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Skills we were never taught
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Author Topic: Does this sound like BPD or something else?  (Read 650 times)
JoeBPD81
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« on: March 23, 2018, 06:34:35 AM »

My GF of 4 years has tried to explain me how she feels about me and why we can't be together. We still live together and we take care of her 2 kids, who had no idea she's planing to leave me and they want me to be their dad forever.

She sent me this, please tell me your thoughts and how you would answer:

Excerpt
I don't know how to explain how I feel, to a normal person
It's like this: imagine that you're at an All you can Eat, your favorite place on earth. And you obviously want to have it all, a bit of everything. But imagine if you knew that afterwards you were going to be violently sick, because it has happened consistently. And you have to be there, around that food that you want, but can't have it. And just act like it's OK and doesn't matter at all, and just wait until everyone else is done eating what you wanted.
And all the time, you want the same as everyone else, but you know that you can't, doesn't matter how much you like it.
And then you have the cook asking you, why don't you like my food? What's wrong with it?
And no matter how much you explain that it's not that you don't like the food but that you like it too much, you're still hurting everyone, including yourself.
Well, that's my life and you.
It was super painful to get to terms with the fact that I can't have what I wanted.
It still is.
But not as horrible as trying and trying and resenting myself for not being better.

And then you're so hungry, and the cook keeps going on feeling rejected, and you resent it because you don't have any more ways to explain, and you know that if you eat you're going to enjoy it a lot, until you start feeling so sick that you hope to die.
And you feel sorry for the cook, and for all the wasted food, and there's no way that you know how to eat the food and not be sick and resent the cook for it.
Rationally you know the cook doesn't want to make you sick.
But it happens, and you don't know how to stop it.
And everyone that you try to explain, seems to think that somehow you're not making any efforts.
When every day you're still there, around the food and the cook and just fighting to not lose your head completely.
There are so many times that I want to just jump your bones and say things and make plans, and it's real hard not to. But I am not a bad person. I don't play with people's feelings, even if you think that way about me

Thank you.
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« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2018, 07:46:21 AM »

It does sound like BPD.

If she can get treatment.  There is treatment.

Maybe she is hitting bottom.

Joe, I am sad for you.

This could be a turning point.

I think what I do is enable them, they don't have to face reality.  We end up getting hurt by the unhealthiness, as we see the good side of them and what COULD be.  We see all of that, when it falls apart, and we remember the good times.

I am at the point I do not lnow what to do.

He has moved on, and he wants to be friends.

I can't have that.  Doesn't work.

Am looking at a 6 month cooling off period.

We have 1 more counseling appt.  He told me last nite, he is going for me.  He was a totally different person last nite... .

Anyway, they can be different people, completely, and that is what throws me, I never know which person to believe, the current one or the person they were yesterday.

It's hard.  Keep on, keeping on.  There is a solution.

Somewhere.

Hugs,  j
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« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2018, 07:53:43 AM »

Hi Joe,

Excerpt
And all the time, you want the same as everyone else, but you know that you can't, doesn't matter how much you like it.

Reading this from an outside perspective, it sounds to me as though she is trying to tell you that she doesn't have the skills to make a relationship work.  That she recognises that whilst what she craves is love and a happy ending, her repeated experience is that this isn't something she is able to achieve because her feelings/fears take over and cause things to go badly.  

Excerpt
And then you're so hungry, and the cook keeps going on feeling rejected, and you resent it because you don't have any more ways to explain, and you know that if you eat you're going to enjoy it a lot, until you start feeling so sick that you hope to die.
And you feel sorry for the cook, and for all the wasted food, and there's no way that you know how to eat the food and not be sick and resent the cook for it.
Rationally you know the cook doesn't want to make you sick.
But it happens, and you don't know how to stop it.

Joe, it seems she knows what effect she has on you and is acknowledging that.  Yet from what she writes, her ability to change the cycle is lacking and she doesn't have a solution other than trying not to hurt you more by giving mixed messages.  It sounds like she is trying to protect you by disengaging in the way that she is.  I also detect awareness of your efforts to help and her own reactions to that being hurtful to you.    

She sounds very self aware.  How do you feel about this?  What is your interpretation?  This must be a difficult read for you.  

Love and light x
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« Reply #3 on: March 23, 2018, 07:56:01 AM »

Sorry Joe, I also wanted to ask what preceded this being sent to you?  Do you know what prompted her to send this?

Love and light x
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« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2018, 08:18:53 AM »

We've been 3-4 days talking about our RS, not arguing, which is nice.

She can talk nice because she has decided we are friends, and we can be polite to each other but not close. And aparently, we can continue parenting her kids, until she finds another place?

We had awful news today, we need to find another apartment, and prices have gone up since we rented. She's taking it as a sign from the Universe. I don't know what's gonna happen.
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« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2018, 08:20:27 AM »

Hey Joe,

This is intense - and I've had similar conversations with my STBXw, where she would acknowledge things, but would take zero responsibility. Then, later, she would beg me to remind her that she could get well and that treatment does work, and would tell me the only reason she believes that is because I believe it. And then she lied about going to counseling. More than lied - she fabricated all kinds of stuff about the DBT place I was going to that she was supposedly going to, as well. It was bizarre, but a clear indication that she 1. Could acknowledge the presence of BPD in her life; 2. Knew that DBT was the path forward; but 3. Was not ready to commit to treatment.

If I got this text, I would ask her why I am the cook and why I'm not another diner, or someone that is eating with her. I think our BPD folks like to imagine us in a position of power that we don't necessarily have and then like to resent us for that power. They also get very uncomfortable with our real and perceived expectations, and hate feeling obligated to anything.

I might ask her to reconsider her metaphor and ask her why it has to be your restaurant with your food. What if you two were out together, or were even separate people at separate tables at this restaurant? What if she got to choose the restaurant? What would it look like for her to make her own choices here and not feel backed into a corner of obligation and guilt in a scenario that doesn't quite exist?

My STBXw was a vegan for a long time and part of being with someone with dietary restrictions means scoping restaurants ahead of time and advocating for food substitutions when they are ok with you advocating for them. I wonder if you could propose something similar to continue her metaphor. Hey, so you've got something that makes it really difficult to eat here. Do you want my support as a fellow diner? Do you want to go somewhere else?

Just remember - you're not the chef. You're her equal, even if you need to advocate and care take, you're still her equal and she still has her dignity.

Let me know if this sits with you ok or not - I'm curious, given that I've heard such similar things from my STBXw, too.
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« Reply #6 on: March 23, 2018, 10:27:30 AM »

Joe,

After reading up on your other posts about how she acts and statements she makes, in addition to this,
yes, I think BPD is a factor, but so is her body dysphoria and what to me looks like chronic depression.

The part that is BPD is the "all or nothing" comments.  She can't work things out with you unless she thinks it will be perfect for both of you.  Black and white thinking.  Perfection is not something human beings can attain.  We strive for it, knowing we will fall short, but we still see how close we can get.  We also learn the difference between happiness and contentment.  You can be content but not happy every single minute of the day.

Now I find her metaphors a little ironic, as they speak volumes about her eating disorder as well as her relationship ideas.  You GF seems to be saying, "I want cake.  But since I can't have the whole cake because it will make me sick and feel fat later, I will eat NO cake.  I am unable to eat one slice, one bite, and only eat a reasonable amount.  I must have it all, or I will have nothing.  I know this confuses people as I want to see THEM eat the cake and try to derive pleasure from it, but then I realize I am hurting the baker's feelings, so I am a failure no matter what."

"I want to be with you.  But it won't be "perfect" because I am flawed and you are flawed, and so it's best you just do without me, so I can say you abandoned me rather than realize my emotional state is really me abandoning you.  I am trying to both abandon you and keep you around at a safe distance at the same time before you abandon me."

Since BPD is an emotional disorder, and their emotions are seen as facts to them, if she FEELS perfection is required but impossible, she will FEEL that the relationship, as much as she wants it, as much as you want it, is useless and doomed.

My H gets like this - if it's less than 100% what his expectation was, even 95% wonderful, he feels it's a failure.  And no matter how much I validate and express thanks and appreciation for something if he gets it stuck in his mind it was not "perfect" he is set on being down on himself about it, claims he's a failure, etc.  Also in this vein he will choose to interpret ANY face I made, gesture, comment to be negative no matter how I feel at the time (I don't believe I can express anger to him if I am not feeling remotely angry.  He confuses me being tired with angry, sick or in pain for angry.  He wants to believe I am angry, as for some reason that is easier to deal with than me being content but tired, sick, or hurting, or even happy, he just can't believe that one.)

I want to think it's good she is trying to work on explaining her feelings to you.  I know these conversations are painful, but the more you can get her actually talking, the more maybe you can get a few seeds of thought communicated to her as well.  I hope you are still trying to take care of you. 
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« Reply #7 on: March 23, 2018, 10:59:58 AM »

Joe, do you have any thoughts on how you wish to respond to what she has said?  What is your instinct telling you to do?  Like Isilme astutely pointed out, it struck me also that she is combining two struggles for herself into one by relating your r/s to her eating disorder.  It speaks volumes about her noting her perceived lack of control.  What do you think?

Love and light x
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« Reply #8 on: March 23, 2018, 12:07:36 PM »

I'm now worried sick about the apartment situation. We both are. So everything else is postponed. I'm meeting the landlord in some minutes.

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« Reply #9 on: March 23, 2018, 12:54:11 PM »

Good luck Joe - it's never easy to deal with this stuff on top of the BPD stuff. Keep yourself in wisemind and ask for time if you feel like you're making a decision in your emotional mind, even if it's just an hour to step away and figure things out.
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« Reply #10 on: March 23, 2018, 11:02:48 PM »

After reading up on your other posts about how she acts and statements she makes, in addition to this,
yes, I think BPD is a factor, but so is her body dysphoria and what to me looks like chronic depression.

Joe, my friend, I believe that islime is spot-on. Everything she says is something to read and re-read. Harley Quinn and lighthouse9 have also made really really good points and observations. There's so much good feedback in this thread. I'm not sure how much else I could say, except, yes, I believe that what you are reading from your GF is typical of traits associated with BPD.

I understand that right now you and your GF need to focus on the apartment situation. When you get back to a place where you can read the boards and re-read this advice, let me pull out one really key phrase in what islime said:
"I want to be with you.  But it won't be "perfect" because I am flawed and you are flawed, and so it's best you just do without me, so I can say you abandoned me rather than realize my emotional state is really me abandoning you.  I am trying to both abandon you and keep you around at a safe distance at the same time before you abandon me."

Joe, I know you have no intention of abandoning her. She will continue to try and push and pull while she struggles with the intense emotions she's dealing with. Your GF needs to seek help. When you come back, lets talk about ways you can support YOURSELF while also trying to support your wife and the children you are raising together.

Huge hugs and support, Joe - we are here for you all the way  
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« Reply #11 on: April 02, 2018, 03:23:18 AM »

Hi again, guys

I've been out of the boards for some days, and in rent pages all day. We now have some hope about an apartment we are visiting tomorrow. If that works our life can continue as it were, same neighborhood, more expensive, but doable.

We've been seeing places all over the city, smaller places, farther away places, places in scary areas... .Thinking how we could pay them, how we would get to work/school... .And things looked bleek. I thank you for your prayers, because if this flat works out, it would be just short of a miracle. I'm grateful just for the hope.

We saw another one in similar circunstances, but right in the 1st call, the owner told us that we don't earn enough for him to be comfortable renting to us. We saw other places that lied in the advertising, really sad-ugly-old flats. We've seen many cons too.

Needless to say we've been very stressed. The kids know, and they want to be distracted from any worry, so they act out even more. Even during visits to flats, they fight. We're going alone to this one tomorrow.

My GF wanted to throw the towell. She took all this as a signal to leave and give up the kids, and life. I kept in my mind the posibility to be looking for a place just for myself to lick my wounds. And figuring out what my life would be after. With the new prices, I might had to share a flat.

... .

We had 2 days, not in a row, but close, that she cried all day, and I held her. She hugs me often, she took some oil and massaged my hands and arms yesterday, without me asking. She asked me one night to stay with her in her bed, and she's come 4-5 nights to sleep with me in the middle of the night until morning.

She's told she appreciates now more everything. That she's been complaining, and now being about to lose it all, she thinks she should have been more appreciative for what we had. That all this has been a teaching moment.

Both things are hopeful. Carefuly hopeful. I hope we can build from that.
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« Reply #12 on: April 02, 2018, 10:17:29 AM »

Hi Joe, good to hear how you're doing.

I wish you lived around here - I used to type the newspaper rent-ads and knew which landlords were reputable and paid their own bills on time and which were jerks.  

Quick find-an-apartment-and-move-in-one-week-story: One time H and I had an electrical fire right before I went to work on Christmas Eve.  That was scary.  H worked nights, I worked 12 hour days, and as I was leaving in the morning he was still asleep, but smoke started pouring out of the bedroom outlet behind his head right as I was about to leave the room.  It woke him, we discovered it, and I ran to the old-fashioned fuse box and pulled the fuse for that outlet - and ALL wall outlets in the crappy apartment - and had to run to work.  Luckily it was just a half day, so we ran an extension cord around the side of the building to run some heaters, and resolved to find a place and move by the 1st so we would not pay another cent to this terrible landlord (we had horrible plumbing issues, and the apartments upstairs leaked a lot on our kitchen.  H went to work that evening, I called a number of some apartments nearby (we needed somewhere walking distance to both the local college AND our workplaces since we shared one car).  I was told they were all full, but that they were managed by Coldwell Banker.  I did not know it, but both Coldwell Banker and Century 21 manage rentals as well.  We found a nice, tiny, well-maintained "apartment" cottage, 500sq ft, one block away.  We both had work, but our friends came, and literally walked our furniture down the street for us, and we were out by the 31st.  So miracles can happen Smiling (click to insert in post)

I will hope that a lot of her dysregulation over the last several weeks has been a lot of her reaction to the stress of the rental-hunt.  Problems often seem insurmountable to a pwPD.  Imagine how badly you've been feeling.  Then, multiply it 100x.  I think that might be a bit how having BPD feels.  If I feel despair, H must be in the darkest pit imaginable.  

I hope you can continue to feel closer, I hope a housing solution presents itself, and that those kids can learn some manners!  Send them to me :D  I am learning to adjust to the cranky-no-kids-lady role, I'll get 'em straightened out :P  Got plenty of yard work and gardening that could use small, dexterous hands.

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« Reply #13 on: April 04, 2018, 08:51:09 AM »

Hi there,

still hopeful, but soo tired... .

If I end up alone, I think I will leave the city, or at least try. Here it is so expensive just to survive, man!

The landlords liked us, and they say we have priority if all the paperwork checks out. They are a nice old couple, but a little on the untrusting side. I had to present them papers from all areas of my life, the only thing they didn't ask was an X-ray of my behind. Oh lord! They could turn us down if the insurance company considers the child support as an unreliable source of income. We are praying they take us.

The flat is not as nice as the one we are in, but the location is better. I'm trying not to think that it will be €100 more expensive every month. And that they can leave me anytime in one of my GF's crisis. We BPD family members live dangerously.

The dysregulation came way before we suspected anything rent related. This is weirdly bringing us closer. One day she told me she liked living with us, then that she was used to having me around... .And yesterday morning that she sometimes think I'm a complete stranger and she doesn't know me. But she is aware that some of that is her own paranoia.

If she lands the job, it would do us a lot of good.

Oh, the doctors discovered an unusually dangerously low level of vitamin D on her. She gets sun, but she's not producing Vitamin D, and going back, she's had this deficency for years. It is related to depression, so a supplement can mean a good change. We have a bit of hope there.

I would love to send these kids somewhere to straighten them out, Oh, Lord! During Easter we had to send the older a couple of days with the granma, to have some peace for us and for S6. She told them this is not what she wants, but that she can't take it anymore, and that she might have to let their dad try to civilize them. She told them nicely, and told them crying, and told them screaming out of her witts... .But even when they are shocked for a minute, the next minute it is more important to not get bored, and they keep fighting even with her mother crying on her knees on the floor. I've never seen anything like that.

I think gardening ot farming might work wonders on these kids. No nonsense honest manual work.

Lets hope the new flat comes with a fresh start.

Thanks for listening, and for your support.
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« Reply #14 on: April 04, 2018, 10:01:48 AM »

I volunteer Tattered Heart to take on one of the kids so they can help her with her land (sounds like she's on a large plot) and the baby piggies  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #15 on: April 04, 2018, 10:45:17 AM »

I think you did a good job sending the kids away. Do you have any plans with the partner? Maybe a nice stroll in the park?
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« Reply #16 on: April 04, 2018, 10:53:55 AM »

Oh, the kid went for a day and a half, and we are back in business.
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« Reply #17 on: April 11, 2018, 01:50:00 AM »

Hey Joe, hope you’re doing well. Update us when you get the chance Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #18 on: April 13, 2018, 07:39:40 AM »

Thanks Crywolf,

I hope you are feeling better yourself.

When I met my GF, and we became friends, she was on her way of being kicked out of her home. Her then-husband was increasingly abusive, the 6 year old would go between her and him, and yell "stop hitting mama!". She had asked for a divilized divorce many times, tried counseling... .But he would threat many things if she left. Finaly she saw no alternative but to reporting him, as everyone was advising her to do for years.

During the restraining order, he kept demanding that they left HIS house. He termitated the electricity, water, and heating contracts. The only thing he wanted was the house, and told her to go back to her mother. He signed an agreement in exchange for them leaving the house. The lawyers signed too, and they moved away from their family home. Reluctantly, frigtened and under threats of violence and murder. He never ratified that agreement in court, so it was worth nothing. She started a court battle that lasted for years to come.

In short, she had a home, and she was forced out with her kids.

She rented a flat in my city, which she hates (Thinking he would pay what he had signed), and she had to leave it very soon, because he didn't pay. Another forced moving, with the kids.

Then 2 years living the 3 of them in a room with mattresses on the floor, in the house of her mother. Not because the mother didn't have money or space, she just didn't bother to make their stay more welcome. She and other relatives, kept telling her to move out, and live with me, then her boyfriend, "such a nice guy". She, remembering her past, felt thrown out.

The moment they left, the grandmother bought a dog, which my gf is dangerously alergic. She barely can visit that house for 10 minutes without falling sick. Let alone live there again.

People here in the boards know about the rocky process of starting and living together since we moved together less than 2 years ago. She was just starting to feel at home lately. And we are being kicked out again. For her, this opens old painful wounds.

For me, you know I live with all the uncertainty in the world. Never knowing when or if she is going to leave me. I was barely making ends meet. And now we have to move to a more expensive place. Prices have gone crazy in the last 2 years in my city. So we are lucky if we end up renting a place for 100€ more than the one we are in, without sacrificing much comfort.

So I fear strugling more with money, and then go back to being insecure, or end up alone in a very expensive 3 bedroom apartment. And with that fear we are visiting flats left and right. Yesterday we said yes to one. The furniture looks old, but is as big as ours, and has some nice things. The only weird thing is that the fridge is very small (looks like a joke, seriously). And the kitchen is built around that fridge size. But we'll find a way around that, I think.

I've been using all my spare time to do this, doing math, comparing places, talking to real state agents and owners... .The rest of my day I've been crisis solving, with the kids or my gf.

We've been closer than usual, in average. But she is devastated and hopeless. Specially because the kids seem to be growing up to become sociopaths, and she blames herself. Nothing we do seems to work with them.

The little one turned 7, mom went with him to 6 different stores to buy him something he wanted (although he already had several Bday presents). It was out of stock in all of them. She said "well, we go on with the plan, and we try again later". Some minutes after, we were all having fun, and out of nowhere he said to his mom "You dirty stupid mother, I want nothing from you!" with a really hateful face. She is living because of them, she makes countless sacrifices for them... .And then they treat her as a slave, and they punish her for everything they don't like, even when they know it's not her fault at all. But she believes it's her fault, so it breaks her completely, she was laughing before, and crying after the little one said that.

They are specially nasty when she sings, or dances, or laughs, or seems to be enjoying life in any way.

Then the ex came back into the picture. We had the court ruling more than 2 years ago. Then the sentence said how much he owed the kids. He appealed and lost about 2 years ago. Then last July, as he didn't pay, they sent him the warning that her account will be frozen, and his house and car could be repossessed if he couldn't pay. He owes less than a month's salary for him, a world to us. My GF offered him a payment plan, and he didn't listen. So now they have started taking to money leaving him no choice. And he's raging mad. He called again with threats, demanding she gives back "his" money. Saying that he prefers to see her dead than seeing her enjoying his money... .Then saying that filthy money is peanuts for him, in the same call. That he's gonna hate her forever, and that he's gonna make a hell of her life.

So... .More wounds open.

The mother owns two 4-bedroom apartments at a historical neigborhood, they are worth a fortune. They could be rented for tripple what we are paying. One is ocupied by her and a 20somehting year old daughter, the other, by a 37 year old daughter, rent free and expenses paid. People can't believe that 2 sisters are taken care of, and one is left to fend for herself with 2 kids, no job and being a victim. The mother has her 2 sister entitled, and to her (and the kids), she gives less than to the dog, literaly. That is very invalidating, that your own mother does all this in your face. Everytime the family is in the picture, she is brought way down. After all this time knowing them, the behavior of the mother boils down to "she wishes her daughter didn't exist".

At any point in life, even when your mental health is peachy, if even your parents and your sons seem to despise you, you must feel pretty useless, and like a failure. If you don't seem to find a job, for 4 years, and you were abused by pretty much everyone that should have protected you in life... .

I feel alone in this, like trying to stop a snowball the size of a building speeding down a mountain.

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« Reply #19 on: April 15, 2018, 06:03:52 PM »

Hi Joe,

It's good to hear an update from you.  So glad that you have an apartment sorted.  That must be a relief at least. 

Your last sentence really speaks volumes.  How can that change Joe?  If not stopping the snowball, at least the being alone in it part?  Who else can you share some of this with and have some support from?  For you.   

Love and light x 
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« Reply #20 on: April 15, 2018, 08:15:36 PM »

Hey Joe,

It seems like your partner is a loving and caring person. Im sorry the kids are giving her such a horrible time. She loves them so much and the kids are probably causing her to feel unloved and wanted as a mother. This is tough for anyone. I wish the kids could appreciate their mom and realize their words and actions are taking a toll on her. They are just kids, and probably dont know their actions and words, but nonetheless I feel like something has to change on this end. For the mothers sake.

Your partner must feel huge despair when her own mother wont acknowledge her and only her sisters. This is tough. This must make her feel "worthless" and feel a 100x more. Im deeply sorry for the situation. No one deserves to be treated this way. If anyone would be treating me this way, I would detach and never acknowldge them again. Blood doesnt make family, and she deserves happiness that they are not giving her. Have you guys tried moving farther away? Maybe outside the city if possible? I apologize if youve mentioned this before. Maybe moving away from the city could slow things down a bit, and turn dynamics in the relationship? Just some suggestions for you, Joe. I really hope things turn better for you and your partner and you find true bliss.

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« Reply #21 on: April 17, 2018, 03:34:32 AM »

Hi guys,

thanks for the responses. I'm feeling closer to her, so I feel we work as a team, with a lot of unstability, but it's a better feeling. That way I don't feel so alone, HQ.

I'm gonna have to study a lot this month, I don't know it that will bring more chaces of conflict.

Crywolf you were spot on on the summary. She went away from her family before, and things were better, but the conflict was buried, not resolved. The pain came back worse than before after years of running away.

My job is here, and I have opportunities to move seldomly. Last chance I asked her to move together away from the city, and she got mad. She told me she couldn't. Mostly because the center of the kids' world is the school. All the stuff  is involved in helping them. The head misstress is friends with my gf. And a bitter-sweet thing, the grandmother works there. They love their friends there too.

My gf has her friends and contacts in a little town in the coast, where the ex lives. But she believes that if we moved closer, the ex would be dangerous in several ways.

She also believes that I will dump them some day, and it can't be lost in the geography of the country, after moving the kids like luggage. Here at least she has some aquaintances and family, even if they are not eager to take them in, that's something.

The ex is now calling a couple of times a week. Not asking about the kids, but to chat, and ask questions about our life. He's not threatening anymore, or not much. But she doesn't know his intentions. He's a liar and a manipulator, so she can't let her guard down. But she can't tell him to piss off, because we can't afford to go some months without the child support, if he were to withhold it. This is very unsettling to her. And I don't know what to tell her about it.

She says she feels something good is about to happen, I hope she can keep that attitude long, and that she is right about that. I'm praying more these days, I need some help from big forces.

Take care, and thanks again.
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« Reply #22 on: April 22, 2018, 04:49:08 PM »

Joe how do you feel about him asking about your life?  I can understand her not wanting to be rude, and it would be healthy if she stated that she's prepared to talk about the kids but not herself and her relationship.  That would be perfectly fair and reasonable both for you to request and her to explain to him.  You may need to guide her on boundaries with this.  If he were to stop the child support, what steps could you take to recover that - do you know?

Glad to hear there is hope and optimism in your world right now.

Love and light x
 
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« Reply #23 on: April 23, 2018, 05:37:12 AM »

Joe how do you feel about him asking about your life?  I can understand her not wanting to be rude, and it would be healthy if she stated that she's prepared to talk about the kids but not herself and her relationship.  That would be perfectly fair and reasonable both for you to request and her to explain to him.  You may need to guide her on boundaries with this.  If he were to stop the child support, what steps could you take to recover that - do you know?

Glad to hear there is hope and optimism in your world right now.

Thanks for cheking in HQ, it is important for me.

As you sure guess, it's not great that he knows anything about me. I have to understand as a father the need to know what kind of person is raising my kids. But... .If he cared about the kids, he would do things in a much different way. She ignores personal questions and hints from him. He's telling her how many girlfriends she has around, and how much sex he's getting since she left him. A total class act... .You know? When we've seen him, he looks like a sad old drunk. In the trial, no one testified on his side, not even his kids from a previous marriage, now adults. His lawyer called a witness (that my gf never heard about), and the jury found him drunk in a bar close to the court.

In one day he called her to tell her she was the greatest, that she had to write because she was brilliant, funny, and hard working... .And the same day he called to threat with killing her before she could enjoy a cent from him. Then 2 days later he called saying what he has to pay it's peanuts to him, and boasting about having much more in the bank. (That money he owes it's his kids food, from 3 years ago). Then 2 days later he said, like apologizing, that he shouldn't have married her, that he just had used her.

One day he called manic about the money the Court took from his account. Demanding she called her lawyer to cofirm it was there. When she called back to confirm, he said "What are you talking about? Why do you call me? Don't you know I'm watching the news at this hour?"

So we don't know if he's gone bonkers, or if he's trying to mess with her head. Well, in any case, he's succeding in the later.

Now we think he understands that every time he doesn't pay, he has to pay anyway later, plus fines, and court fees. So he's not planning on doing it again. But if he does, it's a long process to demand it, and for us it would be really hard.

BTW, he asked if I spoke English, so he can talk to me sometime. He has to show a lot of care for the kids before I can see him without wanting to spit on his face.

I'm the worst on boundaries. I can't hardly teach/guide someone on that.

I hope we can still be optimist, even though moderately. This weekend we did something we hadn't done in half a year, and I wanted to scream it from the window, and no bad consecuences so far.

Thanks for being here.
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« Reply #24 on: April 23, 2018, 02:11:24 PM »

Excerpt
I'm the worst on boundaries. I can't hardly teach/guide someone on that.

Hey, deciding to not talk to him IS a boundary, and perfectly within your rights.  I wish you had some advocate to talk to him instead of it having to be through her, so that stress could be taken off of her.  He is definitely a toxic influence, and along with her family's treatment, her issues are a lot easier to follow, now.

I hate to say it's good that things like this could be helping re-establish some closeness for you, but, well, it;'s good to hear  that you are working more as a team instead of at cross purposes. 

 
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« Reply #25 on: May 08, 2018, 02:28:19 AM »

I wanted to thank you, Isilme. I've been away from everything and studying all I could. I still have the moving soon, the ex is still bothering us... .My GF fell sick and we are not sure what's wrong... .

We haven't talk about BPD, or things related to it in about a month. We are just supper bussy. And she's not very affectionate, but she's not hating me either. She's been kind. So I'm emotionally Ok-ish, but very very tired from stress and studies.

That's my update. I'll be back!
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« Reply #26 on: May 08, 2018, 05:00:19 AM »

Yes and it sounds like she is doing the right thing, if you want to support her say that its fine
i'll be here if things get tricky , but as a friend which is what you need.

p.s, stay a friend
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« Reply #27 on: May 09, 2018, 03:16:06 PM »

Great to hear that you've been managing to focus on your studies amid everything else Joe.  When your studies are over, then your challenge will be to continue focusing on what is important just to you in other ways.  Yes, I threw the gauntlet down.  Rooting for a relatively simple move and some reassuring news on the mystery illness.  Whatever way you can find to unwind, don't think about it - just do it.  Here when you're able to post.

Love and light x
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« Reply #28 on: May 11, 2018, 05:27:03 AM »

The pain she is in, it seems an infection close to the kidneys. She's been managing better and we are hoping for some specific antibiotics today,after the results from some tests. Thanks.

In the midst of  the flat hunt, they published the date for the National exam I applied for to get a promotion. I was hoping for after the summer, but it has been scheduled to the middle of May.

So I'm trying to get about 1400 pages of laws (boring laws) in my head in a month. I don't have a lot of possibilities, but it would be irresponsible not to try my best. I could get lucky. And it can take 1 to 5 years to have another chance.

Now that the flat is more expensive, I kind of need that promotion. But I feel less anxious, because my parents handed me a bit of cash for the moving expenses. They don't usually do that kind of thing, they want us "kids" to pull our own weight. But I guess they've seen I'm pulling 4 people's weight right now, and children are involved.

Well, back to the laws!

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« Reply #29 on: May 11, 2018, 06:20:13 AM »

Good luck with the exam Joe!  You can do this  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  See if you can make up a silly song out of the most difficult to remember boring laws to help them to stick in your head maybe?

Love and light x
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