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Author Topic: Admitting to child that you can't parent them exactly the way they want  (Read 526 times)
Hyacinth Bucket
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« on: April 03, 2018, 10:31:43 PM »

I'm curious what you all think of this tactic I took, and whether anyone else has tried something similar, or whether you think something like this might help you.

For several months, basically the latter half of 2017, my daughter repeatedly accused my husband and i of 'breaking up' with her, 'abandoning' her, 'caring more about the dogs than her', 'half-a$$ing' parenting her... .  you know how it goes. We were enforcing more and more boundaries and making her attempt to take care of herself.

At some point I told her that I had been struggling to come to terms with my inability to parent her (true -  I felt like everything I said was wrong). I told her that I will always love her and be her mom, but because of my beliefs or my own mental health issues, I either can't or won't always do what she wants me to do, and she has to find other ways (like therapy or support groups, etc) to fill those needs/wants. I told her that I was working on accepting what I can and cannot do (also true - working on accepting that I can't fix her). I told her I will do my best but it won't always be what you want or expect.

I told her the same thing several times and after the last time of her begging us to 'parent' her more in February (e.g. move in and have us do things for her/take care of her) and me repeating the same thing, I see now that a transformation began. I still have the same PTSD response every time she calls or says something is wrong but we haven't had any blow ups since then. I just realized that. And my symptoms are slowly lessening, too. I am not panicking to the same extent when I see missed calls from her, I've had enough space to start feeling like I can handle this. A few weeks ago she got fired from her stripping job and she kept saying repeatedly that she wanted to come to our city (she lives an hour away). I asked her questions and tried not to jump to conclusions, but she said it so many times I finally asked her if she was asking if she could come stay with us. She got mad and hung up on me (I think because she was asking that and knew the answer was no). About 20 min later she called and apologized for hanging up, and then asked if she could use my uber account to buy groceries (her doing ANYTHING when she is upset/depressed is a big deal), so I said sure. And I see now that is how it's been for the last... 6 weeks? She has had a few things happen which in the past would have made her either suicidal or try to run away to another state. We are all still okay.

Thank you to everyone on this board for you advice and support. This has been helping me so much and also puts things in perspective. Writing about what happens really makes me see what is actually happening, not just how I feel about it.

Anyway, I am eager to hear your thoughts.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Lollypop
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« Reply #1 on: April 04, 2018, 07:44:23 AM »

Hi HB

Excerpt
I've had enough space to start feeling like I can handle this.

So eloquently put HB. Look how far you’ve come already, the change has to start with us. It seems contradictory but the more we learn then the less we react, the more power we have over ourselves.

Parenting doesn’t mean doing things for them that they should do themselves. It means walking by their side, listening and emotionally supporting as they try to solve their own problems. My change in approach worked. It also gives my son27 the dignity that comes with that.

It’s a tricky path, and one that needs a toolkit of skills, steadiness, realistic expectations and flexibility. It can be done though.

We all learn all the time. I believe that he’s proud of me now as I have changed. Stay on your path and you’ll become stronger, your daughter will eventually understand that, as much as she resists, ultimately she’s responsible for herself and her wellbeing. You can demonstrate to her a good life lived by taking good care of yourself first.

I’m pleased as punch for you. Baby steps, inching forwards.

LP
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     I did my best. He told me I wasn’t good enough. White
Faith Spring
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« Reply #2 on: April 04, 2018, 10:43:58 AM »

I think it's brilliant and probably the only true path out of this madness.  I'm relieved to read your description of parenting, lipop.  I'm beginning to bite my tongue and restrain my self when I see my daughter screwing up.  At 17 she must see cause and effect.  She can't survive in this world without knowing at least cause and effect. 
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please
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« Reply #3 on: April 04, 2018, 01:21:16 PM »

Hi Hyacinth bucket,

I think by letting them know you have done your best and always have their best interest at heart, I think it is good thing to say.
Otherwise they will make you out to be bad anyway. If you let them know that you cannot parent them they way they want, it gives them pause, I think to know that you understand their needs are greater that you can always provide.
I hope that makes sense.
For example, the child may keep pushing to make you change, which you cannot. So then they see you as "bad" but if you let them know you "can't" then what can they say ?
They cannot bloody well say "change" as you have said you can't. You have acknowledged ie 'validated' (Ok I am using a word I really dislike here Smiling (click to insert in post) that they need something more and that you still care and love them etc... (fill in good nice loving words here). No matter what some children may get very upset but you are saying " I am not perfect, I try my best, I care, and you (ie the child) can start taking care of yourself and that you are here when need in a way that you can be not what you cannot be.  We  all had/have to parent ourselves at certain times in our lives. That is growth and maturation is it not?
XXX
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Hyacinth Bucket
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« Reply #4 on: April 04, 2018, 02:23:40 PM »

Thank you so much for your responses LP, FaithSpring, and Please.

LP, you are so right. I have always been a fixer and we adopted my daughter when she was 16, so she had never had a lot of actual parenting. I definitely over-did and over-fixed things for her for a long time. Natural consequences and letting them learn on their own is the only way to go, for sure.

Please, I agree with what you said. I think the flip side of that is - my daughter always tells me how I should be parenting her. She thinks she knows better than I do. If I 'changed' the way she asked, she would be so much worse off (I would be her servant).    So sometimes not only can we not change, but we also shouldn't change. I think the ways we can change involve taking care of ourselves more and letting the kids experience the real consequences of their often terrible decisions. 
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Merlot
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« Reply #5 on: April 05, 2018, 07:19:56 AM »

hi hyacinth bucket

I can relate to your post.  My DD27 wanted to know why I couldn't be more like XXX's mother.  I told her I didn't want to be more like XXX's mother, I wanted to be me and if I had to change to make her happy, then I wouldn't be happy, and I was sorry if it wasn't enough for her.  Notwithstanding that at that stage, I was already doing more than I should have and compromising myself and others in the process.  Unfortunately, it wasn't enough for her. Apparently we are the most un-supportive parents in the world.  This and a series of volatile rages (the last one, moments after we were walking her dogs), still sees me cut of from my daughter and granddaughter.

I am slowly learning and accepting that while I am cut off that I have validated her feelings and tuck to my boundaries.  I am teaching her that I am not open to being manipulated.  I miss her and my granddaughter and I also feel the trepidation of re-engaging and being constantly undermined and personally attacked.

Hang in there, it sounds like you are doing great  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Merlot

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Scout206
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« Reply #6 on: April 05, 2018, 03:23:37 PM »

Merlot,
Thank you for posting this response to hyacinth bucket.  I can't figure out how to post this as a quote, but what you said was:

"I am slowly learning and accepting that while I am cut off that I have validated her feelings and tuck to my boundaries.  I am teaching her that I am not open to being manipulated.  I miss her and my granddaughter and I also feel the trepidation of re-engaging and being constantly undermined and personally attacked."

I haven't communicated boundaries to my DD30 - I don't even dare to speak to her that much.  But after being cut off again for (as always) reasons I don't understand, I have decided to change my behavior by not reaching out to her anymore.   That is a boundary that I am setting in my own mind.  Like you, I am through with opening myself up for attacks and emotional abuse.  I won't be invited to her July wedding, nor will I probably be able to see my grandchildren when they come into the world.  I'm working on accepting those realities and having a very difficult time.   But I just can't continue to live in this constant state of depression, sadness and fear.  I feel as though I am losing myself.

Scout206
 

 



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Merlot
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« Reply #7 on: April 07, 2018, 02:13:12 AM »

Hi Scout206

I'm sure Hycainth Bucket will relate too and I think we all feel like we are losing ourselves.  As parents, we often define ourselves and self worth in how well adjusted and healthy our children are.  

It is truly devastating to have our child tell us how much of a failure we are.  However, and I think I have written on my post that understanding BPD allows us to separate their behaviour rather than seeing it as an extension of how well we have or haven't done.  This really allows us to retain our integrity and preserve our self-esteem to be the best parents we can be.  This in turn creates some calm and space to allow us to work out how to best support our children (even when we hurt too).

I have recently purchased a book called ":)one Crying" by Sheri McGregor.  I'm waiting for it to arrive.  It is about parents of estranged adult children - coping strategies.  

I certainly feel your pain, you are not alone and we so desperately miss our grandchildren.

To you and Hyacinth Bucket, I'm glad you are both here with me too.

Merlot
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Scout206
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« Reply #8 on: April 07, 2018, 06:42:30 PM »

Merlot
I just downloaded ":)one Crying" on kindle and have started reading it.  I hope it can give us some more coping mechanisms. 
For me, just about anything would be helpful right now.  Thank you.
Scout206
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Feeling Better
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« Reply #9 on: April 08, 2018, 04:58:17 AM »

Merlot, thanks for mentioning that book, I have just taken a look inside it on Amazon and my initial thoughts are “what a godsend”. Reading it brought tears to my eyes because I could relate to so much. Like Scout206 I aim to download the Kindle version

Thank you so much x
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If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading ~ Lao Tzu
Merlot
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« Reply #10 on: April 08, 2018, 06:29:52 AM »

Thanks to you Feeling Better and Scout206

Hopefully we find some solace in our reading and can readily share with others as part of our own healing.  I would be very interested to hear your views too.

I hope you are well

Kind regards
Merlot
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Hyacinth Bucket
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« Reply #11 on: April 08, 2018, 09:14:20 PM »

Excerpt
hi Merlot, Scout, Feeling Better,

Sorry I've been MIA, I took a few days off.  Merlot, thank you so much for your response, I so relate to what you wrote:

"My DD27 wanted to know why I couldn't be more like XXX's mother.  I told her I didn't want to be more like XXX's mother, I wanted to be me and if I had to change to make her happy, then I wouldn't be happy"

My daughter (not so much lately) was constantly telling me what she NEEDED and that I wasn't doing my job. For a long time I'd just argue or say nothing. It was a big moment when I finally realized I could just say - no, I understand why you think that would be good for you, but I don't agree. I wouldn't feel right doing it.

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Merlot
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« Reply #12 on: April 09, 2018, 06:51:45 AM »

Good for you hyacinth bucket Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

It's very liberating when you make a small change and realise that the world wont cave in. A small step that gives you strength and resolve and allows you to be you.

Im right in there with you.

Hope you have a great day

Merlot
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Daisy123
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« Reply #13 on: April 09, 2018, 04:50:12 PM »

Hello Hyacinth Bucket,
You’ve taken a stand that shows how one takes care of herself.  Your DD is taking steps forward! It’s as if she’s needed the space away from you to work things out on her own. It makes me wonder just how much handholding I’ve been doing. I also wonder how our children respond or learn from us as we learn how to take care of ourselves.

You said “My daughter (not so much lately) was constantly telling me what she NEEDED and that I wasn't doing my job. For a long time I'd just argue or say nothing. It was a big moment when I finally realized I could just say - no, I understand why you think that would be good for you, but I don't agree. I wouldn't feel right doing it.”

So well put. I love this! No arguing-just stating how it’s not a truth for you.

My daughter and I engage in arguments like this... .This phrase is going into my toolkit.

Keep up the self care.
So glad you share your experiences.
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Hyacinth Bucket
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« Reply #14 on: April 09, 2018, 10:10:39 PM »

hi Daisy,

thank you, I'm so glad that was a little helpful! How are you doing?
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Yat4

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« Reply #15 on: April 11, 2018, 12:14:36 PM »

Excerpt
For several months, basically the latter half of 2017, my daughter repeatedly accused my husband and i of 'breaking up' with her, 'abandoning' her, 'caring more about the dogs than her', 'half-a$$ing' parenting her... .  you know how it goes. We were enforcing more and more boundaries and making her attempt to take care of herself.
Oh my gosh! It's like you have my daughter! She always accuses us of loving and caring about our animals more than her. I thinks sometimes she just says certain things that she knows will push my buttons. I've become better about not reacting at all. We had to put our 14 year old dog to sleep a few days ago. When she heard, she told my grand-daughter "Oh well. Another one bites the dust." ! My husband was angry, but I was just sad. It makes me realize just how little empathy she has and will never have. I'm so sorry you are going through this too.
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Hyacinth Bucket
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« Reply #16 on: April 12, 2018, 09:56:14 PM »

hi Yat,

Yes, it definitely falls under the bucket of trying to invoke guilt! My daughter originally said that because we let her move back in with us, she met none of our agreed expectations, and then she left the front door open and both our dogs got out. Our boy just takes off, he thinks it's a field trip, and our girl got into a scuffle with another dog. They are both good dogs and we work with them a lot. They are pitbulls though and we are extra careful because any kind of incident they have they are immediately blamed, whether or not it's their fault, by virtue of them being pitties. So anyway, that was the final straw, and we made her move out. She mostly got over it but brings it up periodically.

I try to calmly tell her that she's an adult and capable of taking care of herself, while animals are not.

I'm so sorry about the loss of your dog. That is so hard. They bring so much joy!

I hope you are well.

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Yat4

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« Reply #17 on: April 23, 2018, 01:24:06 PM »

I'm so glad that you found them and they were alright! I love pibbles! They are the sweetest dogs! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Merlot
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« Reply #18 on: May 10, 2018, 08:57:17 AM »

Hi hyacinth bucket et al

There was much in this thread and I was wondering for those of you who had read ":)one with the Crying" in regards to BPD/estrangement how you had found the book.

I've been reading it too (3/4 the way through) and it covers so much of what is in this post.  I hope it has been helpful for you too.

Regards
Merlot
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