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Author Topic: I am done Part 2 finally good news ...  (Read 1470 times)
jones54
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« on: March 20, 2018, 12:06:00 PM »

Here is I am done - Part 1

Well, I have had to start under a heading for Part 2. This has been going on so long I guess I reached my limit. Last week my daughter finally agreed to go to rehab after the director of the rehab unit actually went to the homeless shelter and spoke with her. I was so grateful. Unfortunately they did not have a bed at the time. So she had to wait till yesterday to go in. I found out yesterday that that she had not shown up to sleep at the homeless shelter on Saturday and Sunday. They did not know where she was. Found out she was in Jail. She got caught shoplifting (alcohol I am sure). Was released yesterday from jail. The rehab unit and the homeless shelter tried multiple times to contact her to no avail. She disappeared. I am sure she went out again to drink or drug. Not sure when but she showed up to the shelter and was there this morning. She is now giving resistance to go to the rehab unit. She really has no other options at this point. She has no money. Has sold everything except the few clothes that she has. She literally has nothing. I am sure she has been stealing liquor and finally was caught yesterday. This is the lowest I have ever seen my BPD addicted daughter in her whole life. I am sure it  is because her mother and I have pulled back completely. Hardest thing we have ever done.  I still feel it is the right thing. She did OD last week as well and was in the ER. I do not feel she has any money left to buy heroin. I have been praying so hard that God will give her the desperation she needs to go to rehab and start her life over. I am hopeful she will go in today.  It is so hard to keep seeing her fall farther down. I am grateful at this point she is still alive.
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« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2018, 05:38:00 PM »

Jones,
My heart goes out to you!  You are clearly in the hardest stage with your daughter, and are fighting to do what you know is right.  That doesn't make it any easier though!  Please know that we are all here for you! 
Try to do something that you enjoy today or tomorrow.  (I know it's hard to even think of something when you're in the eye of the storm.) It can be something simple... .get an ice cream cone, go for a walk, watch your favourite movie, listen to music... .

Hugs to you and your family!
1hope
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zachira
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« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2018, 06:53:03 PM »

You feel like you have reached your limit with your daughter, and maybe there is nothing more you can do.
Before you give up, I am wondering if anybody skilled in Motivational Interviewing has ever worked with your daughter? Motivational Interviewing has been the most successful and highly regarded treatment for alcoholics and drug addicts for at least the last 20 years. I have used it with some life long alcoholics and drug addicts and seen some amazing results. I hope you are taking some time out for yourself to do things that you love. It is exhausting to love a child and then have so much heartbreak. Let us know how we can help!
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jones54
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« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2018, 11:32:36 AM »

Thank you so much for your replies and support. I finally have great news! My daughter finally hit rock bottom. She signed herself into rehab yesterday. She will be at a residential program that she actually attended years ago and actually did quite well afterwards. It is an all women rehab where they all live together in this old Victorian house. The Executive Director is someone I actually know and is wonderful person. She is a counselor and also is trained in DBT. She will only counsel one person at a time due to her other duties. She has agreed to take my daughter on to counsel. After 6 months of constant let downs, I am elated. I know there is a long road ahead and a lot of work for her to do but finally she is going in a better direction. I give all thanks to God for this to happen. I am so grateful as well to everyone who has supported me here. Most people do not understand what a parent goes thru with this illness but everyone here can relate and understand. I am grateful for this web site and for all who participate. I questioned many times what I was doing with the no contact and boundaries that I put up. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life pulling back and waiting. The support I received here was invaluable. There is a long road ahead for her but this is the first time SHE decided to get help for herself. I will continue to pray for her to realize she is the person to get better and the work is up to her. I will always be there for her emotionally in every way.
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« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2018, 12:28:34 PM »

I am so glad you have found some really good treatment for your daughter. Sometimes rock bottom is when a person is most receptive to treatment. DBT is a well respected and well know effective treatment for BPD.  By the time many addicts hit rock bottom, many family members are no longer involved because they are all worn out from the ups and downs, the periods of no contact, the relapses, etc. You are a wonderful father to keep supporting your daughter, and your involvement in her treatment will mean a great deal to her. There will be others in her treatment program who will not have any family support. Please share with us your journey, and any ways we can better help parents. You have a lot of experience and any tips you can give us on how to better engage parents who contact us would be greatly appreciated.
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« Reply #5 on: March 22, 2018, 05:03:22 PM »

jones54 this is absolutely wonderful, wonderful news! I'm so very happy for you, your daughter got there, she made HER decision, I wish her well in her recovery. What relief you must be feeling to know your daughter is safe in the program after all these long, long months of torment and worry. You've been through the wringer jones, you stood firm and that is hard to do with what you were faced. You did it and she did it.

It's great to hear the counsellor you know has taken your daughter on, I hope that gives you comfort and confidence she's in the best of hands, that really gave me peace of mind. It is a long journey ahead, it's going in the right direction. Is your daughter familiar with DBT?

You and your daughter are in my thoughts tonight   

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« Reply #6 on: March 22, 2018, 05:11:28 PM »

Jones,
I'm so happy to read that your daughter has taken such a huge step forward!  I hope you are finding peace in that difficult decision that you made.  Your strength will be what she sees when she comes out the other side of her treatment!  Congratulations!
1hope
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jones54
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« Reply #7 on: March 27, 2018, 01:46:20 PM »

Thanks for everyone's kind words. My daughter actually was in DBT years ago. I am sure it was at least 12 years ago. The sad thing is I remember her saying when she went thru the course that she was "high" most of the time so she was really not learning anything. I am hopeful she will be much more serious about her recovery and therapy this time. She actually called me yesterday and wanted to thank me and say she loved me. She will be going to court on Monday for her shoplifting arrest. She asked if I would accompany her before the judge since one of her therapists will be going as well. I said yes. She has felt for years that I have excluded her. In actuality it has been her who excluded herself with her addictions and being "angry" at her family. She asked if I would be willing to do therapy with her there while she is in rehab. Of course I agreed (that was what I was trying to do with her before she went off the deep end with her addiction). Believe it or not, even after all this time and with her finally starting her recovery, I still get anxious. I know she has a long road ahead but I need to be grateful where she is at right now. She is safe and surrounded by caring people. As they say in Alanon/AA... ."one day at a time".
I will be hopeful we can move ahead. The therapist that her mother and I are working with is going to help us with better communication skills with our daughter. Hopefully with her working to get better and us working to communicate better, the relationships will improve.
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« Reply #8 on: March 28, 2018, 09:07:25 AM »

Dear Jones  Great news  Big step for your d to decide this on her own  Like you said one day at a time  but Im sure you are sleeping a little better today Wishing you all the best Great start for your d   
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« Reply #9 on: March 28, 2018, 11:29:53 AM »

I guess you will be anxious, you've been on constant high alert for so long, keep up the self care. That's so lovely she called to thank you and that she loves you ... .welling up here jones. Yes day by day. I told your story to my daughter (she knows I'm a member of a support group, not which one), I sometimes do that, it's a good way of opening up a conversation and gaining her viewpoint and general chit chat around mental health issues, I learn from her. She asked me to share with you DBT is a way of life, a great way of life and opportunity to grow, there is a great mental health community out there that can support your daughter if she wants to reach out at some point, she's not alone and to wish you and your daughter all the very best. Have you ever considered doing DBT? you can online.

Yes day by day.
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« Reply #10 on: March 30, 2018, 09:42:37 AM »

Yes, mggt, I am finally sleeping much better at night. That was one the more difficult things is not sleeping well. Wendydarling, I have never thought about doing DBT for myself. I have read a little bit about it. I guess something to think about. My daughter seems to be stable at this point. I did speak with her again on the phone. Her head seems to be clear. Not sure when I am supposed to get involved with her counseling sessions. I will leave all of that up to the therapist.
I do struggle with discussing my daughter with my girlfriend. We have been together for sometime. Never have any discord between us on anything except when we talk about my daughter. I have always been too "involved" with trying to "save" my daughter. This has always bothered my girlfriend (she wants me to let her figure things out on her own... .she is right).  This time was the first time I really stepped back. Thru the years I have struggled letting my girlfriend know all that is going on with my daughter because I fear getting into an argument. It has even gotten to the point when I have not been totally honest with her due to my fears of her not agreeing. People have said "she does not need to know everything that is going on" but usually she eventually finds something out and then she gets very mad at me for not being honest. I know that is wrong on my part but I struggle with all of this. I have not told her I will be accompanying my daughter to court on Monday.  I fear she will think I am going to try to get the judge to be lenient on her. I am going because her therapist is going and she asked if I would come as well. Bothers me that I feel I cannot be upfront with my girlfriend. I have long lived in this triangle with me, my daughter and my girlfriend. I have longed for everyone to just get along but realize these type of relationships are out of my control. The only thing I can control is myself. Sorry to expound on this but at the moment that is what I am thinking. Having a BPD child sure complicates your life.
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« Reply #11 on: April 02, 2018, 02:19:10 PM »

Hi jones

Wendydarling, I have never thought about doing DBT for myself. I have read a little bit about it. I guess something to think about.


Have you read Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder , in her book Shari shares with us some of the tools and lessons to your right,  Bullet: important point (click to insert in post) DBT based, I know as my DD who's been through DBT shares back with me, she keeps me on my toes, is good!
 

I do struggle with discussing my daughter with my girlfriend. We have been together for sometime. Never have any discord between us on anything except when we talk about my daughter. I have always been too "involved" with trying to "save" my daughter. This has always bothered my girlfriend (she wants me to let her figure things out on her own... .she is right).  This time was the first time I really stepped back. Thru the years I have struggled letting my girlfriend know all that is going on with my daughter because I fear getting into an argument. It has even gotten to the point when I have not been totally honest with her due to my fears of her not agreeing. People have said "she does not need to know everything that is going on" but usually she eventually finds something out and then she gets very mad at me for not being honest. I know that is wrong on my part but I struggle with all of this. I have not told her I will be accompanying my daughter to court on Monday.  I fear she will think I am going to try to get the judge to be lenient on her. I am going because her therapist is going and she asked if I would come as well. Bothers me that I feel I cannot be upfront with my girlfriend. I have long lived in this triangle with me, my daughter and my girlfriend. I have longed for everyone to just get along but realize these type of relationships are out of my control. The only thing I can control is myself. Sorry to expound on this but at the moment that is what I am thinking. Having a BPD child sure complicates your life.

jones, you are there balancing yourself right now, finding your way. It's your way, that's what works. Can your partner see how far you've come over this last year? She may feel differently now?

WDx
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« Reply #12 on: April 03, 2018, 02:48:24 PM »

Wendydarling, it has always been a struggle with her for the past 10 years. It does not help that my daughter does not like her. Believe it or not we got engaged 12 years ago but she has never felt comfortable moving ahead. She has never been married and does have trust issues. Not a good combo with someone like me with a BPD daughter and addiction issues (and an enabling father in the past). I have changed so much thru the years and I think she can see this but she still always brings up she cannot trust me because I may do something but am afraid to discuss it with her because she will be in total disagreement with what I did and get upset. So I may not tell her something and she eventually finds out and will be mad I was not up front with her. It really is a bad situation. Very odd because I speak totally freely with my ex about my daughter and feel totally comfortable to tell her anything regarding our daughter. I do not like that I need to "sneak around " what is going on with my daughter and I have even said to her I fear her getting upset with me. She feels that is an excuse. Do not get me wrong, my girlfriend is a wonderful person in every other regard and it is only the relationship related to my daughter that is an issue. My girlfriend can be very black and white with her principals. She has never had children so I think there is another factor not knowing the connection a parent has with their children.
My therapist said my ex and I should be congratulated with how we did pulling back and having boundaries. I admit at the end I was in great fear over her dying from an OD,( she did OD twice in the last 4 weeks). I may have communicated more with the people at the homeless shelter as well as the person at the rehab where she eventually agreed to go to but I in no way was controlling what would happen. In years past her mother and I would "rescue" her. Pick her up and put her in rehab without her asking to go. We did that maybe 5 or 6 times. It bothers me that now that we pulled back to make her finally decide for herself to go to rehab, my girlfriend still thinks I was involved too much. All I did was listen to the people who were connecting with my daughter at the homeless shelter but my girlfriend still feels I had too much input and was not enough for my daughter to truly ask for help by herself. I guess we will just have to see how she does. I am just grateful she is now alive and someplace safe. Funny how I can switch worrying about my daughter then worrying about my relationship with my girlfriend. Seems like I need to be better with all of this. I should also say I am getting tired of not moving ahead with my girlfriend. I have tried for years but she always finds a reason (trust) not to move ahead. Once my daughter is stable, I think I need to make a decision for myself to move on to other pastures.
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« Reply #13 on: April 05, 2018, 02:04:38 PM »

Hi jones

How did court go? How's your daughter engaging in treatment, it's early days, I guess it's whether overtime you see small nuggets of change from previous rehabs, it's her responsibility. With my DD they were almost invisible, internal to her till she felt comfortable to share, show, I stood back, she was in treatment, she knew I was walking with her all the way that's the one thing I shared with her, she can do this, we are both doing our very best.

Your therapist is bang on! Many congratulations to you and your ex, I hope your daughter in time is able to feel kindness and gratitude. I say that as my DD following DBT has been able to feel kindness and gratitude of those who stood by her and continue to help her through as she continues to take on her responsibility to be well.

jones, I'd take your time with your fiancé, as you say you've made big changes these last few years, you and your ex are relieved your daughter has made a step to help herself. If your daughter continues to help herself, your fiancé may feel relieved, like you and your ex. I guess my Q is can you all get on the same page?

WDx
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« Reply #14 on: April 05, 2018, 04:17:51 PM »

Hi Wendydarling,
Court went fine (as good as could be expected). The judge was something who understands addiction very well which I believed helped. It was a bit uncomfortable for me being there but one of her therapists was there as well. My dd actually rode with me and we had some time together. It went quite well. She was very appropriate and apologetic for putting her parents thru all that has happened in the last few months with her addiction. No arguments at all between us (so nice for a change). You are absolutely correct in that this is all her responsibility now. We are happy to be involved as an emotional support but it is up to her to stay clean and make progress with her therapy.
  I think you are spot on as well with my fiance. I need to slow down on this. There have been many times she has gotten upset with me related to situations with my daughter. I think I need to prove myself by not enabling but I am hopeful with time we (me, her mother and my fiance) can all get on the same page. This is going to take a long time. I just need to let go of my frustration with my fiance not willing to move ahead. If my daughter does what she is supposed to do and I am doing what I am supposed to do (not enabling and letting her do her own recovery) and this has been going on for many months, I will need to think about what is best for me and my future. It is not that I want to break up but there has to come to a point in time where I need to face reality. You are right. I need to slow down on this concern of mine and see if things do not improve as my daughter (hopefully) improves. I so much appreciate your input (especially from a female perspective).
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« Reply #15 on: April 18, 2018, 03:13:08 AM »

How's it going jones, how are you?  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #16 on: April 18, 2018, 04:11:03 PM »

Hi Wendydarling,
Thanks for checking in. Everything with my daughter seems very good. She seems like a different person. Not sure if it is because she is off the drugs or what. She has been in the rehab house for a month. We actually had breakfast on last Sunday. We were going to go to church but it was closed due to bad weather here. We had a very nice time together. No outbursts. I told her that her brother and his wife were expecting. She was taken back and was going to get made by stating "she is never included in the family". I then explained with all her addictions recently we lost touch with her and she was never around to tell her. She seemed to handle my answer and everything was fine. What a change from a year of hate texts. I suspect it is her now being sober and hopefully her discussions with the therapists. She has asked her mom and I to eventually be included in the sessions.
As far as my fiance, things are are not perfect. I have always had a hard time talking to her about my daughter. She is very black and white. We have been together for 15 years and engaged for 13 of them. I am struggling right now as to whether to leave. You said last time to slow it down and I agree. I do not want to break it off but she does not like my relationship with my daughter. I at times withhold my contacts with my daughter in fear she will get mad at me. I have always been an enabler (minimal to none now) but my fiance feels I am going to go back to my old self. When I hold back on info and she asks something I have not been truthful at times because I do not want her to disagree and get upset with me. I should be totally honest. She always seems to find out later and gets very upset with me (which is understandable).  Funny because in our relationship that is our only area of discord. Unfortunately that is a big one since my daughter is not going away.  My fiance is probably more upset with me than anything but she does not like my daughter (feeling is mutual). This is a real struggle for me. My fiance also does not like that I am still meeting with my ex and a therapist about my daughter weekly. It was interesting that my daughter suggested at breakfast that I get back together with her mom. I was caught off guard by this. My ex and I seem to get along better than me and my fiance when it come to our daughter.
I am going to sit tight a bit longer and let the waters calm between myself and my fiance (really my girlfriend since she has never made any effort to move ahead with me). But to be truthful, I am seriously considering having us take a break from each other and see how we feel. Sad that I struggled for so long with my daughter's issues and now that she has stabilized I am focused on my relationship with my fiance. I am afraid to break it off but am losing hope that she will ever move ahead. Sorry that this is less about BPD but that is where my focus is right now.
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« Reply #17 on: April 18, 2018, 05:10:25 PM »

Hey Jones, thanks for sharing your honesty.  Makes sense to me that you'd see the light on all things including the relationship w your girlfriend.  It's like a light has been shed and now you can see what you need to see, especially your own boundaries.  I hope that light continues to shine for you. 
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« Reply #18 on: April 20, 2018, 08:41:59 AM »

Faith Spring, so true, shine the light.

Jones, it’s amazing your daughter seems like a different person, she’s making steady progress-good for her! You deserve every moment of calm, you’ve consistently and clearly communicated your boundaries, what’s in and what’s out, she’s listening to you. I'm so glad you had a nice time together, the scene has been set  Smiling (click to insert in post) and I guess many kids would like their parents to be together when they see them 'working well together' like you and your ex.

Do you plan to attend church together again? Consistency may help her and your relationship, it’s a safe space. I ask you, as when my daughter was in the women’s crisis home, struggling big time, they visited the local Buddhist Centre, my DD found moments of peace, small stepping stones and hope to build upon. You’ve reminded me of an old post of mine to a father whose DD was drinking as my DD did, ‘fill the space with DBT’, that’s what my DD did, my point is that ‘space’ can be filled with all things positive, these last two weeks DD’s learning to knit, a friend is teaching her, she’s loving it and it’s something she never thought she’d be able to do. I’m now rambling …

We talk about everything here jones, US, our children, family, parents, co-parenting, partners, ex partners, sibs, friends, relationships …... bpdfamily healing platform.  You are struggling right now whether to leave your fiancé, have a break... .she's not moving ahead. Have you read the lessons on the relationship boards, you may find the Conflicted lessons helpful as you are work towards Choosing a Path. Your doing great jones, I know how hard this is for you and you are sad, I hear you.
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« Reply #19 on: April 20, 2018, 10:39:18 AM »

Thanks for your replies. I hope to go to church with her again. No doubt she needs God in her life. She just left a message with me and her mom that she would like to spend next Saturday afternoon with the two of us since her birthday is next week. I am happy to do this but struggle in that my girlfriend will not like the idea. She does not like my ex and that we see a therapist together. I know I should just bite the bullet and go (which I would like to do) but do worry about how my girlfriend will react that my ex will be there as well. I would rather just go and say I am going to be just with my daughter but if my girlfriend found out my ex was there she would think I am "sneeking around". That would be worse. I understand her concerns with the three of us being together but it is for her birthday. I just wish she would not be upset if this is what we do. Not sure the best way to approach her with this.
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« Reply #20 on: April 20, 2018, 11:17:18 AM »

Jones54 - I've been following your posts and have noted the underlying storyline about your girlfriend.  It can be difficult to mediate between two people but perhaps the concept of boundaries can help clarify a course of action.  Why not tell your GF that you'll be attending the upcoming event, and let her decide if she wants to be there or not?  That way, everything is out in the open, you've made your position clear (and you don't need to JADE), and she gets to choose her next steps.  If she attends, great - if she doesn't, that's fine too, but it will be her choice. 
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« Reply #21 on: April 26, 2018, 11:08:45 AM »

Running with scissors,
Thanks for the suggestion but inviting my girlfriend along would be a total disaster. My ex and daughter totally dislike my girlfriend. It has been very difficult for me. I honestly see no resolution to all of this. I am set to go with my ex to celebrate my daughters birthday on Saturday. My girlfriend is very upset and always feels I am putting her second by being with my ex. She hates that I go to therapy weekly with my ex to make things better with my daughter. I am totally frustrated  by all of this. Had a big blow up last night with my girlfriend who stated repeatedly that I have never put her first. All I have ever wanted is for everyone to get along. I need to do what I need to do for rebuilding my relationship with my daughter. So difficult because my girlfriend so dislikes my daughter and hates how  difficult it has been for me. She always calls her the "elephant" in the room. Yes, it has been so bad for years with my daughter and I have not handle the whole situation very well thru the years. I have gotten manipulated by my daughter and when this happens my girlfriend has gotten so mad at me. I am tired of not feeling good in this relationship with my girlfriend. I so not want to end it since we have been together for 15 years and I do care about her. I think she is tired of me and how I have been.  I do not want to be alone. I want my life different. I am so grateful my daughter is sober now and safe but I feel everything related to my girlfriend is almost totally lost. I feel better when I am talking to my ex which seems so odd but that is how I feel. I wish I was stronger.
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Faith Spring
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« Reply #22 on: April 26, 2018, 03:51:56 PM »

I've been following your posts too.  I wonder if it'd be wise to just come clean with your GF and admit you haven't put her first.  You can't.  Your child has serious emotional problems.  Your child has brain damage.  your child's path to healing and recovery will always come first.  Some women need to be first, that's ok.  She need a guy that will put her first.  Other women understand that the guy they love may have a child that comes first. 

You deserve support not second guessing and criticism.  Just my .02. 
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zachira
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« Reply #23 on: April 26, 2018, 04:08:24 PM »

Most parents love their children more than anybody in the world. It can be particularly hard for a partner to accept that the other partner will love their child no matter what and will do anything for their child, especially when the child is the biological child of one partner. Part of growing up is realizing we cannot always be the child who receives unconditional love, and as life goes on our role is more about supporting the younger generations.
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Scout206
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« Reply #24 on: April 26, 2018, 05:11:59 PM »

Hi Jones54
I follow you too and what Faith Spring posted made total sense to me.  Your girlfriend has not had children so may not be able to comprehend the bond.  Once you have children, their well-being comes first and always will.  I can understand that she probably has 'stayed' through 15 very hard years but it doesn't sound as though she has made them easier with respect to your daughter.   Your ex is also a part of your life because you have a child together.  I'm glad that the two of you are able to come together to do what is best for your daughter.   That is a perk that I don't have.  If your relationship with your significant other doesn't make both of you feel happier, stronger and healthier (most of the time) maybe you do need to take a break.  I don't mean to be giving advice to someone I don't know.   It is frightening to think of being without a significant other -  I know that fear and stayed in a bad relationship for far too long because of it.   But it's also hard to think about spending what's left of your time on earth arguing with someone about things in your life that are not going to change.  Has she gone to counseling?  Any counseling for the two of you together?  I'm so happy that your daughter is doing well.  It's hard to allow yourself to feel happy sometimes isn't it?   I've always been afraid of what comes next when I feel happy.  It's a bad habit that I'm trying to overcome.
Take care.  Scout206

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jones54
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« Reply #25 on: April 27, 2018, 11:04:17 AM »

Thanks so much for everyone's input. My ex and I met with the therapist last night. I actually spoke about my girlfriend (my ex knows the situation and believe it of not  is very supportive). The therapist said it is not wrong for my ex and I to take our daughter to lunch for her birthday. We actually did the same thing a few years back for dinner. My girlfriend said I would never do that again (I forget). Regardless, when she speaks to other people they support her side just as when I ask people they support my side. I think in the big picture it comes down to is whether there is a future for the two of us together. We have seen a counselor in years past. The issues I think are 1) she has never had children 2) my difficulty dealing with all the problems with my daughter (enabling) 3) Her fear of moving ahead and getting married due to severe trust issues 4) My fear of her getting mad if I do something that she construes as enabling so I avoid telling her which then goes back to her not trusting me. Very complicated. Very hard for me to just give up on all of this after 15 plus years together. I want to be with her but maybe that is just me being lonely. She does not want to be with me tonight and I am sure not tomorrow either since I will be with my ex. What is "odd" is that last night the therapist asked if my ex and I were thinking of getting together again. It must have been what we were saying. I still care for her just as she does for me. It was a bad divorce years ago but we have both forgiven each other. In a perfect world I would move ahead as planned with my girlfriend but there seems to be so many obstacles... .my daughter and how my girlfriend feels about her (she actually is afraid of my daughter), the issue of my relationship with my daughter and my girlfriend's underlying trust issues and not being able to move ahead. So I am a bit confused with my feelings. Since my ex and I still care for each other I have thought about "putting my family back together". Maybe this seems odd but it truly is something my ex and I have talked about. My family who knows my girlfriend very well have said I need to move on. They just do not see me ever being fully happy with her since they feel she will never marry (or even move in with me). I do get it that it is way more for her to give up her life and home to be with me. She has never been able to do this with the other men she dated for a long time in the past. I was the first to get engaged with her and have been with her the longest. I think she wants that kind of life with someone else but has always not been able to move ahead because of her fears (trust). I actually feel bad for her being stuck.
In actuality I am stuck as well but feel more now that I have to be the one to make a change. So hard for me.
I think I will just focus on having a good time tomorrow with my daughter. I am shocked that since she went in to rehab she is a totally different person and I am not seeing any of the BPD that went on for the last year. I am hopeful she will continue to improve.
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jones54
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« Reply #26 on: May 01, 2018, 11:29:35 AM »

Just wanted to say the afternoon with my daughter and her mother went so nice. After having lived thru the worst chaos with my daughter with her BPD and heroin addiction this past 6 to 12 months I can say good things can happen. Do not get me wrong, she is just at the beginning of all of this but I am astonished how good she has been when we are together.  I wish this can give hope to others who suffered for so long like me. She is sober which I feel is a major factor and she is getting weekly therapy. I am not sure what exactly has made the change for her. I can only hope and pray she will stay the course. She has told me she is learning new coping skills which I think is so important for those with BPD (and addiction). She is half way thru the rehab and then will go to transitional housing. A bit nervous about this but she has to eventually move on with her life and be responsible for herself. I again am so grateful for all the support I received at this website. For all of us parents who have a son or daughter with BPD this website is a Godsend. Just as in addiction, others do not know what we go thru with our BPD children. It is very similar to Al-anon. Going to meetings with others who are experiencing the same makes a huge difference in your support system. Being able to connect with others here on line is no different.
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wendydarling
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« Reply #27 on: May 02, 2018, 03:58:47 AM »

Oh jones, that's a wow moment wow, wow, wow, I'm glad you had a nice time together and you were pleasantly shocked at her good behaviour, you so deserve it!    A nice memory to build upon, she's set herself a standard. Here's a thumbs up to your daughter from me  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I am not sure what exactly has made the change for her.  
Perhaps because you changed your approach, you broke the cycle, you stood firm?

Yes, it's early days, she has the oh so important support of you and her mother. This was, is crucial for my DD, we have a bond, she working on her coping skills, me working on mine here too, support of family and friends. I can't over estimate how hard they have to work, how determined and us recognising this, offering positive reinforcement, emotional support helps them feel less alone in attaining their goals, finding a life style that works for them. I think my DD felt overwhelming relief she was on a new path and occupied 24/7 keeping on it. Yes she did have some crises, can be expected - they became less frequent, her last major one was December 2016.  They can do this.

What happens at the 'transitional' house? Have they indicated how long the treatment is?

I too wish this gives hopes to others here who are suffering and I am glad you are here with us, this forum is a godsend and you are an inspiration to us all jones, you've been through hell and back, stuck with the most difficult of decisions for any parent.

Have you made any progress thinking through your needs and your girlfriend? Did you have a look at the conflicted board here?

WDx
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Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
jones54
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« Reply #28 on: May 02, 2018, 03:05:58 PM »

Hi Wendy darling,
Thanks for the kind words. Yes, I am so happy with where my daughter is right now. Seems like a different person. She is halfway thru the 90 day rehab and will then go to a transitional house with others like her. I think this will be a 6 to 12 month stay. She will need to get a job and start taking care of herself. A bit fearful about this but she will still be in therapy. Cannot stay in rehab forever. I just hope she can continue on the right path. She talks about what she needs to do and it all seems to make sense. I am hoping that she finally gets it in regard to her sobriety. Her BPD coping skills (which she is learning in her therapy) seem to be working from what we see of her.
As far as my girlfriend, I am really struggling. Most people say if I am not happy to move on. I am not completely happy but there are so many other things that I enjoy in our relationship. We have gotten along for so many years and our only point of contention in the past was my daughter and how I probably did more enabling than I should have. Now it is all about whether she will move ahead. We have been engaged for so long and she has never been married. Maybe I already have said this. For some reason I have the personality not to give up even though the odds are stacked against me that she will not change. I feel it has come to a turning point. We have a long weekend trip planned in a few weeks out of town. I have decided to speak with her after this. She will need to give me something that I can hold on to that things will change in our moving ahead. I would like to see a therapist with her. I wish I was stronger and could just let go. I think she is going to tell me to just move on but I do know she has her reasons not to give up on the relationship.  I am loosing sleep over my concerns about all of this. Very similar when I went thru my divorce years ago. I just do not want to go thru that turmoil again but need to remember we are not married so it is much less complicated if we go our separate ways. At this point she is happy with the status quo and seems to be just looking out for herself. We continue to get along just fine but have had some issues with all the upheaval with my daughter the past few months. Going to therapy with my ex has not been easy on her. I hate that I went thru all this stress with my daughter the past few months (which thankfully is now over) and have had it all replaced with my relationship with my girlfriend.
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Scout206
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« Reply #29 on: May 11, 2018, 09:31:36 PM »

Just checking in Jones 54 to see how you are doing.   I'm ok but just feeling sad about Mother's Day.  Good thing I still have one child that loves me and I love my Mom to the moon so - I miss my daughter but am thankful for what I have!   I hope that your daughter is still in a positive place.  I hope that things are working out a bit for you and your girlfriend.  We're still all here for you.  Scout206
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