hopeful with time we (me, her mother and my fiance) can all get on the same page. This is going to take a long time. I just need to let go of my frustration with my fiance not willing to move ahead. If my daughter does what she is supposed to do and I am doing what I am supposed to do (not enabling and letting her do her own recovery) and this has been going on for many months, I will need to think about what is best for me and my future. It is not that I want to break up but there has to come to a point in time where I need to face reality. You are right. I need to slow down on this concern of mine and see if things do not improve as my daughter (hopefully) improves. I so much appreciate your input (especially from a female perspective).

[wendydarling]

How's it going jones, how are you? 

[jones54]

Hi Wendydarling,
Thanks for checking in. Everything with my daughter seems very good. She seems like a different person. Not sure if it is because she is off the drugs or what. She has been in the rehab house for a month. We actually had breakfast on last Sunday. We were going to go to church but it was closed due to bad weather here. We had a very nice time together. No outbursts. I told her that her brother and his wife were expecting. She was taken back and was going to get made by stating "she is never included in the family". I then explained with all her addictions recently we lost touch with her and she was never around to tell her. She seemed to handle my answer and everything was fine. What a change from a year of hate texts. I suspect it is her now being sober and hopefully her discussions with the therapists. She has asked her mom and I to eventually be included in the sessions.
As far as my fiance, things are are not perfect. I have always had a hard time talking to her about my daughter. She is very black and white. We have been together for 15 years and engaged for 13 of them. I am struggling right now as to whether to leave. You said last time to slow it down and I agree. I do not want to break it off but she does not like my relationship with my daughter. I at times withhold my contacts with my daughter in fear she will get mad at me. I have always been an enabler (minimal to none now) but my fiance feels I am going to go back to my old self. When I hold back on info and she asks something I have not been truthful at times because I do not want her to disagree and get upset with me. I should be totally honest. She always seems to find out later and gets very upset with me (which is understandable).  Funny because in our relationship that is our only area of discord. Unfortunately that is a big one since my daughter is not going away.  My fiance is probably more upset with me than anything but she does not like my daughter (feeling is mutual). This is a real struggle for me. My fiance also does not like that I am still meeting with my ex and a therapist about my daughter weekly. It was interesting that my daughter suggested at breakfast that I get back together with her mom. I was caught off guard by this. My ex and I seem to get along better than me and my fiance when it come to our daughter.
I am going to sit tight a bit longer and let the waters calm between myself and my fiance (really my girlfriend since she has never made any effort to move ahead with me). But to be truthful, I am seriously considering having us take a break from each other and see how we feel. Sad that I struggled for so long with my daughter's issues and now that she has stabilized I am focused on my relationship with my fiance. I am afraid to break it off but am losing hope that she will ever move ahead. Sorry that this is less about BPD but that is where my focus is right now.

[Faith Spring]

Hey Jones, thanks for sharing your honesty.  Makes sense to me that you'd see the light on all things including the relationship w your girlfriend.  It's like a light has been shed and now you can see what you need to see, especially your own boundaries.  I hope that light continues to shine for you. 

[wendydarling]

Faith Spring, so true, shine the light.

Jones, it’s amazing your daughter seems like a different person, she’s making steady progress-good for her! You deserve every moment of calm, you’ve consistently and clearly communicated your boundaries, what’s in and what’s out, she’s listening to you. I'm so glad you had a nice time together, the scene has been set   and I guess many kids would like their parents to be together when they see them 'working well together' like you and your ex.

Do you plan to attend church together again? Consistency may help her and your relationship, it’s a safe space. I ask you, as when my daughter was in the women’s crisis home, struggling big time, they visited the local Buddhist Centre, my DD found moments of peace, small stepping stones and hope to build upon. You’ve reminded me of an old post of mine to a father whose DD was drinking as my DD did, ‘fill the space with DBT’, that’s what my DD did, my point is that ‘space’ can be filled with all things positive, these last two weeks DD’s learning to knit, a friend is teaching her, she’s loving it and it’s something she never thought she’d be able to do. I’m now rambling …

We talk about everything here jones, US, our children, family, parents, co-parenting, partners, ex partners, sibs, friends, relationships …... bpdfamily healing platform.  You are struggling right now whether to leave your fiancé, have a break... .she's not moving ahead. Have you read the lessons on the relationship boards, you may find the Conflicted lessons helpful as you are work towards Choosing a Path. Your doing great jones, I know how hard this is for you and you are sad, I hear you.

[jones54]

Thanks for your replies. I hope to go to church with her again. No doubt she needs God in her life. She just left a message with me and her mom that she would like to spend next Saturday afternoon with the two of us since her birthday is next week. I am happy to do this but struggle in that my girlfriend will not like the idea. She does not like my ex and that we see a therapist together. I know I should just bite the bullet and go (which I would like to do) but do worry about how my girlfriend will react that my ex will be there as well. I would rather just go and say I am going to be just with my daughter but if my girlfriend found out my ex was there she would think I am "sneeking around". That would be worse. I understand her concerns with the three of us being together but it is for her birthday. I just wish she would not be upset if this is what we do. Not sure the best way to approach her with this.

[RunningWithScissors]

Jones54 - I've been following your posts and have noted the underlying storyline about your girlfriend.  It can be difficult to mediate between two people but perhaps the concept of boundaries can help clarify a course of action.  Why not tell your GF that you'll be attending the upcoming event, and let her decide if she wants to be there or not?  That way, everything is out in the open, you've made your position clear (and you don't need to JADE), and she gets to choose her next steps.  If she attends, great - if she doesn't, that's fine too, but it will be her choice. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jones54]

Running with scissors,
Thanks for the suggestion but inviting my girlfriend along would be a total disaster. My ex and daughter totally dislike my girlfriend. It has been very difficult for me. I honestly see no resolution to all of this. I am set to go with my ex to celebrate my daughters birthday on Saturday. My girlfriend is very upset and always feels I am putting her second by being with my ex. She hates that I go to therapy weekly with my ex to make things better with my daughter. I am totally frustrated  by all of this. Had a big blow up last night with my girlfriend who stated repeatedly that I have never put her first. All I have ever wanted is for everyone to get along. I need to do what I need to do for rebuilding my relationship with my daughter. So difficult because my girlfriend so dislikes my daughter and hates how  difficult it has been for me. She always calls her the "elephant" in the room. Yes, it has been so bad for years with my daughter and I have not handle the whole situation very well thru the years. I have gotten manipulated by my daughter and when this happens my girlfriend has gotten so mad at me. I am tired of not feeling good in this relationship with my girlfriend. I so not want to end it since we have been together for 15 years and I do care about her. I think she is tired of me and how I have been.  I do not want to be alone. I want my life different. I am so grateful my daughter is sober now and safe but I feel everything related to my girlfriend is almost totally lost. I feel better when I am talking to my ex which seems so odd but that is how I feel. I wish I was stronger.

[Faith Spring]

I've been following your posts too.  I wonder if it'd be wise to just come clean with your GF and admit you haven't put her first.  You can't.  Your child has serious emotional problems.  Your child has brain damage.  your child's path to healing and recovery will always come first.  Some women need to be first, that's ok.  She need a guy that will put her first.  Other women understand that the guy they love may have a child that comes first. 

You deserve support not second guessing and criticism.  Just my .02. 

[zachira]

Most parents love their children more than anybody in the world. It can be particularly hard for a partner to accept that the other partner will love their child no matter what and will do anything for their child, especially when the child is the biological child of one partner. Part of growing up is realizing we cannot always be the child who receives unconditional love, and as life goes on our role is more about supporting the younger generations.

[Scout206]

Hi Jones54
I follow you too and what Faith Spring posted made total sense to me.  Your girlfriend has not had children so may not be able to comprehend the bond.  Once you have children, their well-being comes first and always will.  I can understand that she probably has 'stayed' through 15 very hard years but it doesn't sound as though she has made them easier with respect to your daughter.   Your ex is also a part of your life because you have a child together.  I'm glad that the two of you are able to come together to do what is best for your daughter.   That is a perk that I don't have.  If your relationship with your significant other doesn't make both of you feel happier, stronger and healthier (most of the time) maybe you do need to take a break.  I don't mean to be giving advice to someone I don't know.   It is frightening to think of being without a significant other -  I know that fear and stayed in a bad relationship for far too long because of it.   But it's also hard to think about spending what's left of your time on earth arguing with someone about things in your life that are not going to change.  Has she gone to counseling?  Any counseling for the two of you together?  I'm so happy that your daughter is doing well.  It's hard to allow yourself to feel happy sometimes isn't it?   I've always been afraid of what comes next when I feel happy.  It's a bad habit that I'm trying to overcome.
Take care.  Scout206

[jones54]

Thanks so much for everyone's input. My ex and I met with the therapist last night. I actually spoke about my girlfriend (my ex knows the situation and believe it of not  is very supportive). The therapist said it is not wrong for my ex and I to take our daughter to lunch for her birthday. We actually did the same thing a few years back for dinner. My girlfriend said I would never do that again (I forget). Regardless, when she speaks to other people they support her side just as when I ask people they support my side. I think in the big picture it comes down to is whether there is a future for the two of us together. We have seen a counselor in years past. The issues I think are 1) she has never had children 2) my difficulty dealing with all the problems with my daughter (enabling) 3) Her fear of moving ahead and getting married due to severe trust issues 4) My fear of her getting mad if I do something that she construes as enabling so I avoid telling her which then goes back to her not trusting me. Very complicated. Very hard for me to just give up on all of this after 15 plus years together. I want to be with her but maybe that is just me being lonely. She does not want to be with me tonight and I am sure not tomorrow either since I will be with my ex. What is "odd" is that last night the therapist asked if my ex and I were thinking of getting together again. It must have been what we were saying. I still care for her just as she does for me. It was a bad divorce years ago but we have both forgiven each other. In a perfect world I would move ahead as planned with my girlfriend but there seems to be so many obstacles... .my daughter and how my girlfriend feels about her (she actually is afraid of my daughter), the issue of my relationship with my daughter and my girlfriend's underlying trust issues and not being able to move ahead. So I am a bit confused with my feelings. Since my ex and I still care for each other I have thought about "putting my family back together". Maybe this seems odd but it truly is something my ex and I have talked about. My family who knows my girlfriend very well have said I need to move on. They just do not see me ever being fully happy with her since they feel she will never marry (or even move in with me). I do get it that it is way more for her to give up her life and home to be with me. She has never been able to do this with the other men she dated for a long time in the past. I was the first to get engaged with her and have been with her the longest. I think she wants that kind of life with someone else but has always not been able to move ahead because of her fears (trust). I actually feel bad for her being stuck.
In actuality I am stuck as well but feel more now that I have to be the one to make a change. So hard for me.
I think I will just focus on having a good time tomorrow with my daughter. I am shocked that since she went in to rehab she is a totally different person and I am not seeing any of the BPD that went on for the last year. I am hopeful she will continue to improve.

[jones54]

Just wanted to say the afternoon with my daughter and her mother went so nice. After having lived thru the worst chaos with my daughter with her BPD and heroin addiction this past 6 to 12 months I can say good things can happen. Do not get me wrong, she is just at the beginning of all of this but I am astonished how good she has been when we are together.  I wish this can give hope to others who suffered for so long like me. She is sober which I feel is a major factor and she is getting weekly therapy. I am not sure what exactly has made the change for her. I can only hope and pray she will stay the course. She has told me she is learning new coping skills which I think is so important for those with BPD (and addiction). She is half way thru the rehab and then will go to transitional housing. A bit nervous about this but she has to eventually move on with her life and be responsible for herself. I again am so grateful for all the support I received at this website. For all of us parents who have a son or daughter with BPD this website is a Godsend. Just as in addiction, others do not know what we go thru with our BPD children. It is very similar to Al-anon. Going to meetings with others who are experiencing the same makes a huge difference in your support system. Being able to connect with others here on line is no different.

[wendydarling]

Oh jones, that's a wow moment wow, wow, wow, I'm glad you had a nice time together and you were pleasantly shocked at her good behaviour, you so deserve it!    A nice memory to build upon, she's set herself a standard. Here's a thumbs up to your daughter from me  

I am not sure what exactly has made the change for her.  

Perhaps because you changed your approach, you broke the cycle, you stood firm?

Yes, it's early days, she has the oh so important support of you and her mother. This was, is crucial for my DD, we have a bond, she working on her coping skills, me working on mine here too, support of family and friends. I can't over estimate how hard they have to work, how determined and us recognising this, offering positive reinforcement, emotional support helps them feel less alone in attaining their goals, finding a life style that works for them. I think my DD felt overwhelming relief she was on a new path and occupied 24/7 keeping on it. Yes she did have some crises, can be expected - they became less frequent, her last major one was December 2016.  They can do this.

What happens at the 'transitional' house? Have they indicated how long the treatment is?

I too wish this gives hopes to others here who are suffering and I am glad you are here with us, this forum is a godsend and you are an inspiration to us all jones, you've been through hell and back, stuck with the most difficult of decisions for any parent.

Have you made any progress thinking through your needs and your girlfriend? Did you have a look at the conflicted board here?

WDx

[jones54]

Hi Wendy darling,
Thanks for the kind words. Yes, I am so happy with where my daughter is right now. Seems like a different person. She is halfway thru the 90 day rehab and will then go to a transitional house with others like her. I think this will be a 6 to 12 month stay. She will need to get a job and start taking care of herself. A bit fearful about this but she will still be in therapy. Cannot stay in rehab forever. I just hope she can continue on the right path. She talks about what she needs to do and it all seems to make sense. I am hoping that she finally gets it in regard to her sobriety. Her BPD coping skills (which she is learning in her therapy) seem to be working from what we see of her.
As far as my girlfriend, I am really struggling. Most people say if I am not happy to move on. I am not completely happy but there are so many other things that I enjoy in our relationship. We have gotten along for so many years and our only point of contention in the past was my daughter and how I probably did more enabling than I should have. Now it is all about whether she will move ahead. We have been engaged for so long and she has never been married. Maybe I already have said this. For some reason I have the personality not to give up even though the odds are stacked against me that she will not change. I feel it has come to a turning point. We have a long weekend trip planned in a few weeks out of town. I have decided to speak with her after this. She will need to give me something that I can hold on to that things will change in our moving ahead. I would like to see a therapist with her. I wish I was stronger and could just let go. I think she is going to tell me to just move on but I do know she has her reasons not to give up on the relationship.  I am loosing sleep over my concerns about all of this. Very similar when I went thru my divorce years ago. I just do not want to go thru that turmoil again but need to remember we are not married so it is much less complicated if we go our separate ways. At this point she is happy with the status quo and seems to be just looking out for herself. We continue to get along just fine but have had some issues with all the upheaval with my daughter the past few months. Going to therapy with my ex has not been easy on her. I hate that I went thru all this stress with my daughter the past few months (which thankfully is now over) and have had it all replaced with my relationship with my girlfriend.

[Scout206]

Just checking in Jones 54 to see how you are doing.   I'm ok but just feeling sad about Mother's Day.  Good thing I still have one child that loves me and I love my Mom to the moon so - I miss my daughter but am thankful for what I have!   I hope that your daughter is still in a positive place.  I hope that things are working out a bit for you and your girlfriend.  We're still all here for you.  Scout206

[jones54]

Hi Scout,
Thanks for checking in. Sorry you were down with Mother's Day. That should be a happy time. My daughter continues to do well in rehab. We seem to have a good relationship. We have been to church together twice and actually did spend her birthday together with he mother. That all went well. She wanted me to get together with her mother (my ex) for Mother's Day but I thought that would not be respectful to my girlfriend so I did not.
As far as my girlfriend, things are stable. She was gone for a week traveling and just got back. Things have been cordial but I am still confused as to what to do. I want badly for things to go forward with her but just not sure if she wants things as bad as I do. I guess I need to talk with her about all this. I either have to accept and see how things progress with the two of us or sit down and explain what I need in this relationship to move forward. I am sorry to say that scares me that I could loose her but I just do not want to keep things the way they are now. We are going away for the weekend to visit some close friends and I will just try to go enjoy myself.

[wendydarling]

Hi there jones    

Scout, I also feel grateful and kindness, for what I have, my DD is safe today.

Jones, that's great to hear your relationship with your daughter continues to go well, keep doing what you are doing is our saying here when things go good   I hope your daughter's safety provides you the emotional space to be with, have good times with your girlfriend. You've changed your life with your daughter, it was a huge life changing investment and yes it was/is scary and beyond I'm with you, with parents here. Detaching with love can help us and them.

You say you are scared of losing your girlfriend, which part of you are you scared of? I'm glad you continue putting yourself first.

WDx  

[jones54]

Hi Wendydarling,
You asked about what I am afraid of in losing my girlfriend. Well, we have been together for 15 years and there are many things I do like about our relationship. We like many of the same things. We actually are pretty compatible. She does have trust issues from things that happened to her years ago and I believe that is why she has never married (me or anyone else). With my daughter and all her issues, I have previously said I would not be up front with everything that was going on to avoid a confrontation with my girlfriend. When she found out, she was very upset with me and feels she cannot trust me. This has brought us to a low point. It is not like she wants to end it (she still talks about plans to do things) but I have become frustrated because I do not see her moving ahead (have felt this for years). She has never been married and is very independent and along with trust issues I have become very discouraged. What bothers me is the loss of the relationship. It is not that I do not care for her, I just feel that it may be a dead end. I have wanted more than anything to have that connection with someone (like when I was married). She is happy being on her own and I understand completely that she is the one that will need to make a move to be with me (we actually bought a house together when we got engaged years ago). We have lived only a couple blocks apart for years and she loves her house where she lives. I am a typical man that wants companionship. Unfortunately I only get it on the weekends. I feel she wants the relationship to go on (the way it is) but with all the recent issues with my daughter she is simply hanging around (like I am a convenience). There are positives for me to be independent on my own but I plan to retire in a few years and I had hoped we would be together by now so we could make plans for the future. Others  (relatives) who know her say I need to move on. I do fear loneliness and it is not that I want to get into the dating scene again. I guess I just feel stuck. I had that same depressed feelings years ago with my divorce. I also fear that she will never accept my daughter and it will be difficult even when she is sober to have her visit at the house we are at together. Maybe I am assuming too much.  I have told myself I need to have a heart to heart talk with her. We did broach the subject before she left on her trip. She was upset before she left about my "honesty" but I think it was because she thought I was going to see my ex behind her back (I did not and actually ended the therapy sessions with my ex since I did not feel we needed them at this point... .my ex and I are to meet with my daughter's therapist now). I wish things were just better. I wish my girlfriend would give me something to hang on to that there is a future for us. I think that is why I need to have the talk with her. My fear is she will simply tell me to leave which I would have to accept. I have been in this relationship for 15 years and for most of it , it has been wonderful. We have had great times except for the issues with my daughter. Since everything came to a head over the past 6 months with my daughter, my having therapy with my ex and my not being fully up front with my girlfriend about my daughter due to my fears... .our relationship had taken a turn for the worse and I am not sure if it can be salvaged. I even fear if she did move in she would not be happy. I think I struggle from the "what if's". I need to take things day by day. I am in no rush to end things but then again, I do not want to waste the rest of my life in a relationship that will go no where.
Sorry to babble on so much.

[wendydarling]

Hi jones

You are working this through, your relationships with three women you care for  , like a fish coming up for air, keep posting!

We like many of the same things. We actually are pretty compatible.

And you often say how wonderful she is. She's stood by you in the most difficult of your times, she did not run as many may have.

She does have trust issues from things that happened to her years ago and I believe that is why she has never married (me or anyone else).

Can you share GF's trust issues with us?

With my daughter and all her issues, I have previously said I would not be up front with everything that was going on to avoid a confrontation with my girlfriend. When she found out, she was very upset with me and feels she cannot trust me. This has brought us to a low point. It is not like she wants to end it (she still talks about plans to do things) but I have become frustrated because I do not see her moving ahead (have felt this for years).

That's hard on you, you had your DD and girlfriend not trusting you for so long. You communicated your values, your boundaries what's acceptable to your daughter, can you with your GF, is that what you say by being honest?

She has never been married and is very independent and along with trust issues I have become very discouraged.

jones, your GF is independent sounds healthy to me, do you think she's kept her independence cos you've not been available?

What bothers me is the loss of the relationship. It is not that I do not care for her, I just feel that it may be a dead end. I have wanted more than anything to have that connection with someone (like when I was married). She is happy being on her own and I understand completely that she is the one that will need to make a move to be with me (we actually bought a house together when we got engaged years ago). We have lived only a couple blocks apart for years and she loves her house where she lives.

 :)o you think you may need to be the one to make the move to be with her, she's waiting like you? Who is living in the home?

I am a typical man that wants companionship. Unfortunately I only get it on the weekends. I feel she wants the relationship to go on (the way it is) but with all the recent issues with my daughter she is simply hanging around (like I am a convenience). There are positives for me to be independent on my own but I plan to retire in a few years and I had hoped we would be together by now so we could make plans for the future.

Someone has to go first, you did with your daughter, is it time to take your DD out of the relationship you seem to care about.

Others  (relatives) who know her say I need to move on. I do fear loneliness and it is not that I want to get into the dating scene again. I guess I just feel stuck. I had that same depressed feelings years ago with my divorce. I also fear that she will never accept my daughter and it will be difficult even when she is sober to have her visit at the house we are at together. Maybe I am assuming too much.  

It's ok to feel stuck, we often do, question ourselves like you are is healthy way forward. Does you DD need to visit your home with your GF? If your DD is prepared to reach out to your GF, behave perhaps?

I have told myself I need to have a heart to heart talk with her. We did broach the subject before she left on her trip. She was upset before she left about my "honesty" but I think it was because she thought I was going to see my ex behind her back (I did not and actually ended the therapy sessions with my ex since I did not feel we needed them at this point... .my ex and I are to meet with my daughter's therapist now).

 What did you say 'honestly', she may have thought you were going to see your ex behind her back, did you, or was that your assumption as you say you think it?

I wish things were just better. I wish my girlfriend would give me something to hang on to that there is a future for us. I think that is why I need to have the talk with her. My fear is she will simply tell me to leave which I would have to accept. I have been in this relationship for 15 years and for most of it , it has been wonderful. We have had great times except for the issues with my daughter. Since everything came to a head over the past 6 months with my daughter, my having therapy with my ex and my not being fully up front with my girlfriend about my daughter due to my fears... .our relationship had taken a turn for the worse and I am not sure if it can be salvaged. I even fear if she did move in she would not be happy. I think I struggle from the "what if's". I need to take things day by day. I am in no rush to end things but then again, I do not want to waste the rest of my life in a relationship that will go no where.

What are you offering your GF right now? That does not involve your DD and ex. Perhaps if you put her feelings first she may open up to you, give you back to you?

Loads of questions, feedback, I hope that's helpful for you and others here join. You're doing great jones, I appreciate how difficult this is for you, you clearly want resolution. Gee retirement, now that's a good topic to open up, discuss for those of us approaching 

You've fought for your daughter., you changed your approach ... .

WDx

[jones54]

Wendydarling,
Thanks for your note. First, I want to say my daughter is doing better than ever. We met together (me and my DD) with her therapist. It went so well and my daughter was so good (best I have seen her in years). I am so grateful for this.
As far as my girlfriend, I am sad to say it is over. We went away for the weekend and it could have not been worse. I tried to reason with her to let me prove my commitment to her and be totally open about my daughter. She would hear nothing and simply kept bashing me and saying I will never change. It became verbally abusive on her part to me. At one point it was so intense I snapped and grabbed her (I have NEVER done this before!). I stopped but that put her over the edge which I understand. I profusely apologized but that was it. We are done.
I have thought long and hard about this. I am a person who does not want to give up any relationship. I was the same way with my previous wife. Maybe it is the fear factor of again being alone. But I kept telling myself since I have been frustrated with our not moving ahead for a few years, no matter what I did nothing would ever change. My girlfriend was abused as a child and it is my understanding that is why she has never completely allowed another person to fully come into her life (trust). It is very sad but she has had relationships with very good men in the past but never would marry and always stayed independent. My fear now is that even if we did eventually marry it would never have worked no matter what I did and my DD was fine. She just does not feel safe. I am not perfect but there have been so many things that she says to allow her a reason to not move forward. If I bring this up she just gets so angry at me. I feel it is so difficult for her to face her own demons. I do know she has had therapy for this in the past. Do not get me wrong, it has been difficult with my DD as well as how I reacted to my DD's issues. I am a father that needs to do whatever I can to not  lose my daughter but in doing so this has damaged my relationship with my girlfriend. Because of all that has happened over the past 9 months with my daughter, it has only made the relationship worse with my girlfriend. She is very black and white and my doing anything she disagrees with has made our relationship worse. That is why if I was not upfront (lied) about what was going on with my daughter to avoid an argument it was the worst thing to happen because of my girlfriends severe trust issues. A very bad combination my doing anything to save my daughter and having my girlfriend disagree and then feel I was lying. With all of this I (as well as many others have said to me), it will never change with my girlfriend moving ahead. My daughter has to be part of my life and my girlfriend will never have anything to do with her even if she is sober and good. That is a deal breaker. I do not want to keep fighting for this relationship knowing at this point I feel it will not change and my girlfriend will never move ahead. It has been 15 years of no change moving ahead. It was all great in the beginning but the idealism wore off and the reality of her fears to commit returned. I thought I could change all that but now realize even with the mistakes I have made that if these did not occur, it would still be the same. It was for other men in her life, now it is with me. I just lasted longer than the others. It depresses me to no end to have it come down to all of this. It is not what I wanted but I have had frustration in our not moving ahead for years. I want so badly to have a new relationship where someone will love me for who I am and be more understanding of the daughter that I have. Maybe it will be my ex. We get along great and all that happened to us to cause the divorce has been washed away by both of us. I still need to date though because I am very bad at rebounding. I feel that is what happened with my girlfriend that I jumped into the first serious relationship I could find. I only wish it could have worked out.

[Scout206]

Dear Jones54,
I am sorry to hear that you and your girlfriend called it quits.  Like you, I have always tried to hang onto relationships too long - thinking maybe it will work out.  That has never worked for me and in retrospect, I wish I would have walked out on each of my long term relationships 10 years before I did.   Hindsight right?  Now at least you have one big weight off your shoulders and it will give you more freedom to take care of yourself and your daughter in the long run. Take care.   
Scout206

[wendydarling]

Hi jones

Thanks for your note. First, I want to say my daughter is doing better than ever. We met together (me and my DD) with her therapist. It went so well and my daughter was so good (best I have seen her in years). I am so grateful for this.

This is so heartening to hear all continues to go well for you, your daughter is motivated she's working hard must be such a relief to you each and every day. Is she back to writing in her free time?

I too am sorry you and girlfriend are done, yes the right decision for you and tough on you as you so wanted it to work. How are you bearing up?

WDx

[zachira]

Hello Jones,
It is so frustrating and painful to end a relationship after trying for so many years to make it work. You would like to have a better relationship when you get ready to date again. I hope you don't mind me recommending a book to read. I have read many books on relationships and this is the best by far in that it explains why past relationships have not worked out and how to find the right person in the future. The book is called "Attached" by Heller and Levine and sold by Amazon. After reading it, I see clearly why I have struggled with my relationships, and I now feel I have the road map to have a happy healthy relationship in the future. I have been reading your posts since the beginning and am following your journey. Your a wonderful caring father and indeed have much to offer to a woman than can be a companion and love you back the way you deserve.

[jones54]

Thanks for everyone's comments. They are so helpful to me. As you can see I have been so frustrated lately with everything. I feel pulled by both the relationship with my DD as well as my girlfriend.
Well, I am sure you will call me crazy but over the weekend I had a VERY long discussion with my girlfriend. She told me about her past and I have a better understanding why she never moved ahead with past relationships. I still feel she has trust issues but I think there is good reason why she didn't as well. She said she has only loved two people in all the serious relationships she has had. Me and someone else in her 20's. She asked if we could go to see a counselor together. I have been with her for 15 plus years so I agreed. I am happy she is willing to do this but I have my concerns still. When I was with my daughter I did not say this but did infer that possibly the relationship was not over completely yet. I could see this bothered her since I have always felt she never wanted us to be together. I think my DD feels my girlfriend will never change (maybe true) but also there has been some friction for years (actually my girlfriend has never done anything against my DD and I think this may be more the BPD). My girlfriend has always said she wants my DD to succeed and most of her concerns in the past have to do with how I react to my daughter and all the issues. I have this constant underlying fear of losing a relationship with my daughter so I struggle to be up front about my girlfriend with her and I do the same thing with my girlfriend not being totally up front about my DD. This will never work in a relationship and has to change on my part. I want so badly that they both get along and that I am not "stuck" in the middle. Unfortunately,  I can change other people. One thing that my daughter did say is that she would be willing to sit down with my girlfriend with a therapist to discuss her feelings. I am concerned that  my relationship with my girlfriend has always been a stress for my DD. Again, my daughter has to live her own life and do her own recovery with her addiction.
I hope I am not making a mistake with all of this. I would love to have everything work out but I know how much work this would be and I have to be honest the odds are stacked against me. I have just decided to agree to seeing a counselor together as a last ditch effort to see if we cannot move ahead. I should be elated with this but maybe it is that I am being realistic knowing all of the past related to my DD and girlfriend. I am sorry if everyone feels I am making a mistake here.

[Scout206]

Dear Jones54
We are not here to judge you on any level.  You know that and have added  thoughtful, non-judgemental input for others in our group.   We all hope that this works out for you and that you can find some peace and happiness.  You surely deserve it.  Just remember that we are here for you whether or not it works out.  The last thing you should worry about is whether or not we approve of your decisions.  xo  Scout206

[wendydarling]

Hi jones54

I echo Scout206 there is no judgement here, you have your girlfriend and daughter both willing to work with you, and it's quite understandable you feel conflicted after all you've been through, therapy with your girlfriend can help you resolve what's right for you, see where you get to.

Has your daughter moved to the transition home?

WDx

[jones54]

Thanks Scout206 and Wendydarling. It is so nice not to be judged. For the longest time I have felt pulled in 2 directions. One by my daughter and the other by my girlfriend. I have always been a people pleaser so when one or both got mad at me it was difficult. I met with my daughter and her therapist yesterday and it was not good in the beginning since my DD was under the impression it was all over with my girlfriend. She actually said she wanted nothing to do with me if I was still with my girlfriend but after explaining things she was better at end of the session. She goes to the transition house in 2 weeks. She has made a good plan for herself so I am hoping she will do well.
The first therapy session with my girlfriend (boy, sometimes I wish I was not having a life without all these therapy sessions!) was ok. Nothing accomplished because it was just a fact finding session to explain things. Kind of hard for me because it was mostly her being critical of me in not being upfront and honest about my DD, talking to too many people about our issues and even bringing up things from years ago. I am willing to do these sessions for a short while but honestly if I do not see any ounce of improvement I will need to call it quits. I have been so tired of being depressed with everything. Something has to change. Either our relationship improving or moving on. I wish it had never gotten to this point and I am honestly not optimistic because I feel I can do what I need to do but my DD is not going away and that has always been the "elephant in the room". She is not happy with me and I am so frustrated in not seeing a future with her willing to move ahead. I simply feel stuck. I am grateful she wants to see if we can make thing better so I will do the therapy sessions and see how it goes. No one likes to go thru a break up but I understand there is always pain before you heal and feel better. I need to focus on taking things slowly and try not to get too ahead of myself. Again, I appreciate all the support I get here. I am person who needs to talk about my issues. That is my therapy and getting input from others is so beneficial to me.

[wendydarling]

Jones it sure is a relief not to be judged by others, it is unhelpful for all, have you thought about raising this in your therapy with your girlfriend, I'm kinda sure you have, thought it worth raising.

How's it going for you?

You are rightly exhausted, you are reluctantly engaging in therapy with your girlfriend, that's ok! it's important for you both to find your way in, or out, it's a kind and a grateful place to be.

My daughter gets confused and hurt when her father talks to her about his girlfriends, a new one in his life right now, 100's of photos of them sent to DD. She finds it inappropriate to the relationship she wants with him. She communicates her boundaries, he's not listening. It is so sad! DD is very happy he's found love and recognises he's drawing her in to happy families. Most of all she wants her Dad to get her, he does not, it's all about him, always. I'm glad my daughter can see clearly what is healthy for her and what is not.

You are nearly up, we are on 5 pages, it'll be locked sometime, you know the score  . Think about the title of where you are, going, we'll be with you all the way.

Who knows, your first thread titled I am done, second Finally good news third ... .



WDx

[jones54]

Hi Wendydarling,
I really appreciate your checking in. Yes, I did bring up in therapy that I feel pulled in 2 directions (judged) by both My daughter and my girlfriend. Not sure there is much that can be done about it.
Sounds like your daughter has a good head on her shoulders. My DD is very astute in my relationship with my girlfriend. She, as well as many others, feel I should just move on. When I tell them I am going to see if therapy will help us, they are understanding but I know deep down they feel I am probably wasting my time. It is hard for me because deep down I have always wanted this to work. My girlfriend and I are seeing each other but to be honest she has little affection for me. She feels that I am staying in touch with my ex as a "back up plan". I do enjoy talking to my ex and mostly it is about our DD. But I understand why she feels this is inappropriate since my daughter is doing well and there should be no need to speaking to her unless there is a problem. The therapy sessions have just started. My fear is I am wasting my time since nothing may change with my girlfriend in how she feels and will not ever move ahead with me.  I guess I just need to be patient (hard for me). We have only met once together with the therapist. 
My DD finishes her 90 day rehab next Tuesday. She is anxious to have more independence. This will be her next big step. I pray she will stay the course. Her attitude is the best I have seen it in years. Hard for me since I know she would rather I move on from my girlfriend but lately she does not push this and is actually trying to be supportive of me. I think the hardest thing in life is uncertainty. Not knowing what may happen when thing are poor. That bothers me more than anything. I just wish things were better and stable. Patience is a virtue and that is one virtue I do not have. We meet again on Monday and I hope it will go well.

[Scout206]

Hi jones54

(Sorry I'm not good at inserting quotes) but you say:

"I think the hardest thing in life is uncertainty. Not knowing what may happen when thing are poor. That bothers me more than anything. I just wish things were better and stable. Patience is a virtue and that is one virtue I do not have." 

You and me both jones.  But we are by necessity learning patience as there is no other choice.  It is painful for me.  Uncertainty - not knowing what may happen - (and for me, often imagining the worst) - is difficult to live with all day, every day.  I'm so happy that your daughter is doing well.  I know you have been through so much and I hope that she and you continue to improve and your support systems remain stable.  It gives me hope.   Scout

[jones54]

My daughter moved to the transition house 2 days ago. It will be a big adjustment. More freedom but they still have accountability (breathalyze 2 times a day and frequent drops). The house is nothing fancy but she admits it is better than being in the homeless shelter. She is now looking for a job. Her attitude remains good and I have not seen any borderline issues at all.
My girlfriend and I meet again for a therapy session. She still complained about her issues with me not being honest and my being too involved with my ex. The therapist tried to smooth things out and give her a better understanding of the difficulties a parent goes thru with an addicted child. Tough for me because she gives me no credit for what I did pulling back and letting her be homeless. She feels my enabling and doing things against her wishes has gone on for years. I tried to bring up her commitment issues but we ran out of time. I am concerned that we are doing this all for her to get her point across and thereby give her reasons not to move on (so she is in the right). I feel she maybe doing this to make her feel ok in not moving on and rationalize she is right but really it is because she cannot face the fact she has commitment issues. I guess it really does not matter because it really comes down to how much am I willing to take. The next session will be about commitment and a deadline. I want something to change at the end of summer but I know she won't do this (I assume). My daughter has not questioned my holding on at this point but my son (who I am very close to) has turned against my girlfriend and feels she is dragging me along. Sad because they were very close. It may be because I was becoming so friendly with his mother and may have mislead her thinking I was done with my girlfriend and when I started therapy it hurt her. Not sure. I must be thick headed because most everyone who knows the situation feels that she will not change and I need to move on but for some reason I won't give up. I guess I have this feeling everything could work out but in reality it would take so much. I keep telling myself to move on but have such a hard time pulling the trigger. I was the same way with my divorce. My wife at the time had an affair on me but I tried for so long to salvage the marriage. But at that time she had no interest so I finally gave up and filed for divorce. I am getting the same feelings now. Thinking this will all turn around. I also struggle with my siblings feeling I may be wasting my time as well as my children feeling the same way. Hate the feeling that they may be loosing respect for me. Sorry to expound but this is a major struggle for me now. So grateful that my daughter is doing well. I need to do a gratitude list.

[wendydarling]

jones

What an amazing step forward for your daughter to move to the transition house. It reminds me of my daughter staying in the Woman's Crisis Home, she stayed there twice for month each time. The first time was when they tried to discharge her from hospital, she did not feel safe, she caused a huge ruckus. She sent me a message to say Mum I'm so glad you were not here to see me act out big time on the ward refusing to be discharged, I'm being transferred to a Woman's Crisis Home tomorrow. Second time was her when her DBT therapist recognised she was on the down, it took her about 2 months to accept she was struggling. It's the most amazing home, yes a home, 12 residents where you can talk to staff 24/7, daily activities, massage, so very therapeutic. I wish everyone had a similar safe place to be, between hospital and home. It really helped her recovery. She pops by occasionally to join the group activities and support residents.

It's great you've not seen any borderline behaviours in your daughter. Your daughter sounds amazingly resilient after all she's been through. Is she continuing therapy with the lady you know? What kind of work is she looking for? My daughter is at that point too, looking for volunteering (preference is with a cat sanctuary) or part/time work at this point, dipping her toe in. I'm hoping she's able to manage any stress, triggers …... .as I'm sure you are.

I'm sorry it's such a struggle for you with your girlfriend, it's good to write and get it out there. You want something to change by the end of the summer, is this an agreed goal in therapy, or is therapy open ended it goes on until it reaches natural conclusion?

I think that's a great idea to do a gratitude list, helps balance our minds.

WDx

[jones54]

HI Wendydarling,
I always appreciate you checking in. Sounds like a great place where your daughter went. My daughter's house is pretty much that, a sober house. There are rules but nothing fancy. I guess much better than when she was living on the streets. She has to find a new therapists since the ones at her rehab sign off when she leaves. Hopefully she will find on soon. She is looking for work but does have a retail fraud charge on her record which makes it difficult. I am praying she will find something and hopefully something she enjoys.
As far as my girlfriend, we are getting along as best we can which much better now. Have had 2 sessions with the therapist. I want something different by the end of summer (her moving in as a first step) but I honestly do not see that happening. I guess it comes down to accepting the way things are now or just decide to move on. We meet with the therapist tomorrow and I am going to ask what can be done to resolve all of this. I know she wants the relationship to remain but I do feel she remains upset with me. I know it takes her time to change her feelings. More than anything I want something to occur so I feel better about our future. I am hoping the therapist will give something for both of us to feel our future is worth staying together (because I honestly feel we both want that).

[Feeling Better]

Hi there jones54

I’ve been following your threads and just want to say that I think that you have been on a remarkable journey with your daughter, you have shown great strength during the darkest of times and you are an inspiration to many parents here.

You spoke in your last post about an upcoming therapy session with you and your girlfriend, I hope that you managed to discuss the things that you said you would like to be resolved

Wishing you all the best x

[wendydarling]

Hi jones

Hi there jones54
I’ve been following your threads and just want to say that I think that you have been on a remarkable journey with your daughter, you have shown great strength during the darkest of times and you are an inspiration to many parents here.

FB thank you so much for joining. I recognise this is hard for some parents to read, jones went to the wire, I've been there too in my own way with my DD.

Our children are working to be survivors, am I right here jones, we are on the same page?

WDx

[jones54]

Thanks for the comments FB and Wendydarling. Yes, they are learning to be survivors. It is very difficult for me (as I am sure others to watch as they struggle). My DD is living in a transition house which is at least safe. I honestly did not think she was going to survive when she lived in the homeless shelter and spent her time doing heroin on the streets. She overdosed multiple times (I was not aware until later since I had no contact with her). It seems like she has more than 9 lives. I think it is so hard for all of them because they are aware of their emotions and struggle with those heightened feelings. I know my DD does. On top of that she struggles with her addiction. Needless to say I struggle with all of it due to my worries and concerns for her well being. At this point her mother and I have stepped back and are letting her be responsible for herself. She is in need of a job but has not found one yet. I am hoping soon. Years past we would have pulled her off the streets and put her up somewhere paying her rent. No longer. This is the first time she has to take care of herself. For once I think she knows this but at times is bothered by the new life. She is 33 years old and the therapist her mother and I met with for so long said no question, she has to finally take care of herself. I fear she will get frustrated and go back to the heroin but hopefully she knows this would mean being homeless again (which she did not like). It is difficult as a parent to step back knowing your child has issues and is not like others. Having expectations is dangerous. I am happy if she stays sober and becomes self sufficient on her own. Nothing more. She has a long road ahead of her. I have as well, since I struggle with worry.
On another note, I continue with therapy with my girlfriend.  Things are better but nowhere near what I feel they should be. I need to be more patient. We both seem to be getting along fine but I still worry about our future. It is a struggle trying to balance my life between my DD and my girlfriend. I feel like I am trying to rebuild a relationship with both of them. I need to remind myself that where things are now is vastly better than 4 or so months ago when everything went rock bottom with both of them. I need to take life one day at a time but so difficult since I am a person that always things ahead (worries). Very unhealthy to do this since it can become very depressing thinking of the worst scenario. I have decide to see a therapist by myself in hopes I can resolve this. I do not think any of us ever expected our lives to turn out the way they did with our children. For some reason God made it this way for us so that is why acceptance is so important (but difficult at times).
As always, I am so appreciative of the support that I get on this site.

[wendydarling]

Hi jones

Sorry for my absence here, I've settled my Mum into her care home, wow, emotional wrench in so many ways, our family home is empty of parents, all the wonderful memories we share, tough. It was however perfect timing a place came available exactly when she needed a bigger support team. She is happy and has made many friends, relief for us. It's been a long journey jones.

How are you? Have you engaged a therapist for you? I think this a healthy route for you, as you say you ruminate across the women in your life. What about you, finding your centre, self, happiness  

How's your lovely daughter?

WDx  

[jones54]

Hi WD,
Thanks for checking in. Sorry about the move for your mother. I am sure that is very hard when they have been with you around the clock. One of the things I dislike the most is an empty house. It has been this way since my son moved away to Chicago about 5 years ago. We can all get used to this but it has always been hard for me.
  I did start seeing a therapist. He has been very supportive. He agrees that a 6 month time frame should be adequate to decide if my girlfriend can see enough of a change to possibly move ahead. I still have a difficult time not looking ahead and for some reason seeing that she will never be able to move ahead and I will have to leave her (which I am not anxious to do). I have been reading the book by Eckart Tolle, The Power of Now (it was given to me by my girlfriend!). It is correct in stating we should not look in the past or the future and simply stay in the present. I need to do this.
My daughter continues to be stable. Still at the halfway house and is sober. She has been working for a temp agency but seems to get a lot of work which is good. We try to get together for dinner once a week. She still has her borderline tendencies but nothing compared to the past year when she was using. I need to be grateful for that. Again, I need to focus on the positives and let the future play out for itself with both my daughter and my girlfriend. My girlfriend and I still see a couples therapist and have been making strides in the positive. I am hopeful we will continue and more importantly I hope she feels the same way. Because for this to work she will need to want it to as much as me.

[wendydarling]

I did start seeing a therapist... .…...  I have been reading the book by Eckart Tolle, The Power of Now (it was given to me by my girlfriend!). It is correct in stating we should not look in the past or the future and simply stay in the present. I need to do this.

Absolutely jones, stay in the present, helps ground us, feet firmly on our ground, live each day to our full. My recovering BPD daughter often comes to talk to me how she's feeling. She has come sat with me and shared these last years when she's ruminating about the past or the future, she recognises she is catastrophising, causing her pain and confusion. DBT has gifted her the light and many of the tools and skills here free to access to parents, members here follow DBT.

You've been through the mire jones, it's time for YOU and your healing, you come first right now. I'm so pleased you have your therapist and bpdfamily access to world class resources and support of our parents here.

Absolutely priceless, jones. When we find our way, lead the way, our loved BPD ones may feel our kindness, feel their kindness and more.

WDx